Trouble Sleeping

but not really falling asleep though it is taking a little longer than usual. It is more the staying asleep that is getting to me right now.

I don't know what the problem is but I have had sleep issues for a million years now. When I actually sleep through the night, it is a good night. And really the other sad thing is that I start sleeping really good about an hour before it is time to get up. So on the weekends (or days off) it works out great because as long as I have no where to go, I can just let myself sleep from about 4:30 am on.... until I get up.

Part of the trouble right now though, I do know. My kids are gone and for whatever reason I have trouble sleeping when they are gone. Another is I have like 50 million things on my mind. Work is like kicking my butt lately. I love it, don't get me wrong but sometimes I truly feel like I am drowning. I have also been doing the job for a long time. It is time for a move (within my current company).

It is one of the things I love about where I work. They encourage movement, career development and the like. Right now, like the rest of the employment world, there is nada in the way of new jobs. Those very few opportunities that do come up are snatched faster than anything.

So for now I hang on and just really try to work hard, stay motivated and learn as much as I can.....

.... without falling asleep...... :)

Happy dreams, peeps!

Busy, busy, busy!

This week is shaping up to be extremely busy at work. That is fine. Makes the days fly by or so I can hope, right?

One of my co-workers just lost his grandmother. She has been very sick and has fought like a champ, but alas she lost her battle. At least she is at peace now.

I already had my own long to-do list, now I have some of his. I don't mind, this is not a complaint. Just giving an idea of what my week will look like.

Then I got two free tickets to the Astros game on Friday night. I haven't seen a game (live) in years! They were in the Astrodome then.... I have never been to Minute Maid Park. Now I just need to find someone to go with me. :)

I got a lot done this weekend though I still feel like I have a ton of cleaning left to do. I got a lot of the clutter cleaned and that was the really important part! Still a few "hot spots" to clean but overall, much better. I feel lighter! Good feeling!

I did a bit for myself this weekend; like I mentioned below, I got a pedicure. First one in at least 3 yrs. Long overdue and much deserved. It felt good. I also bought a few things for myself and just got several errands checked off. Visited family and relaxed!!!

I think I am ready for my busy week. I love my job (though ready for some new challenges) and at least it keeps me busy!

Falling apart a little bit

I wasn't going to write this out until I got to talk to him but it doesn't look like I will get to any time soon.... and it is nearly killing me.

He is in pain. He is hurting. Lost, confused. Hell I don't even know what he is going through. I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive and just here. I don't want to fall apart out in the "open" where he can see it (he reads this blog and I am not going to hide my blog just so I can talk freely).... but it is time now not to just hold it in and be for him. I have to be for me some things too.

Not to take away from his situation at all, his feelings. But it is because of how he feels that I am a mess but not only because he seems so lost but also because he is gone.

I have never in my life felt for someone the way I feel for him (kids not included). I feel so complete when I am with him. Calm, safe. I have always felt guarded and like I needed to almost protect myself from other men. I had to be careful. Never was I abused physically but emotionally for sure. He isn't like that.

He is hands down the best man I have ever met. Smart, caring, thoughtful, respectful, funny and sexy as hell.

I love that he is out doing for him for a change. He absolutely deserves the time and needs it. But it is also extremely hard on me to have him gone. I am in tears nearly everyday. Cranky. Moody. I want to do for myself and I am trying. I got a pedicure.... the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I have gotten quite a bit done in the house but still have so much to do.

And damn it isn't like I see him everyday, but maybe a few times here and there, but he is so amazing that knowing I am missing time with him when life is so short anyway, well it is hard.

And all I can say is I am trying and wish for him some clarity, time for himself and that he knows I am here for him when he is ready.... no rushing, no pressure. I am strong enough to get through this.... I just have to let myself fall apart a little to keep it together.

Back when I was a new mommy

It has been a while since I was a first time mommy. It was actually just over 15 yrs ago. My little girl was born June 25.... she came two weeks early.

I was in the Navy at the time so I got 6 weeks maternity leave. Not too much but then I was a shining star, climbing the ladder type. So 6 wks was fine with me, except for one thing. I had to find child care for my precious baby. Okay... okay but my worry was she would know me as mom in name only. I was worried she would love another in that "mom/daughter" way.

Well that never happened and my fears were quickly put to rest the first time I picked her up and she smiled the hugest smile for me! Then the first time she giggled and reached for me.

Well 1 year ago today, my children got a new "mom" in their life. She had been in their life already for a year and that was a tough year for all of us. We were dealing with so many new emotions and feels. The kids were nervous to let me know they liked her. I was fighting back some jealous feelings, though not for him/her but for my kids. I didn't want them to love another "mom".... But it was too late, I liked her as soon as I met her. She is a nice, bubbly person. The kind that you can't help but seem to like.

As soon as I did meet her, I knew they were going to get married. I just could feel a vibe (I do that a lot).... So I started a friendship with her. Some may think it is weird but it works for us and I feel better about who my kids are spending time with. I trust her.... maybe even more than I trust my ex with them. Sad really.

Today is their 1 year anniversary and I am happy to have her as part of our weird little family. I couldn't ask for a better person to love my children and for them to think of in that mommy way.

I know they love me more than anyone else in the world.... :)

My bucket list....

So I have been thinking about this for years, even before the movie. But thinking about it is all I have done and I have wasted valuable time that I could be checking things off my list.

The big questions in my mind about it are do I put a date on it like my 40th or 50th bday or do I leave it open ended? What happens if I don't complete something or can't or what? What types of things do I put on it?

I know pretty much what I want to put on it. The typicals like travel, things to eat, sights to see, people to meet/see. I don't think I want to do much of the daredevil types of things but I am not ruling that out.

I think what I could say is that I want to get X stuff done by 40 (only 3 1/2 yrs) and then some other things by 50, etc.

But then what about the World we are living in, how is it going to change over the next 5, 10, 20 years? So should I leave some flexibility in it? Of course....

Do you have a bucket list?

Every Summer....

So every summer, I am faced with one major decision: What am I going to do without the kids?

It seems like a simple thing. It really does. Everyone offers great ideas. But some of the things I just am not willing to do alone: dinner, movie. And the open ended one is, "Well just do something for yourself."

What does that mean? I mean I guess I know WHAT it means but I don't know how to do it.

Most of the year, I have the kids. I get to go out some, mostly with Goofball, sometimes with other friends. But when possible, I try to do something with the kiddos. But I am limited to a certain radius from home. I can go so distance from home, but not overnight and I try to stay in places that I can get a phone call.

So since most of the year I have them, when I don't, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I still have to think about the doggie but he is pretty good. Just no overnights unless I can get someone to come look after him or see if there is room at the Inn (read: Vet)

What am I doing with my time?

I went to dinner with an very good friend who I have known since elementary school. That was fun!

I had a phone chat with a long-lost (and now found) friend from my early Navy days! For whatever reason, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, have found each other again. She is talking about coming to visit me too!

Then I am hoping to go visit my cousin this week, might see my school friend again. We have a family party on Saturday and in there some time I want to clean the house some more. (One project at a time)

I volunteered to help at some community thing for work but haven't heard an update on things as of yet.

Where is Goofball?

He is out of town for an undefined amount of time. I miss him but he does need this break. I'll be here when he is ready.

My big thing this year is to stay healthy! Last summer was chaos. I don't even want to think about it. Not even going to link to last year's stuff. I have already taken positive steps to get there. I started Weight Watchers (at work) back in March. I have lost 13 lbs to date. Slow and steady wins the race.

So those are my summer plans, does it sound like I am doing something for myself? I hope so! because I feel like I am. :)

Explaining my absence

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.

Wordless Wednesday