Role Models - Part One

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. With their dad living in Dallas and us in Houston, the 4+ hour drive is a huge distance. With the potential for him to be moving yet AGAIN! I was talking to him today and he said that there was a manager position opening in both Minnepolis and .... well I don't remember the other, Omaha, maybe? All I know is he is going to at least apply and the last time he applied he was the second choice but of course that doesn't mean much. If you're not first, you're last. Right Ricky Bobby?

So since July of last year, he has seen the kids for Labor day, Mid-October, Mid-November, Christmas, Mid-February, March for a week of Spring Break and then April 20-22th when I went to Dallas. This is actually just about every month... but 7 times in 10 months.... Well wow, that's not a lot when your kids are still young and need you, right?

My kids do have role models. My dad, Uncle J, a few of my male cousins who are like brothers and then of course there are my brothers. Though neither of them are here now, they are great role models. My bro, B, is in Iraq. My other bro, J, is in Colorado. Both have kids and both are great dads. I have some friends that could be great role models too. Not just the guy(s) in the relationship but the gal too. My friends B and S are an amazing couple. I don't get to hang out with them much at all but would love to and I think it would be great to be around them with the kids. They are great parents and I truly admire their relationship with each other too. A good couple role model if you will.

See my kids didn't have the best role model of what a relationship should be. We went back and forth about staying together, getting a divorce.... and back and forth and back and forth. At some point you just don't recover from that. Not just that but we didn't fight well. We never seemed to solve anything or at least be able to move on. And, when I say we, I mean him. Yeah, yeah.... its usually the woman but he was the worst grudge holder and would bring stuff back up after I thought it was dead. Well after so many of these fights, I started doing it. I hated this! But, at least I was now fighting on his level. I know, I know two wrongs don't make a right.... but it still felt good.

Sorry, back on track.

Going forward, I will make sure the people I introduce to my children are people I think are good role models. Now when I say that, it is in my eyes they are a good role model and I am pretty critical. I am the judge and jury on who is around my children. This goes for both male and female role models.

My children are my life right now and I want to make sure they are safe and secure, and that they know what a relationship looks like and what not to take in one. You should be happy, period. Not just settle.

Next time: Female Role Models and me.

Different with different people

Kind of in continuation of my "Let's talk about sex" entry from yesterday..... This is another "Are we different with different people?"

I think so.

During a conversation with Goofball, we were basically saying that we had not seen each others "bad" sides. This is good, I think.

My ex used to say I am evil, he is scared of me, that I was selfish and a total bitch. Niiiice. He has said that for a million years (pretty much sometime during the first year, heck first months of our nearly 13 year marriage). But, I think that is because we actually brought out the worst in each other. That is just the way it was (is). As soon as I get on the phone with him, even now, I can feel that side coming to surface. I hate it!

I think when you are with certain people this is just the case. I mean we are who we are but with certain people, we may feel more at ease or we may feel good or a hundred other things.

I'm a fun person, caring and I'm not typically selfish. I think I'm generally a good person and a good listener and tons and tons of other good stuff. I mean we all have a bad side but it is about who we surround ourselves with and our attitudes that matter.

Someone that brings out the good, good stuff. Someone that brings out the bad, bad stuff.

So while I'm not a bitch exactly, I can surely be one at times.... :)

Walking a fine line

...... So the kids are back (of course) and K has been talking to me a lot about her dad and his soon-to-be.... While she likes her future step-brother and sister, she is not that thrilled with the step-mom or her dad. See, back in the fall sometime, he promised her he would not get remarried. He said he respected her too much to do that. She told me about it at the time and I tried to say (without putting her dad down too much) that I couldn't make a promise like that because it was unrealistic. I did say that I had no intentions of getting remarried anytime soon but I would hope that someday I would find someone that I loved that much and that I hoped she would want the same for me. We have talked about this a lot actually.

Well she told me that her dad broke that promise and now she cannot trust him. She did say she could trust me. I said are you saying that just to make me happy and because you think that is what I want to her? She looked me right in the face and said no, its the truth. So as we talked, I tried really hard, really hard! not to bad mouth her dad but also to discuss the issue and give respect or validation to her feelings. She can feel that distrust and I explained that was one of the many reasons that we got a divorce because he just couldn't keep promises to me. But, I did say, that does not mean you cannot learn to trust him again and that she really should give him another chance or two or three. You are his daughter and always will be. He loves you and he doesn't mean to do this to hurt you. While he shouldn't have promised you he wouldn't get remarried, he is and you need to give them a chance.

I'm so sad for her that she has found all this out about him. I had really hoped that he would not do this to them (hurt them) but as much as I want to hate him, I am happy that he has found someone that he loves enough to want to marry. He has always had a real knack for hurting the kids with his actions. He does a lot of things without thinking it out. You just do not make unrealistic promises to a child.... or anyone for that matter.

H is hurt by him too. He was sick yesterday and stayed home. He cleaned the whole house. Well it was pretty clean already but he just got all their stuff put away from being away and finished the dishes.... He has been different. Even 4 year old, L has been different. Quiet and won't talk much about the trip/visit. Today he started to say that he was getting a new brother (step-brother),but then stopped like he wasn't suppose to say it. I got him to talk about it and he smiled and sadly, he looked relieved to say something. I really hope the ex didn't tell them not to talk to me or something, or make it seem like it was suppose to be a big huge secret..... something.

When and if it is my turn to get remarried, especially if the kids are still young and living at home, I do not want to hurt them with it. I want them to give their true and honest blessing to me (I would love if the guy asked them for permission first before asking me). I will not be with someone that is going to disrespect my children and will know when things that are said should be kept private (K starting her period, not telling everyone in front of her!). And, being funny is one thing, but teasing in a mean and hurtful way will not be tolerated.

So I am walking that fine line between bad mouthing dad and biting my tongue, smiling and just nodding my head as I listen.

Break day!

The Ex is coming today!!! Whooohooo. This means I get a break! I can just hop in the car and take off. I'm tagging him in when he gets here and I'm out! Plus I get to get out with Goofball tomorrow night. And, that is probably the bestestestest part about the ex coming!

Though it does mean my space is going to be invaded for a few days. This part kind of creeps me out. I feel like I have to "hide" stuff. My computer especially. My Yahoo Messanger opens automatically, though signs in invisible so nobody would know but STILL!!!!! What about the "surfin" history? Do I want him to see that? What about all my favorites, will he look through my list just to see where I go? I'm not saying he will snoop, he normally isn't that type but if its r.i.g.h.t there, would he look? And, it isn't like I'm wrong or I owe him a damn thing but its my life now and I don't want him to know or be a part of it.

Plus I'm sure he will make comments about my house being messy or the cats or a million other petty shit that he really doesn't have to worry about because he left, he made a choice so he will just have to fucking live with how I live.

But, ya know, as always the good of the situation far out weighs the bad!!!! When he does come and the kids ask for something, I say "See your Dad..." or "Its daddy time. Go ask/tell him." I still have to be here because I have school and no laptop, otherwise I would soooo not be here! I'm guessing next time he comes I will be able to just up and go since I only..... 2 wks and 2 days left of schoooooooooool!

I have plans. Lots of plans. The two things I am looking forward to is going for one of my long drives and of course, like I said in the beginning, getting to Goofball tomorrow night.

Have a great weekend y'all!

Center of Attention

Due to the Questions/Answers that Esmeralda posted, there has been a small discussion around women being the center of attention. So over the last few days I have been thinking about it.

Now, I’m not typically the center of attention type. I don’t like a fuss made over me. I don’t like to be in the spotlight. I mean there are times when this is okay, like when I finish school. I want to be the center of attention with my family because this has been such a large chunk of my time so hey let’s celebrate it! But, like I said, I really don’t like the spotlight.

But, I do like to be made to feel special and important by the man in my life. So yeah in a way I want this person to make me the center of his attentions and not because I necessarily want it or ask for it or expect it but because he wants to give it to me. Wants to let me know I’m just that important or special. And, how?….. Well pretty much everything I posted here but I will explain a bit more.

I want to be the center of attention in a much more passive way, than “the spotlight is on me.” So say we are out with friends, maybe in honor of a friend’s birthday or something that I wouldn’t be the center of attention for. However, my guy would maybe hold my hand and just give it a little squeeze to let me know we are “connected” in a way. Almost like saying “Hi. I’m here, thinking about you.” Or maybe he is across the room talking to other people, I’m talking to people, he catches my eye and just smiles…. Again saying “Thinking about you. Cant’ wait until we are on the same side of the room.”

And I’m not expecting someone to remember everything about me, but if he remembers little special things about me, like what I like to drink or if I mention a book, song, movie, TV show that I like…. Maybe he makes reference of it or if the song is on the radio, he turns it up just a tiny bit before I even realize it’s on. He would just show me that he was not just hearing me but really listening.

So basically I am saying that I want to be the center of his attention but not the world’s. And, just in small but meaningful ways that make me smile when nobody is around. It keeps those butterflies dancing around my stomach at the thought of seeing him.

And, really I think that is what most ladies want. Right ladies?

Edit: I wanted to add that if a man did all this for me, he would be repaid more than he could ever imagine. It is a give and take situation.

I want that!

I found this on the web. I WANT THIS!!!!!!! This is exactly what I am looking for..... Someone to be my hero, to spoil me and make me feel like I'm the most important, special person.

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The smallest action can have the biggest impact in someone's life.

Give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in.
Leave her cute text messages.
Kiss her in front of your friends.
Trust her over everyone else.
Tell her she looks beautiful.
Look her in the eye when you talk to her.
Let her mess with your hair.
Mess with her hair.
Just walk around with her.
Forgive her for her mistakes.
Look at her as if she's the only girl you see.
Tickle her even when she says stop.
Hold her hand even when you are around your friends.
When she starts swearing at you tell her you love her.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Get her mad, and then kiss her.
Tease her & let her tease you back.
Stay up with her at night when she’s sick.
Watch her favorite movie with her.
Kiss her forehead.
Give her the world.
Write her letters.
Let her wear your clothes.
When she’s sad, hang out with her.
Let her know she's important.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Kiss her in the rain.
Call her every night.
And, when you fall in love with her, tell her.
And when you do tell her. Love her like you never loved before.

Cryin' for nothin'

Now I have been saying that I have been happier than I have been in a long time and it is true. But, from time to time I seem to suffer from depression. The past 18-19 months it has been very mild and only rearing its ugly head every few months.

So last night I was surfin' the net, just hopping from message board to message board and it hit me like a ton of bricks.... I felt this sudden feeling of sadness, loneliness and well I wanted to cry. My girl was spending the night at a friend's house. My boys were both asleep. My Schoolwork was done. Housework pretty much done, etc, etc. So I was just playin' and that is when I missed one thing in my life.... a partner, a companion.... someone to love me, to hold my hand while we watch tv or listen to music or just sit in silence because we are just that comfortable that words aren't always necessary. Someone that will take care of me and make me feel special and someone I can do the same for.

I started to write this blog entry last night but it wasn't what I wanted to say.

Since last night was just a moment and today I do not feel exactly the same, this blog entry is written from a different view than the one last night. I am happy and while I could complain about my life, the stressors are temporary things. Job, finances all fixable and temporary so why complain? Life is just too short and I really have a good life. I have things that many people only wish for.

And afterall, today is a new day and I have special people in my life that make me happy. They make me feel special and loved. I'm willing to be patient and wait for that right, special person to fill that last little void. I'm willing to work for it, slowly and enjoy every second with getting to know that person. It took one of my aunts over 20 years to find that and I'm willing to wait that long to have what she and my uncle now have. I'm not in a rush. I just have moments from time to time where I miss having that relationship and I know that is normal.

I also know that I will have that someday..... and it will be great because I waited and was patient and took my time getting to know that special person.... whoever he is, wherever he is....

Someday.....