Busted!

So the guy I have been talking to (I should give him a cool nickname!) read my blog. I had told him about it and sent him the link, I don’t know actually when, a while ago… a month or more, maybe? Anyway, so he final read it. LOL! I’m busted…. Just kidding. I don’t really mind at all or else I wouldn’t have sent him the link. I also have a rule about not writing stuff that I don’t want people to read.

This is actually kind of funny to me because a few of things I have written, I have wanted him to read because I have been to chicken to bring them up or some of it I thought he might get a kick out of getting to know me, kind of. I’m soooo passive aggressive or just passive or just aggressive, I can never remember which. But basically I would rather someone find out indirectly about things…. I’m getting a little bit better at speaking my mind but some things; I’m just not ready yet.

This is one of them. Now in my “Meet and Greet Part 3” blog entry, I don’t know if I got my true point across. So this entry is just in case he reads it again AND so I can maybe sort out my thoughts more before he and I discuss (we agreed to discuss this in person).

Anywho, to start, what we have talked about it is neither of us are looking for a serious relationship. Oh so true for me! But, then my point in my original blog was, what is serious? I have no idea! Given my past (ha, ha) 3 mths is serious…. But this doesn’t feel like that and I am definitely in a different place in my life, definitely older and wiser, and a place where serious just doesn’t work for me. So far this has been casual and a friendship. It’s exactly what I want and need.

Now with that said, I want to just discuss with him that we are both on the same page with this. And what does he think serious is…. Just because I’m curious what he thinks. I still don’t really know what I think serious is…. What is it?

Then I had listed the things I want in a relationship. This could apply to any relationship; my parents, kids, friends, future boyfriend(s), co-workers even (okay maybe not affection for this last one)….. But, really you have to have many of those qualities in a relationship and I haven’t always been great about making sure I surround myself with “good” people.

In my other entry, I also said things like, “I don’t want to scare him off” “I don’t want to be clingy, needy”…. I mean it! I know me and me can be this way…. But strangely, I don’t feel that now. Like I don’t feel needy or clingy, I am just enjoying getting to know him as a friend, period. Have I mentioned he cracks me up? No? well he does!

At some point I will be ready for something more. I know what I want in a relationship and I know the type of person I would like it to be with. I feel I know me better too. I don’t know how long it will take me to get to a “ready for a serious relationship” place but I think it will depend on the person I am with at the time. One thing is for sure, I will want to take my time with any guy/dating/relationships from now on because the one with the ex was extremely rushed and I want a friend if I were to ever marry again.

Keeping my mouth shut - part 2

I guess I’m not the only one frustrated by the ex. K threw a fit the same day I wrote part of this series. As I said in part 1, L is 4. He cries for his daddy when he gets his feelings hurt. Well I guess K had enough! She went off on him. Yelling all the things I have wanted to say but can’t!

“Daddy doesn’t love us!” “He doesn’t call; he doesn’t want to see us!” “He moved away and doesn’t want us!”

Of course I stopped her but I didn’t yell. I stayed as calm as I could. I told her to calm down and go to her room until she could be calm. She did. I comforted L and then went to talk to her.

She was much better later. But, I was really surprised that I was pretty calm, it was a really strange feeling.

As a side-note, the ex just called me. We haven’t really talked on the phone in a few weeks so that was weird for him to call. He was just checking in with me. Umm, whatever.

Keeping my mouth shut

With the ex living in another city and only seeing the kids once a month, I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Its the whole, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" thing.

So since the people I am around the most (my kids) can't hear me vent, whine and complain about their dad.... plus they all think he is great.... well who am I to squash that. I want to be the bigger person in this.....

In that stream of thought, I'm going to vent, whine and complain, and basically say everything here that I would LOOOOOVE to say.

The ex is now in a relationship. After lying to me about wanting to get back together, I find out that for at least a month or more, we was seeing this girl and they moved right to "I love you" very quickly. Well good for him. But, I think part of the reason he can't seem to make time for his kids, is because he likes being with her. Fine. He is the one missing out. Here is what bothers me..... He called last night and told the kids he will be buying them all these new games. Why? I don't know but I would guess it is guilt. I really want to say something about it but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

Then he has also told me that he wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend and her kids. I told him our kids are not quite ready for that. Did he listen? No, he told the kids that he wants them to meet her. Well I had to pick up the pieces of that and he is completely stupid for not realizing they are not ready! He may be ready to move on but they are still trying to figure out what happened. Again, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I already said everything that needs to be said. And, if he wants to spend his ONE weekend alone with the kids, with her as well.... well I don't know, just seems pretty selfish to me. Ya know?

Then L being 4 and me being here, well when he gets his feelings hurt, he will cry for daddy. And, ya know, when he does it about kills me. I would love to say, "Yeah you want daddy, but where is he? Not here because he doesn't want to be with us. He couldn't handle being a dad full-time so once a month is all he can do." I will not say that to my child but damn, I would love to. I just comfort him as much as he will let me and then we move along.

The point is I'm here. I haven't left the kids to flounder around and while I might be seeing someone it if casual and even if it were more, I wouldn't go pushing him on my kids. They are not ready for that at all!

I just cannot, will never understand being a part-time parent. He isn't here for doctor's appts, for sick kids, for the ups and downs, for looking over homework or taking them to the park. He isn't here to nag them to clean up their messes or to tell them good-night. I am here. I will always be here for them. If it means putting some of my plans on hold and not being able to go out and meet new people or get in a serious relationship, that is fine. They will be grown and gone before I'm too old to get out and meet people. K is 12... just a few years and she will be off doing her own thing with friends. H is almost 11, same deal. L is the only one I will have longer.... but still when he is 16-18-ish I will only be 41. That is quite young still.

And who knows what will happen this next year or two? I don't. But, I'm committed to doing whatever it takes for these kids and if that means having to bite my tongue quite often so that I don't hurt them.... well I can do it. I'm their mom.

Meet and Greet part 3

We got to meet up again, 3rd time. We talk often and I don't know what to say. He just cracks me up and well, I really like him. This is the exact thing I am looking for... again, casual, laid back and just great!

Now I have to say, I'm not looking for anything serious after getting out of a near 13 year marriage but then I'm not going to turn one down either..... but what is a serious relationship? I have been wanting to discuss this with him but I really don't want to define things and end up frightening him away. I don't know if I really want to define anything either.... but at the same time, I would like to know what he is thinking. So anyway, when trying to define to myself what I would think "serious" is.... well I couldn't.

This is what I want in a relationship:
honesty
trust
affection
respect
good conversation
lots of laughs
a connection
communication
and I want to know where I stand with the other person.... where do I rank, for lack of a better way to say that. (Not necessarily in that order.)

But, those are the things I am looking for. Some of these things come from the begining (conversation and laughs) and some come with time (trust, connection, affection). Some come with work... like communication.

So I have been talking to him now for almost 3 mths. We have meet up 3 times and do talk in some form just about everyday. I'm not ready to.... I don't know. I just don't want to scare him off by being too needy, clingy but I also think at some point soon we need to discuss this friendship/relationship so that we are both on board with what it is.

For now, I love the friendship it is and I hope it will continue because it is just the thing I want and right when I need it. Stay tuned for Part 4....

The Long Goodbye

This song, by Brooks & Dunn, really reminds me of my marriage and its death.... Good, good song! I had forgotten about it but I'm sitting here doing some schoolwork and listening to the songs on my computer. This just came on......


The Long Goodbye - Brooks & Dunn

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
It sure is hard to do
I know they say if you don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
Those words don't pull me through
Cause I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin' through the millclimbin' up a hill

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
But I know without a doubt
We turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we could still try
How long must we keep running on a carousel
Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard
I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Long goodbye
Long goodbye...

The Stapler

In 1996 I went to work for an Army Coloniel at NATO/SACLANT in Norfolk, VA. This was really my first experience with working with/for the Army and also the first time I worked as an Executive Assistant.

His name was Coloniel William Hussey. We were both new to the command and learned a long the way how things worked and we got to the point where we were reading each other's minds. I would water his office plants when he was out. I knew when he needed help getting a pesky person out of his office, knew which calls to send in to his office and which to say he was busy, even if he wasn't.

He was also the type that made you feel like you were just this special person, a great person that could take on the world. His wife was amazing. They were just this great couple. I have a recipe of hers but I haven't made it, not once.

So one day he came to me and asked if I could find him a good stapler. The one he had would bind up and just didn't work well. Of course I would! He could have asked me to do just about anything and I would have done it for him.... No matter how minimal or petty it seemed to others, I would have done it. I spent a lot of time downstairs in the supply room "test driving" stapler until I found the perfect one. I proudly handed it over to him. And, in perfect Coloniel Hussey fashion, I was overly praised for such a trivial task. I loved him!

July 14, 1998 changed everything. Every night before I left I would tell him good-bye. No matter what (unless he was on a trip or something). Well July 13th, I had a bad headache and he was in a meeting so I just left..... the first time ever! I always would go to wherever he was and told him good-bye, meeting or not. This day was different.

Well the next morning, he was late. I ended up walking down the hall and around 9:00 am, the big boss (Captian Lewis) came to us and told us that Coloniel Hussey had died. Massive Heart Attack.

The next week was a blur. His funeral was amazing, just like he was.

Well as part of my job, I had to help pack up and inventory his office. This was done with another Army Coloniel who I knew very well. We talked and talked for a couple of hours while we packed my beloved boss' office. When I got to the office supplies and the stapler, I turned to the Coloniel and asked, "May I have this?".... He didn't even blink or question me, he just said Yes.

To this day, I have that very stapler. I use it often and it doesn't bind up. Just staples perfectly!

Coloniel Hussey, wherever you are, I think of you often. You were the most amazing man and I really looked up to you as a father figure and role model. You are deeply missed and I do hope that you check on me from time to time. In fact, I know you do and I hope you are proud. Maybe one day we will meet again. I'll bring you a biscuit.

"We come from strong pioneering women"

This is something my aunt told me not too long ago and I run it through my head from time to time.

Basically our family has always been run by women. I recently learned that both my great-great grandmother (dad's mom's side) and my great-grandmother (dad's dad's side) were divorced, single moms back when that was frowned upon. They worked very hard and raised great children and later grandchildren (and at some point my generation was born from this). My great-grandmother (dad's mom's mom) was a very strong woman. She definitely was in charge of what everyone in the family did. I could see that even at a young age. She wasn't a mean or angry or scary person, just very strong. Then my grandmother kind of took over this role and I can see my Aunt is now going to start playing that part. Who knows if I will be the one to pick that up at some point too but we shall see.

So yesterday I text messaged the ex, in a reply to him asking if I was okay: "This has just about killed me. But that that does not kill us makes us stronger. And babe, I am damn strong." (No reply from him.... oh well.... )

And, it was in that moment that I realized.... I do come from strong women and I am one of them! I felt like this huge weight lifted off of me and I just smiled.

Monday Night Rambles

Well after a long weekend you would think I would be nice and rested for the week ahead. Not so much. This was probably one of the worst weekends in my life. No kidding.

The divorce was final on Friday and I was so up from it, happy, glad it was over but crashed quickly. I stayed in a depression like no other all weekend. I hope that I kept some sense of humor about it, as much as possible anyway, but damn, I'm tired. I haven't slept more than a few hours at best all weekend. I haven't eaten but small bites each day... If you took everything I ate this weekend, it would still not amount to a full meal.

Mostly I think this was due to the factor I'm very nice or just really, really stupid. I let the ex stay here because he came in for court and to spend some time with the kids. It was just really stressful. I think the reality of the divorce being final would have been a bit hard but I think it was doubled if not tripled by him being here. Plus it reminds me of why we were going through the divorce in the first place.

And, what of the kids? Well, they are wild and hyper and I have no energy to deal with them so here I sit blogging away just to pass the time and hopefully the quiet tapping of the keyboard and the peacefulness I feel while writing will help me to relax enough to sleep peacefully for the first time several days.

Well the kids are now a lot more peaceful. In their beds and my eyes are starting to get really heavy.

So I will just leave you with this quote from the Lion King which the kids and I say almost every night.

"Good night."
"Sleep Tight"
"Dream of bed bugs tonight!"

Nice ride

Well I have been up since about 3-ish this morning. What was I doing at 3 in the moring? Having anxiety attacks. Really bad ones. I haven't had them this bad in a long, long time. I talked about them in another blog entry here.... did I call it "Me"? I think so.

Anyway I think these were brought on by all the stress and the divorce finally being over.... and well reality setting in. Now don't get me wrong, this is soo the right decision to make, but it still kind of sucks. There were no true deal breakers in our marriage that would make me hate him or divorce him, but then there wasn't anything to hold on to either. So there is that stupid, nagging voice asking me if this truly was the right thing, could we make it work? I know the answer to that..... No.

I have heard other people talk about feeling kind of this way too, so I know its normal but damn, until you go through it, you just don't get it. Of course for a normal person, maybe they wouldn't have anxiety attacks or maybe they do, again this isn't something people talk about.

Wow, one is starting now. What is happening is my whole body starts shaking and getting really tense. Its hard to breath and I feel very cold, very cold. Also I feel very sick to my stomach. But, anyway.....

The nice ride part. Well I decided I would go for a ride but being that it was still the "witching hour" as I call it. The time of morning when it is still really too early to just drive around randomly when you are a single woman.... or really anyone. I hopped on the computer and did a little web searching to pass the time and then "that guy" got on so we chatted via IM. I told him my plans, he gave some suggestions and we talked a bit until it was past the witching hour. I popped in a new CD with a bunch of my current fave songs and I was off. I drove to the Gulf and just felt the anxiety wash away.... at for a bit. Of course its back but oh well it was a nice ride anyway....

Just what I needed, a trip to my birth place, Galveston, TX. Love it though I know what I see when I go is different than the way others see it....Maybe a Rose colored glasses type of situation. Its home and I always feel good going there. Just going to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.....

Meet and Greet Part 2

I meet up with that guy again. I hate to keep saying that guy but hey for privacy sake, that's his name as well as in keeping with my other entries with no names in them.

Anyway, we meet for lunch yesterday. It was really nice again. I get a little nervous in new situations like this, but after a few minutes was pretty comfortable joking around and chatting.

So nothing earth shattering but definitely what I needed and definitely just what I'm looking for right now. This will sound a lot like my last entry about him but this is just great. I don't want the pressure of a relationship or defining of things, no rushing into ... anything. Just fun, casual, talking and hanging out. If it doesn't go past that, fine with me and if it does fine with me. I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Funny thing is that he mentioned something about not talking as in running out of things to talk about. I can't imagine that happening at least not in the near future. New stuff happens everyday. Plus if he would just smile, I would be happy with that. I like when he smiles.

And, so we left it with "We should do this again." So stay tuned for Part 3.

September 9, 1992

This is a very important day to me. It was the day that really changed my life forever. It was the day I left home and arrived in Orlando, FL for Boot Camp. Yes folks that's my Navy anniversary date and while I'm not still in the Navy, it still means a lot to me.

As the date comes and goes each year, I break my belief of "No Regrets." No, no that's not entirely true. I don't really regret my decision to get out, exactly. I had good reasons at the time and I know I made the right decision for my family at the time. Now almost 14 years later, I miss that life. And, even more so with our country still at war after several years.

I joined the Navy in search of a few things. First, I wanted to see the World, I wanted to grow up and mature because I was very immature and very sheltered in a way. Secondly, I wanted a job that I could be proud of. Oh don't get me wrong, I actually am very proud of my job at Burger King but it was a 'high school/early college" job and not one that I wanted to stay at long term. Then third, my ex-boyfriend.... first serious boyfriend who I have talked about in this blog and who I still talk to today..... he was leaving for college and I just really couldn't imagine leaving here without him (it was a kind of friends with benefits type of break-up....)

So what did I get? I lived in Milton, Fl working at Helicopter Training Squadron Eight which was probably the best place a person like me could have gone given some of the stories I heard of hazing and what not. Plus I got to be around helicopters and even went in them. Wow! Good times. I left there as a Yeoman Third Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist. But, I never really reached my goal of seeing the world. Oh well.....

Next place I went was Norfolk, VA to work for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic..... or NATO but just the headquarters here in the U.S. Here I worked for one of the best men to walk this earth. I really admired this guy. On July 14, 1998, he passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Kissed his wife good-bye as he was leaving, started to walk out the door and then dropped dead to the floor. It changed my Navy experience from then on. I still miss him. I have his stapler.... Long story that I will save for another blog entry. I left the Navy as Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist.

And, here I am after almost 6 years still wondering. Well I know partial what would have happened. I would have either gone to the USS Cole and would have been on it when it was hit in Yemen(did I spell that right?).... or I would have gone to Korea for one year without my family and then who knows.

So as September 9, 2006 draws near, I can't help but reflect and wonder and well mostly just smile.

Today was the day

So today was it: Court Date for the divorce. It will be official to the State of Texas Sept 15, 2006..... Almost exactly 13 years since we meet (Sept 23, 1993) So anyway. That's that.

Kind of a weird feeling really. Both good and bad. Good because I'm finally making me happy and well its about damn time I think of me first!!! Bad because..... well this is someone I don't really hate (oh I have some anger but not hate) and someone I have known for a really long time. There are only a few people outside of my family that I have known longer. But then its been a long time coming and we past the deadline for this a few years back.

So my motto has always been, "No regrets!" and this is definitely not a regret. not in the least!!!!

I am soooo freakin' happy today. I feel like dancing. Is that weird? Nay!!!!

Bye, Bye Love

I just watched this movie. If you have never heard of it, it came out in 1995 and has Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine and Randy Quaid as the main characters. Its about three divorced dad's and shows a weekend with their kids, and basically the ups and downs of divorce.

Now I have seen this movie before, many, many times. I really like it! But, I haven't watched it in more than a year maybe two years. It is very different watching it now since this is my life now.

Well sort of. I didn't realize how upset, angry and well bitter I am that he lives in Dallas. He can't see the kids often. In fact, the next time he sees them is in 2 weeks and he hasn't seen them in at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why he is okay with this. I mean I would go insane if I couldn't see my kids. I enjoy getting a break from them, but I would just miss them too much if I knew I wasn't going to see them for 4-5 weeks at a time.

I feel so guilty because I feel like I have really failed my kids by not making this work.... but ya know it wasn't me. I didn't fail. We tried much longer than we should have and maybe it would have been easier on them if we would have called it quits years ago. I usually live by the motto "No Regrets" so I won't really wish to go back in time and I will just do as I normally do and make the best of it.

But how do I answer my children's questions. Why? Why aren't you still with Daddy? Why isn't Daddy here? When will we see him? Why doesn't he call us? Why isn't he calling us back? It just breaks my heart and takes all my will power and strength not to tell them the truth. I just try to answer the best I can, give a little reassuring smile, a hug.... and then distract them with a game or send them out to play.

Ya know at the end of the day, I know that I am here. I am doing what is in their best interest. Reassuring them that I will be here for them. Giving them a stable life, or the best I can. He has made his choices and now he must live with it.

Meet and Greet

Sooo yesterday I final meet up with a guy I have been talking to for just about 2 mths. It went well. We meet for ice cream (milkshakes) and just sat outside chatting and watching the world go by.

It was nice after two strikes to get a nice guy that was fun to talk with and laugh with. He was exactly who I was expecting to meet which was REALLY nice, again after two strikes.

He is just really laid back and fun. No pressure. No expectations. This is all so refreshing because I don't need these things right now. I want to ... I don't know if its dating or what but anyway.... to date someone that is just fun, easy to talk to and we have a few things in common with. He fits in that perfect.

We are talking about meeting up again. I do hope we do because it was so nice and after the year I have had.... well it was just that's it... nice!

Depression

The following blog was inspired by an email to a friend. Some of the wording comes straight from the email.

Depression, it’s a funny thing. Okay not like ha, ha funny but strange.

Today for example, I'm in a good mood... sort of. I can feel the bit of depression just below the surface. Basically I could burst in to tears at any moment and for no reason. I freakin' hate this feeling!!!! Why can't I just be normal?? Or maybe this is normal...

And, really what is normal. Maybe I am normal. Maybe everyone feels this way, okay not everyone but a lot more people than will admit it. It’s not something people seem to talk a lot about and when they do it seems to be a shameful thing. Sure there are new ad campaigns out about “Depression hurts” (oh and let me tell you it sure the heck does) to promote awareness. But, ya know it just isn’t a normal conversation topic.

Like people will say things like “I think I’m coming down with something.” Or “I’m getting a cold.” Or even “Wow, I have the worst cold.” Why can’t we say things like this about depression? People also seem more quick to go to the doctor for a cold or flu but very hesitate and again almost ashamed to go for depression.

Yes I used to be one of those. But, ya know, its okay to admit you are depressed because if you don’t, how can you get help, nobody knows to help you and you can’t even help yourself out of it. Why is it such a bad thing to say we are depressed? Is it “Girl Interpreted” like to say you are depressed, as in you will be put in a hospital for it? Is this where the shame comes from? Because we, as a society, haven’t truly gotten passed that and don’t really know how to deal with it so rather than deal with the actual problem; ignore it, lock it up or call it bad.

Thinking Andrea Yates. My heart just breaks for them. Her, her family and those poor babies. She was very sick and if we were more aware of depression (in all forms) would this have been preventable? Maybe not but at least something….

Anyway, I could probably write about depression for pages and pages because it is something I know all too well and something I am passionate about . Maybe someday I will even write a Bestselling book all about depression….. Hey I can dream right?

Cooking

I need to cook more. What is wrong with me lately!? I haven't really cooked much in a long time or so it feels.

I used to cook just about every night with the occassional out to eat. Now it seems like we pick up or having something delivered more often than not. Or, I do something super easy like sandwiches, frozen pizza or something like this. Not really a meal and it takes no time at all.

Is it school? But, I have been in school for almost 4 yrs now and I was cooking during this time. But, then I think, I was staying at home (not work) for just over 2 years of that time so maybe that's it.

Is it my lack of motivation? I actually love to cook and my children are super picky, just like dad. It is frustrating and makes cooking no fun! Yep this could be part of it too.

Is it being single? Maybe this too because there isn't someone here (besides my children) that I'm cooking for... someone special. Ya know?

I think I'm going to set a goal for myself that I will start cooking more. I will set myself up to succeed. How? I will pre-cook items, like meats/chicken so that I can just heat and eat with some sides, like a salad and veggies. Then set myself up some easy, healthy desserts too so it seems more special. I think I will also teach the kids (the older two) how to cook. I know I was cooking around their age.

I really want to do this. I really need to do this. So it shall be....

Dating

Do I really want to do the whole dating thing?

While leaving work the other day, I was watching this guy who was walking out in front of me. He had a very unique, and I’ll just say it, strange walk that’s why it caught my eye. Kind of “George Jefferson” like…. (from the Jefferson’s TV Show)….

But something else happened in that moment, besides thinking “Who walks like that!?”….I realized something…. If I start dating more and then find a boyfriend, I have to learn all these things about him. The way he walks, what makes him laugh, his mannerisms, what are his pet peeves…. And on and on and on.

While this is par for the course in meeting people and dating, I just want to get to that comfortable, familiar place. I know, I know part of the fun is getting to know someone new and learning all these things out about them and they you. I guess it is more I want to be in that part of the relationship where it is still new but at the point where it is comfortable also, maybe 2-3, maybe even 4 months into it.

So I guess what I’m saying is I want my cake and eat it too.

5 More.....

.... classes that is!!!! I am about to finish a class and on Tuesday I will start a new one..... Meaning as of Tuesday I will only have 4 more!!!! (okay sort of).


I AM SOOOOOO READY TO BE DONE!!!!! But I'm just so proud of myself because of all the times I wanted to quit and didn't. Because of overcoming many obstacules (sp?) to finish and even more because I have a fairly good GPA.... currently 3.72 (hoping for a tiny bit higher before its all said and done).

For anyone that knows me well, I am the first to say that I did horrible in HS. Its no secret. It was a really struggle for me to get the Cs, Ds and Fs that I did get....with some Bs and even rarer was an A.

But, here am I only a few classes away from being a college graduate! Something I have wanted for sooo long and needed AND even more importantly have exceeded my own expectations for myself.

Now I just have to decide what to do about my Master's. I'm thinking I should do a ground school (go to a campus) to do this because maybe it will be taken more seriously than getting one online..... but I will say this.... I learn far better online than I ever have in a classroom. I'm too much of an introvert and get too distracted to learn well in a class environment.

My hope is that online colleges will become more accepted and more common so that I can continue with it because at the end of the day..... I know that I have truly learned a lot!!!!! More than I ever could in a class.

Tuesday

Well here it is Tuesday, Aug 8 2006. I can't believe how fast the year is flying by.

Soo much has happened this year already and so much more is to come!

I didn't have much to blog about but felt the need to write. I have been a bit of a wreck this past week or so. Depression hit me hard, out of no where or so it felt. It was nice not to be depressed for a while and now that it is over... I'm glad its over. I hate when I feel that way.

Many little (or big) stressors right now. The big one being money (Money isn't everything, but its a main focus when you don't have enough!). I was doing fairly well for a while. But, bam, car trouble. I mentioned that my car needs work.... well a new engine to be exact. How much is that you might be wondering? Well only.... $4000.... oh plus the rental car of roughly $300 for the week..... Sigh, just when I thought I might be able to afford to get away for a weekend or maybe even two. Ah well such is life.

No dating updates. No divorces updates. No kid updates. No school updates. No work updates.

So I am just going to sit here and daydream about winning the Lotto. Hey, someone is going to win, why not me?

Long time, no blog

Hello there. So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure you are thinking, Yeah duh!

Well I have been feeling the walls closing in on me again and I have fallen in a pit of depression. I haven't felt this way for a while and I was enjoying it.... but as it does, life caught up.

So the good is work is going great! I love my job! I'm so happy to have this job.

The kids are doing great. Starting school very soon. We are completely ready and K is going to start taking Strattra again so I'm crossing my fingers that the year is easier for all of us because of it.

Now the bad.... Car is in the shop... AGAIN! Needs a new motor, it had no oil pressure... I have no idea yet how much this is going to cost. The shop has to give me a price on Monday. It is undriveable so I have a rental car. Can I afford all of this??? NO!!!

Nor can I afford for the Geek Squad to come out and fix my computer but they will be here on Tuesday. I have no choice. My computer is messing up a lot and my school is online..... so the choice is spend an arm and a leg to get it fixed so I don't miss class. My GPA is high and I want to keep it that way....

Then the divorce is all messed up. I can't even talk about it... but I have been saying I am divorced because, well we haven't lived together in a year and he doesn't even live in this city. NOW it won't be officially official for who knows how long!!! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just want it to be over!!!

Dating. No updates. Still just chatting with one guy that I would love to meet. He seems really interesting and someone I have really enjoyed getting to know. Not sure where its going, if anywhere, but I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. All I want is someone to talk with and enjoy some laughs with, be it email or on the phone or in person....

I have talked with a few other people but nobody else that I am interested in. They seem like great guys but.... not for me... I just wish them luck in finding what they are looking for.

As for other things... my weight keeps going up and down and then up again.... currently going down. I just want it to be.... well something I can be happy with. I'm going to start doing the South Beach Diet again. Walk away the Pounds for exercise and I got a new video... bellydancing! It looks like fun and I have tried a few moves, but I'm sure I look something like a Hippo trying to dance. LOL!

So that's it. Just trying to snap out of my funk and just keep reaching for the stars!!!