Writing my Obituary

That probably sounds a bit morbid but stick with me to see what I mean…

Today I read a very nice obituary. Someone at work lost her mother recently. I was asked to order flowers for the service. I was given a copy of the obituary as a reference for the service information.

She sounded like such a wonderful and interesting person. One line from the obituary said, “Now don’t you wish you would have met her?” and I was thinking yes, yes I do wish I would have met her. And, that is the point of “writing my obituary.”

I actually have thought about this quite a bit lately because I feel like the last several years I have not been living my life but letting life direct how I live. I don’t have a true hobby or many friends that I just hang out with or a list of fun things that I do with my kids. I neglect to call my own grandmothers and never call my brothers first. I don’t talk much to my aunts, especially those I’m close too. My friends probably think I’m the worst because I can never just hang out and rarely call them. And basically if I can't do it online (like email) I don't.

I want all those things. I want to have BBQs at my house with several close friends and their children running around or babies being passed around and admired. I want to have a weekly game night with the kids, special picnics at the park or whatever else that they will remember when they are my age.

I want to do something spectacular that years from now people will remember me. I have big dreams and big ideas. These alone could put me on the map to being remembered and would lead to a great obituary!

There are so many things on my list; from writing a book to getting back in shape to traveling to opening my own business to just enjoying the little things to making get memories with my children to scrap booking all my pictures.

So what is stopping me? School, work, kids, house stuff, money, my own lack of motivation and my lack of time management skills which I used to say I was good at but for some reason nothing works anymore!

There is a song that Tim McGraw performs called “Live like you were dying”. This is kind what I’m talking about. The story of the song is a guy finds out he has cancer and is having a conversation with someone who asks what he did when he found out…. The guy says “I went skydiving; I went rocky mountain climbing…..” And on and on a list of things he did.

Live each day like it was your last, make it full, make it memorable. Stop and smell the roses and share that with someone you love (No this is not a line from the song but my own thoughts).

I want to set a goal for myself, right now, that I will start writing my obituary… live like I was dying…. leave a legacy. So that one day someone will read about me, my actual obituary, and say “I wish I would have met her.”

Divorce Sucks

With the divorce, comes new hope but if some of us can't get past the hurt, then what?

So K is doing really bad with this. She has done and said everything I would expect and then some. I feel so bad because I never went through this like she is now. My parents never got a divorce and are still together today.....

She has said I cannot date, get remarried and has threatened to be rude, mean and hurt anyone I date, etc. There has been more but that's the bulk of it.

So fast forward to this morning. She was asleep on the couch. I was on the computer which is in the same room.... She starts talking and crying in her sleep. She was crying for her daddy. Then I woke her and she was just crying so hard saying she had a bad dream.

This freakin' sucks!!!! I don't want her to hurt so badly.

Divorce sucks.....

School

I don't think I have talked much about school yet, if at all. I have been attending University of Phoenix online since November 2002. I will finish February 2007.

It has been an adventure that isn't quite over yet. I have taken so many classes from Algebra to History to Ethics to .... well here is the list of what I have taken so far....

SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING I
CONTEMPORARY ISSUES IN AMERICAN BUSINESS
COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR CAREER GROWTH
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING II
WRITTEN COMMUNICATION
ESSENTIALS OF COLLEGE WRITING
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS I
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS II (5 WEEK COURSE)
CRITICAL THINKING
MANAGEMENT: THEORY,PRACTICE, APPLICATION
ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR
CRITICAL THINKING: STRATEGIES IN DECISION MAKING
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION I
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION II
COMPUTERS AND INFORMATION PROCESSING
EMPLOYMENT LAW
ECONOMICS FOR BUSINESS I
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS I
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS II
MARKETING
PUBLIC RELATIONS
ETHICS IN MANAGEMENT
ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND ETHICS
THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE SINCE 1945
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IN THE WORKPLACE
GLOBAL BUSINESS STRATEGIES
QUALITY MANAGEMENT AND PRODUCTIVITY
E-BUSINESS
INTERDISCIPLINARY CAPSTONE COURSE


Its a long list! I just have a few more and then I'm finished. Currently I am in a history class and having a really hard time with it. I love history normally but for reason I can't get in to it this time around. At least there are only a few more days and on Tuesday... I will be in a whole new class! I just have to finish my portion of the team assignment, participate in the class discussions for the next 3 days and write my weekly summary. Done.

That's the beauty of these online classes. They are each only 5 weeks long so by the time I have had it, its over.

I am so ready to move on with my life and not be in school. I feel like I'm missing so much of life right now! And, I'm just counting down the days until I have that degree in hand and I'm free. What will I do with my time? Maybe I'll get around to writing my book.... but that's a whole different topic and not to be discussed today. ;)

Kids are home!

They were gone two days shy of 2 weeks but it seems like much longer and yet, no time at all. They all seem bigger, older and wiser some how. I missed them so much and was so happy to see them.

Ya know, its time like this that I am so thankfu for them. I am glad that I am with them and they are with me. I also think of people that have children yet do not love them, abuse them and/or just in general neglect them. It is so sad to me that someone could not want their children.... some people have children and just abandon them.

I missed my children and just wasn't myself without them. I just can't imagine not having them with me all the time... or at least most of the time.

Friends with kids

Last night I went over to my friends' house. They have a new baby. This is what gave me the idea for this blog!

Many of my friends have had kids before I met them. But, its the ones you know before kids that I want to talk about. It is different this way.

So backup a little, I met them almost 6 years ago. We all worked for the same company. The cutest couple ever and you could just tell how much they loved each other. Of course they got married, . Then just a few months ago had their first baby. I always thought they would be good parents. But, ya know, it is never how you picture it. They are so cute!!! Of course the baby is just adorable but to watch them, these people that I knew prior to, now with this cute little baby. Wow. It is just amazing. They aren't just good parents, they are great and this little boy is going to be a great kid and person because of them.

Then I have another friend. I have known her since 5th! I credit her with teaching me all the "bad" words. Ha! Anyway, she now has two little boys. I always knew she would have kids and its so neat to hear her talk about them. One has special needs and she has just taken it in stride. I mean, what can you do but just keep on move'on. I admire her strength.

Then there is my ex-boyfriend from HS. He is now married with kids. Its so hard to think of this person that used to sneak out of the house to meet me, now raising two children and actually <> being a grownup! His son is disabled. And, again, this is one family that I just admire because I just can't imagine how they do it. Its just amazing to me the strength and dedication it must take.

And, the last is a friend that I had from the Navy. We were actually pregnant with our first together. We both had girls and we learned to be moms together. I know I learned from her and I hope that she learned some things from me. That was a neat friendship and I still value her today, though the distance between us makes it hard sometimes. I do still think of her as my best friend. She now has four children and the youngest has special needs.

So that's it. I'm just amazed by all my friends. Their strength and caring and love for their children! I hope to learn more about my friends, especially the new parents, as I watch them grow with their children.

Hug your babies!

One more day.....

Just one more day and my babies come HOME! Hurray.

And, I have learned that I can be away from them and be okay. I didn't actually do much for or by myself but it was still nice to have free time in the evening. I hadn't realized how much time it takes to just care for them.

I wouldn't trade it for the world!

My Brothers

I don't know if my brothers were always so important to me. I like to think so and actually I do remember that they were, but for some reason as an adult I really value them more.

In Sept 92, I left for the Navy. I was 19, bro #1 was 17, bro #2 was 15.

In Dec 93, I got married. Bro #1 got married in May. Bro #2 was just in HS and was shocked by us all.... okay maybe not but he didn't get married!

In Jan 1999/Dec 1998 timeframe, Bro #1 and Now-ex-SIL cut off contact with our family. And, yes that is exactly what it sounds like. They moved and did not tell anyone in our family where. They asked that nobody contact them, call or anything. (They had just had their 3rd child)

It wasn't until 5-6 yrs later that he would come back in the "family circle".

In the meantime, I'm still in the Navy from 1992-2000. My parents move from H-town to Colorado, in 1996. In 1998/9, they decided to move back here! (Right before the contact was cut off, I think?!). Bro #2 meets and falls in love with his wife! (She is awesome).

In 2000, we move back after I get out of the Navy. I move back and my brothers aren't around. It was weird. Bro #2 visits and we talk on the phone but gosh it isn't the same. He has changed so much and has turned out to be this great guy! Everyone should have someone in their lives like him. He is a great husband and a great father.

So in Aug 2003, we move to North Dakota... Yuck. Live there until July 2005 and the kids and I move back. By this time, Bro #1 is in the Army and the kids are spending a lot of time getting to know my parents and family which is soooo GREAT! My bro changed so much, for the good, now that he is in the Army and actually being divorced has helped a lot too, I'm sure. Ya know when two people aren't just made to be together. She is happier and he is happier and at the end of the day, that's what matters.

This last year has been so great. Christmas 2005 was the first time both my brothers and I have been together in YEARS! I don't even know, maybe Christmas 1992 when I was fresh out of boot camp, or maybe it was 1993 but whatever, it was a long time. Then today I will get to see Bro #1 for the first time in maybe 14 yrs for his birthday. Yes today is his 31st b-day. Hence the reason I felt the need to write about my brothers.

I really value them and they are both great people. I'm so proud of how they have turned out. It took Bro #1 going in the Army but ya know, I had to join the Navy to grow up and I feel I still have some work to do.... how boring would it be if we were all done growing up.... ah, I feel a new blog topic coming on!

"Have you talked to the kids?"

In a word... NO. I'm not sure why and even more strange is that I don't feel the need to talk to them. That sounds bad, let me explain! I guess I figure this is a rare chance with their dad and even more rare with his parents and sister. I don't want to distract or disturb them. I think if I call then they will get sad because K already was feeling guilty over leaving me and I had to tell her I would be fine and well I am. The boys might be okay if I called but ya never know what you get with L. He might be okay but then later start crying. He is just 4 so its still okay!

They will be back on Friday so just a few more days and the most important thing I have learned is.... I'M BORING!

I had all these plans and then just haven't felt like doing anything. So in a way, I have done what I wanted. I did have hot wings one night. I can't always do that with the kids because K is the only one that actually eats them, the boys will want something else so I end up spending way too much. $12 and I had enough for two meals.

Also I cleaned. Still have some things to do but it is cleaner than normal! I think it actually smells clean! Big bonus.

No new plans for excitement. Heck I don't even think I'm going to do anything on the 4th and I get Friday off too! Have I mentioned I LOVE my new job!? No? I LOVE IT!

So to answer the world. No I haven't talked to my kids. I do not plan to call them and yes I'm okay with that!

Clothing and the fashion challenged

My name is EJ and I’m fashion challenged. I have very limited clothing because I end up by things that look like crap or I ruin them in the wash (I’m laundry challenged too). But, in an effort to dress better, I have bought some nice things.

Today is a black sweater set (tank and cardigan style) with a long silver/gray skirt. It’s really cute actually. Here is my problem which has nothing to do with the actual fashion of the item, lint and cat hair! Yes folks, black clothing I have issues with because I have long haired cats, oh they are mostly white too. I also seem to be a magnet for that dusty lint that just makes you look at…. Slobby, I guess is the right word. I know everyone can see it and the more I try to get it off, the more I seem to attract.

I really need to go on What Not to Wear because I need help and maybe I need to shop at some of those “high-end” stores they are always showing because maybe then I won’t attract so much lint, dust and cat hair….. because I will be spending so much, right??

Next time we will discuss my challenge with laundry!

Dating Updates

It seems I have left some dating loose ends. So I mentioned a guy that I wanted to email and then did and then waited for…. NOTHING. He never emailed back but ya know its fine really, it turned out okay because there is another guy that I’m chatting with and really that’s all I want. Some person to talk to and get to know. Not sure how serious he is about moving it forward at some point, because frankly it’s too soon for that. He is a nice guy so far and seems to have some interests that would be fun to know more about! One just happens to be something that my grandfather (paternal grandfather that we lost last summer) used to do and I have always been very fascinated with it since I was just a tiny girl. So crossing my fingers that it works out to be a little more than chatting but have no intention of rushing it because that just leads to my next story….

I was talking with someone else and had actually met said person. Sometimes things just don’t work. Not for any other reason than it wasn’t a match. He wanted more, faster than I wanted more and he is a nice guy but I don’t want to pushed, though I seem pushy and rushed to date. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes but not to define our relationship/friendship exactly and just have fun and laughs without strings.

Sounds like I want my cake and eat it too… Ah well, that’s my update. Again, dating sucks….

The phone call

Since the kids are with dad, I have been waiting for that phone call. The one that starts with “There has been an accident….” And ends with me dropping dead on the floor… Okay not so dramatic (I just don’t know where K gets it!) but here is the thing. While I tend to be more laid back about things like toys all over the house or ice cream in the car (have ya seen those pics?). He tends to be a little less, what’s the word… watchful maybe? Or less safety aware or some something that makes me fear for my children’s safety. Ya see here is the thing again; they take after me in that they tend to be accident prone, especially oldest son. And, then the girl is just more dramatic about any injury or illness making it really hard to determine if she is truly in pain and needs to seek medical attention or not. Then of course the other son just turned 4 and because he such older siblings, doesn’t always realize limitations.

So here I am happily sitting at work and I get a call that starts with a much panicked voice, “It’s an emergency!” What? Oh my gosh (OMG). “L says his toothbrush is not his but he has a different one.” WTF! Are you kidding me? “He is saying you will say yes. Will you talk to him?” Um sure. L use the toothbrush. “I don’t want to” Sorry you have to, can I talk to your dad again. ….. This is not an emergency and I’m at work. “It was an emergency.” He is not going to brush his teeth with that toothbrush right now, it is not a big deal to let him calm down (he is stubborn like… well honestly both myself and ex-h, so that’s not good)… He can brush his teeth later. “Okay”

Now I have probably done this a few times myself, called when it wasn’t an emergency but for the record I would never start with “It’s an emergency”, I would have said, “I need your help….” I know we all have moments that we just can’t handle. So that is how my day is going.

One emergency averted!

Dating sucks

Period. There is nothing else to say about it.

Okay so I got the nerve up to email that guy. Now waiting to see if he actual replies. I don't know if I said it in my last entry but I think I had emailed him once before but it was back in April when I first started looking and my profile was really lame. I just rewrote it lately. I think it finally sounds like me and so if he doesn't reply that's fine because I now feel like I know what I want and who I am.

Even ex-h has noticed that my confidence is coming back and he even noticed that I have lost weight! Now that is HUGE because he was always telling me how fat I was... Nice, huh? There is a good reason we are getting a divorce. Ha, ha! But, he noticed and that makes me feel great and makes me want to go work out! Whoohoo.

But, I'm into taking risks right now. Trying hard to step out of what is my norm and what is comfortable but it sucks because its really hard for me. Anyone that knows me well, knows I suffer from anxiety and mostly if I stay in my comfort zone, I can get through life with only minor set backs. But, dating is just really hard and about putting yourself out there.

Soooo anyway, I emailed the guy that I would really like to date and if he doesn't reply will that's fine because I tried and that just means he wasn't the right one! I'll move on and see if I can catch the attention of one of the others I have emailed also!

Dating sucks!!!

Today

So my babies have gone with their dad for the next few weeks. What to do? What to do?

Today I have not done too much. Mostly wandered around and watched TV. Also did some surfing on the net. Saw a guy on one of those dating websites that I would be interested in contacting but honestly, haven't had the best luck with that.

I look at it this way though, the right one hasn't come along yet.

Also today is my daughter's 12th b-day. Wow, 12. I can't believe I have had someone so long. She is so special to me.

Well I guess I need to get back to my busy schedule of.... watching more TV and who knows, maybe I'll get the nerve to email this guy and see if anything happens.

Two more days

On Sunday my kids will go with their dad for a 2 week trip. This will be the longest I have ever been away from my babies. It is sad but I think I'm ready. No wait, I know I am. I really need the break. I can come home and just worry about me, get schoolwork done or just sit very still and listen.... to nothing!

I also would like to try and get out more these next couple of weeks. No point sitting around and waiting..... waiting for?? I don't know.

So I'm counting down the time until Sunday. Of course, my baby girl will turn 12 on Sunday also. Wow. Where does the time go? Little man L will be 4 on Saturday, tomorrow!

June 22, 2006

Today is HIS birthday. It is a little strange but I did call to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Something weird happened this week. I think I have gotten a little more comfortable with things.... not over it and I'm sure there will be more bumps to come, but I feel like I'm .... happier with this decision. And, again, I realize its the right thing but there is such a mix of feelings involved in this that I just truly didn't understand before now. I thought if you want a divorce, you just want it and cool. But, I guess that isn't always the case and even in the most mutual of situations, it can hurt.

Sooo today, I wish him a Happy Birthday. At the end of the day, I truly wish him happiness and we both deserve that.

Random

I feel like writing a blog but I can't think of just one interesting topic to write about so I'm just going to write everything that comes to mind. So bear with me as I ramble on about nothing and everything. Maybe like an episode of Seinfeld.

You have been warned! Turn back now….

Still here? Okay here are the random thoughts for today….

Today is Father's day. I'm back in Houston this year but where is my dad? On his way to England. He just got back from a business trip to Venezuela. I haven’t even seen him yet. Oh well, I know there are many, many people not able to see their dad today and he wasn’t here for my Birthday either. He travels a lot for work. I did talk to him this morning. We talked about when he started traveling. I said he has been traveling almost as long as I can remember but that I did remember a time when he didn’t travel for work. My brothers and I used to run up to the corner when we knew he would be on his way home from work and then he would stop and pick us up. I used to love that!

My children are probably not going to see their father today either. He is in Dallas getting on with his life. (Maybe I should post one of my fave Bowling for Soup songs!, later)….. They tried to call. That was an hour ago and he didn’t answer nor has he called back. Hope he is happy with his choice.

I cleaned like a manic yesterday. I’m allergic to dust. I woke with a killer headache. It would be worth it if the house actual looked clean but alas, the children ensure that I have job security as a maid. Ha, ha!

Then for Match.com…. It’s not working. I’m getting frustrated but at least my subscription runs out on Friday. I plan to hide my profile again then workout like a mad woman, buy a new camera and rejoin later on when I look and feel better, and can put up some much better pics! And, hey, who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone in the meantime without the aid of an online dating service.

You may be wondering why I feel the need to rush into another relationship. I don’t really want to be in a relationship but would like to date. To me dating is going out to dinner, maybe a movie or something and kind of just meeting different people. I want to meet a few guys and see who is out there. I do not want to jump into a relationship unless in the off chance one of them just is perfect for me. Then I would try to take it slow from there. Before getting married, I dated a lot of guys!!! It was all in a relatively short time too.

Let’s go back there shall we? First boyfriend was freshman year HS. He was sweet but one of those guys that probably didn’t make it too far. He introduced me to kissing. I love to kiss. Then I guess I dated another guy. He was my first… and as it turns out was actually dating someone else and I didn’t know. Dumped him really quick. Then there was a guy much older than I was. I was 17 and he was 24. Okay so not that much older but I realize now the difference between me at 17 and him at 24 was big. Now I could date someone 7 years older and the difference would be very little. He would probably remember more of the 70s and had a different experience during the 80s than I did but that’s probably it. Then there was my first really serious boyfriend (HI, I know you read this!)… Wow. I was so in love with him. I just knew we would be together forever. Life is so funny and I just can’t help but think of Garth Brooks at a time like this. ‘Unanswered Prayers’ We dated for 10 mths, broke up but still saw each other for just over a year more. He was leaving for college so I joined the Navy. I couldn’t stand the thought of living here and him not being here too. I sort of dated a few guys after he and I broke up but really opened the door once I was in the Navy.

So quick update. I had 4 boyfriends and about 4-5 casual things before the Navy. So that’s let’s just say 9…. It was Sept 9, 1992 when I entered the Navy. I was married Dec 1993. Between that time I had two boyfriends and the rest were casual boyfriends. Mostly other young Sailors, new to the Navy and probably all just as homesick and confused as me. There were a few that were not new and wow, one I was head over heels in lust for. He was a big disappointment (or I should say little! disappointment if you get my meaning.)

There is just one guy on my mind that I wonder about often. My Junior High crush. I had the hugest crush on him until he moved Junior Year of HS. I would just like to know what kind of man he turned out to be. Is he married? Does he have kids? Did they get his beautiful blue eyes? What is his job? Does he ever wonder about me?

Ah well, life is funny for sure. I’m 33 and I really can’t believe how weird life has turned out for me. It is not at all the way I thought it would be right now. The kids I thought I would have, but thought it would be 4. They are great kids! Earlier my boys were fighting but now they are drawing pictures for me. The girl is sleeping. She was awake earlier but I think with summer she is staying up way too late and my efforts to wake her in the morning are met with much drama. It’s not worth it.

So that’s my rambling and random thoughts for this Father’s Day.

Getting back to normal...

I'm trying to pull myself together and get back to normal. But, really what does that mean?

My normal is different now but I guess just feeling right again. For so long I have been with this other person and been this wife and "a couple" and all these things I'm not anymore. So who am I? I don't know and maybe that is why I feel to disconnected and why I can't get a date (ha, ha) and why life just feels like chaos.

I now have one piece of my life in place: job. I'm slowly getting my body into shape and I know I could do this a lot better (eat a bit better). I have a few more things on my list that I need to get in line but slowly, slowly....

But, if you are out there, self, come back or give me a call so I know where you are. In the meantime, I'm looking and hey, maybe I'll discover a whole new me.

Settle for a Slowdown

This song really says how I feel about my divorce..... I love it!

Settle For A Slowdown
Dierks Bentley

I must look just like a fool
here in the middle of the road
standing there in your rearview
and getting soaked to the bone

this land is flat as it is mean
a man can see for a hundred miles
So I'm still praying
I might see the glow of a brake light.
But your wheels just turn,
down the road ahead
If it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

I held on longer then I should
Leaving you might change your mind
those bright lights of Hollywood would fade in time.

But your wheels just turn down the road ahead
If it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
I keep a lookin' for the slightest sign
that you might miss what you left behind
I know there's nothing stopping you now
but I'd settle for a slowdown.

But your wheels just turn down the road ahead
if it hurts at all you aint showed it yet
your just a tiny dot on that horizon line
come on tap those brakes baby just one time
I know there's nothing stopping you now
Im not asking you to turn back around
I'd settle for a slowdown
come on just slow down
I'd settle for a slow down.

This is probably normal.... right?

I had a little emotional set back today. Ex-H told me someone asked him out and he said yes. Now he has every right in the World to start dating. Heck I have been on one so far but I don't know why but I freaked a bit! I am sick to my stomach, shaking, dizzy.... I'm completely heartbroken at the thought. No that isn't the right word.... Just like it hit me again, this is over.

I think this is normal. Oh I hope it is normal. What I think is I will move on just fine but it was just a shock.

I GOT IT!

Soooo the job I thought I didn't get, well I didn't get it the first time, but the person that was hired took another job so I'm in! I don't care how I got it, just that I got it. I start on Wednesday!

Can you say excited? Finally I feel like my luck is turning. Slowly oh so slowly and I'm okay with that. I will get these pieces in place, if not on my timeline at least in time.

Tomorrow I will be training another temp to do the job I'm doing and then I'm free to go!!!

I know there was more I wanted to say about it but I can't even think.

Off to study history now since I have an assignment due. At least it just has to be typed, all the research is done.