Wednesday, June 27, 2007

What a year!

To Goofball,

What started out with a simple email has turned into a year of memories. I feel really lucky to have met you, though some days you keep me wondering why! Just kidding! :) You make me laugh and smile even on the days I don't always want to. And, while I don't have expectations of mind reading, you have this knack for it, like emailing or calling just when I need you too.

You are thoughtful and respectful. You make me think in ways I have never before or of things I knew nothing about. You are patient with me and well a damn good kisser too!

I don't know the future nor do I want to. I want to enjoy these moments for the moments they are.

Anyway, thanks.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Happy Birthday teenager!

(Computer problems have delayed this posting)

To my teenager and first born baby.

Wow, I cannot believe it has been 13 years since I meet you. In some ways, it seems like I have known you forever and in others, it seems like we have just met. You are very special to me. You are the first person to make me a mom. You were such a good baby and that works to both of our advantages because I had no idea what I was doing! I only thought I was ready for a baby at age 21. Oh I was soooo wrong! There is that commercial that says, "A Baby changes everything." Boy does it!

You were born early. We had a few "Is this it" moments and not knowing better, I would call the nurse and she would send me to Labor and Delivery. But, on June 24, 1994.... I knew you were coming soon even if you weren't due for another 2 weeks. I finished packing my bags, got the car ready and silly as it seems, I put plastic on the bed... under the sheets, just in case.

The morning of June 25, 1994, I woke up at 4:00 and my water had broke. Just a little, just enough that I knew you were really coming. I tried to wake daddy but he had had enough false alarms that he said, "Okay but can you wake me later." back to sleep in went. Thankfully I knew Grandma would be awake (my grandma, your g-grandma). I talked to her and she said to go wake him up! Then she said call the hospital so I did. They said take a shower and then come in. Good call on the shower.

I guess Daddy knew at this point I was serious because he got up. It was pouring rain! And was still dark when we left. It was a long drive to the hospital but we didn't feel rushed because I felt fine.

Got to the hospital, sure enough, you were coming and we still didn't know if you were a boy or girl... I just knew you had to be a girl! I just knew it. Either E or K would be your name.... I kept saying them in my head.

Labor and delivery was really easy for me. You were a small baby. 6 lbs 8 oz and about 20 inches long (I think). So tiny. I was so scared of you. They handed you to me and I just thought they were crazy. I can't hold that, I will break her!

But, I looked at you and just knew you were my K baby.

You grew up so fast. I always talked to you like you were older, more grown. Nana had to remind me often that you were a child but I never listened because you always responded better when I treated you like this.

Sadly you didn't get to be the baby for long. I got pregnant with H when you were just 10 months old. I had a lot of first time mommy guilt over that one but was happy by the second child.

I just enjoyed you everyday and often miss that little girl. But, I am so proud of the person you are becoming each day. You are so special to me and I know I would not be able to get through the last few years without you. You are my rock and that is such a burden for a child to have but its true.

I hope that you had a good day with your dad. I missed you very much but was glad to hear the joy and happiness in your voice on Monday.

Happy Birthday, my girl!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Happy Birthday my big 5 year old!

Dear L,

Happy birthday, big boy! I cannot believe you are 5 years old today. You have changed so much over the years and you amaze me everyday. I wish I could see you today but it is your time with your dad. Hopefully I will get to talk to you soon. I miss you very much.

You are a very special boy to me because I never thought I would have you. It took so long for me to get pregnant with you that I just knew that was it. No more. And, then surprise! I didn't even know because I had gotten so used to the "fake" pregnancy symptoms that I just thought I was getting the flu. But, no, oh no. It was you. I nicknamed you bug the day I found out you weren't the flu! Grandpa hated that I called you bug but Nana and I loved it.

You were to be due July 1. Very close to Daddy's birthday, K's birthday and Uncle B's too! (as well as many others in our family.... Tons of June/July bdays). Since you were due near K's bday, we decided to move her party to the beginning of June. A month early, right? Well you decided to start messing with me. You kept me on my toes wondering from Mid-May, would you come early?

But, you didn't, and given your size, the doctor and I decided to help you come early. So I picked the day..... June 24, 2002...... I went to the hospital to be induced. Of course the report was I was 5 cm dilated..... so you would have come on your own very soon anyway.

Meds started at 8:00 am by 1:30 pm, you were cleaned up and in my arms. Labor didn't really start until around 10:30.... water broke at 12:30, you were out shortly after 1:00.

8 lbs 11 oz and 21 inches tall.

Unfortunately, you broke your collar bone being born. Despite that you were a really good baby. Very laid back. Ate well, slept well, very alert and could hold your head pretty well.

You changed so much that first year. You really wanted to get up and run with the big kids! You loved K and L (and still do of course!). You crawled at 5 mths, walked by 10. One time you were about 12 months old and you were running around with H playing war or guns or something..... I remember this because you were making the machine gun sounded and I thought how strange it sounded for a little 1 year old to be playing that game and you knew how to make that sound! It was amazing!

You have learned everything so fast. And, on one hand that makes me so proud and on the other so sad because I really didn't get to enjoy you as a baby.... You never really were a baby exactly. You were always trying to be older. I guess that is why I hold on to anything that is "baby" like with you. That is probably why you get away with so much and why I give you pretty much everything you want.

You start Kindergarten this year, my baby. I am going to be so proud of you because you are so very smart. I know you will love going to school. You won't even be home to me for another month. I miss you so much. You make me smile and laugh everyday.

Anyway, baby, I love you and can't wait to talk to you to tell you Happy Birthday!!!!!

Thanks Jenny!!!!

Jenny of Mama Drama fame had a great little get together at her house last night. Just the Mama Drama gals and one special guest.... ME! It was fun.

I wanted to take something nice so I did a search for cookie bars and came up with two that sounded good.

The first:
S'mores Bars

8 whole graham crackers
1 (19.8 ounce) package of fudge brownie mix
2 cups miniature marshmallows
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
2/3 cup chopped peanuts (I didn't use. S'mores don't have peanuts... right?)

Arrange graham crackers in a single layer of a greased 13 X 9 inch pan. Prepare the brownie mix per the directions and then spread over the crackers. Bake at 350 for about 25 mins (or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean). Then spread the marshmallows, chips and peanuts over the top. Cook for another 5 mins or until marshmallows are puffed and gooey. Let cool and serve!

Very yummy and gooey!

The other were some Seven Layer Bars. I actually made two batches of this but one didn't come out at all. My mistake was the graham crackers crumbs were too small. I would say break these by hand and most should be not smaller than a dime but no bigger than a quarter. The recipe also calls for 1 1/2 cups of crumbs. I would probably use 2 cups - 2 1/2 cups.

Anyway, ingrediants:

1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup butterscotch chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (The ones I took to Jenny's were almonds, not walnuts)
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 1/3 cup shredded coconut

Preheat oven to 350. Place butter in a 13 X 9 inch pan, place in oven to melt butter. Once it is melted take out and swirl around to coat the sides of pan. Spread the crumbs in the pan, make sure it is even. Then layer the chocolate chips, butterscotch chips and nuts. Pour the condensed milk and then layer with coconut.

Bake until edges are golden brown, about 25 minutes.

I am not a cook or a baker. I used to be but I just don't enjoy it as much. This, I will say, I did enjoy! It was fun to make and fun to share and I'm glad everyone seemed to like them enough to ask me to post the recipes!

Once my kiddos get back, I will be inviting all the Mamas to my house.

Thanks Jenny for including me and inviting me. Victor is a nut and Hailey is just too cute! Mindy it was great to see you again and your kiddos! They are great. Stephanie, Matt and Bethany it was great to finally meet you! We totally have to get together again. Heather, Mike and Ethan it was great to meet you too!! All the little ones were just too cute and I think Mindy's kids enjoyed themselves too. Great kids.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

I watched this movie yesterday with my mom. I don't know why but I was totally into it and now obsessed with Eveyln Ryan. The movie was based on the book by her daughter Terry "Tuff" Ryan.

So the story is Evelyn Ryan is the mother of 10. The husband drinks a lot and spends most of the families money on supporting that habit. They live in poverty but Evelyn keeps them going by entering contests; jingle writing contests and sometimes she wins big. She is really good with words and is able to keep the family going by doing this. During the course of the movie she receives a letter from another Contester and they start writing back and forth. Very witty letters that really remind me of modern day blogs and of modern day bloggers. These were very smart women.

I really want to read the book now. I want to read the book that was done before the movie. Yes, there is now one after the movie, probably the content is the same but still..... I want to read everything about this.


This was a time before the internet. This was what women did to stay "sharp" and "witty".... Her words in the movie. There weren't choices for most women to go out and work or be smart. You had to be a wife and mother. ONLY. That point was driven home in the movie over and over.

In ways the contesting she did was not only her way of keeping the family feed, clothed and housed, but also her creative outlet. It really reminded me of .... well like I said Bloggers.

I recommend this movie to all you Mommy Bloggers out there. I don't know if it would appeal to men quite the same but hey, it is a great flick.

Friday, June 22, 2007

What makes a man sexy?

We all know the usual things that we think of. Some guy totally cut in all the right places. Tall, dark and handsome. Maybe standing topless in tight jeans, posed doing something masculine, ya know what I mean?

Women, we know, those things are great but tell me this isn't even more sexy. A man that is a loving father. Is gentle and sweet. Respectful to you, children and even animals. Cooks, cleans, asks you about you. Makes you laugh, makes you roll your eyes every once in a while (at his goofiness). Opens a door for you. But, isn't so sensitive that it is sickening and is willing to kill bugs for you.

Now ladies, tell me that ain't sexy is hell!

I knew you would agree.

Monday, June 18, 2007


I have been avoiding talking about this. Like if I didn't, it wouldn't be true.

Dale Jr is going to race for Hendrick racing for the 2008 season. WHAT? I mean, I am sooooo glad he will be racing but that never really seemed in question. It was more of a question of where and will Bud still be his sponsor? And what will his car # be? I mean HE is #8! Hendrick is an amazing race team! Gordon, Johnson.... Two of the big dogs, ya know?

But Hendrick is a rival to DEI. I have never been a fan of Gordon or Johnson. Never. I cannot see that I will be when Jr is a teammate to them either. I will be a Jr fan and only his fan. Okay him and Tony Stewart, I mean, hello.... Tony Stewart!

There are a few others I like but Dale Jr and Tony are my faves.

Anyway, I am still in a little shock but overall happy that he will be racing in 2008 and for a great team. Just wish it was Childress or Joe Gibbs Racing..... I don't know.... Anywhere but Hendrick! :)

Changes and a Busy Week

So I changed the way people can leave comments. I did it for Min and Robert! I want more people to comment not just read, so I have it set so that anyone can comment. Now if I start getting all kinds of weird comments, I might change it. But for now, that's it.

I have been missing the kiddos but thankfully I have been really busy. Between the Mama Drama Con Queso, visiting family and Goofball, I haven't be home a lot. Work is going to keep me busy this week as well. We have an Intern Event Wednesday and Thursday.

Soooo other than that, not much. Just truckin' and counting down until August. I mean I am enjoying the heck out of my freedom, but it is really quiet and hard to come home at night.

Also a quick shout out..... Thanks for dinner, Goofball! It was nice to have a place to go where dinner was cooked and I just got to chill.... oh and have some grown-up conversation! I am looking forward to tomorrow too. :)

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Sour and Sweet - An Analogy about Men

This is a little gem from Mama Drama Con Queso yesterday! We were talking about men (Kyla, Jenny and I), comparing stories of the sweet and sour things they do. I think it was Jenny that said something like they can be sweet one minute and rotten the next. We agreed and I said, kinda like Sour Patch Kids, huh?

And the analogy was born. However, upon further reflection of the "First they're sour and then they're sweet".... I really think in the case of men it is sweet first.... because hello they want to get "in", ya know? And, then they turn sour. (and really, women, admit it we are the same.)

Anyway, if you aren't familiar, please follow the link to the Sour Patch Kids website. There you can view two of the commercials and it will help explain the whole "First they're sour and then they're sweet" analogy.... :)

Now I have a craving for Sour Patch Kids.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Mama Drama Con Queso!

Mama Drama teamed up with Blog Con Queso to create this GREAT! Lunch today for area bloggers.

It rocked!

I am such a wallflower, introverted homebody that I'm just shocked at myself for saying "I'll be there." How easy would it have been to just not comment? Easy! How hard was it to go? HARD! But, ya know, I meet some really great people. I wouldn't have met these people otherwise.

Now you would think a bunch of people who pretty much just met would have nothing to talk about. I don't think there were any quiet moments the whole time.

There were some folks (Min!) that I didn't get to talk to much at all. I really wanted to sit down with her and chat but maybe soon we can get together. (give me a call sometime, we can chat!)

I have done stuff like this before so not sure why I was nervous. But, when you are meeting internet people.... well you just don't know. I have even gone to Chicago and Baltimore to meet people. Drove to Dallas recently same thing. But those are people I have "known" online for a long time. Love them! (You know who you are!!!) But, still you just don't know. Online dating, same dealio! It is hit or miss.

I really hope that we can do this often and that even more people come. And, maybe we can plan a little more time.

I have a blog to write about from the event. We were talking about guys and well this analogy was used to describe them. Who said it? Oh that would be me!

Anyway, Jenny, Laura, YOU ROCK! Thanks soooo much for putting this together and I'm really excited about future plans. Its just great, great, great!


Today I miss the kids. I miss them a lot. I miss them so much I want to just climb in bed with some of their things and stay there all day.

I won't. I have plans. The best plan is to get the heck out of the house that just has little clues that I have children.

Anyway, just for a little bit, I will let myself miss them and then I will force myself not too.

Friday, June 15, 2007

In Love?

Over at Guy Gets Married, he has been talking about love a lot, well and light sabers! We all need one of those. (Oh and I need to give him a big ole thank you for the searches! My $$ jumped a bit.... Everyone click the ads and use the Google search on the sidebar, please?!)


He is 35 and said that a recent girlfriend was the first time he thinks he was in love. I commented that I don't even know if I was in love with my now-ex-husband. Oh I loved him but to be "in love".... what is that? I am 34 and have I been in love? Yes maybe. I think I was with JJ my ex from high school. However, I don't think it was a fully mature love or grown up love? Not sure what I mean..... We were kids. Only 17 years old! We dated for about a year exclusively and then off and on for another year. I feel very different about him today. I love him to pieces! But, he is just an amazing friend.

Then there is M, my ex-h. Like I said, I don't think I was in love with him. I think I was in love with the idea of husband and wife and couple and a family. While I learned to love him, I just don't think I was in love with him and yes there is a huge difference.

Then there was J. He was several years ago when the ex and I had separated the first time.... with every intention of getting a divorce (but as history shows we didn't until years later)..... Anyway, I thought I was in love with him too. I honestly don't think I was. Again, I think it was the idea of someone new. We had great conversations and great sex, but that was about it.

These aren't the only guys I have dated/been with, but they are the ones that if I was in love.... these would be the 3.

Am I ready for that again? I don't know. I know that if there is a new husband in my future. I will only do it if I am in love. Not just the idea of it. How will I know the difference? I don't know. I just think I will know when the time comes. I feel like I was lost before. I now feel like I know who I am, what I want and I know I have a lot to give.

So anyway, to GuyGM..... there ya go babe. Do it for love, nothing else. And make sure it is not just the "idea" of it.


Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Children and Body Image

So I talked to the ex today to see how the kids were doing. I didn't get to talk to them but will try to talk to them later. Anyway he was telling me all the things they are doing/not doing.

Like their "new" eating habits and the fact that they are all having to weigh in every Sunday morning. He measured and weighed them, and had them set weight lose goals. K is (almost) 13 years old, 5'5" and weighs @140 lbs. H is 11, 4' 11" and weighs @130 lbs. L is (almost) 5 and is 3'10" weighing in around 45 lbs. Okay not terrible but the two older ones are a bit on the heavy side, more H than K though.

Now this isn't a big deal, really BUT given his history with me and them, I am sooo worried about my children. Will they get an eating disorder? Will they always worry about their body and have a poor body image of themselves? They are all already on their way to it.

K always skips meals. H overeats after he talks to his dad on the phone. and L is only 5 and is always talking about being fat (which he is NOT).

Don't get me wrong some of the things he has done and is doing are great! He is talking to them about "choices" and not allowing them to eat a bunch of junk. He also tries to keep them active.

Things I do as well but I am at fault for their weight problems in the first place! I have a million excuses and reasons for doing this but a lot of times we eat out. There really is no good excuse and I started taking a lot of steps in the right direction with this.

I started making weekly menus and sticking to them. I also discussed with them good choices versus bad, portion sizes and talked to K about not skipping meals.

When they get back from their dad's I had planned to start us all in counseling, both separately and together, or really whatever seems to make sense. I am hoping this will help us all feel better about ourselves as well as help H with his emotional eating.

So anyway, I didn't say anything to him about my worry. I feel like he is only doing some harm but not all. Not to mention, I just feel like its not my business anymore how he interacts with them.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Randomness, Randomness

I wasn't tagged with this but doing it anyway. I don't know why I'm doing this.... I guess I'm depressed tonight and after my last post, I figured something "light."

So here are the rules:
The Rules

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (I don't plan to tag anyone. If you do it, you do it!)

Now let's see if I can come up with 8 new random things I haven't already posted.

1. I used to have Huskies. I loved them sooo much! I used to take them running. Anna pulled the leash too hard and broke it. They also like hot sauce.... especially when it was poured all over the back fence to keep them from chewing it. I had two and then they had two, so I had 4 Huskies for a while because we didn't give the pups for a few months.

2. I love the beach, hate sand. If I could be at the beach but not touch a grain of sand, it would be a good day.

3. Have I mentioned my fear and hate for spiders?

4. I was married at the Justice of the Peace in JEANS and tennis shoes. I have no pictures and never had a second ceremony to "make up for the first."

5. I believe in evolution and reincarnation and that people can come back to us as ghosts, spirits or any form they want. I think my Uncle is a hawk that was flying around during his funeral and has been spotted several times during visits to the grave. I also think my great-grandmother as come to me in my dreams.

6. The first concert I ever went to was George Strait. Back before he performed at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo!

7. I like to kiss. Nuff said.

8. I love Texas. I love everything about it..... except maybe the spiders. I do not plan to live outside of Texas again. Visits and vacations, yes. To live Texas to live somewhere else.... There better be a damn good reason! And money ain't one.

And, since #3 shouldn't really count.... here is 9.... to make this actually 8.

9. I love NASCAR. It took a long time for me to actually say I was a fan though I used to want to be a race car driver and sometimes, in my mommy-mobile, I pretend.

Okay like I said, not going to tag anyone. Feel free to write your own random 8 facts, please just let me know in the comments if you do so I can read them!!! :)

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Years of therapy (Warning: Deep topic....)

Okay its Sunday and maybe I shouldn't write about something so deep on a Sunday, I don't know why I think its too deep for a Sunday, maybe just because its been a great weekend!

However, I had a dream just this weekend that has left me shaken from it and thinking I should head in for a few counseling sessions, just to clear my head.

I was sexually abused as a child.

No sympathy needed. I have learned through my research (because if I don't know about something, I crave information about it) that this is something surprisingly common. I am sure someone reading this right this second was or knows someone that was as a child.

It started when I was between 8 and 9. Not sure how or why, I don't really care. I guess what has always bothered me is that I didn't know it was wrong. Once I learned it was wrong it stopped. Imagine sitting in 9th grade health class, a weird and awkward time anyway, and reading about sexual abuse and having that ton of bricks dropped on you. Holy shit! Of course as the victim, I totally blamed myself. Thought I would be punished so never told a soul. At least not at first. Couldn't tell my family, couldn't tell my friends, couldn't tell anyone. I could barely tell myself. I just hid and avoided.

At some point I did tell a few friends who swore to their death with the secret. Thankfully one of my friends did not keep that secret for long. My family was somewhat angry by it, the fact that she went to a school counselor with it rather than coming to them and keeping it private. My grandmother went so far as to try to get me to lie about it so that we could just keep it "in the family" to deal with. Are you serious? No I have emotional scars that may never heal because of this. I wasn't protected. Period.

Long story short, I was removed from my home only because CPS thought I needed a change of environment for a while. So I lived with my favorite Aunt until her son became too jealous.... I think he was mostly confused by what was happening but was also having some troubles himself and blamed it on me. So I then moved in with my grandparents and quickly became quite the rebel. I started sneaking out of the house, every night. Why? Not for drugs, not for alcohol, not to smoke.... but just because I could and I wasn't suppose to.

I also started counseling. I would see Susan every week, then every other week and then once a month. This lasted about 2 years. She talked to me about anything I wanted to talk about. She got to the root of my feelings and taught me to understand my feelings. Prior to this if you asked me how I felt, I would answer with a physical feeling not an emotional one. Now you can ask me and it could run the gamut of emotions. (except in small talk, because then I'm just fine or good or okay.... in passing nobody really cares how you are!).....

I also learned as the "victim", I was not at fault. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, it just did.

So over the years I have had dreams of it. At first all the time, almost every night. I would always have the most horrible nightmares and this went on for years. They started to lessen, at least the sexually abusive ones but I still had nightmares all the time. One year I learned to sleep with classical music on so that I wouldn't dream.... or at least not remember them. My abuse was not a scary thing like you will hear on the news or see in a "made for women" movie. No it was coming from a place where the person was just as confused as I was and had a "sickness." I have forgiven. He thought it was with love that he did this and that was how it was given.... but it does not make it any more right. Just that I had no reason to have nightmares about something like this yet I did. I was never held down, never hit, never yelled at. A gun was never put in my face, no weapons of any type. But these are the things of my dreams.

Yet my latest one was..... I went to the person and I asked for it. He said, "you know we can't. You turned me in once before." I begged, I pleaded... please, please just one more time.

Just typing this I'm shaking with shame and embarassment over it. Why would my mind want me to dream this? What is going on in there? Why would I ever think to do that?

I just don't know and I really don't know if I want to know. There are so many more important questions still left unanswered in my mind.

My CPS counselor, the one that was given my case and told to protect me, told me that I would marry a man that would abuse my children. WTF?! Are you serious? So I wonder, did I let my marriage end because this was in my mind? No I don't think so and I think anyone that knew both my ex and me, would say the same.

And, now as a single mom who is dating, I think, will I bring someone around my children that would do this?? This is probably the scariest thing about being a single mom. This person wouldn't love my children the way I and their father do..... I don't know, it is just always on my mind. Her words. Oh and Susan (my counselor) did address this and told me I would be careful so I just hold her words too, for comfort that I will make smart decisions. So far so good. I would only bring someone around them that I trust completely.

Then I also wonder, would I ever do this to a child? Gawd, I hope not! I started babysitting at the age of 11 and through all this time I have had the care of many, many children. And, while I would look at these children, I would think, "How does it start? Why would someone look at this innocent child and think I'm going to do that?" I never once tried nor thought of doing it myself, just like I said wondered why? how? So I guess that answers that question....and yet the question is still in my mind.

Through the years, I have had moments of depression, anxiety and just out right out of control feelings, so I will rush on in for some counseling to get me over the hump. This will be my life until I die, I'm sure. Unless I end up with someone that is supportive and understanding and patient enough to deal with my emotional issues as they creep up. He would have to understand where they come from, this very scary place in my head.

I just feel this is just too much to ask of a person that I'm not paying and does not have the training for so unless I marry a trained therapist, then I will just continue on as is. Going in when I need to have my head cleared and my feelings validated and explained.

This was really long and if you actually read this whole thing, then bless you! You are a saint! If you weren't scared off by my emotional scars then thank you even more. We all have something, right?

Thursday, June 07, 2007


I hate spiders. One of the few things that makes my blood run cold. I get chills, I stop cold. I can't think, can't move. The room blurs as my whole focus is on that eight-legged freak.

In the past week I have encountered 3 spiders. 2 in my house and one on my car.

The first was in my boys' room. I was cleaning it. It was a mess and I can see why the spider was in there. But, it was on me and that just can't happen! EVER! I seriously would shiver for 30 minutes after I got it off of me. I don't know if I killed it because I hit it and swiped it off of me at the same time. I don't know where it is, but I really haven't been back in the boys' room since.

The second was on my windshield of my car. I stopped to grab myself some dinner on the way back from the airport last night. As I sat waiting, it climbed on driver's side window..... Thankfully I was able to squash it with the window by closing it! (shutter)

The third was in my bathroom sink. Are you kidding me?!?! I grabbed some bathroom cleaner and gave a few squirts of that. Buh-bye Mr. Spider, your time here is over.

So help me if I see another, I will burn the place down and move on. Okay not really but (shutter) what is going on with all the fucking spiders!!!!!??????

There are just somethings I truly miss about North Dakota!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


I'm baaaackk!!!

It was a blast. I'm exhausted but will blog soon. Also a little behind on making the rounds with comments but I'm trying to keep up and read everyone!

Thanks for stopping by!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Day one - No kids - Summer 2

So last summer, the kids were gone for only 3 weeks. They left on June 25 (K's bday) and went to the ex-In laws for the whole time. This summer we have a court order that says at least 42 days (last summer we agreed on 3 wks). They will actually be gone more like 2 mths.

Anyway. So I did fine. No crying but I didn't laugh either. I was just .... well.... normal! Okay sort of, I had a lump in the back of my throat like I might cry and that giddy feeling in my stomach that you get when you are excited.

Came home and cleaned house.

And, as I sit here typing this, I am suppose to be packing to go to New Orleans for work. But I am waiting on some laundry so I can finish... err, start.

Goofball came over for a short time tonight. It was great to see him, even if we only got a short time together. It was great because he kinda surprised me but a little embarrassing because I was just out of the shower and about to take out my garbage! Now that's attractive, right? lol!

Well I'm off for a few days but will update on my trip! I'm so excited. This is my first team meeting for work and while it may be a boring meeting, it sounds like parts of it will be fun!!! We are doing some kind of team building exercise in the French Quarter. We are guessing some kind of Scavenger hunt or something similar!

Back on Thursday!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Well they are leaving....

.... So begins the two months without kiddos. On one hand I am soooo looking forward to the break and on the other, well, I will miss them like crazy. I have been teary all day about it too.

All packed up and ready to go.

We meet the dad at 11:00 am tomorrow half way between here and there.

I am soooo ready for this and I'm soooo not ready.

What am I going to do with myself?

I'm sure I'll think of something!

In reply to my Navy "regrets"

I posted a meme and one of the questions was "3 things I regret"..... The Exception questioned why I left and why I wish I hadn't. Rather than just post my reply in the comments. I figured I would tell the story here.

1992 I joined the Navy for many, many reasons. Basically I needed a huge change in my life and it was sort of like running away from home but not really. And, not really from home but from my current life because it just wasn't going where I wanted it to. So not really running away in the hopes of getting away from problems.... just running away in the sense of change.

Love it from the word go. Boot camp was actually kinda fun! Yes, fun! I loved the physical challenge of it. I loved the discipline of it. Did not like parts but overall, it was a great experience. Ask me my favorite part and I'll tell you it was the week of Fire and Damage Control. That is the week we went in the gas chamber.....

First duty station was a helicopter training squadron. Over the 3 1/2 yrs I was there, I did just about everything. I quickly became the expert in most of the Admin things. I worked in Student Control inputting student grades, keeping track of flight times and making sure that the pilot-to-be didn't miss a step in training. I also did the new student orientation and helped organizing the winging ceremony! It rocked! I then worked in our Admin office which basically ran the whole squadron. There we took care of the staff and instructors. I did Legal when I worked there too. Oh and supplies and I went from an E-1 - E-4 by the time I left. I earned my Air warfare Specialist wings too! I couldn't fly but it meant I knew about all aspects of aviation. I got to ride in a helicopter which was the best thing EVER!!!!!

This is also when I meet my husband and had our first two kids. So that first 4 years just flew by!

We then went to Norfolk, VA. I worked for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic.... or SACLANT or the bigger name of NATO. This was a huge assignment, I thought. I ranked up again within just a few months of being here.

Let me explain that really quick. You have to be in your current rank for X amount of time and between each the time gets longer (as you move up). Then when you are ready, you have to complete a certain amount of course work and training, then you take a test. Your evaluation, test score and points for certain awards gave you a score. If you scored higher than the cut-off, you were then ranked up.

I had a great experience here too. But, it was also during this 4 years that I knew that I wanted a divorce. I know the exact moment I knew we would get a divorce. December 1998. He rejected me yet another time to watch TV.... I had shaved (if ya know what I mean).... Came to him in a sexy outfit and he told me to move so he could watch his show. He said he would come upstairs after he was done with his show. Well he didn't get any that night or any for the next year at least. I started talking to a lawyer but in the state of VA you have to be separated for a year before you can file. During that time we did go to counseling but were both seeing other people too.

So time, some how, we stayed together. I don't know why. I guess I just decided that this is who I was just going to be with unhappy or not. So we stayed together. But, we just had spells when one or the other of us wanted out. We never quite recovered.

Well he was never very plugged in to the kids. Especially H who some how became the scapegoat of everything that was going wrong. H was the reason I was fat. H was the reason my body had changed...... And, while yeah, in a way its true. I DO NOT blame my child for that nor take out my frustrations out on him for it.... My ex did. He said it ALL the time! He also compared the kids a lot. I also couldn't trust him to feed them well. He just let them snack but never would feed them meals (he has come a long way with this). He never really engaged them in activities and things.... I just felt like it was all me!

So when the time came to decide if I would take orders to a new duty station and reenlist again or get out..... I called to see what was available. I could go to a ship or overseas without my kids. I thought about it and decided that it was in their best interest to get out and move back home. I wanted them to have a more stable life (which after 7 years I feel they finally have).

So basically I got out because I didn't want to leave my kids and I wanted to make sure that I was around them. But also I don't like moving every 3-4 yrs and being in limbo while you wait to pick orders or are assigned orders....

I wish that my ex would have been more plugged in to our family or at least just the kids. Then I would have stayed in.... or at least I might have.

And, another thing I left out, my ex was in but he was medically discharged so that made my decision easier. He was going to be in so I just figured I would get out.

I really miss that life. The structure of it sometimes though. It was like a big family. And, when the USS Cole was bombed in 2000. I cried because that was one of the ships they asked for me to go on. I would have been on it when it was bombed. I felt like I should have been there with my shipmates...... And, the 9/11, I wanted to go back in. And now with the war in Iraq..... granted I would just be on a ship or something but I should be in.

Oh well that is my story.....

Friday, June 01, 2007

PPD Happens

I wanted to spotlight this blog! My friend Jen started it. It was kinda of a evolved thing from a discussion on the message board we both belong to and something I said. And I love her for doing this. Okay I loved her before because she just truly rocks! But, she started this to help women share their stories with PPD and PPP.

This is serious folks. Its real and its not just "baby blues." (Tom Cruise can kiss my ass!) But, there are varying degrees of it from PPD to PPP....

Please, please check out the blog and then send her your stories or experiences with it!

This will also be on the side bar so you can always find it! Pass it on. Tell everyone. Link to it!

A Meme

I got this from Mama Drama. I wasn't tagged exactly, Stephanie just left an open invitation and it looked fun so I thought what the heck! Why not?

3 things that scare me:
1. Spiders!!
2. Closed in places
3. Not having the right words when someone needs to hear them

3 people who make me laugh:
1. My brothers!
2. My kids!
3. Goofball

3 things I love:
1. My kids
2. Animals (especially my spoiled rotten cats)
3. Texas

3 things I hate/severely dislike:
1. Narrow-mindedness
2. Spiders!
3. When I cry

3 things I don't understand:
1. Narrow-mindedness
2. Money
3. Politics (and don’t try to explain it to me!)

3 things on my desk:
1. Calculator
2. Bubbles
3. Eskimo Joe Cup!
1. Calculator
2. A Netflix envelope that I need to take to my parents
3. Stacks of bills!

There is more on both but those are just random things!

3 things I'm doing right now:
1. Ignoring my work and to-do list
2. Listening to my co-workers gossiping right outside my cube.
3. Thinking about Sunday night!!

3 things I want to do before I die:
1. Travel a lot! (Alaska, Africa and Australia for sure!)
2. Start my own business
3. Be remembered for making a difference

3 things I can do well:
1. Make my kids laugh/annoy my kids!
2. Type?
3. Critizism myself!

3 things I can't do well:
1. Cook
2. Clean
3. Pretty much anything “domestic”

3 things I think you should listen to:
1. My parents
2. My children
3. Music!

3 things I think you should never listen to:
1. The News
2. My internal dialogue
3. Negativity, especially in the form of my ex

3 things I'd like to learn
1. How to play a few musical instruments. (I don’t really care which just something or at least know how to play the piano better)
2. Computer…. Stuff? Programming type of things….?
3. Cook better!

3 favorite foods:
1. Berries and whipped cream or cottage cheese
2. Hot wings/buffalo wings
3. Just about anything I don’t have to cook!

3 shows I watched as a kid:
1. Smurfs
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. The Brady Bunch

3 things I regret:
1. Getting out of the Navy
2. Settling
3. Not making myself happy sooner

3 people I tag:
1. 2. 3. Anybody that wants to play.

Its the little things

So I am still a bit on edge, didn't sleep well and having a really hard time checking off things on my to-do list today at work!

But, I made a quick phone call and it really cheered me up a bit. Just enough that I think I can tackle my to-do list and finish my day without breaking down.

And, I feel like just getting through today, I will be okay. Then tomorrow, I will just get through it a step at a time and then by Sunday, I should be golden.

I appreciate the call earlier. Nothing really had to be said about me right now (but it was) and no special effort. Just needed a distraction or a laugh or just to hear his voice for just a few minutes. That was just enough.

Okay back to work!!!!