Dating and Relationship advice

I get emails from time to time, a lot more lately, asking my advice on relationships and dating. Wow. Who would have thought that I would be giving such advice? I am no expert and I don't claim to be.

**** NOTE: This advice can go for men or women but I am writing it as if I am talking to women about men.****

And I have given out a lot of advice (only when asked for it) but not many people seem to have taken it. They ask me because what they have been doing isn't working and then ask me, and then don't take my advice.... and so the relationship doesn't seem to work. Not saying it would have worked but ya know, your way isn't working.

Seems weird to ask a Single/Divorced mom about relationships too, doesn't it? I didn't date much before getting married. Enough but just a lot of casual sex.... Yeah I admit it. Then I was married for nearly 13 yrs and I really didn't date a whole lot after. I mean I meet Goofball (yeah he needs a new name) pretty soon after we filed for divorce. I did date though.

I guess what I know about my style of dating was I was doing it for fun and to have a grown up and a male to talk to. I went out with goals and an idea of what/who I wanted. I also really understood myself, though that does change over time, I am still finding pieces here and there of myself. I knew what I would put up with and what I just wouldn't. I wasn't going to settle.

Top on my list was respect. If you do not respect me, then see ya. I am not sure I can explain what respect is like for me, but I think it is little things like not asking me to change who I am to be who you think I should be.... Okay maybe that is a big thing. But, oh, oh what about opening doors for me. It doesn't have to be all the time, sometimes I get to the door first or am in a better position to open it, no bigs, but most of the time.... Awesome. Not walking in front of me like you "own" me. Again sometimes it will happen that I will just be behind but ya know, there is a difference.

Then there is affection, like hand holding, touching, little kisses. Even just telling me I am beautiful or sexy. Awesome. Yes words can be considered affection too.

And for activities and beliefs, well those don't have to jive completely but I want someone that likes music, likes kids and animals, that can be happy sitting around playing video games as he is going for a walk or to the zoo or to play tennis or bowling.

Really that is about it. Respect though is a big one.

So when I was ready to date I decided to do online dating. I do just about everything online as it is so it made sense to me. I also made up my mind not to get frustrated by it. If I found someone, cool and if I didn't, cool. Nothing serious either, I wasn't looking for a husband.

Then as I started to email with people, I wasn't pushy and if they stopped talking to me, well fine. I wasn't going to chase someone.

But I will admit here that when I started emailing Goofball, there was a time when I didn't hear from him for about 24 hours and given the days (or the week) before, he had emailed me much more regularly. So I did end up sending him something that said, "What would you do if you were emailing with someone and they suddenly stopped?" I think there was more but I really can't remember that was the jest of it though. I know that sounds like a hypocrite but I honestly wanted a guy to answer me that question. If he wasn't into me, fine, just answer that question. Do I move on and just assume he found someone else? Was he the person that just got in a massive wreck on the interstate? I just don't know. I just had gotten the impression that this guy was the right one to ask that question too. He wrote back and the rest was history.

I also fully believe in the "He is just not that into you" theory of thinking. Don't chase a "dead" relationship. If he isn't writing you back, calling and making time for you, and only seems to come around for sex, he isn't into you. Move on! There is someone out there who will be into you! You rock. You shouldn't settle (Okay serious not talking to anyone specific).

Be yourself but don't be pushy. Do not email him 50x a day when he doesn't reply. This is being pushy.

Again, I will admit that I sometimes would email Goofball a few times in a row (still do). But I really tried to control myself and not be that girl. I have really tried hard to be the laid back, cool chic that I know I am but sometimes in a relationship I can go ape-crazy and be all needy. I have admitted to him when I have a weak moment or need some reassurance. It seems to work out because I just have my moment and he gives me what I am looking for, I move on. All happy.

I could go on and on but I will just say this one last thing. Do not ask other people to change for you. If he likes to watch football on Monday night, then just say, "Cool. I'll see you on Tuesday." Or whatever. This is who he was before you and do not expect him to change. NOW, if he likes to watch Monday night football and he wants to include you or misses it for you from time to time. Awesome but do not expect this to be the norm or that he is changing for you. He is adjusting to the relationship, he wants to spend some time with you and show you a different side of himself. It is an enjoy the moment type of situation. So enjoy it!

Have high standards but low or no expectations.
Enjoy the moments.
And bottom line love yourself and understand who you are.

Happy dating!

"Our Emotionally Disposable Culture"

This was the name of a blog on IHeartSingleparents.com that really caught my eye. It was written by a guy named Jordan (I hope he doesn't mind me using his name but just giving credit)

I have been reading a lot that he has written and I can't say I disagree with him on much of any of it. He is younger than me but in a lot of ways older because of his level of thinking. I always admire people like this..... the ones that make me think.

Anyway, I replied to him but wanted to write about it because it was so thought provoking that I can't stop thinking about it.

So here is how I took what he wrote: He was saying that our culture has become very disposable in thinking. We have plastic water bottles, but throw them out when they are empty, only to get a new one. The bags we take home from the store - disposable.

Then he said as single parents, (either by choice or not) are we showing our kids that relationships are disposable.... Okay sort of he said I'm really not trying to incite guilt, but to shine a light on the issue that people in general are too quick to change what doesn't fit perfectly.

Wow. That says a lot to me. I started to reply right away but the words didn't form up. So I clicked off and thought about it. Came back read it again. Clicked off.... and after a while I finally came back and replied to him.

My reply was that I hope that my actions do not show my children that relationships are disposable. My ex and I spent a long time trying to work it out. It was 1998 when I knew it had to end and that things with us would not be the same. 8 years later we were both finally able to walk away for good.

You often hear, "Don't give up." "Try and try and then try again".... things like that. (More on this to be published tomorrow)

I didn't give up for a long time. It wasn't something that either of us took lightly. We wanted to make it work as much for the kids as for each other and for all those that say "Marriage is hard."
But at some point you just have to admit that it is okay to walk away. It is okay to give up and it is okay to throw away so to speak. Not in the disposable way but in the "I tried my best but this is a no win situation" kinda way.....

For me, I didn't want my kids to think THAT type of relationship was okay to be in either. I would rather them learn to dispose of rather than sit in a very unhappy to the point of very mental ill relationship. Had I not got out at the point I did, I have no idea if I could be a productive member of society today. I might be locked up in a very soft room where I would mumble to myself in a completely made up world just happy because reality does not exist to me anymore.

Our relationship was very toxic. I am still unpacked and purging emotional baggage from it or finding pieces that still hurt. So are the kids. But each day we get better and the baggage and leftovers gets lighter and fewer.

They see me now, happier, healthier and not rushing into a relationship just for the sake of it. I hope that the choices I am making are showing them that relationships are not disposable. People are not disposable. Our emotions are not disposable.

As for plastic bags and bottles, well it is on my list of things for us to work on.

Recycle, reuse, reduce