Clothing and the fashion challenged

My name is EJ and I’m fashion challenged. I have very limited clothing because I end up by things that look like crap or I ruin them in the wash (I’m laundry challenged too). But, in an effort to dress better, I have bought some nice things.

Today is a black sweater set (tank and cardigan style) with a long silver/gray skirt. It’s really cute actually. Here is my problem which has nothing to do with the actual fashion of the item, lint and cat hair! Yes folks, black clothing I have issues with because I have long haired cats, oh they are mostly white too. I also seem to be a magnet for that dusty lint that just makes you look at…. Slobby, I guess is the right word. I know everyone can see it and the more I try to get it off, the more I seem to attract.

I really need to go on What Not to Wear because I need help and maybe I need to shop at some of those “high-end” stores they are always showing because maybe then I won’t attract so much lint, dust and cat hair….. because I will be spending so much, right??

Next time we will discuss my challenge with laundry!

Dating Updates

It seems I have left some dating loose ends. So I mentioned a guy that I wanted to email and then did and then waited for…. NOTHING. He never emailed back but ya know its fine really, it turned out okay because there is another guy that I’m chatting with and really that’s all I want. Some person to talk to and get to know. Not sure how serious he is about moving it forward at some point, because frankly it’s too soon for that. He is a nice guy so far and seems to have some interests that would be fun to know more about! One just happens to be something that my grandfather (paternal grandfather that we lost last summer) used to do and I have always been very fascinated with it since I was just a tiny girl. So crossing my fingers that it works out to be a little more than chatting but have no intention of rushing it because that just leads to my next story….

I was talking with someone else and had actually met said person. Sometimes things just don’t work. Not for any other reason than it wasn’t a match. He wanted more, faster than I wanted more and he is a nice guy but I don’t want to pushed, though I seem pushy and rushed to date. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes but not to define our relationship/friendship exactly and just have fun and laughs without strings.

Sounds like I want my cake and eat it too… Ah well, that’s my update. Again, dating sucks….

The phone call

Since the kids are with dad, I have been waiting for that phone call. The one that starts with “There has been an accident….” And ends with me dropping dead on the floor… Okay not so dramatic (I just don’t know where K gets it!) but here is the thing. While I tend to be more laid back about things like toys all over the house or ice cream in the car (have ya seen those pics?). He tends to be a little less, what’s the word… watchful maybe? Or less safety aware or some something that makes me fear for my children’s safety. Ya see here is the thing again; they take after me in that they tend to be accident prone, especially oldest son. And, then the girl is just more dramatic about any injury or illness making it really hard to determine if she is truly in pain and needs to seek medical attention or not. Then of course the other son just turned 4 and because he such older siblings, doesn’t always realize limitations.

So here I am happily sitting at work and I get a call that starts with a much panicked voice, “It’s an emergency!” What? Oh my gosh (OMG). “L says his toothbrush is not his but he has a different one.” WTF! Are you kidding me? “He is saying you will say yes. Will you talk to him?” Um sure. L use the toothbrush. “I don’t want to” Sorry you have to, can I talk to your dad again. ….. This is not an emergency and I’m at work. “It was an emergency.” He is not going to brush his teeth with that toothbrush right now, it is not a big deal to let him calm down (he is stubborn like… well honestly both myself and ex-h, so that’s not good)… He can brush his teeth later. “Okay”

Now I have probably done this a few times myself, called when it wasn’t an emergency but for the record I would never start with “It’s an emergency”, I would have said, “I need your help….” I know we all have moments that we just can’t handle. So that is how my day is going.

One emergency averted!

Dating sucks

Period. There is nothing else to say about it.

Okay so I got the nerve up to email that guy. Now waiting to see if he actual replies. I don't know if I said it in my last entry but I think I had emailed him once before but it was back in April when I first started looking and my profile was really lame. I just rewrote it lately. I think it finally sounds like me and so if he doesn't reply that's fine because I now feel like I know what I want and who I am.

Even ex-h has noticed that my confidence is coming back and he even noticed that I have lost weight! Now that is HUGE because he was always telling me how fat I was... Nice, huh? There is a good reason we are getting a divorce. Ha, ha! But, he noticed and that makes me feel great and makes me want to go work out! Whoohoo.

But, I'm into taking risks right now. Trying hard to step out of what is my norm and what is comfortable but it sucks because its really hard for me. Anyone that knows me well, knows I suffer from anxiety and mostly if I stay in my comfort zone, I can get through life with only minor set backs. But, dating is just really hard and about putting yourself out there.

Soooo anyway, I emailed the guy that I would really like to date and if he doesn't reply will that's fine because I tried and that just means he wasn't the right one! I'll move on and see if I can catch the attention of one of the others I have emailed also!

Dating sucks!!!

Today

So my babies have gone with their dad for the next few weeks. What to do? What to do?

Today I have not done too much. Mostly wandered around and watched TV. Also did some surfing on the net. Saw a guy on one of those dating websites that I would be interested in contacting but honestly, haven't had the best luck with that.

I look at it this way though, the right one hasn't come along yet.

Also today is my daughter's 12th b-day. Wow, 12. I can't believe I have had someone so long. She is so special to me.

Well I guess I need to get back to my busy schedule of.... watching more TV and who knows, maybe I'll get the nerve to email this guy and see if anything happens.

Two more days

On Sunday my kids will go with their dad for a 2 week trip. This will be the longest I have ever been away from my babies. It is sad but I think I'm ready. No wait, I know I am. I really need the break. I can come home and just worry about me, get schoolwork done or just sit very still and listen.... to nothing!

I also would like to try and get out more these next couple of weeks. No point sitting around and waiting..... waiting for?? I don't know.

So I'm counting down the time until Sunday. Of course, my baby girl will turn 12 on Sunday also. Wow. Where does the time go? Little man L will be 4 on Saturday, tomorrow!

June 22, 2006

Today is HIS birthday. It is a little strange but I did call to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Something weird happened this week. I think I have gotten a little more comfortable with things.... not over it and I'm sure there will be more bumps to come, but I feel like I'm .... happier with this decision. And, again, I realize its the right thing but there is such a mix of feelings involved in this that I just truly didn't understand before now. I thought if you want a divorce, you just want it and cool. But, I guess that isn't always the case and even in the most mutual of situations, it can hurt.

Sooo today, I wish him a Happy Birthday. At the end of the day, I truly wish him happiness and we both deserve that.

Random

I feel like writing a blog but I can't think of just one interesting topic to write about so I'm just going to write everything that comes to mind. So bear with me as I ramble on about nothing and everything. Maybe like an episode of Seinfeld.

You have been warned! Turn back now….

Still here? Okay here are the random thoughts for today….

Today is Father's day. I'm back in Houston this year but where is my dad? On his way to England. He just got back from a business trip to Venezuela. I haven’t even seen him yet. Oh well, I know there are many, many people not able to see their dad today and he wasn’t here for my Birthday either. He travels a lot for work. I did talk to him this morning. We talked about when he started traveling. I said he has been traveling almost as long as I can remember but that I did remember a time when he didn’t travel for work. My brothers and I used to run up to the corner when we knew he would be on his way home from work and then he would stop and pick us up. I used to love that!

My children are probably not going to see their father today either. He is in Dallas getting on with his life. (Maybe I should post one of my fave Bowling for Soup songs!, later)….. They tried to call. That was an hour ago and he didn’t answer nor has he called back. Hope he is happy with his choice.

I cleaned like a manic yesterday. I’m allergic to dust. I woke with a killer headache. It would be worth it if the house actual looked clean but alas, the children ensure that I have job security as a maid. Ha, ha!

Then for Match.com…. It’s not working. I’m getting frustrated but at least my subscription runs out on Friday. I plan to hide my profile again then workout like a mad woman, buy a new camera and rejoin later on when I look and feel better, and can put up some much better pics! And, hey, who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone in the meantime without the aid of an online dating service.

You may be wondering why I feel the need to rush into another relationship. I don’t really want to be in a relationship but would like to date. To me dating is going out to dinner, maybe a movie or something and kind of just meeting different people. I want to meet a few guys and see who is out there. I do not want to jump into a relationship unless in the off chance one of them just is perfect for me. Then I would try to take it slow from there. Before getting married, I dated a lot of guys!!! It was all in a relatively short time too.

Let’s go back there shall we? First boyfriend was freshman year HS. He was sweet but one of those guys that probably didn’t make it too far. He introduced me to kissing. I love to kiss. Then I guess I dated another guy. He was my first… and as it turns out was actually dating someone else and I didn’t know. Dumped him really quick. Then there was a guy much older than I was. I was 17 and he was 24. Okay so not that much older but I realize now the difference between me at 17 and him at 24 was big. Now I could date someone 7 years older and the difference would be very little. He would probably remember more of the 70s and had a different experience during the 80s than I did but that’s probably it. Then there was my first really serious boyfriend (HI, I know you read this!)… Wow. I was so in love with him. I just knew we would be together forever. Life is so funny and I just can’t help but think of Garth Brooks at a time like this. ‘Unanswered Prayers’ We dated for 10 mths, broke up but still saw each other for just over a year more. He was leaving for college so I joined the Navy. I couldn’t stand the thought of living here and him not being here too. I sort of dated a few guys after he and I broke up but really opened the door once I was in the Navy.

So quick update. I had 4 boyfriends and about 4-5 casual things before the Navy. So that’s let’s just say 9…. It was Sept 9, 1992 when I entered the Navy. I was married Dec 1993. Between that time I had two boyfriends and the rest were casual boyfriends. Mostly other young Sailors, new to the Navy and probably all just as homesick and confused as me. There were a few that were not new and wow, one I was head over heels in lust for. He was a big disappointment (or I should say little! disappointment if you get my meaning.)

There is just one guy on my mind that I wonder about often. My Junior High crush. I had the hugest crush on him until he moved Junior Year of HS. I would just like to know what kind of man he turned out to be. Is he married? Does he have kids? Did they get his beautiful blue eyes? What is his job? Does he ever wonder about me?

Ah well, life is funny for sure. I’m 33 and I really can’t believe how weird life has turned out for me. It is not at all the way I thought it would be right now. The kids I thought I would have, but thought it would be 4. They are great kids! Earlier my boys were fighting but now they are drawing pictures for me. The girl is sleeping. She was awake earlier but I think with summer she is staying up way too late and my efforts to wake her in the morning are met with much drama. It’s not worth it.

So that’s my rambling and random thoughts for this Father’s Day.

Getting back to normal...

I'm trying to pull myself together and get back to normal. But, really what does that mean?

My normal is different now but I guess just feeling right again. For so long I have been with this other person and been this wife and "a couple" and all these things I'm not anymore. So who am I? I don't know and maybe that is why I feel to disconnected and why I can't get a date (ha, ha) and why life just feels like chaos.

I now have one piece of my life in place: job. I'm slowly getting my body into shape and I know I could do this a lot better (eat a bit better). I have a few more things on my list that I need to get in line but slowly, slowly....

But, if you are out there, self, come back or give me a call so I know where you are. In the meantime, I'm looking and hey, maybe I'll discover a whole new me.

Settle for a Slowdown

This song really says how I feel about my divorce..... I love it!

Settle For A Slowdown
Dierks Bentley

I must look just like a fool
here in the middle of the road
standing there in your rearview
and getting soaked to the bone

this land is flat as it is mean
a man can see for a hundred miles
So I'm still praying
I might see the glow of a brake light.
But your wheels just turn,
down the road ahead
If it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

I held on longer then I should
Leaving you might change your mind
those bright lights of Hollywood would fade in time.

But your wheels just turn down the road ahead
If it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

But your wheels just turn down the road ahead
if it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
your just a tiny dot on that horizon line
come on tap those brakes baby just one time
I know there's nothing stopping you now
Im not asking you to turn back around
I'd settle for a slowdown
come on just slow down
I'd settle for a slow down.

This is probably normal.... right?

I had a little emotional set back today. Ex-H told me someone asked him out and he said yes. Now he has every right in the World to start dating. Heck I have been on one so far but I don't know why but I freaked a bit! I am sick to my stomach, shaking, dizzy.... I'm completely heartbroken at the thought. No that isn't the right word.... Just like it hit me again, this is over.

I think this is normal. Oh I hope it is normal. What I think is I will move on just fine but it was just a shock.

I GOT IT!

Soooo the job I thought I didn't get, well I didn't get it the first time, but the person that was hired took another job so I'm in! I don't care how I got it, just that I got it. I start on Wednesday!

Can you say excited? Finally I feel like my luck is turning. Slowly oh so slowly and I'm okay with that. I will get these pieces in place, if not on my timeline at least in time.

Tomorrow I will be training another temp to do the job I'm doing and then I'm free to go!!!

I know there was more I wanted to say about it but I can't even think.

Off to study history now since I have an assignment due. At least it just has to be typed, all the research is done.

When I grow up....

When I grow up. This is something I remember thinking about a lot as a child. When I grow up I'm going to be, well, a lot of things.....

A teacher, maybe, or a scientist. Those were my two biggest. I always thought I would be a good teacher and I guess as a mom I'm a teacher. A scientist, well I had no idea what that really meant. I knew a little because I read books, lots of books. I loved learning about animals so I thought maybe a Zoologist or Biologist or something like that. But, I just knew I wanted to do something fun that I would enjoy doing everyday or at least most.

I also would think about where I would live. I thought it would be some trendy apartment with a view of the city. A small balcony where I would drink coffee or wine, and look at the other buildings. I would have "grown up" furniture. What does that mean anyway? Well I thought of two decorating styles. One would be so ultra modern, guests would come over (for my latest party) and everything would be so modern people wouldn't really know what was furniture and what was art, is it all art? The other would be dark woods and leathers, heavy pieces that look like, well I'm not sure, a library?I would have attended college, then work for some law firm or advertising company, forget for a second that I really wanted to do something else.

This is what I thought "grown ups" did. I would always have these great parties where everyone laughed and had a great time. I would have this really close knit circle of friends, think Friends. We would get away for the weekend to the beach or go skiing.I would then marry someone from my hometown, buy a house, have children, get a dog and a cat. Holidays would be grand affairs, everything perfectly decorated. The kids would wear matching holiday outfits. Our families would be there and everyone would be laughing and drinking wine, while all the children chased each other and giggled. Sometimes an uncle or grandfather would tease them as they ran by.

Sounds like something straight from a movie. Well, yes it does. I do think some people might have this type of life but I don't. Now don't get me wrong my life is great but it not "Leave it to Beaver" more like "Roseanne". But a little mess, a little dysfunction is fun!

Being a single mom...

... and the key word there is single because I think I have the mom part down for the most part anyway. Though there are new daily challenges, I have learned where to find answers, techniques and most importantly is how to be flexible...... anyway, single mom, I'm nervous, I'm scared and most of all I'm excited! Though we didn't work out, I feel good that there is someone else out there for me. Maybe someone who will treat me the way I want and deserve. Some days I feel like I failed and others I know it isn't my fault... it just didn't work. Then I will hear someone say, "marriage is hard and you have to work at it." or "never give up" or whatever else. Well I have been there, done that. That is one reason we were married for so long. It really should have and almost ended years ago. But I really felt like a failure like I was missing something because I couldn’t make my marriage work. But it is neither his fault nor mine. We just weren’t made for each other, period.

Bottom line is that I should be happy and so should he. I am just looking forward to the next adventure out there.

Cleaning

I hate cleaning. No, I don't just hate it, I detest it. I abhor it. I loathe it…

Being a working mom, a single mom with three kids and a student the house gets really messy during the week because I have little time for it. I get home from work, check my classroom (I love going to school online), then try to make dinner as fast as possible while the kids are whining about being hungry or worse fighting or worse yet they are bored and want me to entertain them. I love them but I have burnt too many dinners, wasted too much money by getting distracted by their cuteness. Ha! Then clean up dinner, play with kids a bit, then its schoolwork. Since the little one still sleeps with me, I have to go to bed when he does so I have until 9 to get everything done…. Many times, I just get back up once he is out; sometimes I don’t make it because I’m out cold. (I do know that he needs to start sleeping in his bed, it’s a goal to be completed by the end of this summer).

The other reason I’m desperate to get the house clean, well not just clean but cleaned out, is because we will be moving to another house in July. On one hand, I’m excited because it is a little bit nicer house, yet just as small with a smaller yard. But on the other hand, it is overwhelming because of all the things that have to happen between now and then. I also need to remember to update all the addresses everywhere. The kids’ schools, my school, the doctors’ offices, all the bill collectors (or maybe not!)…. It will get done and then I have no plans to move again for several years.

I guess I have stalled long enough. I had better get in gear to clean. I have promised (or bribed) the kids we would play Uno if they clean!!! I’m such a great mom!

One day at a time

Lately I have been reminded of a few things that make me realize how temporary and/or petty my stressors are.

The lack of job or the divorce are both life changes and stressful, but I can deal and move on. They are temporary and soon I will have a job and be okay with being divorced. They are temporary.

Moving again soon is just in general a pain. Changing everything, packing, moving, unpacking and getting resettled. All temporary and petty.

Lonely, lack of friends (well here in town, hanging out friends), boredom all petty and silly to let them get me down.

Each day I get up and put on a smile, try to think positively. Each day I say, "Today is a new day." But by the end of the day, I am just overwhelmed, miserable and I'm surely not smiling.

I feel very chaotic in my life right now and my skin. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to really enjoy life. Nothing feels right or good.

Its then that I realize I'm depressed.... and I just have to take it one day at a time, hopefully things will settled sooner rather than later.... but until then I will smile.

Six Flags Astroworld

Astroworld has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It closed after this past season and it isn't just closed but GONE. That's right where coasters and cotton candy machines used to be is just dirty and weeds now. It will soon be apartments, shops and whatever else they can think to fit on that land.

I remember the first time I heard of Astroworld. My parents and my Aunt were going. I was just a kid, not sure my exact age between 5-7. They were young too. I just thought they were so cool and couldn't wait to be big enough to go too. Heck maybe I was but I just thought it was for big people.

Then a year or two or three (I'm not sure)later I was going to Astroworld. Oh my gosh, I wish I could put to words the way I felt. Excitement, nervousness and well....excitement! The sights, the sounds, the smells. It was wonderful. The rumble of coasters, the scream of excited/scared people decending over the hill of the Texas Cyclone and then just going full speed around turns and up/down.

I rode my first rollar coaster, saw my first concert (George Strait), stood in line for an hour or more just to ride new rides and old favorites (Greased Lightening and The Texas Cyclone). Went to Fright Nights (Halloween of course). Made memories with my parents, my brothers, cousins, friends, boyfriends and even my now ex-husband. I never did get the chance to take my own kids... that was the plan for this year but too late now.

Over the years, rides changed, games changed, foods changed, people changed, but the excitement was always the same, the sounds, the smells were always the same.

I drive past this site everyday now on my way to my temp job. Yesterday traffic was bad and I was stopped there for a long time. I just can't believe its gone. On the bridge from the parking lot to the park there are still a few Halloween Globes over the lights from the Last Fright Nights.

But you know what isn't gone, the memories.

Weird Dream

I had a weird dream last night and I really want to get it down somewhere before I forget. Its really not the type that you would forget but just in case.

I'm not really sure where I was in the dream, just with my family (kids, folks, aunts, cousins). It seemed like we were in a field where they were building more houses but for some reason it was a house that we were in, but not really.... okay yes weird.

Anyway, I saw a rose across the field/room that I wanted to go smell. When I got there my great-grandmother was sitting near it so we admired it together. She passed away just before my daugther was born. I miss her a lot. K's eyes are shaped like hers. So we hug and start talking, it was a hug like we haven't seen each other in a long time. After a little "catching up" she says, "I'm very worried about you. You are so special and I'm just worried about you being without a job and you're sad, lonely." I hug her and tell her I'll be okay and that I'm in school finishing my degree which will hopefully help in the long run. We talk a little more about it but I can't really hear what she is saying, just bits and pieces. We hug a little more and my mom comes to get me for something and I turn around, she was gone. But, I saw her again a few minutes later and we hugged one more time and she said a few things that I couldn't hear very well but I could just hear her voice, knew she was talking, trying to tell me something......

Soooo it has left me with this weird feeling, not a bad feeling, but just weird.... Was she really talking to me? Is she in the after life watching and worried? Now this type of thing has happened in the past, where she or my great-grandfather will come talk to me but it has always been different. Just talking but not like actual worry.

I'm just not sure what to think but if you are out there, Bips, I will be okay.... Truly I will. I just have to get my feet under me again. Thanks for checking on me. I love you and miss you very much. Give Pop a hug and kis s from me.

Match.com

I decided to put myself out there again. Why? I'm lonely! Plus someone at my temp job is getting married on the 9th. Where did he and his new bride meet? Yep Match.com.

No, no. I'm not looking to get remarried. Heck we only JUST signed the papers. I'm just so ready to date. I think I'm a great person to know. I have flaws, but who doesn't?

I had hid my profile on Match and today rewrote it and once its ready, I'm going to unhide and see what happens. Just want someone new to talk to, who is interesting in getting to know me (hey maybe I should say that!!!).

I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I hate rejection. I love/hate meeting new people. Those that know me, know I suffer from anxiety attacks. They can get really bad sometimes.... which is a whole other story that I can go into later!

So wish me luck on this current venture. And, I just keep saying, my luck will change. Everything was smashed and now I can just move forward, right?!

Temp Job

Yesterday I got a call early in the morning... after a late night partying with the kids. Okay not really, daughter had a friend spend the night and we were all up late. I didn't think I would get a work call like this so what the heck.

Back to Friday morning. I get the call but am told hang out to see what time they might want me over there. We talk back and forth all morning. It got to the point that I figured that I wasn't going to get a call.

And, then I did. 10:30 could I be there at 12.... Umm, sure! Now here is my list of stuff to do: Get Logan to day care (this could be the plot of Mission Impossible 4), Get over to the staffing office to fill out the last of my paperwork that we just realized I would need done, and then figure out where the heck I'm suppose to go. I do it with ease, though leaving my little boy after dragging him out of the house was hard! But, I did it. Even stopped at Sonic (drive thru, fast food) to get a drink. I had a headache so needed to take something plus I'm addicted. Thankfully the company I was going to was right across the street from the staffing company.

Get in and realize....... I forgot to put on deodorant. Yes folks, that's right! Its Houston and its hot almost year round, at least hot enough to warrant the need for deodorant every single day. So I get to the waiting area, they had me sit down so I do but then ask, where's the restroom. Down the hall. I head down to the restroom... try the door knob, its locked. Crap! So I go have a seat and then get up a few minutes later and go try again. Its still lock so for some reason this time I push.... DUH! Its not locked. I feel like an idoit. I wash my face, put my make-up back on quickly! Go in the stall and just try to wipe myself off (I know!!).... Go back out and I hear the ladies at the front desk say "She just disappeared." then they stop short when I walk back in so I know it was me. They tell me the lady I'm suppose to meet will be up soon she just had to run a quick errand and was on her way back. Great.

I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait.... Finally here she is and we are off! I couldn't wait to get away from the ladies at that desk. I was so embarassed.

All in all it was a great day. Just enough time there to get familiar with the offices, the layout, get my badge, learn a few helpful things and then get the heck out! Did I mention I'm getting paid very well for this? $2 more per hour than I have made thus far. Totally worth it!

There is a slim chance this could turn permanent or I can try to apply for jobs around the company to see if I can get on with them somehow. Cross your fingers because except for the women I embarassed myself in front of, it seems like a great place. The building is beautiful on the inside!

I didn't get it and....

.... we signed the divorce papers today. So they will be filed soon.

Now if I could only get a job!!! Things can't continue like this. I have to get something, SOON!

I think I need to practice.... "Do you want fries with that?"