Okay its Sunday and maybe I shouldn't write about something so deep on a Sunday, I don't know why I think its too deep for a Sunday, maybe just because its been a great weekend!
However, I had a dream just this weekend that has left me shaken from it and thinking I should head in for a few counseling sessions, just to clear my head.
I was sexually abused as a child.
No sympathy needed. I have learned through my research (because if I don't know about something, I crave information about it) that this is something surprisingly common. I am sure someone reading this right this second was or knows someone that was as a child.
It started when I was between 8 and 9. Not sure how or why, I don't really care. I guess what has always bothered me is that I didn't know it was wrong. Once I learned it was wrong it stopped. Imagine sitting in 9th grade health class, a weird and awkward time anyway, and reading about sexual abuse and having that ton of bricks dropped on you. Holy shit! Of course as the victim, I totally blamed myself. Thought I would be punished so never told a soul. At least not at first. Couldn't tell my family, couldn't tell my friends, couldn't tell anyone. I could barely tell myself. I just hid and avoided.
At some point I did tell a few friends who swore to their death with the secret. Thankfully one of my friends did not keep that secret for long. My family was somewhat angry by it, the fact that she went to a school counselor with it rather than coming to them and keeping it private. My grandmother went so far as to try to get me to lie about it so that we could just keep it "in the family" to deal with. Are you serious? No I have emotional scars that may never heal because of this. I wasn't protected. Period.
Long story short, I was removed from my home only because CPS thought I needed a change of environment for a while. So I lived with my favorite Aunt until her son became too jealous.... I think he was mostly confused by what was happening but was also having some troubles himself and blamed it on me. So I then moved in with my grandparents and quickly became quite the rebel. I started sneaking out of the house, every night. Why? Not for drugs, not for alcohol, not to smoke.... but just because I could and I wasn't suppose to.
I also started counseling. I would see Susan every week, then every other week and then once a month. This lasted about 2 years. She talked to me about anything I wanted to talk about. She got to the root of my feelings and taught me to understand my feelings. Prior to this if you asked me how I felt, I would answer with a physical feeling not an emotional one. Now you can ask me and it could run the gamut of emotions. (except in small talk, because then I'm just fine or good or okay.... in passing nobody really cares how you are!).....
I also learned as the "victim", I was not at fault. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, it just did.
So over the years I have had dreams of it. At first all the time, almost every night. I would always have the most horrible nightmares and this went on for years. They started to lessen, at least the sexually abusive ones but I still had nightmares all the time. One year I learned to sleep with classical music on so that I wouldn't dream.... or at least not remember them. My abuse was not a scary thing like you will hear on the news or see in a "made for women" movie. No it was coming from a place where the person was just as confused as I was and had a "sickness." I have forgiven. He thought it was with love that he did this and that was how it was given.... but it does not make it any more right. Just that I had no reason to have nightmares about something like this yet I did. I was never held down, never hit, never yelled at. A gun was never put in my face, no weapons of any type. But these are the things of my dreams.
Yet my latest one was..... I went to the person and I asked for it. He said, "you know we can't. You turned me in once before." I begged, I pleaded... please, please just one more time.
Just typing this I'm shaking with shame and embarassment over it. Why would my mind want me to dream this? What is going on in there? Why would I ever think to do that?
I just don't know and I really don't know if I want to know. There are so many more important questions still left unanswered in my mind.
My CPS counselor, the one that was given my case and told to protect me, told me that I would marry a man that would abuse my children. WTF?! Are you serious? So I wonder, did I let my marriage end because this was in my mind? No I don't think so and I think anyone that knew both my ex and me, would say the same.
And, now as a single mom who is dating, I think, will I bring someone around my children that would do this?? This is probably the scariest thing about being a single mom. This person wouldn't love my children the way I and their father do..... I don't know, it is just always on my mind. Her words. Oh and Susan (my counselor) did address this and told me I would be careful so I just hold her words too, for comfort that I will make smart decisions. So far so good. I would only bring someone around them that I trust completely.
Then I also wonder, would I ever do this to a child? Gawd, I hope not! I started babysitting at the age of 11 and through all this time I have had the care of many, many children. And, while I would look at these children, I would think, "How does it start? Why would someone look at this innocent child and think I'm going to do that?" I never once tried nor thought of doing it myself, just like I said wondered why? how? So I guess that answers that question....and yet the question is still in my mind.
Through the years, I have had moments of depression, anxiety and just out right out of control feelings, so I will rush on in for some counseling to get me over the hump. This will be my life until I die, I'm sure. Unless I end up with someone that is supportive and understanding and patient enough to deal with my emotional issues as they creep up. He would have to understand where they come from, this very scary place in my head.
I just feel this is just too much to ask of a person that I'm not paying and does not have the training for so unless I marry a trained therapist, then I will just continue on as is. Going in when I need to have my head cleared and my feelings validated and explained.
This was really long and if you actually read this whole thing, then bless you! You are a saint! If you weren't scared off by my emotional scars then thank you even more. We all have something, right?