Setting goals; sticking to it

This is my pledge to myself. I will lose this weight. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm just tired of it all.

I need some, something..... I know what to do. I know how to do it. I just need to do it. No I must do it!

So I have a plan. I have goals and I'm putting this out here so I that I feel like I have some accountability to actually do it!

My reward for doing this.... That I haven't figured out. Maybe if I can keep it off by the summer, I will take the kids on a great vacation! Or maybe I will buy myself the car I have only been dreaming about. Definitely new clothes!!!! and shoes and maybe a purse or two or three (I love purses)

Whatever I decide one thing I want to keep in mind "Slow and steady wins the race."

The first major decision

To go or to stay? Should I go out of my way to take the kids to see their dad..... or do I just go with our usual weekend and suck it up as him making a bad decision by moving more than 100 miles away?

Each day I leave the house by 6:45 am (this is at the latest). I get home normally around 6:00-6:15 pm. That's a long day. Then dinner, hang with kids, schoolwork most nights for at least an hour or two, cleaning up..... and then in bed between 9:30 - 10:00 (that's on a good night!).

The weekends are spent doing errands, grocery shopping, and the heavier cleaning/laundry that I just can't get to during the week. It is also when I will write or work on my major project for school. Then, hello, I do try to get some down time over the weekend too. Sleep in a tiny bit but can't seem to sleep past 7:00 which is fine.

So should I give up my routine, my weekend, my only time to get the cleaning done, my really good study time so I can let him see the kids and of course them see him? Now I will give him a break on the Navigator falling apart. that is out of his hands. However, why should I go out of my way when he hasn't for a month? He has had weekend after weekend to get down here to see them. Yet when he finally has plans to come, he can't? He could rent a car, borrow a car... something! I rented a car for 2 weeks. He can for a weekend, right?

I really want to be the bigger person but I also believe in consequences of actions. His action was to move and he knew the distance would make it hard to see the kids, yet he did it anyway.

What have I decided to do?

We shall stay home and stick to our routine. I hate to do this to the kiddos but I'm sure when they have clean clothes next week, groceries in the frig and when mom finishes her degree, they will be happy and understand.

Feeling better

I'm slowly feeling better. Less like being on a sinking ship. Less overwhelmed.

It was a good day at work. A good day in general. Dinner was made, leftover soup from yesterday. Kids are happy, not fighting. My schoolwork is complete, class is going well. Money stuff is going okay, I do need to sit down and figure out my bills but should have enough to pay them! That is good news.

The only bad thing is I think the ex is going to bale out on the kids for the weekend. He was suppose to come see them but something is wrong with the car and he said he will probably not come. I realize that this is out of his hands but at the same time, I feel like he should go out of his way to see them since he hasn't seen them in more than a month.

But ya know, that isn't going to ruin anything. I feel good. The kids are happy, healthy and I'm here for them.

Sinking Ship

Have you ever felt like you are on a sinking ship? You see the life boats, the life vests and could easily jump over, but don't want to give up hope that the ship won't sink.

I don't know..... but this thought just came to mind. I guess I'm kind of feeling this way lately....

Overwhelmed

I feel like blogging but couldn't decide on the topic so I figure I could vent a bit. I do complain some but I really, really try not to. I mean my life overall is great. I have friends a lot worse off and of course friends that have a great life, one that other people can only dream of.

But today, I need to vent and whine and complain and get out some of my guilt. I have been neglecting everything. I don't feel like my head is on straight. I feel like I get distracted easily and can't seem to finish much. I haven't given my children my full attention. I'm messing up a bit at work. My house is always a mess. My finances are getting better but still a mess. I feel like I'm floundering and don't even know what or how to fix it.

I knew being a single mom would be hard and I really thought no bigs I have been pretty much a single mom even being married, doing 90-95% of everything for years and years.... but oh no, no, no, no, no, no.... Nothing could have prepared me for having to take care of all the needs for all three kids and work and the house and going to school. There are school activities and they want to do sports and scouts and damn it I just don't have time!!!! Just a few more classes to go and hopefully I will have much, much more time. Maybe I can focus more..... but what if I can't? What if it isn't better? What if this is my life?

The ex suggested today that I let the older son go live with him. What did I say to that? Not just no but hell no! Not that he wouldn't take care of him and whatever. But I am not separating my children from each other or (selfishly) from me. They might not mind but I just feel it is important for them to be together. Maybe it was that I was close to my brothers growing up... I don't know.

Then today I meet with that guy.... Let's call him Goofball from now on, okay? Good. So Goofball and I meet today at the zoo. One of my most favorite places to go! I love, love, love the zoo. It looks like they are doing a ton of work and I can't wait to see how it turns out. But while we were out today, we talked about us. The talk about what we want. I mostly let him talk. I had a stressful morning and then just got really mellow. He and I agreed we aren't looking for serious and just want to keep this casual. Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! I mean don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I do like him but I just don't have a lot of time for more and maybe sometime next year I will have time for a more serious relationship and if it is with him great and if not, fine too. Either way I enjoy his company now, he makes me laugh and I love to talk to him. so I'm here for the ride however long that is......

I'm so overwhelmed, so very lost and confused. I have been really fighting with my depression again and I just want to cry!!!! Scream!!! Yell!!!! I wish I were able to run..... I miss running so much but I can't risk hurting my foot again. Maybe I will buy a bike for myself. That would at least take the impact off of my foot and still give me that physical release I need so badly.

Anyway, for now, I'm trying to take it one day at a time and if necessary one minute at a time.

Busted!

So the guy I have been talking to (I should give him a cool nickname!) read my blog. I had told him about it and sent him the link, I don’t know actually when, a while ago… a month or more, maybe? Anyway, so he final read it. LOL! I’m busted…. Just kidding. I don’t really mind at all or else I wouldn’t have sent him the link. I also have a rule about not writing stuff that I don’t want people to read.

This is actually kind of funny to me because a few of things I have written, I have wanted him to read because I have been to chicken to bring them up or some of it I thought he might get a kick out of getting to know me, kind of. I’m soooo passive aggressive or just passive or just aggressive, I can never remember which. But basically I would rather someone find out indirectly about things…. I’m getting a little bit better at speaking my mind but some things; I’m just not ready yet.

This is one of them. Now in my “Meet and Greet Part 3” blog entry, I don’t know if I got my true point across. So this entry is just in case he reads it again AND so I can maybe sort out my thoughts more before he and I discuss (we agreed to discuss this in person).

Anywho, to start, what we have talked about it is neither of us are looking for a serious relationship. Oh so true for me! But, then my point in my original blog was, what is serious? I have no idea! Given my past (ha, ha) 3 mths is serious…. But this doesn’t feel like that and I am definitely in a different place in my life, definitely older and wiser, and a place where serious just doesn’t work for me. So far this has been casual and a friendship. It’s exactly what I want and need.

Now with that said, I want to just discuss with him that we are both on the same page with this. And what does he think serious is…. Just because I’m curious what he thinks. I still don’t really know what I think serious is…. What is it?

Then I had listed the things I want in a relationship. This could apply to any relationship; my parents, kids, friends, future boyfriend(s), co-workers even (okay maybe not affection for this last one)….. But, really you have to have many of those qualities in a relationship and I haven’t always been great about making sure I surround myself with “good” people.

In my other entry, I also said things like, “I don’t want to scare him off” “I don’t want to be clingy, needy”…. I mean it! I know me and me can be this way…. But strangely, I don’t feel that now. Like I don’t feel needy or clingy, I am just enjoying getting to know him as a friend, period. Have I mentioned he cracks me up? No? well he does!

At some point I will be ready for something more. I know what I want in a relationship and I know the type of person I would like it to be with. I feel I know me better too. I don’t know how long it will take me to get to a “ready for a serious relationship” place but I think it will depend on the person I am with at the time. One thing is for sure, I will want to take my time with any guy/dating/relationships from now on because the one with the ex was extremely rushed and I want a friend if I were to ever marry again.

Keeping my mouth shut - part 2

I guess I’m not the only one frustrated by the ex. K threw a fit the same day I wrote part of this series. As I said in part 1, L is 4. He cries for his daddy when he gets his feelings hurt. Well I guess K had enough! She went off on him. Yelling all the things I have wanted to say but can’t!

“Daddy doesn’t love us!” “He doesn’t call; he doesn’t want to see us!” “He moved away and doesn’t want us!”

Of course I stopped her but I didn’t yell. I stayed as calm as I could. I told her to calm down and go to her room until she could be calm. She did. I comforted L and then went to talk to her.

She was much better later. But, I was really surprised that I was pretty calm, it was a really strange feeling.

As a side-note, the ex just called me. We haven’t really talked on the phone in a few weeks so that was weird for him to call. He was just checking in with me. Umm, whatever.

Keeping my mouth shut

With the ex living in another city and only seeing the kids once a month, I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Its the whole, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" thing.

So since the people I am around the most (my kids) can't hear me vent, whine and complain about their dad.... plus they all think he is great.... well who am I to squash that. I want to be the bigger person in this.....

In that stream of thought, I'm going to vent, whine and complain, and basically say everything here that I would LOOOOOVE to say.

The ex is now in a relationship. After lying to me about wanting to get back together, I find out that for at least a month or more, we was seeing this girl and they moved right to "I love you" very quickly. Well good for him. But, I think part of the reason he can't seem to make time for his kids, is because he likes being with her. Fine. He is the one missing out. Here is what bothers me..... He called last night and told the kids he will be buying them all these new games. Why? I don't know but I would guess it is guilt. I really want to say something about it but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

Then he has also told me that he wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend and her kids. I told him our kids are not quite ready for that. Did he listen? No, he told the kids that he wants them to meet her. Well I had to pick up the pieces of that and he is completely stupid for not realizing they are not ready! He may be ready to move on but they are still trying to figure out what happened. Again, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I already said everything that needs to be said. And, if he wants to spend his ONE weekend alone with the kids, with her as well.... well I don't know, just seems pretty selfish to me. Ya know?

Then L being 4 and me being here, well when he gets his feelings hurt, he will cry for daddy. And, ya know, when he does it about kills me. I would love to say, "Yeah you want daddy, but where is he? Not here because he doesn't want to be with us. He couldn't handle being a dad full-time so once a month is all he can do." I will not say that to my child but damn, I would love to. I just comfort him as much as he will let me and then we move along.

The point is I'm here. I haven't left the kids to flounder around and while I might be seeing someone it if casual and even if it were more, I wouldn't go pushing him on my kids. They are not ready for that at all!

I just cannot, will never understand being a part-time parent. He isn't here for doctor's appts, for sick kids, for the ups and downs, for looking over homework or taking them to the park. He isn't here to nag them to clean up their messes or to tell them good-night. I am here. I will always be here for them. If it means putting some of my plans on hold and not being able to go out and meet new people or get in a serious relationship, that is fine. They will be grown and gone before I'm too old to get out and meet people. K is 12... just a few years and she will be off doing her own thing with friends. H is almost 11, same deal. L is the only one I will have longer.... but still when he is 16-18-ish I will only be 41. That is quite young still.

And who knows what will happen this next year or two? I don't. But, I'm committed to doing whatever it takes for these kids and if that means having to bite my tongue quite often so that I don't hurt them.... well I can do it. I'm their mom.

Meet and Greet part 3

We got to meet up again, 3rd time. We talk often and I don't know what to say. He just cracks me up and well, I really like him. This is the exact thing I am looking for... again, casual, laid back and just great!

Now I have to say, I'm not looking for anything serious after getting out of a near 13 year marriage but then I'm not going to turn one down either..... but what is a serious relationship? I have been wanting to discuss this with him but I really don't want to define things and end up frightening him away. I don't know if I really want to define anything either.... but at the same time, I would like to know what he is thinking. So anyway, when trying to define to myself what I would think "serious" is.... well I couldn't.

This is what I want in a relationship:
honesty
trust
affection
respect
good conversation
lots of laughs
a connection
communication
and I want to know where I stand with the other person.... where do I rank, for lack of a better way to say that. (Not necessarily in that order.)

But, those are the things I am looking for. Some of these things come from the begining (conversation and laughs) and some come with time (trust, connection, affection). Some come with work... like communication.

So I have been talking to him now for almost 3 mths. We have meet up 3 times and do talk in some form just about everyday. I'm not ready to.... I don't know. I just don't want to scare him off by being too needy, clingy but I also think at some point soon we need to discuss this friendship/relationship so that we are both on board with what it is.

For now, I love the friendship it is and I hope it will continue because it is just the thing I want and right when I need it. Stay tuned for Part 4....

The Long Goodbye

This song, by Brooks & Dunn, really reminds me of my marriage and its death.... Good, good song! I had forgotten about it but I'm sitting here doing some schoolwork and listening to the songs on my computer. This just came on......


The Long Goodbye - Brooks & Dunn

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
It sure is hard to do
I know they say if you don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
Those words don't pull me through
Cause I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin' through the millclimbin' up a hill

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
But I know without a doubt
We turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we could still try
How long must we keep running on a carousel
Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard
I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Long goodbye
Long goodbye...

The Stapler

In 1996 I went to work for an Army Coloniel at NATO/SACLANT in Norfolk, VA. This was really my first experience with working with/for the Army and also the first time I worked as an Executive Assistant.

His name was Coloniel William Hussey. We were both new to the command and learned a long the way how things worked and we got to the point where we were reading each other's minds. I would water his office plants when he was out. I knew when he needed help getting a pesky person out of his office, knew which calls to send in to his office and which to say he was busy, even if he wasn't.

He was also the type that made you feel like you were just this special person, a great person that could take on the world. His wife was amazing. They were just this great couple. I have a recipe of hers but I haven't made it, not once.

So one day he came to me and asked if I could find him a good stapler. The one he had would bind up and just didn't work well. Of course I would! He could have asked me to do just about anything and I would have done it for him.... No matter how minimal or petty it seemed to others, I would have done it. I spent a lot of time downstairs in the supply room "test driving" stapler until I found the perfect one. I proudly handed it over to him. And, in perfect Coloniel Hussey fashion, I was overly praised for such a trivial task. I loved him!

July 14, 1998 changed everything. Every night before I left I would tell him good-bye. No matter what (unless he was on a trip or something). Well July 13th, I had a bad headache and he was in a meeting so I just left..... the first time ever! I always would go to wherever he was and told him good-bye, meeting or not. This day was different.

Well the next morning, he was late. I ended up walking down the hall and around 9:00 am, the big boss (Captian Lewis) came to us and told us that Coloniel Hussey had died. Massive Heart Attack.

The next week was a blur. His funeral was amazing, just like he was.

Well as part of my job, I had to help pack up and inventory his office. This was done with another Army Coloniel who I knew very well. We talked and talked for a couple of hours while we packed my beloved boss' office. When I got to the office supplies and the stapler, I turned to the Coloniel and asked, "May I have this?".... He didn't even blink or question me, he just said Yes.

To this day, I have that very stapler. I use it often and it doesn't bind up. Just staples perfectly!

Coloniel Hussey, wherever you are, I think of you often. You were the most amazing man and I really looked up to you as a father figure and role model. You are deeply missed and I do hope that you check on me from time to time. In fact, I know you do and I hope you are proud. Maybe one day we will meet again. I'll bring you a biscuit.

"We come from strong pioneering women"

This is something my aunt told me not too long ago and I run it through my head from time to time.

Basically our family has always been run by women. I recently learned that both my great-great grandmother (dad's mom's side) and my great-grandmother (dad's dad's side) were divorced, single moms back when that was frowned upon. They worked very hard and raised great children and later grandchildren (and at some point my generation was born from this). My great-grandmother (dad's mom's mom) was a very strong woman. She definitely was in charge of what everyone in the family did. I could see that even at a young age. She wasn't a mean or angry or scary person, just very strong. Then my grandmother kind of took over this role and I can see my Aunt is now going to start playing that part. Who knows if I will be the one to pick that up at some point too but we shall see.

So yesterday I text messaged the ex, in a reply to him asking if I was okay: "This has just about killed me. But that that does not kill us makes us stronger. And babe, I am damn strong." (No reply from him.... oh well.... )

And, it was in that moment that I realized.... I do come from strong women and I am one of them! I felt like this huge weight lifted off of me and I just smiled.

Monday Night Rambles

Well after a long weekend you would think I would be nice and rested for the week ahead. Not so much. This was probably one of the worst weekends in my life. No kidding.

The divorce was final on Friday and I was so up from it, happy, glad it was over but crashed quickly. I stayed in a depression like no other all weekend. I hope that I kept some sense of humor about it, as much as possible anyway, but damn, I'm tired. I haven't slept more than a few hours at best all weekend. I haven't eaten but small bites each day... If you took everything I ate this weekend, it would still not amount to a full meal.

Mostly I think this was due to the factor I'm very nice or just really, really stupid. I let the ex stay here because he came in for court and to spend some time with the kids. It was just really stressful. I think the reality of the divorce being final would have been a bit hard but I think it was doubled if not tripled by him being here. Plus it reminds me of why we were going through the divorce in the first place.

And, what of the kids? Well, they are wild and hyper and I have no energy to deal with them so here I sit blogging away just to pass the time and hopefully the quiet tapping of the keyboard and the peacefulness I feel while writing will help me to relax enough to sleep peacefully for the first time several days.

Well the kids are now a lot more peaceful. In their beds and my eyes are starting to get really heavy.

So I will just leave you with this quote from the Lion King which the kids and I say almost every night.

"Good night."
"Sleep Tight"
"Dream of bed bugs tonight!"

Nice ride

Well I have been up since about 3-ish this morning. What was I doing at 3 in the moring? Having anxiety attacks. Really bad ones. I haven't had them this bad in a long, long time. I talked about them in another blog entry here.... did I call it "Me"? I think so.

Anyway I think these were brought on by all the stress and the divorce finally being over.... and well reality setting in. Now don't get me wrong, this is soo the right decision to make, but it still kind of sucks. There were no true deal breakers in our marriage that would make me hate him or divorce him, but then there wasn't anything to hold on to either. So there is that stupid, nagging voice asking me if this truly was the right thing, could we make it work? I know the answer to that..... No.

I have heard other people talk about feeling kind of this way too, so I know its normal but damn, until you go through it, you just don't get it. Of course for a normal person, maybe they wouldn't have anxiety attacks or maybe they do, again this isn't something people talk about.

Wow, one is starting now. What is happening is my whole body starts shaking and getting really tense. Its hard to breath and I feel very cold, very cold. Also I feel very sick to my stomach. But, anyway.....

The nice ride part. Well I decided I would go for a ride but being that it was still the "witching hour" as I call it. The time of morning when it is still really too early to just drive around randomly when you are a single woman.... or really anyone. I hopped on the computer and did a little web searching to pass the time and then "that guy" got on so we chatted via IM. I told him my plans, he gave some suggestions and we talked a bit until it was past the witching hour. I popped in a new CD with a bunch of my current fave songs and I was off. I drove to the Gulf and just felt the anxiety wash away.... at for a bit. Of course its back but oh well it was a nice ride anyway....

Just what I needed, a trip to my birth place, Galveston, TX. Love it though I know what I see when I go is different than the way others see it....Maybe a Rose colored glasses type of situation. Its home and I always feel good going there. Just going to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.....

Meet and Greet Part 2

I meet up with that guy again. I hate to keep saying that guy but hey for privacy sake, that's his name as well as in keeping with my other entries with no names in them.

Anyway, we meet for lunch yesterday. It was really nice again. I get a little nervous in new situations like this, but after a few minutes was pretty comfortable joking around and chatting.

So nothing earth shattering but definitely what I needed and definitely just what I'm looking for right now. This will sound a lot like my last entry about him but this is just great. I don't want the pressure of a relationship or defining of things, no rushing into ... anything. Just fun, casual, talking and hanging out. If it doesn't go past that, fine with me and if it does fine with me. I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Funny thing is that he mentioned something about not talking as in running out of things to talk about. I can't imagine that happening at least not in the near future. New stuff happens everyday. Plus if he would just smile, I would be happy with that. I like when he smiles.

And, so we left it with "We should do this again." So stay tuned for Part 3.

September 9, 1992

This is a very important day to me. It was the day that really changed my life forever. It was the day I left home and arrived in Orlando, FL for Boot Camp. Yes folks that's my Navy anniversary date and while I'm not still in the Navy, it still means a lot to me.

As the date comes and goes each year, I break my belief of "No Regrets." No, no that's not entirely true. I don't really regret my decision to get out, exactly. I had good reasons at the time and I know I made the right decision for my family at the time. Now almost 14 years later, I miss that life. And, even more so with our country still at war after several years.

I joined the Navy in search of a few things. First, I wanted to see the World, I wanted to grow up and mature because I was very immature and very sheltered in a way. Secondly, I wanted a job that I could be proud of. Oh don't get me wrong, I actually am very proud of my job at Burger King but it was a 'high school/early college" job and not one that I wanted to stay at long term. Then third, my ex-boyfriend.... first serious boyfriend who I have talked about in this blog and who I still talk to today..... he was leaving for college and I just really couldn't imagine leaving here without him (it was a kind of friends with benefits type of break-up....)

So what did I get? I lived in Milton, Fl working at Helicopter Training Squadron Eight which was probably the best place a person like me could have gone given some of the stories I heard of hazing and what not. Plus I got to be around helicopters and even went in them. Wow! Good times. I left there as a Yeoman Third Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist. But, I never really reached my goal of seeing the world. Oh well.....

Next place I went was Norfolk, VA to work for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic..... or NATO but just the headquarters here in the U.S. Here I worked for one of the best men to walk this earth. I really admired this guy. On July 14, 1998, he passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Kissed his wife good-bye as he was leaving, started to walk out the door and then dropped dead to the floor. It changed my Navy experience from then on. I still miss him. I have his stapler.... Long story that I will save for another blog entry. I left the Navy as Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist.

And, here I am after almost 6 years still wondering. Well I know partial what would have happened. I would have either gone to the USS Cole and would have been on it when it was hit in Yemen(did I spell that right?).... or I would have gone to Korea for one year without my family and then who knows.

So as September 9, 2006 draws near, I can't help but reflect and wonder and well mostly just smile.

Today was the day

So today was it: Court Date for the divorce. It will be official to the State of Texas Sept 15, 2006..... Almost exactly 13 years since we meet (Sept 23, 1993) So anyway. That's that.

Kind of a weird feeling really. Both good and bad. Good because I'm finally making me happy and well its about damn time I think of me first!!! Bad because..... well this is someone I don't really hate (oh I have some anger but not hate) and someone I have known for a really long time. There are only a few people outside of my family that I have known longer. But then its been a long time coming and we past the deadline for this a few years back.

So my motto has always been, "No regrets!" and this is definitely not a regret. not in the least!!!!

I am soooo freakin' happy today. I feel like dancing. Is that weird? Nay!!!!

Bye, Bye Love

I just watched this movie. If you have never heard of it, it came out in 1995 and has Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine and Randy Quaid as the main characters. Its about three divorced dad's and shows a weekend with their kids, and basically the ups and downs of divorce.

Now I have seen this movie before, many, many times. I really like it! But, I haven't watched it in more than a year maybe two years. It is very different watching it now since this is my life now.

Well sort of. I didn't realize how upset, angry and well bitter I am that he lives in Dallas. He can't see the kids often. In fact, the next time he sees them is in 2 weeks and he hasn't seen them in at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why he is okay with this. I mean I would go insane if I couldn't see my kids. I enjoy getting a break from them, but I would just miss them too much if I knew I wasn't going to see them for 4-5 weeks at a time.

I feel so guilty because I feel like I have really failed my kids by not making this work.... but ya know it wasn't me. I didn't fail. We tried much longer than we should have and maybe it would have been easier on them if we would have called it quits years ago. I usually live by the motto "No Regrets" so I won't really wish to go back in time and I will just do as I normally do and make the best of it.

But how do I answer my children's questions. Why? Why aren't you still with Daddy? Why isn't Daddy here? When will we see him? Why doesn't he call us? Why isn't he calling us back? It just breaks my heart and takes all my will power and strength not to tell them the truth. I just try to answer the best I can, give a little reassuring smile, a hug.... and then distract them with a game or send them out to play.

Ya know at the end of the day, I know that I am here. I am doing what is in their best interest. Reassuring them that I will be here for them. Giving them a stable life, or the best I can. He has made his choices and now he must live with it.

Meet and Greet

Sooo yesterday I final meet up with a guy I have been talking to for just about 2 mths. It went well. We meet for ice cream (milkshakes) and just sat outside chatting and watching the world go by.

It was nice after two strikes to get a nice guy that was fun to talk with and laugh with. He was exactly who I was expecting to meet which was REALLY nice, again after two strikes.

He is just really laid back and fun. No pressure. No expectations. This is all so refreshing because I don't need these things right now. I want to ... I don't know if its dating or what but anyway.... to date someone that is just fun, easy to talk to and we have a few things in common with. He fits in that perfect.

We are talking about meeting up again. I do hope we do because it was so nice and after the year I have had.... well it was just that's it... nice!

Depression

The following blog was inspired by an email to a friend. Some of the wording comes straight from the email.

Depression, it’s a funny thing. Okay not like ha, ha funny but strange.

Today for example, I'm in a good mood... sort of. I can feel the bit of depression just below the surface. Basically I could burst in to tears at any moment and for no reason. I freakin' hate this feeling!!!! Why can't I just be normal?? Or maybe this is normal...

And, really what is normal. Maybe I am normal. Maybe everyone feels this way, okay not everyone but a lot more people than will admit it. It’s not something people seem to talk a lot about and when they do it seems to be a shameful thing. Sure there are new ad campaigns out about “Depression hurts” (oh and let me tell you it sure the heck does) to promote awareness. But, ya know it just isn’t a normal conversation topic.

Like people will say things like “I think I’m coming down with something.” Or “I’m getting a cold.” Or even “Wow, I have the worst cold.” Why can’t we say things like this about depression? People also seem more quick to go to the doctor for a cold or flu but very hesitate and again almost ashamed to go for depression.

Yes I used to be one of those. But, ya know, its okay to admit you are depressed because if you don’t, how can you get help, nobody knows to help you and you can’t even help yourself out of it. Why is it such a bad thing to say we are depressed? Is it “Girl Interpreted” like to say you are depressed, as in you will be put in a hospital for it? Is this where the shame comes from? Because we, as a society, haven’t truly gotten passed that and don’t really know how to deal with it so rather than deal with the actual problem; ignore it, lock it up or call it bad.

Thinking Andrea Yates. My heart just breaks for them. Her, her family and those poor babies. She was very sick and if we were more aware of depression (in all forms) would this have been preventable? Maybe not but at least something….

Anyway, I could probably write about depression for pages and pages because it is something I know all too well and something I am passionate about . Maybe someday I will even write a Bestselling book all about depression….. Hey I can dream right?

Cooking

I need to cook more. What is wrong with me lately!? I haven't really cooked much in a long time or so it feels.

I used to cook just about every night with the occassional out to eat. Now it seems like we pick up or having something delivered more often than not. Or, I do something super easy like sandwiches, frozen pizza or something like this. Not really a meal and it takes no time at all.

Is it school? But, I have been in school for almost 4 yrs now and I was cooking during this time. But, then I think, I was staying at home (not work) for just over 2 years of that time so maybe that's it.

Is it my lack of motivation? I actually love to cook and my children are super picky, just like dad. It is frustrating and makes cooking no fun! Yep this could be part of it too.

Is it being single? Maybe this too because there isn't someone here (besides my children) that I'm cooking for... someone special. Ya know?

I think I'm going to set a goal for myself that I will start cooking more. I will set myself up to succeed. How? I will pre-cook items, like meats/chicken so that I can just heat and eat with some sides, like a salad and veggies. Then set myself up some easy, healthy desserts too so it seems more special. I think I will also teach the kids (the older two) how to cook. I know I was cooking around their age.

I really want to do this. I really need to do this. So it shall be....

Dating

Do I really want to do the whole dating thing?

While leaving work the other day, I was watching this guy who was walking out in front of me. He had a very unique, and I’ll just say it, strange walk that’s why it caught my eye. Kind of “George Jefferson” like…. (from the Jefferson’s TV Show)….

But something else happened in that moment, besides thinking “Who walks like that!?”….I realized something…. If I start dating more and then find a boyfriend, I have to learn all these things about him. The way he walks, what makes him laugh, his mannerisms, what are his pet peeves…. And on and on and on.

While this is par for the course in meeting people and dating, I just want to get to that comfortable, familiar place. I know, I know part of the fun is getting to know someone new and learning all these things out about them and they you. I guess it is more I want to be in that part of the relationship where it is still new but at the point where it is comfortable also, maybe 2-3, maybe even 4 months into it.

So I guess what I’m saying is I want my cake and eat it too.

5 More.....

.... classes that is!!!! I am about to finish a class and on Tuesday I will start a new one..... Meaning as of Tuesday I will only have 4 more!!!! (okay sort of).


I AM SOOOOOO READY TO BE DONE!!!!! But I'm just so proud of myself because of all the times I wanted to quit and didn't. Because of overcoming many obstacules (sp?) to finish and even more because I have a fairly good GPA.... currently 3.72 (hoping for a tiny bit higher before its all said and done).

For anyone that knows me well, I am the first to say that I did horrible in HS. Its no secret. It was a really struggle for me to get the Cs, Ds and Fs that I did get....with some Bs and even rarer was an A.

But, here am I only a few classes away from being a college graduate! Something I have wanted for sooo long and needed AND even more importantly have exceeded my own expectations for myself.

Now I just have to decide what to do about my Master's. I'm thinking I should do a ground school (go to a campus) to do this because maybe it will be taken more seriously than getting one online..... but I will say this.... I learn far better online than I ever have in a classroom. I'm too much of an introvert and get too distracted to learn well in a class environment.

My hope is that online colleges will become more accepted and more common so that I can continue with it because at the end of the day..... I know that I have truly learned a lot!!!!! More than I ever could in a class.

Tuesday

Well here it is Tuesday, Aug 8 2006. I can't believe how fast the year is flying by.

Soo much has happened this year already and so much more is to come!

I didn't have much to blog about but felt the need to write. I have been a bit of a wreck this past week or so. Depression hit me hard, out of no where or so it felt. It was nice not to be depressed for a while and now that it is over... I'm glad its over. I hate when I feel that way.

Many little (or big) stressors right now. The big one being money (Money isn't everything, but its a main focus when you don't have enough!). I was doing fairly well for a while. But, bam, car trouble. I mentioned that my car needs work.... well a new engine to be exact. How much is that you might be wondering? Well only.... $4000.... oh plus the rental car of roughly $300 for the week..... Sigh, just when I thought I might be able to afford to get away for a weekend or maybe even two. Ah well such is life.

No dating updates. No divorces updates. No kid updates. No school updates. No work updates.

So I am just going to sit here and daydream about winning the Lotto. Hey, someone is going to win, why not me?

Long time, no blog

Hello there. So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure you are thinking, Yeah duh!

Well I have been feeling the walls closing in on me again and I have fallen in a pit of depression. I haven't felt this way for a while and I was enjoying it.... but as it does, life caught up.

So the good is work is going great! I love my job! I'm so happy to have this job.

The kids are doing great. Starting school very soon. We are completely ready and K is going to start taking Strattra again so I'm crossing my fingers that the year is easier for all of us because of it.

Now the bad.... Car is in the shop... AGAIN! Needs a new motor, it had no oil pressure... I have no idea yet how much this is going to cost. The shop has to give me a price on Monday. It is undriveable so I have a rental car. Can I afford all of this??? NO!!!

Nor can I afford for the Geek Squad to come out and fix my computer but they will be here on Tuesday. I have no choice. My computer is messing up a lot and my school is online..... so the choice is spend an arm and a leg to get it fixed so I don't miss class. My GPA is high and I want to keep it that way....

Then the divorce is all messed up. I can't even talk about it... but I have been saying I am divorced because, well we haven't lived together in a year and he doesn't even live in this city. NOW it won't be officially official for who knows how long!!! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just want it to be over!!!

Dating. No updates. Still just chatting with one guy that I would love to meet. He seems really interesting and someone I have really enjoyed getting to know. Not sure where its going, if anywhere, but I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. All I want is someone to talk with and enjoy some laughs with, be it email or on the phone or in person....

I have talked with a few other people but nobody else that I am interested in. They seem like great guys but.... not for me... I just wish them luck in finding what they are looking for.

As for other things... my weight keeps going up and down and then up again.... currently going down. I just want it to be.... well something I can be happy with. I'm going to start doing the South Beach Diet again. Walk away the Pounds for exercise and I got a new video... bellydancing! It looks like fun and I have tried a few moves, but I'm sure I look something like a Hippo trying to dance. LOL!

So that's it. Just trying to snap out of my funk and just keep reaching for the stars!!!

New Postage Stamps

I know this really doesn't have anything to do with being single or being a mom BUT I'm soooo getting these new stamps.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060719/ap_en_ot/super_stamps

It goes with the whole TxGambit thing and also there is a whole story about 76 boxes of comic boxes that I used to live with.

Sooo I'm hitting the post office to pick these up tomorrow.

Why TxGambit?

My screenname.... The TX might be easy to figure out. Texas. But what's a Gambit?

It was the name of our first cat.... or I guess we had another cat for about a week before it went nuts and we had to give it up. So I guess our second cat was Gambit. Its also an X-men character if you were wondering.

So anyway, that's my screenname. TxGambit. Most everything else I would use has been taken but I like this one so I keep using it!

Life is funny....

..... said with lots of sarcasm. Sometimes it works the way we want, sometimes it doesn't.

Nuff said.

Miscellaneous

Things I like:
Play-Doh
Dollhouses
New crayons/coloring books
Slinky
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles
Hot Wheels or Matchbox cars
LEGOS!!!
Puppies

Things I dislike:
Bugs!
Spiders
Ants
Fleas
Did I mention bugs?
Snakes
Burnt popcorn smell! Yuck!
Rude people
Bad Drivers

Places I have lived:
Texas
Florida
Virginia
Back to Texas!
North Dakota
Back to Texas!

Mottos:

“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
“You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl.”
“Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it’s all in how you look at them.”
“No regrets!”
“Don’t write down anything you don’t want someone to read/know.”
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”

All my jobs:
Babysitting
Packing school supplies
Burger King
United States Navy: Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Air Warfare Specialist
Lockheed Martin: HR Assistant
Mobile Health Testing, Inc.: Quality Control Specialist
St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital: Capital Campaign Assistant
Degussa/Master Builder’s: Business Administrator
Chevron: HR Assistant

Best job:
Being mom

Worst job:
Being mom

Yes that is possible!!!!

Weird/interesting medical type stuff:
Birthmark had laser surgery in 1992 to remove part of it.
Cut my finger almost completely off when I was 4. You can almost not tell.
Burned the back of my hand….. LOOOOOOONG STORY!
Fell off the handlebars of a friend’s bike when I was a kid.
Got shot in the hand with a nail gun in 2003. It didn’t hurt as bad as you would think it would.


Well I hope you had fun learning some quick facts about me. I enjoyed writing it.

The Visit

Ex-h visited this weekend. Sometimes its weird for me to call him the ex. But at the same time, I realized I don't have those types of feelings for him anymore. What I mean is... I do love him.... but it is the "we have three kids and 12 years together" type of feelings. Make sense?

Anyway, it was a fun weekend and a nice visit. I hope that we can continue to get along and be friends of sorts because I think it is important for the children. It might seem weird to some but he and I have always been better at the friends part of our relationship not so much the typical married stuff.

He is asking if he can come again this next weekend, and honestly, I want a weekend just me and the kiddos. I told him I would think about it.

Besides!!! The dog show is this next weekend and he isn't an animal person. I want to go and enjoy myself!!!! Ha, ha.....

Short one this time - Don't you just hate....

Don't you just hate going to the restroom and when you go to wash your hands, someone has gotten the sink all wet!

Yep me too.

See told you it was short.... after my massive one from earlier!

Me.....

I have been thinking about my self esteem a lot lately. I feel that for the most part I am a confident person. But, for some reason I have a poor image of myself when I think of how other people see me. I have been reflecting a lot on why this might be. Bear with me while I ramble on trying to find the right words to express myself. This after all is why I have a blog, so that I may ramble on to try and express my feelings and sort through my life.

Anyway, here goes…. Keep in mind you have been warned that this could have no point other than my own self discovery and it will probably be really long!

Now I have been told that I do seem confident and sure of myself by many people. But, I don’t see it. See here is the thing for anyone reading that doesn’t know me or doesn’t know this about me. I suffer from anxiety attacks. What is that, you might ask? It isn’t like stage fright or nervousness, though I do call it that sometimes and it’s not really being shy, which again I call it that sometimes too. But, it is truly an attack that I cannot control. I know what things will set one off, at least for the most, and so I try to stay in my “comfort zone”. But things as simple as calling for a pizza or filling the car up with gas could set one off. And, I really just don’t understand that.

Meeting new people is the big thing that will just set me in to a huge attack. In 2003, I went to Chicago to meet friends of mine for a girl’s only weekend. Now keep in mind I had not met these people prior to this weekend. I belong to an online group of moms. So the first person I meet, I told her of this problem but told her to bear with me because it would go away shortly. After talking with her, I relaxed and felt the attack go. It wasn’t a bad one which surprised me because 1. I don’t fly often nor have I really flown much by myself. 2. I was going to a city I had never been to 3. I was meeting new people.

And recently with dating, I have now met two people from online dating services, so almost like a blind date. Both times I have had a mild attack… actually the first was really bad but I had talked with him about it prior to meeting and he was really cool about it and then very soothing when we meet. He didn’t try to hug me (second guy did, freaked me out!) or push me to talk right away. He was really patient. Second guy, like I said, hugged me right away and was like “you don’t talk much”. Umm, no.

Why am I writing this now? Because I’m going to met someone else new very soon. I don’t want to mess up the casual tone of our …. Umm… online chatting, I guess? by having an anxiety attack when we do finally meet. I also don’t feel comfortable yet to tell him (so just hoping he will read the blog and find out)…. which really is silly because he has been really easy to talk to and honestly I do feel comfortable talking with him. We do seem to have things to talk about and just seem to get along but that’s ONLINE! What about in person? I just don’t know and therefore I just hope I don’t have an anxiety attack the first time we meet because it could set the tone for potential future meetings…. If we were to choose to meet up again. I just don’t know and I don’t want to ruin anything a potential friendship or more. (not ready to define this at all yet or predict the future. Just enjoy it for what it is.)

So let me describe a typical attack. I start to feel like this “fight or flight” type of reaction. My heart starts to beat faster and faster, I get shaky, panicked a bit, like I just have to get the heck out of this situation (whatever it is). If I’m at a store and one happens, everything gets very tunnel vision like…. Like I can only see directly in front of me and everything around me is blurry. Sometimes my voice shakes or I can’t really talk, I can’t raise my voice to the point where people can hear me (Like whispering but I can’t make it get louder) or I might have the opposite problem, where my voice is just really loud and shaky. My breathing gets hard like someone is sitting on me. I might get cold or I might get too hot. Now not all of these happen each time, these are just the really bad ones. Usually I’m just a bit shaky.

I wish I could control this. I wish it was just that simple that I could think about it and it would stop. I have taken meds for it in the past but just don’t feel comfortable with that long term. My strategy is this:

- Stay in my comfort zone most of the time. (Routine is very good) My comfort zone is the Houston Area. Living in Fargo about killed me! (Oh and yes I was in the Navy but I didn’t really have this problem, or at least not like this…).

- But at times, force myself to do new things! Like meeting people. I rarely let these attacks stop me completely. I do try to push through it because I know the reward is on the other side. I had a great time in Chicago so much so I did it the next year too, but this time to Baltimore.

- I know my limits. I try to shop when I know there won’t be too much of a crowd and if I just can’t go into the new store today, I will try tomorrow.

Back to the point of self-esteem. I think this really influences it because it makes me worry that people will leave me or think that I’m strange for this and that why can’t I just control it? I can’t except with meds and I don’t feel comfortable with that long term but I have BTDT and I know it is an option if I were to get really bad. I have never been out of my mind with it. It’s just me shaking and nervous-like until I can get myself to relax. I can have normal thoughts and if my voice is okay, I can have a normal conversation. Unless you can tell that I’m shaking, most people probably won’t know. However, I might seem rushed or anxious though which might come off as rude or I might seem almost snobby because I’m just trying to hold myself together.

I hate this about me and if I had one wish right now…. Well I probably would waste it on getting a super model body but, if I had two wishes this would be my second wish… To not have anxiety attacks anymore!

Writing my Obituary

That probably sounds a bit morbid but stick with me to see what I mean…

Today I read a very nice obituary. Someone at work lost her mother recently. I was asked to order flowers for the service. I was given a copy of the obituary as a reference for the service information.

She sounded like such a wonderful and interesting person. One line from the obituary said, “Now don’t you wish you would have met her?” and I was thinking yes, yes I do wish I would have met her. And, that is the point of “writing my obituary.”

I actually have thought about this quite a bit lately because I feel like the last several years I have not been living my life but letting life direct how I live. I don’t have a true hobby or many friends that I just hang out with or a list of fun things that I do with my kids. I neglect to call my own grandmothers and never call my brothers first. I don’t talk much to my aunts, especially those I’m close too. My friends probably think I’m the worst because I can never just hang out and rarely call them. And basically if I can't do it online (like email) I don't.

I want all those things. I want to have BBQs at my house with several close friends and their children running around or babies being passed around and admired. I want to have a weekly game night with the kids, special picnics at the park or whatever else that they will remember when they are my age.

I want to do something spectacular that years from now people will remember me. I have big dreams and big ideas. These alone could put me on the map to being remembered and would lead to a great obituary!

There are so many things on my list; from writing a book to getting back in shape to traveling to opening my own business to just enjoying the little things to making get memories with my children to scrap booking all my pictures.

So what is stopping me? School, work, kids, house stuff, money, my own lack of motivation and my lack of time management skills which I used to say I was good at but for some reason nothing works anymore!

There is a song that Tim McGraw performs called “Live like you were dying”. This is kind what I’m talking about. The story of the song is a guy finds out he has cancer and is having a conversation with someone who asks what he did when he found out…. The guy says “I went skydiving; I went rocky mountain climbing…..” And on and on a list of things he did.

Live each day like it was your last, make it full, make it memorable. Stop and smell the roses and share that with someone you love (No this is not a line from the song but my own thoughts).

I want to set a goal for myself, right now, that I will start writing my obituary… live like I was dying…. leave a legacy. So that one day someone will read about me, my actual obituary, and say “I wish I would have met her.”

Divorce Sucks

With the divorce, comes new hope but if some of us can't get past the hurt, then what?

So K is doing really bad with this. She has done and said everything I would expect and then some. I feel so bad because I never went through this like she is now. My parents never got a divorce and are still together today.....

She has said I cannot date, get remarried and has threatened to be rude, mean and hurt anyone I date, etc. There has been more but that's the bulk of it.

So fast forward to this morning. She was asleep on the couch. I was on the computer which is in the same room.... She starts talking and crying in her sleep. She was crying for her daddy. Then I woke her and she was just crying so hard saying she had a bad dream.

This freakin' sucks!!!! I don't want her to hurt so badly.

Divorce sucks.....

School

I don't think I have talked much about school yet, if at all. I have been attending University of Phoenix online since November 2002. I will finish February 2007.

It has been an adventure that isn't quite over yet. I have taken so many classes from Algebra to History to Ethics to .... well here is the list of what I have taken so far....

SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING I
CONTEMPORARY ISSUES IN AMERICAN BUSINESS
COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR CAREER GROWTH
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING II
WRITTEN COMMUNICATION
ESSENTIALS OF COLLEGE WRITING
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS I
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS II (5 WEEK COURSE)
CRITICAL THINKING
MANAGEMENT: THEORY,PRACTICE, APPLICATION
ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR
CRITICAL THINKING: STRATEGIES IN DECISION MAKING
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION I
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION II
COMPUTERS AND INFORMATION PROCESSING
EMPLOYMENT LAW
ECONOMICS FOR BUSINESS I
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS I
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS II
MARKETING
PUBLIC RELATIONS
ETHICS IN MANAGEMENT
ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND ETHICS
THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE SINCE 1945
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IN THE WORKPLACE
GLOBAL BUSINESS STRATEGIES
QUALITY MANAGEMENT AND PRODUCTIVITY
E-BUSINESS
INTERDISCIPLINARY CAPSTONE COURSE


Its a long list! I just have a few more and then I'm finished. Currently I am in a history class and having a really hard time with it. I love history normally but for reason I can't get in to it this time around. At least there are only a few more days and on Tuesday... I will be in a whole new class! I just have to finish my portion of the team assignment, participate in the class discussions for the next 3 days and write my weekly summary. Done.

That's the beauty of these online classes. They are each only 5 weeks long so by the time I have had it, its over.

I am so ready to move on with my life and not be in school. I feel like I'm missing so much of life right now! And, I'm just counting down the days until I have that degree in hand and I'm free. What will I do with my time? Maybe I'll get around to writing my book.... but that's a whole different topic and not to be discussed today. ;)

Kids are home!

They were gone two days shy of 2 weeks but it seems like much longer and yet, no time at all. They all seem bigger, older and wiser some how. I missed them so much and was so happy to see them.

Ya know, its time like this that I am so thankfu for them. I am glad that I am with them and they are with me. I also think of people that have children yet do not love them, abuse them and/or just in general neglect them. It is so sad to me that someone could not want their children.... some people have children and just abandon them.

I missed my children and just wasn't myself without them. I just can't imagine not having them with me all the time... or at least most of the time.

Friends with kids

Last night I went over to my friends' house. They have a new baby. This is what gave me the idea for this blog!

Many of my friends have had kids before I met them. But, its the ones you know before kids that I want to talk about. It is different this way.

So backup a little, I met them almost 6 years ago. We all worked for the same company. The cutest couple ever and you could just tell how much they loved each other. Of course they got married, . Then just a few months ago had their first baby. I always thought they would be good parents. But, ya know, it is never how you picture it. They are so cute!!! Of course the baby is just adorable but to watch them, these people that I knew prior to, now with this cute little baby. Wow. It is just amazing. They aren't just good parents, they are great and this little boy is going to be a great kid and person because of them.

Then I have another friend. I have known her since 5th! I credit her with teaching me all the "bad" words. Ha! Anyway, she now has two little boys. I always knew she would have kids and its so neat to hear her talk about them. One has special needs and she has just taken it in stride. I mean, what can you do but just keep on move'on. I admire her strength.

Then there is my ex-boyfriend from HS. He is now married with kids. Its so hard to think of this person that used to sneak out of the house to meet me, now raising two children and actually <> being a grownup! His son is disabled. And, again, this is one family that I just admire because I just can't imagine how they do it. Its just amazing to me the strength and dedication it must take.

And, the last is a friend that I had from the Navy. We were actually pregnant with our first together. We both had girls and we learned to be moms together. I know I learned from her and I hope that she learned some things from me. That was a neat friendship and I still value her today, though the distance between us makes it hard sometimes. I do still think of her as my best friend. She now has four children and the youngest has special needs.

So that's it. I'm just amazed by all my friends. Their strength and caring and love for their children! I hope to learn more about my friends, especially the new parents, as I watch them grow with their children.

Hug your babies!

One more day.....

Just one more day and my babies come HOME! Hurray.

And, I have learned that I can be away from them and be okay. I didn't actually do much for or by myself but it was still nice to have free time in the evening. I hadn't realized how much time it takes to just care for them.

I wouldn't trade it for the world!

My Brothers

I don't know if my brothers were always so important to me. I like to think so and actually I do remember that they were, but for some reason as an adult I really value them more.

In Sept 92, I left for the Navy. I was 19, bro #1 was 17, bro #2 was 15.

In Dec 93, I got married. Bro #1 got married in May. Bro #2 was just in HS and was shocked by us all.... okay maybe not but he didn't get married!

In Jan 1999/Dec 1998 timeframe, Bro #1 and Now-ex-SIL cut off contact with our family. And, yes that is exactly what it sounds like. They moved and did not tell anyone in our family where. They asked that nobody contact them, call or anything. (They had just had their 3rd child)

It wasn't until 5-6 yrs later that he would come back in the "family circle".

In the meantime, I'm still in the Navy from 1992-2000. My parents move from H-town to Colorado, in 1996. In 1998/9, they decided to move back here! (Right before the contact was cut off, I think?!). Bro #2 meets and falls in love with his wife! (She is awesome).

In 2000, we move back after I get out of the Navy. I move back and my brothers aren't around. It was weird. Bro #2 visits and we talk on the phone but gosh it isn't the same. He has changed so much and has turned out to be this great guy! Everyone should have someone in their lives like him. He is a great husband and a great father.

So in Aug 2003, we move to North Dakota... Yuck. Live there until July 2005 and the kids and I move back. By this time, Bro #1 is in the Army and the kids are spending a lot of time getting to know my parents and family which is soooo GREAT! My bro changed so much, for the good, now that he is in the Army and actually being divorced has helped a lot too, I'm sure. Ya know when two people aren't just made to be together. She is happier and he is happier and at the end of the day, that's what matters.

This last year has been so great. Christmas 2005 was the first time both my brothers and I have been together in YEARS! I don't even know, maybe Christmas 1992 when I was fresh out of boot camp, or maybe it was 1993 but whatever, it was a long time. Then today I will get to see Bro #1 for the first time in maybe 14 yrs for his birthday. Yes today is his 31st b-day. Hence the reason I felt the need to write about my brothers.

I really value them and they are both great people. I'm so proud of how they have turned out. It took Bro #1 going in the Army but ya know, I had to join the Navy to grow up and I feel I still have some work to do.... how boring would it be if we were all done growing up.... ah, I feel a new blog topic coming on!

"Have you talked to the kids?"

In a word... NO. I'm not sure why and even more strange is that I don't feel the need to talk to them. That sounds bad, let me explain! I guess I figure this is a rare chance with their dad and even more rare with his parents and sister. I don't want to distract or disturb them. I think if I call then they will get sad because K already was feeling guilty over leaving me and I had to tell her I would be fine and well I am. The boys might be okay if I called but ya never know what you get with L. He might be okay but then later start crying. He is just 4 so its still okay!

They will be back on Friday so just a few more days and the most important thing I have learned is.... I'M BORING!

I had all these plans and then just haven't felt like doing anything. So in a way, I have done what I wanted. I did have hot wings one night. I can't always do that with the kids because K is the only one that actually eats them, the boys will want something else so I end up spending way too much. $12 and I had enough for two meals.

Also I cleaned. Still have some things to do but it is cleaner than normal! I think it actually smells clean! Big bonus.

No new plans for excitement. Heck I don't even think I'm going to do anything on the 4th and I get Friday off too! Have I mentioned I LOVE my new job!? No? I LOVE IT!

So to answer the world. No I haven't talked to my kids. I do not plan to call them and yes I'm okay with that!

Clothing and the fashion challenged

My name is EJ and I’m fashion challenged. I have very limited clothing because I end up by things that look like crap or I ruin them in the wash (I’m laundry challenged too). But, in an effort to dress better, I have bought some nice things.

Today is a black sweater set (tank and cardigan style) with a long silver/gray skirt. It’s really cute actually. Here is my problem which has nothing to do with the actual fashion of the item, lint and cat hair! Yes folks, black clothing I have issues with because I have long haired cats, oh they are mostly white too. I also seem to be a magnet for that dusty lint that just makes you look at…. Slobby, I guess is the right word. I know everyone can see it and the more I try to get it off, the more I seem to attract.

I really need to go on What Not to Wear because I need help and maybe I need to shop at some of those “high-end” stores they are always showing because maybe then I won’t attract so much lint, dust and cat hair….. because I will be spending so much, right??

Next time we will discuss my challenge with laundry!

Dating Updates

It seems I have left some dating loose ends. So I mentioned a guy that I wanted to email and then did and then waited for…. NOTHING. He never emailed back but ya know its fine really, it turned out okay because there is another guy that I’m chatting with and really that’s all I want. Some person to talk to and get to know. Not sure how serious he is about moving it forward at some point, because frankly it’s too soon for that. He is a nice guy so far and seems to have some interests that would be fun to know more about! One just happens to be something that my grandfather (paternal grandfather that we lost last summer) used to do and I have always been very fascinated with it since I was just a tiny girl. So crossing my fingers that it works out to be a little more than chatting but have no intention of rushing it because that just leads to my next story….

I was talking with someone else and had actually met said person. Sometimes things just don’t work. Not for any other reason than it wasn’t a match. He wanted more, faster than I wanted more and he is a nice guy but I don’t want to pushed, though I seem pushy and rushed to date. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes but not to define our relationship/friendship exactly and just have fun and laughs without strings.

Sounds like I want my cake and eat it too… Ah well, that’s my update. Again, dating sucks….

The phone call

Since the kids are with dad, I have been waiting for that phone call. The one that starts with “There has been an accident….” And ends with me dropping dead on the floor… Okay not so dramatic (I just don’t know where K gets it!) but here is the thing. While I tend to be more laid back about things like toys all over the house or ice cream in the car (have ya seen those pics?). He tends to be a little less, what’s the word… watchful maybe? Or less safety aware or some something that makes me fear for my children’s safety. Ya see here is the thing again; they take after me in that they tend to be accident prone, especially oldest son. And, then the girl is just more dramatic about any injury or illness making it really hard to determine if she is truly in pain and needs to seek medical attention or not. Then of course the other son just turned 4 and because he such older siblings, doesn’t always realize limitations.

So here I am happily sitting at work and I get a call that starts with a much panicked voice, “It’s an emergency!” What? Oh my gosh (OMG). “L says his toothbrush is not his but he has a different one.” WTF! Are you kidding me? “He is saying you will say yes. Will you talk to him?” Um sure. L use the toothbrush. “I don’t want to” Sorry you have to, can I talk to your dad again. ….. This is not an emergency and I’m at work. “It was an emergency.” He is not going to brush his teeth with that toothbrush right now, it is not a big deal to let him calm down (he is stubborn like… well honestly both myself and ex-h, so that’s not good)… He can brush his teeth later. “Okay”

Now I have probably done this a few times myself, called when it wasn’t an emergency but for the record I would never start with “It’s an emergency”, I would have said, “I need your help….” I know we all have moments that we just can’t handle. So that is how my day is going.

One emergency averted!

Dating sucks

Period. There is nothing else to say about it.

Okay so I got the nerve up to email that guy. Now waiting to see if he actual replies. I don't know if I said it in my last entry but I think I had emailed him once before but it was back in April when I first started looking and my profile was really lame. I just rewrote it lately. I think it finally sounds like me and so if he doesn't reply that's fine because I now feel like I know what I want and who I am.

Even ex-h has noticed that my confidence is coming back and he even noticed that I have lost weight! Now that is HUGE because he was always telling me how fat I was... Nice, huh? There is a good reason we are getting a divorce. Ha, ha! But, he noticed and that makes me feel great and makes me want to go work out! Whoohoo.

But, I'm into taking risks right now. Trying hard to step out of what is my norm and what is comfortable but it sucks because its really hard for me. Anyone that knows me well, knows I suffer from anxiety and mostly if I stay in my comfort zone, I can get through life with only minor set backs. But, dating is just really hard and about putting yourself out there.

Soooo anyway, I emailed the guy that I would really like to date and if he doesn't reply will that's fine because I tried and that just means he wasn't the right one! I'll move on and see if I can catch the attention of one of the others I have emailed also!

Dating sucks!!!

Today

So my babies have gone with their dad for the next few weeks. What to do? What to do?

Today I have not done too much. Mostly wandered around and watched TV. Also did some surfing on the net. Saw a guy on one of those dating websites that I would be interested in contacting but honestly, haven't had the best luck with that.

I look at it this way though, the right one hasn't come along yet.

Also today is my daughter's 12th b-day. Wow, 12. I can't believe I have had someone so long. She is so special to me.

Well I guess I need to get back to my busy schedule of.... watching more TV and who knows, maybe I'll get the nerve to email this guy and see if anything happens.

Two more days

On Sunday my kids will go with their dad for a 2 week trip. This will be the longest I have ever been away from my babies. It is sad but I think I'm ready. No wait, I know I am. I really need the break. I can come home and just worry about me, get schoolwork done or just sit very still and listen.... to nothing!

I also would like to try and get out more these next couple of weeks. No point sitting around and waiting..... waiting for?? I don't know.

So I'm counting down the time until Sunday. Of course, my baby girl will turn 12 on Sunday also. Wow. Where does the time go? Little man L will be 4 on Saturday, tomorrow!

June 22, 2006

Today is HIS birthday. It is a little strange but I did call to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Something weird happened this week. I think I have gotten a little more comfortable with things.... not over it and I'm sure there will be more bumps to come, but I feel like I'm .... happier with this decision. And, again, I realize its the right thing but there is such a mix of feelings involved in this that I just truly didn't understand before now. I thought if you want a divorce, you just want it and cool. But, I guess that isn't always the case and even in the most mutual of situations, it can hurt.

Sooo today, I wish him a Happy Birthday. At the end of the day, I truly wish him happiness and we both deserve that.

Random

I feel like writing a blog but I can't think of just one interesting topic to write about so I'm just going to write everything that comes to mind. So bear with me as I ramble on about nothing and everything. Maybe like an episode of Seinfeld.

You have been warned! Turn back now….

Still here? Okay here are the random thoughts for today….

Today is Father's day. I'm back in Houston this year but where is my dad? On his way to England. He just got back from a business trip to Venezuela. I haven’t even seen him yet. Oh well, I know there are many, many people not able to see their dad today and he wasn’t here for my Birthday either. He travels a lot for work. I did talk to him this morning. We talked about when he started traveling. I said he has been traveling almost as long as I can remember but that I did remember a time when he didn’t travel for work. My brothers and I used to run up to the corner when we knew he would be on his way home from work and then he would stop and pick us up. I used to love that!

My children are probably not going to see their father today either. He is in Dallas getting on with his life. (Maybe I should post one of my fave Bowling for Soup songs!, later)….. They tried to call. That was an hour ago and he didn’t answer nor has he called back. Hope he is happy with his choice.

I cleaned like a manic yesterday. I’m allergic to dust. I woke with a killer headache. It would be worth it if the house actual looked clean but alas, the children ensure that I have job security as a maid. Ha, ha!

Then for Match.com…. It’s not working. I’m getting frustrated but at least my subscription runs out on Friday. I plan to hide my profile again then workout like a mad woman, buy a new camera and rejoin later on when I look and feel better, and can put up some much better pics! And, hey, who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone in the meantime without the aid of an online dating service.

You may be wondering why I feel the need to rush into another relationship. I don’t really want to be in a relationship but would like to date. To me dating is going out to dinner, maybe a movie or something and kind of just meeting different people. I want to meet a few guys and see who is out there. I do not want to jump into a relationship unless in the off chance one of them just is perfect for me. Then I would try to take it slow from there. Before getting married, I dated a lot of guys!!! It was all in a relatively short time too.

Let’s go back there shall we? First boyfriend was freshman year HS. He was sweet but one of those guys that probably didn’t make it too far. He introduced me to kissing. I love to kiss. Then I guess I dated another guy. He was my first… and as it turns out was actually dating someone else and I didn’t know. Dumped him really quick. Then there was a guy much older than I was. I was 17 and he was 24. Okay so not that much older but I realize now the difference between me at 17 and him at 24 was big. Now I could date someone 7 years older and the difference would be very little. He would probably remember more of the 70s and had a different experience during the 80s than I did but that’s probably it. Then there was my first really serious boyfriend (HI, I know you read this!)… Wow. I was so in love with him. I just knew we would be together forever. Life is so funny and I just can’t help but think of Garth Brooks at a time like this. ‘Unanswered Prayers’ We dated for 10 mths, broke up but still saw each other for just over a year more. He was leaving for college so I joined the Navy. I couldn’t stand the thought of living here and him not being here too. I sort of dated a few guys after he and I broke up but really opened the door once I was in the Navy.

So quick update. I had 4 boyfriends and about 4-5 casual things before the Navy. So that’s let’s just say 9…. It was Sept 9, 1992 when I entered the Navy. I was married Dec 1993. Between that time I had two boyfriends and the rest were casual boyfriends. Mostly other young Sailors, new to the Navy and probably all just as homesick and confused as me. There were a few that were not new and wow, one I was head over heels in lust for. He was a big disappointment (or I should say little! disappointment if you get my meaning.)

There is just one guy on my mind that I wonder about often. My Junior High crush. I had the hugest crush on him until he moved Junior Year of HS. I would just like to know what kind of man he turned out to be. Is he married? Does he have kids? Did they get his beautiful blue eyes? What is his job? Does he ever wonder about me?

Ah well, life is funny for sure. I’m 33 and I really can’t believe how weird life has turned out for me. It is not at all the way I thought it would be right now. The kids I thought I would have, but thought it would be 4. They are great kids! Earlier my boys were fighting but now they are drawing pictures for me. The girl is sleeping. She was awake earlier but I think with summer she is staying up way too late and my efforts to wake her in the morning are met with much drama. It’s not worth it.

So that’s my rambling and random thoughts for this Father’s Day.

Getting back to normal...

I'm trying to pull myself together and get back to normal. But, really what does that mean?

My normal is different now but I guess just feeling right again. For so long I have been with this other person and been this wife and "a couple" and all these things I'm not anymore. So who am I? I don't know and maybe that is why I feel to disconnected and why I can't get a date (ha, ha) and why life just feels like chaos.

I now have one piece of my life in place: job. I'm slowly getting my body into shape and I know I could do this a lot better (eat a bit better). I have a few more things on my list that I need to get in line but slowly, slowly....

But, if you are out there, self, come back or give me a call so I know where you are. In the meantime, I'm looking and hey, maybe I'll discover a whole new me.

Settle for a Slowdown

This song really says how I feel about my divorce..... I love it!

Settle For A Slowdown
Dierks Bentley

I must look just like a fool
here in the middle of the road
standing there in your rearview
and getting soaked to the bone

this land is flat as it is mean
a man can see for a hundred miles
So I'm still praying
I might see the glow of a brake light.
But your wheels just turn,
down the road ahead
If it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

I held on longer then I should
Leaving you might change your mind
those bright lights of Hollywood would fade in time.

But your wheels just turn down the road ahead
If it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

But your wheels just turn down the road ahead
if it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
your just a tiny dot on that horizon line
come on tap those brakes baby just one time
I know there's nothing stopping you now
Im not asking you to turn back around
I'd settle for a slowdown
come on just slow down
I'd settle for a slow down.

This is probably normal.... right?

I had a little emotional set back today. Ex-H told me someone asked him out and he said yes. Now he has every right in the World to start dating. Heck I have been on one so far but I don't know why but I freaked a bit! I am sick to my stomach, shaking, dizzy.... I'm completely heartbroken at the thought. No that isn't the right word.... Just like it hit me again, this is over.

I think this is normal. Oh I hope it is normal. What I think is I will move on just fine but it was just a shock.

I GOT IT!

Soooo the job I thought I didn't get, well I didn't get it the first time, but the person that was hired took another job so I'm in! I don't care how I got it, just that I got it. I start on Wednesday!

Can you say excited? Finally I feel like my luck is turning. Slowly oh so slowly and I'm okay with that. I will get these pieces in place, if not on my timeline at least in time.

Tomorrow I will be training another temp to do the job I'm doing and then I'm free to go!!!

I know there was more I wanted to say about it but I can't even think.

Off to study history now since I have an assignment due. At least it just has to be typed, all the research is done.

When I grow up....

When I grow up. This is something I remember thinking about a lot as a child. When I grow up I'm going to be, well, a lot of things.....

A teacher, maybe, or a scientist. Those were my two biggest. I always thought I would be a good teacher and I guess as a mom I'm a teacher. A scientist, well I had no idea what that really meant. I knew a little because I read books, lots of books. I loved learning about animals so I thought maybe a Zoologist or Biologist or something like that. But, I just knew I wanted to do something fun that I would enjoy doing everyday or at least most.

I also would think about where I would live. I thought it would be some trendy apartment with a view of the city. A small balcony where I would drink coffee or wine, and look at the other buildings. I would have "grown up" furniture. What does that mean anyway? Well I thought of two decorating styles. One would be so ultra modern, guests would come over (for my latest party) and everything would be so modern people wouldn't really know what was furniture and what was art, is it all art? The other would be dark woods and leathers, heavy pieces that look like, well I'm not sure, a library?I would have attended college, then work for some law firm or advertising company, forget for a second that I really wanted to do something else.

This is what I thought "grown ups" did. I would always have these great parties where everyone laughed and had a great time. I would have this really close knit circle of friends, think Friends. We would get away for the weekend to the beach or go skiing.I would then marry someone from my hometown, buy a house, have children, get a dog and a cat. Holidays would be grand affairs, everything perfectly decorated. The kids would wear matching holiday outfits. Our families would be there and everyone would be laughing and drinking wine, while all the children chased each other and giggled. Sometimes an uncle or grandfather would tease them as they ran by.

Sounds like something straight from a movie. Well, yes it does. I do think some people might have this type of life but I don't. Now don't get me wrong my life is great but it not "Leave it to Beaver" more like "Roseanne". But a little mess, a little dysfunction is fun!

Being a single mom...

... and the key word there is single because I think I have the mom part down for the most part anyway. Though there are new daily challenges, I have learned where to find answers, techniques and most importantly is how to be flexible...... anyway, single mom, I'm nervous, I'm scared and most of all I'm excited! Though we didn't work out, I feel good that there is someone else out there for me. Maybe someone who will treat me the way I want and deserve. Some days I feel like I failed and others I know it isn't my fault... it just didn't work. Then I will hear someone say, "marriage is hard and you have to work at it." or "never give up" or whatever else. Well I have been there, done that. That is one reason we were married for so long. It really should have and almost ended years ago. But I really felt like a failure like I was missing something because I couldn’t make my marriage work. But it is neither his fault nor mine. We just weren’t made for each other, period.

Bottom line is that I should be happy and so should he. I am just looking forward to the next adventure out there.

Cleaning

I hate cleaning. No, I don't just hate it, I detest it. I abhor it. I loathe it…

Being a working mom, a single mom with three kids and a student the house gets really messy during the week because I have little time for it. I get home from work, check my classroom (I love going to school online), then try to make dinner as fast as possible while the kids are whining about being hungry or worse fighting or worse yet they are bored and want me to entertain them. I love them but I have burnt too many dinners, wasted too much money by getting distracted by their cuteness. Ha! Then clean up dinner, play with kids a bit, then its schoolwork. Since the little one still sleeps with me, I have to go to bed when he does so I have until 9 to get everything done…. Many times, I just get back up once he is out; sometimes I don’t make it because I’m out cold. (I do know that he needs to start sleeping in his bed, it’s a goal to be completed by the end of this summer).

The other reason I’m desperate to get the house clean, well not just clean but cleaned out, is because we will be moving to another house in July. On one hand, I’m excited because it is a little bit nicer house, yet just as small with a smaller yard. But on the other hand, it is overwhelming because of all the things that have to happen between now and then. I also need to remember to update all the addresses everywhere. The kids’ schools, my school, the doctors’ offices, all the bill collectors (or maybe not!)…. It will get done and then I have no plans to move again for several years.

I guess I have stalled long enough. I had better get in gear to clean. I have promised (or bribed) the kids we would play Uno if they clean!!! I’m such a great mom!

One day at a time

Lately I have been reminded of a few things that make me realize how temporary and/or petty my stressors are.

The lack of job or the divorce are both life changes and stressful, but I can deal and move on. They are temporary and soon I will have a job and be okay with being divorced. They are temporary.

Moving again soon is just in general a pain. Changing everything, packing, moving, unpacking and getting resettled. All temporary and petty.

Lonely, lack of friends (well here in town, hanging out friends), boredom all petty and silly to let them get me down.

Each day I get up and put on a smile, try to think positively. Each day I say, "Today is a new day." But by the end of the day, I am just overwhelmed, miserable and I'm surely not smiling.

I feel very chaotic in my life right now and my skin. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to really enjoy life. Nothing feels right or good.

Its then that I realize I'm depressed.... and I just have to take it one day at a time, hopefully things will settled sooner rather than later.... but until then I will smile.

Six Flags Astroworld

Astroworld has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It closed after this past season and it isn't just closed but GONE. That's right where coasters and cotton candy machines used to be is just dirty and weeds now. It will soon be apartments, shops and whatever else they can think to fit on that land.

I remember the first time I heard of Astroworld. My parents and my Aunt were going. I was just a kid, not sure my exact age between 5-7. They were young too. I just thought they were so cool and couldn't wait to be big enough to go too. Heck maybe I was but I just thought it was for big people.

Then a year or two or three (I'm not sure)later I was going to Astroworld. Oh my gosh, I wish I could put to words the way I felt. Excitement, nervousness and well....excitement! The sights, the sounds, the smells. It was wonderful. The rumble of coasters, the scream of excited/scared people decending over the hill of the Texas Cyclone and then just going full speed around turns and up/down.

I rode my first rollar coaster, saw my first concert (George Strait), stood in line for an hour or more just to ride new rides and old favorites (Greased Lightening and The Texas Cyclone). Went to Fright Nights (Halloween of course). Made memories with my parents, my brothers, cousins, friends, boyfriends and even my now ex-husband. I never did get the chance to take my own kids... that was the plan for this year but too late now.

Over the years, rides changed, games changed, foods changed, people changed, but the excitement was always the same, the sounds, the smells were always the same.

I drive past this site everyday now on my way to my temp job. Yesterday traffic was bad and I was stopped there for a long time. I just can't believe its gone. On the bridge from the parking lot to the park there are still a few Halloween Globes over the lights from the Last Fright Nights.

But you know what isn't gone, the memories.

Weird Dream

I had a weird dream last night and I really want to get it down somewhere before I forget. Its really not the type that you would forget but just in case.

I'm not really sure where I was in the dream, just with my family (kids, folks, aunts, cousins). It seemed like we were in a field where they were building more houses but for some reason it was a house that we were in, but not really.... okay yes weird.

Anyway, I saw a rose across the field/room that I wanted to go smell. When I got there my great-grandmother was sitting near it so we admired it together. She passed away just before my daugther was born. I miss her a lot. K's eyes are shaped like hers. So we hug and start talking, it was a hug like we haven't seen each other in a long time. After a little "catching up" she says, "I'm very worried about you. You are so special and I'm just worried about you being without a job and you're sad, lonely." I hug her and tell her I'll be okay and that I'm in school finishing my degree which will hopefully help in the long run. We talk a little more about it but I can't really hear what she is saying, just bits and pieces. We hug a little more and my mom comes to get me for something and I turn around, she was gone. But, I saw her again a few minutes later and we hugged one more time and she said a few things that I couldn't hear very well but I could just hear her voice, knew she was talking, trying to tell me something......

Soooo it has left me with this weird feeling, not a bad feeling, but just weird.... Was she really talking to me? Is she in the after life watching and worried? Now this type of thing has happened in the past, where she or my great-grandfather will come talk to me but it has always been different. Just talking but not like actual worry.

I'm just not sure what to think but if you are out there, Bips, I will be okay.... Truly I will. I just have to get my feet under me again. Thanks for checking on me. I love you and miss you very much. Give Pop a hug and kis s from me.

Match.com

I decided to put myself out there again. Why? I'm lonely! Plus someone at my temp job is getting married on the 9th. Where did he and his new bride meet? Yep Match.com.

No, no. I'm not looking to get remarried. Heck we only JUST signed the papers. I'm just so ready to date. I think I'm a great person to know. I have flaws, but who doesn't?

I had hid my profile on Match and today rewrote it and once its ready, I'm going to unhide and see what happens. Just want someone new to talk to, who is interesting in getting to know me (hey maybe I should say that!!!).

I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I hate rejection. I love/hate meeting new people. Those that know me, know I suffer from anxiety attacks. They can get really bad sometimes.... which is a whole other story that I can go into later!

So wish me luck on this current venture. And, I just keep saying, my luck will change. Everything was smashed and now I can just move forward, right?!

Temp Job

Yesterday I got a call early in the morning... after a late night partying with the kids. Okay not really, daughter had a friend spend the night and we were all up late. I didn't think I would get a work call like this so what the heck.

Back to Friday morning. I get the call but am told hang out to see what time they might want me over there. We talk back and forth all morning. It got to the point that I figured that I wasn't going to get a call.

And, then I did. 10:30 could I be there at 12.... Umm, sure! Now here is my list of stuff to do: Get Logan to day care (this could be the plot of Mission Impossible 4), Get over to the staffing office to fill out the last of my paperwork that we just realized I would need done, and then figure out where the heck I'm suppose to go. I do it with ease, though leaving my little boy after dragging him out of the house was hard! But, I did it. Even stopped at Sonic (drive thru, fast food) to get a drink. I had a headache so needed to take something plus I'm addicted. Thankfully the company I was going to was right across the street from the staffing company.

Get in and realize....... I forgot to put on deodorant. Yes folks, that's right! Its Houston and its hot almost year round, at least hot enough to warrant the need for deodorant every single day. So I get to the waiting area, they had me sit down so I do but then ask, where's the restroom. Down the hall. I head down to the restroom... try the door knob, its locked. Crap! So I go have a seat and then get up a few minutes later and go try again. Its still lock so for some reason this time I push.... DUH! Its not locked. I feel like an idoit. I wash my face, put my make-up back on quickly! Go in the stall and just try to wipe myself off (I know!!).... Go back out and I hear the ladies at the front desk say "She just disappeared." then they stop short when I walk back in so I know it was me. They tell me the lady I'm suppose to meet will be up soon she just had to run a quick errand and was on her way back. Great.

I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait.... Finally here she is and we are off! I couldn't wait to get away from the ladies at that desk. I was so embarassed.

All in all it was a great day. Just enough time there to get familiar with the offices, the layout, get my badge, learn a few helpful things and then get the heck out! Did I mention I'm getting paid very well for this? $2 more per hour than I have made thus far. Totally worth it!

There is a slim chance this could turn permanent or I can try to apply for jobs around the company to see if I can get on with them somehow. Cross your fingers because except for the women I embarassed myself in front of, it seems like a great place. The building is beautiful on the inside!

I didn't get it and....

.... we signed the divorce papers today. So they will be filed soon.

Now if I could only get a job!!! Things can't continue like this. I have to get something, SOON!

I think I need to practice.... "Do you want fries with that?"