Home sweet home

I am back from my work trip. Did you miss me!??!

It was a successful trip! We had a big recruiting event and it was good. It was great. We had just few hiccups that were super easy to fix. Nothing major and nothing that was in our power. Interviewers and departments wanted to change rooms, interviewers and add interviews. So it was fine. Easy peezy and I was not nearly as tired or drained as I normally am after these. I got to talk with many of the candidates which is both good and bad. I actually get to liking them and then it is a bit heartbreaking (for lack of a better word), when they do not get picked up. We have just a few openings and we had a ton of great, great candidates this time.

Tuesday will suck because of it. Tuesday is our selection meeting. Then I have to send out the decline letters.

But, I did get to see some of our success stories from past events. See this was my first trip to our headquarters and so I haven't gotten to meet many of the people I helped get hired. It was awesome to meet them and they were just like "Wow, you remember me" (meaning their name).

In fact, one candidate had come to a visit that I was able to attend last year in New Orleans. I remembered him but sadly he wasn't selected. When he was on campus in the Fall, the campus team asked me about him because they saw he came to the other event. The concern is "Why wasn't he picked up?" I said that it was just bad timing and he was a great candidate that we would be crazy not to look at him further. He got an offer after that! I was soooo happy for him! I have no idea why. It is like I know him but I just have this sense about some people and I thought he would be good employee for us. Anyway I got to talk to him and he was just so surprised that I remembered him so I was telling them how I see their names over and over, that once they come, I just have to put the name to the face...then I see their names over and over because I am in HR.

Sooooo anyway, good event. I love my job. Can you tell??? I love working with the college kids and I love doing these events. No matter how tired they make me normally.

Then the kids did well. They stayed with my parents. The puppy stayed with them too. My mom just kept saying what a good puppy he is. So smart and obedient. He walks well on a leash, etc. Is it bad that I missed him a teeny, tiny bit more than the kids? Don't get me wrong I missed them like crazy but..... well....

And just for Margaret, I am going to add some video of him soon. Just not ready with it yet. Maybe for Wordless Wednesday.

That's it from here. I had hoped to write while gone but I didn't have a lot of internet time. I do plan to write something almost everyday still. So fingers crossed, I will keep it up now that things are back to normal.

Now off to get caught up on blogs!

A wow night

I just want to remember this night.... it was an amazing night and I just wanted to get the date down.

See I do remember things but I have to leave myself little reminders. One day I will look back at this entry and not remembering exactly why I wrote this and then it will hit me.

Oh yes, it was a great night. a wow night.

Taking a break but....

Not from blogging, just from all the things keeping me from blogging for the last several days.

K has been a part of a play at school. I was really happy that she was part of it.... running crew which if you don't know means that she helped back stage and when there were scene changes, she was part of that.

Last night was the last performance and I helped out back stage too. It was a blast! The kids were fun and it was great to be around the other parents because I almost never get to do stuff like that. I always have the other kids to take care of so if I want to do something for one, I have to have the other two in tow. It makes it near impossible to do anything this way because in this case, it was K who had something going on so it was the boys left out. Well I tried to go help with set building and they were WILD so I had to leave. They were actually jumping off the stage, crawling around in the seats, running all over. They have no will power to stop and punishment does not work.

But, I did get to help a little and that was good for me. I hope that K stays with Drama and next time tries out for a part in the play because she would be sooo good. She had most every one's lines memorizes and had the acting of each down pretty well too.

So I am also getting ready for a big event at work. We travel this week to California for it. I am excited because this will be my first trip to our California office but this is not my first event like this so I am not worried in the least about this event. I am just excited about the trip!

This will be the first time I leave Cowboy. I am sure he will be perfectly fine but I know I will miss him terribly. In a week's time, he will probably grow so much! He is still a great dog. Soooo smart, I am just amazed. Very, very soon he will be going to puppy classes and then we will be on the road to advanced obedience classes. I really want him to do everything and anything. I am just so glad I waited to get a dog and I am really glad that I got him.... I took my time and did research and talked to breeders, rescue groups and others. When all was said and done, I got the best dog for us.

Anywho, I am hoping to blog while on my trip. I am taking both my work laptop and personal one. I just don't' know how busy we will be and if we will have to work late or not.

Sooo anyway that is me for now.... and the kiddos have found me so I have to stop hiding!

I love Site Meter but.....

So I have Site Meter now as I think I mentioned BUT it is starting to make me a bit paranoid. Is my ex reading this? It wouldn't take much for anyone that knows me to actually find my blog! I mean, hello! He and I used almost the same screen name on Plentyoffish.com... that was a weird feeling when we realized that we did that.

But, anyway, so I see tons of different places in Texas as hits. Whole bunch of places.... and a lot near where he lives. Yikes! Thankfully if he is reading, he isn't saying anything and I am glad for that. I hope he will respect this as "my place" and where I can vent and talk things out. In fact, I am sure he would feel that way.

I wish I would have started with Site Meter sooner too. It is soooo interesting! I am surprised by how people are finding me and how many people read my blog! I am surprised because I don't get that many comments.

Anyway, thanks to all that do read me and thanks to those that find me randomly and read. And really thanks to my friends that read and comment.

Privacy, oh how I crave it!

I think I have talked about my house here before but I am not going to go back and look through the 360+ posts to find out.

But it is small! It is just about 1,000 sq ft.... it is a 3 bedroom, 1 bath and no garage house. However, it has the biggest yard! I love that part. You could almost build this same exact house right on the lot.... it is that big.

It is also owned by my parents and I rent it from them. Yes I do pay them.

With that said, we are currently having plans drawn up on a remodel. To most it would like we aren't doing a lot to the house. It is true. We aren't really adding much square feet or more bedrooms or more kitchen space..... all the things I need. But, what we are doing is adding a bathroom.... in fact it is going to be MY OWN BATHROOM!!! A more private master suite is what we are going for.

The current house has a bathroom between two bedrooms. My room has a door to the bathroom and the other door opens to the hallway.

I hate it! I can't really lock my bedroom unless I lock the bathroom door to the hall. This means that if a kid needs the bathroom, they are locked out. I also hate at night when the kids get up and turn the light on in the bathroom. Even with the door stuff from my room to the bathroom, it creeps under the door and wakes me.

The new plan is to close that door with a wall and put the new bathroom and a walk-in closest in my current bedroom and then push the exterior wall out to create my new bedroom. One door into it. A bathroom and closest buffer between the kids and me! My bedroom will be outside of the 'main' house... I get a lot of say in the design but my parents have the final say as it is their money. :)

I am just tried of sharing with little kiddos. In fact just now I went to the bathroom and before I could lock the doors, in walks L.... He is 5 and keeps forgetting the knocking thing. "Hmmm hello." He was like, "I have to go potty." So I left but not before reminding him to knock.

I am ready. I am soooo ready. I just have to wait until the plans are drawn and then find out how much to see if it is doable. I am trying not to be toooo excited yet because there is still a chance it won't happen.... but I am very hopefully! I think if the price is right, it will because my parents are all about making this house/living situation work well for us.

Until then, I will have to continue with the one bathroom and lack of privacy.... It has worked for 3 yrs now but still.

Something for Saturday

I am trying to make an effort to write something everyday. I think so far it is going well. I think I have missed one day this week.... maybe two. But not bad, right?

So my something for today, I am taking the puppy to a park today for Paws in the Park. He is going to love it. I am a little nervous, paranoid, worried because he is still pretty young but he has had most of his vax so far. I think it is just like when you have a newborn baby and that first big outing is a big deal.

Speaking of Cowboy, today it has been one month since I got him!!!!! I can't believe it. On one hand, it seems like he has been here forever and the other, a blink of an eye.

Then I am trying to decide what I think about this.... None of my kids are really thrilled to talk to their dad right now. He called twice yesterday and they wouldn't answer the phone. They looked at the caller ID and said, "Oh it's just dad." Then after the second call, he called my cell phone. We were watching a movie and normally H will snatch the phone and run off to talk to him. He was the first to say "No"..... then he was suppose to call his dad this morning, but I just asked if he talked to him and he said naaayyy with a shrug. The other two are always lukewarm about talking to him, an out of sight type of thing for the little one and well then there is my Drama Queen Teen.

I am staying out of it as far as anything goes. I am just putting out my confusion to the internet. Not really looking for anything from that, just talking it out. Weird.

Last night was my first really bad sleep night in a while. The puppy didn't sleep with me for only the second time since we got him. Is that it?? At any rate, I tossed and turned, and checked the clock about every hour. I did dream though so not sure what that's about. But they were those really weird dreams.

Well that is my something for Saturday. Enjoy.

Technologically Challenged

I need a bumper sticker or a T-shirt or both with this on it. It is a warning to all!

I have worked in the Information Technology department or with these folks in most of the jobs I have had. In fact, my grandparents used to own a TV shop back in the day and my dad always had some new technology around. We had a home computer before all of my friends, yes ALL of them. We had first addition gaming systems. Etc, etc, etc....

Yet I know crap about them. Okay that isn't completely true. I know just enough to be very dangerous.

I actually worked for several years as support in a help desk while in the Navy. I was the one that ordered all the computer equipment: monitors, CPUs, mice, routers, hard drives, etc. While the folks that needed it told me their needs, I still had to know what the hell I was talking about when I talked with vendors because we had to stay right at the edge of ahead in technology. So I had to know what was going on to get what they needed and the best price and not get ripped off!

However, my home computer is crashed. I think I know what to do.... but I'm scared. I guess I can't make it worse but hmmm, yeah now that I think about it, I can. I'm a bit worried that my laptop will crash and then what? I'll be sunk.

And, speaking of my laptop, it isn't quite set up the way I would like. I am getting it there but not quite.

I'm not sure what has happened to me. Did this stuff fall out of my head or I have been so far removed from it that I just haven't bothered to learn?

I don't know.... but I need help or..... something.... I would really like to get that computer back up and running.

Divorced mom or single mom?

What is the difference between a divorced mom and a single mom? (or you can use parent instead of just mom) I'm not sure. I guess it is just a matter how you look at it.

I am a single mom as in I do parent pretty much alone though the dad isn't a deadbeat. He just isn't here for the daily stuff. But, then that makes me think of the difference between being "divorced" and "single"....Read on.... but be warned, I am just opening my mind and what falls out might not all make sense at once.

Some that are divorced have regular custody orders. If you know me and/or have read this blog for a while, you know we don't. He lives 4 - 5 hours away and sees them a few times a year with an extended visit in the summer. Fine.

I make most of the day to day decisions. I get the hugs. I get to discipline them. The school stuff, the extra activities, the missed buses, the sick kiddo needs to be picked up early... etc. I have to do these things on my own. I am also the type that picks my battles and sometimes I just get worn out and can't be firm. Sometimes I do give in and ya know what? Most of the time it works for us. Are they sometimes bratty? Yes. Do they know how to push my buttons? Yes. And I know I give in too much and I know I give them more than they probably deserve and yes some of that is guilt!!!! They know it and they also know when to stop because they have gone too far. Again, it works for us.... most of the time.

So yes, I am a single mom.... errr, divorced mom?

I say that because I feel far from single. So maybe I am a divorced mom?? Since I haven't really thought of myself as single for a very long time now. Goofball and I have been dating a while. Though we haven't gotten super serious, I care about him very much and feel VERY lucky to have him in my life. So as far as single goes.... I don't really feel it.

With that said, I don't expect him to be in a role of "step-dad" or I guess more like "step-boyfriend".... or I don't know, whatever. I just don't expect that though I like that he doesn't mind hanging out with them from time to time. I also don't mind when he gives me his thoughts, advise or opinions on situations with my kids, just so he knows I will do what makes sense for us, be it his idea or mine. I just like having that grown-up to bounce ideas off of and to vent too. But bottom line is he is my hang out guy, my friend, my boyfriend.... not my children's.

And why is this important? I have been trying to define who I am in this whole crazy single, divorced, parenting world. I know that I am far from alone but at the same time, each situation is different. I think a lot of single parents struggle with defining who they are and what they want.

And that was the main reason for this blog.

Blog, blog, blog

I have been thinking about my blog a lot lately. I have now added Site Meter to it so all your lurkers, I see you!

Basically I want to start getting more traffic here. I want to let it evolve it more, especially my writing. I think I do okay but I am not quite as witty as some but I think I am better than others. Ya know, some where in the middle. I also think I kinda blend in a bit like I do in real life but when I have something to say, I make sure I am heard.

I know if I could make the rounds a lot more (meaning hitting tons of blogs and commenting), I would get more traffic. If I would except some of the invites I get to join this community or that blogroll, I could get more traffic. But, I am picky and somethings just don't seem like my style or someone is trying to get their own site going and need some folks to help get it going.

So I guess I know things I should be doing but how to do it when I have so much else going on in my life? I just don't know yet. Why do some people make it look so easy to "have it all?" I have never been super put together in that sense.

Oh well.... Gotta figure this out. But for now, I am just going to try and write something everyday. At least...... something....

Happy Easter and....

I am feeling a bit better than last night. Last night was crazy. I don't know what happened. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Sad. Sleepy from the meds..... etc, etc, etc.....

Today, at this moment, I do feel better. I hope that as the day wears on me, I just roll with it, which is more my style than the other but sometimes a girl has got to cry. It is almost like girl law or something.

Soooooo today is about purging my house which symbolises purging myself.

The kids are doing well. They are just enjoying being home with me. Even H saw some things this time that have him a bit upset and thinking that his dad is inappropriate and that he puts his relationship first before their feelings. Asshole!!! He is soooo going to alienate those kids and I hate it for them all. Even him because he may not realize it now but some day he might. I can only hope that it isn't too late.

So we are enjoying the outside right now and playing with our puppy..... and wishing you all a HAPPY EASTER or if you don't celebrate it, just another great Sunday!

Crying.... okay not really but almost!

I don't actually cry often. I really don't. I joke about it but I don't actually cry often.

Right now I am right on the edge of tears. I can't help it. It is just how I feel tonight.

I should be happy. I should be thrilled. I'm not so much.

I'm a bit sad. A bit disappointed. A bit.... ready to cry.

I will be okay. I will and I will probably not actually cry..... but damn I feel like it!

UPDATE: Okay so I did. Damn it!!!! and I am still on edge to do it again. Crap! I hate this feeling!

It is SATURDAY!!!!

Do you know what that means?

My kids come home today!!!! Whoooohooooo.

I am very excited that they will be here in just a few hours at most. But the one really nice thing about this time is I had the girlfriend to give me a report! I didn't ask for it, mind you. She just did it. I was sooooo excited to see that email because it gave me a different view on the situation up there. So if K comes back saying she didn't get a lot of time with her dad, I know that she probably got a lot but maybe it just wasn't enough for my poor daddy deprived child.

We'll see.

ALSO, today we are having our family March bday celebration. That includes me being that my bday was March 2. I love this day because I share the month with two very special people to me. My grandmother (mom's mom) and my cousin. I do also share it with one other person, she really isn't bad but I can only take her in small doses. But I do like her.

My Army brother is in town too!!!! with his new girlfriend who I can't wait to meet. They just arrived at my folks' house so I need to get a few chores done and then head over there before the crowd gets there.

HAPPY EASTER (weekend) to all!!!!!!

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

Not sure what to lead off with here.... I miss the kids, I know at least one is missing home a lot! She text messages or calls me DAILY!!!!! Last night was "Help me, I can't take this. I want to come home." It is like a cry for help that I can't answer. On one hand I don't feel bad at all!!!! But the other.... well damn my baby is sad and I want to fix it. Truth be told I want to fix everyone.

Also, I'm on a new med to help me sleep and BOY does it make me sleep..... well actually not so much sleep as it makes me SLEEPY!!! ALL DAY!!! and dizzy too. Ack! So now I am on two meds and still not feeling "fixed".... My electric shock therapy is my next step. Okay maybe not.....

The puppy is doing GREAT! Okay so he is a baby and is a spoiled, rotten brat!!!! But he is smart. Knows most of the basic commands, except the one about not biting me! Overall a good boy and so much fun.

Good stuff at work. I love my job though this week I have been off because of the meds. But, I just had my yearly review and it was GREAT! I got a nice little raise. Got my contractor service bridged for my benefits. It doesn't change my service date but just for how much vacation I get, sick leave and gets me a year closer to retirement! I guess that's about it from me......

There is probably more but my brain has stopped working. I guess the two meds have met and it is time for sleeping. :)


Because Margaret asked!!!! Here are some puppy pics.

Wordless (sort of) Wednesday

"Do something for yourself this week"

So with the kids gone, everyone keeps telling me to do something for myself this week, to get out and enjoy myself. And yes, I do agree with that thinking but I don't think everyone has the same idea of what would be fun for me.

Several people have told me to go out a lot. But I am more of the at home type. I am an introvert. I get energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people makes me tired and anxious. Though I don't mind some.

I do plan to enjoy myself but I don't plan to go out much, if at all. Though I did enjoy a really nice evening with Goofball last night. Even after all this time, I get really excited to see him each time. It was truly a nice evening.

Anyway, the kids seem to be doing okay, though K has text messaged several times each day and called me a few times too. Today the first text said, "Help me." It was nothing..... she said she just missed me. *sigh* It will be nice to get those babies home with me.

Open letter to my ex

Dear M,

I want to discuss this drama between you and K. You have never seemed to understand that the kids need you. You seem to think that being in the same state as them is good enough. That seeing them 2-3x a year and for an extended summer visit is enough. You seem to think calling a few times a week is good enough. But Mister, it is not. They need you. Your daughter is dramatic and seems to have an attitude with you as a front to her real feelings. Don't you get that? She misses you and you barely even consider her feelings in anything you do.

And while I realize that my way of handling things isn't always right. I know you don't agree with my laid back style, it seems to get fairly good results. She trusts me. I validate her feelings. I never tell her she is wrong in how she feels. If that is how she feels, great. Let's talk about it. And, yes again, you don't agree with me on a lot of things. But right or wrong, I think about the children in every decision I make. Every decision. Some of my decisions may not look like it but I try to make smart decisions with them in mind.... of course I can't always. Sometimes I do have to come first and so do you.

However, when you do only see them a few times a year, why ruin those few moments by being a jerk. I see your point in not wanting her to come this week because you know she is going to make things more challenging with her drama and moodiness. But, let me tell you, I do not and would not choose to basically disown her because of some petty drama. She is 13. Do you know what that means? Life sucks to a 13 yr old. It just does. And then in her mind she is not treated well when she is with you. She feels like she should be important to you, that you would almost drop everything to spend time with them. Personally I don't think it is too much to ask when they are with you just a few times a year that you make them the center of attention in a way. I am not saying stop your life completely but hey take an interest. And yes she does close up and get stubborn, don't be a baby and clam up yourself. That is counter productive.

More than anything I just wish you would have a good, positive relationship with all your children. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I should listen to the "no expectations" theory of thinking on this. I just don't think it is too much to ask that you have a good relationship with them though. Is it?

Well I guess that is all I had to say on the matter.

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger lately and for that, well I am sorry.

If I used to visit your blog and I haven't or I haven't commented recently. I am very sorry! I am not ignoring you, I'm just.... blah.

If you have sent me an email asking about linking to me, I am not ignoring you, I am just blah.

If you miss me writing more often, I am not dead and haven't quit blogging, I am just blah!

Basically I am going back to the doc this Friday to discuss my meds. I think an increase is in order. Not to mention I am way busy with the new puppy. He is totally AWESOME!!!!! He is way smart. Knows tons of stuff already and went to the Vet today for the first time (with me anyway). He weighs nearly 16 lbs. Big boy at just 10 wks old.

Then there are the kiddos. I have been busy with them. They are leaving on Saturday to visit their dad. While I know I will miss them, I am ready. I need a break!

Also I haven't mentioned but I have been talking with my ex' girlfriend. I have to admit, I really like her. We do have a lot in common and she seems really nice. I figured she is sticking around (may even be the future step-mom), I should get to know her a bit. Might sound a bit crazy but who said there were rules in divorce?? We agreed that we could set our own rules on what works for us.

I have also started chatting with my ex-Sister-in-law (ex-SIL). I always loved her, probably much more than I loved my ex. I was more upset about "losing" her in the divorce than I was him. I knew he and I were over but she and I were pretty close. I miss her so much.

And really other than just having a Bday, still seeing Goofball and looking at doing some remodeling on my house.... There is not much else going on. Just busy, busy, busy and sleepy. :)

Again, bloggy friends, I am hoping to reconnect with you all soon.

Thanks....

The true meaning of puppy love....

I would like to introduce the newest member of our family: Cowboy!!! He is a 2 month old boxer/husky mix. Yes folks he has blue eyes!

I have had a lot of dogs. This is a special one though.... I got him on Friday and he already is housebroken, knows a few basic commands and is just very comfortable in our home. He really isn't sure yet about the cats but they definitely don't like him yet. They think I should take it back where I got him.

Anyway, I have been super busy! but I really wanted to share him. He is going to be HUGE!

Divorce with kids doesn't mean the relationship ends....

Since we have kids, I still have to talk with my ex from time to time. Also, since he doesn't live here, I end up having long phone conversations with him to keep him up to speed, but he tends to ramble. I am getting used to it and, I realize I have to be nice, friendly, polite when we talk even when I want to scream.

However, I think I am getting better, much better with these conversations. In fact, I just got off the phone with him and he was rambling about how he and his girlfriend just bought a new car together. Fine. It didn't bother me at all this time to hear him talk about him, her and their life.

So the resentment and anger are melting as I knew it would. I am sure these feelings will come back from time to time but I do feel better about things.

I know that I will have to have some kind of relationship with him and at some point his girlfriend too because I do realize she is the one. I keep waiting for him to say they are getting married, because I know it is coming. So I just make the best of it all because I am actually happy for him and plus I am very happy with my life. Very happy!!!

I also feel it is important to the children that they see we can be friendly and get along. I want to set a good example for them and I try in everything I do. This is no exception. It has been a struggle but I am getting there. Slowly but I am, and like I said, I am sure there will be more hurdles and bumps but I will just handle them as well as I can and with my children in mind.

I'm the mom..... be afraid!

K told me today that most of her friends are scared of me. Damn!!!! That is both good and bad. The neighborhood boys BETTER be scared. The girls, well, I guess I don't care if they like me or not.

K's closest friends are not scared of me, they actually think I'm pretty cool.

Why did this come up today? Well because when I came home this evening, K and H were outside playing kick ball with their friends in the front yard. When the boys saw me coming, they all took off in the other directions. (evil laugh..... ) Good! I want to keep it that way!

She thinks its funny and so do I. She says I am cool.... that's all that matters to me! What she thinks!

Wordless Wednesday

Baby K

Baby H Baby L

I'm raising good kids!

Gosh it is night's like this that makes me feel like the best mom ever!

So tonight we had H's bday party. He is 12 now.... His bday was actually two weeks ago but we were just able to do his party. It was a bowling party. Way fun cuz we all like bowling.

It was me, my 3 kids, my parents, my bro's 3 kids and one of H's friends. It was a blast. Well when H was opening the gift from his friend, he said, "Well the best gift is that you were able to come."

Awww such a cool kid!

I was telling my mom the day before that H tends to be happy with just about anything. He is so not materialistic at all. He wouldn't have cared if he didn't get gifts but he was sure happy to have a couple too.

I love that kid. He has always been extra special and has always been kind of like my rock. He is steady so earlier this year when he was having a rough time, it really shook me up. That might seem like a lot to put on a kid but I don't tell him these things, but still....

Oh and my other two are really good kids too. But this was just one small proof of that! Hurray!

My Social Network

I have gone to both my primary care and my therapist recently, and both have told me that I need to extend my social network. I was shocked! Why? Because I feel like I have a great social network but really they said it because I need more support so I can deal better with my depression, stress and anxiety, as well as just the divorce in general.

I have my family and while they haven't always been my best support, we have a lot of social gatherings and I can call just about anyone to do something. And, I do know they will always be my family. The things that they haven't supported me on were minor really and with merit so whatever. Though I think that my parents look at me as the stronger of the three of us (out of me and my two bros). So they think I can handle myself better.

Then I have Goofball but I don't like to burden him as a support exactly, just the social part and oh yes, sex! Anyway, he has his own things and responsibilities that he doesn't need to be burdened with supporting me. I do vent to him sometimes and I really enjoy our time together!

There are also my PIMs! I met them here and have "known" them for 6 years now. They have been my go to girls. They have been my support through so much. I trust them with my life, to be honest with me, to be there for me, everything. They live all over the country and even one outside of the U.S. I have met most of them in person but not all. We have annual trips to met up. I have been to 3 out of 5 so far. I have also had two of the girls come to my hometown for their work and I got to meet them then as well!

I have also made some friendships through blogging and even some that live close to me! I also have in "real-life" friendships. I have friends at work even.

However, I don't go out with folks on a regular basis, other than Goofball. I just don't make time for it. I'll admit it. I have that working mom's guilt over leaving my kids since I work 10-11 hours a day (that includes commute time). If I had a more "normal" custody arrangement, then I would at least have every other weekend to myself to form and build relationships. I wouldn't have that guilt over leaving the kids and going out. So then when I do have time off, I have no idea what to do with myself because I haven't formed lastly friendships.

And how the heck do I make friends as a grown up? I don't even know! Not many of the people I do know have children my kids' ages. They are younger or older so it makes it hard to do stuff as families. Or our town is so big it is hard to find a meeting place. And everyone seems so busy. Weekends are for laundry, house work, errands and just in general down time.

I also don't have a house that is great for entertaining. Don't get me wrong, its cute but doesn't have the floor plan for entertaining. Oh plus I need living room furniture.... ya know, that helps.

Sooooo anyway, I'm at a loss. What do I do? How do I make in "real life" friends? And once I make those friends, how do I keep them and do things with them and build a social network and support system???

Both the PCP and the therapist have challenged me to work on this so I have a few weeks to come up with a plan and even put some to action. Oh joy! Any ideas on how to get past my shyness and step out of my introverted self to make friends?

Connected

A few weeks ago, I posted how I felt disconnected from my children. Well through the power of drugs and pure will power, I feel connected again. I feel like I am their mom again. We had a really great weekend.... it was lazy! We spent a lot of quality time together. Watching movies, cuddling, playing, talking.... just really nice.

And the moment I knew I was feeling better and not depressed, stressed, anxious or overwhelmed... was last night as I was getting to go meet Goofball. The boys were wild animals. For a few months now this has just been the killer for me. I would be wiped out and almost crying. I just could not deal.

Well last night, I handled it like a champ. In fact I got involved a little bit. When it was time for me to leave, I just told them to be good. I figure they were because I got no calls from the babysitter!

Soo hurray!!! I feel so, so much better. I know the meds aren't working this fast but just the relief of having that appointment behind me. Plus I know I had a lot of great support which I have not always had in the past, so it really helped me to push through it. (Thanks! everyone!)

Back on drugs

Went to the doctor today and he suggested I get back on anti-depressants. Okay. I know I need them. I realize that I can't get past the depression and anxiety without it. It isn't my fault or anything I can just switch on and off, or control by willpower. Why it took me so long to admit it? I don't know, it is just part of the depression and anxiety really.

Sooooo hopefully in 2 to 4 weeks, I will be feeling a lot better.

Until then.... just hanging in and trying to get by each day.

On a positive note, Goofball came over today and fixed my dishwasher!!!! Wooohooo. So to him, thanks, sweetie! You rock.

Something weird....

I have started putting pennies all around my office space. I work in a cube so I was going to say desk but....

I just kind of realized I have been doing it too. Today was definitely on purpose! I stuck about 8 in my pen holder. There are some that have lived in the little groove of a file hanging system on my desk. There are more in a little desk organizer behind me and then in several of my drawers are pennies.

I guess the really weird part is I was thinking, what if I change jobs (or get fired for blogging at work), and someone comes into my desk and finds all these pennies, what might they think?

So of course then I am just laughing at myself for thinking what this person's reaction might be. Seriously though, they are everywhere.... and now it is going to become a game with me! Yeah, I'm weird like that, I just don't let everyone see it!

Where do they all go?

So I have noticed lately that all my plastic food storage containers have gone missing, and really not all of them, just the lid or just the container. I either have one or the other but in very few cases do I have both!

What’s up with that?

It is a mystery for sure, like where the missing socks are, or what happened to the dinosaurs, or what’s that thing in the night sky?

I know not too long ago I had almost every single one. I know this because my oldest niece went through my cabinet and matched everything! There were a few that didn’t have a mate but most all of them did. Now just the opposite is true.

This is not good because I have to make some really big changes in my life; most specifically in what I and the kids eat. I know it and have known it for a long time…. And really it takes a lot of organization for me to do this and stick to it. Hence the need for the storage containers (as well as baggies and well a whole list of things)

I want to and have to start taking my lunch to work (like I did today). I need to cut up veggies and fruit to make them more readily available and need to be able to pack these items easily. I also need to get something to carry drinks with me. I guess I could just buy bottled water but (and this is not a bad thing exactly) the kids just plow through the water bottles so sometimes we run out long before I can go buy more. The rule will be that bottles only when taking drinks out of the house. Water in the house can come from filtered water into a cup! (Yes I need to explain in that much detail to them!)

Why the sudden need to eat better? I have always been a bit of a slacker here. Trying to save myself some frustration, time and energy; however, I am going to the doctor next week and I know I will need to make these changes in order to fix what is wrong. I have not felt right for a while, and I’m pretty sure it is food and weight related (like totally duh! Right?) It is also probably stress, lifestyle and depression/anxiety related. I am just hoping that this is it; that this is all that is wrong…. These are easier fixes!

So I am taking small steps now to get to the goal I want (happy and healthy and feeling good). So far I have almost completely eliminated sodas which are my biggest problem and I have almost completely cut those out. I had one today but I haven’t had one in ….. well just less than a week but it was several days in a row without and then before that slip it was several days in a row…. The one I had today I only took a few sips before I realized, I just don’t like this anymore! That is huge!

Anyway, this is not a resolution because of the New Year. It is just a realization that my health is in jeopardy right now and I do not want my ex to get the kids!

So now, I just need to make a shopping trip to get more storage containers! Oh and a few other things but organization is going to be huge in getting this to work and stick.

My new pet

Margaret got a pet so I copied her! Isn't my pet cute.

adopt your own virtual pet!

What I did today!

I had the best time today. I went to Mama Drama Con Queso II. It rocked! I meet a lot of new people and a lot of folks that I knew. Many people I definitely want to get together with again.

I get really lonely for people to hang with which sounds so pathetic but hey isn't that why I am doing all this online stuff. Right?

So anyway this is a shout out to all those that attended! Leave me some love to let me know you were here.

See ya at the next one (or sooner!)

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I was not doing okay. I was depressed. I have suffered for so long with it (off and on) that I know when.... Really need to go on meds..... Also I know when I just must have a therapist and thankfully I have been talking with a great one! Which reminds me... I need to make my next appt.

But, anyway, I got a good night's sleep and it feels better today.

I think my problem was this. I was depressed and when I get like that, I withdraw. So I think in some ways that is what I was doing with the kids or feeling.

Plus someone said to me that my kids were with my ex in a more "normal" family life situation. He has his girlfriend and they live together. So they have kind of a whole family thing going on out there and maybe I am just jealous.

Other things that people have told me are that I haven't had my "hatred" spell with my ex. I agree with that to a point but then our marriage was over long before it actually ended so I really think I had gone through all that long before. And, while I do have bad feelings towards him, I think that at this point, it is normal feelings.

Sooooo anyway, I am feeling so much better today. So, so, so much better!

Just like a baby bird.....

This may sound like I am a bad mom. That is a chance I am willing to take. I just have to purge this from my mind, get it out and hope that one person, just one tells me this is okay, that this is normal or at least I am not a bad person for thinking this. Plus I know when I get the bad out, I feel better. If you have something negative to say, I do not want to hear it. This is not that type of post, this is not that type of situation nor is it wanted on this blog.

I know I was so happy and excited to have my babies back, but something seems to have overshadowed my joy.

I am not sure if it is depression or just me being crazy or both.

Basically today I realized that I felt weird, different towards them. I have been thinking about it all day. I was feeling like they weren't real or weren't mine or were just strangers in my house. Or maybe I am the stranger. I do not know.

I have never felt like this before. Does it have to do with the new girlfriend? Or is just something else? Like my very negative feelings I have for my ex. I resent him so much. Each time the kids are with him I just hate him more, and I do mean hate him.

I have spells when I am depressed so I continue to wonder if it just one of those moments.

I want to feel happy, connected and loving towards my kids. I really do and in many ways I still do.

This evening I am feeling a bit better and hugged them a lot. Tried to really be connected, or is it reconnected?

I am just hoping it is depression because I can't deal with feeling this way each time they come/go to their dad's. Depression seems to be just part of my life.....

EDIT: I do not mean this to sound like I don't want them or that I don't love them. I do want them and I do love them more than anything! It is just they seem different a little bit. And also I am feeling much better. I just needed it out!

Back to life, back to reality

With the holidays behind us and the new year ahead, we are getting back in the swing of things. The kids didn't have school today but do tomorrow. I worked for half the day today. It was nice to ease back into things.

Now we are all just kicked back, chatting and watching some tv together.

I am looking forward to this year. We have plans. We are actually going to take a vacation. This will be the first time I will be taking the kids on vacation alone! Well I guess that isn't completely true. When we lived in Fargo I did drive home with the three kids alone but it shouldn't really count because we stayed with my parents.

So our vacation is to go back to Pensacola where K and H were born and where I lived for nearly 4 years while in the Navy. I can't wait! I need to start planning it out. I'm so excited.

We are also planning to get all the grandkids together. Between my brothers and I, we have 9 children. We have had 8 of them together but my youngest bro has a new baby. The plan is for us all to travel either to Colorado where my youngest bro lives or meeting somewhere between here and there.

Also hoping to make some changes to the summer schedule for the kiddos. K and L both have summer bdays and they want to spend it with me this year. So not sure yet how that will play out.

Some other things are a new car, some new living room furniture and maybe a new dog.

So that is it in a really quick update on things with us!

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow! I get my babies back. I am sooo excited. Every time they have called me and their dad has been around, he ends up yelling at them to get off the phone. Are you serious? He did call me after one of the time to say he was sorry and didn't realize it was me they were talking to. Hmm, whatever, asshole!

He also called me today to find out what time we were doing pick up tomorrow. I was like, "K already said she told you that I said 1:00 and that you agreed. Is that not right?" He said yeah but.... Well then he didn't have a good reason. Where is his girlfriend? Can't he just leave me the fuck alone!?

And again he has disappointed his children. He had told H that he would be getting a cell phone for Christmas. Did he get one?! NO!

Asshole, asshole, asshole!

Anyway, I am so excited to be getting them back tomorrow.

And for tonight we (my Army bro, a cousin, her hubby and my aunt) are going to see our cousins play in their band at a club downtown! I can't wait. I have seen them play before but not in a club or bar... Rock on!!!

So having a rockin' night before getting the babies back. I have enjoyed my break, especially the Goofball parts! But again, just ready to have them home.

Breast Cancer Support

I am a big supporter for Breast Cancer Awareness. I always donate to the Susan G. Koman Foundation.

So recently, one of my very good friend's went for a check-up and was told there was a lump in her breast. It is a tumor.... cancer. She is one of the most amazing people I know.

I am throwing all my support to her now. So my blog will remain pink until she is in remission and I will be displaying this badge in honor of her!!! Her name starts with "L" which explains the letter on the badge.

Please show her support by displaying on your own blog and not just for her, but all who have or have had breast cancer.

Love ya, L!

Meet the parents

So for New Year's, Goofball came and had lunch with me and my parents. Yikes! I had a weak moment... balance a family tradition with seeing the most sexy man I know. What's a girl to do!?

Anyway, so he was an amazing guy about it (I was not surprised) and came along.

But that got me wondering, what people think when they meet my parents for the first time. The reason is that my parents now live in a really large, big expensive house but that doesn't define who they are or even tell you the story of them. I think people new to my life will just think that is how I grew up and it is soooo not the case. It was a bone of contention between me and my ex. He always thought that is the life I came from. He never felt comfortable with my family because he thought we were all these yuppie, rich folk. Whatever.

So the story goes....

My parents met in high school. Senior year and got pregnant with me near the end of the year. They got married a few months later and had me when they were 19 and 18. My dad worked very hard and went to college. My mom stayed home (but did work as needed). They then had my two brothers, the first 2 yrs after me and then 18 mths after that.... We lived in a little but very comfortable, cute house.

My dad slowly worked and worked his way up and into better jobs. They both made many sacrifices for us. We moved to a better house, yet still just a little bigger.

We didn't have the best of everything but we made the best of everything we had. We never went hungry and we never wanted for anything. We didn't go on expensive vacations. Our vacations were day or overnight trips around Texas. We learned history. I could not have asked for better vacations.

I know how expensive kids are, how expensive a house is, how expensive everything is....

Anyway, they pulled themselves up and made good choices (and of course some bad) but they are where they are today because of hard work. I didn't grow up in a house like they have now but I know that one day I will be able to live in one because I have good examples and I know it can be done.

Holiday update

We had a great holiday. Nothing super extra ordinary but wonderful at the same time. The kids were so happy and so great! They loved everything that "Santa" got them. And even better they liked the boring PJs that I got them. LOL!

Then around 4:00 pm on Christmas day the ex came and picked them up. I met his new girlfriend. This is one he has been dating since May(ish) and the kids spent most of the summer with. They are living together as well.

Anyway, she did seem very nice and I'm happy about that. The weird part is she is someone I could see myself being friends with under different circumstances, ya know?

Then when they left, I boo-wooed like crazy. Composed myself briefly and headed over to my Aunt's house (where all my family was gathered).... I started all over again. It was not pretty. It was a combination of things: lack of sleep, the fact it was a holiday and relief because honestly I need the break.

Woke up today still in a bit of a funk but feeling better. It just takes some time. Oh plus I got see Goofball today and that is always nice! No better than nice! It is awesome. He makes me smile.

Anyway, I hope you all had a great holiday! I can't believe it is nearly 2008. I still remember thinking, "I can't wait to party like its 1999!" and that year has come and gone.

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.

A different Christmas this year

Not bad, just different. This is the first Christmas that the ex isn't here for Christmas eve and Christmas morning. Even last year, though we were officially divorced, he came and stayed with us. He helped do the Santa stuff too.

It hit me today as I was typing out "... and the kids will go with him for Christmas night." that this is the first year that I have to hand my kids over to him for the holiday.

I know that I am lucky to have them most of the "holiday" part. Most of the hoopla is over by the evening when he will be getting them.... but they get to have a "second" Christmas with him. (ha, ha, they know it too)

This is also the first year that I won't have them for New Year's as well. I plan to enjoy the break and know that they will enjoy being with their dad but it is a little bittersweet too.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's and Happy.... well whatever you celebrate!

More teenager stuff

Ack! We have a new thing going on. I have been having to "fight" for any computer time lately. K is always on it! She has discovered youtube and that she can watch anime on it! Fine but just tell me when I get an email, okay?

So my apologizes to the blogging world. I can pretty much send a few emails, check my bank account and see a couple of blogs before she starts whining about the computer.

Okay that's it, she is on to me.... gotta jet! :) (Who's the mom? Oh yes, me. It keeps the peace though so my little sacrifice is worth it.)

Oohh by the way....

First of all this is my third post today after much silence. That is what therapy does to me. Ha, ha.

Anyway I never gave a cell phone update. She never found it. In fact, someone was using it so it was stolen. I had called the company to start the insurance claim process...they told me someone was using it.

So needless to say, they stopped service to that SIM card, and shipped us a new one.

Also, I had to put another $800 into my car last week (thanks mom and dad for the loan).... and this week I had to take it back in to get the same problem fixed. Crossing fingers.

That is that.

Whoohooo.... Best Blogging Buddies

Thanks Margaret!




I looked and looked for the rules. I hate to break rules (ha, ha... yeah right!). I didn't find anything saying number of people or anything.

Oh and I feel a bit bad about this because I really don't know who to give it to. Why? Because I haven't been doing well at keeping up with my blogging buddies!

But, I think I will give it to:

Tree
G-man
Esmeralda
Karen
Beautiful Disaster
Charlene
and last but not least
Trappedintime

Now, if you were left off the list.... there is a reason. It isn't cuz I don't love ya, cuz you know I do. But, we probably know a lot of the same people and if I gave it to all of you, who would they give it to?

Anyway, there ya go.

Dating Rules?

This week I was told I broke the "code".... Hmmm, what?

So let me back up. Goofball and I have been dating for .... well I am not sure where to start counting but we started talking online June 2006. To me that is when we first started dating, because in my mind dating is when you decide you have some interest in a person and want to see where it goes. Being in a relationship is once you decide this is the person you want to see exclusively. But, like I said, that's just me. There are varying degrees between the two.... so let's just say we have been dating exclusively for probably some where between a year and year and a half. I will admit in the beginning I was still talking to a few people but once Goofball and I meet a couple of times, that I was it. I decided I would give him my full attention, whatever that would mean.

Soooooo that was long for no reason.

Back to the story. Last Christmas I did want to get him something little for Christmas but it was "too early" and I didn't think it was a good time. This Christmas though I don't feel that way at all. I got him a gift. But, I don't know, I felt like I better let him know because it seemed fitting in what we were talking about (gift giving). He said "You broke the code." Hmmm WTF!? What code?

Well I have looked. A LOT! and everything I find is like this article. I found others but they all pretty much say the same. No matter where you start counting we have been dating more than the time where it is "too early" to give a gift.

So I didn't break the code! Ha!

Anywho, to me that isn't the point. The point is this is someone I like very much. I had a great idea of a gift I wanted to give him so I bought it. I think he will really like it and that was the point. To make him happy.

And really to me, should there really be rules about dating? Okay maybe a few and only in the beginning, like "Please don't come by my house at the 2 in the morning and watch my house." or maybe "It probably isn't a good idea to follow me everywhere I go." I mean that is just creepy, right?

But come on, once two people have been dating for several months or more, shouldn't they then get to just follow what feels right for them?

I knew you would agree!

Having a teen daughter

I have always wanted a little girl, a daughter. I got one! I was so excited when she was born. She was my first and I was scared to death and excited all at the same time. She was tiny. She was perfect. She was mine.

I have really enjoyed having a daughter. Now as we get deeper into the teen years that is changing. Now don't get me wrong, I still love having a daughter. I love her. But, it is getting more and more difficult to like her, at least every day. :)

She has gotten that typical teen attitude. We have been fighting a lot more everyday. If I try to discipline her, it gets worse. If I ask her to do anything (chore, homework, get out of bed for school), I am meet with almost hateful stares and attitude. She is currently grounded until she finds her brand-spanking new cell phone. She is pissed.

However, I know this is typical. I know it will pass. I just have to be the same. I have to be steady, generous, keep the lines of communication open, be there for her when/if she is ready. I just have to be very patient.


UPDATE: Not 5 minutes after posting this, she got all sweet and loving again. She was in here just chatting like nothing had happened. Probably to her, nothing did. Gotta love'em.

In the light of day

So today is a new day. I do try to start them all off on a positive note. I try not to let things from yesterday bug me today.

K seemed a little better this morning, though she was really hard to get up. Gee wonder why? And, that is why mom says go to bed on time!!!

Anyway, I can't tell if she was snappy this morning because she was cranky from lack of sleep or still cranky about last night. We will talk later.

I have to admit, I'm still really hurt and angry over this. And while I wish I could say it is all at K, it is not. I know, I know, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions in this. But I can't help but shot blame at her father. Now I won't admit this to them but I actually hate him. I don't know when it came to this but I could feel it building. I think it was my last conversation with him that just did it. I can honestly say I have never really hated anyone before. It doesn't feel good but it is how I feel. I have spent years and years in counseling to be able to identify and understand how I feel. I was also told by a counselor, "Nobody can tell you how to feel. Nobody can tell you it is wrong because it is just how you feel. Its an emotion." Ya know, it is true and it really was a freeing moment for me. She went on to explain that it is how we act and react to the feelings that truly matters. True, true.

Anyway, it is a new day. I'm going to try like heck to put those horrible feelings and words out of my head, not bottled up but out. And as always, just keep on movin' on.

Single mom and the double standard

I am so frustrated, angry, sad, upset, hurt..... grrrr!!!!!

So tonight Goofball came over to hang out. Long story short, I don't have living room furniture right now so we were watching TV in my room. Door open, on top of the covers, completely clothed, not even sitting very close. I think we were holding hands, maybe.

This was around 9, so I started to get the kids ready for bed (well really just telling them because they are all big enough to know what to do, except maybe L.... but really he is 5).

Well an hour later and they were still not really settled. Giggling and kept coming in the room for stuff. So I went in the other room (they all wanted to sleep in the same room) to kinda fuss at them. Well K said, "I'm not comfortable going to sleep while Goofball is still here." I said (and maybe I shouldn't have but I did!), "You sleep at dad's with Ms. C there, what's the big deal? It isn't like he will be sleeping over, he is leaving shortly." She shoots back with, "Yeah but she lives there." (which I figured but didn't know for sure)

At this point I was getting pissed to all hell! What the f$ck does that matter!!! I have known Goofball much longer than the ex has been dating her!!!(17mths to his 6 mths) Why should I be held to a higher standard than their dad??? (If I really let myself think about it, I could figure it out but its not fair.... and yeah, I know how childish it sounds to say, "Its not fair." )

K has been saying stuff like this a lot lately. I swear some of it sounds like it is straight from her dad's mouth! She keeps saying how sarcastic I am. I mean hello, if you have known me all of 5 minutes you know I am sarcastic about 99% of the time. Why is she pointing it out now? I really know why because her dad always told me how sarcastic I was. Ugh!

I basically was very childish and said she had to get over it, he was staying longer and she had to sleep.

But, I'm just so .... ugh! Just why? I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. Why does he get to have a life? Why can't I? Do I have to start sneaking around to see Goofball? I do not think so. Damn it!!! I'm a grown woman.

I am really trying to be sensitive to them. I really am. But at some point, my dating is going to cross with them. They have got to understand.

I know (or at least hope) that someday she will understand. This is just one of those things I hate about being a single mom. Blah!

Tis the season!

Best Christmas Video - youtube

I can't embed this but it is one of my faves.

Enjoy!

Another season comes to an end

Dale Jr will be heading over to his new race team for the 2008 season. He didn't end on a positive note but it really was par for the course for this season.

Jimmie Johnson won the Nextel Cup for a second year in a row. H is happy as this is the driver he likes the most. He is the driver I really dislike and not because he is a bad driver. Far from it. I hate to say but yes, he is a great driver!

So now I have to start the count down to the new season. It opens in Daytona and the big event is Feb 17th..... the Daytona 500!!!!!

Stay tuned race fans!

Well it happened!

My daughter is now taller than me. It is just a teeny, tiny bit but she is officially taller than me now. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it would be soon but still when we were both standing in the bathroom and she said, "Am I taller than you now?".... I had a moment of "Oh no... not yet!" but she is. She is 13. It is kinda weird to have a child taller than me but they all will be. There dad is tall. His family is tall. Heck a lot of people in my family are tall too.

But, the day my youngest is taller than me, and he will be.... and probably the tallest of the three, now that will be a weird day for me (good day!). He is just my little baby right now (5 yrs old). I just am amazed by him daily....

Anyway, one child taller, two more to go.

Quote of the Day

Have you noticed in my sidebar the quote of the day? If not, here it is for today.

Quote of the Day
Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life.
John F. Kennedy


When I divorced, I vowed to myself that I would not settle for second. I would not lower my standards for anyone. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I deserve to be happy.

And, that is what I have set out to do.

I just thought it was a good quote for today and how I have been feeling.

More Therapy

So last Monday, I started going to counseling again. Actually, this time it is me and the kiddos. However, being our first session, it was mostly about me and the kids had to sit in the waiting room most of the time. They were not happy but mama has got to get her head fixed first.

I got a ton of great info and support from it. I feel such a relief. I huge weight lifted.

But, I guess one of the most freeing things I got from it was the information he gave me about codependency. This was something I was very worried about when I started dating. I know myself and I know I can be very codependent and very clingy.... and really aren't they pretty much the same thing. (at least to guys)

So anyway, talking with him, he gave me a hand out about codependency. I was so surprised to see the characteristics and the signs of being codependent. That used to be me! I felt so awesome as I read through the list.

Signs of Being stuck in codependent patterns are:
1. Focus only on the behavioral needs of partners, rather than our own.
2. We elicit behaviors from our partners which reinforce our belief that they need us.
3. We constantly misinterpret their needs, their wants and their feelings for our own.
4. We consistently behave toward our partners in ways which maintain their neediness.
5. We misinterpret our own behavior as loving, when we are actually manipulating and controlling.
6. We interact with our partners in codependent ways rather than interdependent ways.

This next part is the part I really see myself in. Almost every single one of the below, I can say yes, oh yes, Definitely me.... or I really mean "old" me.... Not at all me now.

Then Codependent Characteristics are:
1. Come from dysfunctional home where emotional needs were not met.
2. Received little real nurturing and tries to fill unmet need by becoming a caregiver.
3. Terrified of abandonment and do whatever is necessary to keep a relationship going.
4. Nothing is too much trouble or takes too much time if it will "help" the one you love.
5. Accustomed to a lack of love, willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
6. Taking on far more responsibility, guilt or blame in the relationship than the partner does.
7. Low self-esteem and feel undeserving of happiness.
8. Little security growing up with a consequent need to control partner.
9. Much more aware of the dream of how relationship "could be" rather than the reality of "what is".
10. Addicted to partner and to emotional pain.
11. Possible abuse of food, alcohol, drugs.
12. Drawn to people who need "fixing" thereby avoiding focus on self.
13. Clinging to excitement of unstable relationship helps avoiddepressive episodes.
14. Often find kind, stable, reliable persons who are interested in the person, boring.

Some people might argue that I still fit many of these, but I just don't feel it, don't see it. Not like I used to be anyway. I mean I won't argue that to some degree I still could fit some of the characteristics. However, I feel like I get farther and farther from this codependent behavior everyday. I plan to just keep working on it too.

I go back to counseling on this next Monday. I am looking forward to it and I have a list that I am working on of things I would like to discuss. I do still feel a huge burden as a single mom.... but I am feeling the burden shrink. It just took admitting that I couldn't handle it alone anymore.

I love to read

I love reading. I love books. I love words. But, ya know the only thing I hate about reading..... when I get to the end.

I just finished up two books this weekend (actually one just 2 minutes ago). I loved them both. Since I could read, I have. Everything I could get my hands on. Funny thing, it used to drive my ex crazy! We would be at home watching a movie, maybe even something I really wanted to see, but yet I would also be sitting there reading a book. I told him I could do both! I was a good multi-tasker.

Anyway, to my dismay, my children never picked up this habit. I used to read to them. I always made sure they had books. Made sure they saw me reading and enjoying my books. And, when I say I am always reading..... I am.

Well lately my children have started reading. I could not be more thrilled!!! In fact, K is going to a book club party thing tomorrow for the book Twilight. H loves the Magic TreeHouse Books! And L is just starting to read, but he is my only one that has always been able to sit forever and look through books.

So while I don't have very exciting interests and hobbies, I do love to read and the best part of reading is that I can be anyone, anywhere and at anytime. It is great! It is like I have a very interesting life, full of adventure without every leaving my house.

Christmas Music

Is it too early for Christmas Music? If stores can decorate for Christmas the day after Halloween, I think I can queue up the ole Christmas Music (which, yes, is playing right now at my house!). Burn a CD for the car. Singing in the shower. Drive my children crazy with it all.

Well I don't think its too early. I need the cheering up for one. For two, I like Christmas time. What's that? You are right. I do not like holidays that are over commercialized, very true. And, yes Christmas definitely is but I guess I look past that because of the meaning it has to me.

I have to admit here that I'm not uber Christian but I do believe..... something. I always say I'm more agnostic than anything else but it would just really take toooo long to explain what I believe and I didn't come to it easily. But I'm not going into religious beliefs or how I came to be this way.

Let's just say Christmas means something different to everyone even if you are of the same religious beliefs. My memories and my experiences are much different.

Plus, oh people please keep him in your thoughts, my brother (B) will be HOME FROM IRAQ!!!!! Just about a month more and he will be back at Ft. Hood!!!!! This is why this Christmas is so important. Also my younger brother (J) said he would come home when B comes home. J lives in Colorado with his fam.

This Christmas will also be a little sad. It is the first time I will be actually handing my children over to their father for the holiday. Well actually, I shouldn't sound so down about it, I am actually giving them over the day after Christmas but whatever. It is time I get used to the idea of this though because this is my life now. But hopefully this arrangement will work for everyone. He gets them the second half of the Winter Break.

So really the question and the reason for this post, is it too early for Christmas music?

Life update or just random crap

So I haven't written here for a week now and really my blogging has all gone down hill.

I have a ton of notes and ideas, but that is as far as my brain will let me go.

I have been amazingly stressed, busy and physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm disappointed with my life and happy at the same time. How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time?

It is really hard to live life. Even harder being a single parent. Even harder when the other doesn't help. Even harder when the support you thought you had suddenly disappoints you.

And don't get me wrong, I do not for one second regret getting divorced. My life, though hard at times without that partner, that support, that companion, it is 100% better than it was with him. he was just the wrong person for me.

Anyway, with the kids showing all kinds of signs of distress and my own fragile feelings right now, I contacted our Employee Assistance Program representative and got the ball rolling for some family counseling. K is resistant to the idea. I said if she resisted that I would beat her with it. She said, "with IT".... yes I know what I said and I did mean that. I would beat her with her resistant attitude. See I always say dumb things that. It keeps the kids guessing.

So anyway, taking steps to right the wrongs, fix the owies of our hearts and hopefully I can shake off this funk!

So that's life right now. Wish us luck at therapy! We need this right now.

I'm back and a party

Sooo I made it back after a very successful work trip. Had an awesome time in New Orleans. Good food and good people. I did miss Goofball while I was gone... I know its weird because its not like I get to see him everyday. Lately it has been once a week.... sometimes twice a week and even sometimes not at all in a week.

Anyway, came back last night (Friday) and today we are having a party.... K is having a party. So I have a house full (ask Goofball) of kids.... ranging from 14 down to say age 5 (my youngest). It is fun.... Goofball came over. Sooo cute, he wore a costume. I think he had fun laughing at the kids or me, I'm not sure which. Either way it was great to see him.

So the party is going on all around me. Since most of the kids are 7th and 8th graders, and there are boys and girls, it is a lot of drama. They keep running from the back yard to the front to the back to the front.... And the girls keep running in groups to K's room and the bathroom. They boys keep trying to scare the girls by hiding and then jumping out. All of them have their cell phones and keep calling other kids that aren't here and kinda bragging about how they are at this party.

There is about an hour left before I start kicking people out. And, I can't wait! I'm exhausted.

Soooo that is the news from my edge of the world.

Travelin' for work

Tomorrow I'll be back in New Orleans for the third time in about 6 mths. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. I mean on one hand yeah cuz they have great food, it is a different city and I get a break from the kiddos. But, then I will be working my tail off! and I will miss my kids and while I don't normally see Goofball during the week, I know I will miss him in a way too cuz I know I'm hours away. I know I'm weird, oh well.

Anyway, back this weekend.

EJ has left the building.

Another saturday night and.....

I'm an affectionate person. I like to touch, kiss, hug and I like to be touched, kissed and hugged.

My ex was not. He didn't hold my hand. The few times he did, I could tell he didn't want to. So it just felt wrong. He kissed me but only to initiate sex.... and then it was over as quick as it started. He didn't kiss me during. Just some kissing before and it was over. Now on this note, I have never had sex with someone that I didn't like to kiss so this was something that changed in him really quickly. We used to kiss a lot when we first started dating but.... it didn't last even the first year. Then on the hugging. He would let me hug him but rarely did he put his arms around me.

*sigh*

Oh well moment over.

So tonight I enjoyed all three and it was so nice. I think it makes the sex better too. I mean for me, not sure if it does for him.... (grin)

Anyway, another wonderful, amazing night with Goofball. He looked damn sexy tonight, more than usually.... Yum. I was having a really hard time tending to the food because really all I wanted to do was drag him to the floor or the bed or where ever. I had to have him.

Thanks for a fun night, Goofball. Glad you enjoyed dinner and dessert. It was fun to cook for you. I'm glad everything turned out okay... I wasn't too crazy about the chicken though it wasn't terrible. Next time something with beef. I like beef. I'm from Texas. :)

Anyway, I get the kiddos tomorrow at noon. Gotta drive up half way and pick them up. I'm enjoying my break but I will be glad to get them back. I'm having some weird mommy guilt over handing them over to a man that had just an hour before threatened my cats and then just before walking out half joked about not giving me the kids back. WTF?! So I will be anxious to get to the pick up location and then get my babies back where they belong.

Oh and I'm complaining a lot about money lately but mostly because Dec 25th is just around the corner. I don't really worry toooo much about money. A little but who doesn't? But, right now I'm feeling the pressure of the Big day. It will be fine though. I am just going to work a plan and stick to it. The kids really don't need much and I have already let the big kids know things will be a bit tighter than normal. So we shall see.

And that in a nutshell is my Saturday night. Of course I'm singing "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money cuz I just got paid..." Love that song!

Another random 7

Aimee over at GreebleMonkey tagged me with the 7 random facts. (Kisses, Aimee!)

Before I get started I wanted to talk about this PIM thing aka Psycho Internet Moms. Now I can't remember who started this, I'm thinking Julie's hubby did. All I remember is it was a hubby.

Anyway, so these PIMs are some of my best friends. They have been in my life for nearly 6 yrs. Wow, has it been nearly 6 yrs??? I guess so. They are my support system when I couldn't share with my family and felt all alone. They have been there for so many things. Talked me through my moves and divorce and my depression. We have shared pregnancies, births, deaths, illness, new jobs, new homes, new pets, recipes and sex stories. We have shared children's firsts, tips on parenting, tips on cleaning, tips on tipping and pictures and so much more.

I can't wait until the day I can say I have meet each and every single one of you.... and I'm getting close!

Okay enough mushy on the random 7.

Not gonna post the rules, ya know 'em, right?

1. I have been to just over half the states in the US. Most of them in a car.

2. I am a horrible speller and I have a lot of trouble with phonics. I can't sound out words. I have tried, tried, tried. I just can't.

3. I'm a really bad house keeper. I hate cleaning! (which is what I'm suppose to be doing right now).

4. I have all kinds of weird things I say. Some are quotes from TV shows, movies and commercials. Some are things we said growing up and then some are just picked up here and there.

5. The same doctor (at the same hospital) that delivered my mom, delivered me and my two younger brothers.

6. I sing in the car. I sing in the shower. I sing all the time. Simon would put on the list of the World's worst.... that's okay, I just don't sing in front of anyone but my kids!

7. I want a dog.


And, that's it. I will not be tagging anyone. Feel free to do it on your own. Let me know if you do! I would love to read it!

Can you hear that?

It is the sound of mom getting a much needed break!

So the dad came alllllll the way from The Big D to get the kiddos. I wish I could say I was happy about that. Oh I am but it meant having him in my house. He has always been an ass about my cats and my housecleaning.... and my weight and a ton of other issues that I could see the gears turning in his head.

As it is, he told me that if he had these cats, he would have fed them to a couple rottweilers. Seriously? You're an asshole!

I don't care. I get a break. I have been so busy at work. Beyond busy! So I really need the rest.

Gonna spend time relaxing (read - sleep), some cleaning and then some time with Goofball too.

That's it. That's my plan. It sounds excellent to me.

FYI - I am going to be uber busy from now until Thanksgiving so if I'm not commenting to your blog, its lack of time and energy, not lack of interest!!!!! And, if I'm not writing much in my own, its pretty much the same reason. I'll be in New Orleans next week! Goooood foood!

I'm been hit.... save yourself!

Ha, ha. Just kidding.... sort of.

Margaret tagged me with a randoms thing meme. Thanks sweetie. I'm going to forgive you because you are still walking around in the lovey dovey, fresh from your wedding day fog. Plus I like ya!

So here are the rules..... Players start with eight random facts and/or habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and to read your blog.

Okay so Margaret broke the rules and I plan to as well.... but you will have to wait until the end to see what the broken rule is!

Gosh this is going to be hard because I think I have shared most anything I can think of.....

1. I guess first I will say, I didn't have a wedding ceremony. Justice of the Peace with his boss and some random court house worker that just happened to be in the wrong place, wrong time as our witnesses. Who would have known it would end in divorce?!?!

2. I don't like the smell of microwave popcorn..... at all!

3. I love balloons.

4. I crave information. If I don't know about something, I research. I read. I have to learn.

5. I only get my haircut maybe twice a year.... sometimes, just once a year. But, I do cut my own bangs.... a lot!

6. I do not like scary movies. I also can't stand this time of year when they show all the Halloween movies.

7. I love snowmen! That is my favorite "winter" thing. I could decorate my whole house with snowmen for Christmas/Winter.

8. I love pajamas! I wear them a lot.... a lot, a lot.


Okay so there are my 8. Now I am suppose to tag 8 people.... but here is where I will break the rules. I'm not going to tag anyone. I will say, if you want to do this, do it and leave me a comment so I know to visit your blog!!!!


Enjoy.

Bring on the rain

This song is sung by Jo Dee Messina. It really explains how I feel right now.

Like gosh, I got through another crazy, stressful day... what more could go wrong? how much more can I take of this? But, screw it, I'm up for the challenge.... Bring it on cuz I like the challenge. I'm up for it.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I mean heck I'm trying to teach my kids this very thing. Be strong. Don't let life get you down, don't cry. Stand up, stand strong and keep on truckin'.

Soooo anyway, this was just something I thought of while driving home stuck in traffic.

Bring on the rain.

(Update: I decided to add the video to it.... as you can see....)

Teaching my daughter to date

.... and learning a little along the way myself!

This is something I never really thought we would be doing at the same time, or I mean I never thought I would be divorced and dating. And while my daughter is still a bit young (13), she is starting to have "boyfriends".... with this and my dating, I am trying to teach her. I also find that I am learning with her and from her. My boys, especially the oldest one, are also a big help. To see things through his eyes.... well, it is a fun and interesting learning experience!

So some of the things I want her to know are:

1. Do not settle for someone that doesn't make you happy, that doesn't respect you and that just is very thoughtless. Do not waste time being unhappy. In that same line of thinking, do not be disrespectful and do not be thoughtless. Make this person happy and you will reap the benefits.

2. Pick your battles. Not everything has to be a fight. Decide what things are important to you and only fight those things. It makes you both a lot happier.

3. Understand the difference between busy and busy. If he does not make time to see you and only contacts you when it is very convenient for him, then he probably isn't into you. But, if he truly is busy, chances are he is going to make time for you when he isn't and he will be excited to see you each time!

4. Observe how he is with other people; most especially with seniors citizens, children and animals. If he is respectful, thoughtful and in general nice to them, he probably will be to you as well. Plus it shows he has good character. (or at least I think so!)

5. Respect guy time. It is important for him to spend time away from you and especially good if you show you trust him and respect him while he does whatever guys do. But also make sure you do stuff yourself. Have a hobby or a good friend or some interest that you can do. Being a couple and being together is great, but having some space can make you appreciate your time together too.

6. Let him be a guy. What ever that means for him, be it silly jokes, goofy behavior, watching Sci-Fi, football every Sunday and Monday. It doesn't matter. Understand this is who he is. Don't try to change him. Don't let him change you either. The point of a relationship is to be yourself and this person should bring out the best in you, not the worst.

7. Communicate your feelings to him. Do not drop hints and do not expect that he can read your mind. He may sometimes get lucky and do what you were wanting but it isn't mind reading. Accept it.

8. Do not play games and do not stay with someone that does.

9. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

10. And lastly, decide what things are important to you, such as, good conversation, a good sense of humor or whatever it is. Find someone that has these things. The bottom line is not to settle. There are too many people out there.

I am sure there are more lessons and more things but for me, right now, these are the most important. I want her to know that she does not have to live unhappy, that she can find someone to fit her standards.

These are good lessons for everyone.... I just hope that I can keep her from making some of the same mistakes I did in the past and while I know she will get hurt, I hope this will minimize that a bit.

Good parenting day!

I admit it a lot of my problems as a parent come with my style of parenting. I am very open and honest with my kids. I am very hands off in a way because I let them express themselves and tend to be more their friend then mom, though I do remind them often of my role. I am bad with discipline and often don't follow through as well as I should.

Also I worry, as I have mentioned before, that my kids are smarter than me. If one day they realize this, I will be in some serious trouble!

With that said, I do not think I'm a bad mom at all. No not at all. I think this just works for us and while it sometimes causes me some stress, overall, we do good together.

Today, though, was just a banner day for me. I am floating, walking on the clouds.... Why? Because all my children were good today. They listened. They each had a good day at school. They listened to me!!! I didn't have to nag. We had a really, really good evening too.

I just feel really good as a parent right now!

Bitter... Party of one

Yeah that is me today. A bit bitter. A lot of resentment surfacing today.

My ex text messaged me today about dates for when he would see the kids again. He wrote down the wrong days but I didn't know until I called him to discuss rather than going back and forth on text messages.

Background: He lives in Dallas. It is roughly 4-5 hours away from us.... by car that is. So he doesn't see the kids often because for him work always comes first. Always. And, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that they were with him for 2 months this summer. Well they haven't seen him since.

He plans to see them the weekend of Oct 19th.... Not sure if the girlfriend is coming with him but that was his plan. K doesn't want her to come because she wants time with just her dad. She felt she didn't get enough just dad time because the girlfriend was almost always around. Now I wasn't there so I don't really know how much time she was around .... but hearing from all three kids that she was around a lot, just means she probably was.

So back to the phone call.

I was annoyed with him before I even called him to discuss dates for the kids. I was annoyed because he was text messaging me the wrong dates. We had already talked about this. I was annoyed that he had lied to the kids about the last time I talked to him! I hate that he gets to just be the "fun guy" and I have to always be the bad guy... or at least the one here. Plugged in every single day. I am the one that misses work if the kids have a problem.

So we got the dates down and he starts in with the "small talk".... I'm not wanting to do this part. But, he is just going on and on about this and that. He is in school trying to get his degree. He is always competing with me and really when we were married, I with him. He now wants to get into Human Resources.... That is what I DO! WTF?! I have always talked about being in HR. I have worked in HR before and I'm finally back in it. I'm happy.

But, now he wants to do it too....

But, he was also talking about being a guidance counselor which I thought was just wow... not a good fit for him.

Anywho... basically I got really bitchy. My little passive aggressive self showed its ugly head. I was making rude little comments. But they were the kind that would take you a second to realize I was really being insulting.

I'm not a details person so don't ask what I said.... I have no ideas. I think I said he would be better as a Used Car Salesmen and then said something like no you would be great as a Realtor for Ocean front property in Arizona. Then I said something that I wish I could remember because it was goood, if I do say so myself.

His reply was "thanks.... wait? Was that a compliment or a put down?" Hmm yeah. I said that I am still harboring some anger issues. He said, "Towards me?" Hmmm yeeaahhh, hello.

Anyway, yes I'm angry. Why does he get so much time off as a parent? Why does he not have to be here?

But, yeah know, true to my form, I have to end positive. I am lucky. I am very blessed. He does pay child support. He does call and talk to them. Even though he doesn't see them often, he does. And, while I don't agree with his choices, I am happy for him.

But above it all, I am soooo very glad I am not married to him anymore.