Saturday, August 19, 2006

Bye, Bye Love

I just watched this movie. If you have never heard of it, it came out in 1995 and has Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine and Randy Quaid as the main characters. Its about three divorced dad's and shows a weekend with their kids, and basically the ups and downs of divorce.

Now I have seen this movie before, many, many times. I really like it! But, I haven't watched it in more than a year maybe two years. It is very different watching it now since this is my life now.

Well sort of. I didn't realize how upset, angry and well bitter I am that he lives in Dallas. He can't see the kids often. In fact, the next time he sees them is in 2 weeks and he hasn't seen them in at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why he is okay with this. I mean I would go insane if I couldn't see my kids. I enjoy getting a break from them, but I would just miss them too much if I knew I wasn't going to see them for 4-5 weeks at a time.

I feel so guilty because I feel like I have really failed my kids by not making this work.... but ya know it wasn't me. I didn't fail. We tried much longer than we should have and maybe it would have been easier on them if we would have called it quits years ago. I usually live by the motto "No Regrets" so I won't really wish to go back in time and I will just do as I normally do and make the best of it.

But how do I answer my children's questions. Why? Why aren't you still with Daddy? Why isn't Daddy here? When will we see him? Why doesn't he call us? Why isn't he calling us back? It just breaks my heart and takes all my will power and strength not to tell them the truth. I just try to answer the best I can, give a little reassuring smile, a hug.... and then distract them with a game or send them out to play.

Ya know at the end of the day, I know that I am here. I am doing what is in their best interest. Reassuring them that I will be here for them. Giving them a stable life, or the best I can. He has made his choices and now he must live with it.

Meet and Greet

Sooo yesterday I final meet up with a guy I have been talking to for just about 2 mths. It went well. We meet for ice cream (milkshakes) and just sat outside chatting and watching the world go by.

It was nice after two strikes to get a nice guy that was fun to talk with and laugh with. He was exactly who I was expecting to meet which was REALLY nice, again after two strikes.

He is just really laid back and fun. No pressure. No expectations. This is all so refreshing because I don't need these things right now. I want to ... I don't know if its dating or what but anyway.... to date someone that is just fun, easy to talk to and we have a few things in common with. He fits in that perfect.

We are talking about meeting up again. I do hope we do because it was so nice and after the year I have had.... well it was just that's it... nice!

Thursday, August 17, 2006


The following blog was inspired by an email to a friend. Some of the wording comes straight from the email.

Depression, it’s a funny thing. Okay not like ha, ha funny but strange.

Today for example, I'm in a good mood... sort of. I can feel the bit of depression just below the surface. Basically I could burst in to tears at any moment and for no reason. I freakin' hate this feeling!!!! Why can't I just be normal?? Or maybe this is normal...

And, really what is normal. Maybe I am normal. Maybe everyone feels this way, okay not everyone but a lot more people than will admit it. It’s not something people seem to talk a lot about and when they do it seems to be a shameful thing. Sure there are new ad campaigns out about “Depression hurts” (oh and let me tell you it sure the heck does) to promote awareness. But, ya know it just isn’t a normal conversation topic.

Like people will say things like “I think I’m coming down with something.” Or “I’m getting a cold.” Or even “Wow, I have the worst cold.” Why can’t we say things like this about depression? People also seem more quick to go to the doctor for a cold or flu but very hesitate and again almost ashamed to go for depression.

Yes I used to be one of those. But, ya know, its okay to admit you are depressed because if you don’t, how can you get help, nobody knows to help you and you can’t even help yourself out of it. Why is it such a bad thing to say we are depressed? Is it “Girl Interpreted” like to say you are depressed, as in you will be put in a hospital for it? Is this where the shame comes from? Because we, as a society, haven’t truly gotten passed that and don’t really know how to deal with it so rather than deal with the actual problem; ignore it, lock it up or call it bad.

Thinking Andrea Yates. My heart just breaks for them. Her, her family and those poor babies. She was very sick and if we were more aware of depression (in all forms) would this have been preventable? Maybe not but at least something….

Anyway, I could probably write about depression for pages and pages because it is something I know all too well and something I am passionate about . Maybe someday I will even write a Bestselling book all about depression….. Hey I can dream right?

Sunday, August 13, 2006


I need to cook more. What is wrong with me lately!? I haven't really cooked much in a long time or so it feels.

I used to cook just about every night with the occassional out to eat. Now it seems like we pick up or having something delivered more often than not. Or, I do something super easy like sandwiches, frozen pizza or something like this. Not really a meal and it takes no time at all.

Is it school? But, I have been in school for almost 4 yrs now and I was cooking during this time. But, then I think, I was staying at home (not work) for just over 2 years of that time so maybe that's it.

Is it my lack of motivation? I actually love to cook and my children are super picky, just like dad. It is frustrating and makes cooking no fun! Yep this could be part of it too.

Is it being single? Maybe this too because there isn't someone here (besides my children) that I'm cooking for... someone special. Ya know?

I think I'm going to set a goal for myself that I will start cooking more. I will set myself up to succeed. How? I will pre-cook items, like meats/chicken so that I can just heat and eat with some sides, like a salad and veggies. Then set myself up some easy, healthy desserts too so it seems more special. I think I will also teach the kids (the older two) how to cook. I know I was cooking around their age.

I really want to do this. I really need to do this. So it shall be....

Friday, August 11, 2006


Do I really want to do the whole dating thing?

While leaving work the other day, I was watching this guy who was walking out in front of me. He had a very unique, and I’ll just say it, strange walk that’s why it caught my eye. Kind of “George Jefferson” like…. (from the Jefferson’s TV Show)….

But something else happened in that moment, besides thinking “Who walks like that!?”….I realized something…. If I start dating more and then find a boyfriend, I have to learn all these things about him. The way he walks, what makes him laugh, his mannerisms, what are his pet peeves…. And on and on and on.

While this is par for the course in meeting people and dating, I just want to get to that comfortable, familiar place. I know, I know part of the fun is getting to know someone new and learning all these things out about them and they you. I guess it is more I want to be in that part of the relationship where it is still new but at the point where it is comfortable also, maybe 2-3, maybe even 4 months into it.

So I guess what I’m saying is I want my cake and eat it too.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

5 More.....

.... classes that is!!!! I am about to finish a class and on Tuesday I will start a new one..... Meaning as of Tuesday I will only have 4 more!!!! (okay sort of).

I AM SOOOOOO READY TO BE DONE!!!!! But I'm just so proud of myself because of all the times I wanted to quit and didn't. Because of overcoming many obstacules (sp?) to finish and even more because I have a fairly good GPA.... currently 3.72 (hoping for a tiny bit higher before its all said and done).

For anyone that knows me well, I am the first to say that I did horrible in HS. Its no secret. It was a really struggle for me to get the Cs, Ds and Fs that I did get....with some Bs and even rarer was an A.

But, here am I only a few classes away from being a college graduate! Something I have wanted for sooo long and needed AND even more importantly have exceeded my own expectations for myself.

Now I just have to decide what to do about my Master's. I'm thinking I should do a ground school (go to a campus) to do this because maybe it will be taken more seriously than getting one online..... but I will say this.... I learn far better online than I ever have in a classroom. I'm too much of an introvert and get too distracted to learn well in a class environment.

My hope is that online colleges will become more accepted and more common so that I can continue with it because at the end of the day..... I know that I have truly learned a lot!!!!! More than I ever could in a class.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Well here it is Tuesday, Aug 8 2006. I can't believe how fast the year is flying by.

Soo much has happened this year already and so much more is to come!

I didn't have much to blog about but felt the need to write. I have been a bit of a wreck this past week or so. Depression hit me hard, out of no where or so it felt. It was nice not to be depressed for a while and now that it is over... I'm glad its over. I hate when I feel that way.

Many little (or big) stressors right now. The big one being money (Money isn't everything, but its a main focus when you don't have enough!). I was doing fairly well for a while. But, bam, car trouble. I mentioned that my car needs work.... well a new engine to be exact. How much is that you might be wondering? Well only.... $4000.... oh plus the rental car of roughly $300 for the week..... Sigh, just when I thought I might be able to afford to get away for a weekend or maybe even two. Ah well such is life.

No dating updates. No divorces updates. No kid updates. No school updates. No work updates.

So I am just going to sit here and daydream about winning the Lotto. Hey, someone is going to win, why not me?

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Long time, no blog

Hello there. So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure you are thinking, Yeah duh!

Well I have been feeling the walls closing in on me again and I have fallen in a pit of depression. I haven't felt this way for a while and I was enjoying it.... but as it does, life caught up.

So the good is work is going great! I love my job! I'm so happy to have this job.

The kids are doing great. Starting school very soon. We are completely ready and K is going to start taking Strattra again so I'm crossing my fingers that the year is easier for all of us because of it.

Now the bad.... Car is in the shop... AGAIN! Needs a new motor, it had no oil pressure... I have no idea yet how much this is going to cost. The shop has to give me a price on Monday. It is undriveable so I have a rental car. Can I afford all of this??? NO!!!

Nor can I afford for the Geek Squad to come out and fix my computer but they will be here on Tuesday. I have no choice. My computer is messing up a lot and my school is online..... so the choice is spend an arm and a leg to get it fixed so I don't miss class. My GPA is high and I want to keep it that way....

Then the divorce is all messed up. I can't even talk about it... but I have been saying I am divorced because, well we haven't lived together in a year and he doesn't even live in this city. NOW it won't be officially official for who knows how long!!! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just want it to be over!!!

Dating. No updates. Still just chatting with one guy that I would love to meet. He seems really interesting and someone I have really enjoyed getting to know. Not sure where its going, if anywhere, but I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. All I want is someone to talk with and enjoy some laughs with, be it email or on the phone or in person....

I have talked with a few other people but nobody else that I am interested in. They seem like great guys but.... not for me... I just wish them luck in finding what they are looking for.

As for other things... my weight keeps going up and down and then up again.... currently going down. I just want it to be.... well something I can be happy with. I'm going to start doing the South Beach Diet again. Walk away the Pounds for exercise and I got a new video... bellydancing! It looks like fun and I have tried a few moves, but I'm sure I look something like a Hippo trying to dance. LOL!

So that's it. Just trying to snap out of my funk and just keep reaching for the stars!!!