Wednesday, December 27, 2006

2006 - Year in Review

Wow. I cannot believe it is almost 2007. So much has happened this past year and I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect on the changes in my life and really in me.

I guess I really need to back up even further just so you know where I am. July 2005 moved back to Texas. Separated from the now-ex so this is kind of where I pick up in Jan 2006. We are still living apart but have not filed for divorce yet. As far as I knew we were still trying to pick up the pieces and see if we could fit the puzzle back together again. March 2006, my bday and we go to San Antonio and we had a blast! I was thinking wow, we are really doing well. Maybe, just maybe this will all work. We had already talked about moving back in together and were looking at a house we wanted to buy.

It was about mid-March that I realized he wasn’t in to it anymore. I confronted him about it, he confirmed and that was the end. We started getting facts on our rights in a divorce, figuring out our options and putting post-it notes on the stuff we wanted to keep.

End of March or beginning of April, I decided to put myself on one of those online dating sites. to be exact. It was okay. I had a few people that I talked to but only one I actually met. Then I learned about another site called I had never heard of it and gave that one a shot. A few more email contacts, another date. But, then I emailed someone and well long story short, 6 mths later we are still chatting and meeting up when we can. You have all read about him…. The Goofball.

Well that is kind of updating on the dating aspect of it, however, the rest of my life was going like this. May 2006, we officially filed for divorce. June 2006 ex moved to Dallas, Tx and then took the kids to his folks for a few weeks. Then he came back and well he seemed to miss me and we talked about possibly stopping the divorce. However, in my heart, I knew I couldn’t turn back. It was just too late for us. I had grown so much in just that short time and really all year. I had grown more independent again. I learned too much about my strength, got a lot of my self-respect back and I wasn’t going to give myself up again for someone that didn’t respect me. I wasn’t going to get back in a situation where the person that is suppose to love me the most in the world, puts me down and makes me feel like I can’t do anything or that I am being controlled or that I’m just not good enough for him. Divorce on. It was official Sept 1, 2006. Almost 13 years from when we first meet.

Then I thought I was starting to get a head a bit on finances and getting a handle on paying for everything with one income (plus child support). That was my first mistake! Car broke big time. Hindsight being what it is, I now know what I should have done but oh well its over and all I can do is move on. Tuck that a way in the lessons learned the hard way file of the brain.

I have had a lot of job changes this year as well. This is due to being a temporary. I hate it, it sucks but it is the best way to get your foot in the door around here. So I started out the year working for a hospital, then went to a chemical company and then for a very short time to an Oil and Gas Company. Then finally landed where I wanted to be all along, it is a different Oil and Gas Company than the first. I won’t say the name but I will hint that the “mascot” is a car or actually more than one car. I’m still a temporary but I am hoping that will change soon.

There are so many other changes in me. I haven’t suffered as much depression and anxiety this year. I have moments of both but I can push on through it. I have to. I think one reason is I have a great support system. Family and friends that don’t mind listening to me or picking me up when I’m down even if they don’t always realize it. I am very blessed to have this. I try to tell at least someone everyday what they mean to me. If you are reading this, chances are really good you mean a lot to me as I haven’t personally shared this link with many people. I do know some of my friends have me linked from their blogs but that’s fine. My friends know who they are! Right?! If not, I can call you out!

Also with my new found freedom and realizing I’m not being controlled, I can just hop in the car and head out where ever I can with the kids. We have done the zoo a few times, the beach twice and gone to different parks a lot, the movies, out to eat…. It is so much fun! We started to take up tennis before I had a medical set back that I will talk about shortly. The ex was here this weekend and I was like, hey let’s all go for a ride. It took us way tooo long to go and by then I was over it. I should have just gone it alone but the kids were wanting out of the house too and he was there so I said, hey let’s all just go. It was just one extra person and a grown person at that. One that can get dressed by himself. Why did it take us so much longer? I don’t know. But, this was always a problem. When I want to go, I want to go quickly. I am not really a morning person as in not super happy, peppy and my brain isn’t always functioning full force. But, if I don’t get out when I’m ready, my enthusiasm quickly wanes.

And, finally, health. Well overall not a bad year. The kids have stayed relatively healthy, nothing funky like in 2005 with Hunter’s head injury (long story if you haven’t heard it). But, only thing is in the last month I found out that I have a herniated disk in my neck. Fun! So I have been in pain for almost 2 months now but thankfully I haven’t done much in 2 weeks so I am finally feeling some relief in that area. My future with that looks like physical therapy and I just have to be careful not to lift anything really heavy. I plan to go have a sit down with the doc about exactly what that all means very soon.

Looking to 2007, I will finally complete school. I can almost not believe it. To say I’m excited would be an understatement. I’m hoping this will mean more time with my kids, more time for me stuff (like reading!!!) and maybe more time for a hobby. I haven’t had one of those in a long time! Speaking of hobbies, I better write this in my blog so I don’t forget. I want to paint this summer while the kids are with dad. I want to go to the store and buy all the supplies and just paint but not the house but art, paintings…. Mostly just make a mess on canvas. I can’t paint to save my life but I once spent a whole weekend painting and loved it! I don’t have any of those anymore.

Also in 2007, I am hoping to meet up with a bunch of my friends for our annual reunion trip. This year is Dallas! Whoohoo! I cannot wait. I really hope that a lot of them can make it. But, no matter who makes it, it will still be fun!

Then lastly in 2007 our family will grow by two more babies (so far). My brother and Sister-in-law are having their 3rd in May. Then just this week I found out my cousin is having her 2nd in August!!!!! Now I am not on this list of potentials but I know there may be some others in my family that are planning. I wish that both babies are healthy and happy. Of course we are all not so secretly wishing for pink but healthy and happy come first! and before you say, wow that sounds selfish (as far as the wishing for girls). We had 5 babies in 2002/03 all boys! Until this past October, we didn't have a baby since 1998 that was a girl. Soooooo we are all just wanting to buy more pink clothes! Either way we love our babies!

I will leave you with these thoughts. Things I have learned in the last year or so.

Take risks. If you don’t you will have regrets. I am big on this risk taking thing. It is my new thing. Just got this in a fortune cookie, “The greatest risk is not taking one.” So true, so true!! I feel like I took a big risk in July 2005, leaving Fargo with just my babies. Then coming here, getting a job and just doing it all by myself (okay with some help but it takes a village…..)

The second thing is to just appreciate what you have. I have been reminded oh so many times this year how good I have it. I can complain and whine but at the end of the day my life is pretty damn great! But, don’t just appreciate it but tell those around you how you feel.

Here is to a safe and happy 2007!!!!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas (Eve)


I haven't blogged in just over a week! I can't believe it I was doing so good this month in keeping up.

Anyway, let's see. The ex is here this weekend and it is going okay. Ready for him to go home though.... sad to say. I like my space but have enjoyed the slight break I have gotten from my kids. Tonight I went over to my parents without the kids (because of course this is dad's weekend) and they kept calling me asking when I would come back and what was for dinner and a million other things. I said that is why daddy is here, ask him. But, still the calls kept coming. Just a few hours, please, that is all I wanted! Oh well I love those kids more than anything and I came home a little early so I could spend time with them.

So let's see.... Got a few more presents to wrap. Make the green bean casserole for tomorrow. Made the cranberries already. Cookies in the oven. K put on a Magic show for us. It was so cute. The boys are running wild and I just hope they go to bed tonight so I can do the whole Santa thing.

Then just got a call from my supervisor. There is one more baby in the world today! A baby boy, 8lbs 10 oz.

Okay let's see what else! OH the Texans won against the Colts. That was cool as hell. Not to mention Goofball had gone to the game. I'm really happy that he was there and they won. Did I mention the beat the Colts? Oh yeah that was sooo cool.

Anyway, I am happy, fairly healthy and I have my kids and family!!!!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas. I hope you all have the same. Well wishes, warm hugs and lots of laughs.

Love you all.

Friday, December 15, 2006

What a strange day....

Well first and fore most.... I saw the goofball today. It was so nice. Just a few hours but it was great.... Not sure when the next time our schedules will match but that's okay because I know there will be a next time....

So then I have had a lot of pain today. I think I will need to go back to the doc and really discuss this with him. He had suggested if it doesn't get better within 2 wks that we would do physical therapy and I think I will tell him, let's do it. And, I may ask for another pain shot. Those really help. Though I am walking around with a sore rear....

Then got a call from the ex. He is having some issues. Long story short, he may have to have some urgent surgery. I'm worried that he won't take care of himself and won't ask for help (not from me of course we don't leave near each other) but he is just like that. Stubborn as hell. He has probably been walking around with this problem for far too long and now it is almost an emergency situation. This also means that he can't come for the Christmas weekend. The kids are a little disappointed but I think it starts to become an "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. Especially with the little one.

Then it looks like I will get to see BOTH of my brothers for Christmas. Well the youngest and his family will be here just before and leave on the 24th but still!!!!!

And, now I sit here thinking about my day not able to focus on my schoolwork because of my pain and fighting the urge to run to Dallas so that at the very least the ex will have someone to take care of him. But, ya know, he is a big boy and will have to do it himself. I have been! and if you are wondering I would do it more for my children than for the ex or myself. I am honestly worried that he would not take care of himself and well.... I will just leave it unspoken.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

MRI Results are in....

.... herniated disk in my neck.

At least now I know I'm not making this up. I do worry about that... Ha!

So anyway, nothing too special that I have to do at this time just be really careful, no heavy lifting. How am I suppose to avoid that and be a single mom??? I need to hire someone!

Thanks for those that have sent me positive thoughts. I do appreciate them and you for remembering me.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"She Let Herself Go"

This song just reminds me of me.... a little bit! Of course I haven't gotten to travel yet but I will.

"She Let Herself Go" by George Strait (Dean Dillon/Kerry Kurt Phillips)
He wondered how she'd take it
When he said goodbye
Thought she might do some cryin'
Lose some sleep at night
But he had no idea
When he hit the road
That without him in her life
She'd let herself go

Let herself go on a singles' cruise
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu
Let herself go to New York City
A week at the spa
Came back knocked-out pretty
When he said he didn't love her no more
She let herself go

She poured her heart and soul
Into their three bedroom ranch
Spent her days raisin' babies
Ironin' his pants
Came home one day from the grocery store
And found his note
And without him there to stop her
She let herself go

Let herself go on her first blind date
Had the time of her life
With some friends at the lake
Let herself go buy a brand new car
Drove down to the beach
He always said was too far
Sand sure felt good between her toes

(Repeat 1st Chorus)

To Vegas once
New York City
Came back knocked-out pretty

Waiting Wednesday

Waiting on my results from the MRI. For obvious reasons.

Waiting on Friday! For many reasons....

Waiting for my Chinese food. I'm hungry

Waiting to take my meds. I am in pain and can't take them until....

Waiting for bedtime! .... now!

Waiting for Christmas. To see my children's faces when they see their special gift from me!

Waiting for wishes and dreams..... if only I could share these right now but I will when the time is right.

Monday, December 11, 2006

My day update.... Just random stuff....

Started out rather domestic like and ended that way too.

MRI went fine. I didn't even panic being enclosed in that little tube! I'm proud of me. Should get the results in a few days.

Came home, straightened up just a bit and sat around watching day time television. Have you ever noticed that all the commericals during the day are for nursing, technical schools or insurance companies, etc? Anywho. Then I took a nap.... pain meds....

Woke up, headed to the grocery store. Had to buy stuff for K's class, International day or something. She picked Nachos... umm, okay! H needed plates and cups for a class party. Then got gas in the car, picked up L from day care. Got home started dinner (burritos), got K started on making her nachos... She is 12 in 7th grade, she can cook! Everyone is fed. Kitchen is more or less cleaned up. Kids are happy.

Now mom can settle down to finish a project for class. I can't believe I'm already at the end of week 2 of my almost last class! Just 3 more weeks (not counting the Christmas break) and I will be in my last class! It has been a long road but I have learned so much and really feel proud that I have done it (almost!). For anyone that doubts online school at all, I have worked so hard and gotten so much out of it. I just didn't get this out of my first experience with college but this is perfect for me!

Enough stalling from me! I better get this project finished up so I can get to bed. I actually have to go to work tomorrow.

Very Domestic Night/Morning and just random stuff

I have all the laundry done! I actually got up and woke up all my children (usually I am long gone by now and I have to call to make sure they are both up, I take the little one to day care). I even made breakfast and unloaded the dishwasher.

I wish I could go to work later everyday!!!

MRI this morning and of course I woke with a migraine. Ugh! But the good news is I did very, very little for the last several days and my back and neck are feeling a lot better. The kids did a lot of the heavy work for me while I just made sure it got done. For all my complaining, they are really good kids.

Today is my nephew's bday. I can't believe he is 12. His dad (my brother) will be leaving Iraq soon for a 20 day leave. We can't wait to see him!!!

Random thought for the day: Communication is the key to everything.

And, lastly, I hate when I start to feel out of control of my life.... like I'm losing and I have no idea how to stop it!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Monday and MRI and what I miss

Well I haven't mentioned but the last month has been very painful. I don't know what the heck I did, something goofy I'm sure... but I pinched a nerve, pulled a muscle or something in my back and neck, mostly neck. It hurts. I'm usually pretty good with pain but this is the no-relief kind.

So I went to the doc after the first two weeks because I just couldn't take it anymore. X-ray, shot of pain meds, shot of steriods and then a prescriptions for pain med and muscle relaxer. No lifting, now how realistic is that? I have kids. But fine. I went home and slept. Woke, not bad. A little hang over feeling.

Later that night, PAIN! The meds didn't work. For another week I lived with it. Not well mind you because on Saturday, Dec 2, we went to a b-day party for my cousin's daugther and it was nice but I got a migraine and had a date with goofball later that night. Had my kids all set to go to family's houses for sleepovers. I tried everything to feel better. He gets here and while the migraine part wasn't so bad, I was not doing well. We just chilled at the house and I really hope he didn't mind that I was not quite myself.

Anywho, fast forward to Dec 7th, I got to work and I just fell apart at my desk. The pain was so bad, I had tears running down my face. Not crying, just tears. It hurt. Talked to my supervisor and went straight back to the doc. Shot for pain, shot of steriods, two new meds for pain and muscle relaxers but scheduled for MRI on Monday, tomorrow Dec 11th to be exact.

Now here is what I miss. I miss having someone to go with me and tell me it is going to be okay. Someone maybe hold my hand until it is time, give me a hug and wait with me for the results all along telling me it is nothing. And, yeah I can tell myself all this because I'm sure this is just something goofy I did lifting stuff, being a mom and being that I have had some trouble since being rear-ended back in Feb 2003, I'm sure that's it..... But, it is different having a husband or at least a boyfriend with you to do these things. With that said, the goofball has been really sweet to ask how I'm doing. We aren't a couple, just friends but I keep thinking what the heck is he thinking of me? I'm just a big whiner, right? I freakin' feel like it! I hate feeling like this!!!

So I want a hero. I want someone to lean on. Even if I can be strong on my own, I am a girl afterall.... we all want a hero.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

December 9th, 1993

This was my wedding anniversary. The day I thought I was going to marry this great guy, have our baby and live happy forever. Now it is December 9, 2006 and I am divorced, have three children and living very happy. It is amazing how life changes.

Let's rewind time for a bit, I want to reflect on my marriage.... It might get long, it was nearly 13 yrs.

We were both in the Navy stationed at NAS Whiting Field in Milton, FL.... that is near Pensacola, FL on the border of Alabama.

It started when I first saw him in August 1993. He came to my office to deliver a student's record. Not to me but when I saw him, I had this weird feeling. I turned to my friend and said, "Do you know him?" She said, "Not really." I said, "Can you find out about him?" She said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "I'm going to marry him.".... We both laughed. But, what is funnier is that I really knew I was going to.

We met officially Sept 23, 1993 and a very whirlwind relationship I was about 10-11 weeks pregnant when we married on Dec 9th. That was a great weekend. It was a Thursday and on Friday was my command's Christmas party. It was at a hotel on Pensacola Beach. My command and his got together for different wedding gifts, mine was a night in the hotel. At this point we weren't able to live together. Our house (base housing) wouldn't be ready until Monday.

Then came Christmas. My parents had already bought me a plane ticket home so I went home and he went to his folks'. When we got back, we decided we would not spend another Christmas apart.

This feeling of love was short lived but his change of heart in mid-January. He said that we rushed and we should divorce and date to get to know each other better. To this I simply said, "I married you once and if I divorce you it will be once." Basically I am not going to do the back and forth thing. No way! I respect myself too much.

This "off" period lasted for a few months but then I don't know what happened but maybe it was the baby coming. He finally seemed like he wanted to be married to me. We bought all the baby stuff, put it together, washed and folded the clothes and we were all set. One day we were walking down the hallway and he paused by the baby's room. He said, "I'm going to be a dad."

We had the baby and things were great! She was the perfect baby. We were a nice little family.

Then we got pregnant again, and had our first boy! Shortly after this, we moved to Norfolk, VA. It was our first change of duty stations.

The first year was great. But, things went down hill not too long after. Ex-h was put out of the Navy for medical reasons. He had to have hernia surgery in FL, not once but twice. It had caused a lot of nerve damage.

He started going to school 5 nights a week, and working 5 -6 days a week. We never saw him. But, I also think he was very depressed and upset about having to get out of the Navy. Military Service was his dream and what he wanted to do. Now what would he do?

This was the start of our trouble. We really started to grow apart and towards others, friends and just in general it really hurt our marriage.

In 1998, I announced that I wanted a divorce. We went to counseling, it didn't stick. We were just so different now. But, some how we stuck it out, and late 1999 we were back to almost normal (you never completely recover, I still hadn't from the first troubles). We talked about having another baby.

In 2000, I got out of the Navy and we moved to Houston, TX. Where I'm from of course!

No baby. No baby. No baby. But all along I thought we were doing great and working for the same thing.

I started going to a new doctor. We were going through my medical history and she asked a simple question about birthcontrol and I started boo-whoing! She knew there was an issue here. I explained and she gave me some meds to help. I went home and told him about it, he didn't hear me. Because a week before I was suppose to start taking the pills, he said he didn't want a baby anymore. WTF? So the meds were to help regulate my cycle too so I told him, "I am going to take these and if you don't want a baby, wear protection." He didn't and we got pregnant again.

I was so happy!! So happy! Nov 4, 2001 is when I found out! I couldn't believe it. When I told him, he said "I hate you." then packed a bag and left. For a few months it went like this and finally, I guess the shock wore off. We bought a house and were doing great.... but we never fully recovered from this "fight" or trouble either. We had a beautiful baby boy.

Then in Dec 2002, he had enough again, moved out. So here I was a single mom for three. Wow! The house was clean, everyone was feed and I was working and going to school at this time. I was actually happy!!!

But, what did I do.... let him move in because bottom-line, I was scared of being alone, of the financial burden it really was. He moved back in and we had determined that his job was more the source of his problems. So the job search started. My eye started twitching because all the jobs were out of state.

In May 2003, I quit working to stay at home to try and save money and my marriage.... but I also knew the end of living in Houston was coming to a close....

In May/June 2003, Fargo, ND called him and we moved. Had to sell our house, our first house. I was so sad. I had painted each child's room with love and patience, with each of them in mind while doing it. I started to hate him. I had stopped saying "I love you" months before. In fact, maybe about the time he moved back in. I resented him a lot.

We lived in Fargo for 2 yrs. I wasn't happy. I had to take meds for depression. I tried but I never loved him again.

In the Summer of 2005, I left with my babies and moved back home.

The last year was hard. Having to find a job, change jobs again and again, being out of work for 5 weeks. Going to school. Etc, etc.

And, here is it Dec 9, 2006..... and I think I have final found myself again. I am so happy with my life. You have read about it! Getting up, waking the kids and hopping in the car to the Beach, the zoo, the park. They love it.

Ahhh, it feels good.