Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Did you know.... Shift Happens

Something they showed in a meeting today as we gear up for our College Recruiting.

Monday, July 30, 2007

A case of the Mondays

Do you just wake up and think, this day is going to suck?

I almost never actually think that, and I didn't today either. While I do whine and complain sometimes, overall I see the glass as half full. I look at things mostly through Rose colored glasses and fully believe that I live under a rock. I hate conflict and drama and all things change. I like things to be even and steady, no surprises.

So my weekend started out great. I went over to my parents for a bit. Hung out. Got free dinner. Always a good thing.

Get home.... check my work blackberry..... WTF? I forgot to do something big! I didn't order catering for an Intern Event we had in our California office for the night before. And why did it take you all day Friday to tell me???? Not that I could have done anything about it but now I have to think about it all weekend.

The rest of the weekend was fine. Just didn't sleep much Saturday because I slept over at my parents so doggie sit for them. Hard to sleep in a "strange" place.

Sunday night was the highlight of my weekend and really my week, always.

Then Monday morning rolled around. I woke up with the worst headache ever. Not from a hang over, you have to actually drink alcohol for that, right? No just sinus pressure and maybe a little dread over the day.

I had to sit through Intern End-of-Summer Presentations, which actually I like. It is one thing I truly look forward to with the Summer Intern program. But, it meant being out of my office pretty much all day.

So I get there thinking that my worst problem would be that the room we were using for the presentations might not have a telephone for dialing in to the conference bridge that I had set up so that anyone that couldn't make it to the presentations in person could hear them and there is a link so they can view them (Meetingplace is the coolest thing).....

Well I get there. Telephone. Oh perfect. Oh look a microphone too, hadn't thought about that. Double perfect. Oh this is going to be GREAT!

Well it was time to get started so I dial up the meeting..... "This is not a recognized ID. Please try again." WTF? Are you kidding me? Okay don't panic, maybe you dialed wrong. Try again, smiling still. No dice. Crap, crap, crap..... Come to find out somehow my meeting got canceled in the system. How? I don't know. Usually I would get something, but nada.

From there things just got worse and worse. It was like Murphy's law.

But, ya know, none of the problems were in my control. I just had to laugh them each off. I survived. The presentations, themselves, were awesome. The Interns really rocked them out. Great, great job all of them! I thanked them for being flexible with the changes and problems. Thanked the managers, supervisors, mentors and co-workers that came out to listen.

Then I went back to my office. I got very little actually done.

But, the one thing I needed to do, check the phone bridges for all the rest of the Intern Presentations days (6 more days worth) worked. According to the Helpdesk, they are all present and accounted for. So crossing fingers that we don't have a repeat. I changed a few of the other problems we had (not enough food, not enough drinks, forgot to have a timekeeper)..... and then hope that the other problems don't come up either.

Soon the summer will be over. We will be back to College Recruiting and the Summer Intern program for 2007 will fade and the 2008 season will look so far away!

I can't wait!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

That kiss

Have you ever had that one just amazing kiss (or kissing session) that just sends chills through your body and you can barely hold yourself up so you just completely lean on him and you can feel it through your whole body from your head to your toes and for days after when you think about it your stomach gets that butterfly feeling and you get all warm and maybe a little giddy over it?

It has been a really, really, REALLY long time for me. So long in fact I can't even remember..... Maybe it was that first serious boyfriend that I mention sometimes, JJ. But, I don't think my ex-h and I ever had something like this..... and JD.... well really that was all lust so maybe, but I can barely remember what he looks like let alone what kissing was like.

But very recently I had the most amazing kiss(es). Like the kind I described. Just amazing. Still thinking about it. Hoping for a repeat.... or maybe something even better. Because I will admit that each time I see him and each time we kiss, it is just better than the last time. And, sex, well wow. After kissing like that sex is amazing because I already feel that all over sensation....... (sigh)......

So ya want to know a little secret. I never used to like guys to touch my face or near my face (like on the sides of my head) when kissing me...... though I have always like hands on the back of my head in my hair (I love having people touch my hair)...... However, now, I love having my my face touched, my hair touched.... just all over while kissing especially.

Gives me the chills again just thinking about it.

So anyway, just something I wanted to share because I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I don't always share everything but this, this had to be shared.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Alone versus Lonely

and yes there is a big difference!

Having just spent a lot of time being in both of these modes, I will just discuss from my view.

You can be lonely and still be with other people, but you really can't be alone with people around. Lonely is more of a feeling or maybe an emotion. While alone is a place or maybe a state of being.... as in you are the only one around.

Now I don't mind being alone. It really is a good thing. Everyone should have some private time. Time to themselves. Time with their thoughts. When I do have my kids, I do enjoy some quiet alone time. And even now with them gone, I have enjoyed some of my alone time. It is a very good thing.

However, being lonely.... well that just down right sucks ass! I hate feeling lonely. It makes me depressed or maybe I feel depressed sometimes because I'm lonely? (Interesting).

Like I have said, my kids aren't here. They have been gone for the summer. While they have been gone, I have been in a room full of people that love and care about me, but yet there was this huge lonely feeling. My babies weren't there. I'm very lucky though because I know I'm blessed.... just a few weeks and they will be back.

Then there is the single thing. First of all my marriage was nothing more than a legal bond between two people.... at least for most of it. There was some feelings and yeah I have love for him even now... We had history and memories, and I have known him about 14 yrs now. We have three kids together that we share many memories with. But, I was always very, very lonely in my marriage. There was little emotional connection. Happy couples have that emotional connection.

So I don't like being lonely. And, now that I am single and dating, yeah I am looking to fill that lonely void. I don't want to be lonely. I don't think many people do.... some? Yeah maybe.... so what are most single people looking for, you got it right and its no big mystery.... They want someone to be with so they aren't lonely.

The sad thing in my eyes is this. You can be lonely and be with someone. Some people just confuse being alone a lot with being lonely. I guess they think, if they are with someone else (not alone) then that equals not being lonely. Well I hate to burst that bubble, but it is very possible to being with someone and be lonely. I know that from first hand experience, as I mentioned.

Anyway, just my opinion... :)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

To keep or not to keep that is the question

So I have never gotten around to going through my pictures to purge the ex from them. But, with kids, can I really do that? I mean I can get rid of the pics of just him, right? But what of the ones with him and the kids?? I should keep them for them, yes? And, what about pictures with the ex in-laws and the kids, keep too?

I mean some of this is really easy. I am making a stack of throw out and a stack of things he might want....I guess the plan is to go through and give him anything with him solo, then on things I have double on, give him the copy and keep one.

13 yrs of memories.... okay well maybe just the first 8, then we used digital exclusively.... so I have already taken care of the digital photos!

Bday cards, anniversary cards and everything in between. Wow!!!

Stacks and Stacks of pictures! Thank goodness for digital!

Maybe when I get organized I will share a few of the really good pics of the kids! And maybe even some of me! ;)

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Typically I look at these as for fun! But do you ever read it and just on that day, at that moment the horoscope writer just got really lucky and wrote exactly what you needed to hear or it spoke directly to your life on that day....

Yeah that happens to me from time to time. How do you feel about it?

Here is mine today:

Overview: Are you having a case of cold hands and warm heart -- or just the opposite? Whatever the symptoms, you're feeling one way but thinking another. It's a good idea to give yourself a timeout until you're more in sync.

And, to answer your question, yes I am crazy. I have never claimed to be otherwise. :)

Sunday, July 15, 2007


I may have mentioned a few (hundred) times that I can't stand spiders. I may have also mentioned that I have be seeing them everywhere! (Jenny at least your squid are in the ocean not your car, house or yard.... *shutter*)

Well last night I had the Granddaddy of all the in my house last night!!!!! It was huge for a "house" spider. I haven't had bananas imported in from South America or anything so where did Spiderzilla come from!??

I don't know and no I don't have a picture of it! Though he is in my vacuum cleaner right now, dead, thanks to my cats! I forgive their bad behavior lately for killing it. Good kitties!

They got a nice treat from me this morning.

All the world's a stage.

Yesterday I went to a baby shower for my cousin's wife. So what is she my cousin-in-law? Anyway, sweet and very cute couple! He wasn't there but to hear her talk about my baby cousin, it was cute. They are having their first and its a little girl. Sweet.

So I have four male cousins on my dad's side of the family. This was just one of them. All are fairly newly married couples. L&M have been married since 2004 but live in Cali so we don't see them much. Then there is J&J, they are the ones having the new baby. They were married in 2005. Then M&L married just this April.... and lastly, M&A married in June of this year.

They are all like those perfect couples. They did the away from home college thing, got professional jobs making good money. Got engaged, bought the house and now, at least J&J (the oldest of my cousins at just 30) are starting their family.

They are living that "American Dream" or whatever. Like this is the way you do it..... "Step 1.... Step 2...."

This is sooo not how my life has ever gone and sometimes it makes me upset. Not for any other reason than I thought my life was suppose to be like theirs. It is kinda like when you see Super Models in mags and you think this is how real women look. If that is the case then why is my size always sold out at the stores?

I just remind myself that life is not a script to be followed. Yeah all the world's a stage and we are merely players (Thanks Shakespeare, this is not the exact quote); however, it doesn't mean we have to follow the same script. We can improvise a bit, right?

I just have moments that I need to realize this and I do sometimes envy them their life's but that is their life, their choice. My choice was this: Go to college, hate it, go in the Navy, love it. Find my husband (now ex) in just a week... get pg, get married (yes in that order). Fight my way through the first year, have another baby 19 mths later....... well and you know the rest, I think.

Anyway, it ended but that doesn't mean that my life has ended. Hell no! Just because life isn't the way I thought it would be, I can embrace this new twist and wait for the excitement of my new role!

I can't wait!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Tag your it!

Tagged by Jen at Chaos Among Us.

Here's what I have to do for this tagging game:

1) I must post 7 random things about me:-
  • I share a bday with Sam Houston, Dr. Seuss and it is also Texas Independence Day.

  • I love magazines. It is hard for me not to buy most of them.... even the ones that don't apply to me, my lifestyle or anything I have interest in. I just like them.

  • I used to collect business cards. I had them for all kinds of things.

  • I am pretty close with most of my family including my extended family.

  • I love Butter Pecan Ice Cream but bought Mint Choc Chip recently instead.... Its my second fave.

  • Sept 9th is a special day to me. It may seem odd to celebrate something that was so simple and that is no longer in my life, but it changed me in so many ways that I will always have a special place in my heart and memory for this day.... The day I entered Boot Camp.

  • I have always had sleeping problems. I have tried sooooo many different things. Recently tried counting (Thanks Margaret... its such a simple idea!) and it WORKED! I just had to keep reminding myself not to think of anything but the number.

2) Tag 7 other bloggers

Well I would tag people but I am not sure who I would pick!

Maybe Trapped, Esmerelda, Everyone at Mama Drama, Kyla, Margaret, GuyGM, Gman.....

I don't know. But, I'm not officially tagging any one just a suggestion!

3) Post Rules & the bloggers I tagged here.

4) Leave tagged bloggers comments on their web sites so that they know they have been tagged

Monday, July 09, 2007

Here and There

So I thought I would do a quick random all over the place post! Here goes.

1. Thanks Mindy for giving me this!

Isn't it pretty! Now I get to give this to other Rockin' Girl Blogger. Many of the ones I would tag have gotten it. So anyway, here are the folks I give it to.

Aimee - You rock! You are always there with a kind word, support or to help me out with great Sun protection info.

Esmerelda - You rock! Keep on rockin'. (No link)

Mrs. Wheezer - You rock! Again, always there when I need support and just a great, great friend. I'm soooo glad I finally got to meet you. Can't wait to see you again.

Beautiful Disaster - You rock! From one single mom to another! Great blog and we are sooo *right here*....

And last but not least Jen - You rock! You don't blog much but you have been an amazing friend through the years. You bring the humor in most situations but can be right down to the point and serious in others.


2. I FINALLY talked to the kiddos! It was sooo good to talk to them but just as I was getting off the phone with the ex (we had to talk business), I started to get choked up and almost cried when I got off the phone. I think it was part relief to finally talk to them and partly just plain mama sadness. But I do try to be thankfully. No I don't just try, I am! They will be home soon and I will surrounded by their voices, their laughs, their smiles, their screams, their yelling, their door slamming, and loving every minute of it.


3. Got out last night with Goofball and a friend of his. I almost didn't go but really glad I did.


4. I have reconnected with a few of my very good friends lately. Two on the same day! And, one today. It is always great when old friends call or email. I just wish I could fly out to Green Bay to see my one very best friend even after almost 7 yrs apart. She and I go waaaaay back to Jan 1993-ish at least when we first met but we truly started hanging out a year later when we were both pg with our first children! Both girls! My other two friends I meet 7 yrs ago this month. We worked at the same place for 2 yrs and have stayed in touch off and on since.


5. Have you seen the commercial for the depression meds that says, "Depression Hurts." Yes it does. As you would expect mentally but it also hurts physically.


6. Watching the Home Run Derby! It rocks!!!! It is like the best part of baseball and all the best players doing it. I probably won't watch the All-star game tomorrow though. Unfortunately, the Astros do not have many players this year. Just two.... Carlos Lee and Roy Oswalt!


7. I am still not completely up to speed with my computer. I am now using Firefox so I have to get it all set up like I like with all my faves bookmarked and then I will be back to making my rounds around the blogosphere. If I haven't commented on your blog for a while, its not that I don't love you anymore, its I just haven't had the time just yet with trying to get my computer up to speed.....

Well I guess that's it! Lucky 7, though my fave number is 9. Hey I could write 9. This should count as #8, yes?

9. Please check out Jenny of Mama Drama fame at her home away from home!
I want her to be my new best friend! She is awesome.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

My Computer seems to be working!

But, I'm not. I'm so freakin' lonely its not even funny. I'm depressed as hell. My kids really do keep me going.

I have been trying to force myself to get out. I have called people like my parents and my aunt and some friends so that I can just get out of the house from time to time. Not just be stuck in the house.

But, like right now, I have no one to go with me and I have to go to the grocery store. But, as you see, I'm not. I'm typing away saying nothing of interest. But, I will get myself together once I vent this and make my confession. I just have to then mentally talk myself into to driving to the store. I actually do have to mentally prepare myself to do things even things that I have done a hundred times. Don't even get me started on how much it takes for me to get myself to do something new.... Ack! Just bring me my "I love me" jacket now.

I know I'm weird. But this is all part of me. I have an anxiety disorder and I suffer from depression and I hear voices.... oh wait that's just because I left the TV on in the other room. Okay so just the first two.

When I am suffering from both an anxious feeling and depression, I can almost not function. Like right now, I'm almost paralyzed with fear of going out of my house. Wait, fear might not be the right word. But, I'm paralyzed into not doing it.

And I know when I do make it out of the house, I will forget much of what I wanted at the store. This means I will have to calm down and try again later. This also means taking a list will not help. I will actually not be able to read the list. It is the weirdest feeling. So I just wing it and hope for the best.

So wish me luck as I head out. I just wish that the grocery store would deliver. That is one of the few things I do miss about Fargo, ND! Grocery delivery!!! Whoohooo.

PS... I have a few posts that I need to do... Namely Rockin' Girl Blogger. Min, I didn't forget!!! Just sucked into a hole I can't climb out of.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Crossing Fingers! (random post)

Do you have then crossed? I think my computer might be working.... for the moment. I have been online now for a few minutes and it hasn't crashed..... Yet....

So I have moved all my photos and music and anything else I don't want to lose to my extra hard drive. My computer has two. So just in case this one dies, I won't lose everything. (crossing fingers)

Nothing excited from me though so you aren't missing anything in my life. Just missing my kids like crazy, hanging out a bit with Goofball, working a lot and cleaning. How fun does my life sound?!?! :)

Monday was my brother's Bday. He is the one in Iraq. Won't be home from there for another 6 mths because they got extended for a few extra. In September, it will be a year that he has been gone....

And it is the 4th of July. I have no plans at all. How sad is that? I feel so pathetic and lonely but ya know, it is what it is. Actually my parents are having me over for dinner and we will hang out. Nothing exciting but still better than being here alone. But everyone else I know has plans or I would try to hang out with someone else. Normally my family is very organized and in to doing these big parties for every thing! Seriously! (Goofball thinks we are weird and yeah a little but I love my family a lot! and miss the parties)

My mom had surgery. Since just before that, no parties. What's up? No June bday parties this year, nothing for Mother's day, nothing for the 4th..... When is our next party?? I have no idea. We would often get together because it was just a good day for a party. My memories is getting fuzzy on when our last one was.... Our family reunion at the end of April, I think? (which was a much more extended version of just my mom's sisters and their kids and their kids....)

I think I might go take a nap or watch a movie and then call my parents.

HAPPY FOURTH!!!!!!! Hope you all have a good, safe holiday.