Saturday, April 26, 2008

Just my life....

I feel like all I do is complain but really I am just processing, talking it out and/or telling the story of me. This is just my life. I hate to complain because I really do have a good life. I have great kids, a house, an awesome puppy and just on and on.... but my life is just a bit crazy and it wears on me.

I don't know if it is just being a single parent or if it is just the way I have run my life. I think not having a partner does contribute to some of my issues and some is just .... well just life.

I don't sleep well because of the kids and the puppy. Though they are all actually good, it is just the circumstance of having the two. The puppy sleeps pretty well at night and doesn't need to go out, but if one of the kids wakes up, then he thinks it is time to get up. Given my children's sleeping habits, there is almost always someone awake. K is a night owl so she typically goes to sleep after me. I don't really mind so much as long as she is quiet, doesn't bother me and wakes for me in the mornings. H is a morning bird. Getting up before most birds that is. He goes to bed early too. Again, as long as he is quiet. L is somewhere in between the two. I think because of his age, he still sleeps a lot. I think as he gets older, he will be a night owl too. It seems to be his thing. But with him, he stills wakes most nights because he has nightmares, hears a noise or whatever.

With this, there is almost always someone awake and even though the two older ones try to be quiet and not disturb me, but L is still too young and needs me at night sometimes. Therefore, I spend time settling him, settling the puppy and really no matter how quiet the other two are, my house is small and any noise wakes the puppy. Plus the only bathroom is connected to my bedroom, meaning if anyone goes to the bathroom at night, it wakes me and Cowboy.

Hopefully and most likely, once the house remodel is done (if it happens), it will make my nights sooooo much better.

With that said, my doctor seems concerned that I don't sleep well but like I told her yesterday, it is just my life right now. I realize I need to sleep more but at the moment life is what it is. I can complain about it or I can just deal and get sleep when I can.

It means that currently I walk around like a zombie and my house isn't as clean as I would like, I'm not as active as I would like and I just don't think I am as much fun!

But more than that, I feel like I am always running kids around, my life during the week feels so unorganized and my life just feels that way.

I haven't really cooked a dinner in so long, at least one that took any time or more than a few ingredients to make. It has to be simple or it is pizza or burgers delivered or drive-thru. It sucks and when my doctor asked about my appetite and interest in food, I was less than enthusiastic about it. Food just has lost much of its appeal. It is a shame because I think food should be something enjoyed, not just a need. I mean what a shame! Why waste calories on something that you don't want to eat or doesn't taste good to you? Life is too short to not enjoy it and there are too many good things to eat. With that said, balance, moderation for things that are just really bad for you and there are very healthy foods that are amazing to eat!

Soo anyway, my life is what it is and I wouldn't change much of it.... I just want some peace and rest in it. I want to get back to cooking for my kids. I want to feel organized and healthy.

Anyway, I am on a new med now. Was on Zoloft, now trying Cymbalta. This is to help with the aches and pains I feel daily. I think if I can get some of this pain under control some of the other will be a lot more bearable.

I love my kids. I love my dog. I love my life..... Also I really appreciate one special person in it. He makes me smile even when I don't feel like it. He makes me happy and feel important, even when the rest of my life doesn't. I just want to say thank you to him.... and he knows who he is.

And that is just my life. :)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

*Catchy title here*

For the last several nights, I haven't been sleeping well again. That is fine, I am going to the doc on Friday. I am thinking a meds change is in order again.... I won't even tell you all the weird thoughts I have been having.... AGAIN. It is scary.

But, because I am not sleeping well, meaning waking several times a night, my brain is working at odd hours. So for the last two nights, I have in my mind written the best blog entries EVER! Seriously. I was thinking "Wow this will get some great discussions going. I will get lots of comments. People will link to me"..... Hmm what were the ideas, the words, topics.....???

I have no idea!

Normally, I would have written it down or even gotten on the computer and typed it up! But I fell back asleep before I could. I am so disappointed.

I keep wondering if it was a dream but it happened in that half awake/half asleep moment. You know when you are kind of floating, drifting but still aware of things around you and the brain is still working very clearly.

Soooo I am sorry if you came here thinking I had written this very profound, "aha" post that would just set the world on fire! Maybe tonight I will have the energy to write it down before it is lost forever.

****Oh and one last thought, do you ever just look back at your life and say "Wow!" In thinking back on the last couple of years, I am definitely thinking that.****

Sunday, April 20, 2008

My totally weird weekend (and it isn't over yet)

It started on Friday. I got to see Goofball Friday night. I don't think I have EVER seen him on a Friday night. We have schedule issues so this was a great surprise! Wait, surprise? That might not be the right word there but ya know.... it was great! We had planned to go out but my kids were tooo hyper to be left. So we just hung out. K who usually does not like having him around too much said she had fun and she even said "...and I didn't think I would."

Why were the kids so hyper you might wonder? There dad came to visit this weekend.

K had a drama competition yesterday at her school. He and the girlfriend came down to watch. This worked out GREAT! Because I got to help out at the school which was awesome. I was a judge. The kids were so cute and some of them have some really talent at acting. I judged all day! K had events all day but I didn't get to see any of them but got to see her between events.

And you may be wondering about my ex and his girlfriend. Some funny things happened, like at one point he asked me, "What was that look for?" I said innocently, "What look? I'm not married to you any more.... I don't give you looks." His girlfriend who I think I love (ha, ha), started cracking up. She loved it. We have gotten to be really good friends thus far.

So then after the drama thing, somehow I ended up with an extra kid. One of K's friends was spend the night. I think they knew I was weak from lack of food and fatigue of the day.... Just kidding! I love this girl so I am glad to have her over.

Well the ex and his GF were going to take the kids out to dinner but we had one problem. They don't have a car big enough so I was asked along. So me, my three, K's friend, the ex and his GF enjoyed dinner ON HIM!!!! Ha, ha! Thanks.

But, before dinner we were hanging out here at my house. The GF and I were hanging out in my room talking about .... well everything. Then we started looking through old pics of the kids. Then after dinner she rode with me and the girls back to my house. We all sang the whole way. That was fun!

But, the best part of the whole thing was the look of worry on the ex's face as his GF and his ex-wife shared secrets, shared new inside jokes and shared a ride home. Priceless!!!!!

They are here now and I haven't gone out to say anything yet. I had a rough night. Poor Cowboy was in his crate longer than usual yesterday and had I any foresight at all, I would have asked my mom to come over just after lunch to let him out for a few mins or so. Anyway, he was NOT tired so he played with his toys, tried to play with me and paced a lot!

I guess I better get out there....

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Must be nice

I am so angry tonight. My ex isn't able to watch the kids at the end of May for me so I can go on a business trip.

And, yeah before you say anything a father should NOT have to WATCH his own kids but basically that is what it boils down too.

I guess I am more disappointed. I really want to further my career. Being able to travel without worrying about the kids.

Now don't get me wrong I love my kids and I am so glad that I am with them everyday. I really wouldn't trade them for a better career (I have a pretty fab job actually).

I guess it is just a bit of the grass is greener or maybe I just thought once divorced we would have a "normal" custody schedule. I really guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from him. He was really not as involved a father as I thought one should be. He has his way and I guess in ways I just have to forgive that and just do the best for me and the kids. They see what I do daily and they know. The two older ones tell me.

But still.... Ya know?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Some of my worst fears

We all have things that we are afraid of. I think most of our worst fears are things we can't control them. I think that is why they are our worst fears.

Most of mine are pretty typical. Anything involving my kids being hurt, lost or just any thing I can't protect them from. Not being able to take care of them, feed them, etc.... Having them taken away is another.

Being trapped in an elevator. This just happened to a co-worker on Monday. Yikes! I need to start taking the stairs.

Being bit by a spider! Yes seriously.

Being attacked by a dog. Having one of my children attacked by a dog. Having my dog or one of my cats attacked by a dog. I am a huge dog person. Love them but some people shouldn't have dogs.

And my worst fear, the one that I was afraid would come true last night..... Dying. Well okay that is a bit dramatic but let me explain. I woke up choking on my own vomit. Gross huh!? So I spent most of the night puking my guts out. But what scared me the most was I kept getting really choked. It was like some was going into my lungs, why? I don't know. I almost called my parents to come over. If something did happen to me, I don't want the kids to be the ones to find me/handle calling for help. Ya know?

Today I stayed home from work. I had only planned to sleep a bit and then go into work but I slept until almost 1:00.... woke up still feeling queasy. Shaky. Crappy. and well a bit scared too.

This morning after I called work, I called my mom. I always call her when I am sick because like I said, I don't want the kids to have to deal with me if something happens. I know dramatic! But I am a planner too.

Soooo anyway, still feeling a bit queasy and icky but hoping that I just don't puke again. That is like hell for me!

What are your worst fears? Especially the silly ones.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Volunteering at school and some ex stuff

Once upon a time, I used to be an involved parent. I sent in things to class, to the teacher, volunteered to help at parties, field trips, etc.....

Those days are long gone or so I thought.

I have started trying to volunteer more at the schools. Well so far just K's school. But since it is working out well, I am hoping that soon I can start doing it with the boys' schools.

Anyway, K has gotten involved in Drama and it is the perfect activity for her. I love helping out too. So far just one play but it was fun. It was soooo fun!

This Saturday I am helping to judge a drama competition. I cannot wait! How much fun will that be?!?! Oh I will be tired but it will be a blast.

Worst part of the weekend will be the ex being here. He is coming in for K's drama thing. He said they (being he and his gf) will come down for the day. They just couldn't stay overnight or long because of her dogs. Hmmm, fine, why does she have to come?? Or why can't someone watch the dogs? I mean hello I am always inconvenienced with kid stuff and finding care and I have two cats and a dog now. Yeah it sucks but he never has to be inconvenienced like I do. Of course I am not complaining, I'm just saying.

Anyway, to make it easier and because my common sense was left in California, I said if they needed to bring the dogs, they (the dogs) could stay overnight here to make it easier. I am doing it for my kids, not for him. And I honestly have no problem with his girlfriend, honestly don't. But, sometimes I just get soooo frustrated! Why can't he just be a dad rather than a boyfriend? Ack!

So he and I had a long discussion about custody. Basically it ended up with me just whining, bitching and venting, and him, yet again, not taking my feelings seriously. He just blows it off as me needing to air my feelings. Well yes but it is based on my real feelings.

Well whatever, I am happy with my choices with the kids, with my life. I have no regrets at this point and really, isn't that what matters? I hope he can say the same at the end of all this....

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Home sweet home

I am back from my work trip. Did you miss me!??!

It was a successful trip! We had a big recruiting event and it was good. It was great. We had just few hiccups that were super easy to fix. Nothing major and nothing that was in our power. Interviewers and departments wanted to change rooms, interviewers and add interviews. So it was fine. Easy peezy and I was not nearly as tired or drained as I normally am after these. I got to talk with many of the candidates which is both good and bad. I actually get to liking them and then it is a bit heartbreaking (for lack of a better word), when they do not get picked up. We have just a few openings and we had a ton of great, great candidates this time.

Tuesday will suck because of it. Tuesday is our selection meeting. Then I have to send out the decline letters.

But, I did get to see some of our success stories from past events. See this was my first trip to our headquarters and so I haven't gotten to meet many of the people I helped get hired. It was awesome to meet them and they were just like "Wow, you remember me" (meaning their name).

In fact, one candidate had come to a visit that I was able to attend last year in New Orleans. I remembered him but sadly he wasn't selected. When he was on campus in the Fall, the campus team asked me about him because they saw he came to the other event. The concern is "Why wasn't he picked up?" I said that it was just bad timing and he was a great candidate that we would be crazy not to look at him further. He got an offer after that! I was soooo happy for him! I have no idea why. It is like I know him but I just have this sense about some people and I thought he would be good employee for us. Anyway I got to talk to him and he was just so surprised that I remembered him so I was telling them how I see their names over and over, that once they come, I just have to put the name to the face...then I see their names over and over because I am in HR.

Sooooo anyway, good event. I love my job. Can you tell??? I love working with the college kids and I love doing these events. No matter how tired they make me normally.

Then the kids did well. They stayed with my parents. The puppy stayed with them too. My mom just kept saying what a good puppy he is. So smart and obedient. He walks well on a leash, etc. Is it bad that I missed him a teeny, tiny bit more than the kids? Don't get me wrong I missed them like crazy but..... well....

And just for Margaret, I am going to add some video of him soon. Just not ready with it yet. Maybe for Wordless Wednesday.

That's it from here. I had hoped to write while gone but I didn't have a lot of internet time. I do plan to write something almost everyday still. So fingers crossed, I will keep it up now that things are back to normal.

Now off to get caught up on blogs!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

A wow night

I just want to remember this night.... it was an amazing night and I just wanted to get the date down.

See I do remember things but I have to leave myself little reminders. One day I will look back at this entry and not remembering exactly why I wrote this and then it will hit me.

Oh yes, it was a great night. a wow night.

Taking a break but....

Not from blogging, just from all the things keeping me from blogging for the last several days.

K has been a part of a play at school. I was really happy that she was part of it.... running crew which if you don't know means that she helped back stage and when there were scene changes, she was part of that.

Last night was the last performance and I helped out back stage too. It was a blast! The kids were fun and it was great to be around the other parents because I almost never get to do stuff like that. I always have the other kids to take care of so if I want to do something for one, I have to have the other two in tow. It makes it near impossible to do anything this way because in this case, it was K who had something going on so it was the boys left out. Well I tried to go help with set building and they were WILD so I had to leave. They were actually jumping off the stage, crawling around in the seats, running all over. They have no will power to stop and punishment does not work.

But, I did get to help a little and that was good for me. I hope that K stays with Drama and next time tries out for a part in the play because she would be sooo good. She had most every one's lines memorizes and had the acting of each down pretty well too.

So I am also getting ready for a big event at work. We travel this week to California for it. I am excited because this will be my first trip to our California office but this is not my first event like this so I am not worried in the least about this event. I am just excited about the trip!

This will be the first time I leave Cowboy. I am sure he will be perfectly fine but I know I will miss him terribly. In a week's time, he will probably grow so much! He is still a great dog. Soooo smart, I am just amazed. Very, very soon he will be going to puppy classes and then we will be on the road to advanced obedience classes. I really want him to do everything and anything. I am just so glad I waited to get a dog and I am really glad that I got him.... I took my time and did research and talked to breeders, rescue groups and others. When all was said and done, I got the best dog for us.

Anywho, I am hoping to blog while on my trip. I am taking both my work laptop and personal one. I just don't' know how busy we will be and if we will have to work late or not.

Sooo anyway that is me for now.... and the kiddos have found me so I have to stop hiding!