Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Just like a baby bird.....

This may sound like I am a bad mom. That is a chance I am willing to take. I just have to purge this from my mind, get it out and hope that one person, just one tells me this is okay, that this is normal or at least I am not a bad person for thinking this. Plus I know when I get the bad out, I feel better. If you have something negative to say, I do not want to hear it. This is not that type of post, this is not that type of situation nor is it wanted on this blog.

I know I was so happy and excited to have my babies back, but something seems to have overshadowed my joy.

I am not sure if it is depression or just me being crazy or both.

Basically today I realized that I felt weird, different towards them. I have been thinking about it all day. I was feeling like they weren't real or weren't mine or were just strangers in my house. Or maybe I am the stranger. I do not know.

I have never felt like this before. Does it have to do with the new girlfriend? Or is just something else? Like my very negative feelings I have for my ex. I resent him so much. Each time the kids are with him I just hate him more, and I do mean hate him.

I have spells when I am depressed so I continue to wonder if it just one of those moments.

I want to feel happy, connected and loving towards my kids. I really do and in many ways I still do.

This evening I am feeling a bit better and hugged them a lot. Tried to really be connected, or is it reconnected?

I am just hoping it is depression because I can't deal with feeling this way each time they come/go to their dad's. Depression seems to be just part of my life.....

EDIT: I do not mean this to sound like I don't want them or that I don't love them. I do want them and I do love them more than anything! It is just they seem different a little bit. And also I am feeling much better. I just needed it out!


BeautifulDisaster said...

It sounds to me like you might be depressed. That in no way means you are not a good parent. I don't know if you've seen a therapist, but speaking personally it worked wonders in helping me work through all of my wacky emotions related to kids, ex, divorce, remarriage, stepmom, etc. Just understanding why we feel the way we do can work wonders in our ability to deal with our feelings and not just deny that they exist. Just my two cents! Hang in there chicky!

DizzyMom said...

You definitely should ask your therapist about depression meds and go see your regular doctor. And if you don't have one, go see one now. Ask on the phone if she or he will spend an hour and really talk it through, help refer you or redirect you to the right resources. That gets physical out of the way. I have not been reading long, so I don't know your details, but, dude, we all sometimes feel awful when they leave AND when they come back AND it's just plain weird and scary and awful. My sons' second birthday was the first birthday I went without him and his dad picked him up within 15 minutes of the moment of his birth (two years earlier, granted) and then had his first double overnight with him ever and I literally was curled on the floor in front of the door for hours. And my doctor said that I didn't need meds. That was just wow-that-stinks-event-appropriate-sadness. Because it's sad. And it's hard. NOT bad, NOT impossible. But a battle. A battle you can win for your kids and for yourself. Hang in there and fight hard. You can be so happy as a single mom (even when you're single and your ex is playing family man with the kids), I promise promise promise.

Hannah Banana said...

I am a single mama of three and wanted to tell you that I have experinced the same thing. Mine is not depression but disconnection. I practiced attachment parenting, was a stay at home mom, breastfed till two years. But, when my kids started leaving me, I had to let them go- something were not supposed to have to do until our children are 18ish. And I HAD to let them go. I think we disconnect to protect ourselves. It is, three years later, still physically painful when if I let myself think about my children being way too far away from me (they are in the same city, but anywhere but with me is too far away!). Anyway, I hope that helps.

TxGambit said...

Great advice everyone!!!!

Hannah Banana, You said just what I needed to hear. I was just feeling a bit disconnected! I just could not communicate that at all. It just took a little bit of time and we are back in business.

Thanks all!

Karen said...

It sounds to me more that you're allowing them to grow up and standing back a bit, that's all. I know you love your children more than the world - heck you wouldn't have upped sticks with them and took it on single-handedly if you didn't. There will come a time when you have to move right back and watch them from afar and with the ages they're getting to, I wonder if it's nature's way of preparing you for letting them flee the nest. I suppose it comes to different parents at diffrent times, but like you say, you're on your own with them, so it's kind of like a mental break from the continuous latching on of being a parent.