Stuff, stuff and more stuff

Not sure what to lead off with here.... I miss the kids, I know at least one is missing home a lot! She text messages or calls me DAILY!!!!! Last night was "Help me, I can't take this. I want to come home." It is like a cry for help that I can't answer. On one hand I don't feel bad at all!!!! But the other.... well damn my baby is sad and I want to fix it. Truth be told I want to fix everyone.

Also, I'm on a new med to help me sleep and BOY does it make me sleep..... well actually not so much sleep as it makes me SLEEPY!!! ALL DAY!!! and dizzy too. Ack! So now I am on two meds and still not feeling "fixed".... My electric shock therapy is my next step. Okay maybe not.....

The puppy is doing GREAT! Okay so he is a baby and is a spoiled, rotten brat!!!! But he is smart. Knows most of the basic commands, except the one about not biting me! Overall a good boy and so much fun.

Good stuff at work. I love my job though this week I have been off because of the meds. But, I just had my yearly review and it was GREAT! I got a nice little raise. Got my contractor service bridged for my benefits. It doesn't change my service date but just for how much vacation I get, sick leave and gets me a year closer to retirement! I guess that's about it from me......

There is probably more but my brain has stopped working. I guess the two meds have met and it is time for sleeping. :)


Because Margaret asked!!!! Here are some puppy pics.

Wordless (sort of) Wednesday

"Do something for yourself this week"

So with the kids gone, everyone keeps telling me to do something for myself this week, to get out and enjoy myself. And yes, I do agree with that thinking but I don't think everyone has the same idea of what would be fun for me.

Several people have told me to go out a lot. But I am more of the at home type. I am an introvert. I get energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people makes me tired and anxious. Though I don't mind some.

I do plan to enjoy myself but I don't plan to go out much, if at all. Though I did enjoy a really nice evening with Goofball last night. Even after all this time, I get really excited to see him each time. It was truly a nice evening.

Anyway, the kids seem to be doing okay, though K has text messaged several times each day and called me a few times too. Today the first text said, "Help me." It was nothing..... she said she just missed me. *sigh* It will be nice to get those babies home with me.

Open letter to my ex

Dear M,

I want to discuss this drama between you and K. You have never seemed to understand that the kids need you. You seem to think that being in the same state as them is good enough. That seeing them 2-3x a year and for an extended summer visit is enough. You seem to think calling a few times a week is good enough. But Mister, it is not. They need you. Your daughter is dramatic and seems to have an attitude with you as a front to her real feelings. Don't you get that? She misses you and you barely even consider her feelings in anything you do.

And while I realize that my way of handling things isn't always right. I know you don't agree with my laid back style, it seems to get fairly good results. She trusts me. I validate her feelings. I never tell her she is wrong in how she feels. If that is how she feels, great. Let's talk about it. And, yes again, you don't agree with me on a lot of things. But right or wrong, I think about the children in every decision I make. Every decision. Some of my decisions may not look like it but I try to make smart decisions with them in mind.... of course I can't always. Sometimes I do have to come first and so do you.

However, when you do only see them a few times a year, why ruin those few moments by being a jerk. I see your point in not wanting her to come this week because you know she is going to make things more challenging with her drama and moodiness. But, let me tell you, I do not and would not choose to basically disown her because of some petty drama. She is 13. Do you know what that means? Life sucks to a 13 yr old. It just does. And then in her mind she is not treated well when she is with you. She feels like she should be important to you, that you would almost drop everything to spend time with them. Personally I don't think it is too much to ask when they are with you just a few times a year that you make them the center of attention in a way. I am not saying stop your life completely but hey take an interest. And yes she does close up and get stubborn, don't be a baby and clam up yourself. That is counter productive.

More than anything I just wish you would have a good, positive relationship with all your children. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I should listen to the "no expectations" theory of thinking on this. I just don't think it is too much to ask that you have a good relationship with them though. Is it?

Well I guess that is all I had to say on the matter.

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger lately and for that, well I am sorry.

If I used to visit your blog and I haven't or I haven't commented recently. I am very sorry! I am not ignoring you, I'm just.... blah.

If you have sent me an email asking about linking to me, I am not ignoring you, I am just blah.

If you miss me writing more often, I am not dead and haven't quit blogging, I am just blah!

Basically I am going back to the doc this Friday to discuss my meds. I think an increase is in order. Not to mention I am way busy with the new puppy. He is totally AWESOME!!!!! He is way smart. Knows tons of stuff already and went to the Vet today for the first time (with me anyway). He weighs nearly 16 lbs. Big boy at just 10 wks old.

Then there are the kiddos. I have been busy with them. They are leaving on Saturday to visit their dad. While I know I will miss them, I am ready. I need a break!

Also I haven't mentioned but I have been talking with my ex' girlfriend. I have to admit, I really like her. We do have a lot in common and she seems really nice. I figured she is sticking around (may even be the future step-mom), I should get to know her a bit. Might sound a bit crazy but who said there were rules in divorce?? We agreed that we could set our own rules on what works for us.

I have also started chatting with my ex-Sister-in-law (ex-SIL). I always loved her, probably much more than I loved my ex. I was more upset about "losing" her in the divorce than I was him. I knew he and I were over but she and I were pretty close. I miss her so much.

And really other than just having a Bday, still seeing Goofball and looking at doing some remodeling on my house.... There is not much else going on. Just busy, busy, busy and sleepy. :)

Again, bloggy friends, I am hoping to reconnect with you all soon.

Thanks....

The true meaning of puppy love....

I would like to introduce the newest member of our family: Cowboy!!! He is a 2 month old boxer/husky mix. Yes folks he has blue eyes!

I have had a lot of dogs. This is a special one though.... I got him on Friday and he already is housebroken, knows a few basic commands and is just very comfortable in our home. He really isn't sure yet about the cats but they definitely don't like him yet. They think I should take it back where I got him.

Anyway, I have been super busy! but I really wanted to share him. He is going to be HUGE!

Divorce with kids doesn't mean the relationship ends....

Since we have kids, I still have to talk with my ex from time to time. Also, since he doesn't live here, I end up having long phone conversations with him to keep him up to speed, but he tends to ramble. I am getting used to it and, I realize I have to be nice, friendly, polite when we talk even when I want to scream.

However, I think I am getting better, much better with these conversations. In fact, I just got off the phone with him and he was rambling about how he and his girlfriend just bought a new car together. Fine. It didn't bother me at all this time to hear him talk about him, her and their life.

So the resentment and anger are melting as I knew it would. I am sure these feelings will come back from time to time but I do feel better about things.

I know that I will have to have some kind of relationship with him and at some point his girlfriend too because I do realize she is the one. I keep waiting for him to say they are getting married, because I know it is coming. So I just make the best of it all because I am actually happy for him and plus I am very happy with my life. Very happy!!!

I also feel it is important to the children that they see we can be friendly and get along. I want to set a good example for them and I try in everything I do. This is no exception. It has been a struggle but I am getting there. Slowly but I am, and like I said, I am sure there will be more hurdles and bumps but I will just handle them as well as I can and with my children in mind.

I'm the mom..... be afraid!

K told me today that most of her friends are scared of me. Damn!!!! That is both good and bad. The neighborhood boys BETTER be scared. The girls, well, I guess I don't care if they like me or not.

K's closest friends are not scared of me, they actually think I'm pretty cool.

Why did this come up today? Well because when I came home this evening, K and H were outside playing kick ball with their friends in the front yard. When the boys saw me coming, they all took off in the other directions. (evil laugh..... ) Good! I want to keep it that way!

She thinks its funny and so do I. She says I am cool.... that's all that matters to me! What she thinks!

Wordless Wednesday

Baby K

Baby H Baby L

I'm raising good kids!

Gosh it is night's like this that makes me feel like the best mom ever!

So tonight we had H's bday party. He is 12 now.... His bday was actually two weeks ago but we were just able to do his party. It was a bowling party. Way fun cuz we all like bowling.

It was me, my 3 kids, my parents, my bro's 3 kids and one of H's friends. It was a blast. Well when H was opening the gift from his friend, he said, "Well the best gift is that you were able to come."

Awww such a cool kid!

I was telling my mom the day before that H tends to be happy with just about anything. He is so not materialistic at all. He wouldn't have cared if he didn't get gifts but he was sure happy to have a couple too.

I love that kid. He has always been extra special and has always been kind of like my rock. He is steady so earlier this year when he was having a rough time, it really shook me up. That might seem like a lot to put on a kid but I don't tell him these things, but still....

Oh and my other two are really good kids too. But this was just one small proof of that! Hurray!

My Social Network

I have gone to both my primary care and my therapist recently, and both have told me that I need to extend my social network. I was shocked! Why? Because I feel like I have a great social network but really they said it because I need more support so I can deal better with my depression, stress and anxiety, as well as just the divorce in general.

I have my family and while they haven't always been my best support, we have a lot of social gatherings and I can call just about anyone to do something. And, I do know they will always be my family. The things that they haven't supported me on were minor really and with merit so whatever. Though I think that my parents look at me as the stronger of the three of us (out of me and my two bros). So they think I can handle myself better.

Then I have Goofball but I don't like to burden him as a support exactly, just the social part and oh yes, sex! Anyway, he has his own things and responsibilities that he doesn't need to be burdened with supporting me. I do vent to him sometimes and I really enjoy our time together!

There are also my PIMs! I met them here and have "known" them for 6 years now. They have been my go to girls. They have been my support through so much. I trust them with my life, to be honest with me, to be there for me, everything. They live all over the country and even one outside of the U.S. I have met most of them in person but not all. We have annual trips to met up. I have been to 3 out of 5 so far. I have also had two of the girls come to my hometown for their work and I got to meet them then as well!

I have also made some friendships through blogging and even some that live close to me! I also have in "real-life" friendships. I have friends at work even.

However, I don't go out with folks on a regular basis, other than Goofball. I just don't make time for it. I'll admit it. I have that working mom's guilt over leaving my kids since I work 10-11 hours a day (that includes commute time). If I had a more "normal" custody arrangement, then I would at least have every other weekend to myself to form and build relationships. I wouldn't have that guilt over leaving the kids and going out. So then when I do have time off, I have no idea what to do with myself because I haven't formed lastly friendships.

And how the heck do I make friends as a grown up? I don't even know! Not many of the people I do know have children my kids' ages. They are younger or older so it makes it hard to do stuff as families. Or our town is so big it is hard to find a meeting place. And everyone seems so busy. Weekends are for laundry, house work, errands and just in general down time.

I also don't have a house that is great for entertaining. Don't get me wrong, its cute but doesn't have the floor plan for entertaining. Oh plus I need living room furniture.... ya know, that helps.

Sooooo anyway, I'm at a loss. What do I do? How do I make in "real life" friends? And once I make those friends, how do I keep them and do things with them and build a social network and support system???

Both the PCP and the therapist have challenged me to work on this so I have a few weeks to come up with a plan and even put some to action. Oh joy! Any ideas on how to get past my shyness and step out of my introverted self to make friends?

Connected

A few weeks ago, I posted how I felt disconnected from my children. Well through the power of drugs and pure will power, I feel connected again. I feel like I am their mom again. We had a really great weekend.... it was lazy! We spent a lot of quality time together. Watching movies, cuddling, playing, talking.... just really nice.

And the moment I knew I was feeling better and not depressed, stressed, anxious or overwhelmed... was last night as I was getting to go meet Goofball. The boys were wild animals. For a few months now this has just been the killer for me. I would be wiped out and almost crying. I just could not deal.

Well last night, I handled it like a champ. In fact I got involved a little bit. When it was time for me to leave, I just told them to be good. I figure they were because I got no calls from the babysitter!

Soo hurray!!! I feel so, so much better. I know the meds aren't working this fast but just the relief of having that appointment behind me. Plus I know I had a lot of great support which I have not always had in the past, so it really helped me to push through it. (Thanks! everyone!)

Back on drugs

Went to the doctor today and he suggested I get back on anti-depressants. Okay. I know I need them. I realize that I can't get past the depression and anxiety without it. It isn't my fault or anything I can just switch on and off, or control by willpower. Why it took me so long to admit it? I don't know, it is just part of the depression and anxiety really.

Sooooo hopefully in 2 to 4 weeks, I will be feeling a lot better.

Until then.... just hanging in and trying to get by each day.

On a positive note, Goofball came over today and fixed my dishwasher!!!! Wooohooo. So to him, thanks, sweetie! You rock.

Something weird....

I have started putting pennies all around my office space. I work in a cube so I was going to say desk but....

I just kind of realized I have been doing it too. Today was definitely on purpose! I stuck about 8 in my pen holder. There are some that have lived in the little groove of a file hanging system on my desk. There are more in a little desk organizer behind me and then in several of my drawers are pennies.

I guess the really weird part is I was thinking, what if I change jobs (or get fired for blogging at work), and someone comes into my desk and finds all these pennies, what might they think?

So of course then I am just laughing at myself for thinking what this person's reaction might be. Seriously though, they are everywhere.... and now it is going to become a game with me! Yeah, I'm weird like that, I just don't let everyone see it!

Where do they all go?

So I have noticed lately that all my plastic food storage containers have gone missing, and really not all of them, just the lid or just the container. I either have one or the other but in very few cases do I have both!

What’s up with that?

It is a mystery for sure, like where the missing socks are, or what happened to the dinosaurs, or what’s that thing in the night sky?

I know not too long ago I had almost every single one. I know this because my oldest niece went through my cabinet and matched everything! There were a few that didn’t have a mate but most all of them did. Now just the opposite is true.

This is not good because I have to make some really big changes in my life; most specifically in what I and the kids eat. I know it and have known it for a long time…. And really it takes a lot of organization for me to do this and stick to it. Hence the need for the storage containers (as well as baggies and well a whole list of things)

I want to and have to start taking my lunch to work (like I did today). I need to cut up veggies and fruit to make them more readily available and need to be able to pack these items easily. I also need to get something to carry drinks with me. I guess I could just buy bottled water but (and this is not a bad thing exactly) the kids just plow through the water bottles so sometimes we run out long before I can go buy more. The rule will be that bottles only when taking drinks out of the house. Water in the house can come from filtered water into a cup! (Yes I need to explain in that much detail to them!)

Why the sudden need to eat better? I have always been a bit of a slacker here. Trying to save myself some frustration, time and energy; however, I am going to the doctor next week and I know I will need to make these changes in order to fix what is wrong. I have not felt right for a while, and I’m pretty sure it is food and weight related (like totally duh! Right?) It is also probably stress, lifestyle and depression/anxiety related. I am just hoping that this is it; that this is all that is wrong…. These are easier fixes!

So I am taking small steps now to get to the goal I want (happy and healthy and feeling good). So far I have almost completely eliminated sodas which are my biggest problem and I have almost completely cut those out. I had one today but I haven’t had one in ….. well just less than a week but it was several days in a row without and then before that slip it was several days in a row…. The one I had today I only took a few sips before I realized, I just don’t like this anymore! That is huge!

Anyway, this is not a resolution because of the New Year. It is just a realization that my health is in jeopardy right now and I do not want my ex to get the kids!

So now, I just need to make a shopping trip to get more storage containers! Oh and a few other things but organization is going to be huge in getting this to work and stick.

My new pet

Margaret got a pet so I copied her! Isn't my pet cute.

adopt your own virtual pet!

What I did today!

I had the best time today. I went to Mama Drama Con Queso II. It rocked! I meet a lot of new people and a lot of folks that I knew. Many people I definitely want to get together with again.

I get really lonely for people to hang with which sounds so pathetic but hey isn't that why I am doing all this online stuff. Right?

So anyway this is a shout out to all those that attended! Leave me some love to let me know you were here.

See ya at the next one (or sooner!)

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I was not doing okay. I was depressed. I have suffered for so long with it (off and on) that I know when.... Really need to go on meds..... Also I know when I just must have a therapist and thankfully I have been talking with a great one! Which reminds me... I need to make my next appt.

But, anyway, I got a good night's sleep and it feels better today.

I think my problem was this. I was depressed and when I get like that, I withdraw. So I think in some ways that is what I was doing with the kids or feeling.

Plus someone said to me that my kids were with my ex in a more "normal" family life situation. He has his girlfriend and they live together. So they have kind of a whole family thing going on out there and maybe I am just jealous.

Other things that people have told me are that I haven't had my "hatred" spell with my ex. I agree with that to a point but then our marriage was over long before it actually ended so I really think I had gone through all that long before. And, while I do have bad feelings towards him, I think that at this point, it is normal feelings.

Sooooo anyway, I am feeling so much better today. So, so, so much better!

Just like a baby bird.....

This may sound like I am a bad mom. That is a chance I am willing to take. I just have to purge this from my mind, get it out and hope that one person, just one tells me this is okay, that this is normal or at least I am not a bad person for thinking this. Plus I know when I get the bad out, I feel better. If you have something negative to say, I do not want to hear it. This is not that type of post, this is not that type of situation nor is it wanted on this blog.

I know I was so happy and excited to have my babies back, but something seems to have overshadowed my joy.

I am not sure if it is depression or just me being crazy or both.

Basically today I realized that I felt weird, different towards them. I have been thinking about it all day. I was feeling like they weren't real or weren't mine or were just strangers in my house. Or maybe I am the stranger. I do not know.

I have never felt like this before. Does it have to do with the new girlfriend? Or is just something else? Like my very negative feelings I have for my ex. I resent him so much. Each time the kids are with him I just hate him more, and I do mean hate him.

I have spells when I am depressed so I continue to wonder if it just one of those moments.

I want to feel happy, connected and loving towards my kids. I really do and in many ways I still do.

This evening I am feeling a bit better and hugged them a lot. Tried to really be connected, or is it reconnected?

I am just hoping it is depression because I can't deal with feeling this way each time they come/go to their dad's. Depression seems to be just part of my life.....

EDIT: I do not mean this to sound like I don't want them or that I don't love them. I do want them and I do love them more than anything! It is just they seem different a little bit. And also I am feeling much better. I just needed it out!

Back to life, back to reality

With the holidays behind us and the new year ahead, we are getting back in the swing of things. The kids didn't have school today but do tomorrow. I worked for half the day today. It was nice to ease back into things.

Now we are all just kicked back, chatting and watching some tv together.

I am looking forward to this year. We have plans. We are actually going to take a vacation. This will be the first time I will be taking the kids on vacation alone! Well I guess that isn't completely true. When we lived in Fargo I did drive home with the three kids alone but it shouldn't really count because we stayed with my parents.

So our vacation is to go back to Pensacola where K and H were born and where I lived for nearly 4 years while in the Navy. I can't wait! I need to start planning it out. I'm so excited.

We are also planning to get all the grandkids together. Between my brothers and I, we have 9 children. We have had 8 of them together but my youngest bro has a new baby. The plan is for us all to travel either to Colorado where my youngest bro lives or meeting somewhere between here and there.

Also hoping to make some changes to the summer schedule for the kiddos. K and L both have summer bdays and they want to spend it with me this year. So not sure yet how that will play out.

Some other things are a new car, some new living room furniture and maybe a new dog.

So that is it in a really quick update on things with us!