Sunday, November 26, 2006

Divorced People.....

I don't want to be one of those divorced people that married friends don't want to tell their problems to.... Ya know? They might think I will advise divorce over something as simple as not taking out the trash.

I'm not a bitter divorcee. It was, as I have said, long overdue. I only know my situation and my life. I cannot give advice to other but if asked I will share my experiences and thoughts only.

Several of my friends are having problems. Some rather serious that sound like they should really be seeking some serious help and at the very least finding out their rights with a lawyer because they may get blindsided by their spouse.

But, I don't know what to say to them. I just want to be supportive because that is how I am. Like a faithful dog.... True to the end.

I think most all marriages can be saved, heck even mine probably could have been but the key is both people have to be plugged in and working. We never were. It was always one of us or the other or even both unplugged, disengaged and not really wanting to work on it.

With that said, I want to give this one piece of advice to anyone who might be reading this and thinking, maybe me...... It was something I feel like I learned the hard way. When it is over, it is okay to give up. All too often, I noticed, that people would tell me, 'You just keep trying. Forever.' but ya know, that doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone is going to work it out and like I said about my marriage. We were done, there was no turning back for us. Neither of us were going to give anymore to it. And, that was okay.

Then there is the "Doing it for the kids" excuse. Yeah, I did that too. My kids seem better off now. They have days that are tough but I feel like they are much better off with two happy parents than two very unhappy ones.

There is never a good time for divorce so here is my final advice. Stay plugged in, try with all your might, respect each other, talk daily and above all, even its over, no regrets.

Hugs to all.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Well just dropping in with well wishes and happy thoughts. I am actually in a happy place for a change. For the past several, several years this time of years was just dread and regret (even me with my no regrets thinking).

But, this year, wow this year I want to feel it all, hear it all, see it all, smell it all and just live the holidays! Starting tomorrow with Thanksgiving.... parades and being with my family mostly. Oh there is food but I'm not completely excited about..... well I guess I am more excited now that K and I made the cranberry salad! It was fun. We don't have a food processor or blender or any electric gadget and my parents weren't home (They still haven't called me, what's up with that?! Am I on the naughty list or something?). So she and I sat with ancient hand choppers and smashed up two bags of cranberries. It was quite funny because I was doing two cups to her one.

Then H asked if I would make breakfast in the morning. Sure why not? Just something simple: scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. I will then make green bean casserole and mashed potatoes (or roasted, I still haven't decided).... and then we head to my parents' house.

I also plan to watch as many and as much of the parades as I can. I'm such a nerd for it!

I'm soooo ready to start decorating for Christmas too! I have already started listening to Christmas Music. Love it! Again, total nerd for it. I have around 190 songs on my computer (a few are duplicates that I need to delete but not many). I bought new lights for outside and a Santa to sit on the fireplace!

And, then as I reflect on my life at this point, I know I am slowly getting me back. I feel so good and I remember feeling like this years ago. I missed me. I'm glad I'm finding me again. I never want to feel that way again. If I am in a relationship again, I want someone that completes me and loves me for me, not who they think I should be and I don't want to change to be that person..... because that is a lonely place to be.

I am thankful and blessed and I just want to share that joy with everyone!!!

Soooo may your blessings be many, your joys be great and your plate be full.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Almost the day....

December 9. This was my wedding anniversary. Is wedding the right word? Ha, we didn't exactly have a ceremony. Justice of the Peace and only one witness that I sort of knew (his supervisor at the time) Not a picture, not a gown, no flowers, no family.... Oh well, at the time it was enough....

It is coming up and I am wondering how I will react on that day. Will I be a little down? Will I be happy? What?

Starting in around 1998, is when I feel like my troubles started. What happened? I don' t know. I just didn't think this was who I wanted to be with anymore. But each year after, our anniversary would come around and I would say, "Why am I wasting another year being unhappy?" I would be a bit depressed starting November and it would last through January, probably into February.

Why did I stay so long then? Scared mostly. I didn't want to be alone with the children because I just thought it would be too hard. Money too. I have never had a decent job that I felt could support me and the children. Okay wait that isn't completely true. I was in the Navy during this first period of "doubt".... I was in from 1992 - 2000, so really I had 2 yrs when the doubt was strong about staying to leaving and then I would have probably stayed in the Navy. Or maybe not and life would have taken a different path. (No regrets)

I guess in Fall 2004, I just realized I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. My unhappiness outweighed the fear of the unknown. I started getting scared but in a different way. I had to figure out how to get out of this situation as easily as possible for my anxiety issues.

I started seeing a counselor and he and I talked. Baby Steps (reminds me of "What about Bob?"). I would just focus on one thing at a time until I was divorced. I did it!

I talked to my now-ex and told him I couldn't stay in Fargo. I had to move back to Houston. So I did that. Then I got a job. I got a place to live. I got the kids enrolled in school. He moved here. Things got confusing for a while but soon we filed and well the rest is history....

So as I reflect this year, as the date of my anniversary approaches.... I just feel okay. Better than I have in years. Will it continue? Maybe. We shall see. :)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Unpacking the Baggage

This week I have been thinking about "baggage.” We all carry some thing but I want to reflect on what I think of as mine. Three bags in total. I think this is the number of serious relationships I have had. I have had other relationships but these are the three serious ones. The others were very casual or just flings.

So, anyway, from time to time, I like to unpack them to see what I have. See what I want to improve or what I want to discard and even what went right. All baggage isn't bad. Some is good.

The first and biggest is my marriage, just shy of 13 yrs. There is a lot of hurt, confusion and growth in this one. Whys? Hows? What could of, should have been? This was someone that was suppose to love me more than any other person did, yet I was treated pretty badly (and frankly after a while I did a lot of mistreating in return or maybe I started it, it doesn't matter it is a chicken or the egg type of thing). Not abused, at least not physically but emotional scars are there for sure. "I will divorce you if you get fat." "You are so fat; I'm going to divorce you if you don't lose weight" "Great you lost weight now you still have 30 lbs to go." I was told I couldn't clean right, couldn't drive right, didn't discipline the kids right, couldn't add, subtract. I wasn't to pay the bills because I didn't do it right. I spent too much money. He must see the receipts; I must justify everything I buy. Must justify my every move. It wasn't always like this, just the last 8 yrs. It should have ended in 1998 but in Sept 2006, it finally did. I still have many issues to deal with, a lot of me to get back but it is coming, and slowly I'm getting rid of things in this bag. I hope that one day it will just be just a small handbag of things; mostly the good memories of the first 5 yrs and some of the good ones from the last 8 and then a list of lessons learned that maybe I can use in a future relationship(s).

Then I guess the next one would be my first really serious boyfriend. I don't know if he still reads my blog but if so, Hi babe, hope you are well. Please email as I haven't heard from you in a while and I'm worried about you. Anyway, we started dating in Dec 1990/Jan 1991. We dated solid for 10 mths, and then off and on for another year-ish. In Aug/Sept 92, he left for college and I left for the Navy. That was pretty much the end of things. Oh, we talked a bit but slowly moved on. In my mind, there were many things left unsaid, things that I carried for years and years. It took a while (even into my marriage) to get over him completely. A few years ago, he emailed me through We "got real" and now my bag is smaller and free of all those things I never got to say. It felt so good to get it out and reunite with him. He has always been a great guy, a sounding board and someone I trust completely. Now where there was pain and hurt, there are only good memories and healing.

The last bag I carry is for someone who in many ways felt like a soul mate. He had this power over me. Not power exactly but I just loved him so much. He just had to look at me and I just knew life would be okay. It was during a time when my now ex and I were separated. Was it an affair or not? I don't know. But, I knew the first time I saw him that if given half a second of his time, we would be a couple. I wasn't sleeping with my husband and at least in my mind I had every intention of getting a divorce. However, in VA, you must be separated for 1 yr before you can file. Well the year came and went, and some how we decided to stay together. For me I was too scared to be a single mom and I only had two kids back then. And, anyway, that was the end of the relationship; actually, I guess it ended just before that. At any rate, I carry hurt and pain over the things left unsaid. (See a pattern?)

Back to my marriage, I don't feel like I left anything unsaid. This is the one that I can honestly say that I am over and moved on from very quickly. With the first, I would say it took a good 5 yrs to get completely over him. And, with the other guy, it took at least 3 - 4 years to get to a point where I could think of him and breathe normally and not have a deep aching feeling.

But, ya know, all this baggage has made me stronger. Now after my marriage has ended and I reflect on my two other serious relationships, I think, I don't want to have things left unsaid. I want to also take risks and not look back at what should have, could have been. I want to have someone love me completely, someone treat me well and someone who I can treat and love the same. But, to get there, you must take risks, put yourself out there and sometimes say how you feel and not hold back. It is a gamble, a leap of faith in the other person…. Am I ready for that? I don’t know yet.

But at any rate, my “battle cry” No holding back. No words left unsaid. Take risks. Get real. No regrets, baby!! It’s the only way to live.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

5 Things I want to blog about

I haven't had a lot of time for blogging so I am stealing this idea from another blogger.

These are some topics I want to blog about but haven't had time.

1. Dating: Still talking to that guy, the one I like to call goofball. It is nice and seems to be going well. But, it leads to my next topic.

2. Sharing too much and/or holding back: How much to share and how much to hold back is such a hard thing to decide. He and I are still casual so I have probably held back more than I normally would and really it seems okay..... but I feel the need to share more.... I guess when the time is right.

3. Neglecting my kids: I know I'm not but I sometimes feel like it. Just gotta get through school.

4. Friends and friendship: I have wanted to write about friends and how friendship develop. Maybe I will get to write that soon too.

5. Work/School: I need to make a decision about my future and career.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Feeling Way Too Damn Good

Well I don't know what has gotten into me lately but I am feeling sooo good. I notice that I walk around with a smile and people are really reacting to me with smiles and hellos. I made an appt for myself today for something that I have wanted to do for a long.... get a brazilian wax. Hurray! I am meeting a friend afterwards and we are going for pedicures and manicures! I'm just really excited about that.

Now if only I could get motivated to work out and eat better. ha! Actually I am working on that, I just want to be more into it and actually reach my goals.

At any rate, I am feeling good and it shows. Everyone is commenting on it and it feels good!

I finally feel in control of my life and my happiness. What a great change!