New Postage Stamps

I know this really doesn't have anything to do with being single or being a mom BUT I'm soooo getting these new stamps.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060719/ap_en_ot/super_stamps

It goes with the whole TxGambit thing and also there is a whole story about 76 boxes of comic boxes that I used to live with.

Sooo I'm hitting the post office to pick these up tomorrow.

Why TxGambit?

My screenname.... The TX might be easy to figure out. Texas. But what's a Gambit?

It was the name of our first cat.... or I guess we had another cat for about a week before it went nuts and we had to give it up. So I guess our second cat was Gambit. Its also an X-men character if you were wondering.

So anyway, that's my screenname. TxGambit. Most everything else I would use has been taken but I like this one so I keep using it!

Life is funny....

..... said with lots of sarcasm. Sometimes it works the way we want, sometimes it doesn't.

Nuff said.

Miscellaneous

Things I like:
Play-Doh
Dollhouses
New crayons/coloring books
Slinky
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles
Hot Wheels or Matchbox cars
LEGOS!!!
Puppies

Things I dislike:
Bugs!
Spiders
Ants
Fleas
Did I mention bugs?
Snakes
Burnt popcorn smell! Yuck!
Rude people
Bad Drivers

Places I have lived:
Texas
Florida
Virginia
Back to Texas!
North Dakota
Back to Texas!

Mottos:

“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
“You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl.”
“Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it’s all in how you look at them.”
“No regrets!”
“Don’t write down anything you don’t want someone to read/know.”
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”

All my jobs:
Babysitting
Packing school supplies
Burger King
United States Navy: Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Air Warfare Specialist
Lockheed Martin: HR Assistant
Mobile Health Testing, Inc.: Quality Control Specialist
St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital: Capital Campaign Assistant
Degussa/Master Builder’s: Business Administrator
Chevron: HR Assistant

Best job:
Being mom

Worst job:
Being mom

Yes that is possible!!!!

Weird/interesting medical type stuff:
Birthmark had laser surgery in 1992 to remove part of it.
Cut my finger almost completely off when I was 4. You can almost not tell.
Burned the back of my hand….. LOOOOOOONG STORY!
Fell off the handlebars of a friend’s bike when I was a kid.
Got shot in the hand with a nail gun in 2003. It didn’t hurt as bad as you would think it would.


Well I hope you had fun learning some quick facts about me. I enjoyed writing it.

The Visit

Ex-h visited this weekend. Sometimes its weird for me to call him the ex. But at the same time, I realized I don't have those types of feelings for him anymore. What I mean is... I do love him.... but it is the "we have three kids and 12 years together" type of feelings. Make sense?

Anyway, it was a fun weekend and a nice visit. I hope that we can continue to get along and be friends of sorts because I think it is important for the children. It might seem weird to some but he and I have always been better at the friends part of our relationship not so much the typical married stuff.

He is asking if he can come again this next weekend, and honestly, I want a weekend just me and the kiddos. I told him I would think about it.

Besides!!! The dog show is this next weekend and he isn't an animal person. I want to go and enjoy myself!!!! Ha, ha.....

Short one this time - Don't you just hate....

Don't you just hate going to the restroom and when you go to wash your hands, someone has gotten the sink all wet!

Yep me too.

See told you it was short.... after my massive one from earlier!

Me.....

I have been thinking about my self esteem a lot lately. I feel that for the most part I am a confident person. But, for some reason I have a poor image of myself when I think of how other people see me. I have been reflecting a lot on why this might be. Bear with me while I ramble on trying to find the right words to express myself. This after all is why I have a blog, so that I may ramble on to try and express my feelings and sort through my life.

Anyway, here goes…. Keep in mind you have been warned that this could have no point other than my own self discovery and it will probably be really long!

Now I have been told that I do seem confident and sure of myself by many people. But, I don’t see it. See here is the thing for anyone reading that doesn’t know me or doesn’t know this about me. I suffer from anxiety attacks. What is that, you might ask? It isn’t like stage fright or nervousness, though I do call it that sometimes and it’s not really being shy, which again I call it that sometimes too. But, it is truly an attack that I cannot control. I know what things will set one off, at least for the most, and so I try to stay in my “comfort zone”. But things as simple as calling for a pizza or filling the car up with gas could set one off. And, I really just don’t understand that.

Meeting new people is the big thing that will just set me in to a huge attack. In 2003, I went to Chicago to meet friends of mine for a girl’s only weekend. Now keep in mind I had not met these people prior to this weekend. I belong to an online group of moms. So the first person I meet, I told her of this problem but told her to bear with me because it would go away shortly. After talking with her, I relaxed and felt the attack go. It wasn’t a bad one which surprised me because 1. I don’t fly often nor have I really flown much by myself. 2. I was going to a city I had never been to 3. I was meeting new people.

And recently with dating, I have now met two people from online dating services, so almost like a blind date. Both times I have had a mild attack… actually the first was really bad but I had talked with him about it prior to meeting and he was really cool about it and then very soothing when we meet. He didn’t try to hug me (second guy did, freaked me out!) or push me to talk right away. He was really patient. Second guy, like I said, hugged me right away and was like “you don’t talk much”. Umm, no.

Why am I writing this now? Because I’m going to met someone else new very soon. I don’t want to mess up the casual tone of our …. Umm… online chatting, I guess? by having an anxiety attack when we do finally meet. I also don’t feel comfortable yet to tell him (so just hoping he will read the blog and find out)…. which really is silly because he has been really easy to talk to and honestly I do feel comfortable talking with him. We do seem to have things to talk about and just seem to get along but that’s ONLINE! What about in person? I just don’t know and therefore I just hope I don’t have an anxiety attack the first time we meet because it could set the tone for potential future meetings…. If we were to choose to meet up again. I just don’t know and I don’t want to ruin anything a potential friendship or more. (not ready to define this at all yet or predict the future. Just enjoy it for what it is.)

So let me describe a typical attack. I start to feel like this “fight or flight” type of reaction. My heart starts to beat faster and faster, I get shaky, panicked a bit, like I just have to get the heck out of this situation (whatever it is). If I’m at a store and one happens, everything gets very tunnel vision like…. Like I can only see directly in front of me and everything around me is blurry. Sometimes my voice shakes or I can’t really talk, I can’t raise my voice to the point where people can hear me (Like whispering but I can’t make it get louder) or I might have the opposite problem, where my voice is just really loud and shaky. My breathing gets hard like someone is sitting on me. I might get cold or I might get too hot. Now not all of these happen each time, these are just the really bad ones. Usually I’m just a bit shaky.

I wish I could control this. I wish it was just that simple that I could think about it and it would stop. I have taken meds for it in the past but just don’t feel comfortable with that long term. My strategy is this:

- Stay in my comfort zone most of the time. (Routine is very good) My comfort zone is the Houston Area. Living in Fargo about killed me! (Oh and yes I was in the Navy but I didn’t really have this problem, or at least not like this…).

- But at times, force myself to do new things! Like meeting people. I rarely let these attacks stop me completely. I do try to push through it because I know the reward is on the other side. I had a great time in Chicago so much so I did it the next year too, but this time to Baltimore.

- I know my limits. I try to shop when I know there won’t be too much of a crowd and if I just can’t go into the new store today, I will try tomorrow.

Back to the point of self-esteem. I think this really influences it because it makes me worry that people will leave me or think that I’m strange for this and that why can’t I just control it? I can’t except with meds and I don’t feel comfortable with that long term but I have BTDT and I know it is an option if I were to get really bad. I have never been out of my mind with it. It’s just me shaking and nervous-like until I can get myself to relax. I can have normal thoughts and if my voice is okay, I can have a normal conversation. Unless you can tell that I’m shaking, most people probably won’t know. However, I might seem rushed or anxious though which might come off as rude or I might seem almost snobby because I’m just trying to hold myself together.

I hate this about me and if I had one wish right now…. Well I probably would waste it on getting a super model body but, if I had two wishes this would be my second wish… To not have anxiety attacks anymore!

Writing my Obituary

That probably sounds a bit morbid but stick with me to see what I mean…

Today I read a very nice obituary. Someone at work lost her mother recently. I was asked to order flowers for the service. I was given a copy of the obituary as a reference for the service information.

She sounded like such a wonderful and interesting person. One line from the obituary said, “Now don’t you wish you would have met her?” and I was thinking yes, yes I do wish I would have met her. And, that is the point of “writing my obituary.”

I actually have thought about this quite a bit lately because I feel like the last several years I have not been living my life but letting life direct how I live. I don’t have a true hobby or many friends that I just hang out with or a list of fun things that I do with my kids. I neglect to call my own grandmothers and never call my brothers first. I don’t talk much to my aunts, especially those I’m close too. My friends probably think I’m the worst because I can never just hang out and rarely call them. And basically if I can't do it online (like email) I don't.

I want all those things. I want to have BBQs at my house with several close friends and their children running around or babies being passed around and admired. I want to have a weekly game night with the kids, special picnics at the park or whatever else that they will remember when they are my age.

I want to do something spectacular that years from now people will remember me. I have big dreams and big ideas. These alone could put me on the map to being remembered and would lead to a great obituary!

There are so many things on my list; from writing a book to getting back in shape to traveling to opening my own business to just enjoying the little things to making get memories with my children to scrap booking all my pictures.

So what is stopping me? School, work, kids, house stuff, money, my own lack of motivation and my lack of time management skills which I used to say I was good at but for some reason nothing works anymore!

There is a song that Tim McGraw performs called “Live like you were dying”. This is kind what I’m talking about. The story of the song is a guy finds out he has cancer and is having a conversation with someone who asks what he did when he found out…. The guy says “I went skydiving; I went rocky mountain climbing…..” And on and on a list of things he did.

Live each day like it was your last, make it full, make it memorable. Stop and smell the roses and share that with someone you love (No this is not a line from the song but my own thoughts).

I want to set a goal for myself, right now, that I will start writing my obituary… live like I was dying…. leave a legacy. So that one day someone will read about me, my actual obituary, and say “I wish I would have met her.”

Divorce Sucks

With the divorce, comes new hope but if some of us can't get past the hurt, then what?

So K is doing really bad with this. She has done and said everything I would expect and then some. I feel so bad because I never went through this like she is now. My parents never got a divorce and are still together today.....

She has said I cannot date, get remarried and has threatened to be rude, mean and hurt anyone I date, etc. There has been more but that's the bulk of it.

So fast forward to this morning. She was asleep on the couch. I was on the computer which is in the same room.... She starts talking and crying in her sleep. She was crying for her daddy. Then I woke her and she was just crying so hard saying she had a bad dream.

This freakin' sucks!!!! I don't want her to hurt so badly.

Divorce sucks.....

School

I don't think I have talked much about school yet, if at all. I have been attending University of Phoenix online since November 2002. I will finish February 2007.

It has been an adventure that isn't quite over yet. I have taken so many classes from Algebra to History to Ethics to .... well here is the list of what I have taken so far....

SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING I
CONTEMPORARY ISSUES IN AMERICAN BUSINESS
COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR CAREER GROWTH
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING II
WRITTEN COMMUNICATION
ESSENTIALS OF COLLEGE WRITING
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS I
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS II (5 WEEK COURSE)
CRITICAL THINKING
MANAGEMENT: THEORY,PRACTICE, APPLICATION
ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR
CRITICAL THINKING: STRATEGIES IN DECISION MAKING
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION I
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION II
COMPUTERS AND INFORMATION PROCESSING
EMPLOYMENT LAW
ECONOMICS FOR BUSINESS I
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS I
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS II
MARKETING
PUBLIC RELATIONS
ETHICS IN MANAGEMENT
ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND ETHICS
THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE SINCE 1945
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IN THE WORKPLACE
GLOBAL BUSINESS STRATEGIES
QUALITY MANAGEMENT AND PRODUCTIVITY
E-BUSINESS
INTERDISCIPLINARY CAPSTONE COURSE


Its a long list! I just have a few more and then I'm finished. Currently I am in a history class and having a really hard time with it. I love history normally but for reason I can't get in to it this time around. At least there are only a few more days and on Tuesday... I will be in a whole new class! I just have to finish my portion of the team assignment, participate in the class discussions for the next 3 days and write my weekly summary. Done.

That's the beauty of these online classes. They are each only 5 weeks long so by the time I have had it, its over.

I am so ready to move on with my life and not be in school. I feel like I'm missing so much of life right now! And, I'm just counting down the days until I have that degree in hand and I'm free. What will I do with my time? Maybe I'll get around to writing my book.... but that's a whole different topic and not to be discussed today. ;)

Kids are home!

They were gone two days shy of 2 weeks but it seems like much longer and yet, no time at all. They all seem bigger, older and wiser some how. I missed them so much and was so happy to see them.

Ya know, its time like this that I am so thankfu for them. I am glad that I am with them and they are with me. I also think of people that have children yet do not love them, abuse them and/or just in general neglect them. It is so sad to me that someone could not want their children.... some people have children and just abandon them.

I missed my children and just wasn't myself without them. I just can't imagine not having them with me all the time... or at least most of the time.

Friends with kids

Last night I went over to my friends' house. They have a new baby. This is what gave me the idea for this blog!

Many of my friends have had kids before I met them. But, its the ones you know before kids that I want to talk about. It is different this way.

So backup a little, I met them almost 6 years ago. We all worked for the same company. The cutest couple ever and you could just tell how much they loved each other. Of course they got married, . Then just a few months ago had their first baby. I always thought they would be good parents. But, ya know, it is never how you picture it. They are so cute!!! Of course the baby is just adorable but to watch them, these people that I knew prior to, now with this cute little baby. Wow. It is just amazing. They aren't just good parents, they are great and this little boy is going to be a great kid and person because of them.

Then I have another friend. I have known her since 5th! I credit her with teaching me all the "bad" words. Ha! Anyway, she now has two little boys. I always knew she would have kids and its so neat to hear her talk about them. One has special needs and she has just taken it in stride. I mean, what can you do but just keep on move'on. I admire her strength.

Then there is my ex-boyfriend from HS. He is now married with kids. Its so hard to think of this person that used to sneak out of the house to meet me, now raising two children and actually <> being a grownup! His son is disabled. And, again, this is one family that I just admire because I just can't imagine how they do it. Its just amazing to me the strength and dedication it must take.

And, the last is a friend that I had from the Navy. We were actually pregnant with our first together. We both had girls and we learned to be moms together. I know I learned from her and I hope that she learned some things from me. That was a neat friendship and I still value her today, though the distance between us makes it hard sometimes. I do still think of her as my best friend. She now has four children and the youngest has special needs.

So that's it. I'm just amazed by all my friends. Their strength and caring and love for their children! I hope to learn more about my friends, especially the new parents, as I watch them grow with their children.

Hug your babies!

One more day.....

Just one more day and my babies come HOME! Hurray.

And, I have learned that I can be away from them and be okay. I didn't actually do much for or by myself but it was still nice to have free time in the evening. I hadn't realized how much time it takes to just care for them.

I wouldn't trade it for the world!

My Brothers

I don't know if my brothers were always so important to me. I like to think so and actually I do remember that they were, but for some reason as an adult I really value them more.

In Sept 92, I left for the Navy. I was 19, bro #1 was 17, bro #2 was 15.

In Dec 93, I got married. Bro #1 got married in May. Bro #2 was just in HS and was shocked by us all.... okay maybe not but he didn't get married!

In Jan 1999/Dec 1998 timeframe, Bro #1 and Now-ex-SIL cut off contact with our family. And, yes that is exactly what it sounds like. They moved and did not tell anyone in our family where. They asked that nobody contact them, call or anything. (They had just had their 3rd child)

It wasn't until 5-6 yrs later that he would come back in the "family circle".

In the meantime, I'm still in the Navy from 1992-2000. My parents move from H-town to Colorado, in 1996. In 1998/9, they decided to move back here! (Right before the contact was cut off, I think?!). Bro #2 meets and falls in love with his wife! (She is awesome).

In 2000, we move back after I get out of the Navy. I move back and my brothers aren't around. It was weird. Bro #2 visits and we talk on the phone but gosh it isn't the same. He has changed so much and has turned out to be this great guy! Everyone should have someone in their lives like him. He is a great husband and a great father.

So in Aug 2003, we move to North Dakota... Yuck. Live there until July 2005 and the kids and I move back. By this time, Bro #1 is in the Army and the kids are spending a lot of time getting to know my parents and family which is soooo GREAT! My bro changed so much, for the good, now that he is in the Army and actually being divorced has helped a lot too, I'm sure. Ya know when two people aren't just made to be together. She is happier and he is happier and at the end of the day, that's what matters.

This last year has been so great. Christmas 2005 was the first time both my brothers and I have been together in YEARS! I don't even know, maybe Christmas 1992 when I was fresh out of boot camp, or maybe it was 1993 but whatever, it was a long time. Then today I will get to see Bro #1 for the first time in maybe 14 yrs for his birthday. Yes today is his 31st b-day. Hence the reason I felt the need to write about my brothers.

I really value them and they are both great people. I'm so proud of how they have turned out. It took Bro #1 going in the Army but ya know, I had to join the Navy to grow up and I feel I still have some work to do.... how boring would it be if we were all done growing up.... ah, I feel a new blog topic coming on!

"Have you talked to the kids?"

In a word... NO. I'm not sure why and even more strange is that I don't feel the need to talk to them. That sounds bad, let me explain! I guess I figure this is a rare chance with their dad and even more rare with his parents and sister. I don't want to distract or disturb them. I think if I call then they will get sad because K already was feeling guilty over leaving me and I had to tell her I would be fine and well I am. The boys might be okay if I called but ya never know what you get with L. He might be okay but then later start crying. He is just 4 so its still okay!

They will be back on Friday so just a few more days and the most important thing I have learned is.... I'M BORING!

I had all these plans and then just haven't felt like doing anything. So in a way, I have done what I wanted. I did have hot wings one night. I can't always do that with the kids because K is the only one that actually eats them, the boys will want something else so I end up spending way too much. $12 and I had enough for two meals.

Also I cleaned. Still have some things to do but it is cleaner than normal! I think it actually smells clean! Big bonus.

No new plans for excitement. Heck I don't even think I'm going to do anything on the 4th and I get Friday off too! Have I mentioned I LOVE my new job!? No? I LOVE IT!

So to answer the world. No I haven't talked to my kids. I do not plan to call them and yes I'm okay with that!

Clothing and the fashion challenged

My name is EJ and I’m fashion challenged. I have very limited clothing because I end up by things that look like crap or I ruin them in the wash (I’m laundry challenged too). But, in an effort to dress better, I have bought some nice things.

Today is a black sweater set (tank and cardigan style) with a long silver/gray skirt. It’s really cute actually. Here is my problem which has nothing to do with the actual fashion of the item, lint and cat hair! Yes folks, black clothing I have issues with because I have long haired cats, oh they are mostly white too. I also seem to be a magnet for that dusty lint that just makes you look at…. Slobby, I guess is the right word. I know everyone can see it and the more I try to get it off, the more I seem to attract.

I really need to go on What Not to Wear because I need help and maybe I need to shop at some of those “high-end” stores they are always showing because maybe then I won’t attract so much lint, dust and cat hair….. because I will be spending so much, right??

Next time we will discuss my challenge with laundry!

Dating Updates

It seems I have left some dating loose ends. So I mentioned a guy that I wanted to email and then did and then waited for…. NOTHING. He never emailed back but ya know its fine really, it turned out okay because there is another guy that I’m chatting with and really that’s all I want. Some person to talk to and get to know. Not sure how serious he is about moving it forward at some point, because frankly it’s too soon for that. He is a nice guy so far and seems to have some interests that would be fun to know more about! One just happens to be something that my grandfather (paternal grandfather that we lost last summer) used to do and I have always been very fascinated with it since I was just a tiny girl. So crossing my fingers that it works out to be a little more than chatting but have no intention of rushing it because that just leads to my next story….

I was talking with someone else and had actually met said person. Sometimes things just don’t work. Not for any other reason than it wasn’t a match. He wanted more, faster than I wanted more and he is a nice guy but I don’t want to pushed, though I seem pushy and rushed to date. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes but not to define our relationship/friendship exactly and just have fun and laughs without strings.

Sounds like I want my cake and eat it too… Ah well, that’s my update. Again, dating sucks….

The phone call

Since the kids are with dad, I have been waiting for that phone call. The one that starts with “There has been an accident….” And ends with me dropping dead on the floor… Okay not so dramatic (I just don’t know where K gets it!) but here is the thing. While I tend to be more laid back about things like toys all over the house or ice cream in the car (have ya seen those pics?). He tends to be a little less, what’s the word… watchful maybe? Or less safety aware or some something that makes me fear for my children’s safety. Ya see here is the thing again; they take after me in that they tend to be accident prone, especially oldest son. And, then the girl is just more dramatic about any injury or illness making it really hard to determine if she is truly in pain and needs to seek medical attention or not. Then of course the other son just turned 4 and because he such older siblings, doesn’t always realize limitations.

So here I am happily sitting at work and I get a call that starts with a much panicked voice, “It’s an emergency!” What? Oh my gosh (OMG). “L says his toothbrush is not his but he has a different one.” WTF! Are you kidding me? “He is saying you will say yes. Will you talk to him?” Um sure. L use the toothbrush. “I don’t want to” Sorry you have to, can I talk to your dad again. ….. This is not an emergency and I’m at work. “It was an emergency.” He is not going to brush his teeth with that toothbrush right now, it is not a big deal to let him calm down (he is stubborn like… well honestly both myself and ex-h, so that’s not good)… He can brush his teeth later. “Okay”

Now I have probably done this a few times myself, called when it wasn’t an emergency but for the record I would never start with “It’s an emergency”, I would have said, “I need your help….” I know we all have moments that we just can’t handle. So that is how my day is going.

One emergency averted!

Dating sucks

Period. There is nothing else to say about it.

Okay so I got the nerve up to email that guy. Now waiting to see if he actual replies. I don't know if I said it in my last entry but I think I had emailed him once before but it was back in April when I first started looking and my profile was really lame. I just rewrote it lately. I think it finally sounds like me and so if he doesn't reply that's fine because I now feel like I know what I want and who I am.

Even ex-h has noticed that my confidence is coming back and he even noticed that I have lost weight! Now that is HUGE because he was always telling me how fat I was... Nice, huh? There is a good reason we are getting a divorce. Ha, ha! But, he noticed and that makes me feel great and makes me want to go work out! Whoohoo.

But, I'm into taking risks right now. Trying hard to step out of what is my norm and what is comfortable but it sucks because its really hard for me. Anyone that knows me well, knows I suffer from anxiety and mostly if I stay in my comfort zone, I can get through life with only minor set backs. But, dating is just really hard and about putting yourself out there.

Soooo anyway, I emailed the guy that I would really like to date and if he doesn't reply will that's fine because I tried and that just means he wasn't the right one! I'll move on and see if I can catch the attention of one of the others I have emailed also!

Dating sucks!!!

Today

So my babies have gone with their dad for the next few weeks. What to do? What to do?

Today I have not done too much. Mostly wandered around and watched TV. Also did some surfing on the net. Saw a guy on one of those dating websites that I would be interested in contacting but honestly, haven't had the best luck with that.

I look at it this way though, the right one hasn't come along yet.

Also today is my daughter's 12th b-day. Wow, 12. I can't believe I have had someone so long. She is so special to me.

Well I guess I need to get back to my busy schedule of.... watching more TV and who knows, maybe I'll get the nerve to email this guy and see if anything happens.