The story of my youngest, L, just because!

L is my youngest and my most surprising baby! The story is this. I had K quite by surprise, but different surprise.... like some people might call it an accident but I say a surprise. It was something I didn't know that I always wanted! H was another surprise but again, more of the accident kind. I was on the pill. So they are 19 months apart. Not by choice but by some higher plan.

Then after H was born, I started the depo-provera shot. This is a shot that lasts for 3 months. So every 3 months for just over a year, I got them. Then I went on a stronger type of birth control pill than I had been on before. The reason: we were talking about having a third baby so we wanted to get ready for it. With the shot, I didn't have a period and it was very effective!

Well H was a sick baby. Ear infection after ear infection, cold after cold. I swear the child was always at the doctor or the hospital and lived on meds for the first 3 years. Seriously everyone knew us and that is a little strange for military doctors/nurses because the staff changes so much. He had two surgeries, one for his ears(actually had this one twice) and one for his hand. But, by the time he was 3, he was doing much, much better! So we thought, hey, why not try now. So I got off the pills.

Month after month, I hoped and waited. AF would arrive. Damn. Did you know you could convince yourself you are pregnant and even have all the symptoms?

I finally just thought, well that's it. Family of 4. I just didn't think it would ever happen. After nearly 3 years of trying and frustration. I couldn't it anymore. The ex was happy with that because he really only wanted one kid. I wanted four but whatever.

Well September 2001, I went to a new ob/gyn for my annual. This was out of the military and it was a little overdue (usually happens in March... TMI??).

She starts talking about birth control, what were we using?..... I started bawling like a big ole baby. She closed my record and said, "Sounds like there is a story here, want to talk?" (I loved this doctor!!!) After I told her the story, she said, "I think I can help."

She started me on some meds. I was to wait until Oct 10th to take the set. I had to take them for 10 days each month (ovulation). She said in three months we will revisit this and see how you are doing.

Well I explained this all to my now ex, and said, "If you don't want to have a baby, please tell me now or use protection." He did neither. So when Oct 10th rolled around, I started taking them. We had sex one time.

Well the next week, I was sick, sick, sick... I felt like this for a few weeks. So on Nov 4th, I took a test. B.F.P! Holy Fuck I was pregnant! Also saw Monsters, Inc on this day.... so I just knew I would have a girl. My doctor was jumping up and down for me in genuine excitement for me!

When I told the ex that I was pg, he looked at me and said, "I hate you." packed and left. Well great.... I should have let him go. He came back later and we talked. I was hurt and pissed and sick. I always got bad morning (all day) sickness. Anyway, we stayed together.

It was fairly uneventful from there. We backed out of the house we were having built (I should have seen that coming) and bought an older house in Clear Lake. We painted all the kids' rooms and I had a lot of fun!

My mom went to the ultrasound with me.... and guess what, turns out it was a boy!!!! Very clearly a boy.

My older two were 8 and 6 1/2 when he was born. I made them shirts "I'm a big sister, again." and "I'm a little and a big brother." They loved them!

This was the best baby ever. He ate well, slept well, very alert, smart baby boy. He used to actually sleep in his own bed! I could even put him to bed awake and he would just hang out for a few until he fell asleep.

Some where along the way, we all spoiled him freakin' rotten! My mom watched him for most of the first year while I still worked. She spoiled him (in a good way), her dog spoiled him by bringing him toys and taught him about balls (Jack Russell Terrier, she would die for a ball). At age one, I got to start staying home with him! I never got to stay home with the other kids! We then moved to Fargo and it was just he and I most of the time.

The ex and I had problems the whole time and I think we focused all our energy on this kid. Kinda overcompensating for the unlove we had for each other. It sucked.

So anyway, this kid is so spoiled! He gets everything he wants. He sleeps with me. This may have happened despite the problems with his dad and I, he is the baby and he is so much younger than the other kids. So not only do the parents spoil him but the other kids spoil him a bit too!

I realized the other day.... like a big ole reality check. He will be in Kindergarten this coming year. When did that happen?!?!? My baby? No way?

Anyway, this is my angel baby. My especially special one. My last baby. My little boy. Graduating Class of 2020!

Coming soon: The story of K and the Story of H.

Crazy Bitch

What does this mean? I hear guys say "women are crazy".... But what does that mean? Does that mean different things to different people? Is it someone who is too clingy? Someone who plans your future's together on the first date?? A Stalker, showing up uninvited, unannounced? Someone that breaks in when you aren't home, maybe steals a pair of boxers or photographs herself in your bed!? Expecting men to read your mind, not respecting guy time? Expecting perfection? Nagging, nagging, nagging until you just have ringing in your ears?

Yeah I would say all this means crazy bitch!

But, does it mean someone that calls too much? Too many emails? I mean what is too much and then on one hand, umm yeah, I agree! But, on the other, is it really bad? Doesn't show interest.

Read on....

See women think contact/communication shows interest. Just look at blogs by Single Gals, look at the books and shows geared towards single women. "He's just not that into you." What is the main theme here? Well, if he doesn't call, doesn't email, text, surprise you from time to time, he just isn't interested!

Soooo this translates to women wanting to show interest. Hey, maybe some of them over do it! I say play a little hard to get. So interest but don't over do it! Come on, gals. Space! Guy time. Let them breath a bit.

I have been called crazy. I have been called a bitch. But, I have never been called a crazy bitch. And, usually just called that when in a very heated argument. No bigs. I am not the stalker type. I know limits. I respect guy time. I don't nag (much, hey admit it. we all do!). I can do stuff for myself.

So I have also been told good stuff.... Like I'm fun. I'm cool. I'm funny.... blah, blah, blah! Its all good the blahs are not a bad thing here. The point is to basically find a balance that works or just accept that men are going to think that women are crazy bitches. Period.



Coming soon: Asshole men!

Weekend Update (Mostly about Goofball!)

So I feel like blogging/writing something but since I don't ever write anything earth shattering, I figured nobody would mind if I just write about my weekend. Plus I have some Goofball stuff bouncing around in my head.

Friday was a work day for me (I get every other one off). But, I ended up only working until around 1:00. I had to pick L up for speech therapy. After speech, I got him in the tub, ironed our clothes and then got us both dressed for a wedding we had that evening. The big kids came home.... showers (quick!!!), dressed and we were off to my Aunt's house to pick up some of the food for the wedding. Bust butt to get down to Texas City (from Pearland.... easily an hour drive). Almost spilled all the soup in the process. Anyway, got to the wedding. It was great! My cousin looked to pretty!!!! I miss her! We used to be pretty close as kids. She looked so in love. Ah, to have that feeling someday.

Got home around 11:30.... I think??? Maybe it was earlier, maybe it was later either way.... (see next paragraph!)

Saturday game day. Sadly we missed L's game because we overslept. Oh well! Really lazy Saturday though. Didn't move much. H had a game at 6:30..... It was good. They didn't win but did really well anyway.

Sunday. Grocery store, some cleaning, did water balloons with the kids! L broke out in a big rash earlier in the day but was better-ish in the afternoon.

Then Sunday evening, I went to see Goofball. Now I wasn't planning to see him this week but he asked and I can't turn him down! Really I didn't have a reason that I wasn't going to see him, just that I didn't think we were going to get together. I was really happy he asked.

Here is the thing, I'm all about space in a relationship but honestly that's a lot of what we get. However, I think that is part of the reason our relationship works is because we don't get to see each other but a few times a month, so we appreciate the time more and enjoy it. But, this is also a downside..... because it means not knowing each other quite as well as two people that have been talking for 10+ months should....See online helps you get to know a lot of things about a person, such as, likes and dislikes, most embarrassing story or what you did after High School, but you don't get to really know someone. Mannerisms and tone of voice, hand gestures and smell, their walk or that sparkle in their eye..... At least that is my thoughts, don't know his.

Back to space in a relationship, I think this is important for both people. VERY IMPORTANT! Couple time is good, great. And, in a family situation, yeah family time is needed too. But, each person needs some downtime. Goofball really only has Sunday nights as his downtime and while I would looooove to take every single one of them. I won't pressure him for that. 1. because we are still just casually dating and 2. because that is his time. If he asks me, I will see him and if he doesn't I hope he has a great time!!!! Not as great as he would with me but I mean every night can't be perfect! (Ha, ha).

Also he was going to a friend's house last night to do some handy work for her. Cool. He is a great guy, did I mention that? So he was teasing (at least I think he was teasing) and said I wouldn't be the center of attention while he worked. Ha, ha. But, ya know, I don't expect to be when we are around his friends. That is his hanging out time with them and when I tag along, I am just happy to be near him. So I just smile and talk when necessary but otherwise, I am just happy that I am not miles away on a computer. (Emails and IM is fun, but in person or phone is sooooo much better!!!).

Then I hope he doesn't think I'm totally lame for getting too tired on him. I really did want to go to the Cheesecake Factory.... but (and here is the part I didn't tell him), I started having cramps so add that to the tired and I just didn't want to be around other people. So we sat in my car and talked for a little while..... I have to be honest that was the second best part of the night. Of course the first best was having great sex! Did I mention how good the sex is? No? I should mention that some time. Goooood. Can't wait for Friday... hope Friday happens. I never expect it until he is actually here. No expectations, bay-bee!

Anyway, I like talking to him. I still have like a million things I want to talk about but it can wait. No rushing, no pressure, no expectations. I just want to enjoy each moment for what it is and not think about anything else. Yeah I'm sounding all dreamy.... I think its because I'm freakin' tired! Got home late but it was totally worth it because I had a good weekend!!

Hope you all have a good week.

Scars

I love this song by Papa Roach. It really describes my current feelings on my ex.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

This is the part I am mostly talking about. I will open myself to him sometimes because I care too much. Just in general. And, each time I do, I get hurt and I have to sew myself shut against him again.

Then this part.....

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I have tried so many times to help him (mostly while we were still married, now not so much.) I still give him a bit of advise now and listen to him when he needs to talk. I know I will always have some type of relationship with him and I think that's why I try to care. Compassions in my nature but I can't always help him, I can't always be there to listen. I feel like I'm done with sympathy towards him.

And....

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I think that says it all. I gotta move on with my own life and I think I have pretty darn well without him if I do say so myself!!!! It is almost my Blogiversary and I will talk more about my progression from last year to this. Lots of growth in myself and I feel good!

Oh and I love Papa Roach!!!!

Role Models - Part Two

I decided there may be a third discussion about role models as I think it is very important. My children are 12 (nearly 13), 11 and 4 going on 5..... Two June Bdays.

The two older ones are at an age that I think is very important. I can see K starting to pull more towards friends and defining herself. She doesn't need me nearly as much. Her friends are now her source of answers. Her friends are the ones she shares things with. It has been coming for a long time. I am sure I was cut out a long time ago, but it has just recently gotten more defined. All I get these days is backtalk and attitude. Yesterday, I, not so proud of this, got right up in her face yelling at her. Basically just saying to stop with the attitude that I don't deserve. I later apologized and said that was uncalled for but I was not sorry for the things I said, just the way I said them. I can admit I am wrong.

Anyway, I do not want my kids to think yelling is okay. My mom is a yeller (or was) and while I can't imagine my grandmother (her mom) as a yeller, I bet there was a lot of yelling given my aunts and uncle's behavior as adults! They are FUN!!!! (I miss my uncle sometimes).

Back to yelling.

This is not the type of behavior I want my kids to emulate. They already do far too much and I hate it. Honestly it may even be too late to break the habit, the cycle will continue..... Because I don't always react appropriately. "STOP YELLING!!" .... children's "are you stupid" looks facing me as if to say, "Umm good job mom. Yell at us to stop yelling. Here's your sign"

I try, I try, I try!

But, I need a break to recharge. I have had quite a few large stressors lately. Soon I should know more about one and hopefully can put that to bed and move forward. This one may also solve my biggest stressor. Okay stress should not be an excuse but it is a reason.

Anyway, back on track:

So I do not feel like I am a great role model given the yelling. But, I think I'm good. I try to be strong for the kids. They do not see me cry often and when I do it is usually over something on TV, not life. I mean life sometimes sucks. Things do not go the way you want. You deal and move on. That is just reality.

I know that sometimes I like to wallow in my depression and have myself a pity party on here or in emails or in conversation or whatever, but that is my way of releasing it. I used to bottle up my feelings. A few years of therapy and I can tell you exactly how I feel. Once it has a name, I can work on it, solve it and move on. Much better life this way. So even if I write something that sounds like I am just going to slit my wrist at any minute. It is just my feelings at the moment. Like I said, I was trained to deal with these things so I do.

Let's see.... strong, open, can express my feelings. I think those are good things, yes?

I worry about H in this though. I think he is a lot like I was in that he can't express himself too well and bottles things up. Then he will explode. I have tried to apply what I know to him but I think once he gets back from his dad's this summer, I will start him in therapy. Couldn't hurt.

Let's see what else? Fun. I think I am fun. Not all the time but a lot. Like once, I bought silly string, just because and we had a blast with it. Sometimes I get water balloons (ooohhh maybe I will get those today). Last weekend, I got the hose out and was water my grass (and dirt). Well the boys came out so I started spraying them. They loved it.

I also try to show them that you can do anything you want. I went to school for over 4 years and worked and raised them. We moved cross-country... twice during this time and I became a single mom. They saw all that (okay L won't remember most but I hope the foundation is still there).

I have told them that they do not have to go to college right away if they do not feel ready. They do have to work (and I do expect them to go when they are ready, like me). I put a lot of value on work(ing). There are so many different types of jobs and things that can be classified as work. But, if you do nothing (and I mean NOTHING) and are able to work. Well that is just ..... well I don't respect it. Like I said, many things are working but I have known people that literally do nothing all day. TV, video games and they do not move much from that one spot. Not a good thing at all.

I think I will always work. I like to work. Even if I didn't have to, I think I would find something to do. Volunteer probably with either animals or children or both.

I also put a lot of value on learning. I think learning should happen for life and doesn't have to take place in a classroom or structured environment. It can happen by reading, by exploring, researching and by asking questions. Anyway, I think education and learning is important!

Okay so I could probably go on and on with this subject, hence the need for part three.

In general, I think I'm a pretty good mom. I have some strengths and I know my weaknesses. In this I can improve or just know my kids are doomed. Either way I think they are pretty good kids.

So stay tuned for more. Oh and I know I said the next one was going to be about female role models but I decided to do it this way. Better to shot from the hip.

Role Models - Part One

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. With their dad living in Dallas and us in Houston, the 4+ hour drive is a huge distance. With the potential for him to be moving yet AGAIN! I was talking to him today and he said that there was a manager position opening in both Minnepolis and .... well I don't remember the other, Omaha, maybe? All I know is he is going to at least apply and the last time he applied he was the second choice but of course that doesn't mean much. If you're not first, you're last. Right Ricky Bobby?

So since July of last year, he has seen the kids for Labor day, Mid-October, Mid-November, Christmas, Mid-February, March for a week of Spring Break and then April 20-22th when I went to Dallas. This is actually just about every month... but 7 times in 10 months.... Well wow, that's not a lot when your kids are still young and need you, right?

My kids do have role models. My dad, Uncle J, a few of my male cousins who are like brothers and then of course there are my brothers. Though neither of them are here now, they are great role models. My bro, B, is in Iraq. My other bro, J, is in Colorado. Both have kids and both are great dads. I have some friends that could be great role models too. Not just the guy(s) in the relationship but the gal too. My friends B and S are an amazing couple. I don't get to hang out with them much at all but would love to and I think it would be great to be around them with the kids. They are great parents and I truly admire their relationship with each other too. A good couple role model if you will.

See my kids didn't have the best role model of what a relationship should be. We went back and forth about staying together, getting a divorce.... and back and forth and back and forth. At some point you just don't recover from that. Not just that but we didn't fight well. We never seemed to solve anything or at least be able to move on. And, when I say we, I mean him. Yeah, yeah.... its usually the woman but he was the worst grudge holder and would bring stuff back up after I thought it was dead. Well after so many of these fights, I started doing it. I hated this! But, at least I was now fighting on his level. I know, I know two wrongs don't make a right.... but it still felt good.

Sorry, back on track.

Going forward, I will make sure the people I introduce to my children are people I think are good role models. Now when I say that, it is in my eyes they are a good role model and I am pretty critical. I am the judge and jury on who is around my children. This goes for both male and female role models.

My children are my life right now and I want to make sure they are safe and secure, and that they know what a relationship looks like and what not to take in one. You should be happy, period. Not just settle.

Next time: Female Role Models and me.

Today's Horoscope

Just checking my quickie on Yahoo (they have the quickie and the full one)....

Fuzzy thinking is not acceptable right now. Focus on what you need in life.


More on my fuzzy thinking, what is not acceptable and what I need later!!!! I have to think about what I want to say.

Almost Summer

Just a few more weeks of school and then the kiddos go with daddy for most of the summer. What am I going to do with myself? Oh I have plans....

For one I get to work more. I don't mind doing some extra. I like to work most of the time. I mean we all have off days, right? And, sometimes I drag a bit in the morning (not exactly a morning person)... but by the time I get there and get to working, I'm good.

Another thing I would like to do is clean my house, but not just clean, I want to clean out the closest, the shed, the cabinets. There is just junk all over this tiny little house!

Another thing I would like to do is paint. But, not like my house, but get some canvas and just paint. Now by no means am I an artist, just more like a wannabe because EVERYONE in my family seems to be an artist. I am not. I guess I shouldn't say everyone, my dad isn't.... and his mom isn't.... I take after them in many, many things.

What else? I don't think I will be able to but I would like to travel a bit. I want to go see my bro, SIL and nephews in Colorado this summer. I will have a new nephew soon! #3 for my bro and SIL. That is the only must go to place.... anything else would be just extra.

I also hope to have more free time to see Goofball because I don't have to worry about the kiddos. He has a tight schedule but at least I can be open for 2mths for whenever he wants to see me. :)

Other things.... ??? I just don't know! Anything I want.

I am going to miss those kids like crazy but I will not call them. They know how to call me. This is there time with dad. They don't get much so I won't interfere. I will miss K's and L's bday.... I will send them their gifts and will call them but I won't go up there to see them. Again this is their dad's time.

Sooo just a few weeks and I will have free time! Whoohooo! and again, I know I will be missing them like crazy but it is only 2 mths out of a year. I have them the rest of the time.

I'm not a bitch.... all the time!

So the ex isn't feeling good (tummy ache). I think he is also a bit depressed. He called me twice today, just to chat. He sounds pathetic and as much as I would have liked to just tell him to kiss it, I talked to him both times.

See I have a thing for the misfit, underdog, helpless type. Give me your sick, your tired. I will baby them, nurse them, nurture them. I'm pathetic that way. Call me a mother or a woman or maybe just nuts.

Once a upon a time, I was dating this guy named Craig. It was pre-marriage. We dated for about 3mths, broke up because we really didn't like each other enough not to see other people. Well anyway during this 3mths, he got really sick (like had to be in the hospital for a few days and then on bed rest for at least a week). I took care of him. One day when he was feeling better, he said, "You have a good bedside manner..... Thanks."

Anyway, the ex was babbling on and on about how he keeps making mistakes and he keeps missing things and just babble really. I have no idea.... that is why I think he is depressed but doesn't realize it right now.

Of course on some levels I care. I truly worry about his sanity. He isn't a bad guy in that I think he would go nutso on me or the kids, but I think he could definitely become a hermit. The crazy guy that just grunts at you when he passes you on the street. Snapping about the price of grapefruit. He is definitely the type to check out of reality.

Sooo anyway, for the sake of my kiddos (they do need a dad even a somewhat absent one), I talk to him. I get along with him and well heck, it is who I am.

I am a bitch... or I say I can be one, but mostly I am not.

Pretty good weekend

So what started off with a sad thing, ended very well.

Saturday we had a family reunion with my mom's side of the family. That was fun! I spend a lot of time with my aunts and cousins on my mom's side but not her cousins or their kids, etc. Some of the family I hadn't seen in a long time, some I had never met. It was fun! My mom and one of her sisters (she has 4 sisters). They did a great job.

Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to dinner. Good day. Also got to spend some extra time with my mom's oldest sister, as we (me and the kids) picked her up and took her to the reunion.

Then on to Sunday, went to my parents. Played cards, kids swam a little, had some lunch. Done.

Then Sunday night, got to see Goofball. We did dinner, his buddy's house and then headed to my house for some goodnight kisses. He is adorable but shhhh don't tell him! It will just feed his ego. (ha,ha). Seriously he looked great and I want to tell him because I don't want him to think he has to be anymore than himself with me. I like him as is. (Did ya get that? Just as you are)

Anyway, then I even got to work early this morning! Got a ton done and I am feeling really good..... except I'm sleepy. Sometimes I worry that I will not wake up for work (which never happens) so I kept waking up to make sure the alarm was set and to check the time. Duh!

Next possible match on the schedule wheel of fortune for Goofball and me is May 11th. Hope I can make it without exploding (lol).

Anyway, I can hopefully keep this momentum going all week!!!

Sometimes being a grown-up SUCKS

Plain and simple.

Short story: I do not have the dogs anymore.

Long story: I knew that I couldn't keep them. I just do not have the energy, the time or the money it would take to care for them. I had to make (or pick) a decision (whatever!). It was hard. I got the pups loaded up in the car. They were so good on the way there. No whining, no barking, no jumping around. I'm sure they were scared to be in the car but the trusted me. (whah!). I got to the SPCA. Got them out, walked in.... All three of us had racing hearts. Mine was beating so hard, I started to have ringing in my ears. I wanted to run out with them but too late I was committed. The lady took the first one..... I wanted to shout, "noooo he is mine!" but I let her. She came back for the second..... and then it was over. Thank Gawd I still had my sunglasses on. I was crying a little bit.

When it is a better time in my life, I will get a dog. I will be ready for that commitment. I know it isn't easy to care for a dog.... It is a mostly give relationship. Yes there is the companionship but come on, it can't do the dishes, mow the lawn or paint my toe nails..... so really, its me caring completely for it.

And, as I mentioned here..... I have had to give up a lot of pets. I just thought the next time I had a dog(s), I wouldn't have to give them up. These are not ones that I decided to get, they got me. But still....

The decision was to listen to my heart (keep them) or my head (give them up)....So if I made a decision or I just picked the smarter of the two, it doesn't matter because the point is I had to do the grown-up thing and that just plain sucks!

Climbing out of the fog

I have been living in the land of the Blahs for far too long. My head is finally feeling a bit clear. I realized, I have been walking around like this for a while. I found my motivation too. It was cowering in the corner whimpering! I gave it a cookie and it was back.

But, now that I am feeling more normal again, wow what a mess I have made of things!

Here is where I need to cut myself a break a little bit. I have been buried at work for a while now. Stress, pressure and the fear of not getting this job have taken their toll on me. I'm tired everyday when I get home... No wait, pass tired and head straight to pure exhaustion. I have been snappy with the kids, the cats, Goofball. Its just crazy!

The pressure at work is pretty bad. The guy I work with, J, keeps saying things like, "Why isn't this done yet?" Because I have a lot of things to do, I don't just support you... (Okay I don't say it like that but...) "Well you know that multi-tasking is a big part of doing this job, if you can't do it....." He gives me 90% of my work, the rest of my work doesn't stop at 10%..... No, no! I have several things that I do that are almost full time jobs in and of themselves. So I am basically doing 2 full time jobs.

A person can only multi-task so much. At some point things will fall. Things have fallen and I am now being micromanaged even more than I already was. Ugh!

However, I will say.... I am human. It happens. All I can do is admit the mistake, apologize and make an effort to correct it from happening in the future.

I'm a sucker

for big puppy eyes.

So K came home from school and was all excited about some puppies that were at the bus stop this morning. And then that someone's uncle had just seen them. So off went the neighborhood gang to find them. The leader was my little darlin'.

No dice. Shwooo! (or so I thought).

K had to go to Youth Group. No bigs. No pups. Well about 30 mins later one of the boys drops the pups off and disappears.

Crap!

They are doll babies! (I will post pics later) They aren't really puppies. By the look of their teeth, I would guess at least 9 mths old. They are small, not much bigger than my cats. Both boys though at first I didn't see the thingy on the very hairy boy. Thank Gawd that they are both boys! No new puppies, right?

Well my Fave Aunt came to my rescue with some dog food and what I thought was good support. Let them back out, they are more comfortable there. So we tried that. Good they left.... or so we thought.

I went out to the back yard to check the lights, back door and shed (normal night routine). Well here they come! Just happy as can be... saying "Helllllooooo...."

Soooo now they are in my laundry room sleeping. Eek gawd what the heck am I going to do with them?

I would just let them back out but 1. my fence is broken and 2. we are in for some storms tonight. I will make a decision on them later. Keep them, keep one or take them both to the SPCA.

Commercials

I have a heartburn with most marketing. I would love to get into Marketing myself and have always been obsessed with it. A lot of the times, I would rather watch the commercials than the show. The ex used to complain that I would always talk to him during the show/game but once the commercials were on I wouldn't talk. Yeah, its true. Ha, ha.

Anyway, my oldest son is home sick. I am home with him waiting to take him to the doctor. There was a commercial for one of the Home Mortgage loan places. "Consolidate and save" or "Home Equity Loans and save"..... He said we should do that. I asked what, he said save money. Yes I agree but not that way.

Then there are the medical commercials for varies drugs/meds. Now don't get me wrong, I am all about medical research and glad we have so many choices to help people or at least get some relief for the moment. However, do we really need to have these commercials on..... all the time! My oldest used to say she needed all of them. She would just hear the commercial and now she needed it. If you watch TV, you know most of these commercials are for sexual problems.... either something you have or something you can't do. Ya know? Ummm, sweetie-girl, I don't think you have that problem.

And, do our children really need to know what a tampon does? I mean I didn't really know about them until I needed them and how did I learn about them then? The old-fashioned way of going to the store and buying them, reading the instructions and trial and error. Ouch....

There are things that should be advertised, like maybe new food items or events in the area but there are just some things that I don't want to see and I don't want my children to see. Is that too much to ask?

Always a Mom

So we had the Girls Only Weekend. It was a blast! We always have fun. I'm glad I went and can't wait to start planning on the next one! (There is already some buzz and talk).

But, here is the thing, I am always in "mom" mood.... or so I have learned.

Exhibit one: We went shopping on Saturday. I noticed myself doing head counts all the time. Something I am always doing since I am always out numbered (3 kids - 1 mom).

Exhibit two: Not only was I doing a head count but I was usually one of the last in the group. I wasn't the only, thank gawd! or I would have felt really bad. The couple of us in the back commented about this.... We had to make sure nobody was left behind.

Exhibit three: We went to a bar Saturday night. It was great! I ordered a drink called Sex on the Street because I wanted to tell people that I went to Dallas and had Sex on the Street. Ha, ha! See not always a mom.... but here is the mom part. There was a live band. The guitarist's shoe was untied. Yes, folks, that's right. I had to fight the urge to go tie his shoe and no not because he was cute.... Just because as a mom if I see a shoe untied, I want to tie it.

Laugh its okay. I don't mind. At least I didn't try to cut any one's food or spit on a napkin to clean their face. Right? That's something, isn't it?

Heading to Dallas

But first had HMS! It is Friday, hello! Yes Goofball decided to come keep me company while I waited to go to Dallas. I'm so glad because I like him even if he now knows that I am crazy. I'm sure he will forgive me my craziness because I'm just that good. And, hey this is the first time he has seen me like this in 10 months..... I have been depressed before but he hasn't seen me like this. Big difference. I get real snappy and impatient. Otherwise I'm just quiet. Right?

Anyway, so I'm about to go pull the kids from school early so I can get to Dallas at a fairly decent time. I don't want to miss the drunk fest this evening with my girls!

I am, however, dreading the drive. As I am in this funk, it will make it miserable for me. I will be using all my "Sailor" words as I yell at other drivers, I am sure. The kids will be covering their ears in disgust (well H will be giggling and saying that's right dumbass!.... He takes after his mommy. I am so proud.)

Caught on the flip side.... or err, I mean back on Sunday.

On the road again

..... I CAN wait to get on the road again. I'm so tired this week! I think I'm having a little bit of depression (could be the start of PMS?).

The problem with my depression is nothing really has to trigger it and I just kinda feel blah for a few days.... either some solid sleep or a good cry will make it go away. If it is PMS than there are a few things that will help.... sex or just having AF arrive.

Either way I'm Dallas bound tonight for a Girls Only Weekend. I will drop the kids with their daddy-o and I will be free for a few days. Not a work trip, just a fun trip!

UPDATE: Not on the road yet! I may still go tomorrow but for now, not.

Horoscope for today

I just thought this was kind of cool. Kinda like a fortune cookie. Does this not totally speak to me or what?!?!?!

Past heartbreak has given you a strong mental clarity. You know what you need.

I know exactly what I need! Someone that is respectful, thoughtful and doesn't treat me like dirt. No wait, that doesn't treat me lower than dirt! Someone who is interesting and actually likes to do things even if it is nothing (like just drive around or go for a walk just because it is something!).

I need someone who is just the completely opposite of the guy I was with. And, now I know that.

First my motivation, now my mind!

Has anyone seen my brain? I have misplaced it. Maybe if I get it back, I will find my motivation.

I have been crazier than usual. I am having trouble remembering my children's names. I recently called L by K's name, Sebastian our cat was called L and when telling H that I wasn't talking to him that I was talking to L.... I actually said, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to H." Umm, totally duh moment! He couldn't control his laughter. It was in front of my parents. My dad looked worried, my mom was laughing so hard I thought she was going to choke on her food. And really a lot of that is normal. Comedians often joke about it but still!!!

Things that used to be easy decisions are 20x harder. 1% milk or 2?? I always buy 1%, why the question in my mind? Why is it so hard? Just pick one that isn't expiring soon! Go to Dallas or not? Ummm, should be easy, right?

Then there are things like forgetting my watch. I never, ever forget to put my watch on. I did yesterday. Not putting mail in my mail box, even though it is laying right there in plain sight, with my keys, with my purse.

When I got home from NOLA, my dad asked if I could run by my house really quick to pick something up for him. I walked in the house and started straighting up and then started to leave. Almost completely forgeting the whole reason I was there in the first place.

If there was ever a question that I just need a down weekend. A weekend to just escape, this is the weekend! I will not hop back on the "am I going/not?" fence. I am firmly on the going side.

If you are a praying person, please pray for my brain to come home. Please?

Not surprising

The ex and his girl broke up. Well he says they are still friends but he has moved back into his apartment. I am not surprised by this at all. He had text messaged me last week just as I was heading to the airport. I knew something was up. Well he just called me at work and we talked for a while, almost an hour. About my trip, work, his work, the kids, the kids' schedule for the summer, this coming weekend and he also told me that he was back in his apartment. She wanted more than he wanted to give.

I guess that he wasn't completely on board with the whole getting married thing, from what he says. He just wanted to move in with her to have a little more financial security. Uh-Huh.... Right. But, that's his story and he is sticking to it. Actually, just knowing him like I do, I am sure that is part of it, a huge part of it but not all.

Here is my predication though..... They will get back together at least one more time if not start a whole cycle of this break up/get back together thing. This is the second time so far that it has happened. I fully expect them to marry someday too.

For my children's sake, I hope I'm wrong. I hope that he can actually meet someone that better fits him and he actually falls in love with her. The reason I don't like this girl is she just seems too immature and I want my children's stepmom to be a support in raising them.

Same if they ever have a stepdad. They don't need a dad or a mom. They have one of each but the person I pick for myself had better know that he is my partner and is partnered in guiding my children in the same ways a teacher would be.

And, to all you single moms out there, like my ex's "friend", do not rush into a relationship because you think you need a man in your life. Men are great! I like the one I see but I'm not rushing anything.... But, I am a strong person. I know I was complaining about needing help in my blog recently. Yes, I totally do! But, it is more of a "nice-to-have", not a must because I can do these things. I have been doing them for a while now. And the few things I can't do, I can ask for help

Oh and on that note, it reminds me of a conversation with K lately. She and my niece were comparing things. (S's dad is my brother, the one in Iraq) S said, "My dad taught me to tie my shoes." K said, "My mom taught me" S said, "My dad taught me to ride my bike." K said, "My mom taught me".... and on the conversation went. Then K said, "I can't think of much that my dad taught me." I said, "There were things but he worked a lot and wasn't home a lot. It was mostly me." She said she remembers that and she said thanks.

H usually credits his dad for things but really a lot of it was me or when it was his dad, it was me saying, "You need to play with him." Sad but true.

Most of L's memories are going to be of us separated/divorced because I left his dad when he had just turned 3. He is almost 5 now.

Back to my message to women, single women.....

Be strong women. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your kids. If you can do those things, then men will be a nice to have and you can enjoy them a whole lot more.

No motivation

Did someone steal my motivation? Maybe I lost it on my trip? Where ever it is, I need it back!

I think my problem is I'm still tired from my trip, from my weekend and well just trying to get back in the routine of it all. Ugh!

I am sure once I get some more sleep and get fully in my routine (I'm a routine girl!), then things will fall in place but until then, if you find my motivation, could you kindly send it back to me?

Oh and I'm still smiling today, maybe even a little giggly too. Just thought everyone would like to know that!

Only bad thing today, one sick kid possibly another. I am going to call and see how that one is doing. He just seemed extra sleepy this morning so I'm hoping that is it and nothing else.

Beads!

Sometimes you don't have to flash your boobs to get them! Sometimes you are just cute enough to get them.

I had a great night and even though I started out cranky and whiny. I am smiling and probably (or is it prolly) will be for a long while.... Which is good considering I might not get to see him for a few weeks. The next "match" on the schedule wheel might be April 27th..... Not 100% sure his schedule.

That is if I don't make it to Dallas this weekend. If I don't make it, then I have available the 20th and 22nd.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

And, here is a confession, I'm sure he will feel bad but I have to remind him, I made a choice. It was my choice and I decided what I wanted. Him (you). Anyway, I was so cranky this afternoon because I was bone tired. I ached to my core I was so tired. But, I wanted to see him so very badly.... and I cursed myself the whole way, "What the f$%# am I doing?" The other side of me answered, "You need to see him." and it was right. As soon as I saw him, all of that melted away and I wasn't tired anymore.

Well since the tired is catching me now that I'm home, I am going to hit the bed.

I am going to put my beads in a very special place and when I see them I will smile and remember tonight.

I'm back!

Trip was good. Event was very successful! I can't wait to get back on Monday so that I can hear what others thought.

Some things I know about myself after this trip.

1. Even though I don't see Goofball too often (about 3x a month.... during a good month), I still missed him like crazy while I was gone. I think it was just not having a lot of internet time and knowing I was miles and hours away.

2. I'm a bad mom. Okay not bad but a bit selfish. I didn't call the kids the whole time I was gone! I did the same this past summer when they were gone for a couple of weeks and did the same at Spring Break. I like my time off from being a mom. It doesn't happen often so when it does, I try to take advantage.

3. I have a good sense of direction!

4. And, well I'm a stronger person than I thought I was. I mean I knew I was strong in many ways, but I haven't traveled for work before and I was worried I would have an anxiety attack or wouldn't be able to sleep. No anxiety attacks. Didn't have trouble sleeping. I had a great time.

Anyway, more blogs to follow soon. I'm just happy to get back in to my routine!

Hello from New Orleans

Hey y'all!

So I'm here in NOLA and so far having a great time! We didn't work yesterday because our flight was delayed a bit, then shuttle to the hotel took a while and then traffic. So we got to the hotel, chilled for a little bit and then grabbed some lunch. Back to the hotel for a bit.... late dinner.

It was fun just walking around the French Quarter yesterday.

I have only been here once and it really shouldn't count because we only kind of drove through. The ex had looked at a transfer here versus Fargo in 2003..... We didn't care for it then and decided Fargo was the winner.

Anyway, loving it! Missing having internet 24/7 though..... It is weird how much I miss it, but I think it is the people I miss not so much the internet. Some people I talk to daily and is my main form of communication with them. Sad but true!

Oh and I'm totally going to gain 10 pounds before I get home! Goooood foood! Had fried oysters last night.... Wish I could have had a whole plate of those babies! Then gumbo was lunch. Totally yum-o.

Well that's my NOLA update. Be back soon!

Out for the week

I will not be blogging this week! I will be out of town for work. Whoohoo.

Kids with my mom and the cats.... well the kids and my mom will go over twice a day to check on them. This is mostly because the kids will still be riding the bus each morning and afternoon.

Soooooo don't miss me too much! I doubt I will be back writing until Sunday of next week.

Have a good week, readers. Oh and wish me luck! We have a huge event happening on Friday that just has to go great (not perfect, nothing is perfect!)

Happy Easter

I thought I would share our Easter Eggs with everyone. The kids had fun. L especially enjoyed it and he colored the most.

We have done not much today. Just been lazy and its been perfect! We were planning to go one of my cousin's houses but nobody else was going so we didn't go.

The kids each got a new beach towel, a stuffed bunny, chocolate bunny and then some misc stuff.

I got a lecture from my dad about religion. My boys don't know the story of Easter. Well I don't expect L to remember from last year but H should know because we have talked about it. So later today, I will be telling them all the story. Maybe with K for help. I'm not a church person. I prefer my religion more personal.

L had a party at day care on Thursday (school was closed on Friday). Someone made those eggs with confetti in them. L, being 4 1/2, had never seen them before. So being the mom I am.... I let him bust them in the house.

As you can see it was quite a mess! This is just a small part of it. He threw them at a wall in my room.

And this is Big Bear. He had to get in on the fun too! L thought he would look good like this.

I think he does!

Most of the confetti is cleaned up but there are still bits of it here and there. I keep vacuuming but it is still there.

Oh well, I made a memory and made my boy smile. That is all that matters to me.

I need a "wife"....

or at least a domestic helper or a stay-home-husband or something! ACK!

My house feels like chaos. The kids need more structure than I can give them alone and dinner needs to be .... well better.

I am not opposed to being the sole breadwinner in a relationship. I like to work! Of course we all have days we don't want to but overall I enjoy working. I would love to be the one to go off to work and then come home to a clean house, supper and happy kids who aren't out doing who knows what and me being one step from the edge with worry that I'm going to get *that* phone call. (of course I wouldn't mind being a dual-income household either but still.... an extra set of grown up hands would be nice!)

And anyway, I'm so not a good housewife. I'm not very domestic. I mean I can clean my house and do but I'm not organized enough to keep it that way all week plus the kids are working against me. I think they are on a mission or maybe they just like the mess.

Also, I can't seem to get organized enough to cook dinner for us every single night. Well I do okay with it and I try really hard but I don't always make good meals. It is usually something easy and convenient. I use shortcuts as often as possible (boil in bag rice because I don't have to measure which equals thinking). I would love to cook from scratch more and I would like to good better foods.... but conveniences wins every time.

I am also a bit worried about my kids too. It would be nice to know that someone was here when they got home from school. This way there is some one here to make sure they get home, get homework done, and when they go outside, someone knows they aren't just running wild all over the place. Currently things are just chaotic in this department. Sometimes they will come straight home, sometimes they do their homework but mostly they are just running wild in the neighborhood.

Now granted I can't afford to hire a nanny or domestic helper of any kind right now. And, I'm not even in the market for a new husband..... I'm opposed to it someday and for the right reason, love not convenience. But by then the kids will probably be grown.

I just need to break the chaotic feel of the evenings and days. Get more organized and hope for the best. Until then we just do the best we can and we get by. The kids know I love them and I'm here for them. In many ways, I'm a great mom and in others.... well I just need help is all! :)

Took kids to work

Today was Good Friday, schools closed, day care closed but mom had to work. I figured since this company does a 9/80 schedule (half the office is off on Friday) and it being Good Friday, that few people would be in the office. So I decided I would take just L to work... well that turned into taking both boys and just as we were leaving this morning, K woke up and said she was going.

Okay fine.

Then turns out my supervisor brought in her oldest daughter so thank goodness that I wasn't the only one and actually I saw a few other people with kids there today.

And even though we were there from 7:30 - 3, they were surprisingly good. There were moments I was almost regretting bringing them in but in the end it worked out great!

I don't know that I would do it again anytime soon but it wasn't the disaster I was sure it was going to be.

Then a job update. You may or may not remember this is a temp job for me and I have been hoping for it to go perm..... The process is that they have to post the job, meaning that it is open and anyone can apply. Then they do the interview process and then the selection. Meaning I have to do all of that and meaning that I could lose this job. I found out today that one of the other contractors (different department) was just replaced. She applied but didn't get the job. Yikes!!!!

So anyway my supervisor was working on getting the job in the system yesterday and today she was finishing up the last steps. So I will be applying and hoping for the best. All I can do at this point is my best. I have worked really hard and a lot of people recognize that and compliment me. But, in the end, someone could come along that "looks" better. This job has also had a lot of turnover and they said I am the longest person to stay. That could be a good sign, right?

Then this coming week, I will get to travel for work! To NEW ORLEANS!!!! I cannot wait. I'm hoping this means that they want to keep me but again, no guarantees. Just wishing and hoping.

I will keep you all updated.

Love the Skin you are in!

Thanks Aimee, at GreebleMonkey for posting this on your blog! Love ya! And, this chic is so speaking my language!

Batman is human

I am human. You are human. However, humans can do great things.

Batman is considered a superhero, yet he was just human and had no super powers. Despite that he did great things. The story goes that he saw his parents murdered when he was a child. He went on to become a crime fighter. No super powers, just pure human willpower.

Batman has always been one of my favorites because of this. Sure Superman could fly, Iceman could make enough ice for a party, Wolverine could slice and dice..... But, Batman, now Batman was the man!

So next time you are thinking, "I'm just human." Think of Batman and know that we just have to have strength, willpower and a really cool car to get through it. Okay maybe not the car but hello the BatMobile?!?! And, don't even get me started on the BatCave!

"Same Bat time, Same Bat Channel"

My kind of dessert....

Now don't get me wrong, I like ice cream. I like cake. I like cookies, brownies, candy but given a choice.... I would pick fresh berries with either yogurt, cottage cheese or maybe some fat free whipped cream any day. Sometimes I will even put a few walnuts or almonds over the top. Yum! This bunch of strawberries was yum-o.

Watching the storm

My cats watching the storm on Saturday. Aren't they pretty!? He is actually bigger than her but you can't tell in this picture. He is the lighter one, she, of course, is the darker one.

Just Zoe....

Just Sebastain as it started to clear....

Astros Opening Day

Its Baseball season!!!!! And, the Astros play their season opener today. Oswalt is on the mound against the Pirates.

I won't be home in time to see the game from the beginning but hoping I can get settled in for most of it.

I usually don't get home until 6:00-ish anyway.... and today gotta go to the store for cat food. Thankfully what I feed them doesn't have the wheat glutten in it so hopefully we are good for food.

Soooo anyway, go Stros!!!!!

And, just an update on the NAScar season. Dale Jr. has not won a race yet but has done well. He has moved up in the points to 11th which is really good. Jimmie Johnson, who I don't care for great driver but not my fave, has won 4 out of the 6 races..... or something like that. They are talking about changing the name of Victory Lane to Jimmie Lane. Okay not really but ugh! So the next race is the 15th at Texas Motorspeedway. I cannot wait! I just wish I could go! Some day I will. Someday. (Its on my list.)

Happy April Fools Day

I am not a fan of this day, not that I dislike it completely... Just not a fan. I have never played a really good joke or prank. I have never really had a really good one played on me (mean but not good).

Talking with H this past week, we were discussing the history of April Fool's day. I didn't know it so we were going to look it up.

Here are some pranks. Some are funny. I love the story of the Taco Liberty Bell.

The only thing I can really remember doing for a joke was when I was about 9 or 10. I had one of those plastic spider rings from halloween. How I still had this thing, I don't know. Anyway, I went to my parents' bathroom and I put it in the toilet paper in such a way that when you unroll it, out pops this spider. Then I waited. Later, my mom screamed then laughed.

Mindy, over at Mama Drama, had a good post today. If you haven't read it or have never visited Mama Drama (who has not read this blog!!?? Its awesome).... check it out!

Anyway, be nice, y'all... Paybacks are hell!

Overwhelmed

Now let me start by saying I'm not complaining, okay maybe a little but, hey, I'm human!

So April is shaping up to be quite a month. Let's just start with this. I signed the kids up for sports. K and L both in soccer and H in baseball. Practice for H and L is on Tuesdays at 6:30 -7:30 but on opposite sides of town. How does one mom split herself between two? Doesn't happen of course. I call in back up. Nana helps and so does H's friend's dad. So every Tuesday is just crazy! Then K's practice is on Friday. Games on Saturdays until June 2nd unless they have playoffs.... Then I don't know but it starts cutting in to their summer with dad. Keep in mind games on Saturday, okay?

So starting this coming Saturday (the 7th). Bridal Shower for my cousin (mom's side). Sunday Easter at another cousin (mom's side). Then the 10th go out of town for work, mom has kids (Have fun mom!)..... Come back from NOLA on Saturday morning the 14th. Try to get to all the kids' games we can before yet another cousin's wedding (dad's side). Its in Galveston at 7:00 pm. Ugh! Also that day I have been invited to a 1st bday party for a good friend's son and a baby shower for another friend (her 3rd but this one is a girl!). Can't do it all and this is really where my anxiety is right now. What do I do on Saturday? I really want to blow off the wedding because it is just too much. Over an hour away, we have no clothes for it, the boys are not going to behave at that time of night and then over an hour home at night, in the dark with cranky kids who will probably go to sleep but still! Ugh! What to do?

Thankfully the 15th NOTHING! Except my parents will have my oldest newphew and nieces so we will probably end up over there unless my parents have had enough kids and noise.

The next week..... Practice on Tuesday for the boys. I plan to take Friday off and head to Dallas on Thursday night. Got a crazy Girl's Only Weekend planned! The kids will be with dad. Sooo they will all miss games, they will probably miss games the week before too.... maybe not all the kids but at least H if we do go to the wedding. So anyway, crazy but good weekend.

Then back to practices on Tuesday and Friday..... Saturday the 28th we have a family reunion in Galveston, over an hour away, mom's side of family.... it is in the middle of the day on Saturday.... Game day so yep either miss the reunion or miss more games. My mom has put so much into making this reunion happen and since I have one brother in Iraq and one in Colorado, I should really go to represent my mom's kiddos. Ya know?

Then May.... First weekend, my cousin that is having the bridal shower on April the 7th will be getting married the first weekend in May. Its an evening wedding and I think on Friday. I'm so happy for her!!!! I can't wait!

So then in May, practices on Tuesdays and Fridays, games on Saturday. Right now we can make all of them, and except for Mother's day there is nothing else planned this month.

Oh and did I mention I'm waiting to hear if my job will become perm or if I will have to move on and find another?.... I hate waiting.

Then L has speech therapy every Friday (except for this past one and not on Good Friday either).

Oh and also my 4th nephew will be born sometime in May!! That is big news but he will be in Colorado so it won't have the same type of time impact that it would if they lived here. But still big news.

Anyway, as I think of all I have to do, I feel a bit overwhelmed. Its not really bad but it is a balancing act for sure. If only I could decide what to do the weekend of the 14th. That is going to be a really rough day. I really want to blow off the wedding. I'm already not on my aunt's "good list."

Decisions, decisions, decisions.....

This blog

I intended to use this blog to clear my head. Once a upon a time I wrote poems to vent my feelings. Now it is this blog, well but the blog is really more than that! I get to share bits of myself, not just vents, not just thoughts.

Granted I do censor myself a tiny bit, but I do really try to be open and honest. I think I represent myself that way and maybe more because in person I might be reserved, quiet, and more withdrawn because you can see me! lol. It is a weird thing and just the introvert in me, I like to people watch and be the wallflower. I'm happy that way.

Why am I writing this? Because I have read a few blogs about mommy bloggers being attention whores. Well maybe so but here is my take on that! This is the Internet, if you don't speak up, don't get your name out there and flash the audience, you aren't seen. Period. So what's the problem? Is it that many, many of the mommy bloggers talk about their kids? Umm, duh? What's the problem? If the description of the blog is about children or the author says she has children, what do you think you are going to get?

There are some amazing writers out there and I applaud them all. I want to throw some names out but it would just skim the surface of the blogosphere. It would not even be fair. And don't even get me started on the daddy bloggers. Some really good dad's out there too.

So for all the bloggers out there! I say keep up the good words/works!! I respect you all for the things you share. I read a lot of them but sometimes don't jump out and comment.... I like my attention but I get it when and where I need it.

Movie Review - Eragon

Okay so I'm not a fantasy or medieval type of movie gal. I like Fluffy chic flicks. At least for the most part. Sometimes I step out of that comfort zone and watch something else. My profile states my faves are You've Got Mail, Fools Rush In, The Jerk and Full Metal Jacket. I love Office Space and Old School and Clueless, Legally Blonde, Cheaper by the Dozen (both the original and the new one with Steve Martin), and a million other fluffy chic flicks or goofy comedy movies. But, not much that is too serious or intense, blah, blah, blah.

So on to the movie review. H wanted to watch Eragon so I typed it up in my little Netflix list and bam, right to the door comes a movie for the boy. He doesn't ask for much in the way of movies so I was surprised and gladly got it.

I wasn't planning to watch but L was watching and I just didn't think a 4, nearly 5 year old would/should watch it sooooo I sat in just to answer questions. Explained when things got scary and just in general got sucked right on in to it.

This movie was awesome! I loved it! It goes on the must buy list because I could so watch it again. Really not my thing but it was good.

So that's my review. Good movie, two thumbs up.

Mottoes

My mottoes are: No regrets and Take Risks. I think they go hand in hand.

By taking risks, I feel like I don't sit around and wonder "What if...." What if I did this differently? Or what if I didn't do that, say that? or What if I did say this? However, if I don't do something, I just have to tell myself that I made a choice, a decision. Then not think about it again. Its done!

However, does that mean that I always follow those, nope! Sometimes I don't take risks and sometimes I regret not taking a risk.

So anyway, no regrets and take risks! Life is just too short for anything else!

Pets

I am feeling a bit sad tonight. Sad for my pets of days past. See the ex was not into animals, yet he kept agreeing to get them.

It started with Molly. She was a mutt. She was just a baby when I got her. She was so cool! One night I was home alone and so she was sleeping on the end of my bed. Well something made a noise near the window. She stood and growled deep in her throat, the fur on her back stood on end and she stayed on alert for a while. I just laid there and watched. She slowly relaxed but stayed on alert a bit longer and then finally looked at me with what looked like a smile and a nod, as if to say, "Coast is clear." She feel back to sleep and so did I. Good girl!!! I had her for only 6 months. He tried to kill her for tearing up stuff that he left out (umm duh!) so I found her a new home. Bye Molly.

Then came Dixie and Rebel. They were mini-dachshunds and gee do you think my ex was from the South? Well Dixie got very, very sick and she died. The breeder gave us, no questions asked, Maggie to replace her. We had them for about 17 months but then it was time to move from Florida to Virginia and we were having trouble finding a place to take pets, plus H was about to be born and it was just too much..... I think the real reason is the ex just was lazy and was done. We found a great couple to take them! They had 10 acres of land and a few other wiener-dogs. Maggie soon had 5 pups, she must have really liked her new home. Bye Maggie and Rebel.

At some point while having M&R, we got a cat. He wasn't around long... A month, maybe? Sydney, I think?

I also had a rabbit during this time too. Lee was a pure white rabbit. Again, ex got fed up.... rabbit gone. He turned out to be a she and had several babies! I knew the lady who took him. Bye Lee.

Then we got to VA, and got Scooby. A mixed pup that was just so adorable! We had him for about 6 months. My job was beyond busy and I was working really long hours. Couldn't give him as much attention as he needed, plus, ummm hello the ex never helped, no really! He hated the dog. Bye Scooby.

Then came Gambit. Gambit was an orange tabby cat that we got at the animal shelter! He came with the name. It was love at first site. For all of us, even the ex. Gambit was great, the perfect pet. We had him for 6 years!!! But the reason he is gone is because we were moving to North Dakota. The ex was not willing to look long for a place we could have him. If there are any of the pets I hate him for getting rid of this is the one or two. I think he hates himself for it also. Gambit was just that special. Bye Gambit.

After having G for about 1 year, we got Huskies. We went to get a solid white one because the ex said that was the only kind of dog he had ever wanted! So we got there. No whites that weren't already spoken for. We got to looking and picked out two. Yes two. Beau was a red/white and Anna was gray/black/white.... the kind that looks a lot like a wolf. They were awesome! I loved these dogs so much. Especially Beau. Do you believe soul mates can extend to animals? I do. We had this weird bond/connection. On Dec 22, 1999, they had two pups. One was solid white (he was special too) and the other looked just like mom, oh and both boys. Alas after 18 months-2 years ish, the time was up. We had to move again and again, the ex had blinders on to finding a place we could have the dogs. We took them "temporarily" to his parents. That temp situation lasted far too long, they were adopted out, and in the meantime we got a new dog. Because it was easier to hide a mini dachshund than an 80 lb and 40 lb Husky. Bye Beau, I miss you forever. Bye Anna. Bye Puppies too!

So as I mentioned, we got Baylee. She was another one that I was connected to. I could talk to her like she was a person and she knew what I meant. I told her to clean her toys. She did it. I told her to get a certain toy, she would pass others in search of the special one. I had her doing all kinds of cool tricks! However, if the ex came around, she would pee.... She was soooo scared of him and he hated her. So anyway, we had her from roughly 2000 until Summer of 2002. This is when I had L. She got really nervous around L. Didn't know how to act. One day she freaked and jumped on him by accident and freaked some more because she hadn't meant to jump on him. So I knew the time had come to get rid of her. My aunt agreed to take her. It was a great match! She fit right in over there and had started to relax again. Sadly she hurt her back and soon had to be put to sleep. Bye Baylee. I miss you.

Baylee was the last dog. I just couldn't do it anymore while married to him. At that point, I knew we would not stay together. I just knew it. Then we got rid of Gambit in 2003 (had him from 1997-2003). That really just sealed the deal for me.

But in 2004, he agreed to get me a new cat! But, not just any cat, a Ragdoll! I really wanted one! So we started talking to a breeder and some how got two of them, not just one. Sebastian and Zoe are nearly 3 (in April). The ex is gone now and I still have my cats. Yes as you could have guessed, he got sick of them. I basically took the attitude, "I pick them, loser."

And, now we (the kids and I) are at the point that we really want a dog. We love animals. We want one so bad. We have the yard for it but the house is small and they aren't great at helping me keep it clean but we are working on that.

So tonight I just wanted to give a spiritual shout out to my pets of the past.

Different with different people

Kind of in continuation of my "Let's talk about sex" entry from yesterday..... This is another "Are we different with different people?"

I think so.

During a conversation with Goofball, we were basically saying that we had not seen each others "bad" sides. This is good, I think.

My ex used to say I am evil, he is scared of me, that I was selfish and a total bitch. Niiiice. He has said that for a million years (pretty much sometime during the first year, heck first months of our nearly 13 year marriage). But, I think that is because we actually brought out the worst in each other. That is just the way it was (is). As soon as I get on the phone with him, even now, I can feel that side coming to surface. I hate it!

I think when you are with certain people this is just the case. I mean we are who we are but with certain people, we may feel more at ease or we may feel good or a hundred other things.

I'm a fun person, caring and I'm not typically selfish. I think I'm generally a good person and a good listener and tons and tons of other good stuff. I mean we all have a bad side but it is about who we surround ourselves with and our attitudes that matter.

Someone that brings out the good, good stuff. Someone that brings out the bad, bad stuff.

So while I'm not a bitch exactly, I can surely be one at times.... :)

Let's talk about sex

That's right ladies and gentlemen. Its Hot Monkey Sex Friday (HMSF). In honor of that, I thought.... "Let's talk about it!" especially since I have somethings on my mind that I'm a bit nervous to share with the person I want to share them with and what better way to say it than in a public place.... Kind of like going on a talk show to announce a big secret, right?

So Trapped posted something, and I thought about calling him out on this, then thought better of it and then in the end decided to just do it. Either he will forgive me because I'm damn cute or he won't and at least I had a good blog out of it..... (that is soooo wrong!). But.....

Once upon a time, Trapped posted this. He says women, if you don't like the sex you are getting talk about it. I don't disagree with it! However, I have comments. I have been so swamped busy I didn't really comment fully yet. So since I'm totally and completely frustrated here (doing it myself is just not cutting it anymore)! I haven't had HMS (or any sex any day of the week) for a few weeks. The last time I did was freakin' great but left me just wanting more and more. That's good but bad.

So what do I want to talk about? Well one of the things on my mind is sexual styles and preferences. I think that with different people we have different likes/dislikes. I know I'm not the same with different guys... at least I don't think so. I have limited experience since pre-marriage....back then I had a lot of flings and just one really long relationship (Hi, JJ! Miss you babe.... Hope the fam is well)..... Always different. Then I'm with Goofball and well, all I want to do is kiss him.... well not all I want to do, but I can't stop kissing him long enough to give him what I really, really and I mean really want to! (I know he is out there rolling his eyes saying I don't believe it)..... A BJ. Yep that's right, gawd, I want to do that so bad! Everytime I'm with him I think about it but just can't stop kissing him to do it, well that and nerves.

.... I'm nervous as H.E.L.L! to do it. What if I don't do it well? I have only done that to 3 other guys and I have never (oh.my.gawd.... I can't believe I'm going to admit this).... gotten a one of them to climax (okay my ex-h once but we were having angry sex, that's different, it was right before we filed for divorce.... I think). So does that mean I'm bad or just .... what? My ex(s?) would probably tell you differently because I could get them all damn close but just couldn't get it over that.... whatever. One guy I know for sure I wouldn't have been able to. He had the stamina of a .... I don't know something? But, I was with him for a year and he begged for more. Ugh!

Nuff embarassing myself with BJ talk.... and oh what was my point anyway? I was saying sex styles/preferences. I have never liked being on top. Never really felt good to me. There was one guy I was with that preferred this, fine. I did it with him but it was only okay, did nothing for me. But, I do like most other positions and I am very open to trying new things. I also like rough sex.... Ha, ha... I can hear Goofball laughing! But, its true expect with him so far, I just can't seem to want to have it too rough or hard or wild. I honestly like the way it is with him and I hate it to change, but it will and that's okay because it already has a little bit and it just got better so I am hoping for more of that getting more comfortable with each other to try new things and then maybe I will step out of my "holding back" mode that I'm in and let him see a little more of that side of me......

I can't believe I'm posting all this. I am just waiting for the emails and comments now.... I can see all the people coming here now because they did a search for "sex" and found me. That is another reason I haven't posted this before.

Well hope you were educated. Maybe more than you wanted!! Enjoy HMSF!!

I am the star.

This looked fun. So I thought I would do it. Coool.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Walking a fine line

...... So the kids are back (of course) and K has been talking to me a lot about her dad and his soon-to-be.... While she likes her future step-brother and sister, she is not that thrilled with the step-mom or her dad. See, back in the fall sometime, he promised her he would not get remarried. He said he respected her too much to do that. She told me about it at the time and I tried to say (without putting her dad down too much) that I couldn't make a promise like that because it was unrealistic. I did say that I had no intentions of getting remarried anytime soon but I would hope that someday I would find someone that I loved that much and that I hoped she would want the same for me. We have talked about this a lot actually.

Well she told me that her dad broke that promise and now she cannot trust him. She did say she could trust me. I said are you saying that just to make me happy and because you think that is what I want to her? She looked me right in the face and said no, its the truth. So as we talked, I tried really hard, really hard! not to bad mouth her dad but also to discuss the issue and give respect or validation to her feelings. She can feel that distrust and I explained that was one of the many reasons that we got a divorce because he just couldn't keep promises to me. But, I did say, that does not mean you cannot learn to trust him again and that she really should give him another chance or two or three. You are his daughter and always will be. He loves you and he doesn't mean to do this to hurt you. While he shouldn't have promised you he wouldn't get remarried, he is and you need to give them a chance.

I'm so sad for her that she has found all this out about him. I had really hoped that he would not do this to them (hurt them) but as much as I want to hate him, I am happy that he has found someone that he loves enough to want to marry. He has always had a real knack for hurting the kids with his actions. He does a lot of things without thinking it out. You just do not make unrealistic promises to a child.... or anyone for that matter.

H is hurt by him too. He was sick yesterday and stayed home. He cleaned the whole house. Well it was pretty clean already but he just got all their stuff put away from being away and finished the dishes.... He has been different. Even 4 year old, L has been different. Quiet and won't talk much about the trip/visit. Today he started to say that he was getting a new brother (step-brother),but then stopped like he wasn't suppose to say it. I got him to talk about it and he smiled and sadly, he looked relieved to say something. I really hope the ex didn't tell them not to talk to me or something, or make it seem like it was suppose to be a big huge secret..... something.

When and if it is my turn to get remarried, especially if the kids are still young and living at home, I do not want to hurt them with it. I want them to give their true and honest blessing to me (I would love if the guy asked them for permission first before asking me). I will not be with someone that is going to disrespect my children and will know when things that are said should be kept private (K starting her period, not telling everyone in front of her!). And, being funny is one thing, but teasing in a mean and hurtful way will not be tolerated.

So I am walking that fine line between bad mouthing dad and biting my tongue, smiling and just nodding my head as I listen.

Kids are BACK!!

Nuff said! They missed me a lot. I missed them a lot!

Now we are heading to my parents for lunch, plus my nephew rode up with me to pick them up so I have to return him.

In other news, my poor baby girl. She does not like her dad with his girlfriend. She says he is weird when he is with her and that this girl is mean to her. Bitch! She better not be. It really could be a teenager perspective but I think there is some truth there. It may be a little inflated for my benefit but ya know whatever. Oh and that the ring he got her is really big. K was describing it! I about lost it.... lol! It sounds like the same style as the one he gave me. That would be sooo funny. He gave it to me years ago when I realized we would sometime in the future get a divorce. I knew I didn't love him anymore. I called it the guilt ring. I gave it back to him. What if he just took "my" ring and had hers made from it.

Oh well kids are hungry. Gotta go!

I want to blog but....

.... I don't seem to have as much time. I should! I don't have the kids. I don't have school. I have been busy at work but I don't normally bring work home (for many, many reasons). But, I think that with work being sooo busy, the last thing I want to do in the evening is be on the computer.

Anyway, I have been reading blogs but not replying. I have tons of blog entries in the works.

But, for now, just know that all is well and I am enjoying my break from the kiddos, enjoying being out of school.

More soon!

The ex is getting remarried

Not surprising but still a bit of a shock. I have been expecting this call for a while. He basically said that now that the kids have met her and her kids, it was time for them to get engaged. He did go on to say neither of them want to get married right now but in a few years. Yeah, right?

So how should one feel about this? I think what I feel is normal..... I am happy for him because she sounds like she really "gets him" and she has made some positive (yet weird to me) changes in him. But, on the other hand, this is someone I was with for 13 years and for him to move on so fast. Wow. Its a bit weird.

I still look to my Aunt A for the model of what a single mom should look like. I haven't talked about this yet but she is my idol! My hero in single motherhood. She took care of my cousin and waited until he was grown to find that special someone. Now I'm not saying I will wait that long but my kids come first, period. If I find someone and it just clicks and blah, blah, yadda, yadda.... well great but if not, I am willing to wait on the right time.

My point is I don't feel a rush or need to meet someone and get hitched just because he is. I'm a competitve soul but this is one thing I can deal with losing at. Why? because if I rush and it doesn't work then what do I have? Another divorce? Yep! Not doing that again. If (big if) I get remarried, I want it to be for love and nothing else. Not money, not a baby (like the first) or because I'm lonely.

It must be the right reason. Period.

Day Three without the kids

Its a work day so that will keep me really busy. Actually should be a busy week! We have our Houston College Recruiting event to get ready for. I'm actually really excited though I might whine a little this week about being so busy..... but overall I love this stuff!

The race at Vegas yesterday did not go well for Dale Jr. Now I don't remember what place he finished in but it couldn't have been good. He was doing great all day, was in the top 10 most of the race. Around lap 14 there was a caution which means a lot of people will make pit stops..... but the track officials will usually keep the pit lane closed until all the cars cirlce back around. He didn't realize it was closed and went in..... There was another driver in front of him and he pitted too but that was because he had trouble with his car, that is the only reason they could pit when it is closed. There was yet another driver behind Dale but he realized at the last second that pit lane was closed and was able to get back on the track. Sooooo anyway, Dale had to move from 5th to last place. Yikes! With only a few laps to go, I'm sure he didn't gain too many places. And, to top it all off Jimmie Johnson won. Great driver but I'm not a fan.

Then I got to see Goofball last night and wow, just had a good time. No an awesome time. We played Burnout on Playstation 2..... I love that game! He also agreed to watch the video scrapbook that my parents' made for me when I turned 30 (4 yrs ago)...... I thought that was pretty darn cool of him to watch it. And, in between that was just hung out and talked. I don't know yet when I will get to see him again but I'm sure that we will find some time in the next couple of months.

Overall I have a smile on my face and I'm tired as hell but ready to get down to work!

Thanks, Goofball for a good evening. Can't wait until next time.

Day Two without the kids

Not that I am counting.... okay maybe a little. I love the break I am getting and I'm soo glad they get time with their dad but I am missing them like crazy.

So day one went great. I finally, finally found a comforter that I like, no love. It was on sale and got some sheets (which weren't originally on my list) for more than half off.... ($120 -> $40).

Then I got some new blinds for most of the windows. There are 3 main windows: Living room, K's bedroom and my bedroom. And, they all needed new blinds. I got the 2" Faux wood ones. The cat will have a MUCH harder time bending these all to hell.

Had an appt at the salon. Niiiice. Gotta love "me" time.

Went to the store, got just a small cart of stuff.

Came home and cleaned like crazy. Ate a nice dinner in bed while watching a movie (Little Miss Sunshine..... because I am that far behind on movies).

Today is shaping up like this. I'm about to head over to Target. Why? Vacuum cleaner. Mine broke. It was a second-hand one from my mom. If I don't find one fairly cheap though, I might just try to fix this one yet again.

Then dad will be over to help me with the blinds.

More cleaning.

NASCar is in Vegas, baby! Gotta watch at least part of the race, if not all of it.

Then get ready for my evening. What is this evening? Goofball. Nuff said.....

Hope everyone has a great Sunday..... and don't forget about the time change.

Day one without kids

Today is day one. I have tons planned but yet I am sitting here blogging. Yeah I'm addicted, just a bit!

The drop off went fine. I didn't cry.... almost but didn't. I did find out that the ex is moving in with his girlfriend.... Niiice. Oh well. What I think is the funniest part, he was scared to tell me. He still thinks I'm evil. Whatever!

So I just had to share that K called. She started her period (for the record not her first). She didn't want to tell her dad so she asked me too. Bhahaha! That was a funny conversation. My poor baby. She is still really embarassed about getting it and this is the worst time for her to get it.

Well off to my day of shopping and cleaning and me time and whatever else I feel like doing!

Pictures from the Kids' Point of View

Inspired by Mindy over at Mama Drama..... She is the Queen of Pictures! (Or at least to me.) and she was saying that when her son gets the camera, she just never knows what she will find.

So I thought....what the heck, I got tons of those! Sooooo I am posting random things my kids have taken pics of! No people, sorry but lots of other fun stuff.


L took this of the inside of a laundry basket.



K's slippers that look like shoes.





My parents' pool.


Close-up of H's shirt.



A superhero that wanted to keep his idenity private.






Zoe in the dryer.


Inside of a wagon.


A blurry pic of my niece at Halloween. BTW - My mom painted the side of her garage, like it?


And, lastly a sleeping Sebastian.

The start of Spring Break

So the kids' start Spring Break after school today and (whohoo) are going to stay with their dad for the week (and two weekends). I will take them halfway to him this evening and then we will meet up the following Sunday (before the race).

I'm looking forward to it. The boys are looking forward to it. I'm sure the ex is. But, K not so much. The first reason is leaving her friends. She is at that age when friends are far more important than family. The other reason is that the ex plans to introduce the kids to his girlfriend (and I think her kids). Fine. But, K is freaking out about it. So I told her this:

"Give her a fair chance. Don't just judge her right off and if you have any thoughts that liking her would be betraying me. Don't worry. It is fine. You can like her if you want to."

I know she is worried about that and I just want her to know that it is okay. I plan to make sure they know I love them which I know they know. I tell them all the time to the point I get the eye rolls and "Mom! I know." to which I usually do a super mushy voice saying, "But I lovey you." They usually laugh a bit.

I know I am going to miss them like crazy but I am also really looking forward to some much needed alone time! And, ya know what is really sad, one of the things I am must looking forward to...... Cleaning my house. Yeah I'm getting old.

The cursed shipment

Tomorrow we have a College Recruiting Event at our California office. I have been trying to ship the "end of day, thanks for coming" gifts to our office out there. The first box lost. Thanks DHL! You Rock! Second box is now delayed somewhere and I just have this feeling.... a bad feeling that it is going to be lost too.

Don't ya just love days like this!? (hee, heee.... ) I can cry and get mad, or I can laugh.... well I decided to laugh!

Of course that doesn't get the gifts there but I am working on another plan.