Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Feeling better

Thank you for all the great support! I have taken it all to heart.

I had a chat with my most special friend tonight and she gave me the talk I needed. I appreciate her very much. She is one of my dearest friends and though we have been apart for a long time, it is only distance. She still knows me very, very well. And she isn't the type that tells me WHAT I want to hear but what I NEED to hear and I really love that about her. But sometimes what I want to hear is the hard stuff that is hard to swallow but I need it just the same.

She knows that I have times that I just get depressed and it has nothing to do with anything but my typical depression cycles and when that happens, I tend to magnify one or two problems to something huge... It isn't a big deal and I just need to remember that.

Ack! I hate depression! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

But I have a plan and she thinks it is good so we go from there... err, I go from there. :)

Thank you for listening (Reading)!!!

Thick skin/thin skin

I feel like I am a pretty strong person and I love myself very much. This wasn't always the case and while I feel this way most of the time, sometimes I allow myself to get down on myself and give into being weak. I think it is normal.

I also feel like I am fairly thick skinned, meaning I don't take things to heart when people talk bad about me or tell me I am wrong. Heck I know I am not perfect and I know what areas I could improve on. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be human and I wouldn't be me.

However, once I open my heart to you, be it family or friend, I get a very thin skin and can be hurt by you. I think this is also a normal part of being human. We have emotions and I don't think as a whole we were meant to be reclusive. I realize there are exceptations to ever rule but my point is we seek out people to be around and have in our life, and therefore we can open ourselves to being hurt.

Not sure where I was going with this.... Hmmm... Let's change direction a bit... I am trying to explain my recent absence a bit but it is very scrambled up.

I just feel like my life is spinning around me right now and I do not feel like fixing it at the moment. I might whine a bit or complain, heck I might even cry or worse get sick from it. But I know it is a moment in time and I know that I will get back to me. I call these times my depression moments. I am down in this hole, just looking up and watching, waiting for the skies to clear. I can only focus on one area in my life at a time when I am like this. It has to be work most of the time or else I can't support the family.

The house is the first thing that takes a back seat. Gosh I want my house clean but if I just hide in the hole for a bit, I can't see it. I am not a great housekeeper, never have been. I see the pet hair. I see the 100 glasses and the trash and the laundry.

I just want to pay someone else to do it who either 1. is good at it and/or 2. does a good job because it is their job. I don't care which just so long as I have a clean house and I am not the one doing it....

Cooking is not fun for me anymore either.... heck it wasn't, even before I climbed on down this hole. I used to enjoy it and I used to have pride in it, but I also worked a lot fewer hours and had people that actually appreciated my efforts. I do eat "bad" several times a week but for the most part, I do okay. I try to eat several veggies and some fruit in a day. I try to balance my carb intact and my proteins. I do drink one soda a day but I drink a lot of water. When I don't have a soda, I will drink one glass of milk or juice.... there are rare days I do both in one day (Sunday for example was a bad food day).... But truly I know what to eat, how to eat and how much. I know why I am overweight. Just right now, in this hole, it is not a priority.

And then I could complain about my kids. They do not help me around the house as much as I would like and they are somewhat disrespectful to me. I have tried many different things except for whatever works. Rewards, consequences, grounding, etc.... Doesn't matter to them. And I am sure if I had cameras in my house 24/7, I could see what it is I am doing wrong. I am a push over and I have some typical mommy guilt that causes me to reduce groundings and reward even when there is nothing to reward. I get it. But overall, I have good kids and they do know when to stop pushing back and just pick up.....

That is just a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind.... and it isn't even the big, huge elephant in the room problem that I can't seem to deal with. These are the fixable things at least. My big elephant is not at the moment fixable. Well really it is but I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation and the clock is ticking. And this is the one that keeps me hiding in this hole. This is one that if I decide to fix, it will get me out of the hole but do I want to?

I told myself several years ago that if I was ever unhappy with something in my life I would fix it. Be it a job, a relationship, myself, the house.... It didn't matter, I would take control and fix it. I vowed that life was too short to live it unhappy, yet what if the thing that brings you the most joy is also the thing destroying you day after day, week after week.... Then what?

So you see why I live with an elephant.

I don't want anyone reading into this what they think my problem might be that needs fixing. You could guess and guess, and you would be wrong.... and heck even if it were true, am I ready to admit it? No, not yet.

I don't really want someone to fix it for me either. I have to solve this problem. It is my problem.

It took me eight years to fix my last elephant sized problem and before that it was also years. I am a patient person but I also believe in taking risks. So just like I knew it was time to move back to Texas, end my marriage, quit a job I didn't like.... I will wait until I feel I am ready and only then can I walk away thinking, "No regrets! and What a ride!"

Sunday, February 15, 2009

NASCAR is back!!!!

Today is the Daytona 500!!!! Wooohooo!

Of course L has a bday party to go to through most of it and I am sooo tempted to call them and say we can't make it. But *sigh*... I won't. I will just catch the beginning and end as well as record it on DVR just in case I miss something good!

I don't have any prediction and I have to admit I haven't kept up with the latest news on the drivers.... but I will now!

Good luck today boys! I am hoping for a good race!

Looking at the past to find myself

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook. I originally joined for work as a networking thing and also to learn the ins and outs of it because I have teenagers and I need to know about these social networking sites.

For a long time I resisted looking for my high school classmates. I hated HS and was very socially immature back them. I remember so many embarrassing things that I did or said and I hate to think that people will remember that way. But there are many people that I truly do want to know how they are doing and others I have gotten in touch with through the years, and then lost touch.

Heck I don't even think I will be going to my 20th HS Reunion but it is still about 2 yrs away so who knows. Maybe by opening this door to my past I can mend some of the bridges, fix the fences and just in general get some closure on my past. I figured if people get a look at my life now and who I have became, they would also forget the way I used to be.

I do realize we all change from the people we were in HS. After all, it was 18 yrs ago and we were still children though trying to be adults. We went to college or to work, we have gotten married and some divorced. We have kids now and have responsibility that we just didn't have in HS.

I do like me now. I like me a lot. I think I am a good person, fun to be around and I know when enough is enough..... most of the time! I would be my friend if I were me. So maybe in a few years when it is time for our reunion and due to the fact that I have now opened that door, I might just go and I might just have fun!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Still around and kickin'

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.