Oy!

I'm fine! :) The "Sometimes" entry was suppose to be more of an almost poetic type of writing. Do I feel that way? Yeah a little bit. I mean I do get really lonely being a single woman. Last night I was feeling it a bit more than normal. But I have been thinking about the below piece for some time.

I actually feel pretty darn good about life. Things aren't exactly the way I want them. I miss Goofball more than I see him but when we do hang out, it is great. I have my babies too! I have a wonderful family. I have a job.... tomorrow, in fact, heading out to California for a week. No blogging for sure this week....

So yeah, sometimes I get sad and lonely and throw a pity party for one. Really? It is just an excuse to write!

I know I am lucky. Very lucky.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes I get so lonely that it actually hurts.
Sometimes I feel like I could just burst into tears from the pain.
Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the lonely.
Sometimes the pain of it is so overwhelming.
Sometimes I just wish it would go away.
Sometimes I run out of words because I just feel empty.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah that pretty much sums it up! If it isn't one thing it is another. Usually it is my allergies in some form and I am almost 100% sure that I will have to find an allergist again. I haven't had to get shots for a long time. I just recently got an inhaler which I haven't had for at least 6 yrs, probably more.

I still battle fatigue and pains in my neck, back and shoulders. My doctor has said that is stress and yeah it is. I can tell because there are times when I have nothing to think about and I am pain free! It is soo nice.

And it is like a vicious circle because here is the thing... I know part of it is my weight but I don't feel good so I don't work out or eat right. I am tired all the time so I don't work out or eat right and because I don't do either I feel tired and feel crappy. Isn't that nice?

I mean I get it. I do but it is sooo hard to break that cycle.

However, I would like to report that I finally had a productive weekend. I finally felt good! All weekend. For two whole days! I got so much done!

And then today I am sore! and tired! and back to .... well my normal anyway. But also a bit different, why? because I feel good about all I got done that I overcame some of my "issues" and was able to do the things I have needed to for so long.

I am also doing Weight Watchers at work, taking the stairs to the 4th floor at work (and back down) and trying to take control of my life and health again.

I'm a planner so sue me!

I am a planner. I like routine and while I sometimes worry that I get in a rut.... well it isn't a rut exactly the way some people think. It is more like a depression or something missing feeling than a true rut.

Sooo anyway, I don't like to be in limbo, not knowing what tomorrow brings. No I can't tell the future and I don't expect to but as long as I have a plan, I feel safe. I usually have more than one plan for any given time. This helps keep my anxiety disorder under control.

For example, to go to the grocery store, I have to talk myself through the steps.... Where to park, then park, which door I am going to go in, where I will start, etc. I visualize each of these steps too, not just talking myself through it.... It is a very detailed process in my mind but it helps me to get through it. It is easier for me to go if I take one or more child with me. When I have to go alone, I actually have to force myself to go. It almost hurts to go sometimes. I tend to park in the same general area, go in the same door, walk the same path.

And it isn't just the grocery store. It is everywhere.

My days are like this too. If my mornings don't go just right, I have a hard time shaking it. I can barely keep my anxiety under control .... but I do. I do it almost everyday.

However, sometimes some thing will come along and shake everything I know. Just one situation and everything goes haywire. Something big, like my divorce, losing my job, financial issues.... like big ones, not just everyday ones. When those things happen, I can fall into my rut, depression, anxiety, just fall into myself and I can't climb out easily. I have to get my balance again, I have to steady myself and then put one foot in front of the other.

It might sound crazy. Maybe I am. I make it work most of the time but I just have to have a plan (or two or three... as back ups, just in case).

What's in a name? .... Everything!

The name of my blog is Single Mom Finding Herself. I started writing this about 3 yrs ago (actually in May it will be 3 yrs). I had tried two times before to start a blog but I couldn't find my niche, the thing that would make me want to write and make me stand out a bit.

At the time I was starting a journey of going from being a couple with children to being two separate people with children. He was moving 200+ miles away and I was going to school, looking for permanent work and trying hard to raise three children.... Oh and trying to date.... but first that would take sorting through what I had become and looking deep for the person I really was.

My marriage had nearly killed me. My soul was sold to that man in 1999 when I decided to not go through with the divorce then. That haunted me year after year. Until August 2004, when an old boyfriend came back into my life, only via emails and IM, but I was able to put some closure of hurt that I still carried from that relationship and break up. It made me strong and I knew what I had to do. It took months but I finally got my husband (now ex) to agree to let me come home and look for a job. I knew I wasn't going back and so did he. He likes to remember it differently and that is okay. We all have our own views on life... this is mine. I knew that by coming back here, I was going to get a divorce. Though I did try a few times that last year.... it was really over.

This is why I started my blog and Single Mom Finding Herself fit then and still fits now. It really describes me and to be honest I have thought a lot about starting a new blog to give myself a little anonymity. Many people know about this blog now, even though I haven't been as active lately, my name is still out there. There are things I want to write about that I would rather people that know me, not read. Why? I don't know. Everyone can have a few secrets, right?

Recently I was talking with M is for Misanthrope, as part of our conversation, she said how my name really holds true because I am still on a road of discovery. Okay, maybe not her exact words but ya know.... I think we are all doing that, everyday. We change and rediscovery something about our self everyday.

So my blog is here to stay. I do not have another blog. I do not plan to start another and the only way I would is if I took my name with me.... I will just follow my dad's long given advice of "Don't write anything you don't want someone to read."

Besides, if I don't keep up the blog, my book won't make as much sense!

No apologies

I am tired of apologizing for my lack of blogging, even if I am sorry and missing it, I will not apologize. Life happens.

So what has been happening? Kids stuff. Lots of work and I have been sick again. and just a few other things I am not ready to talk about or even wrap my brain around.... Ack!

Kids stuff.... My daughter has been talking to people all over the country. I can only HOPE they are truly people her age but I don't know and I can't be for sure so we (her father and I) have had to take some measures to protect her. He has her cell phone account so he has been monitoring her use and OH BOY does she use it! She ran up quite the bill recently. He has blocked several phone numbers of guys we know she is talking to. I deleted a game she plays which is where she has been "meeting" these guys and set some parental controls so I can view her activity and control the hours in which she uses the computer. I doubt she will have as much interest now that I deleted that.

In some ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been "meeting" people online for about 7 yrs now but I am a grown-up, she is a child. While I still have to be careful and use common sense online, I do and I understand. She just doesn't have that common sense yet. She is a smart kid but in the name of being "cool" or having a "boyfriend".... she just won't think.

Soooo that is my child problems.

Work is work. I am burned out and need a new one. I have interviewed for a new position at my company but no news yet. Soooo..... just keeping my eyes open for new opportunities.

Sick? Yeah I think it is stress, lack of sleep and maybe a sinus infection. But the way I feel is a lot like I felt this past summer with the seizures. I really hope it is something easy. I don't want to have a ton of medical bills again. Ack!

That is my life right now.

To Shuttle Mom!!! and about my Bday

This is several days late but I did think of you on our Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! I hope you got spoiled and that you have a great year! (Thanks for the Bday wishes in the comments)

I had a great weekend and a great Bday. I took the kids to Target and they got me some gifts. They were soo cute about it. I parked myself in Starbuck's with a drink and a book (Jen Lancaster! Love her! If you haven't read her, get thyself to a book store pronto! I have my ex's wife reading them right now and she said her new hobby is to cyper-stalk Jen.... I said welcome to the club.... Wait, off point!) Anyway, K got me some new PJs, love them. H got me a picture frame and got my mom to take a picture of the three of them to put in it! Cute! and then my little L got me some shoes. And for a 6 yr old, he actually has good taste.

Then my parents made me a great Italian Dinner, got me a cake and gave me some things from Bath and Body works. Awesome.

I then took my bday off.... since it was Monday! and Goofball and I spent the day together. It was nice. Oh sooo nice!

Sooo I just have to say, it was a great way to start my 36th year.

Feeling better

Thank you for all the great support! I have taken it all to heart.

I had a chat with my most special friend tonight and she gave me the talk I needed. I appreciate her very much. She is one of my dearest friends and though we have been apart for a long time, it is only distance. She still knows me very, very well. And she isn't the type that tells me WHAT I want to hear but what I NEED to hear and I really love that about her. But sometimes what I want to hear is the hard stuff that is hard to swallow but I need it just the same.

She knows that I have times that I just get depressed and it has nothing to do with anything but my typical depression cycles and when that happens, I tend to magnify one or two problems to something huge... It isn't a big deal and I just need to remember that.

Ack! I hate depression! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

But I have a plan and she thinks it is good so we go from there... err, I go from there. :)

Thank you for listening (Reading)!!!

Thick skin/thin skin

I feel like I am a pretty strong person and I love myself very much. This wasn't always the case and while I feel this way most of the time, sometimes I allow myself to get down on myself and give into being weak. I think it is normal.

I also feel like I am fairly thick skinned, meaning I don't take things to heart when people talk bad about me or tell me I am wrong. Heck I know I am not perfect and I know what areas I could improve on. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be human and I wouldn't be me.

However, once I open my heart to you, be it family or friend, I get a very thin skin and can be hurt by you. I think this is also a normal part of being human. We have emotions and I don't think as a whole we were meant to be reclusive. I realize there are exceptations to ever rule but my point is we seek out people to be around and have in our life, and therefore we can open ourselves to being hurt.

Not sure where I was going with this.... Hmmm... Let's change direction a bit... I am trying to explain my recent absence a bit but it is very scrambled up.

I just feel like my life is spinning around me right now and I do not feel like fixing it at the moment. I might whine a bit or complain, heck I might even cry or worse get sick from it. But I know it is a moment in time and I know that I will get back to me. I call these times my depression moments. I am down in this hole, just looking up and watching, waiting for the skies to clear. I can only focus on one area in my life at a time when I am like this. It has to be work most of the time or else I can't support the family.

The house is the first thing that takes a back seat. Gosh I want my house clean but if I just hide in the hole for a bit, I can't see it. I am not a great housekeeper, never have been. I see the pet hair. I see the 100 glasses and the trash and the laundry.

I just want to pay someone else to do it who either 1. is good at it and/or 2. does a good job because it is their job. I don't care which just so long as I have a clean house and I am not the one doing it....

Cooking is not fun for me anymore either.... heck it wasn't, even before I climbed on down this hole. I used to enjoy it and I used to have pride in it, but I also worked a lot fewer hours and had people that actually appreciated my efforts. I do eat "bad" several times a week but for the most part, I do okay. I try to eat several veggies and some fruit in a day. I try to balance my carb intact and my proteins. I do drink one soda a day but I drink a lot of water. When I don't have a soda, I will drink one glass of milk or juice.... there are rare days I do both in one day (Sunday for example was a bad food day).... But truly I know what to eat, how to eat and how much. I know why I am overweight. Just right now, in this hole, it is not a priority.

And then I could complain about my kids. They do not help me around the house as much as I would like and they are somewhat disrespectful to me. I have tried many different things except for whatever works. Rewards, consequences, grounding, etc.... Doesn't matter to them. And I am sure if I had cameras in my house 24/7, I could see what it is I am doing wrong. I am a push over and I have some typical mommy guilt that causes me to reduce groundings and reward even when there is nothing to reward. I get it. But overall, I have good kids and they do know when to stop pushing back and just pick up.....

That is just a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind.... and it isn't even the big, huge elephant in the room problem that I can't seem to deal with. These are the fixable things at least. My big elephant is not at the moment fixable. Well really it is but I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation and the clock is ticking. And this is the one that keeps me hiding in this hole. This is one that if I decide to fix, it will get me out of the hole but do I want to?

I told myself several years ago that if I was ever unhappy with something in my life I would fix it. Be it a job, a relationship, myself, the house.... It didn't matter, I would take control and fix it. I vowed that life was too short to live it unhappy, yet what if the thing that brings you the most joy is also the thing destroying you day after day, week after week.... Then what?

So you see why I live with an elephant.

I don't want anyone reading into this what they think my problem might be that needs fixing. You could guess and guess, and you would be wrong.... and heck even if it were true, am I ready to admit it? No, not yet.

I don't really want someone to fix it for me either. I have to solve this problem. It is my problem.

It took me eight years to fix my last elephant sized problem and before that it was also years. I am a patient person but I also believe in taking risks. So just like I knew it was time to move back to Texas, end my marriage, quit a job I didn't like.... I will wait until I feel I am ready and only then can I walk away thinking, "No regrets! and What a ride!"

NASCAR is back!!!!

Today is the Daytona 500!!!! Wooohooo!

Of course L has a bday party to go to through most of it and I am sooo tempted to call them and say we can't make it. But *sigh*... I won't. I will just catch the beginning and end as well as record it on DVR just in case I miss something good!

I don't have any prediction and I have to admit I haven't kept up with the latest news on the drivers.... but I will now!

Good luck today boys! I am hoping for a good race!

Looking at the past to find myself

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook. I originally joined for work as a networking thing and also to learn the ins and outs of it because I have teenagers and I need to know about these social networking sites.

For a long time I resisted looking for my high school classmates. I hated HS and was very socially immature back them. I remember so many embarrassing things that I did or said and I hate to think that people will remember that way. But there are many people that I truly do want to know how they are doing and others I have gotten in touch with through the years, and then lost touch.

Heck I don't even think I will be going to my 20th HS Reunion but it is still about 2 yrs away so who knows. Maybe by opening this door to my past I can mend some of the bridges, fix the fences and just in general get some closure on my past. I figured if people get a look at my life now and who I have became, they would also forget the way I used to be.

I do realize we all change from the people we were in HS. After all, it was 18 yrs ago and we were still children though trying to be adults. We went to college or to work, we have gotten married and some divorced. We have kids now and have responsibility that we just didn't have in HS.

I do like me now. I like me a lot. I think I am a good person, fun to be around and I know when enough is enough..... most of the time! I would be my friend if I were me. So maybe in a few years when it is time for our reunion and due to the fact that I have now opened that door, I might just go and I might just have fun!

Still around and kickin'

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.

His favorite things

My youngest is 6 years old. There is a big gap between him and the older two by nature not by design. He was treated much different than the older two because one I was an older parent and two I had more experience and three, he had these two older siblings to help spoil and entertain him.

He has also had to be more competitive to get attention and what his sees as his.

That being said, he inherited a lot of his brother's old toys. As H would outgrow them, L would get them.

But more than that, L has a different view on toys than H did. EVERYTHING, no joke, is L's fave. Even down to things he gets out of a Happy Meal or gum ball machine. He honestly plays with all his toys.

I have tried numerous times to go through his toys to clean out ones he doesn't play with but as I sort through, I find very few things that he just doesn't play with and usual it is because those few things are broken or something.

On one hand, I love this about him because he has such a great imagination that he can figure out how to make Fisher Price Little people, dinosaurs and Star Wars figures all interact in a way that makes sense. He amazes me!

However, after each birthday and each Christmas, I am finding it harder and harder to buy him things because we have just plain run out of room for his things. This year I tried telling him that Santa needed him to clean out his things to make room for new things. He agreed but we still had a really hard time and in the end, I didn't take out a thing that wasn't broken. Anything broken is out of here.

Does your child have one favorite things or is he/she like mine and loves everything?

In a rut?

Sometimes I feel like my life is in a rut. I do the same things everyday. I see the same people. I wear the same clothes. I have the same worries. I eat the same foods. My life doesn't change much. And most of the time I am okay with that.

But there are others times I get itchy, restless. Not ready to settle on what life has handed me. I want to take risks and step out of my comfort zone but....

For some reason I lose my nerve. I stay in my comfort zone. I keep doing the same things. I do try not to complain most of the time either because I know I did it. I know I am the one and only holding me back.

I guess this is one of those times that I miss having a partner next to me (girl or guy, just a friend to take risks with). I don't have a best friend, I don't have a sister and I don't have a spouse.... though this could easily be a role that Goofball could fill if time and schedules were not an issue for both of us. (and no I don't mean spouse, just partner in crime type of role).....

I need that moral support to help me get over my fears. Fears of what? Oh looking stupid! Falling down. Tripping over someone. All those things.

It is silly really but it is all part of my mental health (healthy and unhealthy)....

But honestly I have no idea how to fix it. So basically I am just whining for nothing right now.

Happy New Year!!!! 2009

I can't believe it is 2009!? Is that right? It used to seem such a long time ago. Wasn't it just yesterday we were all singing how we were going to party like it was 1999? And 1999 was ten years ago now. So now how are we suppose to party? Like it is 2019? 2029?

Well anyway, I can't say I am exactly sad to see 2008 end though. It wasn't really a bad year but it was pretty rough and at times I wasn't sure if I would ever get through the moments. After all, though, they are just moments in time and if we wait long enough and think positively, we will get through.

Easier said than done when you aren't sure where the money is going to come from or why your body is suddenly betraying you but still.

I have pushed past and kept my eye on the prize and now my life looks so much better or at least to me.

I sit now in my newly remodeled bedroom after showering in my new bathroom. I am getting ready to hop in my new car and take my three beautiful wonderful children to visit their grandparents and new Aunt and two new cousins. Afterwards, we will come home and hang out with Goofball this evening and no doubt we will be tackled by our 60 lb pup!

Yep, 2008 wasn't too bad but I am so looking forward to the surprises that await me everyday in this new year. And yes, I truly believe that everyday is a chance for a new surprise. Nothing special but just a beautiful sunset or a hug from my child or a special word from a friend or even finding a penny on the ground. Everyday can be that way if you look at it that way.... and this is actually how I think each morning.

But human is as human does, I do let other things get me down.... traffic, mean people, my ex or just worry in general. Worry that I can't protect my children. There are so many things that I have no power over and few I would even if I could. They have to experience some hurt in life, right? I do try to push those thoughts from my mind as much as possible though because if I worry about what could be or what might happen, then I might miss what is right now. Because that, my friends, is what life is about..... enjoying the here and now.....

I have heard that..... the past is the past, the future is the future, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

Enjoy it, my friends. Blessings and best wishes for a happy new year.

Single Mom’s Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Every creature was stirring, but luckily, no mouse.
The stockings are here and one over there...
It is almost like nobody around here could care.
The children were wild and fighting, nowhere near their beds.
While helpless, I watch them hit each other's heads.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter.
We all ran out to see what was the matter.
Away to the door, I flew like a flash
Tripped on a car and then stepped on some trash.
I cursed out loud at the mess they had made
And said, “why can’t you put things way after you played.”
When what to my wondering eyes should I find,
But the dog and cat in quite a bind.
The dog was barking, the cat was hissing.
But good thing neither was missing.
The kids started shouting and making it worse.
I knew I had to take control, and started to converse.
“Now, Cowboy! Now Sebastian! Kids stop it right now!”
“Oh come on guys, I need a break, somehow.”
“Get in the house! And go to your rooms!”
“You in the kennel. No more of these volumes.”
With sad faces or tucked tails, and emotional display
They did march, but for once no words of back talk, they just did obey.
I sat for a moment, and paused at the scene.
And thought, “How many people live here? Fifteen?”
I had to clean before Santa could do his task.
I really had no choice and no time to bask.
I picked up and dusted, straightened and washed every dish
I was getting sleepy, cranky and downright childish.
I creeped down the hall to check on the kids.
I found even breathing and closed tight eyelids.
Then back down the hall to where presents were stashed,
And hoped that nothing got too smashed.
I started unpacking and sorting out gifts
Once, from the bedrooms, I heard tiny shifts,
So I paused and listened, and heard not a sound
I had to work fast before I was found!
All gifts were arranged, full stockings and candy canes hung on the tree,
It would be quite a sight for the first up to see.
I yawned and I stretched before turning out the light,
I reflected for a moment on what all happened that night.
I did this again by myself. Just one mother with three children
No partner around, just me to take action.
My children, my world. My everything in those three.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to thee.

Traffic Makes Poeple Crazy

I'm sure somewhere someone is doing a very expensive, time consuming study about this. And yes we have all heard about road rage.

Let me save you both time and money and give you the answer. Waiting in traffic makes people crazy!

They get mad, impatient and forget their manners. They yell, curse and flip off strangers. Cut in line, block intersections, drive on the shoulder, cut corners and just in general make it dangerous for others.

Am I guilty of some, if not all, of these? YES!

I sit in a lot of traffic and mostly, though, I am patient. My occasional yelling or impatience is at the idiot that I mentioned above.

Tonight, for example, we were sitting in a lot of traffic to only go a few miles at best. As soon as we were free, some one made the mistake of deciding to turn right.... the horror! The more important person in the car behind them decided they wanted to go in around instead of waiting the 1-2 seconds it would take for the person to turn. Problem was I was in the lane next to them. I honked, the VIP stayed in her lane.

I don't remember driving always being like this. I feel like I am driving into warfare or something. I have to be both offensive and defensive at the same time with my driving.

What I hate the most in the whole wide world is when a driver knows the lane ends, you have to merge, the continuing lane backs up, as drivers will go all the way to the end of the lane before getting over and basically "cut" in. What is worse is when they will continue on the shoulder until they can get in. I will let one car in. One car! That's all I "have" to let in. One car is polite! And yes sometimes I will let 2 in, but that is my limit! Why should I let 2, 3, 4 people over just so I have to sit there that much longer. What if every car in front of me let 2+ cars in line? That is why the line is sooo long in the first place! Duh!

Anyway, just had to vent since I almost got sideswapped tonight! (actually writing this on Monday but posting on Wednesday!)

Ban on Dogs or Owners

I don't usually write about "hot topics" but this one is a hot button for me.

There was this article about Texas Attorney General being asked his opinion on banning certain breeds of dogs. Very interesting, yet hot topic.

I don't know if I agree or disagree. But let me talk you through some of my thoughts on it.

I am a dog owner. I am not the best nor worst dog owner. I know what to do in theory with him but I don't always follow through as much as I should. One thing that I made sure I did was socialize him as a puppy but since I haven't been able to get him neutered yet (after the first of the year! snip, snip, baby) I haven't done as much socializing as he needs.

So I do try to be a responsible pet owner of a very powerful, strong and smart dog. He is a mix of two of the breeds on this list for home insurance and dog breeds that might raise your insurance rate or you may even get denied. (I was honestly surprised to see Husky because all of them that I have known are big teddy bears but they are strong dogs and in the wrong hands....I guess)

I knew this getting him so I had to take a firm hand (okay somewhat) from the beginning (he was sooo darn cute in the beginning).... He is still really cute and it is hard sometimes to follow through with disciplining him. I also try not to really play with him too much, like rough play (I will throw a ball or toy) but I don't want him to see me as an equal but as the alpha. I need to control the food and boundaries, etc. He can not win "games" with me. I have to win or I don't play.

So anyway, I would hate for my dog "breed" to be banned and I know many pit bull owners would be upset by it too.

However, I think that many of them would agree with me that in the wrong hands and with the crossed and bad bloodlines out there, they can be very dangerous. That isn't to say they all are, just that they can be.... They are smart, strong, powerful dogs. Then again, any dog can be bad in the wrong hands, over bred and after being abused.

So who do you "ban" the dog or the owner or maybe even a little of both? I think if they make it harder to get the dogs, it would help a bit but just like illegal drugs, people will find a way and I think that the dogs might even be treated worse, making them meaner. *shutter*

I thought talking it out would help me be on one side of the fence or the other. I am still clearly on the fence about this. I don't think there is a clear right or wrong answer on this issue because I see how these breeds can be (not just pits but all the "dangerous" dogs). However, how do you control the "bad" ones.... the owners and the mean dogs they created? I just don't think banning is the right answer.....

What do you think? What do you think of the list of dangerous dogs?

The Alchemy of Loss

This is my second book review for TLC Books. I hope that I can continue to review books.

I was asked to read The Alchemy of Loss by Abigail Carter. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this or how I would feel or relate to a widow. I choose to not have a spouse any longer. She did not.

From the minute I picked up the book until it was done, I was hooked. Obviously I am reading a book about a widow, a widow of 9/11. I knew how the big story went. I knew that when she got the first phone call from him saying where he was, that it wasn't going to be a happy story; however, I was not expecting to be sucked in the way I was.

As she watched the news, as she waited for news, anything, I was waiting and hoping too. I felt silly because I knew it wasn't going to end with him coming home but she wrote it so well that I was waiting for him with her. I kept thinking was it because I had felt strong emotions over the event as well and so I knew how I felt not even having lost anyone or was it her writing. I am chalking it up to both because the rest of the book was written in much the same way and I was spellbound as I read it.

I also saw how I could relate to a widow in the pages. She was grieving and my own grieving a failed marriage is many of the same steps and emotions. There are many differences of course because I made a choice and I still see my ex.

I definitely would recommend this book to any reader. We can all relate in different ways to Abigail and her journey. I wish her luck.

So check it out!

Just very random stuff

I have a lot on my mind so I haven't been doing great (again) at blogging. I keep wondering if I should give this up. I found myself a long time ago but at the same time there are always new things I find challenging with my role as a single mom. *sigh* I hope I can keep this going because honestly I do love it.

Anyway.... All my Christmas shopping is finally done! I got a later start than I wanted but today I bought the last of it. We have a tradition that "Santa" leaves Candy Canes on the tree. I had to buy the candy canes and I thought for sure that would be pretty easy. Not! My kids have been spoiled by the different flavored ones, not peppermint. They don't even eat those! So I have to buy the different flavors. I did find some but not the requested ones. Oh well. They are good enough.

Speaking of traditions, another one we do is on Christmas eve I give them pajamas. When K and H were little, I used to match them. But now it is just whatever looks good at the store. They each got two this year because they all need PJs. Plus I couldn't decide! I love PJs. Wish we could wear that to work.

Then tomorrow I do another book review. I am excited about this book. I love it. I think most of the people that read my blog would love it! No hints or giving it away but just check back tomorrow for the review. I need to find my notes that I wrote.... Hmmm....

The kids all went with their dad and stepmom to her mom's house in Austin. At first K wasn't going to go but about an hour before they got her, she changed her mind. We have all been sick this week so I was also worried they wouldn't go. I hate to be like ungrateful but I needed a break really bad. I love them to pieces! Can't live without them but I just need a break.... or really what I need is more help with them and from them but that is a whole other blog post.

Oh and look in my sidebar! I have a new widget.... It is my baby brother's band!!! He is the singer. I got goosebumps when I heard him. Not that I think they are superstars but I think they have a really great sound and with some more practice and the right breaks, they could good go far.

My other brother is in Iraq. I have emailed his wife... well just once. She is sad. I don't often like to wish away time, but I hope for her and him that the time seems to fly. I have been crying again too. Mostly when I think of him or something reminds me of him. Even when I think of her, I get choked up.

In other news, have you seen the commerical with the little boy that is yelling at his dad for eating the last cookie? "He's gonna leave! He's gonna leave!" (see video below)..... Cracks me up EVERYTIME! I love it. Not sure why but a few others loved it enough to put it on YouTube.








Soooo anyway, I wish you all a Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate). I will more than likely post more this week! I will actually not have to fight for the Computer!