Monday, July 27, 2009

Book Review: Parents who Cheat....

Title: Parents who Cheat: How Children and Adults are affected when their parents are unfaithful
Author: Ana Nogales, Ph.D. with Laura Golden Bellotti

I was asked to review this book by TLC Book Tours. If you aren't familiar, check them out!

My first impression was, "Well obviously negatively affected by their parents but also, who told them?" I realize there are many reasons that children are told or find out.... but still....

I don't think I have ever mentioned it before but.... I have had an affair. When it happened, I thought we were getting a divorce and he and I were not having sex.... but I did hide it and we were still married. We ended up staying married to and when I made the decision to stay with him, I had ended the affair weeks before then. Was it right? No. Do I regret it? No. But would I tell my children? No and thankfully they never had to find out.... either by my leaving to be with this other man, no babies were born, etc. So in our case, I didn't have to tell them and they will never know. We stayed together another 8 years and I wish I could say that I never thought about cheating again. I did. A LOT! I just never got what I needed out of the relationship. I also had a couple of "emotional" affairs, if you will. I emailed with old boyfriends or friends to get that verbal attention I needed. But I digress....

So anyway, I was interested to read this book for that reason.... also because like I said, Lisa at TLC Book Tours asked me to!

I thought the book was well written, well organized and she seemed to cover everything. It is like most self-books in that I feel you don't have to read it straight through or even completely to get what you need out of it. I found myself skipping to different parts of the book as I had a question about one topic or another.

I am not sure that I personally can use the information in the book but I am glad I read it. I would recommend it for anyone in this situation, either you were cheated on, you were the cheater or you are a child of infidelity.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Something missing from my life....???

I have always felt like something has always been missing from my life. Some people might argue that I am not missing something.... but I have always felt like this one person should be. I have never met this person and never will..... Who is it? A sister.... my sister.

I have felt this way since I can remember. I thought my baby brother would be a sister but alas.... she was a boy which made two little brothers for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers and I really wouldn't trade them! However, there is a very different relationship between a brother and sister than the one between sisters.

There have been times through my life that a sister would have really come in handy. And really while some people might not have a great relationship with their sister, and there is no guarantee that we would (if she existed), I think the way me and my brothers were raised, we would have been close.

I am pretty close with my youngest brother. So in a way, I have that close sibling but again, I just think a sister relationship, a female relationship with a sibling would be so different. We could talk differently than my brother and I do. We could do things like shopping, discuss children/babies, being pregnant, things like that. While my bro and I have discussed these things a little bit, it has its limits. He has never been pregnant or given birth. He doesn't know what it is like to date a guy or know what it is like to be hormonally crazy once a month. He isn't a big fan of shopping either.

I also think that if I had a sister, or I would hope, that maybe, just maybe we would live near each other. I have always believed that men more often than women, move away from family, at least their own family but they will live closer to the wife's family.

I really could have used a sister during my school days too. I really needed that "built in" friend. I had a really hard time getting through the years and I think (or at least day dream) that it would have been better with a sister in it.

Also our family was an odd numbered family. On family trips, my brothers could hang out and my parents had each other.... and I was odd man out. If there would have been four of us, well then I would have had someone.

I do have some great sister-in-laws but it really isn't the same. But alas, I do not have a sister and I never will.... so I just have to be thankfully for what I do have and I am!! :) (even if I will always miss having a sister)

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Trouble Sleeping

but not really falling asleep though it is taking a little longer than usual. It is more the staying asleep that is getting to me right now.

I don't know what the problem is but I have had sleep issues for a million years now. When I actually sleep through the night, it is a good night. And really the other sad thing is that I start sleeping really good about an hour before it is time to get up. So on the weekends (or days off) it works out great because as long as I have no where to go, I can just let myself sleep from about 4:30 am on.... until I get up.

Part of the trouble right now though, I do know. My kids are gone and for whatever reason I have trouble sleeping when they are gone. Another is I have like 50 million things on my mind. Work is like kicking my butt lately. I love it, don't get me wrong but sometimes I truly feel like I am drowning. I have also been doing the job for a long time. It is time for a move (within my current company).

It is one of the things I love about where I work. They encourage movement, career development and the like. Right now, like the rest of the employment world, there is nada in the way of new jobs. Those very few opportunities that do come up are snatched faster than anything.

So for now I hang on and just really try to work hard, stay motivated and learn as much as I can.....

.... without falling asleep...... :)

Happy dreams, peeps!

Monday, July 06, 2009

Busy, busy, busy!

This week is shaping up to be extremely busy at work. That is fine. Makes the days fly by or so I can hope, right?

One of my co-workers just lost his grandmother. She has been very sick and has fought like a champ, but alas she lost her battle. At least she is at peace now.

I already had my own long to-do list, now I have some of his. I don't mind, this is not a complaint. Just giving an idea of what my week will look like.

Then I got two free tickets to the Astros game on Friday night. I haven't seen a game (live) in years! They were in the Astrodome then.... I have never been to Minute Maid Park. Now I just need to find someone to go with me. :)

I got a lot done this weekend though I still feel like I have a ton of cleaning left to do. I got a lot of the clutter cleaned and that was the really important part! Still a few "hot spots" to clean but overall, much better. I feel lighter! Good feeling!

I did a bit for myself this weekend; like I mentioned below, I got a pedicure. First one in at least 3 yrs. Long overdue and much deserved. It felt good. I also bought a few things for myself and just got several errands checked off. Visited family and relaxed!!!

I think I am ready for my busy week. I love my job (though ready for some new challenges) and at least it keeps me busy!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Falling apart a little bit

I wasn't going to write this out until I got to talk to him but it doesn't look like I will get to any time soon.... and it is nearly killing me.

He is in pain. He is hurting. Lost, confused. Hell I don't even know what he is going through. I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive and just here. I don't want to fall apart out in the "open" where he can see it (he reads this blog and I am not going to hide my blog just so I can talk freely).... but it is time now not to just hold it in and be for him. I have to be for me some things too.

Not to take away from his situation at all, his feelings. But it is because of how he feels that I am a mess but not only because he seems so lost but also because he is gone.

I have never in my life felt for someone the way I feel for him (kids not included). I feel so complete when I am with him. Calm, safe. I have always felt guarded and like I needed to almost protect myself from other men. I had to be careful. Never was I abused physically but emotionally for sure. He isn't like that.

He is hands down the best man I have ever met. Smart, caring, thoughtful, respectful, funny and sexy as hell.

I love that he is out doing for him for a change. He absolutely deserves the time and needs it. But it is also extremely hard on me to have him gone. I am in tears nearly everyday. Cranky. Moody. I want to do for myself and I am trying. I got a pedicure.... the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I have gotten quite a bit done in the house but still have so much to do.

And damn it isn't like I see him everyday, but maybe a few times here and there, but he is so amazing that knowing I am missing time with him when life is so short anyway, well it is hard.

And all I can say is I am trying and wish for him some clarity, time for himself and that he knows I am here for him when he is ready.... no rushing, no pressure. I am strong enough to get through this.... I just have to let myself fall apart a little to keep it together.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Back when I was a new mommy

It has been a while since I was a first time mommy. It was actually just over 15 yrs ago. My little girl was born June 25.... she came two weeks early.

I was in the Navy at the time so I got 6 weeks maternity leave. Not too much but then I was a shining star, climbing the ladder type. So 6 wks was fine with me, except for one thing. I had to find child care for my precious baby. Okay... okay but my worry was she would know me as mom in name only. I was worried she would love another in that "mom/daughter" way.

Well that never happened and my fears were quickly put to rest the first time I picked her up and she smiled the hugest smile for me! Then the first time she giggled and reached for me.

Well 1 year ago today, my children got a new "mom" in their life. She had been in their life already for a year and that was a tough year for all of us. We were dealing with so many new emotions and feels. The kids were nervous to let me know they liked her. I was fighting back some jealous feelings, though not for him/her but for my kids. I didn't want them to love another "mom".... But it was too late, I liked her as soon as I met her. She is a nice, bubbly person. The kind that you can't help but seem to like.

As soon as I did meet her, I knew they were going to get married. I just could feel a vibe (I do that a lot).... So I started a friendship with her. Some may think it is weird but it works for us and I feel better about who my kids are spending time with. I trust her.... maybe even more than I trust my ex with them. Sad really.

Today is their 1 year anniversary and I am happy to have her as part of our weird little family. I couldn't ask for a better person to love my children and for them to think of in that mommy way.

I know they love me more than anyone else in the world.... :)

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

My bucket list....

So I have been thinking about this for years, even before the movie. But thinking about it is all I have done and I have wasted valuable time that I could be checking things off my list.

The big questions in my mind about it are do I put a date on it like my 40th or 50th bday or do I leave it open ended? What happens if I don't complete something or can't or what? What types of things do I put on it?

I know pretty much what I want to put on it. The typicals like travel, things to eat, sights to see, people to meet/see. I don't think I want to do much of the daredevil types of things but I am not ruling that out.

I think what I could say is that I want to get X stuff done by 40 (only 3 1/2 yrs) and then some other things by 50, etc.

But then what about the World we are living in, how is it going to change over the next 5, 10, 20 years? So should I leave some flexibility in it? Of course....

Do you have a bucket list?