Monday, March 31, 2008

I love Site Meter but.....

So I have Site Meter now as I think I mentioned BUT it is starting to make me a bit paranoid. Is my ex reading this? It wouldn't take much for anyone that knows me to actually find my blog! I mean, hello! He and I used almost the same screen name on that was a weird feeling when we realized that we did that.

But, anyway, so I see tons of different places in Texas as hits. Whole bunch of places.... and a lot near where he lives. Yikes! Thankfully if he is reading, he isn't saying anything and I am glad for that. I hope he will respect this as "my place" and where I can vent and talk things out. In fact, I am sure he would feel that way.

I wish I would have started with Site Meter sooner too. It is soooo interesting! I am surprised by how people are finding me and how many people read my blog! I am surprised because I don't get that many comments.

Anyway, thanks to all that do read me and thanks to those that find me randomly and read. And really thanks to my friends that read and comment.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Privacy, oh how I crave it!

I think I have talked about my house here before but I am not going to go back and look through the 360+ posts to find out.

But it is small! It is just about 1,000 sq ft.... it is a 3 bedroom, 1 bath and no garage house. However, it has the biggest yard! I love that part. You could almost build this same exact house right on the lot.... it is that big.

It is also owned by my parents and I rent it from them. Yes I do pay them.

With that said, we are currently having plans drawn up on a remodel. To most it would like we aren't doing a lot to the house. It is true. We aren't really adding much square feet or more bedrooms or more kitchen space..... all the things I need. But, what we are doing is adding a bathroom.... in fact it is going to be MY OWN BATHROOM!!! A more private master suite is what we are going for.

The current house has a bathroom between two bedrooms. My room has a door to the bathroom and the other door opens to the hallway.

I hate it! I can't really lock my bedroom unless I lock the bathroom door to the hall. This means that if a kid needs the bathroom, they are locked out. I also hate at night when the kids get up and turn the light on in the bathroom. Even with the door stuff from my room to the bathroom, it creeps under the door and wakes me.

The new plan is to close that door with a wall and put the new bathroom and a walk-in closest in my current bedroom and then push the exterior wall out to create my new bedroom. One door into it. A bathroom and closest buffer between the kids and me! My bedroom will be outside of the 'main' house... I get a lot of say in the design but my parents have the final say as it is their money. :)

I am just tried of sharing with little kiddos. In fact just now I went to the bathroom and before I could lock the doors, in walks L.... He is 5 and keeps forgetting the knocking thing. "Hmmm hello." He was like, "I have to go potty." So I left but not before reminding him to knock.

I am ready. I am soooo ready. I just have to wait until the plans are drawn and then find out how much to see if it is doable. I am trying not to be toooo excited yet because there is still a chance it won't happen.... but I am very hopefully! I think if the price is right, it will because my parents are all about making this house/living situation work well for us.

Until then, I will have to continue with the one bathroom and lack of privacy.... It has worked for 3 yrs now but still.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Something for Saturday

I am trying to make an effort to write something everyday. I think so far it is going well. I think I have missed one day this week.... maybe two. But not bad, right?

So my something for today, I am taking the puppy to a park today for Paws in the Park. He is going to love it. I am a little nervous, paranoid, worried because he is still pretty young but he has had most of his vax so far. I think it is just like when you have a newborn baby and that first big outing is a big deal.

Speaking of Cowboy, today it has been one month since I got him!!!!! I can't believe it. On one hand, it seems like he has been here forever and the other, a blink of an eye.

Then I am trying to decide what I think about this.... None of my kids are really thrilled to talk to their dad right now. He called twice yesterday and they wouldn't answer the phone. They looked at the caller ID and said, "Oh it's just dad." Then after the second call, he called my cell phone. We were watching a movie and normally H will snatch the phone and run off to talk to him. He was the first to say "No"..... then he was suppose to call his dad this morning, but I just asked if he talked to him and he said naaayyy with a shrug. The other two are always lukewarm about talking to him, an out of sight type of thing for the little one and well then there is my Drama Queen Teen.

I am staying out of it as far as anything goes. I am just putting out my confusion to the internet. Not really looking for anything from that, just talking it out. Weird.

Last night was my first really bad sleep night in a while. The puppy didn't sleep with me for only the second time since we got him. Is that it?? At any rate, I tossed and turned, and checked the clock about every hour. I did dream though so not sure what that's about. But they were those really weird dreams.

Well that is my something for Saturday. Enjoy.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Technologically Challenged

I need a bumper sticker or a T-shirt or both with this on it. It is a warning to all!

I have worked in the Information Technology department or with these folks in most of the jobs I have had. In fact, my grandparents used to own a TV shop back in the day and my dad always had some new technology around. We had a home computer before all of my friends, yes ALL of them. We had first addition gaming systems. Etc, etc, etc....

Yet I know crap about them. Okay that isn't completely true. I know just enough to be very dangerous.

I actually worked for several years as support in a help desk while in the Navy. I was the one that ordered all the computer equipment: monitors, CPUs, mice, routers, hard drives, etc. While the folks that needed it told me their needs, I still had to know what the hell I was talking about when I talked with vendors because we had to stay right at the edge of ahead in technology. So I had to know what was going on to get what they needed and the best price and not get ripped off!

However, my home computer is crashed. I think I know what to do.... but I'm scared. I guess I can't make it worse but hmmm, yeah now that I think about it, I can. I'm a bit worried that my laptop will crash and then what? I'll be sunk.

And, speaking of my laptop, it isn't quite set up the way I would like. I am getting it there but not quite.

I'm not sure what has happened to me. Did this stuff fall out of my head or I have been so far removed from it that I just haven't bothered to learn?

I don't know.... but I need help or..... something.... I would really like to get that computer back up and running.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Divorced mom or single mom?

What is the difference between a divorced mom and a single mom? (or you can use parent instead of just mom) I'm not sure. I guess it is just a matter how you look at it.

I am a single mom as in I do parent pretty much alone though the dad isn't a deadbeat. He just isn't here for the daily stuff. But, then that makes me think of the difference between being "divorced" and "single"....Read on.... but be warned, I am just opening my mind and what falls out might not all make sense at once.

Some that are divorced have regular custody orders. If you know me and/or have read this blog for a while, you know we don't. He lives 4 - 5 hours away and sees them a few times a year with an extended visit in the summer. Fine.

I make most of the day to day decisions. I get the hugs. I get to discipline them. The school stuff, the extra activities, the missed buses, the sick kiddo needs to be picked up early... etc. I have to do these things on my own. I am also the type that picks my battles and sometimes I just get worn out and can't be firm. Sometimes I do give in and ya know what? Most of the time it works for us. Are they sometimes bratty? Yes. Do they know how to push my buttons? Yes. And I know I give in too much and I know I give them more than they probably deserve and yes some of that is guilt!!!! They know it and they also know when to stop because they have gone too far. Again, it works for us.... most of the time.

So yes, I am a single mom.... errr, divorced mom?

I say that because I feel far from single. So maybe I am a divorced mom?? Since I haven't really thought of myself as single for a very long time now. Goofball and I have been dating a while. Though we haven't gotten super serious, I care about him very much and feel VERY lucky to have him in my life. So as far as single goes.... I don't really feel it.

With that said, I don't expect him to be in a role of "step-dad" or I guess more like "step-boyfriend".... or I don't know, whatever. I just don't expect that though I like that he doesn't mind hanging out with them from time to time. I also don't mind when he gives me his thoughts, advise or opinions on situations with my kids, just so he knows I will do what makes sense for us, be it his idea or mine. I just like having that grown-up to bounce ideas off of and to vent too. But bottom line is he is my hang out guy, my friend, my boyfriend.... not my children's.

And why is this important? I have been trying to define who I am in this whole crazy single, divorced, parenting world. I know that I am far from alone but at the same time, each situation is different. I think a lot of single parents struggle with defining who they are and what they want.

And that was the main reason for this blog.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Blog, blog, blog

I have been thinking about my blog a lot lately. I have now added Site Meter to it so all your lurkers, I see you!

Basically I want to start getting more traffic here. I want to let it evolve it more, especially my writing. I think I do okay but I am not quite as witty as some but I think I am better than others. Ya know, some where in the middle. I also think I kinda blend in a bit like I do in real life but when I have something to say, I make sure I am heard.

I know if I could make the rounds a lot more (meaning hitting tons of blogs and commenting), I would get more traffic. If I would except some of the invites I get to join this community or that blogroll, I could get more traffic. But, I am picky and somethings just don't seem like my style or someone is trying to get their own site going and need some folks to help get it going.

So I guess I know things I should be doing but how to do it when I have so much else going on in my life? I just don't know yet. Why do some people make it look so easy to "have it all?" I have never been super put together in that sense.

Oh well.... Gotta figure this out. But for now, I am just going to try and write something everyday. At least...... something....

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter and....

I am feeling a bit better than last night. Last night was crazy. I don't know what happened. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Sad. Sleepy from the meds..... etc, etc, etc.....

Today, at this moment, I do feel better. I hope that as the day wears on me, I just roll with it, which is more my style than the other but sometimes a girl has got to cry. It is almost like girl law or something.

Soooooo today is about purging my house which symbolises purging myself.

The kids are doing well. They are just enjoying being home with me. Even H saw some things this time that have him a bit upset and thinking that his dad is inappropriate and that he puts his relationship first before their feelings. Asshole!!! He is soooo going to alienate those kids and I hate it for them all. Even him because he may not realize it now but some day he might. I can only hope that it isn't too late.

So we are enjoying the outside right now and playing with our puppy..... and wishing you all a HAPPY EASTER or if you don't celebrate it, just another great Sunday!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Crying.... okay not really but almost!

I don't actually cry often. I really don't. I joke about it but I don't actually cry often.

Right now I am right on the edge of tears. I can't help it. It is just how I feel tonight.

I should be happy. I should be thrilled. I'm not so much.

I'm a bit sad. A bit disappointed. A bit.... ready to cry.

I will be okay. I will and I will probably not actually cry..... but damn I feel like it!

UPDATE: Okay so I did. Damn it!!!! and I am still on edge to do it again. Crap! I hate this feeling!

It is SATURDAY!!!!

Do you know what that means?

My kids come home today!!!! Whoooohooooo.

I am very excited that they will be here in just a few hours at most. But the one really nice thing about this time is I had the girlfriend to give me a report! I didn't ask for it, mind you. She just did it. I was sooooo excited to see that email because it gave me a different view on the situation up there. So if K comes back saying she didn't get a lot of time with her dad, I know that she probably got a lot but maybe it just wasn't enough for my poor daddy deprived child.

We'll see.

ALSO, today we are having our family March bday celebration. That includes me being that my bday was March 2. I love this day because I share the month with two very special people to me. My grandmother (mom's mom) and my cousin. I do also share it with one other person, she really isn't bad but I can only take her in small doses. But I do like her.

My Army brother is in town too!!!! with his new girlfriend who I can't wait to meet. They just arrived at my folks' house so I need to get a few chores done and then head over there before the crowd gets there.

HAPPY EASTER (weekend) to all!!!!!!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

Not sure what to lead off with here.... I miss the kids, I know at least one is missing home a lot! She text messages or calls me DAILY!!!!! Last night was "Help me, I can't take this. I want to come home." It is like a cry for help that I can't answer. On one hand I don't feel bad at all!!!! But the other.... well damn my baby is sad and I want to fix it. Truth be told I want to fix everyone.

Also, I'm on a new med to help me sleep and BOY does it make me sleep..... well actually not so much sleep as it makes me SLEEPY!!! ALL DAY!!! and dizzy too. Ack! So now I am on two meds and still not feeling "fixed".... My electric shock therapy is my next step. Okay maybe not.....

The puppy is doing GREAT! Okay so he is a baby and is a spoiled, rotten brat!!!! But he is smart. Knows most of the basic commands, except the one about not biting me! Overall a good boy and so much fun.

Good stuff at work. I love my job though this week I have been off because of the meds. But, I just had my yearly review and it was GREAT! I got a nice little raise. Got my contractor service bridged for my benefits. It doesn't change my service date but just for how much vacation I get, sick leave and gets me a year closer to retirement! I guess that's about it from me......

There is probably more but my brain has stopped working. I guess the two meds have met and it is time for sleeping. :)

Because Margaret asked!!!! Here are some puppy pics.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Monday, March 17, 2008

"Do something for yourself this week"

So with the kids gone, everyone keeps telling me to do something for myself this week, to get out and enjoy myself. And yes, I do agree with that thinking but I don't think everyone has the same idea of what would be fun for me.

Several people have told me to go out a lot. But I am more of the at home type. I am an introvert. I get energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people makes me tired and anxious. Though I don't mind some.

I do plan to enjoy myself but I don't plan to go out much, if at all. Though I did enjoy a really nice evening with Goofball last night. Even after all this time, I get really excited to see him each time. It was truly a nice evening.

Anyway, the kids seem to be doing okay, though K has text messaged several times each day and called me a few times too. Today the first text said, "Help me." It was nothing..... she said she just missed me. *sigh* It will be nice to get those babies home with me.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Open letter to my ex

Dear M,

I want to discuss this drama between you and K. You have never seemed to understand that the kids need you. You seem to think that being in the same state as them is good enough. That seeing them 2-3x a year and for an extended summer visit is enough. You seem to think calling a few times a week is good enough. But Mister, it is not. They need you. Your daughter is dramatic and seems to have an attitude with you as a front to her real feelings. Don't you get that? She misses you and you barely even consider her feelings in anything you do.

And while I realize that my way of handling things isn't always right. I know you don't agree with my laid back style, it seems to get fairly good results. She trusts me. I validate her feelings. I never tell her she is wrong in how she feels. If that is how she feels, great. Let's talk about it. And, yes again, you don't agree with me on a lot of things. But right or wrong, I think about the children in every decision I make. Every decision. Some of my decisions may not look like it but I try to make smart decisions with them in mind.... of course I can't always. Sometimes I do have to come first and so do you.

However, when you do only see them a few times a year, why ruin those few moments by being a jerk. I see your point in not wanting her to come this week because you know she is going to make things more challenging with her drama and moodiness. But, let me tell you, I do not and would not choose to basically disown her because of some petty drama. She is 13. Do you know what that means? Life sucks to a 13 yr old. It just does. And then in her mind she is not treated well when she is with you. She feels like she should be important to you, that you would almost drop everything to spend time with them. Personally I don't think it is too much to ask when they are with you just a few times a year that you make them the center of attention in a way. I am not saying stop your life completely but hey take an interest. And yes she does close up and get stubborn, don't be a baby and clam up yourself. That is counter productive.

More than anything I just wish you would have a good, positive relationship with all your children. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I should listen to the "no expectations" theory of thinking on this. I just don't think it is too much to ask that you have a good relationship with them though. Is it?

Well I guess that is all I had to say on the matter.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger lately and for that, well I am sorry.

If I used to visit your blog and I haven't or I haven't commented recently. I am very sorry! I am not ignoring you, I'm just.... blah.

If you have sent me an email asking about linking to me, I am not ignoring you, I am just blah.

If you miss me writing more often, I am not dead and haven't quit blogging, I am just blah!

Basically I am going back to the doc this Friday to discuss my meds. I think an increase is in order. Not to mention I am way busy with the new puppy. He is totally AWESOME!!!!! He is way smart. Knows tons of stuff already and went to the Vet today for the first time (with me anyway). He weighs nearly 16 lbs. Big boy at just 10 wks old.

Then there are the kiddos. I have been busy with them. They are leaving on Saturday to visit their dad. While I know I will miss them, I am ready. I need a break!

Also I haven't mentioned but I have been talking with my ex' girlfriend. I have to admit, I really like her. We do have a lot in common and she seems really nice. I figured she is sticking around (may even be the future step-mom), I should get to know her a bit. Might sound a bit crazy but who said there were rules in divorce?? We agreed that we could set our own rules on what works for us.

I have also started chatting with my ex-Sister-in-law (ex-SIL). I always loved her, probably much more than I loved my ex. I was more upset about "losing" her in the divorce than I was him. I knew he and I were over but she and I were pretty close. I miss her so much.

And really other than just having a Bday, still seeing Goofball and looking at doing some remodeling on my house.... There is not much else going on. Just busy, busy, busy and sleepy. :)

Again, bloggy friends, I am hoping to reconnect with you all soon.


Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The true meaning of puppy love....

I would like to introduce the newest member of our family: Cowboy!!! He is a 2 month old boxer/husky mix. Yes folks he has blue eyes!

I have had a lot of dogs. This is a special one though.... I got him on Friday and he already is housebroken, knows a few basic commands and is just very comfortable in our home. He really isn't sure yet about the cats but they definitely don't like him yet. They think I should take it back where I got him.

Anyway, I have been super busy! but I really wanted to share him. He is going to be HUGE!