My prized possesion

So yesterday was Fun Monday around the blogosphere. I keep hoping to hop in there one of these weeks!


Anyway so Lisa was the host. She asked folks to pose a question to their readers. Mindy at Mama Drama asked a great question! If she could see everything we owned, what might she like for herself? Check out her post.


I had to really think. What could she possibly want in my house? I like my shoes but they surely can't live up to Mindy standards! She has the best shoes. I have a Wii but she doesn't strike me as a Wii or video game person.


I have tons of toys, and by me, I mean the kids. They are EVERYWHERE! This is just a few shots of them.... Yes that one is in my bathroom.




Family photos? Maybe. The painting my grandfather painted? Nay it has a broken frame right now. My Navy memorabilia? Could be. (Most is packed away though).....




I thought.... and thought.... and thought....


Finally I answered that she might like my special Teddy Bear. Treasure was a gift to me from an Aunt and Uncle when my first of two younger brothers was born in 1975. She quickly became my best friend. She seemed so big to me when I was a child. She would hide me from monsters in the closest or under the bed. She made the hurt go away when I cut my finger off or had my tonsils out. She was there when I needed someone to listen and not talk. She kept all my secrets.



She has been with me through everything, slept on with me until K was born (seriously), then just slept on my bed during the day and next to my bed at night.



She has caught so many of my tears and shared my joys. I wish I had the pictures of her next to me just about every Christmas morning. The Christmas I got my first camera, she was happy to smile for me and let me practice.



Now she just hangs out on my dresser, ready for me and wearing one of K's dresses from babyhood. She is the reason I love teddy bears and why I have a huge collections of them. K's nickname from me is K---Bear, yes for that reason.



I can't even remember how or when she got her name. Was it when I was 2-ish yrs old? Was I older? Did I have help?



Well all I know is she is a treasure to me and I will have her for my whole life. I hope once I am gone (I want to be cremated so no burying her with me).... I hope my kids will keep her to remember me by, and hopefully pass her down to their kids.... if she makes it that long, that is.


Do you have one? Do your kids? Please feel free to leave it in the comments or share on your blog! (leave a comment with link to your blog, if you do)

Late Fun Monday - Assignment Aug 18

So I decided way late to do the Fun Monday assignment for this week! It is hosted by Lisa .

Here is the assignment: What is one thing you would like to ask your readers? Come up with a question to pose to your visitors and throw it out there on Monday. As we’re all visiting each other’s Fun Monday posts we should answer the various questions we come across.


My question is: if you could go back to 13 yr old you, what would you say to yourself?

Photo Contest

Aimee at Greeblemonkey is an amazing photographer. I am a wannabe. She is launching a new monthly contest. Click banner above to visit the announcement, to find out how YOU TO can enter and see the others!

Here is my entry into the Greeblepix contest!

L at the beach.... This is just one in a series.
I love the beach.

..... and the rest was History....

So 2 yrs ago, I finally got to meet Goofball. We had been talking for close to 2 mths until we were ready and able to meet. Schedules being what they were, both parents, etc.... Ya know the drill. Plus no rushing this thing, right?

My honest first thought when I saw him.... "Wow, he is hot!"..... my second thought, "Well I guess this will be it, no way he will want to see me after this." Don't get me wrong, I really think I am cute and pretty BUT I am also overweight.... My ex couldn't stand it so why would this "stranger".... Right? Plus it was just a history of the guys I had dated or tried to/wanted to date. No fat chicks.

Anyway, two years later, I couldn't be happier with my life. I am sooo glad that he didn't say good bye to me (or ignored me after, like some losers do). We took things slow and it was perfect. Those first 6-8 mths were hard on me though because I just kept waiting for him to walk. He didn't and hasn't.... and trust me I have tried to push it a little bit. Not too much just a little. "OH for sure he is going to walk now." Nope. Either he is like me and is a gluten for punishment or else, he really does like me.

I also had pretty low self-esteem back then too. I didn't show him but I was pretty neurotic about this whole thing.... "Does he like me.... Does he not like me..... Does he like me.... " Those poor flowers. My friends were like "Shut up already."..... But finally, I got in to a comfortable place with this. I just chilled and enjoyed....

So to Goofball, I am so crazy about you. I appreciate you so much. You have been so awesome to me. Treating me so special and yes I know, you think it is the way I should be treated but not everyone would agree with you. I just like to tell you. I just enjoy each day for what it is and really try to fight that "What will the future be like" thing that us girls do. (don't deny it ladies, we all do it.... at least to a point). Anyway, sweetie, thanks for the memories and I look forward to many, many more.

A mother's plea..... The Baby

Great! So Goofball thinks I am raising a wuss. Niiiccceee.

He says one reason is because I call my youngest "Baby." Well damn he is my baby, what can I say? Right? He just is the youngest and therefore is called the baby. But hey, I call my other ones baby sometimes too. In fact, K just fussed at me because she said she can never tell who I am talking to. I called the dog baby and K answered, I said No, the dog.... see the confusion....

Anyway....

I know that he needs male role models in his life, since his dad is only in it once in a while. I try to get him around good, positive male role models as much as possible.

Also, I honestly don't baby him as much as I used to either. He is doing things for himself that I used to do for him. So we are getting there.

Yet, I just have to say, I am doing the best I can. I won't be having any more children,and I am finally starting to accept that fact, so please let me morn that in my own way. Please let me relish his "babyness" as long as he will let me. He has already grown-up way faster than my older two. He crawled at 5 mths old. He was running by a year old. He has been trying to be 8 and 6 yrs older than himself since birth.

Please, please don't make me feel bad about how I am raising my children. I already question my every move like I am being followed by a camera crew and every child rearing expert.

He will grow up into a fine man, I am sure of that. He is a great kid. There is NOTHING wrong with him. Nothing.

He is just "The Baby."

And then I just have to pass the mic over to Mr. Blake Shelton to tell the rest of the story for me..... Blake is a hottie! but I like him better with his short hair more than this long.




**** Most of this is written in teasing, sarcasm....

Working hard on my blog

I have been reading, searching, reading, searching to find new things that I can use to make this blog bigger, better and get me some more traffic.

I ran across this on Problogger.com. I just found this website and I have a little crush on it now. It rocks. It is like the best of everything I have been wanting to/needing to know all rolled into one easy to read website.

Anyway, the link above says, basically, that only 1% of readers comment (give or take). Wow. That makes sense, since my number per day is much higher than my comments.

My biggest hits are Voodoo Doll Curse and What makes a man sexy.... Interesting. These weren't even that well written nor popular when I wrote them but a lot of people are searching for this. (Also single mom fingering herself or mom fingering herself..... Hmmm, yeah that isn't on this blog but thanks for stopping by....) But anyway these topics are highly searched for.

With that in mind, I am actively working on driving more traffic here but I know that just getting them here is only part of the battle, I need to write better and on more interesting topics. I need something to keep them here. I need to learn what those things are.

But what do I have to do, read on....

I do have a niche which is something people are looking for. Not just random crap. But when they come here, I need them to know what they will find. Not like Voodoo curses, that has nothing to do with being a Single Mom or dating or raising kids, ex husband and a new stepmom. These are the things I need to focus the most on. However, I think adding things that interest me, catch my attention or in other ways shape who I am, can be interesting and need to be added every once in a while. I think this just helps my readers and friends learn more about me. I'm totally like an onion. I have many layers. I add a little flavor to your life and I can sometimes make ya cry. (okay maybe not that last one)

But what else do I need to do, read on.....

I have openly admitted I need to let the inside voice out. This is forthcoming as I work behind the scenes on some ideas and tweak my writing. In addition, I also need to work on my writing style, which I think has evolved a lot since I started but still needs some work, like writing more with my inside voice and working on my vocabulary. I have thought about rewriting/republishing a few things from my past that I thought were good but I didn't really have the readers back then. I am not so arrogant that I think that people go back too often in archives.

The other thing I am working on is a new blog design and layout. Something a bit more me! Something that screams "Single Mom Finding Herself!" I just don't know how long it will take to get it together.... I still need to learn just HOW to do that.

And, last but not least, I have also read that I need to identify what my goals are with blogging.... Well besides finding myself, sharing my struggles with raising three kids, dating and depression/anxiety, my other main goal is to make a little money. I will be adding some more ads. I realize this can make it look crowded and almost seem like a push to click here, click here, click here! but I am hoping that I will add items and products of interest to most so maybe we can help each other out, especially with the holidays coming, maybe some ads about shopping can help. I know I shop online! It saves a lot of time and even money.

If you have a tip for me or ideas on how I can make this blog better, I would love to hear those! Or if you have any words of encouragement, leave me a comment. Thanks!

Are you special?

Have you had that one special person in your life? You know the one that made a big splash when he/she landed in it? Maybe you look at that time as a turning point, when your life would never be the same.... You would forever carry a piece of that person with you, even when they aren't in it anymore.

and then.....

Some day you are walking down the street just minding your own business when all of a sudden bricks fall from the sky..... okay it just feels like it.... but this person pops in your head. You stop and wonder how they are? Where they are? Why are they not in your life anymore?

And maybe....

They never knew how they changed your life, touched your life and turned everything around for you. They didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary. They were just themselves. They might just shrug it off if you told them how much they inspired you, helped mold you, changed you and saved you from yourself.

And if you are lucky, you may have more than one person in your life kinda like this. I have and yes, I totally believe you can have several turning points or "Aha" type of moments in your life. Life is both too short and too long. We meet so many people as we go. Some for just moments, think the cashier at the grocery store, maybe he or she is there working for a year or two. This isn't someone you are close to but they are indirectly part of your life. Maybe there is someone who you have watched from afar, a co-worker or neighbor that has shown strength in a bad situation. Or think of someone you have known for a long time, maybe even someone that comes in and out at different moments. I have a few friends like this. One I have know since 5th grade. She and I touch base randomly, it works for us somehow. If you think of this, we can meet so many people that can shape us.

But it is the really special people that we don't forget. They touched us so deeply and will forever be in our hearts.

Did you have someone like that or do you now?

My inside voice

No not the one I use while indoors nor voices in my head, but secret thoughts, weird thoughts, even potentially intelligent thoughts! Things I never or rarely say to people in real life.

There are so many awesome bloggers who can let their inside voice out. And again, things an indoor voice is not... Not really personal thoughts, deep secrets and skeletons in the closest type of posts, that would be "blogging naked." That I have done.

However, what I mean is those thoughts that seem too morbid or too insane to let out in normal life. But with blogs, you can do it and others use their inside voice to comment. They don't judge or at least if they do it is different somehow.

Not to leave anyone out but one great example of a blogger that can do this is The Bloggess aka as Jenny. She rocks. She is the type of person that you meet and just know she is awesome but then she writes and you KNOW she is awesome. I have had the honor of meeting her.... She is everything you would imagine you to be, like Mother Teresa, only better. No really!

I want to/need to do this but I just keep holding back. There are reasons I guess I don't. I sometimes believe I truly am crazy but that doesn't seem like a reason not to, just a really good reason to do plus I would have great material, right?

But, I guess I don't want to be judged because people have told me I am crazy and meant it, not in a good way. I was so emotional beaten in my marriage that I just want to surround myself with people that tell me how great I am. But there are ways to say I am crazy but make me feel good about it.

So what to do, what to do?

I know the answer. Really I do.

Looking at my goals for this blog and me, I am trying to get more traffic to my blog and trying to write a book. To make these two efforts successful, I must/have to open up and let that inside voice out. People like that. I will also have to really focus (or refocus or whatever) on what this blog is about: being single, being a mom, balancing work and family and also dating.... but I also want to do more. I want to write about all the crazy things I think of or some of my beliefs without getting all "You will believe this too!" on you. Cuz that ain't me!

Soooo stay tuned.... and if you are new or haven't commented, please, please, please (don't make me beg) do it! so I know you are out there! My numbers have slowly been going up and I want to keep them going up!up!UP!

Wordless Wednesday.....

Just take a guess? (okay not completely wordless)

That didn't take long.....

We are already having fights, whining and drama, and I am losing it. I just hate fighting of any kind. I really hate when I get upset.... when I get upset, it makes me more upset THAT I am upset. Yeah, see I am that crazy.

I am ready for life to get back to normal: school, work and house, so that maybe we won't get on each other's nervous quite so much. But I still don't fell quite normal yet.

Also I forgot how expensive the kids are! We have cooked at home about half the time but I haven't had a chance to get to the store. Plus I have had a house full of workers so it has been easier to sneak out during the time they are here. I tried to cook with them here and we just get in each other's way... I bought most of the school supplies but I had to go get a few more things.... even on sale they are expensive. Ack!

Anyway, we are doing well. Getting back in the groove... sort of.... but it is just good to have them all home!

Yesterday!

I got my babies back yesterday. Wooooohoooooo!!!!! I am so happy to have them back. There are a few things that make me sad about this summer but it is over and I got them home so it doesn't matter anymore.

I am hoping that next year will be a shorter visit. Maybe they can do two shorter visits during the summer, rather than one long one. But while I say that now, we will see what happens before it is time to make that decision.

At any rate, I feel complete again. And L, came home with two wiggly teeth! Coooool. His first.

So just going enjoy the moments.....

Back to school

As a mom to school-aged kids, my year isn't really based on the calendar (Jan - Dec). Nope, my year is run by the school's calendar. This year we start back on Aug 25th.

So in the spirit of back to school, let's sing! (I couldn't find a good video of the actually opening scene so this one is the song with just various clips... )




I have been a mom to a schoolager for a long time now. K start Kindergarten in the Fall of 1999. This year I will have a 9th grader (yikes!), a 7th grader (double yikes) and a 1st grader (triple yikes, time flies).

As I was thinking about ideas for my back to school thread, I was sent an email asking if I would consider posting some links to Readers Digest articles about back to school. First of all, he complimented my blog! Thanks. I like compliments! ha, ha. But also, I personally have always liked RD and used to read it regularly.... Then I looked through most of the articles, I think these are really good tips for any mom! I know I will be reading and putting some of these tips and other information to use this year. Especially the article about Home School Connection. We need a better schedule/routine.

So check'em out. Good stuff.


Homemade school supplies

Back-to-School Fun With Food

Back to School Safety Tips

Back-to-School 101

Back-to-School Checklist

Smart Back-to-School Health Solutions

School supplies Checklist

School lunchbox recipes

9 School Sports Injuries and Prevention Tips

Home School Connection


Oh and my own personal tip, buy extra supplies right now while they are on sale and everywhere! Right around January and about 5 mins before we are walking out the door (late, again, of course), someone needs colored pencils or a ruler or even a pencil and can I find one in the house??? NO!

I also admit, I don't make lunches. They all buy at school. It really does save me money in the long run (and time, stress and I don't get the not ham and cheese again!)

At any rate, a pet peeve and safety thingy here.... please be aware of when schools in your area start and then WATCH the speed limit, WATCH for kids and just be safe.

Too much time on my hands or....

I have been watching a lot of television but I just lovey this commercial.

Oh and yes, I am still on medical leave from work. We can't figure it out and by we, I mean the doctors. I had some more blood drawn today. Getting a 24hr EEG on Thursday/Friday. Gotta see my counselor again. Need to get a MRI and also need to contact a new doc about pain management. Also need to fit in another trip to both my primary care and the neurologist.... all before the 25th.... or there about....

Waaayyyyy toooo cute!!

I thought this was way too cute not to share. Someone posted this on a dog lover's group I recently joined. Make sure you have sound on or else this won't make sense!!

What is perfect?

This past week I caught some of the Dr. Phil show. The topic was Perfectionist Mothers. I am not here to talk about Dr. Phil or debate liking him/not because I realize you either love him or hate him. Personally I love him. He doesn't claim (in my opinion) to be the answer but just to give people that common sense/wake up moment they need. He seems to offer his guests resources to help them after the show.... of course I don't know as I am not part of the show and I haven't been on it. But I can see why people might not like him.

Anyway, back on point. I can't remember if it was Dr. Phil or one of the guests but someone said something about not everyone or everything can be perfect. My thought to that was, "But why can't things be perfect for each of us?" Meaning why can't things be perfect for us.... not perfect in the "nothing goes wrong" way but perfect in the "this is just what I wanted" way, or at least most of the time.

Like if you go shopping and you find an outfit. No wait, not just any outfit but THE outfit. The one that when you put it on you just are so feeling it. Yes, this is the one. This is the perfect color for me, the perfect fit. But think about this, that same outfit might not be perfect for the person in the next dressing room. She might be trying the exact same thing on, yet she thinks, "No way. This just isn't right. The color is wrong and I don't think this fits well either." She may go through two or three more outfits before she says, "Yes this is perfect."

That is what I think perfect is. It is something different for each person. Perfect is just that. What we think is perfect for us. There is no right or wrong perfect.... it just is.

So even though it doesn't seem perfect to everyone, I think my life is pretty darn close to it. Yes, I truly, truly believe this. I have great people in my life. I have great things in my life, and goings on in my life. This is why I truly believe whatever this health problem is with me now, it is not depression and it is not anxiety. Though I do believe everyone is so focused on the anxiety part because this health issue seems to be causing the anxiety to surface, not the other way around. I am feeling sooo crazy with whatever it is. Yet I can still see how good my life is. I feel crazy and good at the same time. Perfect and wrong. Complete and empty. Light and dark....

And, I just want to enjoy my perfect life with all its imperfections. Don't you?

Feeling like a whiny baby!

and hating it! But I can't help it right now. I feel like crap! and I just want to lay down.

I have noticed my mood lately is either a big cry baby or I am pissed as hell. I am like mood swinging queen right now. I hate it! I hate it! I double hate it! (or maybe that is triple)

I feel like I am seriously fighting with myself. I keep thinking I should write about it (maybe a short story), call it the turmoil of a brain, or something cheesy like that. Maybe about how I can "hear" myself, the self I feel I am, in there somewhere but just barely because I have crazy me and angry me and wrapped up in herself me all fighting. And just so many other things that don't make sense.

I told my dad last night something like, "Well if you could hear what is going on in my head, you would know I am crazy." and I really believe that I am losing my mind.

And everyone keeps giving me well meant advise but what I need is for myself to get stronger and quiet the rest of the emotions and feelings in my head. Not so that I don't feel but so that I feel like me again. I know it will take some time, some rest and a lot of sorting it out as well as a lot of support, or at least as much as I can get.... Some people seem to be supporting me from as far away as possible. Some people just seem hell bent on keeping me down. And I am sure there are many more who are the same place as me.... "What can I do to help?" the answer..... I don't know.

If you got this far and still want to be my friend, woohoo! I will make you cookies or maybe a homemade ice cream sandwich. Or at least I will really appreciate it.... Thanks.

What is that sound?!?!

oh it is just the sound of construction!!!!! Yes! My remodel is FINALLY under way. I will try to post some before/after pics later and along the way.

I am soooo excited for it to be starting now. I know it will be a tough few months as they work on it but the end result is going to be AWESOME!!!!!

Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday to you....

I hope it is great!

To Goofball

I am crazy about you....

Ya gotta have standards!!!

Call me shallow. Call me crazy BUT I think you have to have some standards when dating. Also I mean, hello there are millions of people in the world, how do you narrow it down?

I have certain "rules" or standards if you will about dating. I have tried to steer clear of dating guys with the same names as my dad or brothers or any of my cousins or uncles that I am close to. For the most part this has worked. I have dated a few with the same names and Goofball has the same name as one of my cousins but I am not as close to that cousin so it is okay.

Then since all women no matter what they say think about marriage (just that some are at different stages, but trust me guys to some degree ALL women think about it in some form.... I do but I also know I am not ready.... Not for years.... but I do hope some day in my future).... Anyway that was a bit off point.

This clip from Scrubs cracks me up because for one.... it is totally funny but two.... Well just watch it!




At any rate, that is another rule, ya gotta think about the last name because just in case, some day it could be yours. Right?

Then there are the preferences.... Me? I used to only be attracted to guys with blue eyes. Why? Because I wanted children with blue eyes. Well I have my children.... Then there is body type, I prefer that the guy be taller than me, at least just enough so I can wear heels sometimes. I am short so it isn't usually a problem. I like a guy with a nice chest, nice hands and a nice voice. Just some of the things that attract me.

But, I think the biggest and best advise I can give to women out there dating, just have standards and have low expectations as to where each relationship will go. Just me, you will be far less disappointed. Just enjoy each moment for that moment and try not to think about the future! (Yes again, marriage, I know! just don't start picking on rings and china patterns, okay?)

I just have been thinking that it seems like dating is harder or in our face more, what with all the online dating sites, reality shows to help people find love and all the talk shows about love, dating and relationships. Then what about all the books and hey blogs! I think it doesn't have to be so hard. Just know what you want, have standards, and keep your expectations low.... easy peezy lemon squeezy!

I miss my babies!!!!!

and tonight reality hit me hard in the heart. I just want them back, safe with me. I feel stupid, betrayed and lied to. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am back in that very controlling relationship where I can't do anything to help my children.

With the remodel starting this week, I can't bring them home yet. With construction people going to be coming in and out during the day, they can't be home alone. School starts at the end of August..... but even then, the remodel will still be going on. There is no good time right now.

I am just so sad. So miserable and feeling so stuck. I miss them. I hate hearing their sad voices and the tone of their voices is changed. I keep asking them "Are you okay?" They typically say yes but tonight a lot of the stuff came pouring out (separately). I told them they would be home soon and I missed and loved them.

It really just breaks the heart and turns on the mommy bear instinct. I want to tear someone up for the way they are treated. This is why I wanted a divorce but also why I stayed so long. I felt like I could "control" more of the behavior and support them more if I was in the same house. Now I am just at a loss. They are just too far for me to help them.

OMG.... I am going to cry. I am going to scream. I am going to throw things.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Good news, bad news

Okay so the bad news first.... I didn't get the new position but that is okay because really it is good news, in a way. I got really great feedback and was told that I interviewed great so really what more can I do. Nothing. Just try for another one later. When it is right, it will be right. I would love to just advance within my current department and/or develop my current position into more. Sooo in the end, I feel good.... so is this really bad news??

Anyway, the good news, the remodel is going to start next week!!!!! Hurray!!!! Of course I could turn this into bad news because ack, 2-3 mths of construction in my house. The kids will be back in a few weeks so we won't really even be half way through it. So in the end, is this good news? Yes! because soon I will have a brand new bedroom, bathroom, kitchen floor, roof and the boys' room will be done much nicer.

In other news, I am crazy for a guy. A very special guy. I call him Goofball. I can't wait to see him again soon.

Update and stuff

Hello. Thanks for the well wishes. I am feeling much better and we have a solution for now. We are going to take me off the Cymbalta (wean me off, not cold turkey, YIKES). We believe that I am having some of the more serious side effects. And while I know Wikipedia isn't always viewed as a credible source, I find this article very accurate in knowing many of the symptoms I have been having....

Anyway, I started taking 30 mg today and will continue this for a week and then no more.

Still no word on the job. Still not sure when the remodel will start. Not sure when I get my babies back. I have no idea on much, do I?

So that is that. Hopefully I will have some good blog entries posted soon. I have tons of notes and half things written, just haven't felt up to posting.

Health issues....

So for several weeks or so, I have been having some weird symptoms. But then on Thursday I started having seizures or ticks, I guess. I am not sure. The docs are calling them seizures or seizure-like. Thursday I was taken by ambulance to the ER but most of that was not just the seizure activity, I was so scared I had an anxiety attack with it.

Then on Friday I had these episodes almost continuously from 8:30 am until 1:00 pm. They were me out but I wasn't as scared about it. Not that I am not worried but at least not scared.

Soooo no answers but a lot of tests so far. I have a few more appointments this coming week so hopefully I will get an answer soon.

Exactly how I feel! (Writer's Block)

This is exactly how I feel right now with my writer's block. (BTW - Jen Lancaster ROCKS. Love her writing style) It isn't that the words aren't there, but I keep finding other things that get in the way of my just sitting my ass down and writing.

I went to Goofball's on Sunday and I got a ton of good writing done. None since. Durnit!

I think part of my problem is that I want it to be perfect the first time which logically I know isn't the case. That is why there are editors or I can be my own editor.... Sorta. I mean I would need a real one too but.... Ya know. Right?

Oh and did I not mention I was writing a book?? I have been inspired and really want to get my story down. Will anyone read it? Will anyone care? I don't know but I still want to write it out.

Anywho, writer's block.... it sucks.

So what's going on?

I am glad you asked. There seems to be a lot going on in my life right now.

The house remodel is a go-go! The contractor is working on getting the permits so we can start. I doubt it will be done before the kiddos get back but hopefully a large part of it is.

Then on Wednesday I interviewed for a new position at work. It just kind of happened! I wasn't even looking for a new one yet. At my company they are all about career development and encourage movement to new positions sooooo typically you don't stay in a position more than 18 mths - 2 yrs.... After 2 yrs, you should be looking and posting for a new position.

Anyway, I feel good about the interview. I did the best I could and that is all I can do. I know if I were to get the job, I would do a great job but if I don't, cool. I will just keep looking.... at least now I will. Because I realized I am ready to move on or up or over.... I want something different.


Well and really I guess that is it. I thought it was more. The more is really just unanswered questions and thoughts in my mind, I guess. There is a lot of projects/events and things going on at work too. I have an event on Monday, Tuesday and then the following Monday.... and I think on Thursday as well, the 17th?

Sooooo anyway, that's me. Just living the best I can. Enjoying time with Goofball. Enjoying time with my pup. Enjoying my quiet time and trying to rest a lot before the kiddos get back in about 5 weeks.... Wow!

July 3, 2008

I have been a bit quiet lately. There has just been so much going on! Stuff I will try to blog about soon, but today is a special day. Today my ex got remarried to a wonderful lady. I have told her that I couldn't have picked a better step mom for my kids. She has said she will take care of them and keep communication open with me. We have a very special relationship and now that seems to have become more special.

I know it may seem weird to many but I think this is the best case scenario for us and I actually love it. I am very happy that I did reach out to her and start the friendship because it really has given so much back to me. She is amazing with my children. Us having a friendship has really helped my children too. K is far less dramatic and stressed over the divorce and the new people her parents' life's.

As hard as it was at first to see him so happy with someone else and to see someone else just full to bursting with love for him, I put that aside for my kids and I have been surprised that I am reaping some many benefits from it as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish them the best and hope many, many years of happiness for them.

Will I still hold some resentment over his "freedom" and ability to move on so quickly, and the fact he lives so far away and so many things? Yes I might but I feel it is normal to feel that way. I feel that way less often than I once did and now it is only when something major happens and I just really need that extra parent to be there. But I am getting through it and I know that my kids respect me for it. They know who is here everyday and that means a lot to me.

In fact today I asked my daughter to be strong, after all she is my daughter. She said I know, we are strong. and I just grinned and thought, yes ma'am we are.

The big birthday week

This week my oldest and youngest celebrate their bdays!!!! She will be 14 and he will be 6. Wow! When did this happen? They are getting so grown and I have no more babies. Though K did tell me when she was about 3 that she would always be my baby, no matter how old she was. Aw thanks baby.

It makes me a bit sad that they are away from me but..... that sounds whiny but not meant to be. I know that I am blessed to have them and I will have them back in just a few weeks (okay more like 5-6)....

Soooo Happy birthday to my two babies! I miss you very much (all three of you) and can't wait to see you all again soon. I hope you each have a great day. Maybe next year I will be able to kiss you both good morning on your special day!

Patience is my middle name

Most people think it is Jean but no, it is patience. I often joke that if I were a doctor I would be rich (patients - patience)..... Cheesy I know.

Anyway, I waited 8 years to get a divorce. I knew for 8 years it was over.... and yet I was patient and waited until the time was right.

I waited for far too long to get my new car. I was patiently waiting again, for the right time.

I waited months and 5 dates for a first kiss. I waited for several more months after that to admit to myself I was in love and then more than a year it took me to admit it to him. Again, the time had to be right....

I waited for the right time to get a dog. To go back to school. To get the right job. To buy a Wii.

I wait. I wait. I wait.

I do this with everything. I say I want to take risks but do I? No. I wait and hope and wish and talk and dream about things but I don't make them happen. I sometimes wish I had a little cricket to help me make decisions.

At any rate, I am patiently waiting for what is to come next thing. What is it? I don't know but I can be patient. I can wait.

After all, it is my name.....

Up, down and all around

My mood that is. One minute I'm up, one down and the next somewhere in between. I swear I have been on some emotional roller coaster and it sucks. Why oh why?

It is driving me crazy and actually hurting me physically. I feel insane. I hate this. Hate it!

I feel like crying. I hate crying. I mean don't get me wrong it is normal and natural but I still hate it. It is useless to cry for nothing you can fix or control.... but I guess it helps get the emotions out but still.....

I know I am not insane but it just feels that way.

I know I will feel better, how? when?

Having it all?

I realized something tonight but before I get to that let me tell you the back story on it.

I talked to the kiddos tonight and they were telling me about their dad and stepmom's new house. It is like "nana and grandpa's house".... That is wow to me. My parents live in a very upscale neighborhood and there house is very typical of the style right now. Two story, about 3000 sq ft, 4 bedrooms 2 and 1/2 bath, etc. Right? Except the ex's house has a game room too. Alrighty then.

So I was thinking about "Wow, well I guess they have it all." I then called my aunt to chat. She is my single mom role model even though she is now remarried but my cousin was grown before she got remarried and in fact, he walked her down the aisle. Anyway, so I was talking to her about how the ex now seems to have "this life" and have it all. She said, "yeah but is that really what you want?"

Hmmm? No, actually it really isn't what I want. I mean yeah I wouldn't turn down a new house, hello! I am not an idiot but wow. I am really not ready for that.

So what I thought of is just because he now has his soon-to-be new wife, new house, new car, two incomes and currently the kiddos. It is kinda like "The American Dream" so to speak, right? Isn't that what we grow up thinking the American Dream was about. Having all those things?

Well why does that have to be "having it all" to everyone. I feel like I actually do have it all, in many ways. I have more than many people so they may say I have it all. And ya know what, I feel like I do.

I mean I do have my kids most of the year for the good and the bad. I have a good job with a great company. I have a new car which I worked really hard to get and will never take for granted. I have support of my parents and other family members. I have my pup and my cats to snuggle with when I am sad. I have Goofball to make me laugh and tell me I am pretty even when I don't feel like I am. So I really do have it all, right? Just in my own way and own reality.

Sooo that is what I realized today. I am happy with my life and happy that I have it all. Is there more I want? Sure, a little more money, a little more house, a little less worry over paying bills, world peace and a vacation. But, I am content.

She freakin' rocks!!!!

The kids went to stay with dad and the soon-to-be stepmom.... who to make this shorter will be referred to as either SM or stepmom because she almost is and it is shorter.

Anyway so I get an email this morning from her. She gives me an update on how the kids are doing and what they have all been up to. She took L to the library and got him a ton of books. He loves books but needs practice with his reading. So they are working on a reading log. Love her! Then she found out about a teen program at the library. Last night was creative writing and she took K up there. She said that she was proud of K for going because it was a big step to go somewhere new. K loves writing and I am sure she loved it! On Saturday there is a teen girls thing for a few hours of watching movies, girl talk and eating junk food. How fun!!!

Then she was going to take the kids swimming. She said the kids like the new house and haven't fought as much as they did in the apartment.

Anyway, I am so glad that I reached out to her to form this friendship as strange as it may be to some. It is really a good thing and she is awesome. It is also making it a little easier to be away from the kids this summer. I know what they are doing and I know that she is keeping them busy, and truly cares for them.

Milk and cookies

Nothing fixes problems quite like milk and warm cookies right out of the oven! Not to mention it is almost bed time. I know I will sleep good tonight!!!!

I am still feeling overwhelming, confused and like I screwed up which is stupid but I still feel that way.

I am mostly drained. I need him to hold me and tell me that things will be okay. He has become such an important person in my life and someone I just can't imagine giving up or losing.

But I don't regret the words I said or how I feel. Life is just too short not to share feelings with someone so that is why I said it. I haven't lost a lot of people in my life yet. Some that I did lose, I know or at least hope they know what they meant to me. I tell my kids a lot. In my family, we didn't grow up saying "I love you." but I do try to say it to my parents and grandmothers. I want to say it more but it is hard. With all the kids, I can. My nieces and nephews should all know how I feel about them.

But, I digress that isn't what this is about. What this is about is that I am starting to feel a bit better and I am sure I will continue to feel better as time goes by. I know how he feels about me and honestly that is all I expect or want from him. I understood the situation going into it and I still understand. I am not asking him to change and know he can't/won't. I like him so that's good!!! I wouldn't know what to do if he did change... ha, ha.... I am not trying to pressure him into anything else either.

So anyway, if you are down and feeling blue, bake some cookies and get some milk. It is comforting just like home.

Overwhelmed

I had a bit of a rough night and just need someone to talk to about it..... but then I don't want to talk about it either. It is too overwhelming and I actually rarely cry though I joke about it often.... I did cry a lot.

And, no nothing to do with the kids, not the ex, not work, nothing like that.

No what happened is something that isn't really bad but it feels like it. Something I thought I wouldn't do again, something I haven't felt in years and really never like this.

What is it that has me all tied in knots, crying my eyes out and just feeling horrible??

Oh just that I let myself fall in love but worse than that, I admitted it out loud to him knowing he didn't and can't return those feelings.... and before you all start saying mean things, its difficult. I understood going in and I took a risk, isn't that what all this is about anyway? Taking a leap of faith, taking risks and potentially getting hurt?

Anyway saying it out loud was what was overwhelming, letting myself actually feel it is overwhelming, knowing that he can't return those thoughts is overwhelming.... He does in his own way have some feelings for me and I understand that too.

I'll just enjoy what it is. I am glad that I said it, I just wasn't ready for the flood of emotion it would let out. I have been in love before or at least what I thought was love. This is different and I hope that he will accept that but know that I am not pressuring him for more than he is able and/or ready to give me. I just enjoy being with him and hope that I give him a little something to distract from his reality.

*sigh*

Dale Jr wins!!! Losing streak over

He won!!!!!!! Woooohooo!!!!! He is awesome and I am soooo excited for him!!!!

Rock on, Dale Jr! You are awesome (and hot!).

Happy Father's Day to all the dads

Wishing you all a great day.

..... and they are gone......

I have been pretty quiet the last several days because I have been trying to get the kiddos ready to go with their dad for the summer. Well today was the day!

I have a mix of feelings over it. Happy to sad to lost to scared and everywhere in between.

One thing that has me a little scared is how things are changing. See their dad and his girlfriend .... they are getting married this summer. We just told the kids today. K is pretty upset but I know she likes her. But K says she doesn't want a stepmom.

I like her myself and told her I couldn't have picked a better stepmom for my kids. She really is great. We have been talking for weeks and I have been giving her more of an idea of who my kids are. I don't think their dad really knows them anymore.... at least not like I do.

Not to mention they are a very cute couple and much, MUCH better suited to each other than he and I ever were so I am so thrilled for them (mostly her).

I guess we will see how they do after another long stay with them. Last summer they came back a bit of a mess so I hope they do better this year. The only thing I DON'T want to happen is for L to lose his first tooth with them. Silly I know but I am with him almost all year and I want to be there for his milestones..... I feel like I have earned and it is what I signed up for! The ex chose to move rather than be here for the day to day stuff. I'll deal of course but still....

Soooo my plan is just to chill out a lot. Have some quiet and downtime. I also want to spend some quality time with Goofball.... I am crazy about that man.

Enjoy your summer all!

And he swims!

L had swim lessons the summer before last but because of the custody agreement, he is now with his dad during the summer. There are a few places here that offer year around swim lessons but mostly it is summer when they are offered.

Anywho so he has really not had a lot of practice and has been using a floaty ring. But this Spring I started trying to get him out of the ring. He is nearly six.

Well today we went to my parents' so the kids could swim and play with their cousins. L started out in the ring, then just walking around in the swallow end (he is tall enough to walk around about half the pool). Then he started putting his face in to the water, then most of his head, then all of his head and then he was actually going all the way under several inches. Then he was pushing off the bottom and gliding a little.

Then he got even more brave and started jumping into the pool. First with the floaty ring but after a couple of jumps, the rings was completely forgotten. He was jumping and jumping and actually going under water. He was having fun.

Soon he was back to practicing his gliding and before long was adding arms and legs.

He was SWIMMING!!!! I am soooo proud.

The Birthday Party

So L's bday is this month but not until later in the month; however, since the kids will be with their dad for his bday and because I wanted to make sure his friends could come, I had it today!

I can't believe he is going to be six in a few months. 6, six, 6!!! When did that happen, this is my baby, my youngest.... and my last. I have really tried to enjoy each moment of it because I feel like the other two just grew up way too fast and he is following in that trend.

While, yes, I feel at times I take him (them) for granted. I do try to slow down and enjoy them all. And yes they do drive me crazy at times but never to the point that I can't get over it after a little downtime.

Anyway, back to the Bday party. He had a blast, I had a blast, my mom had a blast! Everyone did. We had it at a local pizza kid place and not the one with the mouse (or is he a rat?).... It was perfect. We had a room, a host, she played games with the kids. I brought a cake. They ate pizza, they had cake, presents were given and opened. Then we let them go to the game room to play. I drove a go-cart! I played air hockey with L and then my mom! The kids all played a ton of games and got lots of tickets.

I am so glad that I did it there! I am thrilled that it went well. Tons of great pics, tons of fun memories. Overall, good day.

Despite my happy....

My house is giving me twitches. It is TRASHED! It is one thing about the summer and not having the kids that I am looking forward to.... Having a CLEAN house! Does that make me a bad mom? Nope but they might think so. Other parents might understand and we could compare stories.

My daughter just came in here and I pointed to "hot spots"..... She shrugged and walked out. Probably sorry she came in.

My room used to be JUST MY ROOM! Now it seems like the kids are starting to take over, oh plus I now share the room with a dog. The most spoiled dog in the world! He has way too many toys. It is like Toys R Us for dogs around here. But it keeps him busy and we have had few (knock on wood) accidents.

My new couch is completely covered in crap.... End of the school year crap. Ya know, all that stuff from the lockers and desks that has just been there are year waiting for this moment. Half of erasers, teeny tiny pencils, wrappers from cereal bars that really could go in the trash but somehow just didn't make it, graded papers, ungraded papers that never made it to the teacher's desk, etc, etc, etc..... One cushion is off of the couch as well. Okay? Then how many people actually live in this house? 4! So why are there like 50 cups, plates and bowls all over. It looks like the morning after a Frat party.

So anyway, I sit here blogging instead of cleaning and not only am I sitting here blogging instead of cleaning, I am whining and complaining about my messy house instead of doing something about it.

Well ya know what I always say:

"If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

Happiness is a smiling dog!

I soooo wish I could have gotten a picture of Cowboy playing today! He was grinning the biggest grin. He was having a blast! We took him to the dog park and then to the kid park where there is a water park like thing. It is like sprinklers. He was just running and bouncing and grinning and just having a blast thinking he was a kid!

The dog park is an experience like nothing else in the world! Some people should not take their dogs to the dog park or maybe they should have started MUCH sooner so the dog gets used to it and how to act. My dog loves it and is friendly without being TOO friendly! and if he were a little kid, he would be running and giggling, yelling "Look at me! Mommy! Look at me!"

My kids had a blast too. I am so glad I got off my butt and took them all up there. And, see this is the meat of my post today. I am happy. I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. Oh don't get me wrong I haven't been miserable for a long time but I haven't felt this good about things in a long time.

I have been on a new med for about a month now and it has been GREAT! It is suppose to help with both my depression/anxiety issues and also my pain from my neck and back. Bingo! It worked for both. Treating one was so not working but now, awesome! I am actually happy. It is such a foreign concept to me.

I am more relaxed, in general, though the kids were pushing me on Sunday but that's okay, Goofball got me to relax after a bit. He always makes me smile, even when I don't want to.

But anyway, I have a lot going for me too, so not only do I feel G.R.E.A.T! I have a lot of great things going on. My kids, my favorite guy, my job, my NEW car, my special, special puppy and just so many things.

Anyway, just had to share the happiness with everyone! And yes, dogs do smile.

Late, late... Always late!

I never used to be late. Never. When did this happen? When did I start to be late to EVERYTHING!!!!????

I know it has nothing to do with kids because I was fine until a few years ago. Do you think it is because there is only one parent/grown up in the house? Because I have to take care of everything AND get myself ready??

Yes that is probably it. I have no help and even though ALL my kids are old enough to get themselves ready, dressed, etc.... I still have to stay right on top of them and get them moving.

"Are you up?"
"Why aren't you up?"
"This is your last warning!!"
"YOU ARE STILL NOT UP!"
"Why don't you have anything to wear? I did all the laundry!"
"Too bad, wear those pants and no I don't care if you don't like them!"
"Does anyone in this house tell time besides me? Cuz we are late AGAIN!"


Right now we are suppose to be going to have lunch with my grandmother. We are only 40 mins late but I have already called to let her know that we are all running slow this morning.

And, yes this morning I am running on low to no energy, and yes I sit here not quite ready but before I blow a gasket! Nobody was getting ready but me so I was getting to the boiling point. I hate losing my temper it is such a waste and I hate fighting... again kind of a waste (though sometimes necessary-ish).

Okay so anyway now that everyone is waiting on me.... I better go.... Oh wait what is that noise?? Ack! The boys are fighting. It is going to be a long day.

Some news

I got a new car!!!!! That is right no more Big Green Monster!

I got a Saturn Vue. Sorry no pics right now. It is beautiful!!! I am so happy. Soo, soo happy. Most of my cars have been used. This is only my second new car.

In other news, I am heading to California tomorrow for work. I will be back on Friday. No computer from Tuesday until Friday when I get back.

Yikes!!!! How will I survive? No blogs. No message boards. No emails. No Goofball .... unless we somehow manage a call. Though I can check emails on my phone, it is a little hard to reply, not impossible just hard.

Soooo that's it from me.

Good Mom Feeling

Last week I put my foot down with K. She goes to a youth group on Tuesdays. Well last week she had a project due and I usually let her go with the promise that she will finish up when she gets back. But that has bit me in the butt more times than I can count.

But not this time! I said, No. Period. You will stay here and do your project.

She yelled. She screamed. She did it half-assed in crayon and the biggest handwriting.

I sent her back for another try. After much fussing and fuming, she finally buckled down and did it. She was proud. I was happy. She got a good grade on it! When she told me that just a few minutes ago, I got goosebumps.... Why??? Because I was the mean mom and it finally paid off!

She even said, "I am glad you made me stay and do that project." I almost cried. Seriously folks. How did I get so lucky??? I mean we fight, we don't talk, she has been talking about moving to her dad's.... but at the end of the day, she really does appreciate me.

This week in blog history....

.... is when I first started my blog. It was actually on the 22nd but I thought I would post a few things pre-blogaversary.

Today it is a request to my lurkers. Give me a hi! I see you on sitemeter.... and while I don't know exactly who you are, I see some "regular" lurkers. I know that sometimes it is hard to relate to posts and make comments but this one here. Is just for a quick shout out.

How did you find me? How often do you read? (some I know you stop by daily) And then anything else you might want to share.

I have an average of 25 clicks a day (unique clicks that is). But I don't get nearly that many comments. Again, I don't expect daily comments but every once in a while, it would be nice to "hear" from you. It keeps me motivated! :)

-----------------------------------------------

In other news, I have to get a new car sooner rather than later. As in my car is acting up yet again. It was just in the shop a few weeks ago to the tune of $712. Before that it was back in October with a price tag of around $800. I cannot keep doing this every few months or so. I just can't. It is just one reason for my bad credit.

Speaking of which has me really concerned about getting a loan for a new car. Ack! Oh well, some people do it.... I guess I will just try it and see what happens. I plan to start my search outside of my research on the Internet, coming up on this Friday. I will see if I can get financing and if not, not sure what I will do. Sink more and more into this Tank. I just don't know. But it isn't an option any longer. I have put it off for too long waiting to get "back on track" or "get ahead".... Like I tell people who wait to have children until they are financial ready.... You never will be, just do it.

Okay than, car dealers..... Here I come!

Lack of friends discussion.... again....

Not sure what to say. I am feeling a bit depressed at the moment. Not sure if it is because I have been sick for a week now and haven't been sleeping well but tonight (or really early this morning), I am feeling particularly lonely.

And lately I have been thinking about friends a lot, again. I have talked about my lack of friends, or at least in the immediate area and my lack of.... gosh, I don't know. Just friends.

So yesterday K and I were talking about friends, and what makes a best friend. She said it was time she has known them is the first factor, then how they treat her, etc.

I have one friend that I rarely talk to that I have known since 5th grade. I give her the credit for teaching me all the bad words and how to use them. Love her! But sadly our life's just don't cross as much as I would like and she has expressed the same. She lives about 30-40 mins from me which might as well be on the other side of the world. She has 3 small children and I, of course, have mine. It is just kind of sad because when we have been able to get together, it is great, like time had not passed so much.

Then I have another friend. She is one I will always consider my best friend because she just gets me like nobody else ever has. K's middle name is for her. I haven't seen her in person since 2000.... How sad is that? I miss her a lot but have a funny way of showing it because I rarely email her anymore. I don't call. I don't text. I suck!!!! She is just the best person though and I know that if I need anything, I can just say the word and if possible, she does it. Usually I just need to talk because like I said, nobody gets me like her.

I also have another local friend who I used to share an office with in my first post-Navy job. I love her a lot!!! Our life's have taken different paths but we have tried to stay in touch. She is just a sweet person and I love having her in my life because I think in some ways she is so different from me and I admire her for that. But in others, we are so much alike. She has one little boy (just turned 2!!!) and a little girl on the way soon. She also lives about 30-40 mins from me. Hard to get together.

Then I have all my Internet Friends.... I just don't even have the words to describe what they mean to me. They have gotten me through some very tough times because they are always there. The Internet is never closed. It is on even in the middle of the night. There are select ones that I have been closer to at times than others and some I am not close to at all but I know that if I need a slap back to reality someone will do it or if I need a pick-me-up, they will do that too. We live all over and have been part of a group for over 6 years now. I would soooo be lost without them.

I would mention Goofball here but this is really about female friends. He is awesome despite the fact he wanted me to write about what an ass he is, just to see what the reaction is from my readers. Even if you can be an ass, you haven't been to me!!! (yet?) You are so amazingly sweet to me, more than any guy has ever been. I can't believe a person like you exists and that you are into me??? It just blows my mind to think about it. I have had some really crappy dating experiences, let me just tell you.

So back to the post......

I guess I have always been kinda a social butterfly in that I never really stay in one "group" or with one set of friends. I don't really get super close to any friend(s) for long and just kind of flit around. One person might fill my current need in my life and then another. I don't spend much time on the phone with people (except my mother and youngest brother). I don't have regular email chats with anyone besides Goofball. I guess it just isn't who I am to have just a long time friend that is just .... I don't know. I can't seem to express it and maybe that is why I don't have it and sometimes I think, am I really missing anything since I have never had this??? But then there are times like now that I feel that missing piece and wonder, should I try harder???

I like having friends but I guess I am not the all the time social type. I guess that is the way to say it.

I would rather hang out with my kids and my guy (oh and don't forget my dog). I would rather spend time with that one special person, that guy in my life and be happy with that. If we have friends around from time to time, awesome. I love to entertain or to go out with friends. But I just guess I am not the on the phone all the time, emailing daily, over each week, shopping pals kinda girl. It is great in spurts but that's it.....

Does that even make sense???? I will probably read this later today and say, What the heck was I talking about!!!!????

The greatest love and the biggest heartbreaks

are caused by the same thing..... Kids. I love my kids so much and what I tell first time parents, you cannot believe how much you can love another person until you have a child. It is true. It is such a different kind of love. The kind that you just cannot describe, you just have to experience it.

When they give you that first "I know you" smile. When they walk to you for the first time, reach up for comfort, kiss you or say "I love you, mommy." for the first time. It is huge stuff. Huge love. True love. Parent to child love.....

With that comes the vulnerability to heartbreak that you cannot imagine. When your child first gets angry at you, or says "I hate you" for the first time. Heartbreaking.

Well my daughter knows my buttons more than anyone else. She can tear me in two.

Her latest is really nothing new and I honestly don't think it is coming from a mean place, or so I hope cuz that would suck. She is talking about moving in with her dad. She has done this before but after weeks of talking it out, discussing pros and cons, she came to the conclusion she was better her. Her dad agreed and I honestly think he was relieved not to have to deal with her except via phone and the occasional visit.

She is now talking about it again and saying it is best for me. What? No it isn't for me, it is for her. She is trying to runaway from things here. I know that, she knows that but she is using other excuses.

She will be in 9th grade this next year and because of this, the Junior High is being split up for High school. Half of her friends will go to the other HS and the others will be with her. I think rather than deal with this, she wants to run.

Also she and her brother don't always get along. Leaving is her solution. Siblings fight but I blame my ex for pitting them against each other over and over. He would compare them to each other, negative flaws to good traits. This has made them competitive beyond what you could imagine. It sucks.

Soooo anyway, I am trying to deal with this the best I can. Of course I won't stop her if she really feels like this is what she wants. I will also put my foot down that once she is up there, she cannot move back (if she wants to) until the end of the school year. Not in the middle, period. I must stay strong on that and even if she decides to stay another year, she cannot move back until the end of a school year.

It will be tough but it is the only way to stop the back and forth.

The bricks that surround me.....

My marriage was …. Well what was it? I hate to say unhappy because for a while it was great, aren’t they all (most)? But once the word divorce was said, it never really was the same. It lasted 8 years too long. There were control issues and self-esteem issues and child-rearing disagreements and religion, finance…. You name it, we didn’t agree on it. We are opposite and not in the “opposites attract” way. He called me selfish, fat, and evil. I called him names too, well mostly just a$$hole.

So slowly I built this brick wall around me during those last 8 years. And since the divorce, I have felt a lot more like me again. However, there are just things I don’t show people about me. By people I guess I mean Goofball. And yes I have been talking to and/or dating him since June 2006…. So why stay closed up so long?? I don’t know. I guess I still am carrying some of that baggage from being put down so much in my marriage and building that wall. I hate being called selfish and evil. Those are the worst names that someone could call me because I don’t feel like I am either.

Are there times I think about me first? Oh yeah, baby! You better believe it because who else is? Am I evil? I don’t even know what this means. Is it because I am typically pretty laid back but if you push certain buttons, I can just go off. I am kind of hard to get upset but once I do, it is a flash in the pan… I get really hot tempered and maybe mean but I get over it really quickly. A lot of times I can remember being mad or upset or hurt by something but have no idea what. I mean why hold on to that.

And yet I hold a lot of fear and lack self-esteem in showing myself but I feel like that is more to protect myself from being hurt.

Then again, is Goofball ready to see more of me?? I don’t know. I have given little bits up lately, here and there. He has made a few comments about it, nothing bad but it makes me hold back other things for now. My dating profile said I could be sarcastic so why the surprise? Not sure. Maybe because for soooo long he has only known me to be quiet, laidback, indecisive but never really seen more than that.

I guess in ways I feel like if he sees these things, he won’t like me anymore. My fear of the “put-downs” I was the “victim” to previously have me gun-shy. I haven’t really sung in front of him at all. I sing, normally, all the time. All.the.time. And, if he is a Goofball, I could almost be called Ms. Goofball because I get pretty silly sometimes. But does he know this??? Not really.

Anyway, I am slowly trying to knock down the bricks; just some of them are harder to knock down. I am sure he will like the rest of me but at the same time…. I just don’t know….

Wishing the time away....

I hate when I do this. I guess in someways it is a human thing to do. Like we sometimes might say, "I can't wait until Christmas" or "I can't wait until my kids walk, talk, go to school.... " whatever.


But, time just flies. I had babies and then blinked and have teens. My baby is going to be in 1st grade next year and will not be going to day care anymore. And really life is short, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow so I do really try to enjoy today and most days I would say I do. I get to have special conversations, hugs and kisses. Snuggles on a Sunday morning, or in the evening when they had a bad day (or I did). I was just being stalked by a "ninja".... A rather cute ninja. I played a game of Yahtzee with my oldest son earlier and my daughter and I have been able to form a great relationship that I never had with my own mother.


However, I can't help but "wish" for the summer to be here, for them to be with their dad. I really need a break. This just wears on me. I get so tired between my breaks. If you have been a long time reader, you know he sees them only a few times a year, then the long summer visit.

And, I know I am not the only one that has my child(ren) alone most, or all the time. It is tough on this parent but also rewarding because we get the most time and memories with the kiddos. We know we are doing what is best for our child(ren). I love mine very much.

I know that once they are gone, I will miss them very much and be lost without them. I will not know what to do with myself in the evenings because I am so used to having the children to take care of. But, that's okay. I do need to recharge and I will have the puppy and cats to take care of still.

I just hate that I am wishing the time away... but again, I think it is normal. I think anyone would forgive me this one wish because they know that I do truly love my children and that I do try to do my best for them..... even if somedays I fall short.

Just about 3 weeks or so to go..... and then it is mom's time....

More puppy love....

I am still very much in love with this boy here. He is still the coolest dog. I just look at him and can't believe he is mine, or maybe I am his... Who knows for sure?! Anyway, I just can't stop talking about him, thinking about him. He is so smart, so loving. He is good, oh so good. I have had a lot of dogs. I have had a lot of experience with dogs. This one is amazing! Everyone should have a dog this good.

And, if you are new to my blog, he is a boxer-husky mix. He is 4 months old now and weighs about 35lbs.

He is always so happy to see me when I get home and then likes to be near me. Right now he is sleeping, happily at my feet.

Anyway, I just had to share more pics of him because I found my cable and because he is too awesome not to share.

"I have bad words stuck in my head"

These are the words my 5 year old said to me through tears after he heard me fighting with his father over the phone. Broke my heart I tell you. and hmmm, yeah I did say bad words. Hey I used to be a sailor, what can I say?

They haven't heard me fight with their father in a long time. We used to do it all the time when we were married. (something I hated but he would actually drag them into it)

I am not saying it is right that I fought with him in front of them (over the phone) but it happened and it was things that had to be said, for them and for me. He never takes what I say seriously. It is, again, issues of visitation. I realize he lives in Dallas and I live in Houston. I get that but for the record we were living here before he moved FROM HERE TO THERE! So who made the choice?

I told him things that I tell him all the time but I just keep hoping that if I say it enough or in different ways, that something will click and he will get it.

At any rate, I am not going to feel bad for what I said, just that I said it in front of the kids. L keeps reminding me that I said those words and that they are stuck in his head (then he announces they are gone, for now).

I am sure that won't be the last fight they overhear but I do try and will continue to try to keep it between he and I.

Just my life....

I feel like all I do is complain but really I am just processing, talking it out and/or telling the story of me. This is just my life. I hate to complain because I really do have a good life. I have great kids, a house, an awesome puppy and just on and on.... but my life is just a bit crazy and it wears on me.

I don't know if it is just being a single parent or if it is just the way I have run my life. I think not having a partner does contribute to some of my issues and some is just .... well just life.

I don't sleep well because of the kids and the puppy. Though they are all actually good, it is just the circumstance of having the two. The puppy sleeps pretty well at night and doesn't need to go out, but if one of the kids wakes up, then he thinks it is time to get up. Given my children's sleeping habits, there is almost always someone awake. K is a night owl so she typically goes to sleep after me. I don't really mind so much as long as she is quiet, doesn't bother me and wakes for me in the mornings. H is a morning bird. Getting up before most birds that is. He goes to bed early too. Again, as long as he is quiet. L is somewhere in between the two. I think because of his age, he still sleeps a lot. I think as he gets older, he will be a night owl too. It seems to be his thing. But with him, he stills wakes most nights because he has nightmares, hears a noise or whatever.

With this, there is almost always someone awake and even though the two older ones try to be quiet and not disturb me, but L is still too young and needs me at night sometimes. Therefore, I spend time settling him, settling the puppy and really no matter how quiet the other two are, my house is small and any noise wakes the puppy. Plus the only bathroom is connected to my bedroom, meaning if anyone goes to the bathroom at night, it wakes me and Cowboy.

Hopefully and most likely, once the house remodel is done (if it happens), it will make my nights sooooo much better.

With that said, my doctor seems concerned that I don't sleep well but like I told her yesterday, it is just my life right now. I realize I need to sleep more but at the moment life is what it is. I can complain about it or I can just deal and get sleep when I can.

It means that currently I walk around like a zombie and my house isn't as clean as I would like, I'm not as active as I would like and I just don't think I am as much fun!

But more than that, I feel like I am always running kids around, my life during the week feels so unorganized and my life just feels that way.

I haven't really cooked a dinner in so long, at least one that took any time or more than a few ingredients to make. It has to be simple or it is pizza or burgers delivered or drive-thru. It sucks and when my doctor asked about my appetite and interest in food, I was less than enthusiastic about it. Food just has lost much of its appeal. It is a shame because I think food should be something enjoyed, not just a need. I mean what a shame! Why waste calories on something that you don't want to eat or doesn't taste good to you? Life is too short to not enjoy it and there are too many good things to eat. With that said, balance, moderation for things that are just really bad for you and there are very healthy foods that are amazing to eat!

Soo anyway, my life is what it is and I wouldn't change much of it.... I just want some peace and rest in it. I want to get back to cooking for my kids. I want to feel organized and healthy.

Anyway, I am on a new med now. Was on Zoloft, now trying Cymbalta. This is to help with the aches and pains I feel daily. I think if I can get some of this pain under control some of the other will be a lot more bearable.

I love my kids. I love my dog. I love my life..... Also I really appreciate one special person in it. He makes me smile even when I don't feel like it. He makes me happy and feel important, even when the rest of my life doesn't. I just want to say thank you to him.... and he knows who he is.

And that is just my life. :)

*Catchy title here*

For the last several nights, I haven't been sleeping well again. That is fine, I am going to the doc on Friday. I am thinking a meds change is in order again.... I won't even tell you all the weird thoughts I have been having.... AGAIN. It is scary.

But, because I am not sleeping well, meaning waking several times a night, my brain is working at odd hours. So for the last two nights, I have in my mind written the best blog entries EVER! Seriously. I was thinking "Wow this will get some great discussions going. I will get lots of comments. People will link to me"..... Hmm what were the ideas, the words, topics.....???

I have no idea!

Normally, I would have written it down or even gotten on the computer and typed it up! But I fell back asleep before I could. I am so disappointed.

I keep wondering if it was a dream but it happened in that half awake/half asleep moment. You know when you are kind of floating, drifting but still aware of things around you and the brain is still working very clearly.

Soooo I am sorry if you came here thinking I had written this very profound, "aha" post that would just set the world on fire! Maybe tonight I will have the energy to write it down before it is lost forever.

****Oh and one last thought, do you ever just look back at your life and say "Wow!" In thinking back on the last couple of years, I am definitely thinking that.****

My totally weird weekend (and it isn't over yet)

It started on Friday. I got to see Goofball Friday night. I don't think I have EVER seen him on a Friday night. We have schedule issues so this was a great surprise! Wait, surprise? That might not be the right word there but ya know.... it was great! We had planned to go out but my kids were tooo hyper to be left. So we just hung out. K who usually does not like having him around too much said she had fun and she even said "...and I didn't think I would."

Why were the kids so hyper you might wonder? There dad came to visit this weekend.

K had a drama competition yesterday at her school. He and the girlfriend came down to watch. This worked out GREAT! Because I got to help out at the school which was awesome. I was a judge. The kids were so cute and some of them have some really talent at acting. I judged all day! K had events all day but I didn't get to see any of them but got to see her between events.

And you may be wondering about my ex and his girlfriend. Some funny things happened, like at one point he asked me, "What was that look for?" I said innocently, "What look? I'm not married to you any more.... I don't give you looks." His girlfriend who I think I love (ha, ha), started cracking up. She loved it. We have gotten to be really good friends thus far.

So then after the drama thing, somehow I ended up with an extra kid. One of K's friends was spend the night. I think they knew I was weak from lack of food and fatigue of the day.... Just kidding! I love this girl so I am glad to have her over.

Well the ex and his GF were going to take the kids out to dinner but we had one problem. They don't have a car big enough so I was asked along. So me, my three, K's friend, the ex and his GF enjoyed dinner ON HIM!!!! Ha, ha! Thanks.

But, before dinner we were hanging out here at my house. The GF and I were hanging out in my room talking about .... well everything. Then we started looking through old pics of the kids. Then after dinner she rode with me and the girls back to my house. We all sang the whole way. That was fun!

But, the best part of the whole thing was the look of worry on the ex's face as his GF and his ex-wife shared secrets, shared new inside jokes and shared a ride home. Priceless!!!!!

They are here now and I haven't gone out to say anything yet. I had a rough night. Poor Cowboy was in his crate longer than usual yesterday and had I any foresight at all, I would have asked my mom to come over just after lunch to let him out for a few mins or so. Anyway, he was NOT tired so he played with his toys, tried to play with me and paced a lot!

I guess I better get out there....

Must be nice

I am so angry tonight. My ex isn't able to watch the kids at the end of May for me so I can go on a business trip.

And, yeah before you say anything a father should NOT have to WATCH his own kids but basically that is what it boils down too.

I guess I am more disappointed. I really want to further my career. Being able to travel without worrying about the kids.

Now don't get me wrong I love my kids and I am so glad that I am with them everyday. I really wouldn't trade them for a better career (I have a pretty fab job actually).

I guess it is just a bit of the grass is greener or maybe I just thought once divorced we would have a "normal" custody schedule. I really guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from him. He was really not as involved a father as I thought one should be. He has his way and I guess in ways I just have to forgive that and just do the best for me and the kids. They see what I do daily and they know. The two older ones tell me.

But still.... Ya know?

Some of my worst fears

We all have things that we are afraid of. I think most of our worst fears are things we can't control them. I think that is why they are our worst fears.

Most of mine are pretty typical. Anything involving my kids being hurt, lost or just any thing I can't protect them from. Not being able to take care of them, feed them, etc.... Having them taken away is another.

Being trapped in an elevator. This just happened to a co-worker on Monday. Yikes! I need to start taking the stairs.

Being bit by a spider! Yes seriously.

Being attacked by a dog. Having one of my children attacked by a dog. Having my dog or one of my cats attacked by a dog. I am a huge dog person. Love them but some people shouldn't have dogs.

And my worst fear, the one that I was afraid would come true last night..... Dying. Well okay that is a bit dramatic but let me explain. I woke up choking on my own vomit. Gross huh!? So I spent most of the night puking my guts out. But what scared me the most was I kept getting really choked. It was like some was going into my lungs, why? I don't know. I almost called my parents to come over. If something did happen to me, I don't want the kids to be the ones to find me/handle calling for help. Ya know?

Today I stayed home from work. I had only planned to sleep a bit and then go into work but I slept until almost 1:00.... woke up still feeling queasy. Shaky. Crappy. and well a bit scared too.

This morning after I called work, I called my mom. I always call her when I am sick because like I said, I don't want the kids to have to deal with me if something happens. I know dramatic! But I am a planner too.

Soooo anyway, still feeling a bit queasy and icky but hoping that I just don't puke again. That is like hell for me!

What are your worst fears? Especially the silly ones.

Volunteering at school and some ex stuff

Once upon a time, I used to be an involved parent. I sent in things to class, to the teacher, volunteered to help at parties, field trips, etc.....

Those days are long gone or so I thought.

I have started trying to volunteer more at the schools. Well so far just K's school. But since it is working out well, I am hoping that soon I can start doing it with the boys' schools.

Anyway, K has gotten involved in Drama and it is the perfect activity for her. I love helping out too. So far just one play but it was fun. It was soooo fun!

This Saturday I am helping to judge a drama competition. I cannot wait! How much fun will that be?!?! Oh I will be tired but it will be a blast.

Worst part of the weekend will be the ex being here. He is coming in for K's drama thing. He said they (being he and his gf) will come down for the day. They just couldn't stay overnight or long because of her dogs. Hmmm, fine, why does she have to come?? Or why can't someone watch the dogs? I mean hello I am always inconvenienced with kid stuff and finding care and I have two cats and a dog now. Yeah it sucks but he never has to be inconvenienced like I do. Of course I am not complaining, I'm just saying.

Anyway, to make it easier and because my common sense was left in California, I said if they needed to bring the dogs, they (the dogs) could stay overnight here to make it easier. I am doing it for my kids, not for him. And I honestly have no problem with his girlfriend, honestly don't. But, sometimes I just get soooo frustrated! Why can't he just be a dad rather than a boyfriend? Ack!

So he and I had a long discussion about custody. Basically it ended up with me just whining, bitching and venting, and him, yet again, not taking my feelings seriously. He just blows it off as me needing to air my feelings. Well yes but it is based on my real feelings.

Well whatever, I am happy with my choices with the kids, with my life. I have no regrets at this point and really, isn't that what matters? I hope he can say the same at the end of all this....