Thursday, November 29, 2007

Having a teen daughter

I have always wanted a little girl, a daughter. I got one! I was so excited when she was born. She was my first and I was scared to death and excited all at the same time. She was tiny. She was perfect. She was mine.

I have really enjoyed having a daughter. Now as we get deeper into the teen years that is changing. Now don't get me wrong, I still love having a daughter. I love her. But, it is getting more and more difficult to like her, at least every day. :)

She has gotten that typical teen attitude. We have been fighting a lot more everyday. If I try to discipline her, it gets worse. If I ask her to do anything (chore, homework, get out of bed for school), I am meet with almost hateful stares and attitude. She is currently grounded until she finds her brand-spanking new cell phone. She is pissed.

However, I know this is typical. I know it will pass. I just have to be the same. I have to be steady, generous, keep the lines of communication open, be there for her when/if she is ready. I just have to be very patient.

UPDATE: Not 5 minutes after posting this, she got all sweet and loving again. She was in here just chatting like nothing had happened. Probably to her, nothing did. Gotta love'em.

Monday, November 26, 2007

In the light of day

So today is a new day. I do try to start them all off on a positive note. I try not to let things from yesterday bug me today.

K seemed a little better this morning, though she was really hard to get up. Gee wonder why? And, that is why mom says go to bed on time!!!

Anyway, I can't tell if she was snappy this morning because she was cranky from lack of sleep or still cranky about last night. We will talk later.

I have to admit, I'm still really hurt and angry over this. And while I wish I could say it is all at K, it is not. I know, I know, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions in this. But I can't help but shot blame at her father. Now I won't admit this to them but I actually hate him. I don't know when it came to this but I could feel it building. I think it was my last conversation with him that just did it. I can honestly say I have never really hated anyone before. It doesn't feel good but it is how I feel. I have spent years and years in counseling to be able to identify and understand how I feel. I was also told by a counselor, "Nobody can tell you how to feel. Nobody can tell you it is wrong because it is just how you feel. Its an emotion." Ya know, it is true and it really was a freeing moment for me. She went on to explain that it is how we act and react to the feelings that truly matters. True, true.

Anyway, it is a new day. I'm going to try like heck to put those horrible feelings and words out of my head, not bottled up but out. And as always, just keep on movin' on.

Single mom and the double standard

I am so frustrated, angry, sad, upset, hurt..... grrrr!!!!!

So tonight Goofball came over to hang out. Long story short, I don't have living room furniture right now so we were watching TV in my room. Door open, on top of the covers, completely clothed, not even sitting very close. I think we were holding hands, maybe.

This was around 9, so I started to get the kids ready for bed (well really just telling them because they are all big enough to know what to do, except maybe L.... but really he is 5).

Well an hour later and they were still not really settled. Giggling and kept coming in the room for stuff. So I went in the other room (they all wanted to sleep in the same room) to kinda fuss at them. Well K said, "I'm not comfortable going to sleep while Goofball is still here." I said (and maybe I shouldn't have but I did!), "You sleep at dad's with Ms. C there, what's the big deal? It isn't like he will be sleeping over, he is leaving shortly." She shoots back with, "Yeah but she lives there." (which I figured but didn't know for sure)

At this point I was getting pissed to all hell! What the f$ck does that matter!!! I have known Goofball much longer than the ex has been dating her!!!(17mths to his 6 mths) Why should I be held to a higher standard than their dad??? (If I really let myself think about it, I could figure it out but its not fair.... and yeah, I know how childish it sounds to say, "Its not fair." )

K has been saying stuff like this a lot lately. I swear some of it sounds like it is straight from her dad's mouth! She keeps saying how sarcastic I am. I mean hello, if you have known me all of 5 minutes you know I am sarcastic about 99% of the time. Why is she pointing it out now? I really know why because her dad always told me how sarcastic I was. Ugh!

I basically was very childish and said she had to get over it, he was staying longer and she had to sleep.

But, I'm just so .... ugh! Just why? I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. Why does he get to have a life? Why can't I? Do I have to start sneaking around to see Goofball? I do not think so. Damn it!!! I'm a grown woman.

I am really trying to be sensitive to them. I really am. But at some point, my dating is going to cross with them. They have got to understand.

I know (or at least hope) that someday she will understand. This is just one of those things I hate about being a single mom. Blah!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Tis the season!

Best Christmas Video - youtube

I can't embed this but it is one of my faves.


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Another season comes to an end

Dale Jr will be heading over to his new race team for the 2008 season. He didn't end on a positive note but it really was par for the course for this season.

Jimmie Johnson won the Nextel Cup for a second year in a row. H is happy as this is the driver he likes the most. He is the driver I really dislike and not because he is a bad driver. Far from it. I hate to say but yes, he is a great driver!

So now I have to start the count down to the new season. It opens in Daytona and the big event is Feb 17th..... the Daytona 500!!!!!

Stay tuned race fans!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Well it happened!

My daughter is now taller than me. It is just a teeny, tiny bit but she is officially taller than me now. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it would be soon but still when we were both standing in the bathroom and she said, "Am I taller than you now?".... I had a moment of "Oh no... not yet!" but she is. She is 13. It is kinda weird to have a child taller than me but they all will be. There dad is tall. His family is tall. Heck a lot of people in my family are tall too.

But, the day my youngest is taller than me, and he will be.... and probably the tallest of the three, now that will be a weird day for me (good day!). He is just my little baby right now (5 yrs old). I just am amazed by him daily....

Anyway, one child taller, two more to go.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Quote of the Day

Have you noticed in my sidebar the quote of the day? If not, here it is for today.

Quote of the Day
Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life.
John F. Kennedy

When I divorced, I vowed to myself that I would not settle for second. I would not lower my standards for anyone. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I deserve to be happy.

And, that is what I have set out to do.

I just thought it was a good quote for today and how I have been feeling.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

More Therapy

So last Monday, I started going to counseling again. Actually, this time it is me and the kiddos. However, being our first session, it was mostly about me and the kids had to sit in the waiting room most of the time. They were not happy but mama has got to get her head fixed first.

I got a ton of great info and support from it. I feel such a relief. I huge weight lifted.

But, I guess one of the most freeing things I got from it was the information he gave me about codependency. This was something I was very worried about when I started dating. I know myself and I know I can be very codependent and very clingy.... and really aren't they pretty much the same thing. (at least to guys)

So anyway, talking with him, he gave me a hand out about codependency. I was so surprised to see the characteristics and the signs of being codependent. That used to be me! I felt so awesome as I read through the list.

Signs of Being stuck in codependent patterns are:
1. Focus only on the behavioral needs of partners, rather than our own.
2. We elicit behaviors from our partners which reinforce our belief that they need us.
3. We constantly misinterpret their needs, their wants and their feelings for our own.
4. We consistently behave toward our partners in ways which maintain their neediness.
5. We misinterpret our own behavior as loving, when we are actually manipulating and controlling.
6. We interact with our partners in codependent ways rather than interdependent ways.

This next part is the part I really see myself in. Almost every single one of the below, I can say yes, oh yes, Definitely me.... or I really mean "old" me.... Not at all me now.

Then Codependent Characteristics are:
1. Come from dysfunctional home where emotional needs were not met.
2. Received little real nurturing and tries to fill unmet need by becoming a caregiver.
3. Terrified of abandonment and do whatever is necessary to keep a relationship going.
4. Nothing is too much trouble or takes too much time if it will "help" the one you love.
5. Accustomed to a lack of love, willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
6. Taking on far more responsibility, guilt or blame in the relationship than the partner does.
7. Low self-esteem and feel undeserving of happiness.
8. Little security growing up with a consequent need to control partner.
9. Much more aware of the dream of how relationship "could be" rather than the reality of "what is".
10. Addicted to partner and to emotional pain.
11. Possible abuse of food, alcohol, drugs.
12. Drawn to people who need "fixing" thereby avoiding focus on self.
13. Clinging to excitement of unstable relationship helps avoiddepressive episodes.
14. Often find kind, stable, reliable persons who are interested in the person, boring.

Some people might argue that I still fit many of these, but I just don't feel it, don't see it. Not like I used to be anyway. I mean I won't argue that to some degree I still could fit some of the characteristics. However, I feel like I get farther and farther from this codependent behavior everyday. I plan to just keep working on it too.

I go back to counseling on this next Monday. I am looking forward to it and I have a list that I am working on of things I would like to discuss. I do still feel a huge burden as a single mom.... but I am feeling the burden shrink. It just took admitting that I couldn't handle it alone anymore.

Monday, November 05, 2007

I love to read

I love reading. I love books. I love words. But, ya know the only thing I hate about reading..... when I get to the end.

I just finished up two books this weekend (actually one just 2 minutes ago). I loved them both. Since I could read, I have. Everything I could get my hands on. Funny thing, it used to drive my ex crazy! We would be at home watching a movie, maybe even something I really wanted to see, but yet I would also be sitting there reading a book. I told him I could do both! I was a good multi-tasker.

Anyway, to my dismay, my children never picked up this habit. I used to read to them. I always made sure they had books. Made sure they saw me reading and enjoying my books. And, when I say I am always reading..... I am.

Well lately my children have started reading. I could not be more thrilled!!! In fact, K is going to a book club party thing tomorrow for the book Twilight. H loves the Magic TreeHouse Books! And L is just starting to read, but he is my only one that has always been able to sit forever and look through books.

So while I don't have very exciting interests and hobbies, I do love to read and the best part of reading is that I can be anyone, anywhere and at anytime. It is great! It is like I have a very interesting life, full of adventure without every leaving my house.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Christmas Music

Is it too early for Christmas Music? If stores can decorate for Christmas the day after Halloween, I think I can queue up the ole Christmas Music (which, yes, is playing right now at my house!). Burn a CD for the car. Singing in the shower. Drive my children crazy with it all.

Well I don't think its too early. I need the cheering up for one. For two, I like Christmas time. What's that? You are right. I do not like holidays that are over commercialized, very true. And, yes Christmas definitely is but I guess I look past that because of the meaning it has to me.

I have to admit here that I'm not uber Christian but I do believe..... something. I always say I'm more agnostic than anything else but it would just really take toooo long to explain what I believe and I didn't come to it easily. But I'm not going into religious beliefs or how I came to be this way.

Let's just say Christmas means something different to everyone even if you are of the same religious beliefs. My memories and my experiences are much different.

Plus, oh people please keep him in your thoughts, my brother (B) will be HOME FROM IRAQ!!!!! Just about a month more and he will be back at Ft. Hood!!!!! This is why this Christmas is so important. Also my younger brother (J) said he would come home when B comes home. J lives in Colorado with his fam.

This Christmas will also be a little sad. It is the first time I will be actually handing my children over to their father for the holiday. Well actually, I shouldn't sound so down about it, I am actually giving them over the day after Christmas but whatever. It is time I get used to the idea of this though because this is my life now. But hopefully this arrangement will work for everyone. He gets them the second half of the Winter Break.

So really the question and the reason for this post, is it too early for Christmas music?

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Life update or just random crap

So I haven't written here for a week now and really my blogging has all gone down hill.

I have a ton of notes and ideas, but that is as far as my brain will let me go.

I have been amazingly stressed, busy and physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm disappointed with my life and happy at the same time. How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time?

It is really hard to live life. Even harder being a single parent. Even harder when the other doesn't help. Even harder when the support you thought you had suddenly disappoints you.

And don't get me wrong, I do not for one second regret getting divorced. My life, though hard at times without that partner, that support, that companion, it is 100% better than it was with him. he was just the wrong person for me.

Anyway, with the kids showing all kinds of signs of distress and my own fragile feelings right now, I contacted our Employee Assistance Program representative and got the ball rolling for some family counseling. K is resistant to the idea. I said if she resisted that I would beat her with it. She said, "with IT".... yes I know what I said and I did mean that. I would beat her with her resistant attitude. See I always say dumb things that. It keeps the kids guessing.

So anyway, taking steps to right the wrongs, fix the owies of our hearts and hopefully I can shake off this funk!

So that's life right now. Wish us luck at therapy! We need this right now.