Explaining my absence

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.

Still around and kickin'

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.

The bumps in the road....

I am often surprised that years after the divorce, years after being well over and ready for the divorce.... I still hit bumps in the road.

So today is would be my 15th wedding anniversary, instead, it is just another day. Small bump but not huge. I am definitely much happier post-divorce and away from him. That was a very bad relationship and I knew it for a long time. It was long over due but.... I see couples at the store, at the park, at restaurants, with their children or just each other, and it is another small bump.

Then because I am insane or nosy or both.... but the stepmom and I are "friends" on Myspace. Well she posted new pictures of them.... Christmas pictures of them. Happy, smiling couple. This is a big bump for me. Something I always wanted to do but only once did we take pictures together. One time. There they sit in their perfect house, fire, Christmas tree, stockings hanging on the mantle. Their dogs sitting with them.

Turns the stomach I tell you.

*sigh*

And I am not saying I really want that, for sure not life with him. I really do love my life and I am happy with my choices. It is just some little bumps of life after divorce... nothing more.

Exhaustion!

Okay so it is our busy time at work so I am coming home just flat out tired each day. Then it is my second (or really first job).... being mom!


Sooo I haven't had the energy to even think of anything to blog about nor go to many of my favorites to comment... but I am trying to get there.


I will just do a quick 5 things for you!


1. Remodel update: We finally passed the inspection! and they did the insulation today! Drywall on Monday and the contractor is going to drop off samples for me to pick tiles and my counter tops. I also need to pick the paint color! We are close!


2. H had a cyst removed today. Yikes! that was gross. He is doing okay.


3. K is going to the Homecoming Dance tonight. When did she get so grown?


4. L has a cut on his finger that got infected. Gross. I didn't even know he had a cut on his finger. I normally clean them, put anti-bacterial stuff on and bandage. Nope, he shows me once it is all gross and infected.

5. It is like what 6 wks since Ike came through and we still don't have a fence. Many, many, many people do not. Again, still lucky because some people don't have a home anymore or their house is just a wreck.... but given the limited amount of damage we had, I thought the fence would be back up by now. I threatened the dog today "If you get out one more time, I am not coming after you." Okay, don't tell him but I will....today we were lucky because there were other dogs out in their own yard so he got really distracted with smelling butts. I then took him the long way home. He is now sleeping in his kennel.

Having it all?

I realized something tonight but before I get to that let me tell you the back story on it.

I talked to the kiddos tonight and they were telling me about their dad and stepmom's new house. It is like "nana and grandpa's house".... That is wow to me. My parents live in a very upscale neighborhood and there house is very typical of the style right now. Two story, about 3000 sq ft, 4 bedrooms 2 and 1/2 bath, etc. Right? Except the ex's house has a game room too. Alrighty then.

So I was thinking about "Wow, well I guess they have it all." I then called my aunt to chat. She is my single mom role model even though she is now remarried but my cousin was grown before she got remarried and in fact, he walked her down the aisle. Anyway, so I was talking to her about how the ex now seems to have "this life" and have it all. She said, "yeah but is that really what you want?"

Hmmm? No, actually it really isn't what I want. I mean yeah I wouldn't turn down a new house, hello! I am not an idiot but wow. I am really not ready for that.

So what I thought of is just because he now has his soon-to-be new wife, new house, new car, two incomes and currently the kiddos. It is kinda like "The American Dream" so to speak, right? Isn't that what we grow up thinking the American Dream was about. Having all those things?

Well why does that have to be "having it all" to everyone. I feel like I actually do have it all, in many ways. I have more than many people so they may say I have it all. And ya know what, I feel like I do.

I mean I do have my kids most of the year for the good and the bad. I have a good job with a great company. I have a new car which I worked really hard to get and will never take for granted. I have support of my parents and other family members. I have my pup and my cats to snuggle with when I am sad. I have Goofball to make me laugh and tell me I am pretty even when I don't feel like I am. So I really do have it all, right? Just in my own way and own reality.

Sooo that is what I realized today. I am happy with my life and happy that I have it all. Is there more I want? Sure, a little more money, a little more house, a little less worry over paying bills, world peace and a vacation. But, I am content.

The long weekend and a sick day

I had a nice long weekend. I love my job because I get every other Friday off. This past Friday was my day off. So four day weekend. Whoohooo......

I spent it doing just what I wanted, sort of. Friday was great. Got to spend time with Goofball. Some much needed sex time that is. Gawd I needed that! That's all I will say.

Then napped. Nice deep sleep that one can only have after great sex. Then Friday night took the kids out for dinner. Had a big smile even when Logan was throwing a fit. He is still adjusting to all day without a nap. Takes after his mom.

Then Saturday, I have no idea what we did but before I knew it it was the afternoon and I had done nothing. It was actually kinda nice but also stressful because I had so much to do.

I went to visit my grandmother (mom's mom) who was staying at their house pet sitting while my parents were in Colorado visiting my baby brother and his family. They got some gooood pictures of the boys. Anyway, so visited my grandmother. Showed her the presentation I am working on for my parents' 35 anniversary. She liked it but we started talking about pictures she had. So I called my Aunt and I ended up over there. I got a huge bag full of pictures.

Then on Sunday, got up made breakfast for the kids. They loved it. Then I scanned pictures all day, and cropped, resized, rotated, etc all the pictures and worked on the presentation all day.

Goofball came by and we went out. I was kinda in a weird mood by then. I was looking through family pictures all day and it was weird because there were pictures of my cousin. He committed suicide when he was 15. I think I was around 17 years old at the time. Nobody really talks about him and it is makes me sad. But, Goofball is always fun to hang out with so I was snapped out of it and then I was focusing on not ripping all his clothes off.

Monday I got up and made another good breakfast for the kiddos. Two days in one weekend, they couldn't believe it. Worked some MORE on the presentation.... It takes a long time. My parents were back so we all went to lunch. Then I ended up back over at their house so I could steal the new pictures from Colorado. My nephews are soooo cute! I can't wait to see them again. I would love to get out to Colorado this year.

Anyway, then we just ran errands the rest of the day.

Sometime right before bed H started puking everywhere and I just had a bad feeling. He was up and down all night. Some time in the very early morning, I had a really bad feeling, but it was my stomach. Thankfully no puking for me, just feeling like I could. Sooooo I called in to work. My co-worker sounded annoyed but sorry, I will be no good running back and forth to the restroom for the false alarms. Plus I have zero energy.

So that is my weekend. Good and bad.... at least its a short week!

Alone versus Lonely

and yes there is a big difference!

Having just spent a lot of time being in both of these modes, I will just discuss from my view.

You can be lonely and still be with other people, but you really can't be alone with people around. Lonely is more of a feeling or maybe an emotion. While alone is a place or maybe a state of being.... as in you are the only one around.

Now I don't mind being alone. It really is a good thing. Everyone should have some private time. Time to themselves. Time with their thoughts. When I do have my kids, I do enjoy some quiet alone time. And even now with them gone, I have enjoyed some of my alone time. It is a very good thing.

However, being lonely.... well that just down right sucks ass! I hate feeling lonely. It makes me depressed or maybe I feel depressed sometimes because I'm lonely? (Interesting).

Like I have said, my kids aren't here. They have been gone for the summer. While they have been gone, I have been in a room full of people that love and care about me, but yet there was this huge lonely feeling. My babies weren't there. I'm very lucky though because I know I'm blessed.... just a few weeks and they will be back.

Then there is the single thing. First of all my marriage was nothing more than a legal bond between two people.... at least for most of it. There was some feelings and yeah I have love for him even now... We had history and memories, and I have known him about 14 yrs now. We have three kids together that we share many memories with. But, I was always very, very lonely in my marriage. There was little emotional connection. Happy couples have that emotional connection.

So I don't like being lonely. And, now that I am single and dating, yeah I am looking to fill that lonely void. I don't want to be lonely. I don't think many people do.... some? Yeah maybe.... so what are most single people looking for, you got it right and its no big mystery.... They want someone to be with so they aren't lonely.

The sad thing in my eyes is this. You can be lonely and be with someone. Some people just confuse being alone a lot with being lonely. I guess they think, if they are with someone else (not alone) then that equals not being lonely. Well I hate to burst that bubble, but it is very possible to being with someone and be lonely. I know that from first hand experience, as I mentioned.

Anyway, just my opinion... :)

Scars

I love this song by Papa Roach. It really describes my current feelings on my ex.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

This is the part I am mostly talking about. I will open myself to him sometimes because I care too much. Just in general. And, each time I do, I get hurt and I have to sew myself shut against him again.

Then this part.....

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I have tried so many times to help him (mostly while we were still married, now not so much.) I still give him a bit of advise now and listen to him when he needs to talk. I know I will always have some type of relationship with him and I think that's why I try to care. Compassions in my nature but I can't always help him, I can't always be there to listen. I feel like I'm done with sympathy towards him.

And....

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I think that says it all. I gotta move on with my own life and I think I have pretty darn well without him if I do say so myself!!!! It is almost my Blogiversary and I will talk more about my progression from last year to this. Lots of growth in myself and I feel good!

Oh and I love Papa Roach!!!!

Not surprising

The ex and his girl broke up. Well he says they are still friends but he has moved back into his apartment. I am not surprised by this at all. He had text messaged me last week just as I was heading to the airport. I knew something was up. Well he just called me at work and we talked for a while, almost an hour. About my trip, work, his work, the kids, the kids' schedule for the summer, this coming weekend and he also told me that he was back in his apartment. She wanted more than he wanted to give.

I guess that he wasn't completely on board with the whole getting married thing, from what he says. He just wanted to move in with her to have a little more financial security. Uh-Huh.... Right. But, that's his story and he is sticking to it. Actually, just knowing him like I do, I am sure that is part of it, a huge part of it but not all.

Here is my predication though..... They will get back together at least one more time if not start a whole cycle of this break up/get back together thing. This is the second time so far that it has happened. I fully expect them to marry someday too.

For my children's sake, I hope I'm wrong. I hope that he can actually meet someone that better fits him and he actually falls in love with her. The reason I don't like this girl is she just seems too immature and I want my children's stepmom to be a support in raising them.

Same if they ever have a stepdad. They don't need a dad or a mom. They have one of each but the person I pick for myself had better know that he is my partner and is partnered in guiding my children in the same ways a teacher would be.

And, to all you single moms out there, like my ex's "friend", do not rush into a relationship because you think you need a man in your life. Men are great! I like the one I see but I'm not rushing anything.... But, I am a strong person. I know I was complaining about needing help in my blog recently. Yes, I totally do! But, it is more of a "nice-to-have", not a must because I can do these things. I have been doing them for a while now. And the few things I can't do, I can ask for help

Oh and on that note, it reminds me of a conversation with K lately. She and my niece were comparing things. (S's dad is my brother, the one in Iraq) S said, "My dad taught me to tie my shoes." K said, "My mom taught me" S said, "My dad taught me to ride my bike." K said, "My mom taught me".... and on the conversation went. Then K said, "I can't think of much that my dad taught me." I said, "There were things but he worked a lot and wasn't home a lot. It was mostly me." She said she remembers that and she said thanks.

H usually credits his dad for things but really a lot of it was me or when it was his dad, it was me saying, "You need to play with him." Sad but true.

Most of L's memories are going to be of us separated/divorced because I left his dad when he had just turned 3. He is almost 5 now.

Back to my message to women, single women.....

Be strong women. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your kids. If you can do those things, then men will be a nice to have and you can enjoy them a whole lot more.

I need a "wife"....

or at least a domestic helper or a stay-home-husband or something! ACK!

My house feels like chaos. The kids need more structure than I can give them alone and dinner needs to be .... well better.

I am not opposed to being the sole breadwinner in a relationship. I like to work! Of course we all have days we don't want to but overall I enjoy working. I would love to be the one to go off to work and then come home to a clean house, supper and happy kids who aren't out doing who knows what and me being one step from the edge with worry that I'm going to get *that* phone call. (of course I wouldn't mind being a dual-income household either but still.... an extra set of grown up hands would be nice!)

And anyway, I'm so not a good housewife. I'm not very domestic. I mean I can clean my house and do but I'm not organized enough to keep it that way all week plus the kids are working against me. I think they are on a mission or maybe they just like the mess.

Also, I can't seem to get organized enough to cook dinner for us every single night. Well I do okay with it and I try really hard but I don't always make good meals. It is usually something easy and convenient. I use shortcuts as often as possible (boil in bag rice because I don't have to measure which equals thinking). I would love to cook from scratch more and I would like to good better foods.... but conveniences wins every time.

I am also a bit worried about my kids too. It would be nice to know that someone was here when they got home from school. This way there is some one here to make sure they get home, get homework done, and when they go outside, someone knows they aren't just running wild all over the place. Currently things are just chaotic in this department. Sometimes they will come straight home, sometimes they do their homework but mostly they are just running wild in the neighborhood.

Now granted I can't afford to hire a nanny or domestic helper of any kind right now. And, I'm not even in the market for a new husband..... I'm opposed to it someday and for the right reason, love not convenience. But by then the kids will probably be grown.

I just need to break the chaotic feel of the evenings and days. Get more organized and hope for the best. Until then we just do the best we can and we get by. The kids know I love them and I'm here for them. In many ways, I'm a great mom and in others.... well I just need help is all! :)

Walking a fine line

...... So the kids are back (of course) and K has been talking to me a lot about her dad and his soon-to-be.... While she likes her future step-brother and sister, she is not that thrilled with the step-mom or her dad. See, back in the fall sometime, he promised her he would not get remarried. He said he respected her too much to do that. She told me about it at the time and I tried to say (without putting her dad down too much) that I couldn't make a promise like that because it was unrealistic. I did say that I had no intentions of getting remarried anytime soon but I would hope that someday I would find someone that I loved that much and that I hoped she would want the same for me. We have talked about this a lot actually.

Well she told me that her dad broke that promise and now she cannot trust him. She did say she could trust me. I said are you saying that just to make me happy and because you think that is what I want to her? She looked me right in the face and said no, its the truth. So as we talked, I tried really hard, really hard! not to bad mouth her dad but also to discuss the issue and give respect or validation to her feelings. She can feel that distrust and I explained that was one of the many reasons that we got a divorce because he just couldn't keep promises to me. But, I did say, that does not mean you cannot learn to trust him again and that she really should give him another chance or two or three. You are his daughter and always will be. He loves you and he doesn't mean to do this to hurt you. While he shouldn't have promised you he wouldn't get remarried, he is and you need to give them a chance.

I'm so sad for her that she has found all this out about him. I had really hoped that he would not do this to them (hurt them) but as much as I want to hate him, I am happy that he has found someone that he loves enough to want to marry. He has always had a real knack for hurting the kids with his actions. He does a lot of things without thinking it out. You just do not make unrealistic promises to a child.... or anyone for that matter.

H is hurt by him too. He was sick yesterday and stayed home. He cleaned the whole house. Well it was pretty clean already but he just got all their stuff put away from being away and finished the dishes.... He has been different. Even 4 year old, L has been different. Quiet and won't talk much about the trip/visit. Today he started to say that he was getting a new brother (step-brother),but then stopped like he wasn't suppose to say it. I got him to talk about it and he smiled and sadly, he looked relieved to say something. I really hope the ex didn't tell them not to talk to me or something, or make it seem like it was suppose to be a big huge secret..... something.

When and if it is my turn to get remarried, especially if the kids are still young and living at home, I do not want to hurt them with it. I want them to give their true and honest blessing to me (I would love if the guy asked them for permission first before asking me). I will not be with someone that is going to disrespect my children and will know when things that are said should be kept private (K starting her period, not telling everyone in front of her!). And, being funny is one thing, but teasing in a mean and hurtful way will not be tolerated.

So I am walking that fine line between bad mouthing dad and biting my tongue, smiling and just nodding my head as I listen.

Kids are BACK!!

Nuff said! They missed me a lot. I missed them a lot!

Now we are heading to my parents for lunch, plus my nephew rode up with me to pick them up so I have to return him.

In other news, my poor baby girl. She does not like her dad with his girlfriend. She says he is weird when he is with her and that this girl is mean to her. Bitch! She better not be. It really could be a teenager perspective but I think there is some truth there. It may be a little inflated for my benefit but ya know whatever. Oh and that the ring he got her is really big. K was describing it! I about lost it.... lol! It sounds like the same style as the one he gave me. That would be sooo funny. He gave it to me years ago when I realized we would sometime in the future get a divorce. I knew I didn't love him anymore. I called it the guilt ring. I gave it back to him. What if he just took "my" ring and had hers made from it.

Oh well kids are hungry. Gotta go!

The next few months....

Well tomorrow will start another busy workweek. I work in HR at a large Oil and Gas company. We smack dab in the middle of our Spring College Recruiting. This is huge for us and busy. The next three weeks at work will be maddening busy, just like the last two have been. But, then even after we get done with the Onsite Visits and getting offers out and tracking, tracking, tracking.... we will be gearing up for our Summer Interns. This is another huge part of my job. We have to plan the kick-off, activities and events plus the Intern end of summer presentations.

I love my job!!

So then personal life looks a bit like this for the next, I would guess 2 months or so.

This coming weekend, take the kids to their dad. We have agreed to start meeting halfway to do the "kid drop".

Hopefully the big schedule wheel of fortune will also land so that Goofball and I will get to see each other..... If not, this will probably be the last chance for me to see him for a while. No Fridays together this month, just as much my schedule as his. (April doesn't look much more promising)

So the weekend of March 9-11 should be a good weekend.

Then the next weekend, I have a family party at my cousin's, J, house. It is for me, our grandmother, another cousin and J's girlfriend. We are the March bdays.

Pick the kiddos up on Sunday.

Hopefully the next two weekends will be fairly quiet because I have to get ready for April.....

Of course there is Easter Weekend, then a cousin's wedding (other side of family), then a trip to Dallas to meet up with my awesome friends!!!, then a family reunion the next and then another cousin is getting married and then I think we are at mother's day. By then school is almost out! and the kiddos will be going to their dad's for most of the summer. But first they want to have an end of the year party (this is Party Central afterall).

But, ya know, during all this, the kiddos are signed up for Baseball (H) and Soccer (K & L). So I am sure there will be games on the weekends, practice during the week.

What did I get myself into! :)

Just kidding! I'm soooo not complaining. I like it, I love it!

Anyway, just sharing as I don't know if I will as much time to write but I definitely will try. I like having this outlet for my thoughts. It is my brain dumping ground for the most part.

Gotta get out of my head!

Because I can't hear the other voices anymore... just mine. (Just kidding! or am I?)

I am overthinking everything, stressing about everything and I just need to chill the F#$% out!

At least I received my tax return so now I can FINALLY get caught up on bills. I can go buy the kids some clothes that they need for school and maybe, just maybe I can get a few new things for work. But, here still, I need to be very careful, I will get behind again quickly if I'm not careful. But, honestly, we all need just a few items.

So current stressors:

1. SCHOOL - only a few, just a few more days!
2. Kids - Its mostly over the clothes. They need them, I haven't had money... problem is now solved!
3. The ex - Can't do much about this but I chewed his butt out about not seeing his kids more.... so it might help. But, it is probably more of a band-aid, didn't resolve the true problem.
4. WORK! - We are soooo busy and I'm still waiting to hear about a permanent position. Ugh!
5. Car - It is falling apart slowly.... I need a new(er) one. Gotta wait on the job situation.
***(update below)6. Something I don't really want to talk about but I'm sure it will be fine..... If its not..... I can't even let myself think that because that is what is TRULY driving me crazy.
7. My house - Its a mess. Its just a plain wreck. Not much to do about it until the weekend.

So mostly petty stuff. All of it is either something I will deal with or it will go away so no bigs.

But, ya know, sometimes ya just gotta lay it all out there to make yourself feel better.

And, if that doesn't do it, have fun with the kids. We were blowing bubbles...... but not outside! Nope, right in the house. Second night in a row too. My kids think I'm so cool, okay well sometimes.


UPDATE: #6 is no longer a problem so that is just another stressor that can be checked off the list! Whoohoooo! TGIF!!!!!

When life hands you lemons.....

I think I had this ine on my dating profile... when I had one. But, nobody would know where I got it or why I say that. But, when I hear this I think of this.....


1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. (I still don't get this one! but I do like the idea of being loved!)

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.


And always remember..... when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!



Okay so this was just an email chain once upon on a time. And, yeah the end is just funny and if you know me, you would know tequila and I probably wouldn't mix well. I think it just means to celebrate what you do have rather than dwell on the bad things.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you today. I read this everyday when I'm at work. It is posted in my office, currently it is hanging out with some Mardi Gras beads so it looks festive!

Break day!

The Ex is coming today!!! Whooohooo. This means I get a break! I can just hop in the car and take off. I'm tagging him in when he gets here and I'm out! Plus I get to get out with Goofball tomorrow night. And, that is probably the bestestestest part about the ex coming!

Though it does mean my space is going to be invaded for a few days. This part kind of creeps me out. I feel like I have to "hide" stuff. My computer especially. My Yahoo Messanger opens automatically, though signs in invisible so nobody would know but STILL!!!!! What about the "surfin" history? Do I want him to see that? What about all my favorites, will he look through my list just to see where I go? I'm not saying he will snoop, he normally isn't that type but if its r.i.g.h.t there, would he look? And, it isn't like I'm wrong or I owe him a damn thing but its my life now and I don't want him to know or be a part of it.

Plus I'm sure he will make comments about my house being messy or the cats or a million other petty shit that he really doesn't have to worry about because he left, he made a choice so he will just have to fucking live with how I live.

But, ya know, as always the good of the situation far out weighs the bad!!!! When he does come and the kids ask for something, I say "See your Dad..." or "Its daddy time. Go ask/tell him." I still have to be here because I have school and no laptop, otherwise I would soooo not be here! I'm guessing next time he comes I will be able to just up and go since I only..... 2 wks and 2 days left of schoooooooooool!

I have plans. Lots of plans. The two things I am looking forward to is going for one of my long drives and of course, like I said in the beginning, getting to Goofball tomorrow night.

Have a great weekend y'all!

Center of Attention

Due to the Questions/Answers that Esmeralda posted, there has been a small discussion around women being the center of attention. So over the last few days I have been thinking about it.

Now, I’m not typically the center of attention type. I don’t like a fuss made over me. I don’t like to be in the spotlight. I mean there are times when this is okay, like when I finish school. I want to be the center of attention with my family because this has been such a large chunk of my time so hey let’s celebrate it! But, like I said, I really don’t like the spotlight.

But, I do like to be made to feel special and important by the man in my life. So yeah in a way I want this person to make me the center of his attentions and not because I necessarily want it or ask for it or expect it but because he wants to give it to me. Wants to let me know I’m just that important or special. And, how?….. Well pretty much everything I posted here but I will explain a bit more.

I want to be the center of attention in a much more passive way, than “the spotlight is on me.” So say we are out with friends, maybe in honor of a friend’s birthday or something that I wouldn’t be the center of attention for. However, my guy would maybe hold my hand and just give it a little squeeze to let me know we are “connected” in a way. Almost like saying “Hi. I’m here, thinking about you.” Or maybe he is across the room talking to other people, I’m talking to people, he catches my eye and just smiles…. Again saying “Thinking about you. Cant’ wait until we are on the same side of the room.”

And I’m not expecting someone to remember everything about me, but if he remembers little special things about me, like what I like to drink or if I mention a book, song, movie, TV show that I like…. Maybe he makes reference of it or if the song is on the radio, he turns it up just a tiny bit before I even realize it’s on. He would just show me that he was not just hearing me but really listening.

So basically I am saying that I want to be the center of his attention but not the world’s. And, just in small but meaningful ways that make me smile when nobody is around. It keeps those butterflies dancing around my stomach at the thought of seeing him.

And, really I think that is what most ladies want. Right ladies?

Edit: I wanted to add that if a man did all this for me, he would be repaid more than he could ever imagine. It is a give and take situation.

Catching fireflies

There are few things that I have truly going for me!

One, I am finally in the place I have needed to be for YEARS! Divorced. Also, hey I live in Texas, what could be better than living in your hometown/state. Oh and HAPPY! Did I mention that one?

Two, my kids. I love those little spoiled brats more than I could even imagine possible. They are spoiled, they are brats but they are mine!

Three, I have a job, though this is also something negative too since it is just a temp job.

Four, almost done with school. But, also another source of heartburn.

Five, I have GREAT friends! Both in real life and online. I would be lost with out them.

Six, Goofball. I have met this person that makes me laugh and that I just really am enjoying getting to know.

Past those things… everything else is a flat out mess! Chaos, chaos, chaos! House, car, job, school, finances…. All of it just crazy. Heck I'm not even that great of a mom.... Good but not great (read that blog entry later).

You know how people will often mention how we juggle things. Everything is a ball and we juggle them.... Well I imagine all these little fireflies and I’m trying to catch them. Say each thing like house, car, kids are represented by a firefly and I have to catch them and put them in a jar. Here is how I feel..... When I catch one, I put it in the jar. Then go after another, catch it, put it in the jar but I wasn’t careful enough and let the first one out. And the fireflies are everywhere so I’m chasing one but then see another is closer, so go after it….. and it just continues!

I won’t really go into toooo much details about all the chaos I feel though because I really do hate to complain. I truly do have a good life and sometimes I just need a reminder of that!

I don't like people

Okay not really... but I really don't like crowds. But, seriously, on Sunday I was "kidnapped" by Goofball and while out we ran up to the local fast food place, Sonic for those of you that know and those that don't, check this out....THIS..... so he parked away from other cars and said, "Because you don't seem to like to be around other people." No, No I don't!

I don't know when or why or how this started but I hate to be around a lot of other people, some yeah, and really there is no set number, it is about the moment. Sometimes 100 people is just fine but 101 could be too many, other times 1 person is too many. I like my space.... a lot of space! As much space as I can get in fact! (except when am I around Goofball, then there better not be a lot of personal space....) I was thinking about this today on the elevator when there were way toooo many people in it and I was squashed all the way in the back. As soon as it got to my floor, I darted out! Didn't even look back to see what had happened to my two co-workers that were left inside. Were they squashed by the 8 large guys that piled on two floors before? I didn't know, didn't care because I was out of there! They came off fine and laughing at me.

Anyway, I was reading this book about being an Introvert. It explains that as an Introvert, I need to be alone to recharge and being around other people can wear me out. True! Oh so true!

But, I also think most people are stupid. They are rude, don't realize there are other people on the planet aside from them and theirs.

Would it kill people to smile? Open or hold the door for someone carrying a baby or child? Yield to pedestrians? Not yak it up in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store and when you say "excuse me." they would politely move, not just ignore you or worse give YOU a dirty look!

I could go on and on but I will just step off my soap box and exit now.

Happy Birthday H-man

To my first son,

H-man, you were born 11 years ago today, 8 days late but better late than never! You were a surprise from day one, and I just knew you were going to be a boy. I wished and wished. And, your daddy wanted a boy so bad too. You see he was the last to carry on his last name. Then there was you. But it was more than that. You see, today is a special day because it was also the day your great-grandfather was born. You share the same name. He was someone very special to your dad but died long before you or I knew your daddy. Still it was a special thing to have you born on that day.

The first day I met you, I was in love. You were so much bigger than your sister was at birth and you looked so much like I did when I was born. While you were in the nursery, the doctor came to talk to me. You had a problem with your heart. They said it was common but just watch you very closely. I was so worried that maybe I had done something wrong while I was pregnant with you. I quickly learned that was not the case. For the next 4 months or so we took you to the doctor just about every week. Thankfully sometime around 4 months you were fine. The problem with your heart was gone.

Of course, after your sister we were spoiled because she was such an easy baby. You were quite the opposite and still prove to be a true handful today(as is your baby brother). You were far needier and wanting to be fed all the time. I didn't mind but my body did so I switched you to formula but you were so sick from the formula, just like your sister was . We finally found one, different than what she had, that didn't make you sick. I was so glad!

Shortly after you were 5 months old, no heart problem good on formula and eating baby foods, we moved to Virginia and then the ear infections and colds started. At 18 months, you had tubes put in your ears to held with the ear infections. It still didn't help. This would be a constant problem until you were 3 years old. It was around this time you had hand surgery for what was called a trigger thumb. Basically you couldn't bend your thumb anymore. Sometimes during all this you had 3 weeks worth of chicken pox. But, (knock on wood) you have been fairly healthy since. Only one ear infections and a few colds.

After having a girl, having a boy was a really adventure. I didn't really know how much toilet paper was on a roll. I didn't know how fast a toddler could climb a book case. You used to love to jump from the highest points of the house. The back of the couch, the counters, the stairs. You had no fear. I never heard a baby laugh quite so hard or feel my heart grow quite the way it did with you.

You got teeth really early and I just loved that little toothy grin.... and then when you knocked out your front 6 teeth (yes 6), I loved that toothless grin..... I thought for sure you would play hockey!

and, once I thought I had lost you forever. You disappeared for almost 2 hours and I had to get the police to help find you. I thought I had lost my baby. But, thankfully you were found unharmed and had no idea you were "missing".

You take after my grandfather so much. Early to bed, early to rise. Restless, has to be moving and when it is time to go, nothing will hold you back. You make me laugh, you make me cry.... and....whatever you do and wherever you go, I will love you. I think I love you more each day. I am just thankful to know you. You are very special but I don't think any of us know just how yet.

Happy Birthday, baby.