Thursday, July 31, 2008

Feeling like a whiny baby!

and hating it! But I can't help it right now. I feel like crap! and I just want to lay down.

I have noticed my mood lately is either a big cry baby or I am pissed as hell. I am like mood swinging queen right now. I hate it! I hate it! I double hate it! (or maybe that is triple)

I feel like I am seriously fighting with myself. I keep thinking I should write about it (maybe a short story), call it the turmoil of a brain, or something cheesy like that. Maybe about how I can "hear" myself, the self I feel I am, in there somewhere but just barely because I have crazy me and angry me and wrapped up in herself me all fighting. And just so many other things that don't make sense.

I told my dad last night something like, "Well if you could hear what is going on in my head, you would know I am crazy." and I really believe that I am losing my mind.

And everyone keeps giving me well meant advise but what I need is for myself to get stronger and quiet the rest of the emotions and feelings in my head. Not so that I don't feel but so that I feel like me again. I know it will take some time, some rest and a lot of sorting it out as well as a lot of support, or at least as much as I can get.... Some people seem to be supporting me from as far away as possible. Some people just seem hell bent on keeping me down. And I am sure there are many more who are the same place as me.... "What can I do to help?" the answer..... I don't know.

If you got this far and still want to be my friend, woohoo! I will make you cookies or maybe a homemade ice cream sandwich. Or at least I will really appreciate it.... Thanks.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

What is that sound?!?!

oh it is just the sound of construction!!!!! Yes! My remodel is FINALLY under way. I will try to post some before/after pics later and along the way.

I am soooo excited for it to be starting now. I know it will be a tough few months as they work on it but the end result is going to be AWESOME!!!!!

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Happy Birthday to you....

I hope it is great!

Friday, July 25, 2008

To Goofball

I am crazy about you....

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Ya gotta have standards!!!

Call me shallow. Call me crazy BUT I think you have to have some standards when dating. Also I mean, hello there are millions of people in the world, how do you narrow it down?

I have certain "rules" or standards if you will about dating. I have tried to steer clear of dating guys with the same names as my dad or brothers or any of my cousins or uncles that I am close to. For the most part this has worked. I have dated a few with the same names and Goofball has the same name as one of my cousins but I am not as close to that cousin so it is okay.

Then since all women no matter what they say think about marriage (just that some are at different stages, but trust me guys to some degree ALL women think about it in some form.... I do but I also know I am not ready.... Not for years.... but I do hope some day in my future).... Anyway that was a bit off point.

This clip from Scrubs cracks me up because for one.... it is totally funny but two.... Well just watch it!

At any rate, that is another rule, ya gotta think about the last name because just in case, some day it could be yours. Right?

Then there are the preferences.... Me? I used to only be attracted to guys with blue eyes. Why? Because I wanted children with blue eyes. Well I have my children.... Then there is body type, I prefer that the guy be taller than me, at least just enough so I can wear heels sometimes. I am short so it isn't usually a problem. I like a guy with a nice chest, nice hands and a nice voice. Just some of the things that attract me.

But, I think the biggest and best advise I can give to women out there dating, just have standards and have low expectations as to where each relationship will go. Just me, you will be far less disappointed. Just enjoy each moment for that moment and try not to think about the future! (Yes again, marriage, I know! just don't start picking on rings and china patterns, okay?)

I just have been thinking that it seems like dating is harder or in our face more, what with all the online dating sites, reality shows to help people find love and all the talk shows about love, dating and relationships. Then what about all the books and hey blogs! I think it doesn't have to be so hard. Just know what you want, have standards, and keep your expectations low.... easy peezy lemon squeezy!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I miss my babies!!!!!

and tonight reality hit me hard in the heart. I just want them back, safe with me. I feel stupid, betrayed and lied to. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am back in that very controlling relationship where I can't do anything to help my children.

With the remodel starting this week, I can't bring them home yet. With construction people going to be coming in and out during the day, they can't be home alone. School starts at the end of August..... but even then, the remodel will still be going on. There is no good time right now.

I am just so sad. So miserable and feeling so stuck. I miss them. I hate hearing their sad voices and the tone of their voices is changed. I keep asking them "Are you okay?" They typically say yes but tonight a lot of the stuff came pouring out (separately). I told them they would be home soon and I missed and loved them.

It really just breaks the heart and turns on the mommy bear instinct. I want to tear someone up for the way they are treated. This is why I wanted a divorce but also why I stayed so long. I felt like I could "control" more of the behavior and support them more if I was in the same house. Now I am just at a loss. They are just too far for me to help them.

OMG.... I am going to cry. I am going to scream. I am going to throw things.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Good news, bad news

Okay so the bad news first.... I didn't get the new position but that is okay because really it is good news, in a way. I got really great feedback and was told that I interviewed great so really what more can I do. Nothing. Just try for another one later. When it is right, it will be right. I would love to just advance within my current department and/or develop my current position into more. Sooo in the end, I feel good.... so is this really bad news??

Anyway, the good news, the remodel is going to start next week!!!!! Hurray!!!! Of course I could turn this into bad news because ack, 2-3 mths of construction in my house. The kids will be back in a few weeks so we won't really even be half way through it. So in the end, is this good news? Yes! because soon I will have a brand new bedroom, bathroom, kitchen floor, roof and the boys' room will be done much nicer.

In other news, I am crazy for a guy. A very special guy. I call him Goofball. I can't wait to see him again soon.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Update and stuff

Hello. Thanks for the well wishes. I am feeling much better and we have a solution for now. We are going to take me off the Cymbalta (wean me off, not cold turkey, YIKES). We believe that I am having some of the more serious side effects. And while I know Wikipedia isn't always viewed as a credible source, I find this article very accurate in knowing many of the symptoms I have been having....

Anyway, I started taking 30 mg today and will continue this for a week and then no more.

Still no word on the job. Still not sure when the remodel will start. Not sure when I get my babies back. I have no idea on much, do I?

So that is that. Hopefully I will have some good blog entries posted soon. I have tons of notes and half things written, just haven't felt up to posting.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Health issues....

So for several weeks or so, I have been having some weird symptoms. But then on Thursday I started having seizures or ticks, I guess. I am not sure. The docs are calling them seizures or seizure-like. Thursday I was taken by ambulance to the ER but most of that was not just the seizure activity, I was so scared I had an anxiety attack with it.

Then on Friday I had these episodes almost continuously from 8:30 am until 1:00 pm. They were me out but I wasn't as scared about it. Not that I am not worried but at least not scared.

Soooo no answers but a lot of tests so far. I have a few more appointments this coming week so hopefully I will get an answer soon.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Exactly how I feel! (Writer's Block)

This is exactly how I feel right now with my writer's block. (BTW - Jen Lancaster ROCKS. Love her writing style) It isn't that the words aren't there, but I keep finding other things that get in the way of my just sitting my ass down and writing.

I went to Goofball's on Sunday and I got a ton of good writing done. None since. Durnit!

I think part of my problem is that I want it to be perfect the first time which logically I know isn't the case. That is why there are editors or I can be my own editor.... Sorta. I mean I would need a real one too but.... Ya know. Right?

Oh and did I not mention I was writing a book?? I have been inspired and really want to get my story down. Will anyone read it? Will anyone care? I don't know but I still want to write it out.

Anywho, writer's block.... it sucks.

So what's going on?

I am glad you asked. There seems to be a lot going on in my life right now.

The house remodel is a go-go! The contractor is working on getting the permits so we can start. I doubt it will be done before the kiddos get back but hopefully a large part of it is.

Then on Wednesday I interviewed for a new position at work. It just kind of happened! I wasn't even looking for a new one yet. At my company they are all about career development and encourage movement to new positions sooooo typically you don't stay in a position more than 18 mths - 2 yrs.... After 2 yrs, you should be looking and posting for a new position.

Anyway, I feel good about the interview. I did the best I could and that is all I can do. I know if I were to get the job, I would do a great job but if I don't, cool. I will just keep looking.... at least now I will. Because I realized I am ready to move on or up or over.... I want something different.

Well and really I guess that is it. I thought it was more. The more is really just unanswered questions and thoughts in my mind, I guess. There is a lot of projects/events and things going on at work too. I have an event on Monday, Tuesday and then the following Monday.... and I think on Thursday as well, the 17th?

Sooooo anyway, that's me. Just living the best I can. Enjoying time with Goofball. Enjoying time with my pup. Enjoying my quiet time and trying to rest a lot before the kiddos get back in about 5 weeks.... Wow!

Thursday, July 03, 2008

July 3, 2008

I have been a bit quiet lately. There has just been so much going on! Stuff I will try to blog about soon, but today is a special day. Today my ex got remarried to a wonderful lady. I have told her that I couldn't have picked a better step mom for my kids. She has said she will take care of them and keep communication open with me. We have a very special relationship and now that seems to have become more special.

I know it may seem weird to many but I think this is the best case scenario for us and I actually love it. I am very happy that I did reach out to her and start the friendship because it really has given so much back to me. She is amazing with my children. Us having a friendship has really helped my children too. K is far less dramatic and stressed over the divorce and the new people her parents' life's.

As hard as it was at first to see him so happy with someone else and to see someone else just full to bursting with love for him, I put that aside for my kids and I have been surprised that I am reaping some many benefits from it as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish them the best and hope many, many years of happiness for them.

Will I still hold some resentment over his "freedom" and ability to move on so quickly, and the fact he lives so far away and so many things? Yes I might but I feel it is normal to feel that way. I feel that way less often than I once did and now it is only when something major happens and I just really need that extra parent to be there. But I am getting through it and I know that my kids respect me for it. They know who is here everyday and that means a lot to me.

In fact today I asked my daughter to be strong, after all she is my daughter. She said I know, we are strong. and I just grinned and thought, yes ma'am we are.