Falling apart a little bit

I wasn't going to write this out until I got to talk to him but it doesn't look like I will get to any time soon.... and it is nearly killing me.

He is in pain. He is hurting. Lost, confused. Hell I don't even know what he is going through. I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive and just here. I don't want to fall apart out in the "open" where he can see it (he reads this blog and I am not going to hide my blog just so I can talk freely).... but it is time now not to just hold it in and be for him. I have to be for me some things too.

Not to take away from his situation at all, his feelings. But it is because of how he feels that I am a mess but not only because he seems so lost but also because he is gone.

I have never in my life felt for someone the way I feel for him (kids not included). I feel so complete when I am with him. Calm, safe. I have always felt guarded and like I needed to almost protect myself from other men. I had to be careful. Never was I abused physically but emotionally for sure. He isn't like that.

He is hands down the best man I have ever met. Smart, caring, thoughtful, respectful, funny and sexy as hell.

I love that he is out doing for him for a change. He absolutely deserves the time and needs it. But it is also extremely hard on me to have him gone. I am in tears nearly everyday. Cranky. Moody. I want to do for myself and I am trying. I got a pedicure.... the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I have gotten quite a bit done in the house but still have so much to do.

And damn it isn't like I see him everyday, but maybe a few times here and there, but he is so amazing that knowing I am missing time with him when life is so short anyway, well it is hard.

And all I can say is I am trying and wish for him some clarity, time for himself and that he knows I am here for him when he is ready.... no rushing, no pressure. I am strong enough to get through this.... I just have to let myself fall apart a little to keep it together.

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

I am heading to Orlando on Friday for a girls only weekend! The organizer is probably my best friend in the world... or at least one of my top girls! I named K after her.... that is how much she means to me. We were in the Navy together and then got stationed at the same base for our first years. We partied together. We had our babies together and went through a lot of ups and downs. She sees me better than almost anyone.

Then there will be her SIL who I know. And then my friend's BFF from grade school. I feel like I know her and I can't wait to really meet her!

I only have one thing on my mind that is making me almost wish I wasn't going. I will miss Goofball very much. I am just crazy for that boy. We usually see each other 1-2x a week... usually Friday and/or Sunday (sometimes both days, sometimes only one).

I will miss our Friday for sure and not sure about seeing him on Sunday. I hope so!

But ya know, that isn't even all of it. I really wish that we could travel together but at this time in our life's we can't. Some of you know the story but some are coming here for the first time. I haven't shared it on my blog. Just due to privacy, I won't be.

The point is that sometimes I feel ... not guilty but... well like I just miss him more because I wish he was with me and enjoying things with me. That is pretty much it.

I do plan to have a great time. I have new clothes and I got some fun girls to hang with so it is all good.

In other news the kids' dad is coming in to stay with them. At first there was talk about his wife coming too and they would both be staying in my house. I was some what okay with this but like I wrote, my house is not always the cleanest place. Today he told me that just he is coming. Okay then, I am okay with that too and in fact I will feel less nervous about it.

Have a good weekend. I don't think I will write again until I get back...

Of Christmases Past…. And gift giving…

So this would be our 3rd Christmas since we started dating. First year too soon for gifts, but we did give cards. Perfect. Second year bowling bag for him, wireless router for me. Stories behind these? Yes. Practical gifts? Yes probably.

Now we are staring down the barrel of another holiday/gift giving season and what do you give someone who really needs very little, that you don’t live with but have known for going on 3 yr?? Oh and are super crazy about!

I know I’m clueless too.

He and I recently discussed this. He brought it up saying he was going to write about it and it was funny because I have been thinking about writing about this very topic.

We talked briefly about gift giving and our exes. Mine was not very good at this but not because I had high standards. I love kitchen items but honestly folks they make shredded cheese for people just like me (read: LAZY!)…. What do I want with an electric cheese grater? No not a food processor because that would make too much sense…. A gadget that you have to hold a button on each side of, push at the same time and then a blade moves up and down while you hold the cheese with your other hand. Awesome.

My list has almost always been the same basic list….. Candles, bath stuff (go to Bath and Body works and buy just about anything, I’m happy), pajamas and books (I read just about anything!)….. That’s it! I always told him the same things each year because he had “themed” gift giving. “Oh look a workout video…. Oh and another one…. Oh and workout clothes…. Wait, hmmm what are you saying? Oh I get it.” Then the Christmas everything was apple stuff for the kitchen. Yes I liked apples and thought they were cute in the kitchen, and yes I bought a few items but that was all I wanted…. If I was at the store and said, “Oh that is cute.” I didn’t mean “oh that is cute please buy me every piece possible.”

But I digress.

You will notice though that jewelry is not on my list. I am not a super big jewelry girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love jewelry and I think it is fun to get it but at the same time, it kinda makes me panic and I have a hard time breathing if I receive it. Why? Baggage. My ex went through a spell when he gave me a lot of jewelry. It was in 1998 which I identify as the turning point in my marriage. The point when I knew this was not the person I was going to grow old with. He bought me a $3,000 ring. Why? I don’t know… I called it the guilt ring. At first I wore it because I really did want my marriage to work but at some point I took it off, put it back in the box and gave it back. He didn’t take it so in a box it sat most of the time. Sometimes I would take it out and look it. Usually I would shake my head and put it back.

I’m a simply gal. A simple ring, a simple necklace, earrings, bracelet… these are the things I like but simple or even unique is the key. I don’t even know what the difference is in jewelry from this store or that. I hear all the commercials for this big chain or that one but truly have no idea the quality difference or even if there is one. And what do I need with fancy jewelry anyway? I go no where fancy and have no clothing to match it!

Sadly I typically by jewelry at Claire’s, Icing, Charming Charlie’s or even Target. Places like this.

Does this make it hard to buy me gifts? Gosh I hope not! I am really not picky and would be happy with anything that I thought the giver had put thought into, especially if it is something like a wireless router. That was probably one of the coolest gifts I have been given…. Why?? Because it was very thoughtful and given for a great reason. I use it everyday! What could be better?!

As to what I might want this year….. hell I don’t know!? I need almost nothing. Like I said I am simple and practical. I have been on my own too long, I just buy the things I want and need. Like I told the kids I want something to put my make up in but then I said but I’ll probably buy that. Then I want a new bird feeder but this time I want to actually hang it or attach it to the tree or fence some how. But I will probably end up doing that too. Or a wind chime for outside my new window or a new teddy bear…. My kids keep stealing all mine! Or a new spatula…. Yes seriously!

But this doesn’t solve my problem…. What do I give this amazing man?! :)

Lazy Saturday blogger

So I have been doing pretty good with writing stuff up and scheduling it to post. This way I have something for each day. I am not saying it is written last week or a month ago, but a few days or even the day before. Though somethings are ideas I had from a week ago, a month ago or longer.

Anyway, I am not prepared for Saturday.

I know, I know everyone is disappointed. I am very sorry. You came here with expectations of advice, wonderful stories and inspiration.

But instead you get my rambles at 1:00 am.

Instead of writing today (err, Friday) I went out with Goofball and had a good time. We just hung out and I really like that. I miss him like crazy all week so when I do get to see him, I don't really like being around a bunch of other people. I want some time to just reconnect with him. No outside distractions, just me and him.

It is good and bad. Good because we get that special time together, bad because well.... I don't know, we just never do anything so I know I wonder, "Is he disappointed?" He mentions it a lot but like tonight or hmm, last night (Friday), he said that he thought I would have expectations that we do something. Why, I asked? Because you are a woman. Yep but I don't have expectations of anything but some one on one time with you (him.)

My expectations were met and then some.

At any rate, I don't have anything really great to say for Saturday. No funny stories or words of wisdom, though I am working on it so check back! I need to sort through my notes, yes I keep notes of things I want to talk about, discuss and share. Writing has always been a passion for me and I really enjoy it even more now that I have people reading it. But sadly I got nothing for you....

So there you have it my nothing for Saturday.

..... and the rest was History....

So 2 yrs ago, I finally got to meet Goofball. We had been talking for close to 2 mths until we were ready and able to meet. Schedules being what they were, both parents, etc.... Ya know the drill. Plus no rushing this thing, right?

My honest first thought when I saw him.... "Wow, he is hot!"..... my second thought, "Well I guess this will be it, no way he will want to see me after this." Don't get me wrong, I really think I am cute and pretty BUT I am also overweight.... My ex couldn't stand it so why would this "stranger".... Right? Plus it was just a history of the guys I had dated or tried to/wanted to date. No fat chicks.

Anyway, two years later, I couldn't be happier with my life. I am sooo glad that he didn't say good bye to me (or ignored me after, like some losers do). We took things slow and it was perfect. Those first 6-8 mths were hard on me though because I just kept waiting for him to walk. He didn't and hasn't.... and trust me I have tried to push it a little bit. Not too much just a little. "OH for sure he is going to walk now." Nope. Either he is like me and is a gluten for punishment or else, he really does like me.

I also had pretty low self-esteem back then too. I didn't show him but I was pretty neurotic about this whole thing.... "Does he like me.... Does he not like me..... Does he like me.... " Those poor flowers. My friends were like "Shut up already."..... But finally, I got in to a comfortable place with this. I just chilled and enjoyed....

So to Goofball, I am so crazy about you. I appreciate you so much. You have been so awesome to me. Treating me so special and yes I know, you think it is the way I should be treated but not everyone would agree with you. I just like to tell you. I just enjoy each day for what it is and really try to fight that "What will the future be like" thing that us girls do. (don't deny it ladies, we all do it.... at least to a point). Anyway, sweetie, thanks for the memories and I look forward to many, many more.

To Goofball

I am crazy about you....

Good news, bad news

Okay so the bad news first.... I didn't get the new position but that is okay because really it is good news, in a way. I got really great feedback and was told that I interviewed great so really what more can I do. Nothing. Just try for another one later. When it is right, it will be right. I would love to just advance within my current department and/or develop my current position into more. Sooo in the end, I feel good.... so is this really bad news??

Anyway, the good news, the remodel is going to start next week!!!!! Hurray!!!! Of course I could turn this into bad news because ack, 2-3 mths of construction in my house. The kids will be back in a few weeks so we won't really even be half way through it. So in the end, is this good news? Yes! because soon I will have a brand new bedroom, bathroom, kitchen floor, roof and the boys' room will be done much nicer.

In other news, I am crazy for a guy. A very special guy. I call him Goofball. I can't wait to see him again soon.

A wow night

I just want to remember this night.... it was an amazing night and I just wanted to get the date down.

See I do remember things but I have to leave myself little reminders. One day I will look back at this entry and not remembering exactly why I wrote this and then it will hit me.

Oh yes, it was a great night. a wow night.

Back on drugs

Went to the doctor today and he suggested I get back on anti-depressants. Okay. I know I need them. I realize that I can't get past the depression and anxiety without it. It isn't my fault or anything I can just switch on and off, or control by willpower. Why it took me so long to admit it? I don't know, it is just part of the depression and anxiety really.

Sooooo hopefully in 2 to 4 weeks, I will be feeling a lot better.

Until then.... just hanging in and trying to get by each day.

On a positive note, Goofball came over today and fixed my dishwasher!!!! Wooohooo. So to him, thanks, sweetie! You rock.

Meet the parents

So for New Year's, Goofball came and had lunch with me and my parents. Yikes! I had a weak moment... balance a family tradition with seeing the most sexy man I know. What's a girl to do!?

Anyway, so he was an amazing guy about it (I was not surprised) and came along.

But that got me wondering, what people think when they meet my parents for the first time. The reason is that my parents now live in a really large, big expensive house but that doesn't define who they are or even tell you the story of them. I think people new to my life will just think that is how I grew up and it is soooo not the case. It was a bone of contention between me and my ex. He always thought that is the life I came from. He never felt comfortable with my family because he thought we were all these yuppie, rich folk. Whatever.

So the story goes....

My parents met in high school. Senior year and got pregnant with me near the end of the year. They got married a few months later and had me when they were 19 and 18. My dad worked very hard and went to college. My mom stayed home (but did work as needed). They then had my two brothers, the first 2 yrs after me and then 18 mths after that.... We lived in a little but very comfortable, cute house.

My dad slowly worked and worked his way up and into better jobs. They both made many sacrifices for us. We moved to a better house, yet still just a little bigger.

We didn't have the best of everything but we made the best of everything we had. We never went hungry and we never wanted for anything. We didn't go on expensive vacations. Our vacations were day or overnight trips around Texas. We learned history. I could not have asked for better vacations.

I know how expensive kids are, how expensive a house is, how expensive everything is....

Anyway, they pulled themselves up and made good choices (and of course some bad) but they are where they are today because of hard work. I didn't grow up in a house like they have now but I know that one day I will be able to live in one because I have good examples and I know it can be done.

Dating Rules?

This week I was told I broke the "code".... Hmmm, what?

So let me back up. Goofball and I have been dating for .... well I am not sure where to start counting but we started talking online June 2006. To me that is when we first started dating, because in my mind dating is when you decide you have some interest in a person and want to see where it goes. Being in a relationship is once you decide this is the person you want to see exclusively. But, like I said, that's just me. There are varying degrees between the two.... so let's just say we have been dating exclusively for probably some where between a year and year and a half. I will admit in the beginning I was still talking to a few people but once Goofball and I meet a couple of times, that I was it. I decided I would give him my full attention, whatever that would mean.

Soooooo that was long for no reason.

Back to the story. Last Christmas I did want to get him something little for Christmas but it was "too early" and I didn't think it was a good time. This Christmas though I don't feel that way at all. I got him a gift. But, I don't know, I felt like I better let him know because it seemed fitting in what we were talking about (gift giving). He said "You broke the code." Hmmm WTF!? What code?

Well I have looked. A LOT! and everything I find is like this article. I found others but they all pretty much say the same. No matter where you start counting we have been dating more than the time where it is "too early" to give a gift.

So I didn't break the code! Ha!

Anywho, to me that isn't the point. The point is this is someone I like very much. I had a great idea of a gift I wanted to give him so I bought it. I think he will really like it and that was the point. To make him happy.

And really to me, should there really be rules about dating? Okay maybe a few and only in the beginning, like "Please don't come by my house at the 2 in the morning and watch my house." or maybe "It probably isn't a good idea to follow me everywhere I go." I mean that is just creepy, right?

But come on, once two people have been dating for several months or more, shouldn't they then get to just follow what feels right for them?

I knew you would agree!

Another saturday night and.....

I'm an affectionate person. I like to touch, kiss, hug and I like to be touched, kissed and hugged.

My ex was not. He didn't hold my hand. The few times he did, I could tell he didn't want to. So it just felt wrong. He kissed me but only to initiate sex.... and then it was over as quick as it started. He didn't kiss me during. Just some kissing before and it was over. Now on this note, I have never had sex with someone that I didn't like to kiss so this was something that changed in him really quickly. We used to kiss a lot when we first started dating but.... it didn't last even the first year. Then on the hugging. He would let me hug him but rarely did he put his arms around me.

*sigh*

Oh well moment over.

So tonight I enjoyed all three and it was so nice. I think it makes the sex better too. I mean for me, not sure if it does for him.... (grin)

Anyway, another wonderful, amazing night with Goofball. He looked damn sexy tonight, more than usually.... Yum. I was having a really hard time tending to the food because really all I wanted to do was drag him to the floor or the bed or where ever. I had to have him.

Thanks for a fun night, Goofball. Glad you enjoyed dinner and dessert. It was fun to cook for you. I'm glad everything turned out okay... I wasn't too crazy about the chicken though it wasn't terrible. Next time something with beef. I like beef. I'm from Texas. :)

Anyway, I get the kiddos tomorrow at noon. Gotta drive up half way and pick them up. I'm enjoying my break but I will be glad to get them back. I'm having some weird mommy guilt over handing them over to a man that had just an hour before threatened my cats and then just before walking out half joked about not giving me the kids back. WTF?! So I will be anxious to get to the pick up location and then get my babies back where they belong.

Oh and I'm complaining a lot about money lately but mostly because Dec 25th is just around the corner. I don't really worry toooo much about money. A little but who doesn't? But, right now I'm feeling the pressure of the Big day. It will be fine though. I am just going to work a plan and stick to it. The kids really don't need much and I have already let the big kids know things will be a bit tighter than normal. So we shall see.

And that in a nutshell is my Saturday night. Of course I'm singing "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money cuz I just got paid..." Love that song!

Wow

I just had one of the best nights. *grin* The perfect walk on the beach weather.

That is all. I just want to remember this night and putting it in my blog, I will at least know what night it was.

Feels weird....

I am home on a Sunday night. Actually I was for the last 2 weeks but tonight is a little different. Goofball is going out and I'm not going with him. It was my choice not to go but it still feels a bit weird.

Oh background, he gets out of the house on Sunday nights. Before the summer, I would go out and meet him most Sundays. Over the summer with the kiddos gone, we went out together for all of them.

Tonight I could get out. Tonight he is out and yet I decided not to go because I have a thing for guy time. He deserves it! He works really hard all week and really deserves to just be free.

So, Goofball, I hope you have (had) fun and yes I do want you to miss me a teeny, tiny bit but not enough not to enjoy yourself. (which I'm sure will NOT be a problem!) I do miss you.

No more sexual frustrations....

At least for tonight.

So Goofball and I were able to get together tonight. It was sort of an anniversary. One year ago on this date, we got to meet for the first time. Call it our "Meet-n-Greet-iversary" (Ha, ha, actually thought of that over dinner but missed the opportunity to say it then!)......

Last year was my Friday off so we met over milkshakes after chatting online for almost 2 months. It was a really nice meet and greet. He seemed nice and well the rest is history as they say.

We went to dinner, ice cream (of course!) and sex. Niiicee. The last was a surprise thing we hadn't planned on. But, oh so good and oh so needed.

So anyway, it was a great night and the sexual frustration is lessened. Thanks, Goofball.

Nice Sunday Afternoon

So today was a really nice day. We had a pretty relaxing weekend in general, except for Saturday evening which involved a lot of running kids around.

Anyway, so Saturday night I was let in on a little secret. Goofball was going to visit us the next day. He told me in a way that made me smile and get that giddy feeling in my stomach. He was going to come hang out with me and my kids. Wow. It may seem like a little thing but its not. To me, well this is kinda big. I mean I really appreciate him coming all the way out here just to hang out with us.

It turned out to just be me and my boys. K had spent the night at a friend's house and the mom called to ask if they could all go to a movie. SURE! I'm glad she has a good friend to hang out with. Actually she is quite popular but whatever....

So Goofball, the boys and I played Phase 10. The little on got bored and went to watch a movie. The rest of us continued to play.... Until he won.

We then hung out a bit, fought the obvious sexual frustrations we were both having and then we said good-bye.

And so here I sit, smiling with appreciation that he would just come to hang out. Smiling because I enjoyed the afternoon with him and my boys. And smiling even more knowing at the end of the month (or sooner if I can find a way), we can deal with this mounting sexual frustrations. That should be a lot of fun.

End of Summer.... sort of.

Okay so by the calendar, its not really the end of summer but it is for me.

My kids come back on SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And while I really can't wait, it also means that the already limited time that I have to see Goofball is now cut back again. While my kids have been gone these two months, he and I have enjoyed a lot more time together because I could fit my schedule to his. Now we will have to try to match schedules again.... which is really what we were used to and I will admit, I feel a bit spoiled by the time together. He just left and don't tell him.... okay I know he reads this.... but I cried when he left.... why? Because I'm a girl! Sometimes we do that.

I have really enjoyed this summer. My time alone, time with Goofball and just doing whatever I wanted to do. I was having serious financial issues before the summer. Now I am back on track. Very good in fact.

Well now I am going to start decorating the house for the kids return. Wow, do I remember how to be a mom?? I have to cook dinner and fed people other than just myself (and the cats)... so I am going to hang streamers and blow up a ton of balloons so that when they get home, they will know I missed them and that I am very glad they are back! I will get something special for dinner and maybe even get/make a special dessert.

So that's the end of my summer.....

What a year!

To Goofball,

What started out with a simple email has turned into a year of memories. I feel really lucky to have met you, though some days you keep me wondering why! Just kidding! :) You make me laugh and smile even on the days I don't always want to. And, while I don't have expectations of mind reading, you have this knack for it, like emailing or calling just when I need you too.

You are thoughtful and respectful. You make me think in ways I have never before or of things I knew nothing about. You are patient with me and well a damn good kisser too!

I don't know the future nor do I want to. I want to enjoy these moments for the moments they are.

Anyway, thanks.

Changes and a Busy Week

So I changed the way people can leave comments. I did it for Min and Robert! I want more people to comment not just read, so I have it set so that anyone can comment. Now if I start getting all kinds of weird comments, I might change it. But for now, that's it.

I have been missing the kiddos but thankfully I have been really busy. Between the Mama Drama Con Queso, visiting family and Goofball, I haven't be home a lot. Work is going to keep me busy this week as well. We have an Intern Event Wednesday and Thursday.

Soooo other than that, not much. Just truckin' and counting down until August. I mean I am enjoying the heck out of my freedom, but it is really quiet and hard to come home at night.

Also a quick shout out..... Thanks for dinner, Goofball! It was nice to have a place to go where dinner was cooked and I just got to chill.... oh and have some grown-up conversation! I am looking forward to tomorrow too. :)

Day one - No kids - Summer 2

So last summer, the kids were gone for only 3 weeks. They left on June 25 (K's bday) and went to the ex-In laws for the whole time. This summer we have a court order that says at least 42 days (last summer we agreed on 3 wks). They will actually be gone more like 2 mths.

Anyway. So I did fine. No crying but I didn't laugh either. I was just .... well.... normal! Okay sort of, I had a lump in the back of my throat like I might cry and that giddy feeling in my stomach that you get when you are excited.

Came home and cleaned house.

And, as I sit here typing this, I am suppose to be packing to go to New Orleans for work. But I am waiting on some laundry so I can finish... err, start.

Goofball came over for a short time tonight. It was great to see him, even if we only got a short time together. It was great because he kinda surprised me but a little embarrassing because I was just out of the shower and about to take out my garbage! Now that's attractive, right? lol!

Well I'm off for a few days but will update on my trip! I'm so excited. This is my first team meeting for work and while it may be a boring meeting, it sounds like parts of it will be fun!!! We are doing some kind of team building exercise in the French Quarter. We are guessing some kind of Scavenger hunt or something similar!

Back on Thursday!