Saturday, March 31, 2007
So April is shaping up to be quite a month. Let's just start with this. I signed the kids up for sports. K and L both in soccer and H in baseball. Practice for H and L is on Tuesdays at 6:30 -7:30 but on opposite sides of town. How does one mom split herself between two? Doesn't happen of course. I call in back up. Nana helps and so does H's friend's dad. So every Tuesday is just crazy! Then K's practice is on Friday. Games on Saturdays until June 2nd unless they have playoffs.... Then I don't know but it starts cutting in to their summer with dad. Keep in mind games on Saturday, okay?
So starting this coming Saturday (the 7th). Bridal Shower for my cousin (mom's side). Sunday Easter at another cousin (mom's side). Then the 10th go out of town for work, mom has kids (Have fun mom!)..... Come back from NOLA on Saturday morning the 14th. Try to get to all the kids' games we can before yet another cousin's wedding (dad's side). Its in Galveston at 7:00 pm. Ugh! Also that day I have been invited to a 1st bday party for a good friend's son and a baby shower for another friend (her 3rd but this one is a girl!). Can't do it all and this is really where my anxiety is right now. What do I do on Saturday? I really want to blow off the wedding because it is just too much. Over an hour away, we have no clothes for it, the boys are not going to behave at that time of night and then over an hour home at night, in the dark with cranky kids who will probably go to sleep but still! Ugh! What to do?
Thankfully the 15th NOTHING! Except my parents will have my oldest newphew and nieces so we will probably end up over there unless my parents have had enough kids and noise.
The next week..... Practice on Tuesday for the boys. I plan to take Friday off and head to Dallas on Thursday night. Got a crazy Girl's Only Weekend planned! The kids will be with dad. Sooo they will all miss games, they will probably miss games the week before too.... maybe not all the kids but at least H if we do go to the wedding. So anyway, crazy but good weekend.
Then back to practices on Tuesday and Friday..... Saturday the 28th we have a family reunion in Galveston, over an hour away, mom's side of family.... it is in the middle of the day on Saturday.... Game day so yep either miss the reunion or miss more games. My mom has put so much into making this reunion happen and since I have one brother in Iraq and one in Colorado, I should really go to represent my mom's kiddos. Ya know?
Then May.... First weekend, my cousin that is having the bridal shower on April the 7th will be getting married the first weekend in May. Its an evening wedding and I think on Friday. I'm so happy for her!!!! I can't wait!
So then in May, practices on Tuesdays and Fridays, games on Saturday. Right now we can make all of them, and except for Mother's day there is nothing else planned this month.
Oh and did I mention I'm waiting to hear if my job will become perm or if I will have to move on and find another?.... I hate waiting.
Then L has speech therapy every Friday (except for this past one and not on Good Friday either).
Oh and also my 4th nephew will be born sometime in May!! That is big news but he will be in Colorado so it won't have the same type of time impact that it would if they lived here. But still big news.
Anyway, as I think of all I have to do, I feel a bit overwhelmed. Its not really bad but it is a balancing act for sure. If only I could decide what to do the weekend of the 14th. That is going to be a really rough day. I really want to blow off the wedding. I'm already not on my aunt's "good list."
Decisions, decisions, decisions.....
Granted I do censor myself a tiny bit, but I do really try to be open and honest. I think I represent myself that way and maybe more because in person I might be reserved, quiet, and more withdrawn because you can see me! lol. It is a weird thing and just the introvert in me, I like to people watch and be the wallflower. I'm happy that way.
Why am I writing this? Because I have read a few blogs about mommy bloggers being attention whores. Well maybe so but here is my take on that! This is the Internet, if you don't speak up, don't get your name out there and flash the audience, you aren't seen. Period. So what's the problem? Is it that many, many of the mommy bloggers talk about their kids? Umm, duh? What's the problem? If the description of the blog is about children or the author says she has children, what do you think you are going to get?
There are some amazing writers out there and I applaud them all. I want to throw some names out but it would just skim the surface of the blogosphere. It would not even be fair. And don't even get me started on the daddy bloggers. Some really good dad's out there too.
So for all the bloggers out there! I say keep up the good words/works!! I respect you all for the things you share. I read a lot of them but sometimes don't jump out and comment.... I like my attention but I get it when and where I need it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
So on to the movie review. H wanted to watch Eragon so I typed it up in my little Netflix list and bam, right to the door comes a movie for the boy. He doesn't ask for much in the way of movies so I was surprised and gladly got it.
I wasn't planning to watch but L was watching and I just didn't think a 4, nearly 5 year old would/should watch it sooooo I sat in just to answer questions. Explained when things got scary and just in general got sucked right on in to it.
This movie was awesome! I loved it! It goes on the must buy list because I could so watch it again. Really not my thing but it was good.
So that's my review. Good movie, two thumbs up.
Monday, March 26, 2007
By taking risks, I feel like I don't sit around and wonder "What if...." What if I did this differently? Or what if I didn't do that, say that? or What if I did say this? However, if I don't do something, I just have to tell myself that I made a choice, a decision. Then not think about it again. Its done!
However, does that mean that I always follow those, nope! Sometimes I don't take risks and sometimes I regret not taking a risk.
So anyway, no regrets and take risks! Life is just too short for anything else!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
It started with Molly. She was a mutt. She was just a baby when I got her. She was so cool! One night I was home alone and so she was sleeping on the end of my bed. Well something made a noise near the window. She stood and growled deep in her throat, the fur on her back stood on end and she stayed on alert for a while. I just laid there and watched. She slowly relaxed but stayed on alert a bit longer and then finally looked at me with what looked like a smile and a nod, as if to say, "Coast is clear." She feel back to sleep and so did I. Good girl!!! I had her for only 6 months. He tried to kill her for tearing up stuff that he left out (umm duh!) so I found her a new home. Bye Molly.
Then came Dixie and Rebel. They were mini-dachshunds and gee do you think my ex was from the South? Well Dixie got very, very sick and she died. The breeder gave us, no questions asked, Maggie to replace her. We had them for about 17 months but then it was time to move from Florida to Virginia and we were having trouble finding a place to take pets, plus H was about to be born and it was just too much..... I think the real reason is the ex just was lazy and was done. We found a great couple to take them! They had 10 acres of land and a few other wiener-dogs. Maggie soon had 5 pups, she must have really liked her new home. Bye Maggie and Rebel.
At some point while having M&R, we got a cat. He wasn't around long... A month, maybe? Sydney, I think?
I also had a rabbit during this time too. Lee was a pure white rabbit. Again, ex got fed up.... rabbit gone. He turned out to be a she and had several babies! I knew the lady who took him. Bye Lee.
Then we got to VA, and got Scooby. A mixed pup that was just so adorable! We had him for about 6 months. My job was beyond busy and I was working really long hours. Couldn't give him as much attention as he needed, plus, ummm hello the ex never helped, no really! He hated the dog. Bye Scooby.
Then came Gambit. Gambit was an orange tabby cat that we got at the animal shelter! He came with the name. It was love at first site. For all of us, even the ex. Gambit was great, the perfect pet. We had him for 6 years!!! But the reason he is gone is because we were moving to North Dakota. The ex was not willing to look long for a place we could have him. If there are any of the pets I hate him for getting rid of this is the one or two. I think he hates himself for it also. Gambit was just that special. Bye Gambit.
After having G for about 1 year, we got Huskies. We went to get a solid white one because the ex said that was the only kind of dog he had ever wanted! So we got there. No whites that weren't already spoken for. We got to looking and picked out two. Yes two. Beau was a red/white and Anna was gray/black/white.... the kind that looks a lot like a wolf. They were awesome! I loved these dogs so much. Especially Beau. Do you believe soul mates can extend to animals? I do. We had this weird bond/connection. On Dec 22, 1999, they had two pups. One was solid white (he was special too) and the other looked just like mom, oh and both boys. Alas after 18 months-2 years ish, the time was up. We had to move again and again, the ex had blinders on to finding a place we could have the dogs. We took them "temporarily" to his parents. That temp situation lasted far too long, they were adopted out, and in the meantime we got a new dog. Because it was easier to hide a mini dachshund than an 80 lb and 40 lb Husky. Bye Beau, I miss you forever. Bye Anna. Bye Puppies too!
So as I mentioned, we got Baylee. She was another one that I was connected to. I could talk to her like she was a person and she knew what I meant. I told her to clean her toys. She did it. I told her to get a certain toy, she would pass others in search of the special one. I had her doing all kinds of cool tricks! However, if the ex came around, she would pee.... She was soooo scared of him and he hated her. So anyway, we had her from roughly 2000 until Summer of 2002. This is when I had L. She got really nervous around L. Didn't know how to act. One day she freaked and jumped on him by accident and freaked some more because she hadn't meant to jump on him. So I knew the time had come to get rid of her. My aunt agreed to take her. It was a great match! She fit right in over there and had started to relax again. Sadly she hurt her back and soon had to be put to sleep. Bye Baylee. I miss you.
Baylee was the last dog. I just couldn't do it anymore while married to him. At that point, I knew we would not stay together. I just knew it. Then we got rid of Gambit in 2003 (had him from 1997-2003). That really just sealed the deal for me.
But in 2004, he agreed to get me a new cat! But, not just any cat, a Ragdoll! I really wanted one! So we started talking to a breeder and some how got two of them, not just one. Sebastian and Zoe are nearly 3 (in April). The ex is gone now and I still have my cats. Yes as you could have guessed, he got sick of them. I basically took the attitude, "I pick them, loser."
And, now we (the kids and I) are at the point that we really want a dog. We love animals. We want one so bad. We have the yard for it but the house is small and they aren't great at helping me keep it clean but we are working on that.
So tonight I just wanted to give a spiritual shout out to my pets of the past.
I think so.
During a conversation with Goofball, we were basically saying that we had not seen each others "bad" sides. This is good, I think.
My ex used to say I am evil, he is scared of me, that I was selfish and a total bitch. Niiiice. He has said that for a million years (pretty much sometime during the first year, heck first months of our nearly 13 year marriage). But, I think that is because we actually brought out the worst in each other. That is just the way it was (is). As soon as I get on the phone with him, even now, I can feel that side coming to surface. I hate it!
I think when you are with certain people this is just the case. I mean we are who we are but with certain people, we may feel more at ease or we may feel good or a hundred other things.
I'm a fun person, caring and I'm not typically selfish. I think I'm generally a good person and a good listener and tons and tons of other good stuff. I mean we all have a bad side but it is about who we surround ourselves with and our attitudes that matter.
Someone that brings out the good, good stuff. Someone that brings out the bad, bad stuff.
So while I'm not a bitch exactly, I can surely be one at times.... :)
Friday, March 23, 2007
So Trapped posted something, and I thought about calling him out on this, then thought better of it and then in the end decided to just do it. Either he will forgive me because I'm damn cute or he won't and at least I had a good blog out of it..... (that is soooo wrong!). But.....
Once upon a time, Trapped posted this. He says women, if you don't like the sex you are getting talk about it. I don't disagree with it! However, I have comments. I have been so swamped busy I didn't really comment fully yet. So since I'm totally and completely frustrated here (doing it myself is just not cutting it anymore)! I haven't had HMS (or any sex any day of the week) for a few weeks. The last time I did was freakin' great but left me just wanting more and more. That's good but bad.
So what do I want to talk about? Well one of the things on my mind is sexual styles and preferences. I think that with different people we have different likes/dislikes. I know I'm not the same with different guys... at least I don't think so. I have limited experience since pre-marriage....back then I had a lot of flings and just one really long relationship (Hi, JJ! Miss you babe.... Hope the fam is well)..... Always different. Then I'm with Goofball and well, all I want to do is kiss him.... well not all I want to do, but I can't stop kissing him long enough to give him what I really, really and I mean really want to! (I know he is out there rolling his eyes saying I don't believe it)..... A BJ. Yep that's right, gawd, I want to do that so bad! Everytime I'm with him I think about it but just can't stop kissing him to do it, well that and nerves.
.... I'm nervous as H.E.L.L! to do it. What if I don't do it well? I have only done that to 3 other guys and I have never (oh.my.gawd.... I can't believe I'm going to admit this).... gotten a one of them to climax (okay my ex-h once but we were having angry sex, that's different, it was right before we filed for divorce.... I think). So does that mean I'm bad or just .... what? My ex(s?) would probably tell you differently because I could get them all damn close but just couldn't get it over that.... whatever. One guy I know for sure I wouldn't have been able to. He had the stamina of a .... I don't know something? But, I was with him for a year and he begged for more. Ugh!
Nuff embarassing myself with BJ talk.... and oh what was my point anyway? I was saying sex styles/preferences. I have never liked being on top. Never really felt good to me. There was one guy I was with that preferred this, fine. I did it with him but it was only okay, did nothing for me. But, I do like most other positions and I am very open to trying new things. I also like rough sex.... Ha, ha... I can hear Goofball laughing! But, its true expect with him so far, I just can't seem to want to have it too rough or hard or wild. I honestly like the way it is with him and I hate it to change, but it will and that's okay because it already has a little bit and it just got better so I am hoping for more of that getting more comfortable with each other to try new things and then maybe I will step out of my "holding back" mode that I'm in and let him see a little more of that side of me......
I can't believe I'm posting all this. I am just waiting for the emails and comments now.... I can see all the people coming here now because they did a search for "sex" and found me. That is another reason I haven't posted this before.
Well hope you were educated. Maybe more than you wanted!! Enjoy HMSF!!
You are The Star
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised
The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Well she told me that her dad broke that promise and now she cannot trust him. She did say she could trust me. I said are you saying that just to make me happy and because you think that is what I want to her? She looked me right in the face and said no, its the truth. So as we talked, I tried really hard, really hard! not to bad mouth her dad but also to discuss the issue and give respect or validation to her feelings. She can feel that distrust and I explained that was one of the many reasons that we got a divorce because he just couldn't keep promises to me. But, I did say, that does not mean you cannot learn to trust him again and that she really should give him another chance or two or three. You are his daughter and always will be. He loves you and he doesn't mean to do this to hurt you. While he shouldn't have promised you he wouldn't get remarried, he is and you need to give them a chance.
I'm so sad for her that she has found all this out about him. I had really hoped that he would not do this to them (hurt them) but as much as I want to hate him, I am happy that he has found someone that he loves enough to want to marry. He has always had a real knack for hurting the kids with his actions. He does a lot of things without thinking it out. You just do not make unrealistic promises to a child.... or anyone for that matter.
H is hurt by him too. He was sick yesterday and stayed home. He cleaned the whole house. Well it was pretty clean already but he just got all their stuff put away from being away and finished the dishes.... He has been different. Even 4 year old, L has been different. Quiet and won't talk much about the trip/visit. Today he started to say that he was getting a new brother (step-brother),but then stopped like he wasn't suppose to say it. I got him to talk about it and he smiled and sadly, he looked relieved to say something. I really hope the ex didn't tell them not to talk to me or something, or make it seem like it was suppose to be a big huge secret..... something.
When and if it is my turn to get remarried, especially if the kids are still young and living at home, I do not want to hurt them with it. I want them to give their true and honest blessing to me (I would love if the guy asked them for permission first before asking me). I will not be with someone that is going to disrespect my children and will know when things that are said should be kept private (K starting her period, not telling everyone in front of her!). And, being funny is one thing, but teasing in a mean and hurtful way will not be tolerated.
So I am walking that fine line between bad mouthing dad and biting my tongue, smiling and just nodding my head as I listen.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Now we are heading to my parents for lunch, plus my nephew rode up with me to pick them up so I have to return him.
In other news, my poor baby girl. She does not like her dad with his girlfriend. She says he is weird when he is with her and that this girl is mean to her. Bitch! She better not be. It really could be a teenager perspective but I think there is some truth there. It may be a little inflated for my benefit but ya know whatever. Oh and that the ring he got her is really big. K was describing it! I about lost it.... lol! It sounds like the same style as the one he gave me. That would be sooo funny. He gave it to me years ago when I realized we would sometime in the future get a divorce. I knew I didn't love him anymore. I called it the guilt ring. I gave it back to him. What if he just took "my" ring and had hers made from it.
Oh well kids are hungry. Gotta go!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Anyway, I have been reading blogs but not replying. I have tons of blog entries in the works.
But, for now, just know that all is well and I am enjoying my break from the kiddos, enjoying being out of school.
Monday, March 12, 2007
So how should one feel about this? I think what I feel is normal..... I am happy for him because she sounds like she really "gets him" and she has made some positive (yet weird to me) changes in him. But, on the other hand, this is someone I was with for 13 years and for him to move on so fast. Wow. Its a bit weird.
I still look to my Aunt A for the model of what a single mom should look like. I haven't talked about this yet but she is my idol! My hero in single motherhood. She took care of my cousin and waited until he was grown to find that special someone. Now I'm not saying I will wait that long but my kids come first, period. If I find someone and it just clicks and blah, blah, yadda, yadda.... well great but if not, I am willing to wait on the right time.
My point is I don't feel a rush or need to meet someone and get hitched just because he is. I'm a competitve soul but this is one thing I can deal with losing at. Why? because if I rush and it doesn't work then what do I have? Another divorce? Yep! Not doing that again. If (big if) I get remarried, I want it to be for love and nothing else. Not money, not a baby (like the first) or because I'm lonely.
It must be the right reason. Period.
The race at Vegas yesterday did not go well for Dale Jr. Now I don't remember what place he finished in but it couldn't have been good. He was doing great all day, was in the top 10 most of the race. Around lap 14 there was a caution which means a lot of people will make pit stops..... but the track officials will usually keep the pit lane closed until all the cars cirlce back around. He didn't realize it was closed and went in..... There was another driver in front of him and he pitted too but that was because he had trouble with his car, that is the only reason they could pit when it is closed. There was yet another driver behind Dale but he realized at the last second that pit lane was closed and was able to get back on the track. Sooooo anyway, Dale had to move from 5th to last place. Yikes! With only a few laps to go, I'm sure he didn't gain too many places. And, to top it all off Jimmie Johnson won. Great driver but I'm not a fan.
Then I got to see Goofball last night and wow, just had a good time. No an awesome time. We played Burnout on Playstation 2..... I love that game! He also agreed to watch the video scrapbook that my parents' made for me when I turned 30 (4 yrs ago)...... I thought that was pretty darn cool of him to watch it. And, in between that was just hung out and talked. I don't know yet when I will get to see him again but I'm sure that we will find some time in the next couple of months.
Overall I have a smile on my face and I'm tired as hell but ready to get down to work!
Thanks, Goofball for a good evening. Can't wait until next time.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
So day one went great. I finally, finally found a comforter that I like, no love. It was on sale and got some sheets (which weren't originally on my list) for more than half off.... ($120 -> $40).
Then I got some new blinds for most of the windows. There are 3 main windows: Living room, K's bedroom and my bedroom. And, they all needed new blinds. I got the 2" Faux wood ones. The cat will have a MUCH harder time bending these all to hell.
Had an appt at the salon. Niiiice. Gotta love "me" time.
Went to the store, got just a small cart of stuff.
Came home and cleaned like crazy. Ate a nice dinner in bed while watching a movie (Little Miss Sunshine..... because I am that far behind on movies).
Today is shaping up like this. I'm about to head over to Target. Why? Vacuum cleaner. Mine broke. It was a second-hand one from my mom. If I don't find one fairly cheap though, I might just try to fix this one yet again.
Then dad will be over to help me with the blinds.
NASCar is in Vegas, baby! Gotta watch at least part of the race, if not all of it.
Then get ready for my evening. What is this evening? Goofball. Nuff said.....
Hope everyone has a great Sunday..... and don't forget about the time change.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
The drop off went fine. I didn't cry.... almost but didn't. I did find out that the ex is moving in with his girlfriend.... Niiice. Oh well. What I think is the funniest part, he was scared to tell me. He still thinks I'm evil. Whatever!
So I just had to share that K called. She started her period (for the record not her first). She didn't want to tell her dad so she asked me too. Bhahaha! That was a funny conversation. My poor baby. She is still really embarassed about getting it and this is the worst time for her to get it.
Well off to my day of shopping and cleaning and me time and whatever else I feel like doing!
So I thought....what the heck, I got tons of those! Sooooo I am posting random things my kids have taken pics of! No people, sorry but lots of other fun stuff.
L took this of the inside of a laundry basket.
K's slippers that look like shoes.
My parents' pool.
Close-up of H's shirt.
A superhero that wanted to keep his idenity private.
Zoe in the dryer.
Inside of a wagon.
A blurry pic of my niece at Halloween. BTW - My mom painted the side of her garage, like it?
And, lastly a sleeping Sebastian.
Friday, March 09, 2007
I'm looking forward to it. The boys are looking forward to it. I'm sure the ex is. But, K not so much. The first reason is leaving her friends. She is at that age when friends are far more important than family. The other reason is that the ex plans to introduce the kids to his girlfriend (and I think her kids). Fine. But, K is freaking out about it. So I told her this:
"Give her a fair chance. Don't just judge her right off and if you have any thoughts that liking her would be betraying me. Don't worry. It is fine. You can like her if you want to."
I know she is worried about that and I just want her to know that it is okay. I plan to make sure they know I love them which I know they know. I tell them all the time to the point I get the eye rolls and "Mom! I know." to which I usually do a super mushy voice saying, "But I lovey you." They usually laugh a bit.
I know I am going to miss them like crazy but I am also really looking forward to some much needed alone time! And, ya know what is really sad, one of the things I am must looking forward to...... Cleaning my house. Yeah I'm getting old.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Don't ya just love days like this!? (hee, heee.... ) I can cry and get mad, or I can laugh.... well I decided to laugh!
Of course that doesn't get the gifts there but I am working on another plan.
Today I went over to the caferteria at work. I was in line to get my food. (Chicken and veggies, yum). When it was my turn, I ordered and moved to the very end of the counter thingy, the "pick-up" part. The guy behind me should have stayed at the "order" part.... but instead stayed right with me like glue. "Hello moron, personal space. This is my bubble, get the f#$% out of it!" For the record, there was nobody behind him there was no reason for him to move forward or be soooo close to me. As it was he was yelling to people that were already sitting down. "Ah come on. Shut up and back the f$%^ up!"
I just took my food, smiled, paid and came running back to my quiet, empty office to hide!
I'm not having a good week with my whole anxiety being elevated. My anxiety level is near another breaking point and that really, really didn't help it at all. (I'm sure it is elevated because of taking the kids to the ex tomorrow but that's a whole other story.)
Oh well, what can I do? Nothing. It just gives me something fun to blog about!!!!
Okay honestly, I would love to write a book about depression, anxiety and mental health. I still believe there is a whole stigma (or maybe a different word... but what I mean is it is still fairly hush-hush, don't talk about it stuff) about mental health but so many more people than we realize suffer from it. People that on the outside look and act perfectly normal but are screaming on the inside. I do think with the whole blogging thing, more people are admitting to mental health problems but I still don't think there is enough awareness of it or how to fix it or signs you have a problem and on and on and on.....
I lost my point.... Oh yes..... I don't like people in my personal space or as my kids say "My bubble."
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
So on Rod Ryan's show they were talking about things women do on first dates that don't get them a call back..... It was interesting and I don't believe I have ever done those on a first date. Like dominate the conversation, talk about past boyfriends/spouse (a mention maybe okay but not a whole thing about it), don't act too clingy/into him right then, don't get into "hot" topic or debate...... A caller mentioned something she likes to talk about (She likes sports, porn and video games). Rod said, "Don't try to be the cool chic. The dude will figure it out on his own if you are cool or not. Don't try to push it by making up scenarios to make yourself look cool."
This reminded me that I have been called a cool chic recently. However, yesterday I feel like I blew it. All my coolness was gone with one single email, or at least that is how I feel today. I may be overacting which is so not like me..... (evil laugh).... Okay I overact a little bit! So sue me!
Anyway, on Sam's show they were talking about emails you regret sending.... (See how these all go together!)..... Umm, hell yeah I regret sending emails. Now don't get me wrong I do try to live by the whole "No regret" thing. But I can admit that I make mistakes. I'm not perfect, never claimed to be and except in jest would never say I was perfect. So when mistakes are made all I can do is say "Damn that sucks." and just file it under "What the hell was I thinking" crossed referenced to "Lessons Learned."
What's the point of this? Yesterday for whatever reason I had a panic or anxiety attack. This scared me a bit because I don't know why it happened. I felt fine, a bit overwhelmed by work but I love it. I love the adrenaline of it...... but I just suddenly went into an attack. Prior to July 2005 I used to get them pretty darn regularly but once I took control of my life and made a decision to get a divorce.... I felt good, happy and the attacks were almost non-existent....
I reached out to many people yesterday just to take my mind off of the attack. My life is pretty darn good and so I don't need to vent or have someone solve something. I just needed a distraction and I got it so no big deal at all.... But, one of those I reached out to has a full plate (this is a bit of an underestimate but I can't think of a better way to say that) and I understand that. I truly do. I don't want this person to feel bad for anything. I have a million (okay not a million but a lot) of people I reach out to in times of need. Not everyone can reach back and that's cool that is why I surround myself with so many supportive people because someone is always there. (I talked for close to an hour with a friend in Boston and then IMed with one of my best ever friends dating back to high school. He can see right through me.)
So to all my friends, just thanks for being my friend. It is all give and take. Sometimes there is more taking, sometimes more giving.... It is the balance of the two over time that counts. I get enough to make me happy and I have no intentions of changing any of my friends. :)
Enjoy the day!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I have no way to calm myself right now either so I'm reaching out to the blogging world as a way to try and calm myself. If I write maybe I will relax. Music is not working.....
I can't stop shaking and it is freaking me out! Do I "sound" panicked? I am!
Okay enough of my weirdness. I just had to put it out there in the hopes that I can calm down. I want to but my mind and body are not in sync. Maybe I should revisit the whole Paxil or Zoloft thing again.
UPDATE: Still a few hours later, I'm still feeling not quite right though the attack itself is over. Ya know that feeling after you have worked out like crazy and you can feel fatigue in all your muscles even your hair hurts? Yeah that is what this feels like and I feel like crying now that the actual attack part is over. I think it is a combination of craziness at work and the fact that I was talking with the ex via email all day (ironing out details for the kids' visit this weekend/next week). I am sure I will feel better soon.... I will head to the bath soon and enjoy the stress reliever foaming bath that my wonderful friend gave me for my Bday! So panic attack over..... body will be back to normal soon....
Monday, March 05, 2007
I have been going to this website for months to see if my blog is worth anything and each time it says $0.00.... Well finally, yes finally it is worth something.
No, no, sadly nobody sends me a check but it is just an "if" type of thing. I just need to figure out how to market myself better.
Click the ads! Visit some of the links! Post some comments for me! I love to get the feedback and hear your reactions to my words. And, please feel free to add to link to me....
My 1995 Chevy Suburban who has been a thorn in my side since the ex and I decided to get a divorce and I had to give up my love (Navigator) and had to take this on as my vehicle....
Well since then it has cost me an arm and a leg. Hindsight being what it is, I should have dumped it this past summer but now I'm just in too deep to go back now. We are stuck together like glue for at least 6 more months.... but probably more.
So last night I drove out to see Goofball (Yay!) and on the way home, the Sub died. It had been sounding funny all day so I wasn't surprised. Thankfully it started up again. Then it did it again this morning on the way to drop L off at day care. Off to the shop we go. My mom to the rescue in her newer Suburban. She let's me take it to work.
The call came in later. Now don't ask me what it is..... I just said "How much? How long do you have to keep it this time?" Not terrible but not good either. Around $300 for the part and labor. I told them to go ahead with an oil change, et al because it was waaaaaay overdue and I was secretly thinking I might have killed my car for good.
Well during the test drive, they found that the transmission was not right. It would go straight to 2nd gear. (I knew it!!! I'm not crazy!) Thankfully this was covered service because they had just replaced the transmission for me a few months ago.
So I'm in a rental for a few days (they are paying for it).
Definitely a Monday type of thing to happen and on one of the worst Mondays too. Work is beyond busy and I am dropping balls left and right. April could not get here fast enough for me! :)
Sunday, March 04, 2007
I love my job!!
So then personal life looks a bit like this for the next, I would guess 2 months or so.
This coming weekend, take the kids to their dad. We have agreed to start meeting halfway to do the "kid drop".
Hopefully the big schedule wheel of fortune will also land so that Goofball and I will get to see each other..... If not, this will probably be the last chance for me to see him for a while. No Fridays together this month, just as much my schedule as his. (April doesn't look much more promising)
So the weekend of March 9-11 should be a good weekend.
Then the next weekend, I have a family party at my cousin's, J, house. It is for me, our grandmother, another cousin and J's girlfriend. We are the March bdays.
Pick the kiddos up on Sunday.
Hopefully the next two weekends will be fairly quiet because I have to get ready for April.....
Of course there is Easter Weekend, then a cousin's wedding (other side of family), then a trip to Dallas to meet up with my awesome friends!!!, then a family reunion the next and then another cousin is getting married and then I think we are at mother's day. By then school is almost out! and the kiddos will be going to their dad's for most of the summer. But first they want to have an end of the year party (this is Party Central afterall).
But, ya know, during all this, the kiddos are signed up for Baseball (H) and Soccer (K & L). So I am sure there will be games on the weekends, practice during the week.
What did I get myself into! :)
Just kidding! I'm soooo not complaining. I like it, I love it!
Anyway, just sharing as I don't know if I will as much time to write but I definitely will try. I like having this outlet for my thoughts. It is my brain dumping ground for the most part.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
I blogged about this over the summer but just to recap.
This time last year the ex and I had plans to move back in together. We had not lived together in about 8-9 months. We were looking at houses because this one is just too small for us. We are people that need space. Anywho. For my birthday last year, we all took a trip to San Antonio. Neither the kiddos nor the ex had ever been out there so off we went.
Good weekend. I thought for sure things had turned and we might be able to make it work but not just because of that weekend, it was months and months of talking and listening. We were looking for a counselor, looking for a house. Well about mid-March things changed. His voice, his mannerisms, etc. I knew that was it, no turning back. We filed. I don't regret it for one minute. He moved to Dallas and we, of course, stayed here.
The days got easier, the feelings went away. I tend to be a very jealous person.... VERY jealous. So hearing about his life was hard. He had so much.... and while I had the kids, I didn't have help and they don't have him. But, even that is gone. I feel nothing.... Today I was listening to some random music, Nick Lachey's "I can't hate you anymore" came on. I guess I kind of feel like that. There have been bumps to get to this point. I haven't shared them all but the good news the bumps get smaller and farther apart.
The latest bump is that we don't talk on the phone anymore. For a while we would have regular chats, just as friends which I thought was great. But, something changed, and now we only talk via text messaging and email. That hurt for a second but ya know, I guess it is the right thing.
But, really, for me, I'm happy with my life. I cannot complain about anything.... well I could but why? I have a really great life. Great friends. My kids are wonderful!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each offense and added up your total fine. When you are done, blog it. Title your post "My fine is $....."You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
1. Smoked pot -- $10
2. Did acid -- $5
3. Ever had sex at church -- $25
4. Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
5. Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
6. Had sex for money -- $100
7. Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
8. Vandalized something -- $20
9. Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
10. Beat up someone -- $20
11. Been jumped -- $10
12. Crossed dressed -- $10
13. Given money to stripper -- $25
14. Been in love with a stripper -- $20
15. Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
16. Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
17. Ever drive drunk -- $20
18. Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
19. Used toys while having sex -- $30
20. Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
21. Went skinny dipping -- $5
22. Had sex in a pool -- $20
23. Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
24. Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
25. Cheated on your significant other -- $10
26. Masturbated -- $10
27. Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
28. Done oral -- $5
29. Got oral -- $5
30. Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
31. Stole something -- $10
32. Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
33. Made a nasty home video -- $15
34. Had a threesome -- $50
35. Had sex in the wild -- $20
36. Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
37. Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
38. Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
39. Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
40. Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
41. Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
42. Went streaking -- $5
43. Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
44. Been arrested -- $5
45. Spent time in jail -- $15
46. Peed in the pool -- $0.50
47. Played spin the bottle -- $5
48. Done something you regret -- $20
49. Had sex with your best friend -- $20
50. Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
51. Had anal sex -- $80
52. Lied to your mate -- $5
53. Lied to your mate a bout the sex being good -- $25
Tally it up and post it in comments...please!
So not too much planned (Go visit a friend of mine and her cutie little boy, then go to lunch tomorrow with my folks). But, I wanted to share something a bit silly I did..... I bought some things from Old Navy for myself but not only did I buy these for myself for my birthday, I had them gift wrapped and wrote myself a card! Yep, that is what type of girl I am! It seems silly maybe but ya know, it makes it all really exciting.
So in honor of my Bday, I wanted to share a few things about this day!
This day in history:
1836 - Texas declared its independence from Mexico and an ad interim government was formed.
1861 - The U.S. Congress created the Territory of Nevada.
1866 - Excelsior Needle Company began making sewing machine needles.
1901 - The first telegraph company in Hawaii opened.
1908 - In Paris, Gabriel Lippmann introduced three-dimensional color photography at the Academy of Sciences.
1933 - The motion picture King Kong had its world premiere in New York.
1969 - In Toulouse, France, the supersonic transport Concorde made its first test flight. 1974 - Postage stamps jumped from 8 to 10 cents for first-class mail. 1984 - The first McDonald's franchise was closed. A new location was opened across the street from the old location in Des Plaines, IL.
1998 - Images from the American spacecraft Galileo indicated that the Jupiter moon Europa has a liquid ocean and a source of interior heat.
2004 - NASA announced that the Mars rover Opportunity had discovered evidence that water had existed on Mars in the past.
Sam Houston 1793 (which as a Texan, I find freakin' cool!)
Dr. Suess 1904
Desi Arnaz 1917
Jennifer Jones 1919
Doc Watson 1923
John Cullum 1930
Tom Wolfe 1931
Mikhail Gorbachev 1931
Al Waxman 1934
Doug Watkins 1934
Paul Dino 1939
Barbara Luna 1939
Jon Finch 1941
John Irving 1942
Lou Reed (Velvet Underground) 1942
Eddie Money 1949
Karen Carpenter (The Carpenters) 1950
Cassie Yates 1951
Laraine Newman 1952
Jay Osmond (The Osmond Brothers) 1955
Mark Evans (AC/DC) 1956
John Cowsill (The Cowsills) 1956
Kevin Curren 1958
Larry Stewart (Restless Heart) 1959
Jon Bon Jovi 1962
Casey (Jimmie's Chicken Shack) 1976
Heather McComb 1977
Chris Martin (Coldplay) 1977
Robert Iler 1985