Monday, October 23, 2006

Mommy Guilt

Almost as long as I have been a mom, I have been a working mom. With this comes a certain level of guilt. Leaving your child in the care of someone else and working for 8-10 hours a day. Do dads feel this the way moms do? I don't really know. My ex didn't seem to have a problem with it. He could be gone for 15-18 hours at a time.... but ya know this isn't about him!

Anyway, over the years that mommy guilt about day care has faded at least with the two older kids. I got them happily and securely to the ages of 12 and 10, currently. They know I love them, they know how to take care of themselves for their age, etc, etc, etc. They have great memories from growing up and never mention how I left them in day care but then they were in it less hours during the day than L is currently. They were in day care only about 8 hrs a day, while L is currently in day care more like 11 hrs a day.

So he is 4 yrs old. The first 3 mths of his life I was home with him, then my mom watched him during the day until he was about 8-9 mths old. He went to day care for the first time after that for about 3 mths. Then I started to stay home with him. So for the next 2 yrs I was a Stay at home mom. This was from about May 2003 - July 2005.

In August 2005, I started working again. He was sooo ready to go to day care or like he calls it "school". He has done great with it. I could not be more proud of him. He has just learned so much over the last year plus....

This past week after a really rough morning, we drive over to the school. He didn't say a word the whole trip. We get there, I get him out of his car seat and he stops, looks at the day care and says in the sweetest, most sincere voice.... "I really like this school.".... I paused, heart melting, mommy guilt fading. I smiled and said, "I'm so glad you like it."

So maybe all the hours he is spending at day care aren't too bad. I mean I spent a lot of time picking this place. I spent years molding this child to be this great kid and now he is growing and learning in a new way.

And, my mommy guilt over it is fading fast!

Thursday, October 12, 2006


So much for my diet. I have been really sick.... Upper respiratory infection was what the doctor said, but I'm thinking it feels more flu like. But, he is the doc.

It kind of sucks being a single mom with the dad living a million miles away and being sick. Heck, he probably won't help me much if he was here but still.

My mom is going to help me with picking up L from day care this afternoon but otherwise I haven't asked her for much help. I drove L to school with all intentions of me going to work today. It was once I was on the road that I realized I was a danger to myself and others. I dropped him off and came home.

I better get in bed. I didn't cook dinner for the past 2 nights, I better save my energy so I can feed them something tonight....

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

One thing I miss

about having a husband.....

It is 2:00 am. Yes you are reading that right. I woke up and then couldn't fall back asleep. I have been having trouble with sleeping lately and need some comfort to go back to sleep. Between bad dreams and my racing mind, well, it has been a bit hard to fall back asleep.

The first was last week, I had a really bad dream and really just needed a strong arm around me. I used to wake the ex up (of course when he wasn't the ex) and he would hold me when I would have a bad dream and just tell me it would be okay.

Now tonight, I really need that again. Even if I don't need the arm, just to look across the bed and see the man I love there sleeping.... well.... I miss that a lot. It offered a lot of comfort.

And while I'm not nearly ready to jump back into anything for the sake of nightly comfort, I will look forward to that some day in my future.... I hope.

But, for tonight and probably many more nights to come, I will use my computer to get some comfort and this blog will just get longer and longer.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Day two

Sooo day two didn't go as well as day one but I'm still motiviated!

I cheated a bit with a Moolatte from DQ... If you don't know what this is, its coffee and ice cream topped with whipped cream..... ooooohhhhhh soooo bad! but just what the doctor ordered for today.

Otherwise, I was a good girl. Well that and the Smirnoff Ice I'm drinking.... this is probably NOT on my diet plan. But, again, just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, I had a bit of a stressful day and I'm fighting a bit of "whoa is me" depression.

The ex is regretting his decision which has me in a tailspin. No I don't want him back. I like my life now but there will probably always be that "what if" factor there since there was no real deal breaker and minus a few communication problem and his indecision.... Ya know except for the disrespect we so clearly showed each other (I will take some credit for being disrespectful as well.)

Sooooo anyway, that's my life right now on day two of my diet.... (evil laugh).....

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Day one is almost over

Well I made it through day one of the diet and it wasn't too bad. Okay so I cheated once with a few sips of Dr Pepper at the movies today. Otherwise, I did great!!!

I didn't workout today but that is my plan for first thing in the morning. Walk away the pounds at 5 am.... isn't that the life? Ha, ha.... But all kidding aside, I love that video and can't wait to do it. It works GREAT!

So I feel really great about this and I know that with one day down, I know I can do this.

Diet - Day One

So I have officially started on Day One, South Beach Diet. Cross your fingers for me that I can stick to it. Last time I did this, I lost about 25lbs in just about 2 months and then back slid way over that! I was well over 200 lbs. It was sooo gross. Now I'm down a good 15-20 lbs from that and two sizes smaller.

My motiviation so far is the fact that I bought 3 of the Perfect Fit tees from Old Navy in a smaller size and they fit great but I could use a tiny bit more off for them to be PERFECT... but I LOVE IT!!!!

I plan to work out later today too!

I'm really excited about it and just hope that I can do it this time. I know that my problem in the past has been getting the fire put out by negativitiy. Since that doesn't live here anymore, I think I can do it. I know I can.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Let Freedom Ring

I love, love, love the freedom I have in my life now!

Today I had planned to do the usual: cleaning, schoolwork, etc. However, when I woke up, I just had this bug to get out and do, see and be! So got the kids up, called my mom because I knew she was solo this weekend and we headed to Galveston! Its home to me because that is where both my parents are from and my paternal grandmother, not to mention I was born there.

We get there and did the Railroad Museum, which was great. I love going there because my paternal grandparents were the first ones to take me there and they told me stories of when my grandfather came to visit her. It was sweet. Well today was the first time my mom had been to the museum. She had traveled from there when it was an active rail station. She loved it! I'm so glad I called her to go with us.

We then headed down the Strand. This is an area that is both historic and has shopping! We ate lunch on the patio of Fuddrucker's (burger place). Ducked in a few shops and then headed to the beach.... the route we went took us right past my mom's family home.... The new owners have painted it some funky colors but it still looks like "home".

The beach was great. It was amazing, awesome, spectacular weather!!!!! It could not have been a better day.

But really the best part is that I got up, didn't have to ask anyone else what they wanted to do (well the kids but they really didn't have a choice). I get to make the decisions. I don't have to discuss my plans with anyone though I don't mind sharing.

I know in the future this will be something I will look for in another person. Someone that is willing to be spontaneous enough to just get up and go, within the restrains of our situation (my and/or his kids if they still live at home)….. but not just that, but someone who WANTS to go out and do things, not just talk about doing things. Or someone that doesn’t just want to discuss it to death or can’t miss any sports at all to go. I mean I am an understanding person. The Big Game is the big game and you might not want to miss that, but EVERY game?!?

Sorry this is starting to turn in to a vent, rather the screaming from the rooftops excitement blog it was suppose to be!

I feel soooo good about life right now. Even with my overwhelming responsibility feelings and the nagging depression I have some times. Overall, I love my life. I’m happy and free.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Setting goals; sticking to it

This is my pledge to myself. I will lose this weight. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm just tired of it all.

I need some, something..... I know what to do. I know how to do it. I just need to do it. No I must do it!

So I have a plan. I have goals and I'm putting this out here so I that I feel like I have some accountability to actually do it!

My reward for doing this.... That I haven't figured out. Maybe if I can keep it off by the summer, I will take the kids on a great vacation! Or maybe I will buy myself the car I have only been dreaming about. Definitely new clothes!!!! and shoes and maybe a purse or two or three (I love purses)

Whatever I decide one thing I want to keep in mind "Slow and steady wins the race."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The first major decision

To go or to stay? Should I go out of my way to take the kids to see their dad..... or do I just go with our usual weekend and suck it up as him making a bad decision by moving more than 100 miles away?

Each day I leave the house by 6:45 am (this is at the latest). I get home normally around 6:00-6:15 pm. That's a long day. Then dinner, hang with kids, schoolwork most nights for at least an hour or two, cleaning up..... and then in bed between 9:30 - 10:00 (that's on a good night!).

The weekends are spent doing errands, grocery shopping, and the heavier cleaning/laundry that I just can't get to during the week. It is also when I will write or work on my major project for school. Then, hello, I do try to get some down time over the weekend too. Sleep in a tiny bit but can't seem to sleep past 7:00 which is fine.

So should I give up my routine, my weekend, my only time to get the cleaning done, my really good study time so I can let him see the kids and of course them see him? Now I will give him a break on the Navigator falling apart. that is out of his hands. However, why should I go out of my way when he hasn't for a month? He has had weekend after weekend to get down here to see them. Yet when he finally has plans to come, he can't? He could rent a car, borrow a car... something! I rented a car for 2 weeks. He can for a weekend, right?

I really want to be the bigger person but I also believe in consequences of actions. His action was to move and he knew the distance would make it hard to see the kids, yet he did it anyway.

What have I decided to do?

We shall stay home and stick to our routine. I hate to do this to the kiddos but I'm sure when they have clean clothes next week, groceries in the frig and when mom finishes her degree, they will be happy and understand.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Feeling better

I'm slowly feeling better. Less like being on a sinking ship. Less overwhelmed.

It was a good day at work. A good day in general. Dinner was made, leftover soup from yesterday. Kids are happy, not fighting. My schoolwork is complete, class is going well. Money stuff is going okay, I do need to sit down and figure out my bills but should have enough to pay them! That is good news.

The only bad thing is I think the ex is going to bale out on the kids for the weekend. He was suppose to come see them but something is wrong with the car and he said he will probably not come. I realize that this is out of his hands but at the same time, I feel like he should go out of his way to see them since he hasn't seen them in more than a month.

But ya know, that isn't going to ruin anything. I feel good. The kids are happy, healthy and I'm here for them.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Sinking Ship

Have you ever felt like you are on a sinking ship? You see the life boats, the life vests and could easily jump over, but don't want to give up hope that the ship won't sink.

I don't know..... but this thought just came to mind. I guess I'm kind of feeling this way lately....