Brainstorming.....and stuff

I have been trying to come up with a new name but I just can't. I love Single Mom Finding Herself.

So for now the blog stays. I am a bit discouraged by the random comments. I guess I might have to fix some things to get that to stop. Blah, boo-hiss. I hate spam. I hate trolls and I hate crap on my blog!!!

In other news, tonight is a bad night. I have been feeling very down lately. Overall I am extremely happy with my life but I still have moments. I think that is normal and most people feel this way.

But my biggest problem remain maintaining friendships. I really struggle with this. I have so many friends but they are mostly casual friends. Or I have bursts of "close" friendships but they don't last long because I struggle to maintain them and we drift apart.

I don't know if this is a mom thing and it is magnified by the fact that I am a single mom.

Again I have very little help locally and it is all I can do just to get us to work and school each day. How can I maintain a friendship?

I do maintain my relationship with Goofball. He is so amazing but I think it is different with someone you are dating. Or it is for me.... Not sure.

I feel guilty (lots of mommy guilt.... working, single, my kids are from a "broken" home guilt).... so when I even think about going to do something outside of the house, I just can't. I hate to be away from them. Plus with two teenagers now, I worry. Worry about what they are doing when I am not there. Worry about if they can handle things if an emergency comes up.

I wonder would life be different if I was married? I would have a partner here so that when I go out, that person is here to ... well I hate to use the word watch them but kind of. I could go out with friends and not worry about them being "alone", "neglected" or that they had a wild party or something equally as teenager-like.

Well that is my ramble for tonight. Thanks for reading....

Still around and kickin'

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.

Crying.... okay not really but almost!

I don't actually cry often. I really don't. I joke about it but I don't actually cry often.

Right now I am right on the edge of tears. I can't help it. It is just how I feel tonight.

I should be happy. I should be thrilled. I'm not so much.

I'm a bit sad. A bit disappointed. A bit.... ready to cry.

I will be okay. I will and I will probably not actually cry..... but damn I feel like it!

UPDATE: Okay so I did. Damn it!!!! and I am still on edge to do it again. Crap! I hate this feeling!

Cryin' for nothin'

Now I have been saying that I have been happier than I have been in a long time and it is true. But, from time to time I seem to suffer from depression. The past 18-19 months it has been very mild and only rearing its ugly head every few months.

So last night I was surfin' the net, just hopping from message board to message board and it hit me like a ton of bricks.... I felt this sudden feeling of sadness, loneliness and well I wanted to cry. My girl was spending the night at a friend's house. My boys were both asleep. My Schoolwork was done. Housework pretty much done, etc, etc. So I was just playin' and that is when I missed one thing in my life.... a partner, a companion.... someone to love me, to hold my hand while we watch tv or listen to music or just sit in silence because we are just that comfortable that words aren't always necessary. Someone that will take care of me and make me feel special and someone I can do the same for.

I started to write this blog entry last night but it wasn't what I wanted to say.

Since last night was just a moment and today I do not feel exactly the same, this blog entry is written from a different view than the one last night. I am happy and while I could complain about my life, the stressors are temporary things. Job, finances all fixable and temporary so why complain? Life is just too short and I really have a good life. I have things that many people only wish for.

And afterall, today is a new day and I have special people in my life that make me happy. They make me feel special and loved. I'm willing to be patient and wait for that right, special person to fill that last little void. I'm willing to work for it, slowly and enjoy every second with getting to know that person. It took one of my aunts over 20 years to find that and I'm willing to wait that long to have what she and my uncle now have. I'm not in a rush. I just have moments from time to time where I miss having that relationship and I know that is normal.

I also know that I will have that someday..... and it will be great because I waited and was patient and took my time getting to know that special person.... whoever he is, wherever he is....

Someday.....