Saturday, May 31, 2008

Late, late... Always late!

I never used to be late. Never. When did this happen? When did I start to be late to EVERYTHING!!!!????

I know it has nothing to do with kids because I was fine until a few years ago. Do you think it is because there is only one parent/grown up in the house? Because I have to take care of everything AND get myself ready??

Yes that is probably it. I have no help and even though ALL my kids are old enough to get themselves ready, dressed, etc.... I still have to stay right on top of them and get them moving.

"Are you up?"
"Why aren't you up?"
"This is your last warning!!"
"Why don't you have anything to wear? I did all the laundry!"
"Too bad, wear those pants and no I don't care if you don't like them!"
"Does anyone in this house tell time besides me? Cuz we are late AGAIN!"

Right now we are suppose to be going to have lunch with my grandmother. We are only 40 mins late but I have already called to let her know that we are all running slow this morning.

And, yes this morning I am running on low to no energy, and yes I sit here not quite ready but before I blow a gasket! Nobody was getting ready but me so I was getting to the boiling point. I hate losing my temper it is such a waste and I hate fighting... again kind of a waste (though sometimes necessary-ish).

Okay so anyway now that everyone is waiting on me.... I better go.... Oh wait what is that noise?? Ack! The boys are fighting. It is going to be a long day.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Some news

I got a new car!!!!! That is right no more Big Green Monster!

I got a Saturn Vue. Sorry no pics right now. It is beautiful!!! I am so happy. Soo, soo happy. Most of my cars have been used. This is only my second new car.

In other news, I am heading to California tomorrow for work. I will be back on Friday. No computer from Tuesday until Friday when I get back.

Yikes!!!! How will I survive? No blogs. No message boards. No emails. No Goofball .... unless we somehow manage a call. Though I can check emails on my phone, it is a little hard to reply, not impossible just hard.

Soooo that's it from me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Good Mom Feeling

Last week I put my foot down with K. She goes to a youth group on Tuesdays. Well last week she had a project due and I usually let her go with the promise that she will finish up when she gets back. But that has bit me in the butt more times than I can count.

But not this time! I said, No. Period. You will stay here and do your project.

She yelled. She screamed. She did it half-assed in crayon and the biggest handwriting.

I sent her back for another try. After much fussing and fuming, she finally buckled down and did it. She was proud. I was happy. She got a good grade on it! When she told me that just a few minutes ago, I got goosebumps.... Why??? Because I was the mean mom and it finally paid off!

She even said, "I am glad you made me stay and do that project." I almost cried. Seriously folks. How did I get so lucky??? I mean we fight, we don't talk, she has been talking about moving to her dad's.... but at the end of the day, she really does appreciate me.

Monday, May 19, 2008

This week in blog history....

.... is when I first started my blog. It was actually on the 22nd but I thought I would post a few things pre-blogaversary.

Today it is a request to my lurkers. Give me a hi! I see you on sitemeter.... and while I don't know exactly who you are, I see some "regular" lurkers. I know that sometimes it is hard to relate to posts and make comments but this one here. Is just for a quick shout out.

How did you find me? How often do you read? (some I know you stop by daily) And then anything else you might want to share.

I have an average of 25 clicks a day (unique clicks that is). But I don't get nearly that many comments. Again, I don't expect daily comments but every once in a while, it would be nice to "hear" from you. It keeps me motivated! :)


In other news, I have to get a new car sooner rather than later. As in my car is acting up yet again. It was just in the shop a few weeks ago to the tune of $712. Before that it was back in October with a price tag of around $800. I cannot keep doing this every few months or so. I just can't. It is just one reason for my bad credit.

Speaking of which has me really concerned about getting a loan for a new car. Ack! Oh well, some people do it.... I guess I will just try it and see what happens. I plan to start my search outside of my research on the Internet, coming up on this Friday. I will see if I can get financing and if not, not sure what I will do. Sink more and more into this Tank. I just don't know. But it isn't an option any longer. I have put it off for too long waiting to get "back on track" or "get ahead".... Like I tell people who wait to have children until they are financial ready.... You never will be, just do it.

Okay than, car dealers..... Here I come!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Lack of friends discussion.... again....

Not sure what to say. I am feeling a bit depressed at the moment. Not sure if it is because I have been sick for a week now and haven't been sleeping well but tonight (or really early this morning), I am feeling particularly lonely.

And lately I have been thinking about friends a lot, again. I have talked about my lack of friends, or at least in the immediate area and my lack of.... gosh, I don't know. Just friends.

So yesterday K and I were talking about friends, and what makes a best friend. She said it was time she has known them is the first factor, then how they treat her, etc.

I have one friend that I rarely talk to that I have known since 5th grade. I give her the credit for teaching me all the bad words and how to use them. Love her! But sadly our life's just don't cross as much as I would like and she has expressed the same. She lives about 30-40 mins from me which might as well be on the other side of the world. She has 3 small children and I, of course, have mine. It is just kind of sad because when we have been able to get together, it is great, like time had not passed so much.

Then I have another friend. She is one I will always consider my best friend because she just gets me like nobody else ever has. K's middle name is for her. I haven't seen her in person since 2000.... How sad is that? I miss her a lot but have a funny way of showing it because I rarely email her anymore. I don't call. I don't text. I suck!!!! She is just the best person though and I know that if I need anything, I can just say the word and if possible, she does it. Usually I just need to talk because like I said, nobody gets me like her.

I also have another local friend who I used to share an office with in my first post-Navy job. I love her a lot!!! Our life's have taken different paths but we have tried to stay in touch. She is just a sweet person and I love having her in my life because I think in some ways she is so different from me and I admire her for that. But in others, we are so much alike. She has one little boy (just turned 2!!!) and a little girl on the way soon. She also lives about 30-40 mins from me. Hard to get together.

Then I have all my Internet Friends.... I just don't even have the words to describe what they mean to me. They have gotten me through some very tough times because they are always there. The Internet is never closed. It is on even in the middle of the night. There are select ones that I have been closer to at times than others and some I am not close to at all but I know that if I need a slap back to reality someone will do it or if I need a pick-me-up, they will do that too. We live all over and have been part of a group for over 6 years now. I would soooo be lost without them.

I would mention Goofball here but this is really about female friends. He is awesome despite the fact he wanted me to write about what an ass he is, just to see what the reaction is from my readers. Even if you can be an ass, you haven't been to me!!! (yet?) You are so amazingly sweet to me, more than any guy has ever been. I can't believe a person like you exists and that you are into me??? It just blows my mind to think about it. I have had some really crappy dating experiences, let me just tell you.

So back to the post......

I guess I have always been kinda a social butterfly in that I never really stay in one "group" or with one set of friends. I don't really get super close to any friend(s) for long and just kind of flit around. One person might fill my current need in my life and then another. I don't spend much time on the phone with people (except my mother and youngest brother). I don't have regular email chats with anyone besides Goofball. I guess it just isn't who I am to have just a long time friend that is just .... I don't know. I can't seem to express it and maybe that is why I don't have it and sometimes I think, am I really missing anything since I have never had this??? But then there are times like now that I feel that missing piece and wonder, should I try harder???

I like having friends but I guess I am not the all the time social type. I guess that is the way to say it.

I would rather hang out with my kids and my guy (oh and don't forget my dog). I would rather spend time with that one special person, that guy in my life and be happy with that. If we have friends around from time to time, awesome. I love to entertain or to go out with friends. But I just guess I am not the on the phone all the time, emailing daily, over each week, shopping pals kinda girl. It is great in spurts but that's it.....

Does that even make sense???? I will probably read this later today and say, What the heck was I talking about!!!!????

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The greatest love and the biggest heartbreaks

are caused by the same thing..... Kids. I love my kids so much and what I tell first time parents, you cannot believe how much you can love another person until you have a child. It is true. It is such a different kind of love. The kind that you just cannot describe, you just have to experience it.

When they give you that first "I know you" smile. When they walk to you for the first time, reach up for comfort, kiss you or say "I love you, mommy." for the first time. It is huge stuff. Huge love. True love. Parent to child love.....

With that comes the vulnerability to heartbreak that you cannot imagine. When your child first gets angry at you, or says "I hate you" for the first time. Heartbreaking.

Well my daughter knows my buttons more than anyone else. She can tear me in two.

Her latest is really nothing new and I honestly don't think it is coming from a mean place, or so I hope cuz that would suck. She is talking about moving in with her dad. She has done this before but after weeks of talking it out, discussing pros and cons, she came to the conclusion she was better her. Her dad agreed and I honestly think he was relieved not to have to deal with her except via phone and the occasional visit.

She is now talking about it again and saying it is best for me. What? No it isn't for me, it is for her. She is trying to runaway from things here. I know that, she knows that but she is using other excuses.

She will be in 9th grade this next year and because of this, the Junior High is being split up for High school. Half of her friends will go to the other HS and the others will be with her. I think rather than deal with this, she wants to run.

Also she and her brother don't always get along. Leaving is her solution. Siblings fight but I blame my ex for pitting them against each other over and over. He would compare them to each other, negative flaws to good traits. This has made them competitive beyond what you could imagine. It sucks.

Soooo anyway, I am trying to deal with this the best I can. Of course I won't stop her if she really feels like this is what she wants. I will also put my foot down that once she is up there, she cannot move back (if she wants to) until the end of the school year. Not in the middle, period. I must stay strong on that and even if she decides to stay another year, she cannot move back until the end of a school year.

It will be tough but it is the only way to stop the back and forth.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The bricks that surround me.....

My marriage was …. Well what was it? I hate to say unhappy because for a while it was great, aren’t they all (most)? But once the word divorce was said, it never really was the same. It lasted 8 years too long. There were control issues and self-esteem issues and child-rearing disagreements and religion, finance…. You name it, we didn’t agree on it. We are opposite and not in the “opposites attract” way. He called me selfish, fat, and evil. I called him names too, well mostly just a$$hole.

So slowly I built this brick wall around me during those last 8 years. And since the divorce, I have felt a lot more like me again. However, there are just things I don’t show people about me. By people I guess I mean Goofball. And yes I have been talking to and/or dating him since June 2006…. So why stay closed up so long?? I don’t know. I guess I still am carrying some of that baggage from being put down so much in my marriage and building that wall. I hate being called selfish and evil. Those are the worst names that someone could call me because I don’t feel like I am either.

Are there times I think about me first? Oh yeah, baby! You better believe it because who else is? Am I evil? I don’t even know what this means. Is it because I am typically pretty laid back but if you push certain buttons, I can just go off. I am kind of hard to get upset but once I do, it is a flash in the pan… I get really hot tempered and maybe mean but I get over it really quickly. A lot of times I can remember being mad or upset or hurt by something but have no idea what. I mean why hold on to that.

And yet I hold a lot of fear and lack self-esteem in showing myself but I feel like that is more to protect myself from being hurt.

Then again, is Goofball ready to see more of me?? I don’t know. I have given little bits up lately, here and there. He has made a few comments about it, nothing bad but it makes me hold back other things for now. My dating profile said I could be sarcastic so why the surprise? Not sure. Maybe because for soooo long he has only known me to be quiet, laidback, indecisive but never really seen more than that.

I guess in ways I feel like if he sees these things, he won’t like me anymore. My fear of the “put-downs” I was the “victim” to previously have me gun-shy. I haven’t really sung in front of him at all. I sing, normally, all the time. All.the.time. And, if he is a Goofball, I could almost be called Ms. Goofball because I get pretty silly sometimes. But does he know this??? Not really.

Anyway, I am slowly trying to knock down the bricks; just some of them are harder to knock down. I am sure he will like the rest of me but at the same time…. I just don’t know….

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Wishing the time away....

I hate when I do this. I guess in someways it is a human thing to do. Like we sometimes might say, "I can't wait until Christmas" or "I can't wait until my kids walk, talk, go to school.... " whatever.

But, time just flies. I had babies and then blinked and have teens. My baby is going to be in 1st grade next year and will not be going to day care anymore. And really life is short, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow so I do really try to enjoy today and most days I would say I do. I get to have special conversations, hugs and kisses. Snuggles on a Sunday morning, or in the evening when they had a bad day (or I did). I was just being stalked by a "ninja".... A rather cute ninja. I played a game of Yahtzee with my oldest son earlier and my daughter and I have been able to form a great relationship that I never had with my own mother.

However, I can't help but "wish" for the summer to be here, for them to be with their dad. I really need a break. This just wears on me. I get so tired between my breaks. If you have been a long time reader, you know he sees them only a few times a year, then the long summer visit.

And, I know I am not the only one that has my child(ren) alone most, or all the time. It is tough on this parent but also rewarding because we get the most time and memories with the kiddos. We know we are doing what is best for our child(ren). I love mine very much.

I know that once they are gone, I will miss them very much and be lost without them. I will not know what to do with myself in the evenings because I am so used to having the children to take care of. But, that's okay. I do need to recharge and I will have the puppy and cats to take care of still.

I just hate that I am wishing the time away... but again, I think it is normal. I think anyone would forgive me this one wish because they know that I do truly love my children and that I do try to do my best for them..... even if somedays I fall short.

Just about 3 weeks or so to go..... and then it is mom's time....

Thursday, May 08, 2008

More puppy love....

I am still very much in love with this boy here. He is still the coolest dog. I just look at him and can't believe he is mine, or maybe I am his... Who knows for sure?! Anyway, I just can't stop talking about him, thinking about him. He is so smart, so loving. He is good, oh so good. I have had a lot of dogs. I have had a lot of experience with dogs. This one is amazing! Everyone should have a dog this good.

And, if you are new to my blog, he is a boxer-husky mix. He is 4 months old now and weighs about 35lbs.

He is always so happy to see me when I get home and then likes to be near me. Right now he is sleeping, happily at my feet.

Anyway, I just had to share more pics of him because I found my cable and because he is too awesome not to share.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

"I have bad words stuck in my head"

These are the words my 5 year old said to me through tears after he heard me fighting with his father over the phone. Broke my heart I tell you. and hmmm, yeah I did say bad words. Hey I used to be a sailor, what can I say?

They haven't heard me fight with their father in a long time. We used to do it all the time when we were married. (something I hated but he would actually drag them into it)

I am not saying it is right that I fought with him in front of them (over the phone) but it happened and it was things that had to be said, for them and for me. He never takes what I say seriously. It is, again, issues of visitation. I realize he lives in Dallas and I live in Houston. I get that but for the record we were living here before he moved FROM HERE TO THERE! So who made the choice?

I told him things that I tell him all the time but I just keep hoping that if I say it enough or in different ways, that something will click and he will get it.

At any rate, I am not going to feel bad for what I said, just that I said it in front of the kids. L keeps reminding me that I said those words and that they are stuck in his head (then he announces they are gone, for now).

I am sure that won't be the last fight they overhear but I do try and will continue to try to keep it between he and I.