There I said it! I can't believe after all this time I am still very bitter and angry about it. I actually just got in a really heated discussion (okay a fight) with my ex about it. It freakin' sucks! He of course says I made my choice first which led him to move over 200 miles away. But whatever!
So our custody agreement is really not an agreement in writing so much as it is just .... well a mess. I can only count on certain times of the year that he will for sure have the kids. A week at Christmas, Spring break and at least a month (or a bit more) in the Summer. That's it. Anything else is kind of a surprise. This past year he did come help out a few times so I could travel for either work or pleasure. However, I can't always count on it.
I mean if he lived in town, we could do the every other weekend thing. Then that is something I could count on and plan for.
But don't get me wrong, I love being here for my kids just about everyday. They know I am here. They know what they get from me.
Selfishly I wish I could have more me time. I have things I want to do and most of them involve spending really good alone time with Goofball.... I loved having the house to myself this summer. I loved having him here with me. We could just get up and do or hang out without being disturbed or worrying about "will the kids hear"... It is really selfish but I really like my relationship with him and I feel like everyday is so special. I always feel like everyday I don't see him, I am wasting time, losing time or something like that.
Now that sounds like I am super clingy... Yeah maybe a little but honestly I also like it when he gets some guy time with his friends (or cousins or just for himself). It is really good for both of us to have that time.
I want to develop my friendships as well. I have some really great friends that I never get to see! I have "Working Moms" guilt still over working all day and then going out at night. I don't know how to balance it even after all this time. I guess it is really more "Single mom" guilt and "You're dad isn't here so I feel the need to make it up to you and overcompensate therefore not having a life myself" guilt.
There is also the fact I just don't think I can leave them for long because my daughter is really at an age that I feel I need to be here. She is a Sophomore now in High school. If I am out, what is she doing? I come home to a house full of teens and no matter how many rules I make, I have to work and she knows it. Therefore, she has her friends come while I am at work. I did it too! I am scared! Thankfully her brothers are around but how much longer can I count on them to keep her out of some trouble. Not much.... The one son is a teenager too.
So those are my dilemmas and hatred at my custody agreement. I don't get "me" time. I don't get "couple" time and I worry about leaving for long periods of time because I have two teens now.
Granted even if their dad lived here, would I really get my time? I don't know but I can dream. It is kind of the grass being greener thinking that leaves me bitter. I know I need to let that go because it is really only hurting me and there is NOTHING I can do about it. He will never live here and I will never live there. (Okay I say I will never but if there was a job.... I might)
I guess I just need to figure out how to balance my life and to balance being a mom to teens.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
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10 comments:
Awww sweetie *hugs* Zero help here; I have my hands full keeping up with a house, spouse and pets. I have NO IDEA how single folks with kids do it. Can you talk to your ex after you both have had some cooling-off time? I think you have a pretty good relationship with his SO, am I right? Would she be someone to talk to?
It is not selfish to want and need the "me time" and couple time with Goofball. You cannot take care of others without first taking care of yourself...it's a lesson we women are conditioned NOT to learn but we really need to learn it.
I guess you could look at other situations and maybe consider yours not so bad. I mean, you could have twin boys, 4years old, one with special needs...oh, and the father, just started paying child support less than a year ago...did i mention, that "father" has never seen what his children look like and refuses too...But, then, someone will read this and see ME as whining, someone will have a worst case scenerio and wander why IM crying...so, someone out there always has it worse....
Here is a custody story that you may relate tohttp://www.diyfather.com/content/separation-is-tough-but-keep-the-kids-out-of-the-nastiness
I agree with Margaret and I hope things will work out for you and the kids.
Its so tough not to have the support...I found that treating the ex's relief of the kids as a pleasant surprise has opened my mind to all sorts of possibilities. I have a 2 year old, so its quite different, but I've found movie nights that give me 3 hours of me time, and friends that are willing to help regularly. Let go of what he should be doing and other opportunities may present themselves.
Good luck! It's totally OK to want you time - I don't think there's any great arrangement that makes everything work, but, like all things in life, nearly every other arrangement will seem better.
I can really related to your post. I am the sole parent of two young boys and it is tough. Most of the time I am thankful my ex recognized that he wasnt healthy enough to care for them but it would still be really nice to have an ex I could co-parent with.
I'm on the same shoes and I believe on what you said. Though we're in different country, we have different culture but somehow we have the same story. Only my kid is just 1 year old and the daddy only visit her if he wants. There was once a time that he didn't show up for 5 months. No phone call or support at all. My then social life is so active. But when I got a baby everything's change and I need a jillion of adjustment. And I always think that life is too unfair for me. The dad might be somewhere hanging out with his peers all night, very carefree and nothing to worry about. While me, just at home taking care of my daughter after a long day of work thinking of the next day where to borrow some money to buy her basic needs coz I still have to wait for a week to get my salary. I don't even have my own savings for rainy days but somehow I manage to be tough for my baby because I know, I can only depend on myself. What I did is I made everything in a legal way. All I want is written on the paper black and white signed by me, him and our lawyer. I made it fair for the two of us.I am tired of complaining all the time at least he have to do something and he have to find ways to meet my demands.I have to make life easy for me. If you want somebody to share ideas with, email me at ellemah@yahoo.com I think I also need to share or get some ideas from someone with the same situation as mine.
I know how you feel, although I have never had any help from the "father" he doesn't chose to see our son; so therefore I juggle a fulltime job, my son from the minute I'm off work and since we don't share custody...I have no break ever. I'm only 27 and haven't dated in 4 years and since my friends are mostly married or have a boyfriend...I don't have much time with them either. Recently I turned to singleandparenting.org and has a lot of helpful info. :)
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