Single Mom finding herself.....

Lots of questions...

2010-05-23T17:06:00.004-05:00

Will I be okay?
Will my child(ren) be okay?
Will he (or she) and I be able to get along (for the child)?
How will I date?

When you first start out separating or getting a divorce, these are some of the questions you have.

I will tell you in the best of situations all of those things are hard and can't be answered easily. Let's break them down one at a time.

Will I be okay?
The short answer is yes, you will. Not every day is easy. Not every night is full of sleep. But every morning the sun comes up and some how you put one foot in front of the other. You go through your day, you feed the kids and you hug them. You do the things you have to do and then the day ends and you face another night.... But at some point you stop doing it because you have to do it everyday, but because you are actually happy to do it and happy again and you smile and laugh and you notice the sun coming up and the birds and the flowers. The nights are the hardest for a while but even those will become easier and you will sleep through the night again.

Will my child be okay?
Yes. They will take cues from you. Are you laying in bed crying? Being withdrawn? Or are you getting out of the house, making the most of a sunny day? Or laughing and snuggling with them? It is okay to be sad sometimes because it does teach them how to deal with it and it shows that you are human. And when you survive all this, it will show them how strong you are and how far you have come. But the bottom line is they will take their cues from you on how to act and to a point how to feel. But remember they do have feelings too and as long as you validate those, they will be okay. They want to be heard and understood. Do not tell them their feelings are wrong, just listen and let them know they are important.

Will he (or she) and I be able to get along?
Yes but it won't be easy and you have to put your hurt aside for it to work. I didn't always WANT to get along with my ex but I had to make it work for my children. I had to for them. But it takes work and it takes wanting to do it. Not every step is easy. I mean there is a reason you aren't with this person anymore. But if you want what is best for your children, you will have to put yourself aside. If you don't, you won't get along. But there is another step in this process, they will probably meet someone else and that someone else will probably have a relationship with your child. That is hard. But again, I had to think about my children and I had to put my feelings aside. In my situation, I reached out to her. I thought it was best if I got to know her. I didn't want to at first. I really wanted to hate her but at the end of the day, I realized it was best for my kids and they are much happier.

One piece of advice, don't talk bad about your ex in front of your kids ever. Don't talk bad about their new someone in front of your kids ever. This will only hurt your kid(s).

How will I date?
This is harder to answer. If you want it, you will. But you have to think of your child now. It changes the type of people you will date. You have to ask yourself, "I like this person, but is he/she good enough to be around my child?" You shouldn't bring dates around your child either, not until you have been dating a while and not until you know that this is not some random person, but someone who will be around a while. That is my number one advice. Number two advice is have high standards and low expectations. Meaning have high standards for the type of person you date, but have no expectations about how this will go. Expectations led to disappointment. If you don't expect anything, you are never disappointed and always surprised. :)

I have to say my experience with dating after my divorce has been interesting. Not great, not bad and the boyfriend I gained from it has been amazing. I followed my own advice and it is amazing.

I have gotten a lot of emails and some comments that make me want to keep writing. I can't promise anything but I just can't seem to let this blog go. It seems to be helping people and that is my plan with all of this.

Change is good!

2010-02-03T08:00:00.000-06:00

I changed my blog template (just another random one.... need to custom that more). I have changed my tag line to better fit me but I am keeping the name.

Final decision!

Wow I can't believe how long it has been since I really, really posted much other than my random "Should I keep or dump the blog" thoughts.

The past year has been both very sad and very good at the same time. Funny how things change and how life just kinda passes by.

Nothing really big has happened in my life though. My kids are still the same, though growing more and more independent and into grown ups everyday. Even the little one has changed so much in the past year. He is so funny and is learning so much! My daughter is nearly driving age which I just can't even imagine at this point but it is coming faster and faster. My other son is so smart and so funny but so misunderstood by his peers and even some adults. He is very special and very unique.

I guess that was a little backwards in posting about them but it was how it came to me.

Goofball and I are good. He is so amazing. Such a great person, treats me so well and I just can't imagine that this was missing from my life for.... well ever until June 2006.... and it just seems like it is better everyday. We don't live together but we get together often and just hang out. My kids think he is great and they are starting to try more foods because of him. I can't take credit at all!

My pup is not really a pup anymore. He is over 2 yrs old and is so smart which is awesome and frustrating at the same time. He has learned our morning routine and knows the days we are going to school/work meaning he will be in his kennel all day. He gets so sad on those mornings. He isn't allowed in my room on work day mornings because he hides under the bed.

I still struggle with daily things (as you read in my below post) but time doesn't stop so I just deal and move on.

For those going through a divorce now, new to the single mom thing, just give yourself a break. Do what you can, know and understand you can't control everything and try to be civil for the kids. It has made a world of difference in my life. I still have road bump moments but overall, life is good.

Brainstorming.....and stuff

2010-02-02T21:12:00.002-06:00

I have been trying to come up with a new name but I just can't. I love Single Mom Finding Herself.

So for now the blog stays. I am a bit discouraged by the random comments. I guess I might have to fix some things to get that to stop. Blah, boo-hiss. I hate spam. I hate trolls and I hate crap on my blog!!!

In other news, tonight is a bad night. I have been feeling very down lately. Overall I am extremely happy with my life but I still have moments. I think that is normal and most people feel this way.

But my biggest problem remain maintaining friendships. I really struggle with this. I have so many friends but they are mostly casual friends. Or I have bursts of "close" friendships but they don't last long because I struggle to maintain them and we drift apart.

I don't know if this is a mom thing and it is magnified by the fact that I am a single mom.

Again I have very little help locally and it is all I can do just to get us to work and school each day. How can I maintain a friendship?

I do maintain my relationship with Goofball. He is so amazing but I think it is different with someone you are dating. Or it is for me.... Not sure.

I feel guilty (lots of mommy guilt.... working, single, my kids are from a "broken" home guilt).... so when I even think about going to do something outside of the house, I just can't. I hate to be away from them. Plus with two teenagers now, I worry. Worry about what they are doing when I am not there. Worry about if they can handle things if an emergency comes up.

I wonder would life be different if I was married? I would have a partner here so that when I go out, that person is here to ... well I hate to use the word watch them but kind of. I could go out with friends and not worry about them being "alone", "neglected" or that they had a wild party or something equally as teenager-like.

Well that is my ramble for tonight. Thanks for reading....

To continue or really let this blog go....

2009-12-28T17:22:00.002-06:00

That really is the question.

I have thought about this over the last few months. I don't know what to do. I know that I will miss blogging as I have these last few months of not doing it. I don't just want to let my blog name go either. I love that name and it really is who I am.

But I also wonder this, would another blog/blog name fit me better at this point? I have come so far from Finding myself to having found everything.

I am comfort with myself and who I am as both a woman and mother. I have found closure where there was pain and wounds. I want to help others though and that right there stops me from moving on.

Given the divorce rate in the country (and others)..... there are newly divorced/divorcing families everyday. Very sad but reality is what it is. And like me, there will be mothers looking for the person they feel they are and trying to find the person inside of them that was lost or bring out that strenght from within to be the best single mom they can be.

There are unique and not so unique things about being a single mom, and I know hearing from others who had been there, done that, really helped. Having a place to vent and just say whatever I wanted helped too! Best therapy ever.

Soooo if you still read me, if you still care, know I haven't forgetten either but I am just trying to decide if I should relaunch as Single Mom finding or find myself a new niche. :) Until then know I haven't abandoned ship.... just took a much needed step back.

I hate our custody agreement!!!

2009-08-16T20:27:00.003-05:00

There I said it! I can't believe after all this time I am still very bitter and angry about it. I actually just got in a really heated discussion (okay a fight) with my ex about it. It freakin' sucks! He of course says I made my choice first which led him to move over 200 miles away. But whatever!

So our custody agreement is really not an agreement in writing so much as it is just .... well a mess. I can only count on certain times of the year that he will for sure have the kids. A week at Christmas, Spring break and at least a month (or a bit more) in the Summer. That's it. Anything else is kind of a surprise. This past year he did come help out a few times so I could travel for either work or pleasure. However, I can't always count on it.

I mean if he lived in town, we could do the every other weekend thing. Then that is something I could count on and plan for.

But don't get me wrong, I love being here for my kids just about everyday. They know I am here. They know what they get from me.

Selfishly I wish I could have more me time. I have things I want to do and most of them involve spending really good alone time with Goofball.... I loved having the house to myself this summer. I loved having him here with me. We could just get up and do or hang out without being disturbed or worrying about "will the kids hear"... It is really selfish but I really like my relationship with him and I feel like everyday is so special. I always feel like everyday I don't see him, I am wasting time, losing time or something like that.

Now that sounds like I am super clingy... Yeah maybe a little but honestly I also like it when he gets some guy time with his friends (or cousins or just for himself). It is really good for both of us to have that time.

I want to develop my friendships as well. I have some really great friends that I never get to see! I have "Working Moms" guilt still over working all day and then going out at night. I don't know how to balance it even after all this time. I guess it is really more "Single mom" guilt and "You're dad isn't here so I feel the need to make it up to you and overcompensate therefore not having a life myself" guilt.

There is also the fact I just don't think I can leave them for long because my daughter is really at an age that I feel I need to be here. She is a Sophomore now in High school. If I am out, what is she doing? I come home to a house full of teens and no matter how many rules I make, I have to work and she knows it. Therefore, she has her friends come while I am at work. I did it too! I am scared! Thankfully her brothers are around but how much longer can I count on them to keep her out of some trouble. Not much.... The one son is a teenager too.

So those are my dilemmas and hatred at my custody agreement. I don't get "me" time. I don't get "couple" time and I worry about leaving for long periods of time because I have two teens now.

Granted even if their dad lived here, would I really get my time? I don't know but I can dream. It is kind of the grass being greener thinking that leaves me bitter. I know I need to let that go because it is really only hurting me and there is NOTHING I can do about it. He will never live here and I will never live there. (Okay I say I will never but if there was a job.... I might)

I guess I just need to figure out how to balance my life and to balance being a mom to teens.

What a difference a year makes

2009-08-02T19:06:00.002-05:00

For me, this summer has been much better. There have been a lot of bad news all around me, including finding that my grandmother has breast cancer. But health-wise, night and day from my summer last year. I have been so much less depressed (in fact, only slightly at all this year).... My kids just got back from the summer and I wasn't at all miserable! I missed them, yes but I really enjoyed myself. I got some really great quality time with Goofball. We got a lot of great one on one time and I feel really good about things with him. He is amazing.

I also spent a lot of time with my dog. I know, it might sound crazy but he is super cute and we got a lot of time to just hang. He really seemed to enjoy the one on one time. Goofball and I even took him to the beach this summer. He had a blast!! Of course the interior of my car didn't enjoy it! But after a good vacuum, I think I got all the sand out!

And lastly, work has been crazy busy BUT in a good way! I have felt for a long time that I had lost my "spark" for work. Actually I have felt pretty stupid, like I couldn't remember policies or procedures. I didn't feel like I could complete tasks by the deadlines or without many mistakes, etc. But finally, FINALLY I feel like I am getting my brain back. It feels good!

Anyway, I am very happy with my life right now and I can honestly say that I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

Book Review: Parents who Cheat....

2009-07-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

Title: Parents who Cheat: How Children and Adults are affected when their parents are unfaithful
Author: Ana Nogales, Ph.D. with Laura Golden Bellotti

I was asked to review this book by TLC Book Tours. If you aren't familiar, check them out!

My first impression was, "Well obviously negatively affected by their parents but also, who told them?" I realize there are many reasons that children are told or find out.... but still....

I don't think I have ever mentioned it before but.... I have had an affair. When it happened, I thought we were getting a divorce and he and I were not having sex.... but I did hide it and we were still married. We ended up staying married to and when I made the decision to stay with him, I had ended the affair weeks before then. Was it right? No. Do I regret it? No. But would I tell my children? No and thankfully they never had to find out.... either by my leaving to be with this other man, no babies were born, etc. So in our case, I didn't have to tell them and they will never know. We stayed together another 8 years and I wish I could say that I never thought about cheating again. I did. A LOT! I just never got what I needed out of the relationship. I also had a couple of "emotional" affairs, if you will. I emailed with old boyfriends or friends to get that verbal attention I needed. But I digress....

So anyway, I was interested to read this book for that reason.... also because like I said, Lisa at TLC Book Tours asked me to!

I thought the book was well written, well organized and she seemed to cover everything. It is like most self-books in that I feel you don't have to read it straight through or even completely to get what you need out of it. I found myself skipping to different parts of the book as I had a question about one topic or another.

I am not sure that I personally can use the information in the book but I am glad I read it. I would recommend it for anyone in this situation, either you were cheated on, you were the cheater or you are a child of infidelity.

Something missing from my life....???

2009-07-19T20:09:00.003-05:00

I have always felt like something has always been missing from my life. Some people might argue that I am not missing something.... but I have always felt like this one person should be. I have never met this person and never will..... Who is it? A sister.... my sister.

I have felt this way since I can remember. I thought my baby brother would be a sister but alas.... she was a boy which made two little brothers for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers and I really wouldn't trade them! However, there is a very different relationship between a brother and sister than the one between sisters.

There have been times through my life that a sister would have really come in handy. And really while some people might not have a great relationship with their sister, and there is no guarantee that we would (if she existed), I think the way me and my brothers were raised, we would have been close.

I am pretty close with my youngest brother. So in a way, I have that close sibling but again, I just think a sister relationship, a female relationship with a sibling would be so different. We could talk differently than my brother and I do. We could do things like shopping, discuss children/babies, being pregnant, things like that. While my bro and I have discussed these things a little bit, it has its limits. He has never been pregnant or given birth. He doesn't know what it is like to date a guy or know what it is like to be hormonally crazy once a month. He isn't a big fan of shopping either.

I also think that if I had a sister, or I would hope, that maybe, just maybe we would live near each other. I have always believed that men more often than women, move away from family, at least their own family but they will live closer to the wife's family.

I really could have used a sister during my school days too. I really needed that "built in" friend. I had a really hard time getting through the years and I think (or at least day dream) that it would have been better with a sister in it.

Also our family was an odd numbered family. On family trips, my brothers could hang out and my parents had each other.... and I was odd man out. If there would have been four of us, well then I would have had someone.

I do have some great sister-in-laws but it really isn't the same. But alas, I do not have a sister and I never will.... so I just have to be thankfully for what I do have and I am!! :) (even if I will always miss having a sister)

Trouble Sleeping

2009-07-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

but not really falling asleep though it is taking a little longer than usual. It is more the staying asleep that is getting to me right now.

I don't know what the problem is but I have had sleep issues for a million years now. When I actually sleep through the night, it is a good night. And really the other sad thing is that I start sleeping really good about an hour before it is time to get up. So on the weekends (or days off) it works out great because as long as I have no where to go, I can just let myself sleep from about 4:30 am on.... until I get up.

Part of the trouble right now though, I do know. My kids are gone and for whatever reason I have trouble sleeping when they are gone. Another is I have like 50 million things on my mind. Work is like kicking my butt lately. I love it, don't get me wrong but sometimes I truly feel like I am drowning. I have also been doing the job for a long time. It is time for a move (within my current company).

It is one of the things I love about where I work. They encourage movement, career development and the like. Right now, like the rest of the employment world, there is nada in the way of new jobs. Those very few opportunities that do come up are snatched faster than anything.

So for now I hang on and just really try to work hard, stay motivated and learn as much as I can.....

.... without falling asleep...... :)

Happy dreams, peeps!

Busy, busy, busy!

2009-07-06T01:00:00.001-05:00

This week is shaping up to be extremely busy at work. That is fine. Makes the days fly by or so I can hope, right?

One of my co-workers just lost his grandmother. She has been very sick and has fought like a champ, but alas she lost her battle. At least she is at peace now.

I already had my own long to-do list, now I have some of his. I don't mind, this is not a complaint. Just giving an idea of what my week will look like.

Then I got two free tickets to the Astros game on Friday night. I haven't seen a game (live) in years! They were in the Astrodome then.... I have never been to Minute Maid Park. Now I just need to find someone to go with me. :)

I got a lot done this weekend though I still feel like I have a ton of cleaning left to do. I got a lot of the clutter cleaned and that was the really important part! Still a few "hot spots" to clean but overall, much better. I feel lighter! Good feeling!

I did a bit for myself this weekend; like I mentioned below, I got a pedicure. First one in at least 3 yrs. Long overdue and much deserved. It felt good. I also bought a few things for myself and just got several errands checked off. Visited family and relaxed!!!

I think I am ready for my busy week. I love my job (though ready for some new challenges) and at least it keeps me busy!

Falling apart a little bit

2009-07-05T09:22:00.005-05:00

I wasn't going to write this out until I got to talk to him but it doesn't look like I will get to any time soon.... and it is nearly killing me.

He is in pain. He is hurting. Lost, confused. Hell I don't even know what he is going through. I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive and just here. I don't want to fall apart out in the "open" where he can see it (he reads this blog and I am not going to hide my blog just so I can talk freely).... but it is time now not to just hold it in and be for him. I have to be for me some things too.

Not to take away from his situation at all, his feelings. But it is because of how he feels that I am a mess but not only because he seems so lost but also because he is gone.

I have never in my life felt for someone the way I feel for him (kids not included). I feel so complete when I am with him. Calm, safe. I have always felt guarded and like I needed to almost protect myself from other men. I had to be careful. Never was I abused physically but emotionally for sure. He isn't like that.

He is hands down the best man I have ever met. Smart, caring, thoughtful, respectful, funny and sexy as hell.

I love that he is out doing for him for a change. He absolutely deserves the time and needs it. But it is also extremely hard on me to have him gone. I am in tears nearly everyday. Cranky. Moody. I want to do for myself and I am trying. I got a pedicure.... the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I have gotten quite a bit done in the house but still have so much to do.

And damn it isn't like I see him everyday, but maybe a few times here and there, but he is so amazing that knowing I am missing time with him when life is so short anyway, well it is hard.

And all I can say is I am trying and wish for him some clarity, time for himself and that he knows I am here for him when he is ready.... no rushing, no pressure. I am strong enough to get through this.... I just have to let myself fall apart a little to keep it together.

Back when I was a new mommy

2009-07-03T01:00:00.001-05:00

It has been a while since I was a first time mommy. It was actually just over 15 yrs ago. My little girl was born June 25.... she came two weeks early.

I was in the Navy at the time so I got 6 weeks maternity leave. Not too much but then I was a shining star, climbing the ladder type. So 6 wks was fine with me, except for one thing. I had to find child care for my precious baby. Okay... okay but my worry was she would know me as mom in name only. I was worried she would love another in that "mom/daughter" way.

Well that never happened and my fears were quickly put to rest the first time I picked her up and she smiled the hugest smile for me! Then the first time she giggled and reached for me.

Well 1 year ago today, my children got a new "mom" in their life. She had been in their life already for a year and that was a tough year for all of us. We were dealing with so many new emotions and feels. The kids were nervous to let me know they liked her. I was fighting back some jealous feelings, though not for him/her but for my kids. I didn't want them to love another "mom".... But it was too late, I liked her as soon as I met her. She is a nice, bubbly person. The kind that you can't help but seem to like.

As soon as I did meet her, I knew they were going to get married. I just could feel a vibe (I do that a lot).... So I started a friendship with her. Some may think it is weird but it works for us and I feel better about who my kids are spending time with. I trust her.... maybe even more than I trust my ex with them. Sad really.

Today is their 1 year anniversary and I am happy to have her as part of our weird little family. I couldn't ask for a better person to love my children and for them to think of in that mommy way.

I know they love me more than anyone else in the world.... :)

My bucket list....

2009-07-01T18:27:00.003-05:00

So I have been thinking about this for years, even before the movie. But thinking about it is all I have done and I have wasted valuable time that I could be checking things off my list.

The big questions in my mind about it are do I put a date on it like my 40th or 50th bday or do I leave it open ended? What happens if I don't complete something or can't or what? What types of things do I put on it?

I know pretty much what I want to put on it. The typicals like travel, things to eat, sights to see, people to meet/see. I don't think I want to do much of the daredevil types of things but I am not ruling that out.

I think what I could say is that I want to get X stuff done by 40 (only 3 1/2 yrs) and then some other things by 50, etc.

But then what about the World we are living in, how is it going to change over the next 5, 10, 20 years? So should I leave some flexibility in it? Of course....

Do you have a bucket list?

Every Summer....

2009-06-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

So every summer, I am faced with one major decision: What am I going to do without the kids?

It seems like a simple thing. It really does. Everyone offers great ideas. But some of the things I just am not willing to do alone: dinner, movie. And the open ended one is, "Well just do something for yourself."

What does that mean? I mean I guess I know WHAT it means but I don't know how to do it.

Most of the year, I have the kids. I get to go out some, mostly with Goofball, sometimes with other friends. But when possible, I try to do something with the kiddos. But I am limited to a certain radius from home. I can go so distance from home, but not overnight and I try to stay in places that I can get a phone call.

So since most of the year I have them, when I don't, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I still have to think about the doggie but he is pretty good. Just no overnights unless I can get someone to come look after him or see if there is room at the Inn (read: Vet)

What am I doing with my time?

I went to dinner with an very good friend who I have known since elementary school. That was fun!

I had a phone chat with a long-lost (and now found) friend from my early Navy days! For whatever reason, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, have found each other again. She is talking about coming to visit me too!

Then I am hoping to go visit my cousin this week, might see my school friend again. We have a family party on Saturday and in there some time I want to clean the house some more. (One project at a time)

I volunteered to help at some community thing for work but haven't heard an update on things as of yet.

Where is Goofball?

He is out of town for an undefined amount of time. I miss him but he does need this break. I'll be here when he is ready.

My big thing this year is to stay healthy! Last summer was chaos. I don't even want to think about it. Not even going to link to last year's stuff. I have already taken positive steps to get there. I started Weight Watchers (at work) back in March. I have lost 13 lbs to date. Slow and steady wins the race.

So those are my summer plans, does it sound like I am doing something for myself? I hope so! because I feel like I am. :)

Explaining my absence

2009-06-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

I'm back, YO!

2009-05-03T12:53:00.003-05:00

I had a great weekend. At one point, I actually said, "I have nothing in my head." and that meant exactly that.... I often have a million things running through it: to-do lists, bills to pay, songs, kid voices and a hundred other things. So to walk away from it for just.... a few days, was AWESOME!

Not much to tell, we kinda took a Vegas type of vow of "What happens in.... stays in....." ya know? Of course not too much happened that we can't talk about but it is fun to think that we had really big secrets like that.

I did learn a lot about myself during the trip. I plan to write about those things soon, I hope.

And ya know friendship are so interesting to me. M and I haven't seen each other since April/May 2000 (time frame) and it was almost like we have never been apart.

Anyway, thanks to all the new readers and a special thanks to all those that have been with me for a while. I really appreciate you sticking with me through the feast and famine of my blog.

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

2009-04-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

I am heading to Orlando on Friday for a girls only weekend! The organizer is probably my best friend in the world... or at least one of my top girls! I named K after her.... that is how much she means to me. We were in the Navy together and then got stationed at the same base for our first years. We partied together. We had our babies together and went through a lot of ups and downs. She sees me better than almost anyone.

Then there will be her SIL who I know. And then my friend's BFF from grade school. I feel like I know her and I can't wait to really meet her!

I only have one thing on my mind that is making me almost wish I wasn't going. I will miss Goofball very much. I am just crazy for that boy. We usually see each other 1-2x a week... usually Friday and/or Sunday (sometimes both days, sometimes only one).

I will miss our Friday for sure and not sure about seeing him on Sunday. I hope so!

But ya know, that isn't even all of it. I really wish that we could travel together but at this time in our life's we can't. Some of you know the story but some are coming here for the first time. I haven't shared it on my blog. Just due to privacy, I won't be.

The point is that sometimes I feel ... not guilty but... well like I just miss him more because I wish he was with me and enjoying things with me. That is pretty much it.

I do plan to have a great time. I have new clothes and I got some fun girls to hang with so it is all good.

In other news the kids' dad is coming in to stay with them. At first there was talk about his wife coming too and they would both be staying in my house. I was some what okay with this but like I wrote, my house is not always the cleanest place. Today he told me that just he is coming. Okay then, I am okay with that too and in fact I will feel less nervous about it.

Have a good weekend. I don't think I will write again until I get back...

Wordless Wednesday - New Camera!

2009-04-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

If I had one wish....

2009-04-28T18:44:00.003-05:00

Most people would make a wish for something out there.... A dream vacation, a lot of money, maybe even more wishes. Right? Some people might even wish for something like how they want to find true love, maybe a loved one getting well, something less selfish than the other wishes.

However, me? I wish for something maybe a little out there or hey maybe to other parents it isn't all the crazy. I wish for a clean house. Not just for one day but everyday. I guess really to back up, I just wish my children were as into the idea of having a clean house as I was. Or maybe I would wish for something like me being a better "housewife"... I am so not very domestic, I have other skills instead. :)

However, I really want my house to be clean. I really want to not be embarrassed by it any more. I really want to teach my children the importance of cleaning, being neat and how to clean. I think that is an important skill, don't you? Okay don't answer that.

I wish I could peek into other people's houses so I could just see if I am the only one or not. Some days I can't believe we live here like this. I expect Oprah's production team to show up at my house, saying my name/house was sent in as the dirtiest house in America and wow they are surprising me with a team of cleaning people.... but the catch is my house will be seen by millions! Hmm, yeah I don't even want Goofball to see my house or my parents. I cringe when the doorbell rings because I don't want people to see in!

And it isn't like I don't know HOW to clean, I do. But I will admit, I am a surface cleaner. I know I have talked about this before (but I am too lazy to look back through all the blog entries for just where).... If you can see it in my house, most of the time that is all that is clean. Just don't look behind anything, under, inside my closets are off limits. Okay?

The other thing is that we just have too much stuff for the size of my house. I have too many living things in the house (4 people, 3 pets). The house is around 1000 sq ft. I do have a huge yard which totally makes up for it.... Okay, almost makes up for it. The remodel we did last summer has made a huge difference even though it didn't add a lot more square feet. It used to be just less than 1000, now we are officially over it.

At any rate I just need less stuff in my house or people who are willing to help and even clean up after themselves or the Clean Sweep Team or a team of maids or a magic gene. I am not sure which would be better.

But that is what I wish for.... What about you?

Summer's coming!

2009-04-23T21:59:00.003-05:00

Oh and I might have gotten a new camera too. :)

Oy!

2009-04-13T07:07:00.003-05:00

I'm fine! :) The "Sometimes" entry was suppose to be more of an almost poetic type of writing. Do I feel that way? Yeah a little bit. I mean I do get really lonely being a single woman. Last night I was feeling it a bit more than normal. But I have been thinking about the below piece for some time.

I actually feel pretty darn good about life. Things aren't exactly the way I want them. I miss Goofball more than I see him but when we do hang out, it is great. I have my babies too! I have a wonderful family. I have a job.... tomorrow, in fact, heading out to California for a week. No blogging for sure this week....

So yeah, sometimes I get sad and lonely and throw a pity party for one. Really? It is just an excuse to write!

I know I am lucky. Very lucky.

Sometimes.....

2009-04-12T19:50:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get so lonely that it actually hurts.
Sometimes I feel like I could just burst into tears from the pain.
Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the lonely.
Sometimes the pain of it is so overwhelming.
Sometimes I just wish it would go away.
Sometimes I run out of words because I just feel empty.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

2009-04-06T18:52:00.003-05:00

Yeah that pretty much sums it up! If it isn't one thing it is another. Usually it is my allergies in some form and I am almost 100% sure that I will have to find an allergist again. I haven't had to get shots for a long time. I just recently got an inhaler which I haven't had for at least 6 yrs, probably more.

I still battle fatigue and pains in my neck, back and shoulders. My doctor has said that is stress and yeah it is. I can tell because there are times when I have nothing to think about and I am pain free! It is soo nice.

And it is like a vicious circle because here is the thing... I know part of it is my weight but I don't feel good so I don't work out or eat right. I am tired all the time so I don't work out or eat right and because I don't do either I feel tired and feel crappy. Isn't that nice?

I mean I get it. I do but it is sooo hard to break that cycle.

However, I would like to report that I finally had a productive weekend. I finally felt good! All weekend. For two whole days! I got so much done!

And then today I am sore! and tired! and back to .... well my normal anyway. But also a bit different, why? because I feel good about all I got done that I overcame some of my "issues" and was able to do the things I have needed to for so long.

I am also doing Weight Watchers at work, taking the stairs to the 4th floor at work (and back down) and trying to take control of my life and health again.

I'm a planner so sue me!

2009-03-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

I am a planner. I like routine and while I sometimes worry that I get in a rut.... well it isn't a rut exactly the way some people think. It is more like a depression or something missing feeling than a true rut.

Sooo anyway, I don't like to be in limbo, not knowing what tomorrow brings. No I can't tell the future and I don't expect to but as long as I have a plan, I feel safe. I usually have more than one plan for any given time. This helps keep my anxiety disorder under control.

For example, to go to the grocery store, I have to talk myself through the steps.... Where to park, then park, which door I am going to go in, where I will start, etc. I visualize each of these steps too, not just talking myself through it.... It is a very detailed process in my mind but it helps me to get through it. It is easier for me to go if I take one or more child with me. When I have to go alone, I actually have to force myself to go. It almost hurts to go sometimes. I tend to park in the same general area, go in the same door, walk the same path.

And it isn't just the grocery store. It is everywhere.

My days are like this too. If my mornings don't go just right, I have a hard time shaking it. I can barely keep my anxiety under control .... but I do. I do it almost everyday.

However, sometimes some thing will come along and shake everything I know. Just one situation and everything goes haywire. Something big, like my divorce, losing my job, financial issues.... like big ones, not just everyday ones. When those things happen, I can fall into my rut, depression, anxiety, just fall into myself and I can't climb out easily. I have to get my balance again, I have to steady myself and then put one foot in front of the other.

It might sound crazy. Maybe I am. I make it work most of the time but I just have to have a plan (or two or three... as back ups, just in case).

What's in a name? .... Everything!

2009-03-27T19:37:00.002-05:00

The name of my blog is Single Mom Finding Herself. I started writing this about 3 yrs ago (actually in May it will be 3 yrs). I had tried two times before to start a blog but I couldn't find my niche, the thing that would make me want to write and make me stand out a bit.

At the time I was starting a journey of going from being a couple with children to being two separate people with children. He was moving 200+ miles away and I was going to school, looking for permanent work and trying hard to raise three children.... Oh and trying to date.... but first that would take sorting through what I had become and looking deep for the person I really was.

My marriage had nearly killed me. My soul was sold to that man in 1999 when I decided to not go through with the divorce then. That haunted me year after year. Until August 2004, when an old boyfriend came back into my life, only via emails and IM, but I was able to put some closure of hurt that I still carried from that relationship and break up. It made me strong and I knew what I had to do. It took months but I finally got my husband (now ex) to agree to let me come home and look for a job. I knew I wasn't going back and so did he. He likes to remember it differently and that is okay. We all have our own views on life... this is mine. I knew that by coming back here, I was going to get a divorce. Though I did try a few times that last year.... it was really over.

This is why I started my blog and Single Mom Finding Herself fit then and still fits now. It really describes me and to be honest I have thought a lot about starting a new blog to give myself a little anonymity. Many people know about this blog now, even though I haven't been as active lately, my name is still out there. There are things I want to write about that I would rather people that know me, not read. Why? I don't know. Everyone can have a few secrets, right?

Recently I was talking with M is for Misanthrope, as part of our conversation, she said how my name really holds true because I am still on a road of discovery. Okay, maybe not her exact words but ya know.... I think we are all doing that, everyday. We change and rediscovery something about our self everyday.

So my blog is here to stay. I do not have another blog. I do not plan to start another and the only way I would is if I took my name with me.... I will just follow my dad's long given advice of "Don't write anything you don't want someone to read."

Besides, if I don't keep up the blog, my book won't make as much sense!

No apologies

2009-03-26T21:06:00.003-05:00

I am tired of apologizing for my lack of blogging, even if I am sorry and missing it, I will not apologize. Life happens.

So what has been happening? Kids stuff. Lots of work and I have been sick again. and just a few other things I am not ready to talk about or even wrap my brain around.... Ack!

Kids stuff.... My daughter has been talking to people all over the country. I can only HOPE they are truly people her age but I don't know and I can't be for sure so we (her father and I) have had to take some measures to protect her. He has her cell phone account so he has been monitoring her use and OH BOY does she use it! She ran up quite the bill recently. He has blocked several phone numbers of guys we know she is talking to. I deleted a game she plays which is where she has been "meeting" these guys and set some parental controls so I can view her activity and control the hours in which she uses the computer. I doubt she will have as much interest now that I deleted that.

In some ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been "meeting" people online for about 7 yrs now but I am a grown-up, she is a child. While I still have to be careful and use common sense online, I do and I understand. She just doesn't have that common sense yet. She is a smart kid but in the name of being "cool" or having a "boyfriend".... she just won't think.

Soooo that is my child problems.

Work is work. I am burned out and need a new one. I have interviewed for a new position at my company but no news yet. Soooo..... just keeping my eyes open for new opportunities.

Sick? Yeah I think it is stress, lack of sleep and maybe a sinus infection. But the way I feel is a lot like I felt this past summer with the seizures. I really hope it is something easy. I don't want to have a ton of medical bills again. Ack!

That is my life right now.

To Shuttle Mom!!! and about my Bday

2009-03-04T19:44:00.003-06:00

This is several days late but I did think of you on our Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! I hope you got spoiled and that you have a great year! (Thanks for the Bday wishes in the comments)

I had a great weekend and a great Bday. I took the kids to Target and they got me some gifts. They were soo cute about it. I parked myself in Starbuck's with a drink and a book (Jen Lancaster! Love her! If you haven't read her, get thyself to a book store pronto! I have my ex's wife reading them right now and she said her new hobby is to cyper-stalk Jen.... I said welcome to the club.... Wait, off point!) Anyway, K got me some new PJs, love them. H got me a picture frame and got my mom to take a picture of the three of them to put in it! Cute! and then my little L got me some shoes. And for a 6 yr old, he actually has good taste.

Then my parents made me a great Italian Dinner, got me a cake and gave me some things from Bath and Body works. Awesome.

I then took my bday off.... since it was Monday! and Goofball and I spent the day together. It was nice. Oh sooo nice!

Sooo I just have to say, it was a great way to start my 36th year.

Feeling better

2009-02-17T20:07:00.003-06:00

Thank you for all the great support! I have taken it all to heart.

I had a chat with my most special friend tonight and she gave me the talk I needed. I appreciate her very much. She is one of my dearest friends and though we have been apart for a long time, it is only distance. She still knows me very, very well. And she isn't the type that tells me WHAT I want to hear but what I NEED to hear and I really love that about her. But sometimes what I want to hear is the hard stuff that is hard to swallow but I need it just the same.

She knows that I have times that I just get depressed and it has nothing to do with anything but my typical depression cycles and when that happens, I tend to magnify one or two problems to something huge... It isn't a big deal and I just need to remember that.

Ack! I hate depression! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

But I have a plan and she thinks it is good so we go from there... err, I go from there. :)

Thank you for listening (Reading)!!!

Thick skin/thin skin

2009-02-17T01:00:00.001-06:00

I feel like I am a pretty strong person and I love myself very much. This wasn't always the case and while I feel this way most of the time, sometimes I allow myself to get down on myself and give into being weak. I think it is normal.

I also feel like I am fairly thick skinned, meaning I don't take things to heart when people talk bad about me or tell me I am wrong. Heck I know I am not perfect and I know what areas I could improve on. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be human and I wouldn't be me.

However, once I open my heart to you, be it family or friend, I get a very thin skin and can be hurt by you. I think this is also a normal part of being human. We have emotions and I don't think as a whole we were meant to be reclusive. I realize there are exceptations to ever rule but my point is we seek out people to be around and have in our life, and therefore we can open ourselves to being hurt.

Not sure where I was going with this.... Hmmm... Let's change direction a bit... I am trying to explain my recent absence a bit but it is very scrambled up.

I just feel like my life is spinning around me right now and I do not feel like fixing it at the moment. I might whine a bit or complain, heck I might even cry or worse get sick from it. But I know it is a moment in time and I know that I will get back to me. I call these times my depression moments. I am down in this hole, just looking up and watching, waiting for the skies to clear. I can only focus on one area in my life at a time when I am like this. It has to be work most of the time or else I can't support the family.

The house is the first thing that takes a back seat. Gosh I want my house clean but if I just hide in the hole for a bit, I can't see it. I am not a great housekeeper, never have been. I see the pet hair. I see the 100 glasses and the trash and the laundry.

I just want to pay someone else to do it who either 1. is good at it and/or 2. does a good job because it is their job. I don't care which just so long as I have a clean house and I am not the one doing it....

Cooking is not fun for me anymore either.... heck it wasn't, even before I climbed on down this hole. I used to enjoy it and I used to have pride in it, but I also worked a lot fewer hours and had people that actually appreciated my efforts. I do eat "bad" several times a week but for the most part, I do okay. I try to eat several veggies and some fruit in a day. I try to balance my carb intact and my proteins. I do drink one soda a day but I drink a lot of water. When I don't have a soda, I will drink one glass of milk or juice.... there are rare days I do both in one day (Sunday for example was a bad food day).... But truly I know what to eat, how to eat and how much. I know why I am overweight. Just right now, in this hole, it is not a priority.

And then I could complain about my kids. They do not help me around the house as much as I would like and they are somewhat disrespectful to me. I have tried many different things except for whatever works. Rewards, consequences, grounding, etc.... Doesn't matter to them. And I am sure if I had cameras in my house 24/7, I could see what it is I am doing wrong. I am a push over and I have some typical mommy guilt that causes me to reduce groundings and reward even when there is nothing to reward. I get it. But overall, I have good kids and they do know when to stop pushing back and just pick up.....

That is just a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind.... and it isn't even the big, huge elephant in the room problem that I can't seem to deal with. These are the fixable things at least. My big elephant is not at the moment fixable. Well really it is but I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation and the clock is ticking. And this is the one that keeps me hiding in this hole. This is one that if I decide to fix, it will get me out of the hole but do I want to?

I told myself several years ago that if I was ever unhappy with something in my life I would fix it. Be it a job, a relationship, myself, the house.... It didn't matter, I would take control and fix it. I vowed that life was too short to live it unhappy, yet what if the thing that brings you the most joy is also the thing destroying you day after day, week after week.... Then what?

So you see why I live with an elephant.

I don't want anyone reading into this what they think my problem might be that needs fixing. You could guess and guess, and you would be wrong.... and heck even if it were true, am I ready to admit it? No, not yet.

I don't really want someone to fix it for me either. I have to solve this problem. It is my problem.

It took me eight years to fix my last elephant sized problem and before that it was also years. I am a patient person but I also believe in taking risks. So just like I knew it was time to move back to Texas, end my marriage, quit a job I didn't like.... I will wait until I feel I am ready and only then can I walk away thinking, "No regrets! and What a ride!"

NASCAR is back!!!!

2009-02-15T09:43:00.003-06:00

Today is the Daytona 500!!!! Wooohooo!

Of course L has a bday party to go to through most of it and I am sooo tempted to call them and say we can't make it. But *sigh*... I won't. I will just catch the beginning and end as well as record it on DVR just in case I miss something good!

I don't have any prediction and I have to admit I haven't kept up with the latest news on the drivers.... but I will now!

Good luck today boys! I am hoping for a good race!

Looking at the past to find myself

2009-02-15T01:00:00.000-06:00

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook. I originally joined for work as a networking thing and also to learn the ins and outs of it because I have teenagers and I need to know about these social networking sites.

For a long time I resisted looking for my high school classmates. I hated HS and was very socially immature back them. I remember so many embarrassing things that I did or said and I hate to think that people will remember that way. But there are many people that I truly do want to know how they are doing and others I have gotten in touch with through the years, and then lost touch.

Heck I don't even think I will be going to my 20th HS Reunion but it is still about 2 yrs away so who knows. Maybe by opening this door to my past I can mend some of the bridges, fix the fences and just in general get some closure on my past. I figured if people get a look at my life now and who I have became, they would also forget the way I used to be.

I do realize we all change from the people we were in HS. After all, it was 18 yrs ago and we were still children though trying to be adults. We went to college or to work, we have gotten married and some divorced. We have kids now and have responsibility that we just didn't have in HS.

I do like me now. I like me a lot. I think I am a good person, fun to be around and I know when enough is enough..... most of the time! I would be my friend if I were me. So maybe in a few years when it is time for our reunion and due to the fact that I have now opened that door, I might just go and I might just have fun!

Still around and kickin'

2009-02-10T20:09:00.002-06:00

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.

His favorite things

2009-01-18T11:05:00.003-06:00

My youngest is 6 years old. There is a big gap between him and the older two by nature not by design. He was treated much different than the older two because one I was an older parent and two I had more experience and three, he had these two older siblings to help spoil and entertain him.

He has also had to be more competitive to get attention and what his sees as his.

That being said, he inherited a lot of his brother's old toys. As H would outgrow them, L would get them.

But more than that, L has a different view on toys than H did. EVERYTHING, no joke, is L's fave. Even down to things he gets out of a Happy Meal or gum ball machine. He honestly plays with all his toys.

I have tried numerous times to go through his toys to clean out ones he doesn't play with but as I sort through, I find very few things that he just doesn't play with and usual it is because those few things are broken or something.

On one hand, I love this about him because he has such a great imagination that he can figure out how to make Fisher Price Little people, dinosaurs and Star Wars figures all interact in a way that makes sense. He amazes me!

However, after each birthday and each Christmas, I am finding it harder and harder to buy him things because we have just plain run out of room for his things. This year I tried telling him that Santa needed him to clean out his things to make room for new things. He agreed but we still had a really hard time and in the end, I didn't take out a thing that wasn't broken. Anything broken is out of here.

Does your child have one favorite things or is he/she like mine and loves everything?

In a rut?

2009-01-07T18:12:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I feel like my life is in a rut. I do the same things everyday. I see the same people. I wear the same clothes. I have the same worries. I eat the same foods. My life doesn't change much. And most of the time I am okay with that.

But there are others times I get itchy, restless. Not ready to settle on what life has handed me. I want to take risks and step out of my comfort zone but....

For some reason I lose my nerve. I stay in my comfort zone. I keep doing the same things. I do try not to complain most of the time either because I know I did it. I know I am the one and only holding me back.

I guess this is one of those times that I miss having a partner next to me (girl or guy, just a friend to take risks with). I don't have a best friend, I don't have a sister and I don't have a spouse.... though this could easily be a role that Goofball could fill if time and schedules were not an issue for both of us. (and no I don't mean spouse, just partner in crime type of role).....

I need that moral support to help me get over my fears. Fears of what? Oh looking stupid! Falling down. Tripping over someone. All those things.

It is silly really but it is all part of my mental health (healthy and unhealthy)....

But honestly I have no idea how to fix it. So basically I am just whining for nothing right now.

Happy New Year!!!! 2009

2009-01-02T09:51:00.004-06:00

I can't believe it is 2009!? Is that right? It used to seem such a long time ago. Wasn't it just yesterday we were all singing how we were going to party like it was 1999? And 1999 was ten years ago now. So now how are we suppose to party? Like it is 2019? 2029?

Well anyway, I can't say I am exactly sad to see 2008 end though. It wasn't really a bad year but it was pretty rough and at times I wasn't sure if I would ever get through the moments. After all, though, they are just moments in time and if we wait long enough and think positively, we will get through.

Easier said than done when you aren't sure where the money is going to come from or why your body is suddenly betraying you but still.

I have pushed past and kept my eye on the prize and now my life looks so much better or at least to me.

I sit now in my newly remodeled bedroom after showering in my new bathroom. I am getting ready to hop in my new car and take my three beautiful wonderful children to visit their grandparents and new Aunt and two new cousins. Afterwards, we will come home and hang out with Goofball this evening and no doubt we will be tackled by our 60 lb pup!

Yep, 2008 wasn't too bad but I am so looking forward to the surprises that await me everyday in this new year. And yes, I truly believe that everyday is a chance for a new surprise. Nothing special but just a beautiful sunset or a hug from my child or a special word from a friend or even finding a penny on the ground. Everyday can be that way if you look at it that way.... and this is actually how I think each morning.

But human is as human does, I do let other things get me down.... traffic, mean people, my ex or just worry in general. Worry that I can't protect my children. There are so many things that I have no power over and few I would even if I could. They have to experience some hurt in life, right? I do try to push those thoughts from my mind as much as possible though because if I worry about what could be or what might happen, then I might miss what is right now. Because that, my friends, is what life is about..... enjoying the here and now.....

I have heard that..... the past is the past, the future is the future, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

Enjoy it, my friends. Blessings and best wishes for a happy new year.

Single Mom’s Night before Christmas

2008-12-25T01:00:00.001-06:00

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Every creature was stirring, but luckily, no mouse.
The stockings are here and one over there...
It is almost like nobody around here could care.
The children were wild and fighting, nowhere near their beds.
While helpless, I watch them hit each other's heads.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter.
We all ran out to see what was the matter.
Away to the door, I flew like a flash
Tripped on a car and then stepped on some trash.
I cursed out loud at the mess they had made
And said, “why can’t you put things way after you played.”
When what to my wondering eyes should I find,
But the dog and cat in quite a bind.
The dog was barking, the cat was hissing.
But good thing neither was missing.
The kids started shouting and making it worse.
I knew I had to take control, and started to converse.
“Now, Cowboy! Now Sebastian! Kids stop it right now!”
“Oh come on guys, I need a break, somehow.”
“Get in the house! And go to your rooms!”
“You in the kennel. No more of these volumes.”
With sad faces or tucked tails, and emotional display
They did march, but for once no words of back talk, they just did obey.
I sat for a moment, and paused at the scene.
And thought, “How many people live here? Fifteen?”
I had to clean before Santa could do his task.
I really had no choice and no time to bask.
I picked up and dusted, straightened and washed every dish
I was getting sleepy, cranky and downright childish.
I creeped down the hall to check on the kids.
I found even breathing and closed tight eyelids.
Then back down the hall to where presents were stashed,
And hoped that nothing got too smashed.
I started unpacking and sorting out gifts
Once, from the bedrooms, I heard tiny shifts,
So I paused and listened, and heard not a sound
I had to work fast before I was found!
All gifts were arranged, full stockings and candy canes hung on the tree,
It would be quite a sight for the first up to see.
I yawned and I stretched before turning out the light,
I reflected for a moment on what all happened that night.
I did this again by myself. Just one mother with three children
No partner around, just me to take action.
My children, my world. My everything in those three.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to thee.

Traffic Makes Poeple Crazy

2008-12-24T01:00:00.001-06:00

I'm sure somewhere someone is doing a very expensive, time consuming study about this. And yes we have all heard about road rage.

Let me save you both time and money and give you the answer. Waiting in traffic makes people crazy!

They get mad, impatient and forget their manners. They yell, curse and flip off strangers. Cut in line, block intersections, drive on the shoulder, cut corners and just in general make it dangerous for others.

Am I guilty of some, if not all, of these? YES!

I sit in a lot of traffic and mostly, though, I am patient. My occasional yelling or impatience is at the idiot that I mentioned above.

Tonight, for example, we were sitting in a lot of traffic to only go a few miles at best. As soon as we were free, some one made the mistake of deciding to turn right.... the horror! The more important person in the car behind them decided they wanted to go in around instead of waiting the 1-2 seconds it would take for the person to turn. Problem was I was in the lane next to them. I honked, the VIP stayed in her lane.

I don't remember driving always being like this. I feel like I am driving into warfare or something. I have to be both offensive and defensive at the same time with my driving.

What I hate the most in the whole wide world is when a driver knows the lane ends, you have to merge, the continuing lane backs up, as drivers will go all the way to the end of the lane before getting over and basically "cut" in. What is worse is when they will continue on the shoulder until they can get in. I will let one car in. One car! That's all I "have" to let in. One car is polite! And yes sometimes I will let 2 in, but that is my limit! Why should I let 2, 3, 4 people over just so I have to sit there that much longer. What if every car in front of me let 2+ cars in line? That is why the line is sooo long in the first place! Duh!

Anyway, just had to vent since I almost got sideswapped tonight! (actually writing this on Monday but posting on Wednesday!)

Ban on Dogs or Owners

2008-12-23T01:00:00.000-06:00

I don't usually write about "hot topics" but this one is a hot button for me.

There was this article about Texas Attorney General being asked his opinion on banning certain breeds of dogs. Very interesting, yet hot topic.

I don't know if I agree or disagree. But let me talk you through some of my thoughts on it.

I am a dog owner. I am not the best nor worst dog owner. I know what to do in theory with him but I don't always follow through as much as I should. One thing that I made sure I did was socialize him as a puppy but since I haven't been able to get him neutered yet (after the first of the year! snip, snip, baby) I haven't done as much socializing as he needs.

So I do try to be a responsible pet owner of a very powerful, strong and smart dog. He is a mix of two of the breeds on this list for home insurance and dog breeds that might raise your insurance rate or you may even get denied. (I was honestly surprised to see Husky because all of them that I have known are big teddy bears but they are strong dogs and in the wrong hands....I guess)

I knew this getting him so I had to take a firm hand (okay somewhat) from the beginning (he was sooo darn cute in the beginning).... He is still really cute and it is hard sometimes to follow through with disciplining him. I also try not to really play with him too much, like rough play (I will throw a ball or toy) but I don't want him to see me as an equal but as the alpha. I need to control the food and boundaries, etc. He can not win "games" with me. I have to win or I don't play.

So anyway, I would hate for my dog "breed" to be banned and I know many pit bull owners would be upset by it too.

However, I think that many of them would agree with me that in the wrong hands and with the crossed and bad bloodlines out there, they can be very dangerous. That isn't to say they all are, just that they can be.... They are smart, strong, powerful dogs. Then again, any dog can be bad in the wrong hands, over bred and after being abused.

So who do you "ban" the dog or the owner or maybe even a little of both? I think if they make it harder to get the dogs, it would help a bit but just like illegal drugs, people will find a way and I think that the dogs might even be treated worse, making them meaner. *shutter*

I thought talking it out would help me be on one side of the fence or the other. I am still clearly on the fence about this. I don't think there is a clear right or wrong answer on this issue because I see how these breeds can be (not just pits but all the "dangerous" dogs). However, how do you control the "bad" ones.... the owners and the mean dogs they created? I just don't think banning is the right answer.....

What do you think? What do you think of the list of dangerous dogs?

The Alchemy of Loss

2008-12-22T01:00:00.000-06:00

This is my second book review for TLC Books. I hope that I can continue to review books.

I was asked to read The Alchemy of Loss by Abigail Carter. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this or how I would feel or relate to a widow. I choose to not have a spouse any longer. She did not.

From the minute I picked up the book until it was done, I was hooked. Obviously I am reading a book about a widow, a widow of 9/11. I knew how the big story went. I knew that when she got the first phone call from him saying where he was, that it wasn't going to be a happy story; however, I was not expecting to be sucked in the way I was.

As she watched the news, as she waited for news, anything, I was waiting and hoping too. I felt silly because I knew it wasn't going to end with him coming home but she wrote it so well that I was waiting for him with her. I kept thinking was it because I had felt strong emotions over the event as well and so I knew how I felt not even having lost anyone or was it her writing. I am chalking it up to both because the rest of the book was written in much the same way and I was spellbound as I read it.

I also saw how I could relate to a widow in the pages. She was grieving and my own grieving a failed marriage is many of the same steps and emotions. There are many differences of course because I made a choice and I still see my ex.

I definitely would recommend this book to any reader. We can all relate in different ways to Abigail and her journey. I wish her luck.

So check it out!

Just very random stuff

2008-12-21T11:39:00.002-06:00

I have a lot on my mind so I haven't been doing great (again) at blogging. I keep wondering if I should give this up. I found myself a long time ago but at the same time there are always new things I find challenging with my role as a single mom. *sigh* I hope I can keep this going because honestly I do love it.

Anyway.... All my Christmas shopping is finally done! I got a later start than I wanted but today I bought the last of it. We have a tradition that "Santa" leaves Candy Canes on the tree. I had to buy the candy canes and I thought for sure that would be pretty easy. Not! My kids have been spoiled by the different flavored ones, not peppermint. They don't even eat those! So I have to buy the different flavors. I did find some but not the requested ones. Oh well. They are good enough.

Speaking of traditions, another one we do is on Christmas eve I give them pajamas. When K and H were little, I used to match them. But now it is just whatever looks good at the store. They each got two this year because they all need PJs. Plus I couldn't decide! I love PJs. Wish we could wear that to work.

Then tomorrow I do another book review. I am excited about this book. I love it. I think most of the people that read my blog would love it! No hints or giving it away but just check back tomorrow for the review. I need to find my notes that I wrote.... Hmmm....

The kids all went with their dad and stepmom to her mom's house in Austin. At first K wasn't going to go but about an hour before they got her, she changed her mind. We have all been sick this week so I was also worried they wouldn't go. I hate to be like ungrateful but I needed a break really bad. I love them to pieces! Can't live without them but I just need a break.... or really what I need is more help with them and from them but that is a whole other blog post.

Oh and look in my sidebar! I have a new widget.... It is my baby brother's band!!! He is the singer. I got goosebumps when I heard him. Not that I think they are superstars but I think they have a really great sound and with some more practice and the right breaks, they could good go far.

My other brother is in Iraq. I have emailed his wife... well just once. She is sad. I don't often like to wish away time, but I hope for her and him that the time seems to fly. I have been crying again too. Mostly when I think of him or something reminds me of him. Even when I think of her, I get choked up.

In other news, have you seen the commerical with the little boy that is yelling at his dad for eating the last cookie? "He's gonna leave! He's gonna leave!" (see video below)..... Cracks me up EVERYTIME! I love it. Not sure why but a few others loved it enough to put it on YouTube.

Soooo anyway, I wish you all a Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate). I will more than likely post more this week! I will actually not have to fight for the Computer!

Lions and Tigers and ..... Okapi... Oh my!

2008-12-18T01:00:00.002-06:00

From the zoo this past weekend.... I wish I could take credit for the first two pics, I can't. Those were K. She loves taking pics but especially of animals.

Good or bad mom?? I am not sure

2008-12-17T01:00:00.001-06:00

This weekend I went to the zoo with my kids, my aunt and her two grandchildren. It was a great day! Cool but not cold, just warm enough and not tooo sunny either. Just perfect.

The kids range in age from 14 to 2 yrs old. They all enjoyed it!!

So to back up a step or two, my daughter has never been very maternal, even for a child her age (now 14). I am not expecting her to be like all "Ooohhh babies!" and know what to do. However, I remember babysitting at age 11 and really knowing what to do most of the times... I mean as moms (and dads) we don't always know what is wrong for our kids.

Anyway, you know what I mean, some people just have a natural maternal/nurturing instinct.

Back to the day at the zoo. K was trying to keep up with her little cousin S. S is a typical 2 year old, busy and as a lot of new things to see and do. Now K, she likes little kids but like I said, no maternal instinct, very clumsy and looks to me like what the heck do I do? It was cute.

I mentioned to my Aunt my observation. She agreed but then said everyone used to say she would be a great mom and then she wasn't (or didn't feel like she was.... My cousin was a bit of a troublemaker. I love him but.... he got in some trouble. He is a great man now).

I said, I understand because I feel the same about me.... Not sure I am a good mom. I don't feel like I am. I get a lot of negative feedback. I have an ongoing self-esteem issue left by their dad. Many people comment how many boys are so loud or have to be kept very busy or they get bored, etc. I second guess myself all the time. I don't feel like I do enough or it isn't good enough and I am not as involved or they aren't.

I want someone, just one person, to reassure me. Someone that knows me, knows my kids, knows deep down, maybe, they are good kids. I mean really they aren't bad. There are some things I could do better but I am on my own against 3 so I pick my battles and it seems to work okay for us, and really isn't that what matters.... I just wish I could be so confident in my life and choices as I am writing this.

Me and my brother

2008-12-10T01:00:00.000-06:00

This is a picture me and my brother (I actually have two). He is 2 yrs younger than me and we used to be close. Now, not as much.

Anyway, he is in the Army and is deploying this week for the second time to Iraq.

I am so proud of him but at the same time, I am scared for him, for us.

He has three children and a new wife. He has just come back into our life's in the past few years and now will be gone for another year. I am not sure exactly when he is leaving, he could be gone now. I just know it is this week. His oldest and only son's bday is on Thursday.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. He said if we do pull out of Iraq this year, he will be there longer than a year.

Thanks.

The bumps in the road....

2008-12-09T01:00:00.001-06:00

I am often surprised that years after the divorce, years after being well over and ready for the divorce.... I still hit bumps in the road.

So today is would be my 15th wedding anniversary, instead, it is just another day. Small bump but not huge. I am definitely much happier post-divorce and away from him. That was a very bad relationship and I knew it for a long time. It was long over due but.... I see couples at the store, at the park, at restaurants, with their children or just each other, and it is another small bump.

Then because I am insane or nosy or both.... but the stepmom and I are "friends" on Myspace. Well she posted new pictures of them.... Christmas pictures of them. Happy, smiling couple. This is a big bump for me. Something I always wanted to do but only once did we take pictures together. One time. There they sit in their perfect house, fire, Christmas tree, stockings hanging on the mantle. Their dogs sitting with them.

Turns the stomach I tell you.

*sigh*

And I am not saying I really want that, for sure not life with him. I really do love my life and I am happy with my choices. It is just some little bumps of life after divorce... nothing more.

In a blink of an eye....

2008-12-07T09:08:00.003-06:00

If you have read my blog for a while, you know I have three children. K is 14 and a 9th grader and my only girl. H is 12 (nearly 13) a 7th grader..... and L is my surprise blessing, is age 6 and in 1st grade.

People tell you to enjoy them while they are young and I never understood that or the idea that "Time Flies" or "They grow up too fast." until I had kids. When I had my children, my life seemed to have sped up. Each year it goes faster. Especially with L. He is so much younger than the others that all his life he has done things faster than them. Rolled over, sat up, crawled, walked.... ran! All of it faster to try to keep up with his sister and brother.

I have tried to keep him little in other ways. I have spoiled him and not stuck to the same way of doing things as I did with K and H. I know I shouldn't and yet I keep doing it. I was an older mom and with the other two being 8 and 6 when he was born, I knew all too well how fast time flies. I felt like I enjoyed them but I realized I made them grow up too fast.... but I can't hold any of them back and I realize that....

However, yesterday showed me just how grown up he is getting and I really realized I can't stop it.

He was asked by a neighbor/friend to go help them pick out a Christmas tree and then go to lunch. My heart was screaming, "NO! He is not old enough for that." But my brain couldn't come up with one good reason why he couldn't. I know the mom and he and the boy are friends. Sooo I said yes. Then I gasped. What had I just said?? My baby could go with someone else! OMG! What was I doing? But I said yes.

As they left, I let out a sigh and my older two were like, "Wow he is growing up."

And so he is..... so they all are....

Finally House pics!

2008-12-05T10:35:00.004-06:00

The remodel has been complete for a few weeks now but I have been lazy in taking pictures. Today I finally slowed down long enough to do it!!!!

So this first one is from the doorway looking into my room! Isn't it big? It is hard to see the color on the walls but it is gorgeous! You can kinda get an idea on the left side of the picture.

This one (below) is of course my bed. Don't you just love the lights and curtains! Thanks to Goofball for putting them up for me. Isn't he sweet!?

Below is a picture of the view from my bed.... well one of them. This is the back of the closet! I would like to move the tv/dresser here but my cable isn't there right now. Darn!

The other view from my bed, towards the door.

This is looking into my bathroom.

My closet!

Bathroom sink. I am a bit sad that I couldn't get better pictures of the colors but hopefully you can tell.

So that is my new room/bathroom. It is great! OMG! I can actually come home and hide a little bit. Just relax which I haven't been able to do for a long, long time!

Holidays Post-Divorce

2008-12-02T21:09:00.002-06:00

I was reading a new to me blog. She posted about the holidays and how this year would be here second since her divorce and she will have her daughter instead of last year when she didn't. Then on a message board I belong to, they have been talking a lot about custody and holiday schedules.

And yeah I complain that my ex doesn't have the kids regularly but that just means I get the kids for most of the holidays! Not to mention that we worked it out so that we each get them for the Christmas time. Last year they picked up the kids late afternoon on Christmas Day. This year they will get them until Christmas eve.

It isn't perfect but it works for us. This will actually be the 3rd Christmas that we have been apart.... or is it the 4th? I really don't know and I really don't care!

But I know many people will be going through this for the first time or even the second time and it is one of those hurtful moments when being divorced. I wish for them peace in this situation. That they can find some comfort and just try to enjoy the moments they do have.

A scared child and one that sleep walks = Long nights!

2008-12-01T22:34:00.004-06:00

Soooo L has always been scared to sleep in his room. At first I gave in a lot because one he was cute (just 3 yrs old) and two I wasn't sharing my bed with anyone else. Okay so really I guess it started long before that even but I really gave in when his dad and I separated in 2005.

Anyway so it has been an uphill battle to get him to sleep in his bed for the past 1-2 yrs.

Well tonight was one of those battle nights. And as I listed for the billionth time that our house is safe (doors and windows locked, big brother in the room, big scary doggie... etc).... I took him by the hand and started to walk him to his room.

When I turned the corner and was eye to eye with a person. "HOLY CRAP!!!"

It was just his very sleepy, disoriented brother who has a very bad sleep walking habit and has since he was old enough to walk. Scared the crap out of me! I sent him back to bed.

And here I was trying to tell the little one how safe our house is only to squeal like I saw a mouse or something.

Crazy stuff.

I got his sister to sleep on one couch and him to sleep on another. No, no not some torture for her. She has actually said she prefers to sleep there. It is I who forces her to sleep in bed.

So everyone is finally tucked in. I just hope they all stay put!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T09:33:00.002-06:00

So I got this from a friend....

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

I thought it was really cute!

To update, I feel a tad better and I can't wait to go to my parents' house later. We are having a fairly decent sized crowd coming today! Originally it was only going to be my parents, me, my three, my two nieces and nephew and then my bro and his wife (maybe her two kids). Yeah that seems pretty big, huh? But now it is all those people plus my Aunt A, my Uncle J, my grandmother, my Aunt M and my cousin A and her husband C. Now that is more like it. Though we are still missing many people in my family.... I am thankfully so see so many. My Aunt D, Uncle E and my other grandmother (Dad's side of family) are planning to stop by later in the day to visit, but not have lunch.

And I will leave you with this.... For the record I am agnostic but I believe in a higher power of sorts and having a positive attitude is never a bad thing ....

"Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses;
Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes;
Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears;
Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean;
Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself."

Happy Thanksgiving all!

The one in which I whine a lot or one sick puppy

2008-11-26T17:49:00.003-06:00

Soooo I just got back from the doctor. 3rd urinary tract infection in like 2 mths. Ack! But if that isn't bad enough.... sinus infection. Awesome!

This is miserable. Fever. Aches. Pain. Whine, whine, whine.

My brother is coming tomorrow for lunch. He will be going to Iraq again soon and I want to see him so I have to feel better or at least well enough to see him tomorrow.

But despite all that.... I am pretty thankful for well everything.... My kids. Goofball. My family. My house. My job.... etc....

So even if things seem miserable and you feel like crap! There is a lot to be thankful for.

The one in which I forget to name it....

2008-11-19T20:52:00.003-06:00

Gotta this from A Single Mom's Life. Love her blog!

7 things I plan to do before I die

1. Go to Europe!
2. Go on a cruise to Alaska
3. Go to Africa!
4. Get my MBA
5. Write (and actually finish) a book
6. Landscape my backyard!
7. Australia! Need I say more? (lots of travel)

7 things I do now

1. Work
2. Clean
3. Raise kiddos
4. Kiss a sexy guy! (whenever I get a chance)
5. Drive kids around.
6. Sleep
7. Hmmm, work?

7 things I can’t do

1. Keep my house clean! :)
2. Keep up with my children.
3. Spend enough time with a sexy man. (a specific one-BTW)
4. Find enough time to do things for myself
5. Keep my house clean!
6. Get organized.
7. Save for a rainy day.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex

1. Gotta make me laugh (even if it isn't completely outward laughing)
2. Great eyes.
3. Someone that is respectful, treats me great.
4. Great hands.
5. Is in to me!
6. Loves kids!
7. Loves animals, especially doggies.

7 things I say most often

1. Awesome.
2. Whatever.
3. Don't hit your brother. Don't yell out your brother. (etc)
4. "Feed the dog." "Would someone feed the dog!?"
5. I don't know, what do you want to do?
6. Down! Off! Stop! Leave it! (to the dog)
7. When I have enough time, I'll.....

7 celebrities I admire (This one is hard for me... I don't really admire many celebs)

1. Queen Latifah
2. Ellen Degeneres
3. Will Smith
4. Kevin James (he is sooo damn funny!)
5.
6.
7.

Keeping kids out of the middle

2008-11-17T01:00:00.007-06:00

I was asked by TLC Book tours to read and review, Keeping Kids out of the Middle by Benjamin Garber, Ph.d.

This is my first so I hope I do a good job! I haven't talked much about it on this blog but I am a big time reader. I used to have more time for reading. I could always be found with a book. I typically used to read a book a day, sometimes two a day, depending on what was going on in my life at the time (more free time, more reading time!) I have books all over the house so I feel like I am well prepared for this review! :)

What is this book about?

The book is about being child-centered, not pulling our children into grown up fights and putting them in the middle of our issues. We are the adults, they are the children.

Who is this book for?

This book is for all parents (and that includes step parents)! While it is geared more towards parents that are separated or divorcing, it has a lot of great tips for all parents. Every one with kids or a big part of a child's life should read it.

What I thought:

This book was about two to three years too late for my divorce and much of the information is not completely relevant to me anymore (such as the parts about how to set up the custody agreement.) However, that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it or that I didn't get anything out of it. I realized that many of the things that I thought I was doing was right were actually wrong! Wow, eye openers all through the book. I do wish this would have been around 3-4 years ago so I could avoid those mistakes.

Anyway, throughout the book, Dr. Garber gives examples of what to say to the kids when they have questions. He uses a grading scale of A - F, just like from school days. He would give different scenarios and then gives you various responses, saying things like if you say this, then you get an F, say this and you get a B, etc. He also had some interactive sections with quizzes. Always a plus with self-help style books (and yes I have read my fair share of them!)

As I read through, I highlighted lots of things! Many of it were mistakes I felt I made or things I had done right! Some of it was statements that left questions in my mind. Like how to explain to the kids about why the divorce happened (is happening). In the book, on page 110, he writes about the various responses to give for why did you get a divorce. Here is what the A answer was: The A answer? "What do you think?" opening the door to "We stopped loving each other," followed up with reassurance: "But your daddy will always love you, and I will always love you, no matter what."

I have a bit of a problem with this answer. This is exactly what I did with my kids but they immediately asked me "But if you can stop loving daddy, that means you can stop loving me." They believe that love ends. I have tried to explain that it is a different kind of love. Parent to child but they don't seem to buy it completely.

Then when they fight with their each other, they have asked if they can get a "divorce" or why can I divorce their dad and they can't divorce their sibling. I have explained that too but not sure if it fell on deaf ears or not. If you know me, you know that I complain a lot about the fighting between my kiddos and it is getting worse. So Dr. Garber, what do I say them?

There was also a section about when the child wants to go live with the other parent and how to handle it. If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know I have dealt with this. According to Dr. Garber, we did the right thing. Since I am the POD (parent on duty), I was the initial contact to this news. It caught me off guard so I basically tabled it until I could discuss with her dad. Then we agreed together that she was doing it for the wrong reasons. On pages 121 and 122, there is a highlighted section that talks about "Can some children choose." Dr. Garber gives 5 "if this, then yes" type of statements. We were spot on with our reasons for not letting her go. I think that if she were to make this choice now, it would be for the right reasons. We shall see what the future holds.

I guess the other thing that caught me off with the book but not because it was bad or wrong but because it was a hard thing to hear. There are rarely any true single parents. Basically it said if you have any support, you are not a single parent. He says if you are a single parent (no support) find it, even online. So for me, I have my parents, aunts and uncles, two grandmothers, friends and co-workers, as well as online friends. And while these people don't really help me with the care of the kids (my parents do some), they help me because I can vent and get advice from them. But really the parenting is all mine to do. I work, I come home to feed them, I do all the running around.... All of it. So I just don't know what to think about Dr. Garber's statement but I don't think I disagree.

Overall, I really liked his writing style. I really thought it was a well written and thought out book. It flowed well (and that is very important to me in a book!) While I didn't think much of it was useful for me, I still did find things that I can use and things I can change.

I do recommend this book to anyone who is conflicted in a marriage, going through separation or starting the divorce process. Even if you are happily married, I do think there are a lot of things in the book that you can use.

So check it out!

Howdy peeps!

2008-11-16T13:27:00.002-06:00

Things are slowly getting back to normal in my neck of the woods. I have time to sit and think. Hurray!

The house is near done. Waiting on my custom shower door and my mirror. I have started moving all my stuff in. I should say I am nearly done moving stuff in. Thankfully Friday is my day off so I plan to work on it a lot. Also my mom and I are going to find some lights.... I have a plan in mind for what I am looking for so crossing fingers I find it! Then once I get it all set up, I will definitely take pics for y'all to see.

Tomorrow I will have posted a book review. My first! I was approached to review this book and I am really excited about it. I'm not going to say much about it.... but hope that you will come back tomorrow to check it out!

Sooo that is right now an update from Single Mom....

Mommy needs a time-out!

2008-11-02T09:51:00.006-06:00

I am such an introvert that when things in my world are in chaos, I get depressed and can't seem to recharge. Right now my house is just a mess, making my whole life feel like chaos.... but the good news is we are about a week from it being finished! (Hurray!!! and pics soon)

I sooo CAN.NOT.WAIT!!!

I hate not having a place that I can go "hide"... My boys are very loud people. Most boys I have been around are loud and noisy and busy and it wears me out! But right now I can't get away from them for a "time-out" or anything. So I am just stuck in the loud, noise and business. Oh and don't get me wrong, I love the noise and enjoy it being here because if it was gone, I would so not be myself but I really need that downtime to recharge and refresh myself.

I feel like I am on the edge of just collapsing or crying or both. I'm exhausted all the time, edgy and I feel like I can't relax.

But very soon, very, very, VERY soon! I will be able to hide a little. I will be able to lock my door, climb in bed and just relax.

You have probably noticed I have been quieter, not commenting much on your blog (or yours or yours or yours).... I am truly sorry. I just do not have words right now. It has taken me days to just get this short little post put together.

Anyway, soon I hope to be back to normal and back to writing and commenting.

Doggie, doggie

2008-10-26T11:18:00.005-05:00

For Mrs. Really Long Name! (LOL... Love it).... I am posting new doggie pics. Overall, I still say best dog I have ever had but he really needs his yard back.

He is getting very frustrated being tied up and everyone but L has gotten caught in the rope at least once! (Even Goofball.... Sorry!) He has broken the rope several times and I bought one of these. He bent it sideways within a week and straightened the hook thingy that the lead clips to within 2 wks. Awesome. Thankfully he didn't realize it and we were able to come up with another solution but OMG! I want my fence back. Now that the roads are pretty much cleared of debris, we can walk him again but the first couple of minutes is me letting him know I am in control (NO PULLING, dude!) He is a very, very strong dog. But I used to run with huskies.... One was 80 lbs so I think I got this one who is maybe 60 lbs.

A lot of people are scared of him but I guess if you didn't know him, I could see why but he is really sweet. He is a good guard dog so far. With all the construction people around, he has had chances to let them know, "I don't know you."

We are still working with him on some "manners" and learning that L is not his litter mate, the cats are not toys and please do not bite the broom when I am sweeping.

Well anyway, without further ado.... Cowboy at 9 mths old (these were Sept)

Isn't he cute!?!?!? My big baby!

Exhaustion!

2008-10-25T11:00:00.000-05:00

Okay so it is our busy time at work so I am coming home just flat out tired each day. Then it is my second (or really first job).... being mom!

Sooo I haven't had the energy to even think of anything to blog about nor go to many of my favorites to comment... but I am trying to get there.

I will just do a quick 5 things for you!

1. Remodel update: We finally passed the inspection! and they did the insulation today! Drywall on Monday and the contractor is going to drop off samples for me to pick tiles and my counter tops. I also need to pick the paint color! We are close!

2. H had a cyst removed today. Yikes! that was gross. He is doing okay.

3. K is going to the Homecoming Dance tonight. When did she get so grown?

4. L has a cut on his finger that got infected. Gross. I didn't even know he had a cut on his finger. I normally clean them, put anti-bacterial stuff on and bandage. Nope, he shows me once it is all gross and infected.

5. It is like what 6 wks since Ike came through and we still don't have a fence. Many, many, many people do not. Again, still lucky because some people don't have a home anymore or their house is just a wreck.... but given the limited amount of damage we had, I thought the fence would be back up by now. I threatened the dog today "If you get out one more time, I am not coming after you." Okay, don't tell him but I will....today we were lucky because there were other dogs out in their own yard so he got really distracted with smelling butts. I then took him the long way home. He is now sleeping in his kennel.

The death of Customer Service

2008-10-20T19:55:00.004-05:00

Who killed customer service? Where did the good customer service go?

I have thought about this post for quite some time but haven't written it until today.

Today I had two bad, very bad experiences with customer service.

The first. We have an outsourced company that does our benefits at work. I called as a HR representative on behalf of another employee. I just had a question nothing major and I forgot I had made the call!

Today they called me with a satisfaction survey. It did not go well from the minute I answered the phone. I know I won't be able to get her tone across in this but trust me she was not happy to be doing her job.

Her: This is "Sally" calling from the benefits company to ask you about the call you made last Thursday.

Me: Call?

Her: Yes the call you made last week to us.

Me: Hmm...

Her: YOU called on behalf of an employee. Do you remember THIS CALL?

Me: Oh yes. Sorry. I remember now.

(she kept interrupting me so I never got to ask a question or complete a sentence)

Her: I need to ask you a few questions about you satisfaction with that call do you have a minute.

Me: Yes.

Her: On a scale of 1 - 5, 1 being very dissatisfied and 5 being very satisfied, how would you rate the representative's effectiveness to answer your question?

Me: I guess average so 3.

Her (mean, frustrated tone): ON A SCALE of 1 -5..... (repeat above)

Me: I'm sorry I said 3, average service.

Her: (repeating the scale again)

Me: Hey if you are going to be rude I am not going to answer your questions.

Her: (even more rude and like she is just about to lose it): I am not being rude, if you would just....

*click*

That's enough of that. I just do not have time for this right now. I barely had a minute to talk to her in the first place but if she was just going to get angry when I tried to answer the questions!

Okay fast forward to tonight. I called one of the credit card companies. I have a payment plan with them that I pay a set amount each month. I can call in advance and change it if needed but I always pay. Always.

So here is how that went.

Me: Yes I would like to change my payment date to Nov 7th.

Her: Okay let's see. We can do Nov 5th. How is that?

Me: Well I don't get paid until Nov 7th is there anything you can do to change it to that date?

Her: No it would be a new billing cycle so just make sure you have money in your account. Then you can just pay back whomever you get the money from.

Me: (stunned) Okay well I guess Nov 5 will be fine. I'll figure something out.

Her: Yes so just make sure you get the funds in there or it will end your agreement and you will have to set up a new one.

Me: Oh so can I just cancel this one and start a new one then?

Her: Yes but just make sure the money is in there on Nov 5th.

Me: I don't have a way to get money by then.

Her: Okay well just make sure it is there. Is there anything else I can do?

Me: Nope thank you. I will make sure the money is in the account. I guess I can sell a kid.

*click*

And yes I really did say that!

Okay so maybe in that last call I was a little bitchy but OMG! I will have to call back tomorrow to make sure it all got changed. I do get my child support by the 5th so it is fine.

My head is still spinning though from the first call. Seriously I was just stunned by this call. I seriously wanted to ask her when I would get the call about how satisfied I was with her call.... It would not have been good!

Do you have any stories to share?

Remodel hell

2008-10-15T19:36:00.003-05:00

Okay not really hell but I didn't know what to call this post....

We have been remodeling the house since Mid-July.... and yes when I was truly in hell, I was having men in and out of my house. Joy and fun, joy and fun!

Well we are getting there but still a few weeks away from completion.

I am going CRAZY! I want my house back. I want my room back! I mean it is worth it, or hmm, it will be worth it. I will have a lot more privacy.

But OMG!

Next month I have to go to California for work, the ex is coming to stay in my house to watch the kids. (Yes he is the father but I feel like he is a babysitter.... Bad? Probably!) Anyway, I want my house done and back in order before that! How can I have my ex-husband who thought I was a bad wife and mother, and least we forget horrible at cleaning, in my house when it has been a wreck for several months.

It is gross. It is so gross. It is cluttered. It is a flat out mess!

I asked the contractor would it be done by November and he seems confident it will be. I wish I felt as confident....

Send good thoughts my way!

Chaos is as chaos does

2008-10-14T21:11:00.002-05:00

I have been quiet for several days without meaning to be. Life has just been busy. Kids, work and remodel have me feeling exhausted (but happy). And well actually while I am happy about the remodel, it is taking far too long and I am ready to have my house back.

At any rate, I have very little say right at this moment. I am working on some ideas but just trying to tweak them.

So in the meantime, just remember, it is still Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Have you done your self-exam yet?

Product Review: Tiny Prints

2008-10-10T01:00:00.002-05:00

This is something new for me and I wanted to get it in before people order all their Holiday cards!

I have never done a product review before and I am happy to say that my first is for Tiny Prints. People Magazine has done a review so I am thinking I am right up there with People mag! Awesome!

They approached me before Hurricane Ike but it took me a while to get to it plus the samples were delayed because of the storm.

However, I have to say, their product sample that I received was very good. I was impressed. The paper they used was what I first noticed. Great, thick card stock.

The picture quality was the next thing I noticed. Very, very good!

The different styles were very eye catching and modern. Love the colors used in most all of the designs.

I played around on their website too. Very easy to move around and find stuff. Lots and lots of great products, not just Holiday cards but birth announcements, invitations and personal stationary.

The prices vary. I saw some from $.99 on up. Right now they are offering a special on shipping if you spend $99.00.

So check them out!! You will be happy you did.

Of Christmases Past…. And gift giving…

2008-10-09T01:00:00.001-05:00

So this would be our 3rd Christmas since we started dating. First year too soon for gifts, but we did give cards. Perfect. Second year bowling bag for him, wireless router for me. Stories behind these? Yes. Practical gifts? Yes probably.

Now we are staring down the barrel of another holiday/gift giving season and what do you give someone who really needs very little, that you don’t live with but have known for going on 3 yr?? Oh and are super crazy about!

I know I’m clueless too.

He and I recently discussed this. He brought it up saying he was going to write about it and it was funny because I have been thinking about writing about this very topic.

We talked briefly about gift giving and our exes. Mine was not very good at this but not because I had high standards. I love kitchen items but honestly folks they make shredded cheese for people just like me (read: LAZY!)…. What do I want with an electric cheese grater? No not a food processor because that would make too much sense…. A gadget that you have to hold a button on each side of, push at the same time and then a blade moves up and down while you hold the cheese with your other hand. Awesome.

My list has almost always been the same basic list….. Candles, bath stuff (go to Bath and Body works and buy just about anything, I’m happy), pajamas and books (I read just about anything!)….. That’s it! I always told him the same things each year because he had “themed” gift giving. “Oh look a workout video…. Oh and another one…. Oh and workout clothes…. Wait, hmmm what are you saying? Oh I get it.” Then the Christmas everything was apple stuff for the kitchen. Yes I liked apples and thought they were cute in the kitchen, and yes I bought a few items but that was all I wanted…. If I was at the store and said, “Oh that is cute.” I didn’t mean “oh that is cute please buy me every piece possible.”

But I digress.

You will notice though that jewelry is not on my list. I am not a super big jewelry girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love jewelry and I think it is fun to get it but at the same time, it kinda makes me panic and I have a hard time breathing if I receive it. Why? Baggage. My ex went through a spell when he gave me a lot of jewelry. It was in 1998 which I identify as the turning point in my marriage. The point when I knew this was not the person I was going to grow old with. He bought me a $3,000 ring. Why? I don’t know… I called it the guilt ring. At first I wore it because I really did want my marriage to work but at some point I took it off, put it back in the box and gave it back. He didn’t take it so in a box it sat most of the time. Sometimes I would take it out and look it. Usually I would shake my head and put it back.

I’m a simply gal. A simple ring, a simple necklace, earrings, bracelet… these are the things I like but simple or even unique is the key. I don’t even know what the difference is in jewelry from this store or that. I hear all the commercials for this big chain or that one but truly have no idea the quality difference or even if there is one. And what do I need with fancy jewelry anyway? I go no where fancy and have no clothing to match it!

Sadly I typically by jewelry at Claire’s, Icing, Charming Charlie’s or even Target. Places like this.

Does this make it hard to buy me gifts? Gosh I hope not! I am really not picky and would be happy with anything that I thought the giver had put thought into, especially if it is something like a wireless router. That was probably one of the coolest gifts I have been given…. Why?? Because it was very thoughtful and given for a great reason. I use it everyday! What could be better?!

As to what I might want this year….. hell I don’t know!? I need almost nothing. Like I said I am simple and practical. I have been on my own too long, I just buy the things I want and need. Like I told the kids I want something to put my make up in but then I said but I’ll probably buy that. Then I want a new bird feeder but this time I want to actually hang it or attach it to the tree or fence some how. But I will probably end up doing that too. Or a wind chime for outside my new window or a new teddy bear…. My kids keep stealing all mine! Or a new spatula…. Yes seriously!

But this doesn’t solve my problem…. What do I give this amazing man?! :)

Crazy week and it is only Tuesday!

2008-10-07T19:19:00.002-05:00

I have not seemed to sit my butt down to blog lately. I have a ton to write about but I just can't slow my brain to focus.

And then Monday was just plain weird.... I have been getting busier with work and it is exhausting but fun so no I am not complaining but just sayin'.....

So then I get home and I can't deal with dinner so Papa John's to the rescue. Get dinner eaten and cleaned up but before I can get to dishes I start to smell something.

Like a burned rubber or plastic smell. GROSS! It was horrible and was stronger in my kitchen/laundry room area but I just couldn't find it.

One of my biggest fears is a house fire.

So I checked the stove, dryer, water heater, frig.... everything I could think of. Called the folks for their opinion. They had no idea either. Crap.

About five minutes later, pow..... No power. Damn!

I knew exactly the problem. Breaker box (or circuit box or whatever you call it). Called the folks and they came to the rescue. Dad said, "Yep breaker box. Why don't y'all pack and come say with us?" Alrighty then.... Packed by flashlight and just hoped we got everything we would need.

Couldn't take the pets so of course I worried all night.

Had to be home early enough in the morning to take care of Cowboy and kitties. Also to get everyone on the bus.... K at 6:30 (yikes), I have to leave by 7, H takes L to the bus stop at 7:15 and H catches his bus at 7:40. Soooo that was interesting this morning.

Anywho, called the contractor this morning, "Hey breaker box is fried, what's the plan?"

It is fixed now.... Awesome.

Today was another busy day at work and I am wiped but I am smiling so at the end of the day that is all that matters, right?

Work will only get busier but finally coming to a screeching halt for the holidays and by holidays I mean after Thanksgiving, not before. Fun, fun!

Random Mom Stuff

2008-10-04T01:00:00.002-05:00

I will admit I am a nerd for commercials and really any marketing. I should so write a marketing blog (analyze commercials or something). When I go back to school, I am leaning heavily towards marketing.

So anyway, I have been seeing a commercial for a pre-packaged/cooked meat. This woman (mom) is describing her day. Her tone and body language suggest that she is tired and stressed by her day. Here is how it goes (sort of, I don’t remember each line):
* Wake up call 6:00 AM
* Kids up and off to school
* Then her 9-5 job
* “And then home to dinner that is waiting for me (pause for dramatic effect… long enough?) for me to cook it.”

Oh yes, this is soooo my day! I am exhausted by my day, my life most of the time. And, despite the fact that I love my job, I’m exhausted most evenings. I have a fairly flexible work schedule with every other Friday off. I truly enjoy what I do, though most of the time it is a high stress, fast-paced job. It is what I love to do! (Okay aside from my interest in marketing…. I would soooo be all over that!)

Then I go home to be the mom. Again I love my kids and I love being mom but….

I saw this Lifetime movie once, Fifteen and Pregnant, Park Overall’s character says “Babies take more than they give.”

Ahem, sista! This doesn’t just stop with babies either. And while the balance does start to shift slightly closer to being even the older they get, it is still way off balance….

Like, for example, K will make me a hot cup of tea sometimes. But I also run her little social butterfly self everywhere. To school for this or that activity. To church (sometimes). To a friend’s house. To a party. Whatever it is.

H helps me by taking the garbage out and carrying the laundry for me.

And L is just… well comic relief at this point.

They all help with feeding the dog and cats (but there is a lot of whining). They have chores (again much whining).

But what do I do? All the “grown-up” responsibility stuff (bills, laundry, scrub the toilet) and hey let’s not forget who “grew” them for 9 mths. (Okay maybe that doesn’t count…. )

But I do have to admit the thing I like about having older kids is that I can have actual conversations with them. In the store the other day, K and I were discussing the election (she will be old enough to vote in the next Presidential election…. How scary and exciting is that!) She was saying, “People shouldn’t just vote for a person because they are a woman or African American or whatever. They should be listening to what they have to say and doing research on them.” And yes folks she has an opinion on who she would vote for this year and she has done the research and is still doing that research, watching, listening and discussing.

I also encourage my kids to question things like beliefs and politics and whatnot. I have heard so many people praise their children for believing exactly what the parents believe…. Not because the child came to that opinion on their own but because the parents believe that. I mean that is okay for them and I am not really criticizing but I am saying for me, I want them to challenge my beliefs on things. I don’t go to church but K does and H had on occasion. I have my own set of beliefs that don’t match any church I have been to. But that isn’t the point, it took me years of research and going to church after church to come to this conclusion for myself. I talk very freely with them about religion and don’t try to sway them one way or the other. If they have a question about something, I have an answer or get them one. Politics the same. I have no intention of saying they have to believe the same as me. If they do, I want to know why. If they can say anything other than “Because you do.” Then awesome. I feel I then did my job.

Again, not downing others…. It works for you. I give my kids soda and you probably don’t believe in that. Everyone is different and I love that. Oh and for the record I am not trying to raise people that listen to just one resource or believe everything the media says. I have taught them to get as many points of views as possible. They have seen first hand how the media will overplay something for ratings or edit something to look worse than it is.

Back on point, I enjoy my kids and enjoy the people they are turning into, but it is true they take more than they give. I am exhausted by my dual roles as mom and fulltime worker but it has its rewards.

So while most night’s dinner is waiting for me…. (Pause for dramatic effect) to cook it. There are some rare nights that it is waiting for me to just eat it. And those nights are the ones to cherish the most because some day the kids will be gone and I will go home and eat a bowl of cereal or oatmeal or a sandwich because there will be no one to cook for but myself (unless, hmm…. Well??….the future is a question mark after all).

People on pedestals

2008-10-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

.... are bound to fall off.

This is something I have dealt with before and this post is in general. However, I am writing it now because I recently let go of a friendship.

There is a lesson that I have learned from Goofball. Well several but one of the most valuable is "No expectations." It took me a while to figure out what that meant or how to apply that to my life. But now that I have, I see things very differently.

However, most of these people on pedestals were pre-no expectations living. They were people that I admired, looked up to and/or that gave me strength.

Only later did I realize that they were human. Only later did I realize that they had faults. Only later did they fall from those pedestals on which I put them.

It is really heartbreaking to feel this way but I let it happen. I had the expectations of hero/heroine. It wasn't them that climbed up there, they didn't ask for such glory in my life. I did it.

Sooo I have definitely learned a lesson in regards to myself and expectations for people. While it isn't wrong to look up to people or admire them, don't expect perfection or hero behavior. Expect that at times they won't live up to it and just accept that.

Or something like that! :)

Wake up to Breast Health

2008-10-02T01:00:00.001-05:00

This month Folgers is partnering with the National Breast Cancer Foundation in support of breast cancer awareness.

Look for the pink cans in stores. They are only out of a limited time!

Here is some information directly from Folgers:

This October, Folgers will partner with the National Breast Cancer Foundation to support breast cancer research and education for underserved women with its limited edition Pink Can, which will be available in grocery stores and convenience stores nationwide. In addition to the Pink Can, consumers will be able to visit folgers.com to send a “wake up call” e-card to loved ones to make them aware of breast health and the importance of early detection.

Look around the store for other great companies offering products with special pink labels and/or ribbons on them. I will be posting other great reminders and products through out the month!

But tomorrow back to "normal" Single Mom Finding herself content.

Also note to those who have commented about other forms of cancer. I completely and totally understand because I have lost loved ones to other forms of cancer.

October Mean - Breast Cancer Awareness!!!

2008-10-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hello all! It is that time of year again. Time to think about boobs and health, well honestly, you have to think about it everyday, or at least once a month.

This isn't just a problem that effects women, men can be diagnosed. So learn the facts! What are your risks?

With early detection, you have a good chance of becoming a survivor!! There are a lot of treatments.

As you may have noticed, my blog is pink. This is in honor of a very dear friend of mine who was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has been through a lot.... chemo, surgery, radiation. She has been doing great and has had some down moments (mostly in the beginning) but her spirit is one to admire and look up to.

I am dedicating this month to Breast Cancer Awareness and I have issued a challenge to all the bloggers to do something during this month. Post about Breast Cancer.... a story or an article. Something.

All cancer sucks (and tons of other diseases). I have lost a few close to me to other forms and someday I will dedicate time to those but for now I am doing this. I have always been very passionate about this.... I mean I have boobs and I like them. I like that a certain guy likes them.

Soooo bloggers, I hope you take me up on my challenge. Spread the word! :)

Trying to get back to blogging!

2008-09-29T21:02:00.002-05:00

I miss it so much but I just can't seem to get organized enough again to do it. I have 50 million ideas and 50 million things I need to post about....

But I guess first things first....

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I will be doing highlighting some stories and highlighting some companies that support Breast Cancer Awareness.

I am offering a challenge to all the bloggers out there. Post at least one day about Breast Cancer Awareness. I am sure you know someone that has been touched in some way by Breast Cancer. So.... If you plan to post, let me know.

I also have at least one product review to post and will very, very soon! I think it is a good product and I hope you like it.

Thanks for sticking with me as I get back to normal. There are many, many of my neighbors, friends, family, and just fellow Texans who are not back to normal yet. I just want to keep them in my thoughts and hope that they are able to find some sort of normal....

Second guessing myself

2008-09-23T19:11:00.004-05:00

A recent conversation with Goofball turned into me thinking and questioning myself.

I am not very word for word but basically I was saying I needed to swing by the store to pick up hot dogs, buns and Fritos.... I was making chili. I said the boys could eat hot dogs, K would have chili and I would have chili dogs. He said my meals were too complicated. Well we discussed and fine. I then mentioned that my ex used not like me to cut up/add onion and peppers or anything to spaghetti sauce. It had to be out of a can or jar.... nothing else.... Now I found out he eats it with stuff added. Goofball's reasoning "New wife".... Yes probably. He has changed a lot and that's fine. He is allowed, I guess....

But I honestly don't remember what it was that he said but it was basically that I didn't push to make them all eat the way I want them to..... as in, I want chili dogs, we are having chili dogs. Why should I do that when I can separate the ingredients and everyone is happy.

Does this make me a bad person? I mean I know my kids are picky eaters.... they are getting better but still not nearly to the point I want them at but I don't push them. I am too sensitive to eating disorders which they already have signs of (emotional eating) and I hate that.

Ya know when they were babies I did all the "right" things. I offered a variety of foods, veggies and fruits. They ate everything for the most part. H didn't eat spinach but that wasn't a big deal to me..... More for me! But this was really the only restriction.... Then suddenly around age 4, they both stopped eating like the used to. They became picky. They got to the point that they wouldn't eat at all... Just refuse. So I started just adapting my menu. So spaghetti became either with sauce or mac-n-chz. (Noodles with cheese on them). Chili dogs became choices.... but basically the same meal, just changed a bit.

L offered a new challenge for me. I made all his baby food. I didn't buy one jar of food for him. With K, I ONLY feed her baby food. I followed the book to the letter.... What can I say? I was young. With H, he was hard to get full so I started feeding him pretty much straight from the table around 6 months. But with L, I thought, "I can totally make all his food!" See my thing was I had a really hard time breastfeeding. I wanted to but I always seemed to fail. I didn't realize all the great resources that could have helped me or I would have tried anything. So when I heard how easy it really was to make baby food (easy peezy!!! I swear), I did it. I worked every Sunday making sweet potatoes, butternut squash, pears and apple sauce.... etc... It was so much fun and he ate so well! His fave was avocado and banana. Turns out avocados are a great first food, then added with banana makes a great "second stage" food. It was great. He was not picky until...... age 2..... He has been my worst one of them all. He often doesn't even eat the adapted meals I make. I can't get this kid to eat period. So I adjust.... I'm easy.

But I often feel like I am a terrible parent for not pushing this. I decided a long time ago that I would pick my battles. If this doesn't bother me, why push the issue? Like I said it is easier for me to just cook what they like rather than what they don't. And now nobody else put the four of us live here so why not. Oh and trust me it was worse with their dad here.... He was King of the Picky eaters. I figured it was my punishment for being picky as a child..... but I learned that I am not a picky eater.... Oh don't get me wrong there are things I would prefer not to eat (why waste calories) but my mom has said that I wasn't picky. She said if I didn't like say the onions in something, I would just push them to the side a little and not say a word. Then when I cleared my plate, I threw them out.

At any rate, I am always questioning my decisions, especially now.... It is almost 100% on me to make decisions for them, 100% for the day to day things, only like 80-90% on bigger things. So I question and second guess everything. But I have to just say this, I am not sorry that I have adapted my cooking and menu to fit their tastes. I picked my battles and this is not worth my time. I do feel like I put my foot down when it counts. (Like just a minute ago with the dishes)

So I guess what I am saying is that I am just doing the best I can and hoping they turn out okay. What more can I ask for?

Hurricane Ike and the Single Mom

2008-09-22T19:14:00.002-05:00

Okay this MIGHT be the last hurricane post..... I almost promise.

I have noticed that I am mildly depressed. Is it post-storm related or is it just my "normal" cycle with depression. I do not know. But I noticed I am not able to make eye contact as much as normal. I am withdrawing from people, withdrawing from my interests and just in general feeling blah.

Anyway, that is not exactly what this is about! This is about me and Hurricane Ike.

Pre-storm I was so nervous. Could I be strong enough for the children? Could I stay calm even though I was scared out of my mind at what was going to happen? I mean you just don't know what these storms will do or what they will be like. So back to my questions in my mind..... Was I prepared enough? Did I have enough supplies? Oh yes, there were more questions but I will spare you.

At any rate, I was strong enough, I was calm, I was prepared and I got us through it all. I am so proud. Now granted we were also EXTREMELY lucky!! Very little damage. Got power on rather quickly, etc.

But despite how easy it was for us, I also feel good that I was able to get us through the days I did. I calmed fears enough though I was scared too and needed the comfort. I know if this were to happen again, I could do it and I know I will be prepared. I will be more trusting of my own ability.

I do have to brag a little.... Goofball was a good support and an inspiration (via phone mostly). He still doesn't have power, so send him some "electric" vibes! I miss him terribly! It was almost 2 weeks from when I saw him last until I did get to see him again..... and I did get to see him a few days since. But right now it is ifie on when I will see him again.... Hopefully this weekend.

Anyway, that is how I learned just a little more about myself.... Everyday I find myself a little more!

Getting back to normal

2008-09-20T18:22:00.004-05:00

This is pretty much the only damage I had to my house.... and this isn't even the house. I feel lucky. I have power, Internet, hot water. I have a frig full again with food.

We are getting back to normal but many of our neighbors, friends and family are not. Goofball, for one, has no power and no good sign of it coming on... At this point it sounds like he won't have it until next Friday.

I have a co-worker/friend that was in one of the hardest hit areas (Seabrook) and she will have a long recovery time.

Then I have family that live in Galveston (we are all from there originally!). My cousin lost his year old washer and dryer. They had some other damage in their house but last time I talked to them, they hadn't been able to get in.

I still don't know for sure about going back to work or the kids back to school. Right now I am planning to be back at work on Monday but they will have an update Sunday evening. The kids are suppose to go back either Tuesday or Wednesday. I have no idea. They said update on Sunday or Monday.

So that is an update from us. Please keep everyone in your thoughts!

Soon more normal Single Mom Finding Herself content! Promise!

Sorta back, sorta not

2008-09-18T20:43:00.002-05:00

So we have power and now Internet. Whoohooo. Only I am not quite ready to be back to blogging yet. Not ready to comment. I just don't feel like I have anything productive to say or add at the moment, not with so many of my friends, family and neighbors still having issues. No power, low on supplies, no homes, loss of possessions.

But we are good. We were some of the lucky ones and I feel blessed for that.

I will check back in soon and I will visit all the blogs I love but for now, I just want to keep those in our thoughts who are still trying to get back to normal..... I hope soon.

Ike is nearly here!

2008-09-12T12:11:00.002-05:00

Yikes! I wasn't going to post because I wasn't sure I would have time. But I do so just a quick update.

We are ready!

We are waiting!

We are driving each other CRAZY!

Or maybe that is just the boys driving me crazy.

Anyway, will check in when I can. Keep us in your thoughts. It will be over soon, I hope! (maybe nearing the end this time tomorrow??)

Hurricane Ike

2008-09-11T01:00:00.001-05:00

He is on his way but where will he land!? Could it be here.... See the blue and gray line, they both come here. Yikes! I really, really hope it doesn't only because I am a bit anxious. No matter how many of these I go through, this would my first with just me and the kids. I am scared out of my mind to do this as a single mom. I have no plan at all and a million questions. I am prepared to stay put but what if I need to leave? I can't even take all my pets if I leave. How could I just leave my cats behind? How do I entertain three children if the power goes out.... alone?

Okay so I know there are people worse off than me and I hate to wish this storm on others but I really want it to stay far south of us.... or heck just disappear.

But it is coming near enough that we will have effects from it. We are suppose to get winds and rain starting Friday afternoon/evening. (Means I don't get to see Goofball on Friday, whah! but that's okay, we got children to take care of)

I got water, batteries, flashlights, snacks for if the power goes out. I got a couple of puzzles and a new game in case we have to entertain each other without power (I also have stacks of other games). I am going to make sure the cell phones are charged, MP3 players charged. The car is already full of gas. Yard is clean. I have emergency numbers that I need for work. My parents are close. My aunt and uncle are close. We have a couple of secure rooms if needed.

And, really I have done this several times before so I can do it. I have done it.

Now we wait.

I thought I would going to try to write something for each day through Saturday and have them automatically publish. But I have decided to take a temporary break instead. Just until the Hurricane passes and we get back to normal. I just can't think of anything else right now.

Please keep us all in your thoughts. I will keep checking blogs as long as we have power but I won't be writing until after.

UPDATE: It has taken a shift more East.... Towards us. Going to Freeport, Tx at this point. Freeport is where a lot of my Beach pics were taken. It is not that far.... well about an hour or so from here. Ack! I honestly don't know what to wish for because I don't want to wish it on the poor folks that got Rita, Gustav or Katrina.... They have had enough.... but who really says, "Cool, bring it on!" Okay maybe some but not most. Trying to stay calm for the kids. They are nervous enough.

Wordless Wednesday - Sometimes a daydream

2008-09-10T01:00:00.000-05:00

More guys and relationship tips.

2008-09-09T06:08:00.003-05:00

Amira at memoirs of a single mom made this list of lessons learning about guys.

I could not agree more with this list. I am not completely on board with 2, maybe I just haven't been screwed over and no that isn't an invitation to but still. and yeah I do agree with it a bit, not completely. And, that is not a slam to others who have. I just have gotten lucky!

Then numbers 3, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 13! Yes, yes, yes. Ladies, don't nag them, criticize them and don't expect mind reading. Sometimes they get lucky and do what we were thinking, but it isn't mind reading at all. Words are nice but actions are what counts.

At any rate, go over and visit her. Great list!

** Rewritten since this morning. I was half asleep and didn't have my "eyes" on yet. (read: no glasses or contacts)

Another September 9th post.

2008-09-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

If you are new, September 9th is a very special day for me. It was a huge turning point in my life. It was when my life changed direction and took off. This is the third year that I have written about this.

I still miss that life and it has been 16 yrs since I left for Boot Camp. There are so many things I still remember from those days. (giggle, giggle....)

But this year there is a twist, ya see the stepmom's birthday is today too. She knows it is "my" day too.... in a way. We actually laughed about it when I found out.

I sent her a card. The kids will probably call to wish her happy birthday.

I know some people think it is weird that I have this relationship with her but honestly it works for us and like I told my friend today (who questioned me on it), "It is better than fighting." I do it for the kids. And in another time and another place, she and I might be friends so why let a little thing like an ex-husband stand in the way.

And next year, 09-09-09!

Dating Online is okay..... if....

2008-09-08T01:00:00.000-05:00

I know a lot of people are hesitate about the online dating thing. I had several reasons why I did it. The first is that I just don't go out much. I did the "club" scene years ago and it is just isn't for me now. Even if I went this route, I don't think this is a good way to get to know someone. They are there for a hook up, not a meaningful relationship of any type. The very few that might be there for that, get caught up in the "meat market" effect of these places.

Second my only other choice was to meet people are work. Hmmm, yeah, soo not going to happen. It is almost ALWAYS a bad idea to date someone at work. Been there, done that.

I also went to school online and I have friends online. To me it just made sense that I find someone online.

So online I went. With my mind open and not to take everyone for who they put out there.

When writing your profile, think about the words you use. If you say, "I want someone who is affectionate." Guys might read it as you are easy. Instead say exactly what you mean, "I like to hold hands." Some single parents wonder is it okay to say I have kids, YES! Do not surprise someone with this fact later. Honesty is the best policy. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't like kids? Also give just enough information about yourself to get some one's attention, but not too much that they have nothing left to find out about you.

Then when you put pics of yourself up, ladies, if you put a shot of cleavage, who do you think will be looking at your profile? Guys looking for someone easy. Think about it? You may have great boobs but let that not be your opener. Do put updated pics of yourself. Do put normal pics of yourself on there. It is up to you whether these pics include your children or not, but I didn't include mine. I wasn't looking for another father for them, just a friend for me! So why should I have their pictures up there?

Then as you start to browse and receive emails, keep an open mind but also stick to your instincts. If there seemed to be a red flag in their story, I took it serious. Also Google is your friend. Find out as much about the person (or people) you are talking to. And if you can or have a friend that can do a background check, do it! I know it sounds bad but you have to protect yourself and if you are a single parent like me, you have to protect your kids. Do your homework.

Then take your time getting to know this person and when it is time to meet him (or her), meet at a public place and let other people know where you are going and what you are doing. Then call as soon as you have left. If it doesn't work, there are tons of others out there.

Another tip, try different sites. There are tons of them out there. Be on more than one at a time. Makes sense, huh? Don't get frustrated or discouraged. It does take some time to find someone worth the time. There are just so many people out there that you can find someone that will like you and you will like.

Anyway, I know online dating isn't for everyone. But it can be fun.

Dating and Relationship advice

2008-09-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

I get emails from time to time, a lot more lately, asking my advice on relationships and dating. Wow. Who would have thought that I would be giving such advice? I am no expert and I don't claim to be.

**** NOTE: This advice can go for men or women but I am writing it as if I am talking to women about men.****

And I have given out a lot of advice (only when asked for it) but not many people seem to have taken it. They ask me because what they have been doing isn't working and then ask me, and then don't take my advice.... and so the relationship doesn't seem to work. Not saying it would have worked but ya know, your way isn't working.

Seems weird to ask a Single/Divorced mom about relationships too, doesn't it? I didn't date much before getting married. Enough but just a lot of casual sex.... Yeah I admit it. Then I was married for nearly 13 yrs and I really didn't date a whole lot after. I mean I meet Goofball (yeah he needs a new name) pretty soon after we filed for divorce. I did date though.

I guess what I know about my style of dating was I was doing it for fun and to have a grown up and a male to talk to. I went out with goals and an idea of what/who I wanted. I also really understood myself, though that does change over time, I am still finding pieces here and there of myself. I knew what I would put up with and what I just wouldn't. I wasn't going to settle.

Top on my list was respect. If you do not respect me, then see ya. I am not sure I can explain what respect is like for me, but I think it is little things like not asking me to change who I am to be who you think I should be.... Okay maybe that is a big thing. But, oh, oh what about opening doors for me. It doesn't have to be all the time, sometimes I get to the door first or am in a better position to open it, no bigs, but most of the time.... Awesome. Not walking in front of me like you "own" me. Again sometimes it will happen that I will just be behind but ya know, there is a difference.

Then there is affection, like hand holding, touching, little kisses. Even just telling me I am beautiful or sexy. Awesome. Yes words can be considered affection too.

And for activities and beliefs, well those don't have to jive completely but I want someone that likes music, likes kids and animals, that can be happy sitting around playing video games as he is going for a walk or to the zoo or to play tennis or bowling.

Really that is about it. Respect though is a big one.

So when I was ready to date I decided to do online dating. I do just about everything online as it is so it made sense to me. I also made up my mind not to get frustrated by it. If I found someone, cool and if I didn't, cool. Nothing serious either, I wasn't looking for a husband.

Then as I started to email with people, I wasn't pushy and if they stopped talking to me, well fine. I wasn't going to chase someone.

But I will admit here that when I started emailing Goofball, there was a time when I didn't hear from him for about 24 hours and given the days (or the week) before, he had emailed me much more regularly. So I did end up sending him something that said, "What would you do if you were emailing with someone and they suddenly stopped?" I think there was more but I really can't remember that was the jest of it though. I know that sounds like a hypocrite but I honestly wanted a guy to answer me that question. If he wasn't into me, fine, just answer that question. Do I move on and just assume he found someone else? Was he the person that just got in a massive wreck on the interstate? I just don't know. I just had gotten the impression that this guy was the right one to ask that question too. He wrote back and the rest was history.

I also fully believe in the "He is just not that into you" theory of thinking. Don't chase a "dead" relationship. If he isn't writing you back, calling and making time for you, and only seems to come around for sex, he isn't into you. Move on! There is someone out there who will be into you! You rock. You shouldn't settle (Okay serious not talking to anyone specific).

Be yourself but don't be pushy. Do not email him 50x a day when he doesn't reply. This is being pushy.

Again, I will admit that I sometimes would email Goofball a few times in a row (still do). But I really tried to control myself and not be that girl. I have really tried hard to be the laid back, cool chic that I know I am but sometimes in a relationship I can go ape-crazy and be all needy. I have admitted to him when I have a weak moment or need some reassurance. It seems to work out because I just have my moment and he gives me what I am looking for, I move on. All happy.

I could go on and on but I will just say this one last thing. Do not ask other people to change for you. If he likes to watch football on Monday night, then just say, "Cool. I'll see you on Tuesday." Or whatever. This is who he was before you and do not expect him to change. NOW, if he likes to watch Monday night football and he wants to include you or misses it for you from time to time. Awesome but do not expect this to be the norm or that he is changing for you. He is adjusting to the relationship, he wants to spend some time with you and show you a different side of himself. It is an enjoy the moment type of situation. So enjoy it!

Have high standards but low or no expectations.
Enjoy the moments.
And bottom line love yourself and understand who you are.

Happy dating!

Nothing for Saturday.... Again!

2008-09-05T23:48:00.002-05:00

Usually I write in advance and schedule when I want them to post or magically appear! But this week with the Blog Trip, I just wasn't ready. I would write something brilliant right now but I'm sleepy! Friday night's are Goofball nights. Tonight was no different. I went out and picked him up (Yes I did. He comes out to me a lot! It is only fair! Give and take baby, give and take). We went and did a little mini-golf, some ice cream and well great sex.

Great night.

We live about 20-25 miles apart. So after the great night, I am sleepy and then had to drive home, well my brain is shut down and after great, mind-numbing sex what can I say? I have no other words. Just enjoying the moments and wishing things that can't be.

So for now, I have nothing to say for Saturday. I hope you understand! :) But I will be live and loud on Sunday!

Blog Trip - Day 5 - Let's go sightseeing!

2008-09-05T01:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome back to the final day of the blog trip!!! I hope you have enjoyed yourself and I really hope you will come back after the trip is over. I have learned a lot and meet a lot of great people! I definitely found some people that I will keep on readin'.

Anyway on to my town.

This really isn't a sightseeing type of town. Other than the new mall and the soon-to-be .... hmm mall? There isn't too much. Some movie theaters, a bowling alley, a place called Pitch-Putt-n-Play and a skating rink. That's pretty much it. We do have some good parks, one near my house has a great dog park and a sprinkler park for the kids. Awesome.

But, we do live in the shadow of Houston. There is a ton to do in the city. Museums, the zoo, Reliant Stadium and Minute Maid Park. There is the Toyota Center. And these are just a few things.

Then you could always head south to Galveston. This is my real hometown. I was born and raised there.... more or less.... So in Galveston you can visit the Strand, the beach, the Railroad Museum, Moody Gardens and Schlitterbahn. Just to name a few things. Check out that first link to find all the things there are to do!

The Johnson Space Center and Space Center Houston, Kemah Boardwalk and just something in every direction little things here and there to do and see.

So if you ever make your way to my little dot on the map, I will make sure you are fed well, get in some good shopping and get you enough life experiences to last a life time!

And that, my friends, concludes a fun, busy, exciting yet exhausting blog trip. I do hope you will come back to Single Mom Finding Herself again.

Blog Trip - Day 4 - Let's go shopping!

2008-09-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

So it is day four! This Blog Trip is fun! (exhausting) but FUN! I know I have found some new blogs I will definitely be reading! and hope I have some new readers. For my regularly, we will be back from the trip soon and back to normal.

My town has some new shopping. It didn't have much of anything before that. We had to drive into Houston or over to Baybrook Mall (this is where I grew up shopping). But there were a few places around. Hidden Treasures for antiques. I have been in their old store in Pearland but not since they moved.

For clothes there is and has been for almost as long as I can remember a Palais Royal. I had never actually been there until a few months ago though. I don't know why. But they do have cute clothes!

We also have a new mall, just opened. It is an outdoor place and in the Texas heat, I am not sure what the developer was thinking but it is laid out nicely and has nice landscaping. There are great stores there too. I know that I will be spending some cash there come Christmas time! and I am always on the look out for great shoes.... okay great to me.

There is so much development that there will be tons of shopping! Something for everyone. So if you come on for a visit, I will take you shopping until you drop!

Blog Trip - Day 3 - Hungry?

2008-09-03T01:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome back to day 3! I hope you are enjoying your trip.

One thing we do here is eat. There is no lack of a place to go. The only problem you may have is just making a decision. I know the guidelines were to just name a one or two of our faves but.... Well you will see!

We have everything from fast food to need a reservation to get in. Among the typicals, McDs, Burger King, Sonic, Whataburger, Subway, Quiznos.... I could go on with quick places like this.

But of the faster places, I would recommend though Panera's Bread for breakfast or lunch. If you don't know what it is, it is not a fast food in the sense of having a drive-thru but it is fast service usually. If you want something quick and simple for breakfast, it is a good place for some coffee and a muffin or good breakfast bread. Then for lunch you can't beat a half a sandwich with some soup.

We have a lot of Mexican or Tex-Mex places too. I like Juanito's which you will find on Walnut, just over Highway 35. It is good food, family owned and I like it! There is also Don Pico's, not great service but pretty good food. And then a newer place for us out here, Los Cucos. It is pretty good. I took Goofball here for his Bday not too long ago. There are more, several more but those are the ones I have been to.

Then we have Saltgrass Steakhouse, Joe's Crabshack, Fuddruckers, Jake's Grill, Olive Garden, Chili's, Red Lobster, TGIFridays, On the Border, Red Robin and BJ's Brewhouse.

We have an Ihop and soon we will have a Denny's. But for a good breakfast try, Busy Bee near the railroad track on 35. The reviews online aren't great but I have been eating there for years and years..... and years!!! It is good but the service changes with the times, sometimes slow, sometimes great. Food is always good, I have never had bad food there.

We are getting a Cracker Barrel too. My kids like that place, but I think it is mostly for the country store.

For a really nice dinner, go to Killen's Steakhouse. Call for a reservation because it is a small place! and if you didn't know and were just driving by, you probably wouldn't expect what you find when you eat there. It is the best food I think I have ever had. I have only been lucky enough to go once but OH.MY.GOSH! Goood.

For dessert, try Marble Slab. There are now a few locations. But my now favorite one is at Pearland Towncenter. They have cinnamon ice cream at that one! Yum! We also have Cold Stone Creamery and Baskins Robbins. Not my faves but we have them. There are also two places now that serve gelato. One is new and I haven't been there. It is at the new Pearland Towncenter and is called Paciugo Gelato. I can't find the other so I can't tell you the name.... It is near Jake's Grill so if you eat a great burger at Jake's then walk down a few stores to it, it isn't bad.

These are just a few of the places you would find if you came to visit me here in Pearland, Texas. Seriously just a few!!! And then if we head in any direction from here, there are tons and tons of other great places to eat. It is overwhelming to say the least. No wonder I can't make a decision.

I hope that fills you up, you have no excuse to leave here hungry but I hope you didn't overeat too much!

Blog Trip - Day 2 - How much is it to filler up!?

2008-09-02T01:00:00.001-05:00

So welcome to Blog Trip day two! This post is about the price of gas.

Well with a hurricane in the Gulf this week (yesterday) and Labor Day just ending, gas has been a varying thing. But it is far lower than it has been this Summer.

Lately it has been between $3.30 and $3.60.... I know $.30 difference but what can I say. I live out in what used to be country and I drive into the big city often. Price can be hugely different street to street, corner to corner around here.

On every one's mind is how to save on gas. Well sadly I don't have a strategy for this. This summer I lost my mind so that helped because I wasn't driving as much. But, typically no strategy.

Our town isn't really set up well for walking or biking anywhere, no sidewalks or shoulders to do this. I would have to walk in the ditch or on the very overcrowded roads to do it. I would love to see this change as they start to work on the roads in the area. Even to walk to our neighborhood park, the sidewalk ends before you get there so kids, dogs and grown-ups are forced to walk on the road. Not such a bad thing unless you are walking said road and the idiots that don't realize that it is a neighborhood not Daytona International Speedway go speeding by. Or when you are driving the people that think they can walk 3-4 wide on the street so that cars can't drive by.... Well it just isn't made for foot traffic and motor vehicles to travel together. But I digress.

I have lived in areas that I walked everywhere. I walked to work. I walked to the store. I walked to the park. I walked. I walked. I walked. Now I don't live close enough to work to do that. The stores aren't close enough and like I said, no good infrastructure to do it either. And frankly I have gotten lazy too.... :) There I admit it!

There is no public transportation out of here that I can catch either, though up in the Big City there is so just getting up that way, you can park and catch rides to other destinations around the city. These are all things are little town gone big town is working on but I think they are spending too much time talking and less time doing. There was a huge population explosion over the past 10 yrs and development is out of control, people are struggling to catch up and get their minds wrapped around the change. Change happens people, get on board or get out of the way. (Did I say that out loud?)

Goofball wanted me to mention that we live about 22 miles apart so gas prices have an impact on seeing each other. I really thought it was more schedules and kids and stuff like that but yep, now that he mentions it, gas prices too. I think he said it costs like $7-ish each way. Not sure because I never thought about it. But I trust him..... :)

At any rate, that is the gas situation here in my town. I hope the lack of infrastructure doesn't deter you from visiting us. As you will see during the rest of this trip, there is a lot to see here!

Blog Trip - Day 1 - Welcome! This is me!

2008-09-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

Today is day one of the blog trip. I hope you are here for it, or join in!! Day one is kind of an intro to who I am and what I am here for or really any thing I want to share about myself. Me, I think I will share my story.... I think I am also suppose to talk about my town but I am sorry, this is all about me!

Soooo me! 35 and a half (remember when the half used to be so important?).... I am a single mom to three lovely wonderful monsters that I love so much! K is 14 and just started high school.... 9th grade! H is 12 and is in 7th grade this year. L is my youngest at 6 yrs old (yes he has the same father as the older two... nature is a funny thing).... He is starting 1st grade.

We live just south of Houston, TX and have for 3 yrs. I am from here, joined the Navy, had my first two in Florida, moved to Virginia, move back to Texas and then to North Dakota and now back here. Shwooo, that is exhausting just thinking about.... 8 total places we lived in between all those states and that is counting from our first move from FL to VA in 1996 to our last move in 2005 from ND to TX. I hate moving but I am good at it.

I have been divorced for 2 yrs, separated for 3... Was married in total just short of 13 yrs. We both would tell you that it went on far longer than it should have. For me, I had my moment in 1998 but people tell you things like:
Marriage is hard. It takes work. Never give up. Keep trying. Everyone goes through phases like this.
But when is it okay to give up? Say I have tried enough, we just aren't good for each other. We do not make each other happy, etc? It was when I actually felt this way that I was able to say enough is enough. A good friend of mine (one of my PIMs) asked me something like, "If you are so unhappy, why do you stay?" or something like that.... I am not good with the word for word. It was then I said, "Enough." We were living in Fargo, ND at the time.

His story is I left for vacation and never came back. He says I called and just told him I wasn't coming back.... or something like that.

My story is that I was coming home for vacation AND to look for a job, if I found one, I wasn't coming home and we would all move back here.

The truth is somewhere in between that.... (three sides to every story afterall)

But he DID know I wasn't planning to come back when he said good bye the morning I hopped in the car with the three kids and as much as I could pack into it.

Then he moved here a few weeks after we moved in to this house. The plan was for him to find another place to live. 2 mths later, he was still here but hadn't unpacked. So one night I asked him, "Are you going to unpack here or move out like we planned?" He moved out.... Good boy.

The rest of the story goes really quickly.... He lived here, as in Houston, for another 7 mths. He then moved to Dallas/Ft. Worth area. He started dating someone as was I, he moved in with her and then almost immediately broke up.... He then meet a new girl and is now married to her.

I have been seeing the same guy for a very enjoyable 2-ish yrs.... Not sure where it is going and most of the time I don't care.... because I just enjoy him. Some of my best days are with him. I can't imagine life now without him. He is great and I am crazy about that man.

Well this is me. Single mom finding herself....

"Our Emotionally Disposable Culture"

2008-08-31T13:39:00.005-05:00

This was the name of a blog on IHeartSingleparents.com that really caught my eye. It was written by a guy named Jordan (I hope he doesn't mind me using his name but just giving credit)

I have been reading a lot that he has written and I can't say I disagree with him on much of any of it. He is younger than me but in a lot of ways older because of his level of thinking. I always admire people like this..... the ones that make me think.

Anyway, I replied to him but wanted to write about it because it was so thought provoking that I can't stop thinking about it.

So here is how I took what he wrote: He was saying that our culture has become very disposable in thinking. We have plastic water bottles, but throw them out when they are empty, only to get a new one. The bags we take home from the store - disposable.

Then he said as single parents, (either by choice or not) are we showing our kids that relationships are disposable.... Okay sort of he said I'm really not trying to incite guilt, but to shine a light on the issue that people in general are too quick to change what doesn't fit perfectly.

Wow. That says a lot to me. I started to reply right away but the words didn't form up. So I clicked off and thought about it. Came back read it again. Clicked off.... and after a while I finally came back and replied to him.

My reply was that I hope that my actions do not show my children that relationships are disposable. My ex and I spent a long time trying to work it out. It was 1998 when I knew it had to end and that things with us would not be the same. 8 years later we were both finally able to walk away for good.

You often hear, "Don't give up." "Try and try and then try again".... things like that. (More on this to be published tomorrow)

I didn't give up for a long time. It wasn't something that either of us took lightly. We wanted to make it work as much for the kids as for each other and for all those that say "Marriage is hard."
But at some point you just have to admit that it is okay to walk away. It is okay to give up and it is okay to throw away so to speak. Not in the disposable way but in the "I tried my best but this is a no win situation" kinda way.....

For me, I didn't want my kids to think THAT type of relationship was okay to be in either. I would rather them learn to dispose of rather than sit in a very unhappy to the point of very mental ill relationship. Had I not got out at the point I did, I have no idea if I could be a productive member of society today. I might be locked up in a very soft room where I would mumble to myself in a completely made up world just happy because reality does not exist to me anymore.

Our relationship was very toxic. I am still unpacked and purging emotional baggage from it or finding pieces that still hurt. So are the kids. But each day we get better and the baggage and leftovers gets lighter and fewer.

They see me now, happier, healthier and not rushing into a relationship just for the sake of it. I hope that the choices I am making are showing them that relationships are not disposable. People are not disposable. Our emotions are not disposable.

As for plastic bags and bottles, well it is on my list of things for us to work on.

Recycle, reuse, reduce

An Award..... Coool!

2008-08-30T22:59:00.004-05:00

Sooooo I got a blog award. I never get these things (okay one other time)....

Thanks Charlene! I would totally give it right back to you if I could.

So the rules are simple. I have to answer the following questions but just with one word each and then tag 7 people with the honor. Only 7 might be hard so I hope I don't make anyone feel left out. I love all the blogs I read!

So without further ado.... The questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Here
2. Where is your significant other? Home
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? Home
5. Your father? Home
6. Your favorite thing? Kisses
7. Your dream last night? Vivid
8. Your dream/goal? Reachable
9. The room you're in? Messy
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Arms
14. What you're not? Anxious
15. One of your wish-list items? Everything
16. Where you grew up? Beach
17. The last thing you did? Write
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your TV? On
20. Your pet? Three
21. Your computer? Loved
22. Your mood? Amused
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Orange
25. Something you're not wearing? Bra
26. Favorite store? Shoes
27. Your summer? Over
28. Love someone? Completely
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Minutes
31. Last time you cried? Daily

Soooooo peeps I tag.... Wow.... the difficult part. I want to give it to everyone that is in my blogroll.... Can I just do that? No?

Damn!

Okay here goes.....

Belinda/Shuttle Mom - you totally rock and I can't wait to meet you some day. I love reading your blog.

Karen - You know I love ya girl. I can't wait to get to the other side of the pond to meet you too! It must happen... I have known you too long.
Avonlea - Glad I started reading your blog again. I really enjoy it!
A Single Mom's life - I know you are busy but I just love what I have read on your blog. Can't wait for more.

how many is that??? Four? Okay....

Lisa - I am so glad I did that Fun Monday.... I really love your blog, all the pics, even if the bugs creep me out a bit.
Jen - Chaos is my middle name and ya know I love ya! so I have to hit you on this one. Can't wait until we can hang out again..... someday....

and last but certainly not least..... and the one I wasn't sure I should tag but I will.....
Trapped in Time - Cuz you know why. You rock.

Take the award, post your answers (don't worry if you can't tag others, it is just for fun!) and Have fun! Keep up the great work and know I *heart* your blog (or maybe just you!)

Lazy Saturday blogger

2008-08-30T00:44:00.004-05:00

So I have been doing pretty good with writing stuff up and scheduling it to post. This way I have something for each day. I am not saying it is written last week or a month ago, but a few days or even the day before. Though somethings are ideas I had from a week ago, a month ago or longer.

Anyway, I am not prepared for Saturday.

I know, I know everyone is disappointed. I am very sorry. You came here with expectations of advice, wonderful stories and inspiration.

But instead you get my rambles at 1:00 am.

Instead of writing today (err, Friday) I went out with Goofball and had a good time. We just hung out and I really like that. I miss him like crazy all week so when I do get to see him, I don't really like being around a bunch of other people. I want some time to just reconnect with him. No outside distractions, just me and him.

It is good and bad. Good because we get that special time together, bad because well.... I don't know, we just never do anything so I know I wonder, "Is he disappointed?" He mentions it a lot but like tonight or hmm, last night (Friday), he said that he thought I would have expectations that we do something. Why, I asked? Because you are a woman. Yep but I don't have expectations of anything but some one on one time with you (him.)

My expectations were met and then some.

At any rate, I don't have anything really great to say for Saturday. No funny stories or words of wisdom, though I am working on it so check back! I need to sort through my notes, yes I keep notes of things I want to talk about, discuss and share. Writing has always been a passion for me and I really enjoy it even more now that I have people reading it. But sadly I got nothing for you....

So there you have it my nothing for Saturday.

Smooth moves and elevators

2008-08-29T02:00:00.001-05:00

I am so cool but you knew that, right? Never mind, don't answer that.

Today I got to work all happy and kinda all in my head about what I had to do for the day. Got in the elevator and realized I hadn't turned my phone volume. I like to do that before I get to the office.

Soooo I am in the elevator, missing with my phone, then the doors open for my floor.... so I looked up (just straight in front of me).... I was looking at a guy's waist and in my shock, I looked up like a little kid looking up at a giant and was very obviously surprised by the VERY TALL MAN! He kinda nodded/smiled at me, like "Yeah thanks I get that a lot."

Very awesome.

I resisted the urge to look back to see if he could actually fit on the elevator!

You just can't take me anywhere. :)

Not about zombies

2008-08-28T02:00:00.000-05:00

When have I ever written about zombies? Never. But that was the only title I could think of! Catchy?? Yeah, I thought so too!!!

But, this is about nightmares, night terrors and screaming during sleep, which can be just as scary as zombies.... well almost.

So we are having the house remodeled. My house is not big, maybe 1000 sq ft.... It is a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom and no garage, but it has a big yard and an understanding Landlord (my parents). Soooo we now have all my bedroom stuff in the living room. I have a new storage area but it isn't complete so all the stuff that needs to be stored there isn't.

My bed is now in the boys' room (yes it is large enough for a queen and two twins). My oldest son talks in his sleep. He also screams in his sleep! Nice.

So first night, I didn't bother to put a night light in there. They don't yet have a window in there so it is pitch black at night. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. Yeah I tried, not just once and I giggled that I couldn't.... I amuse myself like that sometimes.

Well about the time I got in to the good sleep, I woke up screaming. Yeah I was screaming. Why? Cuz H was screaming. I do not know why, he says because he woke up and it was dark. But I am not sure if that was the initial reason. L woke up, "Mom, can I talk to you?" He was obviously upset. I told him to come over to my bed. We all went back to sleep.

Every night since then, H talks or screams or yells in his sleep. I don't understand why. Earlier he was yelling at the dog to stop doing something and then yelled for me to get the dog to stop. The dog was laying on the floor across from me fast asleep. But I just called back "Dog stop." Done deal.

He yelled out a bit later something about "Rabbits! Rabbits!" I am sure Mindy can relate!

Which leads me to the not about zombies. He doesn't seem to be dreaming about scary stuff that you would think a child would be afraid of.... at least not in the traditional sense anyway.

My concern is why is he having these dreams or night terrors or nightmares? He has had them since he was a bitty little thing. I remember when he was about 2, he was dreaming but at that time it was scary. Snakes, or the way he used to say it "Nakes!" He didn't even wake up. I just held him and he calmed down.

I have talked to doctors, counselors, etc. Can't figure it.

At any rate, I have to sleep in there for at least a month. Wish me luck!!

Wordless Wednesday with a little sand

2008-08-27T02:00:00.000-05:00

Why I do Wordless Wednesday.....

2008-08-26T02:00:00.000-05:00

I recently asked a good friend who also happens to be an amazing and popular blogger for some advice. She mentioned that she does not participate in things like "Wordless Wednesday" and others as she has too much to say.... Yes and she rocks at it!

But, I got to thinking about this. Wordless Wednesday doesn't necessarily mean that I am not saying anything about myself, my world, life etc. Each week that I have done Wordless Wednesday I have thought long and hard about what picture to share from my life. Like last week when I posted a picture of our massive amounts of school supplies! It is a good thing I got so many, btw.

Anyway, I really enjoy seeing the Wordless Wednesday posts. I really feel like I get a glimpse of your life when you post a picture.... I also love abstract pictures or landscape or animals or anything! New or old. I love them all.

I would like to start "collecting" posts for Wordless Wednesday. I would like any that wants to do this, to post a comment saying that you have a Wordless Wednesday post to share. I will post a list for everyone to go and see all the great pictures!

What do you think? I just hope all the traffic I got today will carry over to tomorrow so people get the word.

I'll start working on a badge for it.... Can you advertise it for me on your blog too?

Even if you don't want to be on the list, I would love to see your Wordless posts. :)

Texas Independence Day..... or Fun Monday

2008-08-25T02:00:00.000-05:00

So this week's Fun Monday is brought to you by Mama Drama.

The details of the assignment are can be found at their place but the question is....

What funny trivial fact do you remember that you probably should have forgotten a long time ago?

So with this in mind, here goes mine. Not sure that it is EXACTLY what they are looking for BUT.... I was born on Texas Independence day which also just happens to be Sam Houston's birthday too. Being a Texan I thought that this was awesome! Then to find out I was related to one of the Captains that fought in the battle that won Texas its independence from Mexico.

I know this might seem silly to some but I have always remembered the dates, I mean it was easy to remember, but I guess the silly part to me was that I feel a like a proud Texan to share this day with the Republic of Texas and Sam Houston.

The Summer of Unfortunate Events

2008-08-24T01:47:00.002-05:00

This summer was like one unfortunate event after another but mostly just all health related. I am not planning to name all the bad.

Really, spending a little more time and better quality of time with Goofball was probably the ONLY thing that went as planned but even that was a little off this summer at times.... I doubt he would deny it. This was mostly me. I was much grumpier than usual.

It was suppose to be the summer that I take care of myself and get some things done that I wanted to do, many projects not done. I feel like I pretty much slept the summer away. I was soo sick from about Mid-June until .... well really just this past week. I finally feel human again.

It was such a long, hard battle to get here. I thought I was losing my mind and to be honest I thought about just giving up.... No, no not on life but just on being plugged into life/reality. I thought about letting the ex have the kids, me turning into a bum and just checking out of reality...maybe even getting a few more cats and a couple more dogs and maybe a snake. A crazy lady should have at least one snake.

But somewhere in my mind a voice was screaming, "NO, you aren't like that. This is not you. You aren't going to give up."

I am glad I didn't because this was all temporary caused by medication. I am finally going back to work on Monday, the kids are back and start school on Monday as well. Also, I didn't mess up with Goofball so that is good. I would be lost without him at this point. I am crazy for that boy.

Now let's just hope I can get back to work and not have screwed up too badly there.

And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So if your doc wants to start you on something that you don't know much about, research it, research it, research it and ask a lot of questions. I wish I would have questioned more, spoke up more but I have NEVER had that kind of reaction to a med before.

Anywho, wish me luck!! I am nervous and excited.

Staying insanely sane

2008-08-22T02:00:00.001-05:00

Something to keep you insanely sane. You may have read this somewhere like your inbox forwarded by your friend that ONLY emails you with forward this or you will cause the end of the World emails. I got this off of IHeartSingleParents.com (Single parent? Come join us!)

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks . Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana"

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go" (I will just add that I worked in fast food for over 2 yrs, and people do this but I think they forget they are IN THEIR CARS.... seriously)

9. Move your desk in to the elevator and when the doors open to let someone on, ask if they have an appointment.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

13. Take your TV outside.

14. Cut out photos and paste them on Popsicle sticks and give a puppet show to the person on the other side of your cube wall.

15. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

What I miss the most

2008-08-21T02:00:00.000-05:00

Pillow talk. You know the moments just before falling asleep or even the first moments in the morning, when you can just share some moments with your partner. Intimate moments of whispers in the dark, soft touches and gentle kisses. Great conversations with or without words, because sometimes there is no need for words as touches can do the same.

This makes my nights feel long. I often take forever to get to sleep. I stare endlessly at the other side of the bed. I try to spread out more to take up some of the empty space. I flip to my other side so I can't see the emptiness to my right.

Then I do fall asleep only to wake later upset and shaken by a dream. I desperately look for comfort but find the bed is still empty, as I knew it would be but in my frightened and confused state between reality and dream, I still hope to find someone there to comfort me. To put a strong, loving arm around me and pull me close, whisper that it was just a dream and that I was safe. I could then drift back to sleep.

Only that isn't what I get. Instead I toss and turn for another 30 minutes or so. I may get up and check the locks, just once more. Stumble to the bathroom and then to the kitchen.... maybe some cool water.

Then morning comes. I always linger in bed a little too long. I really crave that special morning time, sometimes more than the lonely nights. The good morning hellos, special kisses and maybe a wish for a good day.

This thing I miss, this pillow talk and intimate sharing, it will be in my future, I know it will but it is years away. I can wait.... I can but it still makes the night's long and the mornings not so cheery.

In the meantime, I look forward to good night wishes and good morning hellos via electronic form.

And there are always the kids.... we do share some special moments, snuggled in bed and I do truly enjoy those too because someday I will be writing how I miss those moments too.

Back to School - Wordless Wednesday

2008-08-20T02:00:00.001-05:00

My prized possesion

2008-08-19T02:00:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was Fun Monday around the blogosphere. I keep hoping to hop in there one of these weeks!

Anyway so Lisa was the host. She asked folks to pose a question to their readers. Mindy at Mama Drama asked a great question! If she could see everything we owned, what might she like for herself? Check out her post.

I had to really think. What could she possibly want in my house? I like my shoes but they surely can't live up to Mindy standards! She has the best shoes. I have a Wii but she doesn't strike me as a Wii or video game person.

I have tons of toys, and by me, I mean the kids. They are EVERYWHERE! This is just a few shots of them.... Yes that one is in my bathroom.

Family photos? Maybe. The painting my grandfather painted? Nay it has a broken frame right now. My Navy memorabilia? Could be. (Most is packed away though).....

I thought.... and thought.... and thought....

Finally I answered that she might like my special Teddy Bear. Treasure was a gift to me from an Aunt and Uncle when my first of two younger brothers was born in 1975. She quickly became my best friend. She seemed so big to me when I was a child. She would hide me from monsters in the closest or under the bed. She made the hurt go away when I cut my finger off or had my tonsils out. She was there when I needed someone to listen and not talk. She kept all my secrets.

She has been with me through everything, slept on with me until K was born (seriously), then just slept on my bed during the day and next to my bed at night.

She has caught so many of my tears and shared my joys. I wish I had the pictures of her next to me just about every Christmas morning. The Christmas I got my first camera, she was happy to smile for me and let me practice.

Now she just hangs out on my dresser, ready for me and wearing one of K's dresses from babyhood. She is the reason I love teddy bears and why I have a huge collections of them. K's nickname from me is K---Bear, yes for that reason.

I can't even remember how or when she got her name. Was it when I was 2-ish yrs old? Was I older? Did I have help?

Well all I know is she is a treasure to me and I will have her for my whole life. I hope once I am gone (I want to be cremated so no burying her with me).... I hope my kids will keep her to remember me by, and hopefully pass her down to their kids.... if she makes it that long, that is.

Do you have one? Do your kids? Please feel free to leave it in the comments or share on your blog! (leave a comment with link to your blog, if you do)

Late Fun Monday - Assignment Aug 18

2008-08-18T22:48:00.002-05:00

So I decided way late to do the Fun Monday assignment for this week! It is hosted by Lisa .

Here is the assignment: What is one thing you would like to ask your readers? Come up with a question to pose to your visitors and throw it out there on Monday. As we’re all visiting each other’s Fun Monday posts we should answer the various questions we come across.

My question is: if you could go back to 13 yr old you, what would you say to yourself?

Photo Contest

2008-08-18T12:31:00.006-05:00

Aimee at Greeblemonkey is an amazing photographer. I am a wannabe. She is launching a new monthly contest. Click banner above to visit the announcement, to find out how YOU TO can enter and see the others!

Here is my entry into the Greeblepix contest!

L at the beach.... This is just one in a series.
I love the beach.