I hate our custody agreement!!!

There I said it! I can't believe after all this time I am still very bitter and angry about it. I actually just got in a really heated discussion (okay a fight) with my ex about it. It freakin' sucks! He of course says I made my choice first which led him to move over 200 miles away. But whatever!

So our custody agreement is really not an agreement in writing so much as it is just .... well a mess. I can only count on certain times of the year that he will for sure have the kids. A week at Christmas, Spring break and at least a month (or a bit more) in the Summer. That's it. Anything else is kind of a surprise. This past year he did come help out a few times so I could travel for either work or pleasure. However, I can't always count on it.

I mean if he lived in town, we could do the every other weekend thing. Then that is something I could count on and plan for.

But don't get me wrong, I love being here for my kids just about everyday. They know I am here. They know what they get from me.

Selfishly I wish I could have more me time. I have things I want to do and most of them involve spending really good alone time with Goofball.... I loved having the house to myself this summer. I loved having him here with me. We could just get up and do or hang out without being disturbed or worrying about "will the kids hear"... It is really selfish but I really like my relationship with him and I feel like everyday is so special. I always feel like everyday I don't see him, I am wasting time, losing time or something like that.

Now that sounds like I am super clingy... Yeah maybe a little but honestly I also like it when he gets some guy time with his friends (or cousins or just for himself). It is really good for both of us to have that time.

I want to develop my friendships as well. I have some really great friends that I never get to see! I have "Working Moms" guilt still over working all day and then going out at night. I don't know how to balance it even after all this time. I guess it is really more "Single mom" guilt and "You're dad isn't here so I feel the need to make it up to you and overcompensate therefore not having a life myself" guilt.

There is also the fact I just don't think I can leave them for long because my daughter is really at an age that I feel I need to be here. She is a Sophomore now in High school. If I am out, what is she doing? I come home to a house full of teens and no matter how many rules I make, I have to work and she knows it. Therefore, she has her friends come while I am at work. I did it too! I am scared! Thankfully her brothers are around but how much longer can I count on them to keep her out of some trouble. Not much.... The one son is a teenager too.

So those are my dilemmas and hatred at my custody agreement. I don't get "me" time. I don't get "couple" time and I worry about leaving for long periods of time because I have two teens now.

Granted even if their dad lived here, would I really get my time? I don't know but I can dream. It is kind of the grass being greener thinking that leaves me bitter. I know I need to let that go because it is really only hurting me and there is NOTHING I can do about it. He will never live here and I will never live there. (Okay I say I will never but if there was a job.... I might)

I guess I just need to figure out how to balance my life and to balance being a mom to teens.

I miss my babies!!!!!

and tonight reality hit me hard in the heart. I just want them back, safe with me. I feel stupid, betrayed and lied to. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am back in that very controlling relationship where I can't do anything to help my children.

With the remodel starting this week, I can't bring them home yet. With construction people going to be coming in and out during the day, they can't be home alone. School starts at the end of August..... but even then, the remodel will still be going on. There is no good time right now.

I am just so sad. So miserable and feeling so stuck. I miss them. I hate hearing their sad voices and the tone of their voices is changed. I keep asking them "Are you okay?" They typically say yes but tonight a lot of the stuff came pouring out (separately). I told them they would be home soon and I missed and loved them.

It really just breaks the heart and turns on the mommy bear instinct. I want to tear someone up for the way they are treated. This is why I wanted a divorce but also why I stayed so long. I felt like I could "control" more of the behavior and support them more if I was in the same house. Now I am just at a loss. They are just too far for me to help them.

OMG.... I am going to cry. I am going to scream. I am going to throw things.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

July 3, 2008

I have been a bit quiet lately. There has just been so much going on! Stuff I will try to blog about soon, but today is a special day. Today my ex got remarried to a wonderful lady. I have told her that I couldn't have picked a better step mom for my kids. She has said she will take care of them and keep communication open with me. We have a very special relationship and now that seems to have become more special.

I know it may seem weird to many but I think this is the best case scenario for us and I actually love it. I am very happy that I did reach out to her and start the friendship because it really has given so much back to me. She is amazing with my children. Us having a friendship has really helped my children too. K is far less dramatic and stressed over the divorce and the new people her parents' life's.

As hard as it was at first to see him so happy with someone else and to see someone else just full to bursting with love for him, I put that aside for my kids and I have been surprised that I am reaping some many benefits from it as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish them the best and hope many, many years of happiness for them.

Will I still hold some resentment over his "freedom" and ability to move on so quickly, and the fact he lives so far away and so many things? Yes I might but I feel it is normal to feel that way. I feel that way less often than I once did and now it is only when something major happens and I just really need that extra parent to be there. But I am getting through it and I know that my kids respect me for it. They know who is here everyday and that means a lot to me.

In fact today I asked my daughter to be strong, after all she is my daughter. She said I know, we are strong. and I just grinned and thought, yes ma'am we are.

..... and they are gone......

I have been pretty quiet the last several days because I have been trying to get the kiddos ready to go with their dad for the summer. Well today was the day!

I have a mix of feelings over it. Happy to sad to lost to scared and everywhere in between.

One thing that has me a little scared is how things are changing. See their dad and his girlfriend .... they are getting married this summer. We just told the kids today. K is pretty upset but I know she likes her. But K says she doesn't want a stepmom.

I like her myself and told her I couldn't have picked a better stepmom for my kids. She really is great. We have been talking for weeks and I have been giving her more of an idea of who my kids are. I don't think their dad really knows them anymore.... at least not like I do.

Not to mention they are a very cute couple and much, MUCH better suited to each other than he and I ever were so I am so thrilled for them (mostly her).

I guess we will see how they do after another long stay with them. Last summer they came back a bit of a mess so I hope they do better this year. The only thing I DON'T want to happen is for L to lose his first tooth with them. Silly I know but I am with him almost all year and I want to be there for his milestones..... I feel like I have earned and it is what I signed up for! The ex chose to move rather than be here for the day to day stuff. I'll deal of course but still....

Soooo my plan is just to chill out a lot. Have some quiet and downtime. I also want to spend some quality time with Goofball.... I am crazy about that man.

Enjoy your summer all!

"I have bad words stuck in my head"

These are the words my 5 year old said to me through tears after he heard me fighting with his father over the phone. Broke my heart I tell you. and hmmm, yeah I did say bad words. Hey I used to be a sailor, what can I say?

They haven't heard me fight with their father in a long time. We used to do it all the time when we were married. (something I hated but he would actually drag them into it)

I am not saying it is right that I fought with him in front of them (over the phone) but it happened and it was things that had to be said, for them and for me. He never takes what I say seriously. It is, again, issues of visitation. I realize he lives in Dallas and I live in Houston. I get that but for the record we were living here before he moved FROM HERE TO THERE! So who made the choice?

I told him things that I tell him all the time but I just keep hoping that if I say it enough or in different ways, that something will click and he will get it.

At any rate, I am not going to feel bad for what I said, just that I said it in front of the kids. L keeps reminding me that I said those words and that they are stuck in his head (then he announces they are gone, for now).

I am sure that won't be the last fight they overhear but I do try and will continue to try to keep it between he and I.

My totally weird weekend (and it isn't over yet)

It started on Friday. I got to see Goofball Friday night. I don't think I have EVER seen him on a Friday night. We have schedule issues so this was a great surprise! Wait, surprise? That might not be the right word there but ya know.... it was great! We had planned to go out but my kids were tooo hyper to be left. So we just hung out. K who usually does not like having him around too much said she had fun and she even said "...and I didn't think I would."

Why were the kids so hyper you might wonder? There dad came to visit this weekend.

K had a drama competition yesterday at her school. He and the girlfriend came down to watch. This worked out GREAT! Because I got to help out at the school which was awesome. I was a judge. The kids were so cute and some of them have some really talent at acting. I judged all day! K had events all day but I didn't get to see any of them but got to see her between events.

And you may be wondering about my ex and his girlfriend. Some funny things happened, like at one point he asked me, "What was that look for?" I said innocently, "What look? I'm not married to you any more.... I don't give you looks." His girlfriend who I think I love (ha, ha), started cracking up. She loved it. We have gotten to be really good friends thus far.

So then after the drama thing, somehow I ended up with an extra kid. One of K's friends was spend the night. I think they knew I was weak from lack of food and fatigue of the day.... Just kidding! I love this girl so I am glad to have her over.

Well the ex and his GF were going to take the kids out to dinner but we had one problem. They don't have a car big enough so I was asked along. So me, my three, K's friend, the ex and his GF enjoyed dinner ON HIM!!!! Ha, ha! Thanks.

But, before dinner we were hanging out here at my house. The GF and I were hanging out in my room talking about .... well everything. Then we started looking through old pics of the kids. Then after dinner she rode with me and the girls back to my house. We all sang the whole way. That was fun!

But, the best part of the whole thing was the look of worry on the ex's face as his GF and his ex-wife shared secrets, shared new inside jokes and shared a ride home. Priceless!!!!!

They are here now and I haven't gone out to say anything yet. I had a rough night. Poor Cowboy was in his crate longer than usual yesterday and had I any foresight at all, I would have asked my mom to come over just after lunch to let him out for a few mins or so. Anyway, he was NOT tired so he played with his toys, tried to play with me and paced a lot!

I guess I better get out there....

Must be nice

I am so angry tonight. My ex isn't able to watch the kids at the end of May for me so I can go on a business trip.

And, yeah before you say anything a father should NOT have to WATCH his own kids but basically that is what it boils down too.

I guess I am more disappointed. I really want to further my career. Being able to travel without worrying about the kids.

Now don't get me wrong I love my kids and I am so glad that I am with them everyday. I really wouldn't trade them for a better career (I have a pretty fab job actually).

I guess it is just a bit of the grass is greener or maybe I just thought once divorced we would have a "normal" custody schedule. I really guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from him. He was really not as involved a father as I thought one should be. He has his way and I guess in ways I just have to forgive that and just do the best for me and the kids. They see what I do daily and they know. The two older ones tell me.

But still.... Ya know?

Volunteering at school and some ex stuff

Once upon a time, I used to be an involved parent. I sent in things to class, to the teacher, volunteered to help at parties, field trips, etc.....

Those days are long gone or so I thought.

I have started trying to volunteer more at the schools. Well so far just K's school. But since it is working out well, I am hoping that soon I can start doing it with the boys' schools.

Anyway, K has gotten involved in Drama and it is the perfect activity for her. I love helping out too. So far just one play but it was fun. It was soooo fun!

This Saturday I am helping to judge a drama competition. I cannot wait! How much fun will that be?!?! Oh I will be tired but it will be a blast.

Worst part of the weekend will be the ex being here. He is coming in for K's drama thing. He said they (being he and his gf) will come down for the day. They just couldn't stay overnight or long because of her dogs. Hmmm, fine, why does she have to come?? Or why can't someone watch the dogs? I mean hello I am always inconvenienced with kid stuff and finding care and I have two cats and a dog now. Yeah it sucks but he never has to be inconvenienced like I do. Of course I am not complaining, I'm just saying.

Anyway, to make it easier and because my common sense was left in California, I said if they needed to bring the dogs, they (the dogs) could stay overnight here to make it easier. I am doing it for my kids, not for him. And I honestly have no problem with his girlfriend, honestly don't. But, sometimes I just get soooo frustrated! Why can't he just be a dad rather than a boyfriend? Ack!

So he and I had a long discussion about custody. Basically it ended up with me just whining, bitching and venting, and him, yet again, not taking my feelings seriously. He just blows it off as me needing to air my feelings. Well yes but it is based on my real feelings.

Well whatever, I am happy with my choices with the kids, with my life. I have no regrets at this point and really, isn't that what matters? I hope he can say the same at the end of all this....

Open letter to my ex

Dear M,

I want to discuss this drama between you and K. You have never seemed to understand that the kids need you. You seem to think that being in the same state as them is good enough. That seeing them 2-3x a year and for an extended summer visit is enough. You seem to think calling a few times a week is good enough. But Mister, it is not. They need you. Your daughter is dramatic and seems to have an attitude with you as a front to her real feelings. Don't you get that? She misses you and you barely even consider her feelings in anything you do.

And while I realize that my way of handling things isn't always right. I know you don't agree with my laid back style, it seems to get fairly good results. She trusts me. I validate her feelings. I never tell her she is wrong in how she feels. If that is how she feels, great. Let's talk about it. And, yes again, you don't agree with me on a lot of things. But right or wrong, I think about the children in every decision I make. Every decision. Some of my decisions may not look like it but I try to make smart decisions with them in mind.... of course I can't always. Sometimes I do have to come first and so do you.

However, when you do only see them a few times a year, why ruin those few moments by being a jerk. I see your point in not wanting her to come this week because you know she is going to make things more challenging with her drama and moodiness. But, let me tell you, I do not and would not choose to basically disown her because of some petty drama. She is 13. Do you know what that means? Life sucks to a 13 yr old. It just does. And then in her mind she is not treated well when she is with you. She feels like she should be important to you, that you would almost drop everything to spend time with them. Personally I don't think it is too much to ask when they are with you just a few times a year that you make them the center of attention in a way. I am not saying stop your life completely but hey take an interest. And yes she does close up and get stubborn, don't be a baby and clam up yourself. That is counter productive.

More than anything I just wish you would have a good, positive relationship with all your children. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I should listen to the "no expectations" theory of thinking on this. I just don't think it is too much to ask that you have a good relationship with them though. Is it?

Well I guess that is all I had to say on the matter.

Divorce with kids doesn't mean the relationship ends....

Since we have kids, I still have to talk with my ex from time to time. Also, since he doesn't live here, I end up having long phone conversations with him to keep him up to speed, but he tends to ramble. I am getting used to it and, I realize I have to be nice, friendly, polite when we talk even when I want to scream.

However, I think I am getting better, much better with these conversations. In fact, I just got off the phone with him and he was rambling about how he and his girlfriend just bought a new car together. Fine. It didn't bother me at all this time to hear him talk about him, her and their life.

So the resentment and anger are melting as I knew it would. I am sure these feelings will come back from time to time but I do feel better about things.

I know that I will have to have some kind of relationship with him and at some point his girlfriend too because I do realize she is the one. I keep waiting for him to say they are getting married, because I know it is coming. So I just make the best of it all because I am actually happy for him and plus I am very happy with my life. Very happy!!!

I also feel it is important to the children that they see we can be friendly and get along. I want to set a good example for them and I try in everything I do. This is no exception. It has been a struggle but I am getting there. Slowly but I am, and like I said, I am sure there will be more hurdles and bumps but I will just handle them as well as I can and with my children in mind.

Holiday update

We had a great holiday. Nothing super extra ordinary but wonderful at the same time. The kids were so happy and so great! They loved everything that "Santa" got them. And even better they liked the boring PJs that I got them. LOL!

Then around 4:00 pm on Christmas day the ex came and picked them up. I met his new girlfriend. This is one he has been dating since May(ish) and the kids spent most of the summer with. They are living together as well.

Anyway, she did seem very nice and I'm happy about that. The weird part is she is someone I could see myself being friends with under different circumstances, ya know?

Then when they left, I boo-wooed like crazy. Composed myself briefly and headed over to my Aunt's house (where all my family was gathered).... I started all over again. It was not pretty. It was a combination of things: lack of sleep, the fact it was a holiday and relief because honestly I need the break.

Woke up today still in a bit of a funk but feeling better. It just takes some time. Oh plus I got see Goofball today and that is always nice! No better than nice! It is awesome. He makes me smile.

Anyway, I hope you all had a great holiday! I can't believe it is nearly 2008. I still remember thinking, "I can't wait to party like its 1999!" and that year has come and gone.

Can you hear that?

It is the sound of mom getting a much needed break!

So the dad came alllllll the way from The Big D to get the kiddos. I wish I could say I was happy about that. Oh I am but it meant having him in my house. He has always been an ass about my cats and my housecleaning.... and my weight and a ton of other issues that I could see the gears turning in his head.

As it is, he told me that if he had these cats, he would have fed them to a couple rottweilers. Seriously? You're an asshole!

I don't care. I get a break. I have been so busy at work. Beyond busy! So I really need the rest.

Gonna spend time relaxing (read - sleep), some cleaning and then some time with Goofball too.

That's it. That's my plan. It sounds excellent to me.

FYI - I am going to be uber busy from now until Thanksgiving so if I'm not commenting to your blog, its lack of time and energy, not lack of interest!!!!! And, if I'm not writing much in my own, its pretty much the same reason. I'll be in New Orleans next week! Goooood foood!

Bitter... Party of one

Yeah that is me today. A bit bitter. A lot of resentment surfacing today.

My ex text messaged me today about dates for when he would see the kids again. He wrote down the wrong days but I didn't know until I called him to discuss rather than going back and forth on text messages.

Background: He lives in Dallas. It is roughly 4-5 hours away from us.... by car that is. So he doesn't see the kids often because for him work always comes first. Always. And, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that they were with him for 2 months this summer. Well they haven't seen him since.

He plans to see them the weekend of Oct 19th.... Not sure if the girlfriend is coming with him but that was his plan. K doesn't want her to come because she wants time with just her dad. She felt she didn't get enough just dad time because the girlfriend was almost always around. Now I wasn't there so I don't really know how much time she was around .... but hearing from all three kids that she was around a lot, just means she probably was.

So back to the phone call.

I was annoyed with him before I even called him to discuss dates for the kids. I was annoyed because he was text messaging me the wrong dates. We had already talked about this. I was annoyed that he had lied to the kids about the last time I talked to him! I hate that he gets to just be the "fun guy" and I have to always be the bad guy... or at least the one here. Plugged in every single day. I am the one that misses work if the kids have a problem.

So we got the dates down and he starts in with the "small talk".... I'm not wanting to do this part. But, he is just going on and on about this and that. He is in school trying to get his degree. He is always competing with me and really when we were married, I with him. He now wants to get into Human Resources.... That is what I DO! WTF?! I have always talked about being in HR. I have worked in HR before and I'm finally back in it. I'm happy.

But, now he wants to do it too....

But, he was also talking about being a guidance counselor which I thought was just wow... not a good fit for him.

Anywho... basically I got really bitchy. My little passive aggressive self showed its ugly head. I was making rude little comments. But they were the kind that would take you a second to realize I was really being insulting.

I'm not a details person so don't ask what I said.... I have no ideas. I think I said he would be better as a Used Car Salesmen and then said something like no you would be great as a Realtor for Ocean front property in Arizona. Then I said something that I wish I could remember because it was goood, if I do say so myself.

His reply was "thanks.... wait? Was that a compliment or a put down?" Hmm yeah. I said that I am still harboring some anger issues. He said, "Towards me?" Hmmm yeeaahhh, hello.

Anyway, yes I'm angry. Why does he get so much time off as a parent? Why does he not have to be here?

But, yeah know, true to my form, I have to end positive. I am lucky. I am very blessed. He does pay child support. He does call and talk to them. Even though he doesn't see them often, he does. And, while I don't agree with his choices, I am happy for him.

But above it all, I am soooo very glad I am not married to him anymore.

Fighting, fighting and more fighting

I can't stand fighting. I hate it. I don't like doing it and I hate it being around me.

My kids fight more than any people I know. It wears me out. I am actually physical ill right now over the fighting. Each day, each week, each month as they get older, it gets worse and worse.

There is a lot of frustration with the age gaps. K&H are 19 months apart, L is 6/12 and 8 yrs younger than the other two....Not planned it just happens. The older two are competitive thanks to their father (yes, seriously). I know a lot of exes will blame things on the other but ask the kids too. He used to compare them with each other when disciplining them. "H why did you do that? K would have never done that, would you K?" Seriously a conversation that was had all the time when they were growing up. It drove me crazy. There was other things like this. With friends, grades, toys, clothes. He could turn everything into comparing them and he did it in front of them. It was usually H being the scapegoat if you will and yet this kid turns to the dad every time something happens.

L as just always tried to keep up with them. He is so far behind and right now he is at an age that he can almost do things but still a little physically and verbally behind. He is getting there slowly.

So today for example. I'm asleep. L and H were awake. L comes and asks me if he could eat some pepperonis that we had. I think I mumbled "Whatever".... he turned to H and said that means yes. H said no it doesn't and then they started arguing. But at least left my room to do it. Next thing I hear is L yelling out in pain and crying. I get up and L is doubled over holding his stomach. He is 100 pounds lighter and almost 7 years younger than H. So of course I ask H what happened and he starts in, "you always blame me!" and so then we start fighting.

I walk off because well 1 I had to pee and 2 I wanted to put my glasses on so I could see! (I can't see without my glasses.)

I come back and H is on the phone with his dad. WTF?! I didn't even have a chance to talk to them both. Yes both because I know L is just as much to blame for the fighting.

I'm pissed. I'm seeing red pissed. Now wait don't get me wrong, he has every right in the World to talk to his dad. I just feel like dad gets to be the good guy and I have to be the bad guy. I guess I signed up for this but .... wait a minute! He did too when we become parents. When we decided we would have unprotected sex so we could have a baby...... both being naive not really thinking it would happen the very first time.... but I'm just sayin', he had a commitment same as me. And where is he? 4-5 hours away. See he gets to be the fun dad, that sees them a few times a year and for a long visit in the summer. He gets to telephone parent. Be the Popsicle Dad.

But, I made a commitment to these kids, these people that I will be here for them. I will be here when they are sick. When they need to talk, need a hug, need school supplies or money or a ride somewhere. I get all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s.....

If it means I have to endure more fighting to have all the other things, I will do it. I just need to vent sometimes because I soooo can't stand fighting. :)

Stuff about the ex, kids and the summer

I just need to talk this out a bit as it has been bothering me a lot.

So since the kids have come back from their dad's, they have been telling me various stories about their summer. Most of it doesn't bother me or sound out of the ordinary. But there are little things that have me a bit .... I don't know...... bothered.....

One story that is bothering me is that one day K was really grumpy and ignoring her dad (she was upset with him and his girlfriend). So the ex told the boys that they could kick her..... so I guess she was hiding in the closest and the boys were kicking her. Hmm, WTF!?

All of them are talking about being overweight, which yeah true for at least one of them, BUT L is only 5.... and not overweight! Why should he have to hear that? And, I would never, ever, never tell my kids they were fat. I have just talked about better choices, getting exercise. He had them weigh in every week. Not completely a negative but you can't tell me that is positive either.

Then I guess the girlfriend slept over most nights. It is a one-bedroom apartment and the boys slept in the ex's room with him and the girlfriend.... They were on air mattresses. Now it doesn't bother me so much that he had his girlfriend around the kids, but what does bother me about it is that he hadn't dated her long before the kids came, maybe just a couple of weeks. She went to his parents' with them all too.... for two weeks. I don't know, just something about the situation bothers me. I am hoping it is just some jealously because that I can get over, but I can't help but feel it is just a bad situation. Read on....

When the kids were there for spring break, he introduced him to his last girlfriend and while they were with him, he asked her to marry him. They liked her kids and her nephew, who K still talks to. Well three weeks after the kids left, they split up and he moved back to his apartment. That was mid-April..... Then the next time they go to visit him, he has a new girlfriend? I don't know. Maybe I am just jealous.

I have introduced them to Goofball, but not for months and months after we started dating. I don't want to just bring random people around them. But, I guess what works for me and what I am comfortable with isn't what is comfortable for the ex. It just bothers me that he doesn't see them often and then when he does have them, he can't just put his girlfriends off for just a short time. Okay 2 months is a long time but still.... Did he have to see her everyday? Did she have to go with them to the grandparents'? Did she have to do everything with them? Did she really have to sleep over? Have dinner every night? Again, I am probably just jealous but something is still just nagging me about it....

There are other things like yelling at L for having an accident. Making them eat over towels. Threating to spank them if the apartment was even the least bit messy. They said if even one toy was out when he got home, he would go nuts (I completely believe it as he was like that here). Most of the summer, they were alone a lot because I guess the girlfriend had trouble controlling them and she was asked to babysit them. Also once he was stuck in traffic and decided to drive off the road, up a hill (like by an overpass) and around the traffic. What the.....? How is that safe? And, leaving them alone at the pool! when L can just barely swim! Telling K to lie about her age while she is watching the boys at the pool so the ex knew it was wrong to leave them like that, yet he still did it!

And, while none of these things alone really bother me (okay the safety ones do bother me), it is all of them that just grate my nerves.

I know I am not perfect. I know I have trouble controlling them sometimes but I really try to protect them, be a good mom. Everything I do in life, I am thinking about them. I mess up... but I don't know.... I just don't know.

I guess I am just jealous. Why? Not sure.... but that is the only conclusion I can come up with why these things are bothering me.

Children and Body Image

So I talked to the ex today to see how the kids were doing. I didn't get to talk to them but will try to talk to them later. Anyway he was telling me all the things they are doing/not doing.

Like their "new" eating habits and the fact that they are all having to weigh in every Sunday morning. He measured and weighed them, and had them set weight lose goals. K is (almost) 13 years old, 5'5" and weighs @140 lbs. H is 11, 4' 11" and weighs @130 lbs. L is (almost) 5 and is 3'10" weighing in around 45 lbs. Okay not terrible but the two older ones are a bit on the heavy side, more H than K though.

Now this isn't a big deal, really BUT given his history with me and them, I am sooo worried about my children. Will they get an eating disorder? Will they always worry about their body and have a poor body image of themselves? They are all already on their way to it.

K always skips meals. H overeats after he talks to his dad on the phone. and L is only 5 and is always talking about being fat (which he is NOT).

Don't get me wrong some of the things he has done and is doing are great! He is talking to them about "choices" and not allowing them to eat a bunch of junk. He also tries to keep them active.

Things I do as well but I am at fault for their weight problems in the first place! I have a million excuses and reasons for doing this but a lot of times we eat out. There really is no good excuse and I started taking a lot of steps in the right direction with this.

I started making weekly menus and sticking to them. I also discussed with them good choices versus bad, portion sizes and talked to K about not skipping meals.

When they get back from their dad's I had planned to start us all in counseling, both separately and together, or really whatever seems to make sense. I am hoping this will help us all feel better about ourselves as well as help H with his emotional eating.

So anyway, I didn't say anything to him about my worry. I feel like he is only doing some harm but not all. Not to mention, I just feel like its not my business anymore how he interacts with them.

Just a vent

Overall, my life rocks. I love my freedom. I love my job. My kids. My friends..... What sucks is money. I still have no good feeling of security here. I screwed up my account recently which cost me big time. It was just a simple error but I don't have enough money to make an error.... No cushion.

Yet I found out that the ex.... who whines and complains about money far more than me just went out and bought a Wii gaming system..... Are you kidding me? I can barely put gas in my car and feed the kids, my bills are always behind, yet you can do that. Please do not whine to me again.

I can say that at least child support is always on time and always paid.

Okay just had to get this out before I explode from the stress.

Almost Summer

Just a few more weeks of school and then the kiddos go with daddy for most of the summer. What am I going to do with myself? Oh I have plans....

For one I get to work more. I don't mind doing some extra. I like to work most of the time. I mean we all have off days, right? And, sometimes I drag a bit in the morning (not exactly a morning person)... but by the time I get there and get to working, I'm good.

Another thing I would like to do is clean my house, but not just clean, I want to clean out the closest, the shed, the cabinets. There is just junk all over this tiny little house!

Another thing I would like to do is paint. But, not like my house, but get some canvas and just paint. Now by no means am I an artist, just more like a wannabe because EVERYONE in my family seems to be an artist. I am not. I guess I shouldn't say everyone, my dad isn't.... and his mom isn't.... I take after them in many, many things.

What else? I don't think I will be able to but I would like to travel a bit. I want to go see my bro, SIL and nephews in Colorado this summer. I will have a new nephew soon! #3 for my bro and SIL. That is the only must go to place.... anything else would be just extra.

I also hope to have more free time to see Goofball because I don't have to worry about the kiddos. He has a tight schedule but at least I can be open for 2mths for whenever he wants to see me. :)

Other things.... ??? I just don't know! Anything I want.

I am going to miss those kids like crazy but I will not call them. They know how to call me. This is there time with dad. They don't get much so I won't interfere. I will miss K's and L's bday.... I will send them their gifts and will call them but I won't go up there to see them. Again this is their dad's time.

Sooo just a few weeks and I will have free time! Whoohooo! and again, I know I will be missing them like crazy but it is only 2 mths out of a year. I have them the rest of the time.

I'm not a bitch.... all the time!

So the ex isn't feeling good (tummy ache). I think he is also a bit depressed. He called me twice today, just to chat. He sounds pathetic and as much as I would have liked to just tell him to kiss it, I talked to him both times.

See I have a thing for the misfit, underdog, helpless type. Give me your sick, your tired. I will baby them, nurse them, nurture them. I'm pathetic that way. Call me a mother or a woman or maybe just nuts.

Once a upon a time, I was dating this guy named Craig. It was pre-marriage. We dated for about 3mths, broke up because we really didn't like each other enough not to see other people. Well anyway during this 3mths, he got really sick (like had to be in the hospital for a few days and then on bed rest for at least a week). I took care of him. One day when he was feeling better, he said, "You have a good bedside manner..... Thanks."

Anyway, the ex was babbling on and on about how he keeps making mistakes and he keeps missing things and just babble really. I have no idea.... that is why I think he is depressed but doesn't realize it right now.

Of course on some levels I care. I truly worry about his sanity. He isn't a bad guy in that I think he would go nutso on me or the kids, but I think he could definitely become a hermit. The crazy guy that just grunts at you when he passes you on the street. Snapping about the price of grapefruit. He is definitely the type to check out of reality.

Sooo anyway, for the sake of my kiddos (they do need a dad even a somewhat absent one), I talk to him. I get along with him and well heck, it is who I am.

I am a bitch... or I say I can be one, but mostly I am not.