Monday, June 23, 2008

The big birthday week

This week my oldest and youngest celebrate their bdays!!!! She will be 14 and he will be 6. Wow! When did this happen? They are getting so grown and I have no more babies. Though K did tell me when she was about 3 that she would always be my baby, no matter how old she was. Aw thanks baby.

It makes me a bit sad that they are away from me but..... that sounds whiny but not meant to be. I know that I am blessed to have them and I will have them back in just a few weeks (okay more like 5-6)....

Soooo Happy birthday to my two babies! I miss you very much (all three of you) and can't wait to see you all again soon. I hope you each have a great day. Maybe next year I will be able to kiss you both good morning on your special day!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Patience is my middle name

Most people think it is Jean but no, it is patience. I often joke that if I were a doctor I would be rich (patients - patience)..... Cheesy I know.

Anyway, I waited 8 years to get a divorce. I knew for 8 years it was over.... and yet I was patient and waited until the time was right.

I waited for far too long to get my new car. I was patiently waiting again, for the right time.

I waited months and 5 dates for a first kiss. I waited for several more months after that to admit to myself I was in love and then more than a year it took me to admit it to him. Again, the time had to be right....

I waited for the right time to get a dog. To go back to school. To get the right job. To buy a Wii.

I wait. I wait. I wait.

I do this with everything. I say I want to take risks but do I? No. I wait and hope and wish and talk and dream about things but I don't make them happen. I sometimes wish I had a little cricket to help me make decisions.

At any rate, I am patiently waiting for what is to come next thing. What is it? I don't know but I can be patient. I can wait.

After all, it is my name.....

Up, down and all around

My mood that is. One minute I'm up, one down and the next somewhere in between. I swear I have been on some emotional roller coaster and it sucks. Why oh why?

It is driving me crazy and actually hurting me physically. I feel insane. I hate this. Hate it!

I feel like crying. I hate crying. I mean don't get me wrong it is normal and natural but I still hate it. It is useless to cry for nothing you can fix or control.... but I guess it helps get the emotions out but still.....

I know I am not insane but it just feels that way.

I know I will feel better, how? when?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Having it all?

I realized something tonight but before I get to that let me tell you the back story on it.

I talked to the kiddos tonight and they were telling me about their dad and stepmom's new house. It is like "nana and grandpa's house".... That is wow to me. My parents live in a very upscale neighborhood and there house is very typical of the style right now. Two story, about 3000 sq ft, 4 bedrooms 2 and 1/2 bath, etc. Right? Except the ex's house has a game room too. Alrighty then.

So I was thinking about "Wow, well I guess they have it all." I then called my aunt to chat. She is my single mom role model even though she is now remarried but my cousin was grown before she got remarried and in fact, he walked her down the aisle. Anyway, so I was talking to her about how the ex now seems to have "this life" and have it all. She said, "yeah but is that really what you want?"

Hmmm? No, actually it really isn't what I want. I mean yeah I wouldn't turn down a new house, hello! I am not an idiot but wow. I am really not ready for that.

So what I thought of is just because he now has his soon-to-be new wife, new house, new car, two incomes and currently the kiddos. It is kinda like "The American Dream" so to speak, right? Isn't that what we grow up thinking the American Dream was about. Having all those things?

Well why does that have to be "having it all" to everyone. I feel like I actually do have it all, in many ways. I have more than many people so they may say I have it all. And ya know what, I feel like I do.

I mean I do have my kids most of the year for the good and the bad. I have a good job with a great company. I have a new car which I worked really hard to get and will never take for granted. I have support of my parents and other family members. I have my pup and my cats to snuggle with when I am sad. I have Goofball to make me laugh and tell me I am pretty even when I don't feel like I am. So I really do have it all, right? Just in my own way and own reality.

Sooo that is what I realized today. I am happy with my life and happy that I have it all. Is there more I want? Sure, a little more money, a little more house, a little less worry over paying bills, world peace and a vacation. But, I am content.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

She freakin' rocks!!!!

The kids went to stay with dad and the soon-to-be stepmom.... who to make this shorter will be referred to as either SM or stepmom because she almost is and it is shorter.

Anyway so I get an email this morning from her. She gives me an update on how the kids are doing and what they have all been up to. She took L to the library and got him a ton of books. He loves books but needs practice with his reading. So they are working on a reading log. Love her! Then she found out about a teen program at the library. Last night was creative writing and she took K up there. She said that she was proud of K for going because it was a big step to go somewhere new. K loves writing and I am sure she loved it! On Saturday there is a teen girls thing for a few hours of watching movies, girl talk and eating junk food. How fun!!!

Then she was going to take the kids swimming. She said the kids like the new house and haven't fought as much as they did in the apartment.

Anyway, I am so glad that I reached out to her to form this friendship as strange as it may be to some. It is really a good thing and she is awesome. It is also making it a little easier to be away from the kids this summer. I know what they are doing and I know that she is keeping them busy, and truly cares for them.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Milk and cookies

Nothing fixes problems quite like milk and warm cookies right out of the oven! Not to mention it is almost bed time. I know I will sleep good tonight!!!!

I am still feeling overwhelming, confused and like I screwed up which is stupid but I still feel that way.

I am mostly drained. I need him to hold me and tell me that things will be okay. He has become such an important person in my life and someone I just can't imagine giving up or losing.

But I don't regret the words I said or how I feel. Life is just too short not to share feelings with someone so that is why I said it. I haven't lost a lot of people in my life yet. Some that I did lose, I know or at least hope they know what they meant to me. I tell my kids a lot. In my family, we didn't grow up saying "I love you." but I do try to say it to my parents and grandmothers. I want to say it more but it is hard. With all the kids, I can. My nieces and nephews should all know how I feel about them.

But, I digress that isn't what this is about. What this is about is that I am starting to feel a bit better and I am sure I will continue to feel better as time goes by. I know how he feels about me and honestly that is all I expect or want from him. I understood the situation going into it and I still understand. I am not asking him to change and know he can't/won't. I like him so that's good!!! I wouldn't know what to do if he did change... ha, ha.... I am not trying to pressure him into anything else either.

So anyway, if you are down and feeling blue, bake some cookies and get some milk. It is comforting just like home.


I had a bit of a rough night and just need someone to talk to about it..... but then I don't want to talk about it either. It is too overwhelming and I actually rarely cry though I joke about it often.... I did cry a lot.

And, no nothing to do with the kids, not the ex, not work, nothing like that.

No what happened is something that isn't really bad but it feels like it. Something I thought I wouldn't do again, something I haven't felt in years and really never like this.

What is it that has me all tied in knots, crying my eyes out and just feeling horrible??

Oh just that I let myself fall in love but worse than that, I admitted it out loud to him knowing he didn't and can't return those feelings.... and before you all start saying mean things, its difficult. I understood going in and I took a risk, isn't that what all this is about anyway? Taking a leap of faith, taking risks and potentially getting hurt?

Anyway saying it out loud was what was overwhelming, letting myself actually feel it is overwhelming, knowing that he can't return those thoughts is overwhelming.... He does in his own way have some feelings for me and I understand that too.

I'll just enjoy what it is. I am glad that I said it, I just wasn't ready for the flood of emotion it would let out. I have been in love before or at least what I thought was love. This is different and I hope that he will accept that but know that I am not pressuring him for more than he is able and/or ready to give me. I just enjoy being with him and hope that I give him a little something to distract from his reality.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

Dale Jr wins!!! Losing streak over

He won!!!!!!! Woooohooo!!!!! He is awesome and I am soooo excited for him!!!!

Rock on, Dale Jr! You are awesome (and hot!).

Happy Father's Day to all the dads

Wishing you all a great day.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

..... and they are gone......

I have been pretty quiet the last several days because I have been trying to get the kiddos ready to go with their dad for the summer. Well today was the day!

I have a mix of feelings over it. Happy to sad to lost to scared and everywhere in between.

One thing that has me a little scared is how things are changing. See their dad and his girlfriend .... they are getting married this summer. We just told the kids today. K is pretty upset but I know she likes her. But K says she doesn't want a stepmom.

I like her myself and told her I couldn't have picked a better stepmom for my kids. She really is great. We have been talking for weeks and I have been giving her more of an idea of who my kids are. I don't think their dad really knows them anymore.... at least not like I do.

Not to mention they are a very cute couple and much, MUCH better suited to each other than he and I ever were so I am so thrilled for them (mostly her).

I guess we will see how they do after another long stay with them. Last summer they came back a bit of a mess so I hope they do better this year. The only thing I DON'T want to happen is for L to lose his first tooth with them. Silly I know but I am with him almost all year and I want to be there for his milestones..... I feel like I have earned and it is what I signed up for! The ex chose to move rather than be here for the day to day stuff. I'll deal of course but still....

Soooo my plan is just to chill out a lot. Have some quiet and downtime. I also want to spend some quality time with Goofball.... I am crazy about that man.

Enjoy your summer all!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

And he swims!

L had swim lessons the summer before last but because of the custody agreement, he is now with his dad during the summer. There are a few places here that offer year around swim lessons but mostly it is summer when they are offered.

Anywho so he has really not had a lot of practice and has been using a floaty ring. But this Spring I started trying to get him out of the ring. He is nearly six.

Well today we went to my parents' so the kids could swim and play with their cousins. L started out in the ring, then just walking around in the swallow end (he is tall enough to walk around about half the pool). Then he started putting his face in to the water, then most of his head, then all of his head and then he was actually going all the way under several inches. Then he was pushing off the bottom and gliding a little.

Then he got even more brave and started jumping into the pool. First with the floaty ring but after a couple of jumps, the rings was completely forgotten. He was jumping and jumping and actually going under water. He was having fun.

Soon he was back to practicing his gliding and before long was adding arms and legs.

He was SWIMMING!!!! I am soooo proud.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

The Birthday Party

So L's bday is this month but not until later in the month; however, since the kids will be with their dad for his bday and because I wanted to make sure his friends could come, I had it today!

I can't believe he is going to be six in a few months. 6, six, 6!!! When did that happen, this is my baby, my youngest.... and my last. I have really tried to enjoy each moment of it because I feel like the other two just grew up way too fast and he is following in that trend.

While, yes, I feel at times I take him (them) for granted. I do try to slow down and enjoy them all. And yes they do drive me crazy at times but never to the point that I can't get over it after a little downtime.

Anyway, back to the Bday party. He had a blast, I had a blast, my mom had a blast! Everyone did. We had it at a local pizza kid place and not the one with the mouse (or is he a rat?).... It was perfect. We had a room, a host, she played games with the kids. I brought a cake. They ate pizza, they had cake, presents were given and opened. Then we let them go to the game room to play. I drove a go-cart! I played air hockey with L and then my mom! The kids all played a ton of games and got lots of tickets.

I am so glad that I did it there! I am thrilled that it went well. Tons of great pics, tons of fun memories. Overall, good day.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Despite my happy....

My house is giving me twitches. It is TRASHED! It is one thing about the summer and not having the kids that I am looking forward to.... Having a CLEAN house! Does that make me a bad mom? Nope but they might think so. Other parents might understand and we could compare stories.

My daughter just came in here and I pointed to "hot spots"..... She shrugged and walked out. Probably sorry she came in.

My room used to be JUST MY ROOM! Now it seems like the kids are starting to take over, oh plus I now share the room with a dog. The most spoiled dog in the world! He has way too many toys. It is like Toys R Us for dogs around here. But it keeps him busy and we have had few (knock on wood) accidents.

My new couch is completely covered in crap.... End of the school year crap. Ya know, all that stuff from the lockers and desks that has just been there are year waiting for this moment. Half of erasers, teeny tiny pencils, wrappers from cereal bars that really could go in the trash but somehow just didn't make it, graded papers, ungraded papers that never made it to the teacher's desk, etc, etc, etc..... One cushion is off of the couch as well. Okay? Then how many people actually live in this house? 4! So why are there like 50 cups, plates and bowls all over. It looks like the morning after a Frat party.

So anyway, I sit here blogging instead of cleaning and not only am I sitting here blogging instead of cleaning, I am whining and complaining about my messy house instead of doing something about it.

Well ya know what I always say:

"If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

Monday, June 02, 2008

Happiness is a smiling dog!

I soooo wish I could have gotten a picture of Cowboy playing today! He was grinning the biggest grin. He was having a blast! We took him to the dog park and then to the kid park where there is a water park like thing. It is like sprinklers. He was just running and bouncing and grinning and just having a blast thinking he was a kid!

The dog park is an experience like nothing else in the world! Some people should not take their dogs to the dog park or maybe they should have started MUCH sooner so the dog gets used to it and how to act. My dog loves it and is friendly without being TOO friendly! and if he were a little kid, he would be running and giggling, yelling "Look at me! Mommy! Look at me!"

My kids had a blast too. I am so glad I got off my butt and took them all up there. And, see this is the meat of my post today. I am happy. I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. Oh don't get me wrong I haven't been miserable for a long time but I haven't felt this good about things in a long time.

I have been on a new med for about a month now and it has been GREAT! It is suppose to help with both my depression/anxiety issues and also my pain from my neck and back. Bingo! It worked for both. Treating one was so not working but now, awesome! I am actually happy. It is such a foreign concept to me.

I am more relaxed, in general, though the kids were pushing me on Sunday but that's okay, Goofball got me to relax after a bit. He always makes me smile, even when I don't want to.

But anyway, I have a lot going for me too, so not only do I feel G.R.E.A.T! I have a lot of great things going on. My kids, my favorite guy, my job, my NEW car, my special, special puppy and just so many things.

Anyway, just had to share the happiness with everyone! And yes, dogs do smile.