Ah the smell of play-doh

Today I bought a 24 pack of play-doh. It was on sale for $7.99, which really isn't a huge, huge savings since originally it is $9.99. However, it was enough for me to say, "hell yeah, let's splurge" Plus mom felt the need to get high on the doughy smell! Ah, just like Kindergarten.

So we spent an hour or so playing with it. Twisting, cutting, rolling, and shaping it..... but the favorite was poop. Nice. K was playing with the brown and decided this would be a fun game. L, being 4 and 1/2!, didn't totally get it because before long all the colors were poop!

Being 12, almost 13 almost 30, she thought making poop was funny but didn't like that I told her to pick up the play-doh boogers. Ya know the little crumbly pieces that fall off the play-doh and are left on the table. She kept telling me to call it something else. "Okay, sweetie, but poop is okay, right? Just gotta get what is acceptable and what isn't down." She also doesn't like my singing or dancing. Sheesh, I just can't have any fun!

Well gotta go enjoy the last of my play-doh buzz.

My kids are smarter than me.

I used to have back up. Kind of a tag team thing. I did most of the parenting but when I got frustrated I would tag in Dad, and when he was actually at home and not in front of the TV, he would tag me in as necessary. But, now its just me.

My kids are getting smarter than me. Its scary. I keep trying to be firm and well the mom but they are starting to figure out that they out number me. I think they are forming a union. They have figured out that if they stick together and make enough noise, I usually get overstimulated and end up in the bottom of my closet in fetal position, rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb, humming rock-a-bye baby. Okay maybe not that bad but I usually get very frustrated and just unload the dishwasher myself.


Not good. But, really to save my sanity, I just do it. What am I teaching them? Gang up and you win? Seriously not good. And I know it. But, like I said, I'm not as smart as them!

With two nearly teens and very alert, sponge-like 4 year old, whoops 4 1/2 years old.... can't forget the 1/2, I must get a little smarter and I really need to get a good system down or I will be wearing an "I love me" jacket before ya know it and this blog will be written by voice-recognition software.

Quote of the Day

Success is not measured in how hard you can work, but how long you can work hard.

Lifelong Learner

I am a lifelong learner. If you don’t know what that means then maybe you should go back to school! Okay just kidding! But, I actually took a class called “Skills for Lifelong Learning” but not just one class, oh no. There were two classes part 1 and 2.

What classifies a Lifelong Learner? From my classes (I got an A in each, thank you), it is just about being open to learning, willingness to learn new things and to just always seek opportunities to learn.

This is me to a T. I am very open to opportunities to learn, never pass a chance to learn something new. I think I’m curious but I wouldn’t say nosy because to me that is a snoop. I don’t like snooping because you usually have a reason to be doing it and then you usually find something you DON’T want to know. Curiosity is, in my opinion, healthy. If I don’t know something, I research it. I research a lot of things because I don’t know a lot of things.

There are just things I haven’t experienced, things I may never experience but I still want to know about them. I am a very caring, sympathetic person and open-minded. I feel like all of these help me to “put myself in your shoes” so to speak. If you have read my past blogs though, you know I don’t really care for that turn but basically just trying to see things from another’s point of view.

Some things I would like to learn are photography. Okay I know HOW to take a picture but I would really like to know more about it, more about cameras, more about angles and different lens and how to manipulate pictures and using different lighting. I want to know more about how to do home repairs and remodeling and landscaping and just all kinds of things that they do on HGtv and DIY and all those home improvements shows/channels. I want to know more History. I love history… .Especially (can you guess?)…. Texas History. I want to know more Science, more Zoology, and more Biology. I want to know about illnesses, why do people not want to donate their organs? My Aunt is only here to day because of her “previously owner” liver! But, that is another blog story all together. There are so many jobs I would love to do because I want to know HOW to do them! Real Estate is one job I would love to get into but I just don’t have the time to do it now. I would love to go to culinary school but at this point it seems a waste because why spend all that money when I really don’t want to be a chef. Just want to know more about how to cook.

I could really go on and on. I really want to know everything there is to learn, except maybe Math. I really could do without anything Math related or at least the really tough stuff which would be anything I can’t do with a very simple calculator!

So I want to challenge all the readers of this blog to learn something new today. Anything. Just Google something. Read a new word in the dictionary. Open a book that you haven’t opened before.

Just be a Lifelong Learner!

Me – A contradiction Part 1

So the other day I posted about not liking people. Then while driving to work the next day, I got to thinking about what I had written and jobs I have had/those I want.

Most all of my jobs have been customer service related. I love this. I mean during my “downtime” I want to have peace and be away from people, at work I thrive on this. I want to work with people, help them and talk to them. I just don’t want to be stuck in a crowded room or elevator with them.

I’m good at this type of job too. I have been told that I’m a good listener, show caring and urgency as well as multi-tasking and just so many more things that fall under customer service skills.

Currently I work in Human Resources. I have worked in HR before and love it! Love my current job and if I could just stay in a HR role forever, I would be a happy duck.

I mention this because I think I am just one big, huge contradiction. This is just one of many things. So if you want to keep track, I don’t like people during my downtime but I love people when I’m working, even the stupid ones (because sometimes I get to unstupid them)

Quote of the Day

We don't see things as they are.
We see things as we are.

Life is a Highway....

I have that restless feeling, deep down. I need a break from life, from reality and what I need to do is get away….. FAST! I need a fast car, a tank of gas, a bunch of CDs full of my favorite songs and an open road.

The only one of these things I have right now is the music.

My car is not a car but a 1995 Chevy Suburban. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I call it the “Tank” or the “Big Green Monster”…. It was bought for my Ex to have a car when he took a new job with his company and would no longer have a company car. But, in the divorce, I got the one without a payment and he got my beautiful Lincoln Navigator. It was big but it drove amazingly! It was a great, almost better than sex feeling to drive it. Six disk changer, great sound, sun roof….. It drove like I drive. Make sense? No? The way it handled fit my driving style.

The Tank doesn’t have a full tank of gas either. I had $10 to spare for gas this morning. So it got 5 gallons. I’m so glad tomorrow is pay day! But, I can say I survived a really bad financial …. Well I was going to say week but really month! February has got to be better, right?

Open road is missing too. This is Houston. There are millions of people here and of course traffic. Now yesterday talking to the Ex, I was stuck in traffic and I said something about traffic. He, by the way, hates Houston. He said, “I’m glad you are actually saying something bad about the traffic in Houston. I didn’t think you knew it existed.” Or something like that. I said, “Umm, hello. Of course there is traffic. Who really likes it? But, I can still like Houston but not the traffic. Duh!”

So I should rent a Ford Mustang, fill it up, grab all my CDs (or maybe burn a few new ones) and head out West. I love everything Texas but especially San Antonio, Austin, San Marcos, New Braunfels and really just anything West of Houston or the Texas Hill Country.

I just want to go and not have a destination or a plan. I don’t want to have a set amount of time I will be gone…. Just come back when I feel better. If that is a few hours or a few days.

Sigh…. For now it is a day dream. Maybe this summer while the kids are with dad, I can make part of this come true. I don’t know about the fast car, it might be the tank and there will be no open road until I get heading out of Houston but until then I will have to ignore the call of the highway, the Hill Country and my restless soul.

I don't like people

Okay not really... but I really don't like crowds. But, seriously, on Sunday I was "kidnapped" by Goofball and while out we ran up to the local fast food place, Sonic for those of you that know and those that don't, check this out....THIS..... so he parked away from other cars and said, "Because you don't seem to like to be around other people." No, No I don't!

I don't know when or why or how this started but I hate to be around a lot of other people, some yeah, and really there is no set number, it is about the moment. Sometimes 100 people is just fine but 101 could be too many, other times 1 person is too many. I like my space.... a lot of space! As much space as I can get in fact! (except when am I around Goofball, then there better not be a lot of personal space....) I was thinking about this today on the elevator when there were way toooo many people in it and I was squashed all the way in the back. As soon as it got to my floor, I darted out! Didn't even look back to see what had happened to my two co-workers that were left inside. Were they squashed by the 8 large guys that piled on two floors before? I didn't know, didn't care because I was out of there! They came off fine and laughing at me.

Anyway, I was reading this book about being an Introvert. It explains that as an Introvert, I need to be alone to recharge and being around other people can wear me out. True! Oh so true!

But, I also think most people are stupid. They are rude, don't realize there are other people on the planet aside from them and theirs.

Would it kill people to smile? Open or hold the door for someone carrying a baby or child? Yield to pedestrians? Not yak it up in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store and when you say "excuse me." they would politely move, not just ignore you or worse give YOU a dirty look!

I could go on and on but I will just step off my soap box and exit now.

Happy Birthday H-man

To my first son,

H-man, you were born 11 years ago today, 8 days late but better late than never! You were a surprise from day one, and I just knew you were going to be a boy. I wished and wished. And, your daddy wanted a boy so bad too. You see he was the last to carry on his last name. Then there was you. But it was more than that. You see, today is a special day because it was also the day your great-grandfather was born. You share the same name. He was someone very special to your dad but died long before you or I knew your daddy. Still it was a special thing to have you born on that day.

The first day I met you, I was in love. You were so much bigger than your sister was at birth and you looked so much like I did when I was born. While you were in the nursery, the doctor came to talk to me. You had a problem with your heart. They said it was common but just watch you very closely. I was so worried that maybe I had done something wrong while I was pregnant with you. I quickly learned that was not the case. For the next 4 months or so we took you to the doctor just about every week. Thankfully sometime around 4 months you were fine. The problem with your heart was gone.

Of course, after your sister we were spoiled because she was such an easy baby. You were quite the opposite and still prove to be a true handful today(as is your baby brother). You were far needier and wanting to be fed all the time. I didn't mind but my body did so I switched you to formula but you were so sick from the formula, just like your sister was . We finally found one, different than what she had, that didn't make you sick. I was so glad!

Shortly after you were 5 months old, no heart problem good on formula and eating baby foods, we moved to Virginia and then the ear infections and colds started. At 18 months, you had tubes put in your ears to held with the ear infections. It still didn't help. This would be a constant problem until you were 3 years old. It was around this time you had hand surgery for what was called a trigger thumb. Basically you couldn't bend your thumb anymore. Sometimes during all this you had 3 weeks worth of chicken pox. But, (knock on wood) you have been fairly healthy since. Only one ear infections and a few colds.

After having a girl, having a boy was a really adventure. I didn't really know how much toilet paper was on a roll. I didn't know how fast a toddler could climb a book case. You used to love to jump from the highest points of the house. The back of the couch, the counters, the stairs. You had no fear. I never heard a baby laugh quite so hard or feel my heart grow quite the way it did with you.

You got teeth really early and I just loved that little toothy grin.... and then when you knocked out your front 6 teeth (yes 6), I loved that toothless grin..... I thought for sure you would play hockey!

and, once I thought I had lost you forever. You disappeared for almost 2 hours and I had to get the police to help find you. I thought I had lost my baby. But, thankfully you were found unharmed and had no idea you were "missing".

You take after my grandfather so much. Early to bed, early to rise. Restless, has to be moving and when it is time to go, nothing will hold you back. You make me laugh, you make me cry.... and....whatever you do and wherever you go, I will love you. I think I love you more each day. I am just thankful to know you. You are very special but I don't think any of us know just how yet.

Happy Birthday, baby.

Actions speak louder than words

I have always subscribed to this thinking. Not just in dating but in all relationships. My family, my friends and with boyfriends, it doesn't matter. If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they will show you through their actions. However, I am going to speak of this in the dating sense of it....

I often think of this book. It is called, "He's just not that into you: The no-excuses truth to understanding guys." by Greg Berherndt and Liz Tuccillo. I read it long before I was back in the "dating game." But, it was at a point I knew that I was going to end it and I was "getting ready" to enter that dating world again.

Basically what I got from the book is if someone wants to have a relationship with you, they are going to make the effort. If they want to talk to you, they will call, email you and just in general let you know they are thinking of you. They are never too busy. Well call just for a few minutes to say "Hi." and then basically everything I said in this blog entry right..... HERE!

Recently, I was discussing guys with Esmerelda over at Soon to be just me. I told her it sounds like "He's just not that into you." Which first of all makes him an idiot and he needs to be hit with a clue x 4. Because she does seem awesome, cool and fun! Wish I could go out and have a drink with her. She is my long lost sister or at least we were made from the same mold. Either way, I think she deserves to find someone (when the time is right) that is truly into her and gets her! But, I wish her all the fun in the search.

My question is this, what if someone is showing you all these signs that they are into you, yet still keeping you at arms length with their words? What do you believe? I know, it does seem a bit confusing huh?!

My only advise is to sit back and enjoy it, be patient and hope that one way or the other the actions and words will soon match.

Our First Junior High Party

And, I can see the future and it means I am never, ever, never EVER leaving these kids home if I go out of town!

We will be known as the party house.

Anyway, last night K and her BFF V threw a party in honor of their other friend T's bday. I think it was more of an excuse to have a party but whatever.

There were about 15-19 kids here. Wow! It was a bit crazy. You could see all the still kid traits/learning to be an adult in them. They were all flirty with each other but at the same time doing silly things like playing with lightsabers or playing kick ball. The girls would chase the boys. The boys would try to act cool. The girls would huddle around in whispering circles or would be dancing to the VERY loud music (yep, I must be getting old).

It was fun. K has been getting calls all day from other kids that didn't make it. "How was it?".... "The best party ever!"..... and taking other calls from kids that did come..... "That was so much fun!" "yeah!"

I see the future and it is scary...... and fun!

Holding it together

Who I am: Single mom who of course works and then I do go to school, and I have three kids. The ex lives over 4 hours away. I do get help sometimes from my family but I don't ask as much as maybe I should......

I belong to a group of mom's who are just the most amazing people I know! They have been nothing but supportive, understanding and just some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I have known them 5 years now. Catch is they are all online and while I have meet a good number of them in person, there are still those I just haven't. Why is this important? Well I'll tell ya.....

Recently I posted a message on our group's board about being in my last classs. I am so close! Someone replied with a statement.... "I just don't know how you have held it together." (meaning for 4 yrs, two cross countries moves, going through and getting the divorce and being a single mom.... all while going to school).

My reply was, "I hold it together with Superman band-aids."

But, it really got me thinking. I didn't think I did anything amazing or for people to respond the way they did. So much praise and "you are amazing." Am I??

I actually held it together very poorly. I almost quit so many times. I almost quit my whole life more times than I really would like to admit. But, I'm not a quitter. I don't give up easily if ever. I can admit defeat, I guess.... but it depends the battle.... So anyway, I just do what I do because I have to. It is my job. I made a commentment to my children the day I first knew they were coming (Nov 7, 1993, June 3 1995, Nov 4, 2001), that I would always do the very best I could for them. I would never give up. I would do everything I could for them if it meant putting me second. They are the only ones in the world (aside from my parents and brothers) that I would put first over me.

So how do I really hold it together? By looking at them and knowing I have no choice because they are counting on me.

Day Dreaming

I have started reading a book, okay I started it months ago and haven't picked it up since, called Stumbling on to Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. From what I have read so far, part of being happy is our ability to day dream and to anticipate things/events. This is what our brains do, basically.

So that's great because I day dream a lot!!!!! I must be really happy.

Anyway, I have been stuck in a lot of traffic lately. I think the number of cars on the road has doubled since pre-holiday to post-holiday. Why? I don't know. Maybe Santa brought everyone new cars and so there are less car-poolers.

Back to point, I got to thinking about where I live and where I would like to live. I live in one of the largest cities in the United States. It is huge! I will say of all the places I have lived (Texas, Florida, Virginia and North Dakota), this is the biggest and most spread out. I have also been to 26 states and have driven to or through most of those. I have driven from Virginia to Texas to North Dakota (not all at once but that is kind of the U shape of places I have been)..... I have been to Maryland down the East Coast to Florida (of course) as far west as New Mexico all the states up to Montana over to Minnesota.... Let me just list them really quick its probably easier.


Maryland
Virginia
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Florida
Alabama
Mississippi
Louisiana
Texas
New Mexico
Colorado
Wyoming
Montana
North Dakota
South Dakota
Nebraska
Kansas
Oklahoma
Arkansas
Missouri
Iowa
Minnesota
Illinois
Tennessee
And finally Hawaii


But of all these places I have been, where would I live? The Texas Hill Country. Now as much as I have travelled outside of Texas, I grew up here in Texas.... Love it! As a kid we didn't have a lot of money to take family vacations to Disney or the Grand Canyon. Nope, we did a lot of day trips or overnight trips all around Texas. See we have roots here. My great (5x) grandfather fought with Sam Houston during the fight for Texas' Independence from Mexico. The Declaration was actually signed on my Birthday which I used to think was really cool!

Where would I live in the Hill Country? I would love to have a ranch (maybe not a working ranch) between Austin and San Antonio. I have always loved that area and I was there last year for my Birthday. I want a house that just looks like it belongs there. Not really log cabin and not spanish style.... but something in-between. I want to wake up in the mornings and not hear the highway (I can hear one in my current house).... I want to be able to grab my morning drink and head out to the porch and just watch the day wake up. I want birds and wild animals to be my neighbors. I don't want to be woke up by my neighbors barking dog or the other ones' loud music or the one across the street working on his car. I also want some kind of water.... Pond, lake, creek, river.... something near by. I love the water. I want to go fishing. I want to go hiking. I want to do something besides sit in traffic all day.

Anywho, that is my day dream of late and I know I would never live again outside of Texas (I hate to say never, if the offer was just right, maybe but it would have to be damn good!). I wanted to just share a bit more of myself, not to mention sitting in traffic for an hour in the morning and in the evening tends to make a person have a lot of thoughts..... I need to get them out so I can have new ones!

Is this weird?

I think it is a little weird but hey its not something people talk about so maybe it is more normal than I think it is.

I associate people to smells. Is that weird? Each of my kids have a different smell. My grandfather will always be the smell of radio equipment and tools. My grandmother's perfume.

So sometimes I might have a trigger, like I will smell that scent or see a picture even, and I can almost smell that person.

But, it isn't just people. Summer has a smell, winter. Everything.

So there it is.

Quote for the day

The best things in life are unseen, thats why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream!

Last Class!

So tomorrow I will get to start my last class! I cannot wait. It is cultural diversity which is a topic that I love!

On the first day of class, we are always asked to share our bio. I'm so excited to finally post my last and final bio! I thought I would share mine with you now. Of course I changed the names to protect the innocent. Ha.

Enjoy!!

---------------------------------------------------------

Hello. My name is EJ, I’m a single mom to three children, K 12, H is 10 and L is 4. I also have 2 fur babies, Zoë and Sebastian who are ragdoll cats.

I grew up just south of Houston, TX. After high school, I went to a local junior college. However, in 1992, after only one year, I needed a change, so I joined the US Navy. I was stationed near Pensacola, Fl at a helicopter training squadron. This is where I had my first two kids. Then we were transferred to Norfolk, VA where I worked for NATO. I served 8 years total before returning to my hometown with my new family.

In 2002, shortly after returning from maternity leave, I was laid off. I was able to find a job rather quickly but the pay cut was huge though I took the job, we could no longer afford for me to work due to the expense of day care. So in May 2003, I left my job after 10 months with the thought of staying home being temporary until I could get a higher paying job. Shortly after my then husband applied for and was offered a job, he couldn't refuse in Fargo, ND. We packed and were moved in 3 weeks. We lived there for 2 years. But, Summer 2005, I decided to move back to Houston with the kids. Now we have been back in Houston for just over a year. Hurray!

For work, I'm a HR Assistant for an Oil and Gas Company. We stay very busy as you could imagine! We just finished are Fall college recruiting and are just gearing up for our Spring recruiting.

This is my 36th and last class towards my Business Management degree. What jump started me to get back to school was my layoff and looking for a new job was just disappointing. I would like to work at a higher level and feel that my experience needs an education to back it up.


When I am not reading for school, I love to read just about anything I can get my hands on. I also love spending time with my kids and watching Animal Planet. I also love baseball and NASCAR.

Work Stuff

If you don't know, I have been working a temp job since mid-June. This was after a kinda bad year of getting turned down (for permanent positions) and used as a temp at other places.

Well since the start of this, the plan has been for them to turn it into a full-time, permanent position.

Today I found a position that I would like to apply for with the company (a different part, its a big, big company). I talked to one of my co-workers about it and she said I should apply and not wait. Well then another co-worker mentioned that the job might be available very soon. Turns out he is pushing hard for me to get the job. We didn't get time to finish talking about it so we are talking about it more tomorrow. I'm also going to talk to him about this other position.

So it looks like I am going to start the job hunt. Time dust off the ole resume and update it. I am down to one class before I will get my degree. I am so excited! This is going to help.

Three in one day

I had to write another blog entry for today because I noticed that I had 13 for January. I can't have the number 13 or its bad luck.

Yes, yes I'm superstitious. Of course I am! I can't have 13 on my radio dial for the volume nor the Television. When on message boards, I try not to be the 13 person to post. If I see one with 13, I will post something to it.

So I noticed 13 for January so just had to post one more to make 14 for the month of Jan.

Thanks for humoring me!

Me in the mirror

I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "What do others see when they look at me?"

Now I don't think I'm super-model pretty, heck I have nowhere near the body for it. In fact three kids and a lot of emotional eating, my body is just plain a mess. I do, however, think I’m cute. Love my hair most of the time.

Anywho, what do I see when I look in the mirror? A mom first. I love this job. I love being a mom. A good mom, not great but good. Her kids look up to her and think she is funny. She would do anything for them, anything in the world.

Next, there is the daughter. This role she has played since birth and its kind of weird because though she is nearly 34 years old, she often still just feels like that little girl. Sometimes she wants her mom, sometimes her dad. And, because she is a daughter, she just happens to be a sister too. She loves her brothers so much. And because of this, she is an aunt too. She has 3 nephews (soon to be 4) and 2 nieces. She is a granddaughter, a niece and a cousin. I'm sure all these people look at me different too.

She is a friend. She doesn't really know what her friends think of her but she has been told she is a good listener and a good friend. Most of them know she is there for them in a heartbeat.

Then there is the girl she has always been. She likes to laugh, is kind of funny and is a bit goofy. Generous almost to a fault. Caring and takes on other's problems as her own. Often putting other's feelings and needs above her own. Good in a crisis, bad after the crisis. Loves animals and children. Loves music and art, though she can't do either. Tries to find good in every situation, and tries to keep her humor even when stressed. Sometimes she seems more stressed than she feels but I think that is because it can be pushed out rather than being kept inside.

And really there is so much more. But, no one knows her as well as she knows herself….

Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and say, "I love you more than anyone else loves you." Then send a kiss to the mirror me. Smile and try to make the best of yet another wonderful day.

More dating stuff....

Over the years I have dated many different guys. Most of these of course were pre-marriage and now a few post-marriage. In these different relationships, I have played many different roles. Clingy girl, stalker girl, clingy-stalker girl, fun girl, the best friend girl.... etc....

But one thing that I do try to stick to (except for 2x in my life) is that I am loyal to the man I'm with. Whether we have said "exclusive" or not. I do not like to be with more than one at a time. Period.

So I have been dating goofball for about 5-ish months, talking for 7. If you don't know the story, we meet online.... here.... That was back in June. We chatted mostly via email and then met up in August. We have seen each other a few times a month since and still chat via email (daily), IM (at least once a week) and phone when we can.

Well I saw him this past Friday. We had a good time. But, when it comes time to say good-bye, I hate it because I don't know when I will see him again. Though I know I will see him again but sometimes a lot of time goes by between "meet-ups." Why do I get bummed out? There are so many reasons but I guess the main one is that since most of our communication is email and while this can be a good way to share personal things, be goofy and share daily tidbits of our lifes. We don't get those mannerisms, body language, and tone that you get in person. So it just kind of bums me out because here is this guy I like a lot that seems like an amazing guy but it is almost like when we do get together, it is almost like we don't know each other as well... Weird, but true. Anyway due to life circumstances this is just the way it is. Fine but.... I just really enjoy when we get to spend time together and miss him in between. So sue me!

Anyway, on Friday as we were getting to the good-bye part of the day, I said, "I hate the good-bye part.".... which lead to a conversation that just makes me almost sick to my stomach to think about. While I consider us friends, I am also not ready to walk away from him and be without him in my life... Not yet. I do not want to find or look for some one else to be with right now. Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. His reply to me was(paraphrased here) to not wait for him, to not pass up someone else and he hopes that I'm still out dating. Hell no! I got really sad at this point. I just want to be with him whatever that is.... and once it ends, I will decide how and when I will move on.

He said he just doesn't want to hurt me. That's fine, hell I don't want to be hurt but let me worry about getting hurt. That is all life and love and relationships and everything is anyway, isn't it? A gamble, a leap of faith. Take a risk or sit on the bleachers watching the world go by, missing out. Which would I choose? I choose to live, take a risk.

Moving on from my marriage was easy. It was time for that to end. But if he tells me that he doesn't want to continue this.... Well I know it will be a while before I jump back into dating again. But, I will just walk away with a smile and a thanks for the good times, memories and just for being my friend.

Random Friday

Today was my Friday off! Hurray. Have I mentioned lately that I love my job?! No? Well I do. Love the every other Friday off thing for sure.

So what did I do today? Went for the annual (well it has actually been longer than annual) PAP Smear. Lovely. Actually I think these appts get shortly each time. About the time I realized she was in, it was over. Ha! Getting on new birth control. I have tried pills, I have tried the depo provera shot but I do not do well with hormones.... So what did I choose? This.... I'm pretty excited about this. Now I just have to wait to find out how much insurance will cover and gotta wait for the pap results. But if all is good come Feb 2nd I will be getting it. Coooool.

Then let's see... Saw Goofball. Went to the Galleria. It was fun but we didn't see any stores we were interested in but still fun! I did see a ton of shoes I wanted but that is neither here nor there.... Then did lunch and just some hanging out time. It was really nice. Unfortunely, I don't know when we will get together again. Its great when we hang out.... He makes me laugh! And I like when he kisses me. Ummm, nice! Anyway, I think I can be patient enough to wait until possibly Feb 16th to see him again. If not, well there really isn't much I can do about it! Ha...

And, then took Lil' L to his first speech therapy session. He was accepted to attend through the elementary school that he will be going to in the Fall (Yikes!). He did good. Well about what I thought he would for the first time. He talked a little, tried a few of the exercises but mostly he just listened and watched. There is another PreKer in there with him. She is just a doll! Anyway, I'm excited about this for him. He will get a good start on getting to know the school before Kindergarten so hopefully the change won't be so big come Fall. And, he is getting help for his speech problem. It is a lot more mild than Big H's. H has been in speech for about 4 years now with some improvement but still has a lot to go.

Finally, I just took Big H over to a friend's house. K is waiting for a friend to come spend the night. I'm sooooo glad that she is having a different friend over. I feel like she is always just hanging with one girl and she needs to branch out a bit.

Minor set back with school

So today I was suppose to start my last class. Well mix up, mess up, craziness.... I can't start this week.

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I am completely crushed.

But, it will be okay. I just need to come up with the tuition money that I don't have but might have had if they would have told me before today!!! So now I have to figure that out and once I can pay them, I can start again. (Scream).

And, this brings me to the often mentioned topic of "something I miss".... While I can tell myself all day long, "it will be okay, this really isn't a big deal," blah, blah, blah..... I want someone else to tell me and not just someone else, but a boyfriend or a husband type...... neither of which I have at this time. Well I have someone who I would love to lean on right now but we aren't an official couple, just friends which is fine but still..... And, anway, I am saying this as something I miss now as a "single" not a "couple." I want someone who will just tell me all the things I could tell myself. I want that hero person that wants to make everything okay. Strong arms, heartbeat, warmth, just that feel of a man who loves you holding you making all the bad go away if only for that moment!..... Ya know what I'm talking about ladies, don't ya?

My ex was never good with the crying and that's good because I don't really do it often but when I do, its serious and I need serious comfort.

Today is that day.

I want that!

I found this on the web. I WANT THIS!!!!!!! This is exactly what I am looking for..... Someone to be my hero, to spoil me and make me feel like I'm the most important, special person.

-----------------------------------------

The smallest action can have the biggest impact in someone's life.

Give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in.
Leave her cute text messages.
Kiss her in front of your friends.
Trust her over everyone else.
Tell her she looks beautiful.
Look her in the eye when you talk to her.
Let her mess with your hair.
Mess with her hair.
Just walk around with her.
Forgive her for her mistakes.
Look at her as if she's the only girl you see.
Tickle her even when she says stop.
Hold her hand even when you are around your friends.
When she starts swearing at you tell her you love her.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Get her mad, and then kiss her.
Tease her & let her tease you back.
Stay up with her at night when she’s sick.
Watch her favorite movie with her.
Kiss her forehead.
Give her the world.
Write her letters.
Let her wear your clothes.
When she’s sad, hang out with her.
Let her know she's important.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Kiss her in the rain.
Call her every night.
And, when you fall in love with her, tell her.
And when you do tell her. Love her like you never loved before.

Run, mom, run!!!!

What am I still doing here? I am suppose to be on my way to the grocery store right now! But, why am I still sitting here?

Well, I am so used to taking at least a kid with me but today they don't want to go. Wow! I should have just run for it before they change their minds (I still might once I write this!).

But I had a weird feeling, kind of sad. They are getting so grown that they can actually stay here. My middle son is close to the age that I was when I started babysitting and not at my house babysitting but of other people. That makes my daughter older than me.

Now granted I have left them to go to the store before but after all my complaining about needing a break, today I don't want one. I want to be with them because they are being awesome kids today. Really fun!

Oh well.... I guess I better head over to the store and quick..... before THEY DO change their minds! Because when it comes right down to it....I really I do need that break!

Someone's in the kitchen with.....

For months and months, I haven't found a way to really balance things as a newly single mom. Because of school and work, I tend to let the house duties go a bit. Mostly I don't cook as often as I would like. Instead we do a lot of take-out, drive-thru or very convenient meals.

Well for New Year's I set a goal (no not a resolution to easy to break a goal is realistic and doesn't feel like as much pressure). The goal was to cook more. This would not only save money but would hopefully snap the kids out of being so picky. I blame the ex for part of this, they seemed to have gotten his pickiness over foods. But, I also blame myself for giving them the fast foods. I also don't buy the whole Gerber thinking of giving them veggies and a variety as babies and they will grow up this way. No! Mine would eat just about anything and everything that I made until.... they turned 4 years old. Now the little one has never really eaten well since he was made 2..... I made his baby food, homemade! Everything you could imagine and he ate it. But, around 2, I guess he realized that bro and sis didn't eat what he was so why should he.

So anywho, the goal is more dinners cooked at home.

The update on this is all last week I cooked at home!!!! We started writing out a menu and this is what we go off of for the week. I know, I know. You are thinking, "Well duh. That is so easy. Why didn't you think of that before?" Well I'm glad you asked. I have done this before but I couldn't stay on top of it. Plus the kids weren't on board with it because I was making the menu, and because I was doing all the work. Now they help with the planning, they help with the prep work and they help with cooking and cleaning up.

I just made menu #2 and I am really excited about it!

100th POST!!!!!!

This is my 100th post! Whoohoooo. Be the first to comment and win bragging rights. Ha! And I will start a "Wall of Fame" list so I can record the bragging right winners..... (more contests to come!)

Anyway, I was just going to post a message about all the changes going on here at Single Mom.

I have changed my template and finally found one I like. However, I would LOVE to know more about templates because I really would rather make my own. Anyone know? Want to help me?

I have also added various links: friends' blogs, random websites I go to (just a small portion) and also the online news papers for the places I have lived. I still read those for the places I no longer live.

And, lastly, even though I feel like I have found me again, I know that my journey is far from over. There are things that happen daily as well as many topics I want to discuss. So stick with me and watch the evolution here at SINGLE MOM FINDING HERSELF!!!!!

My favorites

Here are some of my faves that I have written.... in no particular order.... There are more but this is really the ones I like the best. Many of them just give you a look at who I am. If you haven't read them, please enjoy. If you have, I'm glad you have been with me for so long.

December 9, 1993

The Stapler

Me

Writing my obituary

My brothers

Six Flags Astroworld

Celebrity on my blog!!!! (Mama Drama!)

Okay maybe not a true, on Television, movies, radio celeb but I still feel very honored to have Jenny from Mama Drama post a comment to my blog! Whooohooo, now I have hit the big times. Long story short, she posted a call out to lurkers the other day to post comments. Long time reader, never made a comment.

Now if I could just get Wil Wheaton to post on here like he did on Mama Drama, then I would really make it big!

Thanks, Jenny for the comment. I was really surprised to see you. Love your blog, read daily. And, I hope you come back and visit me soon!

Some of my faves..... (I am hoping the links work... but if it takes you straight to the comments, just scroll up a bit)

Haunted Dollhouse

Why she thinks they can't adopt!

Oscar the Grouch

and finally, this place I pass almost daily! and have wanted to stop at oh so many times over the years......


PS I really hope the links worked. I have never done them before but a friend told me how and so I'm hoping I can follow directions.

Cryin' for nothin'

Now I have been saying that I have been happier than I have been in a long time and it is true. But, from time to time I seem to suffer from depression. The past 18-19 months it has been very mild and only rearing its ugly head every few months.

So last night I was surfin' the net, just hopping from message board to message board and it hit me like a ton of bricks.... I felt this sudden feeling of sadness, loneliness and well I wanted to cry. My girl was spending the night at a friend's house. My boys were both asleep. My Schoolwork was done. Housework pretty much done, etc, etc. So I was just playin' and that is when I missed one thing in my life.... a partner, a companion.... someone to love me, to hold my hand while we watch tv or listen to music or just sit in silence because we are just that comfortable that words aren't always necessary. Someone that will take care of me and make me feel special and someone I can do the same for.

I started to write this blog entry last night but it wasn't what I wanted to say.

Since last night was just a moment and today I do not feel exactly the same, this blog entry is written from a different view than the one last night. I am happy and while I could complain about my life, the stressors are temporary things. Job, finances all fixable and temporary so why complain? Life is just too short and I really have a good life. I have things that many people only wish for.

And afterall, today is a new day and I have special people in my life that make me happy. They make me feel special and loved. I'm willing to be patient and wait for that right, special person to fill that last little void. I'm willing to work for it, slowly and enjoy every second with getting to know that person. It took one of my aunts over 20 years to find that and I'm willing to wait that long to have what she and my uncle now have. I'm not in a rush. I just have moments from time to time where I miss having that relationship and I know that is normal.

I also know that I will have that someday..... and it will be great because I waited and was patient and took my time getting to know that special person.... whoever he is, wherever he is....

Someday.....

"I Wanna Do it All" Performed by Terri Clark

I Wanna Do It All
Written by Giles Godard, Rick Giles & Tim Nichols

I'm sitting in traffic
For the 5th year in a row
Wasting my time
Just to get
Where I don't even wanna go
I started jotting things down
On a krispy kreme sack
Everything I'd do
If I could leave this place
And never look back

I wanna do it all
Visit Paris in the fall
Watch the Yankees play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads
Down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

I want to drink tequila
Down in Tijuana
Say why not
When somebody says
Hey do you wanna
I wanna get my heart broke
Once or twice
Settle down with the love of my life
Rock little babies to sleep at night

I wanna do it all
Visit Paris in the fall
Watch the Yankees play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads
Down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

I wanna spend a day
Every now and then
Just doin what I want to do
When I wanna do it
Anytime I wanna do it

I wanna do it all
Visit Paris in the fall
Watch the Yankee's play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads
Down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

See Niagara falls
Fight city hall
Feel good in my skin
Beating the odds
With my back to the wall
Try to rob Peter
Without paying Paul
I wanna do it all
I wanna do it all
I wanna do it all

New Year! 2007!

Well it is officially the new year. In this year something amazing will happen.... I will finish school!!!!! I am very excited about this.

This means tons of changes. I first need to make some decisions about my career. Where am I going to go with it? This of course depends on what happens with the current job. Will it become permenant? Will it end? Will I have to look for another this year? Now if this one is offered to me as a permenant job, I will take it and make a new decision later on. If not, I will start the job hunt but this time with a degree in hand! I really hope it offers some new opportunties for me.

Then on to other things for the year. I can't wait to finish school so that I can regain some life back too. Like making dinner, spending time with my children in the evenings. Hopefully having more time to do hobbies: painting and reading! I want to teach my oldest son about amateur radio.... not that I know much about it now but I plan to learn. I have already started to look for books and websites that will help me learn. I'm going to teach my youngest how to ride his new two-wheeler. I want to take my daugther to get a pedicure and manicure, do some fun girl stuff with her.

Other things I want to do is try to take better care of myself. Baby steps, baby steps. I need to make some doctor's appointments. I need to learn more about this herniated disk. I want to be able to workout again. I have gained so much weight because I can't right now. So once I understand my limits or whatever, I can do this. I could probably walk, right? But, maybe very careful with the sit-ups and push-ups, etc. But I just don't know!

I also want to get my debt under control too. My student loans will come due this year. I have debt from my broken car. I would also like to replace that car this year. It will need more repairs and I just don't know if I want to put more into it. I may keep it though for another year because..... I want to do some things around the house. New blinds (stupid cat! broke them!). New flooring in my bathroom and maybe even the kitchen/dining room and laundry room. I would also like to do some painting, get new bedding for my room, get some art or somethings for the walls..... and a lot of landscaping.

So I made no resolutions for the year but I have goals and things I am looking forward to.

Happy New Year to you all! I hope that you have some goals that you will keep and have a great year. Happy, healthy and fun 2007.

2006 - Year in Review

Wow. I cannot believe it is almost 2007. So much has happened this past year and I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect on the changes in my life and really in me.

I guess I really need to back up even further just so you know where I am. July 2005 moved back to Texas. Separated from the now-ex so this is kind of where I pick up in Jan 2006. We are still living apart but have not filed for divorce yet. As far as I knew we were still trying to pick up the pieces and see if we could fit the puzzle back together again. March 2006, my bday and we go to San Antonio and we had a blast! I was thinking wow, we are really doing well. Maybe, just maybe this will all work. We had already talked about moving back in together and were looking at a house we wanted to buy.

It was about mid-March that I realized he wasn’t in to it anymore. I confronted him about it, he confirmed and that was the end. We started getting facts on our rights in a divorce, figuring out our options and putting post-it notes on the stuff we wanted to keep.

End of March or beginning of April, I decided to put myself on one of those online dating sites. Match.com to be exact. It was okay. I had a few people that I talked to but only one I actually met. Then I learned about another site called Plentyoffish.com. I had never heard of it and gave that one a shot. A few more email contacts, another date. But, then I emailed someone and well long story short, 6 mths later we are still chatting and meeting up when we can. You have all read about him…. The Goofball.

Well that is kind of updating on the dating aspect of it, however, the rest of my life was going like this. May 2006, we officially filed for divorce. June 2006 ex moved to Dallas, Tx and then took the kids to his folks for a few weeks. Then he came back and well he seemed to miss me and we talked about possibly stopping the divorce. However, in my heart, I knew I couldn’t turn back. It was just too late for us. I had grown so much in just that short time and really all year. I had grown more independent again. I learned too much about my strength, got a lot of my self-respect back and I wasn’t going to give myself up again for someone that didn’t respect me. I wasn’t going to get back in a situation where the person that is suppose to love me the most in the world, puts me down and makes me feel like I can’t do anything or that I am being controlled or that I’m just not good enough for him. Divorce on. It was official Sept 1, 2006. Almost 13 years from when we first meet.

Then I thought I was starting to get a head a bit on finances and getting a handle on paying for everything with one income (plus child support). That was my first mistake! Car broke big time. Hindsight being what it is, I now know what I should have done but oh well its over and all I can do is move on. Tuck that a way in the lessons learned the hard way file of the brain.

I have had a lot of job changes this year as well. This is due to being a temporary. I hate it, it sucks but it is the best way to get your foot in the door around here. So I started out the year working for a hospital, then went to a chemical company and then for a very short time to an Oil and Gas Company. Then finally landed where I wanted to be all along, it is a different Oil and Gas Company than the first. I won’t say the name but I will hint that the “mascot” is a car or actually more than one car. I’m still a temporary but I am hoping that will change soon.

There are so many other changes in me. I haven’t suffered as much depression and anxiety this year. I have moments of both but I can push on through it. I have to. I think one reason is I have a great support system. Family and friends that don’t mind listening to me or picking me up when I’m down even if they don’t always realize it. I am very blessed to have this. I try to tell at least someone everyday what they mean to me. If you are reading this, chances are really good you mean a lot to me as I haven’t personally shared this link with many people. I do know some of my friends have me linked from their blogs but that’s fine. My friends know who they are! Right?! If not, I can call you out!

Also with my new found freedom and realizing I’m not being controlled, I can just hop in the car and head out where ever I can with the kids. We have done the zoo a few times, the beach twice and gone to different parks a lot, the movies, out to eat…. It is so much fun! We started to take up tennis before I had a medical set back that I will talk about shortly. The ex was here this weekend and I was like, hey let’s all go for a ride. It took us way tooo long to go and by then I was over it. I should have just gone it alone but the kids were wanting out of the house too and he was there so I said, hey let’s all just go. It was just one extra person and a grown person at that. One that can get dressed by himself. Why did it take us so much longer? I don’t know. But, this was always a problem. When I want to go, I want to go quickly. I am not really a morning person as in not super happy, peppy and my brain isn’t always functioning full force. But, if I don’t get out when I’m ready, my enthusiasm quickly wanes.

And, finally, health. Well overall not a bad year. The kids have stayed relatively healthy, nothing funky like in 2005 with Hunter’s head injury (long story if you haven’t heard it). But, only thing is in the last month I found out that I have a herniated disk in my neck. Fun! So I have been in pain for almost 2 months now but thankfully I haven’t done much in 2 weeks so I am finally feeling some relief in that area. My future with that looks like physical therapy and I just have to be careful not to lift anything really heavy. I plan to go have a sit down with the doc about exactly what that all means very soon.

Looking to 2007, I will finally complete school. I can almost not believe it. To say I’m excited would be an understatement. I’m hoping this will mean more time with my kids, more time for me stuff (like reading!!!) and maybe more time for a hobby. I haven’t had one of those in a long time! Speaking of hobbies, I better write this in my blog so I don’t forget. I want to paint this summer while the kids are with dad. I want to go to the store and buy all the supplies and just paint but not the house but art, paintings…. Mostly just make a mess on canvas. I can’t paint to save my life but I once spent a whole weekend painting and loved it! I don’t have any of those anymore.

Also in 2007, I am hoping to meet up with a bunch of my friends for our annual reunion trip. This year is Dallas! Whoohoo! I cannot wait. I really hope that a lot of them can make it. But, no matter who makes it, it will still be fun!

Then lastly in 2007 our family will grow by two more babies (so far). My brother and Sister-in-law are having their 3rd in May. Then just this week I found out my cousin is having her 2nd in August!!!!! Now I am not on this list of potentials but I know there may be some others in my family that are planning. I wish that both babies are healthy and happy. Of course we are all not so secretly wishing for pink but healthy and happy come first! and before you say, wow that sounds selfish (as far as the wishing for girls). We had 5 babies in 2002/03 all boys! Until this past October, we didn't have a baby since 1998 that was a girl. Soooooo we are all just wanting to buy more pink clothes! Either way we love our babies!

I will leave you with these thoughts. Things I have learned in the last year or so.

Take risks. If you don’t you will have regrets. I am big on this risk taking thing. It is my new thing. Just got this in a fortune cookie, “The greatest risk is not taking one.” So true, so true!! I feel like I took a big risk in July 2005, leaving Fargo with just my babies. Then coming here, getting a job and just doing it all by myself (okay with some help but it takes a village…..)

The second thing is to just appreciate what you have. I have been reminded oh so many times this year how good I have it. I can complain and whine but at the end of the day my life is pretty damn great! But, don’t just appreciate it but tell those around you how you feel.

Here is to a safe and happy 2007!!!!

Merry Christmas (Eve)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

I haven't blogged in just over a week! I can't believe it I was doing so good this month in keeping up.

Anyway, let's see. The ex is here this weekend and it is going okay. Ready for him to go home though.... sad to say. I like my space but have enjoyed the slight break I have gotten from my kids. Tonight I went over to my parents without the kids (because of course this is dad's weekend) and they kept calling me asking when I would come back and what was for dinner and a million other things. I said that is why daddy is here, ask him. But, still the calls kept coming. Just a few hours, please, that is all I wanted! Oh well I love those kids more than anything and I came home a little early so I could spend time with them.

So let's see.... Got a few more presents to wrap. Make the green bean casserole for tomorrow. Made the cranberries already. Cookies in the oven. K put on a Magic show for us. It was so cute. The boys are running wild and I just hope they go to bed tonight so I can do the whole Santa thing.

Then just got a call from my supervisor. There is one more baby in the world today! A baby boy, 8lbs 10 oz.

Okay let's see what else! OH the Texans won against the Colts. That was cool as hell. Not to mention Goofball had gone to the game. I'm really happy that he was there and they won. Did I mention the beat the Colts? Oh yeah that was sooo cool.

Anyway, I am happy, fairly healthy and I have my kids and family!!!!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas. I hope you all have the same. Well wishes, warm hugs and lots of laughs.

Love you all.

What a strange day....

Well first and fore most.... I saw the goofball today. It was so nice. Just a few hours but it was great.... Not sure when the next time our schedules will match but that's okay because I know there will be a next time....

So then I have had a lot of pain today. I think I will need to go back to the doc and really discuss this with him. He had suggested if it doesn't get better within 2 wks that we would do physical therapy and I think I will tell him, let's do it. And, I may ask for another pain shot. Those really help. Though I am walking around with a sore rear....

Then got a call from the ex. He is having some issues. Long story short, he may have to have some urgent surgery. I'm worried that he won't take care of himself and won't ask for help (not from me of course we don't leave near each other) but he is just like that. Stubborn as hell. He has probably been walking around with this problem for far too long and now it is almost an emergency situation. This also means that he can't come for the Christmas weekend. The kids are a little disappointed but I think it starts to become an "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. Especially with the little one.

Then it looks like I will get to see BOTH of my brothers for Christmas. Well the youngest and his family will be here just before and leave on the 24th but still!!!!!

And, now I sit here thinking about my day not able to focus on my schoolwork because of my pain and fighting the urge to run to Dallas so that at the very least the ex will have someone to take care of him. But, ya know, he is a big boy and will have to do it himself. I have been! and if you are wondering I would do it more for my children than for the ex or myself. I am honestly worried that he would not take care of himself and well.... I will just leave it unspoken.

MRI Results are in....

.... herniated disk in my neck.

At least now I know I'm not making this up. I do worry about that... Ha!

So anyway, nothing too special that I have to do at this time just be really careful, no heavy lifting. How am I suppose to avoid that and be a single mom??? I need to hire someone!

Thanks for those that have sent me positive thoughts. I do appreciate them and you for remembering me.

"She Let Herself Go"

This song just reminds me of me.... a little bit! Of course I haven't gotten to travel yet but I will.

"She Let Herself Go" by George Strait (Dean Dillon/Kerry Kurt Phillips)
He wondered how she'd take it
When he said goodbye
Thought she might do some cryin'
Lose some sleep at night
But he had no idea
When he hit the road
That without him in her life
She'd let herself go

Let herself go on a singles' cruise
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu
Let herself go to New York City
A week at the spa
Came back knocked-out pretty
When he said he didn't love her no more
She let herself go

She poured her heart and soul
Into their three bedroom ranch
Spent her days raisin' babies
Ironin' his pants
Came home one day from the grocery store
And found his note
And without him there to stop her
She let herself go

Let herself go on her first blind date
Had the time of her life
With some friends at the lake
Let herself go buy a brand new car
Drove down to the beach
He always said was too far
Sand sure felt good between her toes

She...
(Repeat 1st Chorus)

Tag
To Vegas once
Honolulu
New York City
Came back knocked-out pretty

Waiting Wednesday

Waiting on my results from the MRI. For obvious reasons.

Waiting on Friday! For many reasons....

Waiting for my Chinese food. I'm hungry

Waiting to take my meds. I am in pain and can't take them until....

Waiting for bedtime! .... now!

Waiting for Christmas. To see my children's faces when they see their special gift from me!

Waiting for wishes and dreams..... if only I could share these right now but I will when the time is right.

My day update.... Just random stuff....

Started out rather domestic like and ended that way too.

MRI went fine. I didn't even panic being enclosed in that little tube! I'm proud of me. Should get the results in a few days.

Came home, straightened up just a bit and sat around watching day time television. Have you ever noticed that all the commericals during the day are for nursing, technical schools or insurance companies, etc? Anywho. Then I took a nap.... pain meds....

Woke up, headed to the grocery store. Had to buy stuff for K's class, International day or something. She picked Nachos... umm, okay! H needed plates and cups for a class party. Then got gas in the car, picked up L from day care. Got home started dinner (burritos), got K started on making her nachos... She is 12 in 7th grade, she can cook! Everyone is fed. Kitchen is more or less cleaned up. Kids are happy.

Now mom can settle down to finish a project for class. I can't believe I'm already at the end of week 2 of my almost last class! Just 3 more weeks (not counting the Christmas break) and I will be in my last class! It has been a long road but I have learned so much and really feel proud that I have done it (almost!). For anyone that doubts online school at all, I have worked so hard and gotten so much out of it. I just didn't get this out of my first experience with college but this is perfect for me!

Enough stalling from me! I better get this project finished up so I can get to bed. I actually have to go to work tomorrow.

Very Domestic Night/Morning and just random stuff

I have all the laundry done! I actually got up and woke up all my children (usually I am long gone by now and I have to call to make sure they are both up, I take the little one to day care). I even made breakfast and unloaded the dishwasher.

I wish I could go to work later everyday!!!

MRI this morning and of course I woke with a migraine. Ugh! But the good news is I did very, very little for the last several days and my back and neck are feeling a lot better. The kids did a lot of the heavy work for me while I just made sure it got done. For all my complaining, they are really good kids.

Today is my nephew's bday. I can't believe he is 12. His dad (my brother) will be leaving Iraq soon for a 20 day leave. We can't wait to see him!!!

Random thought for the day: Communication is the key to everything.

And, lastly, I hate when I start to feel out of control of my life.... like I'm losing and I have no idea how to stop it!

Monday and MRI and what I miss

Well I haven't mentioned but the last month has been very painful. I don't know what the heck I did, something goofy I'm sure... but I pinched a nerve, pulled a muscle or something in my back and neck, mostly neck. It hurts. I'm usually pretty good with pain but this is the no-relief kind.

So I went to the doc after the first two weeks because I just couldn't take it anymore. X-ray, shot of pain meds, shot of steriods and then a prescriptions for pain med and muscle relaxer. No lifting, now how realistic is that? I have kids. But fine. I went home and slept. Woke, not bad. A little hang over feeling.

Later that night, PAIN! The meds didn't work. For another week I lived with it. Not well mind you because on Saturday, Dec 2, we went to a b-day party for my cousin's daugther and it was nice but I got a migraine and had a date with goofball later that night. Had my kids all set to go to family's houses for sleepovers. I tried everything to feel better. He gets here and while the migraine part wasn't so bad, I was not doing well. We just chilled at the house and I really hope he didn't mind that I was not quite myself.

Anywho, fast forward to Dec 7th, I got to work and I just fell apart at my desk. The pain was so bad, I had tears running down my face. Not crying, just tears. It hurt. Talked to my supervisor and went straight back to the doc. Shot for pain, shot of steriods, two new meds for pain and muscle relaxers but scheduled for MRI on Monday, tomorrow Dec 11th to be exact.

Now here is what I miss. I miss having someone to go with me and tell me it is going to be okay. Someone maybe hold my hand until it is time, give me a hug and wait with me for the results all along telling me it is nothing. And, yeah I can tell myself all this because I'm sure this is just something goofy I did lifting stuff, being a mom and being that I have had some trouble since being rear-ended back in Feb 2003, I'm sure that's it..... But, it is different having a husband or at least a boyfriend with you to do these things. With that said, the goofball has been really sweet to ask how I'm doing. We aren't a couple, just friends but I keep thinking what the heck is he thinking of me? I'm just a big whiner, right? I freakin' feel like it! I hate feeling like this!!!

So I want a hero. I want someone to lean on. Even if I can be strong on my own, I am a girl afterall.... we all want a hero.

December 9th, 1993

This was my wedding anniversary. The day I thought I was going to marry this great guy, have our baby and live happy forever. Now it is December 9, 2006 and I am divorced, have three children and living very happy. It is amazing how life changes.

Let's rewind time for a bit, I want to reflect on my marriage.... It might get long, it was nearly 13 yrs.

We were both in the Navy stationed at NAS Whiting Field in Milton, FL.... that is near Pensacola, FL on the border of Alabama.

It started when I first saw him in August 1993. He came to my office to deliver a student's record. Not to me but when I saw him, I had this weird feeling. I turned to my friend and said, "Do you know him?" She said, "Not really." I said, "Can you find out about him?" She said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "I'm going to marry him.".... We both laughed. But, what is funnier is that I really knew I was going to.

We met officially Sept 23, 1993 and a very whirlwind relationship I was about 10-11 weeks pregnant when we married on Dec 9th. That was a great weekend. It was a Thursday and on Friday was my command's Christmas party. It was at a hotel on Pensacola Beach. My command and his got together for different wedding gifts, mine was a night in the hotel. At this point we weren't able to live together. Our house (base housing) wouldn't be ready until Monday.

Then came Christmas. My parents had already bought me a plane ticket home so I went home and he went to his folks'. When we got back, we decided we would not spend another Christmas apart.

This feeling of love was short lived but his change of heart in mid-January. He said that we rushed and we should divorce and date to get to know each other better. To this I simply said, "I married you once and if I divorce you it will be once." Basically I am not going to do the back and forth thing. No way! I respect myself too much.

This "off" period lasted for a few months but then I don't know what happened but maybe it was the baby coming. He finally seemed like he wanted to be married to me. We bought all the baby stuff, put it together, washed and folded the clothes and we were all set. One day we were walking down the hallway and he paused by the baby's room. He said, "I'm going to be a dad."

We had the baby and things were great! She was the perfect baby. We were a nice little family.

Then we got pregnant again, and had our first boy! Shortly after this, we moved to Norfolk, VA. It was our first change of duty stations.

The first year was great. But, things went down hill not too long after. Ex-h was put out of the Navy for medical reasons. He had to have hernia surgery in FL, not once but twice. It had caused a lot of nerve damage.

He started going to school 5 nights a week, and working 5 -6 days a week. We never saw him. But, I also think he was very depressed and upset about having to get out of the Navy. Military Service was his dream and what he wanted to do. Now what would he do?

This was the start of our trouble. We really started to grow apart and towards others, friends and just in general it really hurt our marriage.

In 1998, I announced that I wanted a divorce. We went to counseling, it didn't stick. We were just so different now. But, some how we stuck it out, and late 1999 we were back to almost normal (you never completely recover, I still hadn't from the first troubles). We talked about having another baby.

In 2000, I got out of the Navy and we moved to Houston, TX. Where I'm from of course!

No baby. No baby. No baby. But all along I thought we were doing great and working for the same thing.

I started going to a new doctor. We were going through my medical history and she asked a simple question about birthcontrol and I started boo-whoing! She knew there was an issue here. I explained and she gave me some meds to help. I went home and told him about it, he didn't hear me. Because a week before I was suppose to start taking the pills, he said he didn't want a baby anymore. WTF? So the meds were to help regulate my cycle too so I told him, "I am going to take these and if you don't want a baby, wear protection." He didn't and we got pregnant again.

I was so happy!! So happy! Nov 4, 2001 is when I found out! I couldn't believe it. When I told him, he said "I hate you." then packed a bag and left. For a few months it went like this and finally, I guess the shock wore off. We bought a house and were doing great.... but we never fully recovered from this "fight" or trouble either. We had a beautiful baby boy.

Then in Dec 2002, he had enough again, moved out. So here I was a single mom for three. Wow! The house was clean, everyone was feed and I was working and going to school at this time. I was actually happy!!!

But, what did I do.... let him move in because bottom-line, I was scared of being alone, of the financial burden it really was. He moved back in and we had determined that his job was more the source of his problems. So the job search started. My eye started twitching because all the jobs were out of state.

In May 2003, I quit working to stay at home to try and save money and my marriage.... but I also knew the end of living in Houston was coming to a close....

In May/June 2003, Fargo, ND called him and we moved. Had to sell our house, our first house. I was so sad. I had painted each child's room with love and patience, with each of them in mind while doing it. I started to hate him. I had stopped saying "I love you" months before. In fact, maybe about the time he moved back in. I resented him a lot.

We lived in Fargo for 2 yrs. I wasn't happy. I had to take meds for depression. I tried but I never loved him again.

In the Summer of 2005, I left with my babies and moved back home.

The last year was hard. Having to find a job, change jobs again and again, being out of work for 5 weeks. Going to school. Etc, etc.

And, here is it Dec 9, 2006..... and I think I have final found myself again. I am so happy with my life. You have read about it! Getting up, waking the kids and hopping in the car to the Beach, the zoo, the park. They love it.

Ahhh, it feels good.

Divorced People.....

I don't want to be one of those divorced people that married friends don't want to tell their problems to.... Ya know? They might think I will advise divorce over something as simple as not taking out the trash.

I'm not a bitter divorcee. It was, as I have said, long overdue. I only know my situation and my life. I cannot give advice to other but if asked I will share my experiences and thoughts only.

Several of my friends are having problems. Some rather serious that sound like they should really be seeking some serious help and at the very least finding out their rights with a lawyer because they may get blindsided by their spouse.

But, I don't know what to say to them. I just want to be supportive because that is how I am. Like a faithful dog.... True to the end.

I think most all marriages can be saved, heck even mine probably could have been but the key is both people have to be plugged in and working. We never were. It was always one of us or the other or even both unplugged, disengaged and not really wanting to work on it.

With that said, I want to give this one piece of advice to anyone who might be reading this and thinking, maybe me...... It was something I feel like I learned the hard way. When it is over, it is okay to give up. All too often, I noticed, that people would tell me, 'You just keep trying. Forever.' but ya know, that doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone is going to work it out and like I said about my marriage. We were done, there was no turning back for us. Neither of us were going to give anymore to it. And, that was okay.

Then there is the "Doing it for the kids" excuse. Yeah, I did that too. My kids seem better off now. They have days that are tough but I feel like they are much better off with two happy parents than two very unhappy ones.

There is never a good time for divorce so here is my final advice. Stay plugged in, try with all your might, respect each other, talk daily and above all, even its over, no regrets.

Hugs to all.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well just dropping in with well wishes and happy thoughts. I am actually in a happy place for a change. For the past several, several years this time of years was just dread and regret (even me with my no regrets thinking).

But, this year, wow this year I want to feel it all, hear it all, see it all, smell it all and just live the holidays! Starting tomorrow with Thanksgiving.... parades and being with my family mostly. Oh there is food but I'm not completely excited about..... well I guess I am more excited now that K and I made the cranberry salad! It was fun. We don't have a food processor or blender or any electric gadget and my parents weren't home (They still haven't called me, what's up with that?! Am I on the naughty list or something?). So she and I sat with ancient hand choppers and smashed up two bags of cranberries. It was quite funny because I was doing two cups to her one.

Then H asked if I would make breakfast in the morning. Sure why not? Just something simple: scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. I will then make green bean casserole and mashed potatoes (or roasted, I still haven't decided).... and then we head to my parents' house.

I also plan to watch as many and as much of the parades as I can. I'm such a nerd for it!

I'm soooo ready to start decorating for Christmas too! I have already started listening to Christmas Music. Love it! Again, total nerd for it. I have around 190 songs on my computer (a few are duplicates that I need to delete but not many). I bought new lights for outside and a Santa to sit on the fireplace!

And, then as I reflect on my life at this point, I know I am slowly getting me back. I feel so good and I remember feeling like this years ago. I missed me. I'm glad I'm finding me again. I never want to feel that way again. If I am in a relationship again, I want someone that completes me and loves me for me, not who they think I should be and I don't want to change to be that person..... because that is a lonely place to be.

I am thankful and blessed and I just want to share that joy with everyone!!!

Soooo may your blessings be many, your joys be great and your plate be full.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Almost the day....

December 9. This was my wedding anniversary. Is wedding the right word? Ha, we didn't exactly have a ceremony. Justice of the Peace and only one witness that I sort of knew (his supervisor at the time) Not a picture, not a gown, no flowers, no family.... Oh well, at the time it was enough....

It is coming up and I am wondering how I will react on that day. Will I be a little down? Will I be happy? What?

Starting in around 1998, is when I feel like my troubles started. What happened? I don' t know. I just didn't think this was who I wanted to be with anymore. But each year after, our anniversary would come around and I would say, "Why am I wasting another year being unhappy?" I would be a bit depressed starting November and it would last through January, probably into February.

Why did I stay so long then? Scared mostly. I didn't want to be alone with the children because I just thought it would be too hard. Money too. I have never had a decent job that I felt could support me and the children. Okay wait that isn't completely true. I was in the Navy during this first period of "doubt".... I was in from 1992 - 2000, so really I had 2 yrs when the doubt was strong about staying to leaving and then I would have probably stayed in the Navy. Or maybe not and life would have taken a different path. (No regrets)

I guess in Fall 2004, I just realized I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. My unhappiness outweighed the fear of the unknown. I started getting scared but in a different way. I had to figure out how to get out of this situation as easily as possible for my anxiety issues.

I started seeing a counselor and he and I talked. Baby Steps (reminds me of "What about Bob?"). I would just focus on one thing at a time until I was divorced. I did it!

I talked to my now-ex and told him I couldn't stay in Fargo. I had to move back to Houston. So I did that. Then I got a job. I got a place to live. I got the kids enrolled in school. He moved here. Things got confusing for a while but soon we filed and well the rest is history....

So as I reflect this year, as the date of my anniversary approaches.... I just feel okay. Better than I have in years. Will it continue? Maybe. We shall see. :)

Unpacking the Baggage

This week I have been thinking about "baggage.” We all carry some thing but I want to reflect on what I think of as mine. Three bags in total. I think this is the number of serious relationships I have had. I have had other relationships but these are the three serious ones. The others were very casual or just flings.

So, anyway, from time to time, I like to unpack them to see what I have. See what I want to improve or what I want to discard and even what went right. All baggage isn't bad. Some is good.

The first and biggest is my marriage, just shy of 13 yrs. There is a lot of hurt, confusion and growth in this one. Whys? Hows? What could of, should have been? This was someone that was suppose to love me more than any other person did, yet I was treated pretty badly (and frankly after a while I did a lot of mistreating in return or maybe I started it, it doesn't matter it is a chicken or the egg type of thing). Not abused, at least not physically but emotional scars are there for sure. "I will divorce you if you get fat." "You are so fat; I'm going to divorce you if you don't lose weight" "Great you lost weight now you still have 30 lbs to go." I was told I couldn't clean right, couldn't drive right, didn't discipline the kids right, couldn't add, subtract. I wasn't to pay the bills because I didn't do it right. I spent too much money. He must see the receipts; I must justify everything I buy. Must justify my every move. It wasn't always like this, just the last 8 yrs. It should have ended in 1998 but in Sept 2006, it finally did. I still have many issues to deal with, a lot of me to get back but it is coming, and slowly I'm getting rid of things in this bag. I hope that one day it will just be just a small handbag of things; mostly the good memories of the first 5 yrs and some of the good ones from the last 8 and then a list of lessons learned that maybe I can use in a future relationship(s).

Then I guess the next one would be my first really serious boyfriend. I don't know if he still reads my blog but if so, Hi babe, hope you are well. Please email as I haven't heard from you in a while and I'm worried about you. Anyway, we started dating in Dec 1990/Jan 1991. We dated solid for 10 mths, and then off and on for another year-ish. In Aug/Sept 92, he left for college and I left for the Navy. That was pretty much the end of things. Oh, we talked a bit but slowly moved on. In my mind, there were many things left unsaid, things that I carried for years and years. It took a while (even into my marriage) to get over him completely. A few years ago, he emailed me through Classmates.com. We "got real" and now my bag is smaller and free of all those things I never got to say. It felt so good to get it out and reunite with him. He has always been a great guy, a sounding board and someone I trust completely. Now where there was pain and hurt, there are only good memories and healing.

The last bag I carry is for someone who in many ways felt like a soul mate. He had this power over me. Not power exactly but I just loved him so much. He just had to look at me and I just knew life would be okay. It was during a time when my now ex and I were separated. Was it an affair or not? I don't know. But, I knew the first time I saw him that if given half a second of his time, we would be a couple. I wasn't sleeping with my husband and at least in my mind I had every intention of getting a divorce. However, in VA, you must be separated for 1 yr before you can file. Well the year came and went, and some how we decided to stay together. For me I was too scared to be a single mom and I only had two kids back then. And, anyway, that was the end of the relationship; actually, I guess it ended just before that. At any rate, I carry hurt and pain over the things left unsaid. (See a pattern?)

Back to my marriage, I don't feel like I left anything unsaid. This is the one that I can honestly say that I am over and moved on from very quickly. With the first, I would say it took a good 5 yrs to get completely over him. And, with the other guy, it took at least 3 - 4 years to get to a point where I could think of him and breathe normally and not have a deep aching feeling.

But, ya know, all this baggage has made me stronger. Now after my marriage has ended and I reflect on my two other serious relationships, I think, I don't want to have things left unsaid. I want to also take risks and not look back at what should have, could have been. I want to have someone love me completely, someone treat me well and someone who I can treat and love the same. But, to get there, you must take risks, put yourself out there and sometimes say how you feel and not hold back. It is a gamble, a leap of faith in the other person…. Am I ready for that? I don’t know yet.

But at any rate, my “battle cry” No holding back. No words left unsaid. Take risks. Get real. No regrets, baby!! It’s the only way to live.

5 Things I want to blog about

I haven't had a lot of time for blogging so I am stealing this idea from another blogger.

These are some topics I want to blog about but haven't had time.

1. Dating: Still talking to that guy, the one I like to call goofball. It is nice and seems to be going well. But, it leads to my next topic.

2. Sharing too much and/or holding back: How much to share and how much to hold back is such a hard thing to decide. He and I are still casual so I have probably held back more than I normally would and really it seems okay..... but I feel the need to share more.... I guess when the time is right.

3. Neglecting my kids: I know I'm not but I sometimes feel like it. Just gotta get through school.

4. Friends and friendship: I have wanted to write about friends and how friendship develop. Maybe I will get to write that soon too.

5. Work/School: I need to make a decision about my future and career.

Feeling Way Too Damn Good

Well I don't know what has gotten into me lately but I am feeling sooo good. I notice that I walk around with a smile and people are really reacting to me with smiles and hellos. I made an appt for myself today for something that I have wanted to do for a long.... get a brazilian wax. Hurray! I am meeting a friend afterwards and we are going for pedicures and manicures! I'm just really excited about that.

Now if only I could get motivated to work out and eat better. ha! Actually I am working on that, I just want to be more into it and actually reach my goals.

At any rate, I am feeling good and it shows. Everyone is commenting on it and it feels good!

I finally feel in control of my life and my happiness. What a great change!

Mommy Guilt

Almost as long as I have been a mom, I have been a working mom. With this comes a certain level of guilt. Leaving your child in the care of someone else and working for 8-10 hours a day. Do dads feel this the way moms do? I don't really know. My ex didn't seem to have a problem with it. He could be gone for 15-18 hours at a time.... but ya know this isn't about him!

Anyway, over the years that mommy guilt about day care has faded at least with the two older kids. I got them happily and securely to the ages of 12 and 10, currently. They know I love them, they know how to take care of themselves for their age, etc, etc, etc. They have great memories from growing up and never mention how I left them in day care but then they were in it less hours during the day than L is currently. They were in day care only about 8 hrs a day, while L is currently in day care more like 11 hrs a day.

So he is 4 yrs old. The first 3 mths of his life I was home with him, then my mom watched him during the day until he was about 8-9 mths old. He went to day care for the first time after that for about 3 mths. Then I started to stay home with him. So for the next 2 yrs I was a Stay at home mom. This was from about May 2003 - July 2005.

In August 2005, I started working again. He was sooo ready to go to day care or like he calls it "school". He has done great with it. I could not be more proud of him. He has just learned so much over the last year plus....

This past week after a really rough morning, we drive over to the school. He didn't say a word the whole trip. We get there, I get him out of his car seat and he stops, looks at the day care and says in the sweetest, most sincere voice.... "I really like this school.".... I paused, heart melting, mommy guilt fading. I smiled and said, "I'm so glad you like it."

So maybe all the hours he is spending at day care aren't too bad. I mean I spent a lot of time picking this place. I spent years molding this child to be this great kid and now he is growing and learning in a new way.

And, my mommy guilt over it is fading fast!

Sick

So much for my diet. I have been really sick.... Upper respiratory infection was what the doctor said, but I'm thinking it feels more flu like. But, he is the doc.

It kind of sucks being a single mom with the dad living a million miles away and being sick. Heck, he probably won't help me much if he was here but still.

My mom is going to help me with picking up L from day care this afternoon but otherwise I haven't asked her for much help. I drove L to school with all intentions of me going to work today. It was once I was on the road that I realized I was a danger to myself and others. I dropped him off and came home.

I better get in bed. I didn't cook dinner for the past 2 nights, I better save my energy so I can feed them something tonight....

One thing I miss

about having a husband.....

It is 2:00 am. Yes you are reading that right. I woke up and then couldn't fall back asleep. I have been having trouble with sleeping lately and need some comfort to go back to sleep. Between bad dreams and my racing mind, well, it has been a bit hard to fall back asleep.

The first was last week, I had a really bad dream and really just needed a strong arm around me. I used to wake the ex up (of course when he wasn't the ex) and he would hold me when I would have a bad dream and just tell me it would be okay.

Now tonight, I really need that again. Even if I don't need the arm, just to look across the bed and see the man I love there sleeping.... well.... I miss that a lot. It offered a lot of comfort.

And while I'm not nearly ready to jump back into anything for the sake of nightly comfort, I will look forward to that some day in my future.... I hope.

But, for tonight and probably many more nights to come, I will use my computer to get some comfort and this blog will just get longer and longer.

Day two

Sooo day two didn't go as well as day one but I'm still motiviated!

I cheated a bit with a Moolatte from DQ... If you don't know what this is, its coffee and ice cream topped with whipped cream..... ooooohhhhhh soooo bad! but just what the doctor ordered for today.

Otherwise, I was a good girl. Well that and the Smirnoff Ice I'm drinking.... this is probably NOT on my diet plan. But, again, just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, I had a bit of a stressful day and I'm fighting a bit of "whoa is me" depression.

The ex is regretting his decision which has me in a tailspin. No I don't want him back. I like my life now but there will probably always be that "what if" factor there since there was no real deal breaker and minus a few communication problem and his indecision.... Ya know except for the disrespect we so clearly showed each other (I will take some credit for being disrespectful as well.)

Sooooo anyway, that's my life right now on day two of my diet.... (evil laugh).....

Day one is almost over

Well I made it through day one of the diet and it wasn't too bad. Okay so I cheated once with a few sips of Dr Pepper at the movies today. Otherwise, I did great!!!

I didn't workout today but that is my plan for first thing in the morning. Walk away the pounds at 5 am.... isn't that the life? Ha, ha.... But all kidding aside, I love that video and can't wait to do it. It works GREAT!

So I feel really great about this and I know that with one day down, I know I can do this.

Diet - Day One

So I have officially started on Day One, South Beach Diet. Cross your fingers for me that I can stick to it. Last time I did this, I lost about 25lbs in just about 2 months and then back slid way over that! I was well over 200 lbs. It was sooo gross. Now I'm down a good 15-20 lbs from that and two sizes smaller.

My motiviation so far is the fact that I bought 3 of the Perfect Fit tees from Old Navy in a smaller size and they fit great but I could use a tiny bit more off for them to be PERFECT... but I LOVE IT!!!!

I plan to work out later today too!

I'm really excited about it and just hope that I can do it this time. I know that my problem in the past has been getting the fire put out by negativitiy. Since that doesn't live here anymore, I think I can do it. I know I can.

Let Freedom Ring

I love, love, love the freedom I have in my life now!

Today I had planned to do the usual: cleaning, schoolwork, etc. However, when I woke up, I just had this bug to get out and do, see and be! So got the kids up, called my mom because I knew she was solo this weekend and we headed to Galveston! Its home to me because that is where both my parents are from and my paternal grandmother, not to mention I was born there.

We get there and did the Railroad Museum, which was great. I love going there because my paternal grandparents were the first ones to take me there and they told me stories of when my grandfather came to visit her. It was sweet. Well today was the first time my mom had been to the museum. She had traveled from there when it was an active rail station. She loved it! I'm so glad I called her to go with us.

We then headed down the Strand. This is an area that is both historic and has shopping! We ate lunch on the patio of Fuddrucker's (burger place). Ducked in a few shops and then headed to the beach.... the route we went took us right past my mom's family home.... The new owners have painted it some funky colors but it still looks like "home".

The beach was great. It was amazing, awesome, spectacular weather!!!!! It could not have been a better day.

But really the best part is that I got up, didn't have to ask anyone else what they wanted to do (well the kids but they really didn't have a choice). I get to make the decisions. I don't have to discuss my plans with anyone though I don't mind sharing.

I know in the future this will be something I will look for in another person. Someone that is willing to be spontaneous enough to just get up and go, within the restrains of our situation (my and/or his kids if they still live at home)….. but not just that, but someone who WANTS to go out and do things, not just talk about doing things. Or someone that doesn’t just want to discuss it to death or can’t miss any sports at all to go. I mean I am an understanding person. The Big Game is the big game and you might not want to miss that, but EVERY game?!?

Sorry this is starting to turn in to a vent, rather the screaming from the rooftops excitement blog it was suppose to be!

I feel soooo good about life right now. Even with my overwhelming responsibility feelings and the nagging depression I have some times. Overall, I love my life. I’m happy and free.