Nothing to say

That's it. I just have nothing to say right now. I have tons of little things I am working on..... I have a notebook and I'm writing tons of notes in it.

Anyway. Kids are great. I am doing well. And, just hanging out when I can with Goofball which is always a good time.

Home life could use a better balance and I am super busy at work.... well actually right now is the calm before the storm. It is that almost creepy stillness just before all hell breaks loose.

And really, that is it. No venting, no complaining, no whining though I'm sure I could find something to say that falls into each of those.... but I won't give in. I will just continue smiling and enjoying life.

Wow

I just had one of the best nights. *grin* The perfect walk on the beach weather.

That is all. I just want to remember this night and putting it in my blog, I will at least know what night it was.

Attitude Matters

Sorry readers, I'm not going to vent here today. I know a small few said I could but I feel so .... I don't know... guilty when I complain or vent. It just sounds petty. Truly it is just trivial stuff.

So rather than bore you with my whining and petty stuff, I'm going to talk about "attitude matters." This is a phrase I have been toting all over work lately.

See I work in HR and my primary focus is college recruiting. Compared to where I have worked before, at this company HR doesn't actually go to the campuses and do the recruiting, rather we have teams from all of our departments that do it for us. We train them as recruiters and they bring us the candidates. I find it interesting because basically they are picking the candidates that will later be their co-workers.

Anyway, sometimes people on the teams will whine about the process. Some much louder than others. This past year we have had a lot of changes to our process and to the software we use. Oh btw, I work in the Information Technology department, this is who we recruit for....

So we have this new database software this past year and being that most of the people that should be using it are Computer Science majors, Electronic Engineers and the like, you would think that they would be okay with changes like this. Nay, not true. I find this software easy peesy but they find it very difficult and I really think it is more resistance to change than the actual software.

Sooooo I have been saying in all the training classes and meetings, Attitude Matters. Meaning if we (HR) have a positive attitude about the changes, then maybe the others would feel better about it. But even some of the folks in HR are whining about the change (it came from much higher up).

And, ya know, I have a lot of little stressors in my life, especially lately. Yet everyday I wake up and rather than dread the day for the things I know will be wrong (kid school problems are not solved... so it happens everyday), I will make myself smile, I will make myself be positive that despite anything that could go wrong, it will be a good day. Even when things go wrong, I still try to shake it off and move on forward with a positive attitude.

Granted I may wallow in it a little bit. I may even vent, whine, complain but it is more a purging action. Get out the toxic feeling because only then I can get it out and feel better.

Still I feel guilty over it because I don't want others to feel bad. I mean overall my life is pretty darn good and I know, I know that others have it worse than me. I have my family, a house, a car, a good job....which someone I love reminded me of this week that others live in much worse conditions.

Life is stressful and full of twists and turns, but it is how we deal with it and our attitude that truly matters.

Full brain

I seem to have writer's block because my brain is full. I can't seem to unblock it and even though blogging is how I normally do it.... I can't seem to get what is in my brain out!

I'm stressed. I'm frustrated. I want to scream. It has all caught up.

So I apologize for the lack of reading material. I apologize for the lack of comments on your own blogs.

I just cannot focus.

I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to be venting to anyone else that will listen and just hope that this clears up.

I love blogging!

September 9

September 9 is always a special day for me. I talked about it here last year too. It was a point in my life that changed the rest of it.

To back up, in May 1992, I was out of high school and had just spent the last year in community college and working full-time at Burger King. I wanted to move out on my own but couldn't afford it, wanted to get out of my life so to speak. I felt like I was at a cross roads. I didn't feel like I could go forward, I definitely couldn't go back. I needed to do something big, life changing and then the recruiter called. I think they have ESP or something.

So I signed on up and my date was picked..... I don't remember my original date because that summer my dad's only sister had a liver transplant and I asked to push my date back so that I could be with my family a little bit longer.

Fine. September 9, 1992 it was.

It was a life changing decision. It was a life changing experience.

And, if you know me, making decisions is not easy for me and especially not something this huge!

I'm glad I did it. Sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten out. It was a good decision at the time for me and my kids. My life wouldn't be what it is now, had I stayed in. Rather than play the "What if" game, I just enjoy what I have.

Fighting, fighting and more fighting

I can't stand fighting. I hate it. I don't like doing it and I hate it being around me.

My kids fight more than any people I know. It wears me out. I am actually physical ill right now over the fighting. Each day, each week, each month as they get older, it gets worse and worse.

There is a lot of frustration with the age gaps. K&H are 19 months apart, L is 6/12 and 8 yrs younger than the other two....Not planned it just happens. The older two are competitive thanks to their father (yes, seriously). I know a lot of exes will blame things on the other but ask the kids too. He used to compare them with each other when disciplining them. "H why did you do that? K would have never done that, would you K?" Seriously a conversation that was had all the time when they were growing up. It drove me crazy. There was other things like this. With friends, grades, toys, clothes. He could turn everything into comparing them and he did it in front of them. It was usually H being the scapegoat if you will and yet this kid turns to the dad every time something happens.

L as just always tried to keep up with them. He is so far behind and right now he is at an age that he can almost do things but still a little physically and verbally behind. He is getting there slowly.

So today for example. I'm asleep. L and H were awake. L comes and asks me if he could eat some pepperonis that we had. I think I mumbled "Whatever".... he turned to H and said that means yes. H said no it doesn't and then they started arguing. But at least left my room to do it. Next thing I hear is L yelling out in pain and crying. I get up and L is doubled over holding his stomach. He is 100 pounds lighter and almost 7 years younger than H. So of course I ask H what happened and he starts in, "you always blame me!" and so then we start fighting.

I walk off because well 1 I had to pee and 2 I wanted to put my glasses on so I could see! (I can't see without my glasses.)

I come back and H is on the phone with his dad. WTF?! I didn't even have a chance to talk to them both. Yes both because I know L is just as much to blame for the fighting.

I'm pissed. I'm seeing red pissed. Now wait don't get me wrong, he has every right in the World to talk to his dad. I just feel like dad gets to be the good guy and I have to be the bad guy. I guess I signed up for this but .... wait a minute! He did too when we become parents. When we decided we would have unprotected sex so we could have a baby...... both being naive not really thinking it would happen the very first time.... but I'm just sayin', he had a commitment same as me. And where is he? 4-5 hours away. See he gets to be the fun dad, that sees them a few times a year and for a long visit in the summer. He gets to telephone parent. Be the Popsicle Dad.

But, I made a commitment to these kids, these people that I will be here for them. I will be here when they are sick. When they need to talk, need a hug, need school supplies or money or a ride somewhere. I get all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s.....

If it means I have to endure more fighting to have all the other things, I will do it. I just need to vent sometimes because I soooo can't stand fighting. :)

Quote of the Day

I haven't done one of these in a while.... Enjoy.

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

The long weekend and a sick day

I had a nice long weekend. I love my job because I get every other Friday off. This past Friday was my day off. So four day weekend. Whoohooo......

I spent it doing just what I wanted, sort of. Friday was great. Got to spend time with Goofball. Some much needed sex time that is. Gawd I needed that! That's all I will say.

Then napped. Nice deep sleep that one can only have after great sex. Then Friday night took the kids out for dinner. Had a big smile even when Logan was throwing a fit. He is still adjusting to all day without a nap. Takes after his mom.

Then Saturday, I have no idea what we did but before I knew it it was the afternoon and I had done nothing. It was actually kinda nice but also stressful because I had so much to do.

I went to visit my grandmother (mom's mom) who was staying at their house pet sitting while my parents were in Colorado visiting my baby brother and his family. They got some gooood pictures of the boys. Anyway, so visited my grandmother. Showed her the presentation I am working on for my parents' 35 anniversary. She liked it but we started talking about pictures she had. So I called my Aunt and I ended up over there. I got a huge bag full of pictures.

Then on Sunday, got up made breakfast for the kids. They loved it. Then I scanned pictures all day, and cropped, resized, rotated, etc all the pictures and worked on the presentation all day.

Goofball came by and we went out. I was kinda in a weird mood by then. I was looking through family pictures all day and it was weird because there were pictures of my cousin. He committed suicide when he was 15. I think I was around 17 years old at the time. Nobody really talks about him and it is makes me sad. But, Goofball is always fun to hang out with so I was snapped out of it and then I was focusing on not ripping all his clothes off.

Monday I got up and made another good breakfast for the kiddos. Two days in one weekend, they couldn't believe it. Worked some MORE on the presentation.... It takes a long time. My parents were back so we all went to lunch. Then I ended up back over at their house so I could steal the new pictures from Colorado. My nephews are soooo cute! I can't wait to see them again. I would love to get out to Colorado this year.

Anyway, then we just ran errands the rest of the day.

Sometime right before bed H started puking everywhere and I just had a bad feeling. He was up and down all night. Some time in the very early morning, I had a really bad feeling, but it was my stomach. Thankfully no puking for me, just feeling like I could. Sooooo I called in to work. My co-worker sounded annoyed but sorry, I will be no good running back and forth to the restroom for the false alarms. Plus I have zero energy.

So that is my weekend. Good and bad.... at least its a short week!

Busy, busy, busy

I have been sooo busy doing..... I don't know. Just back to school stuff. Work. Working on my parents presentation and hanging out with Goofball.

And, too busy to even blog that today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being final. Wow what a great year! This time last year I felt like I was really coming back to life so to speak. I was so tense and so nervous and had little self-esteem. But I was brave and I was strong.

In the Summer of 2005, I packed up my kiddos and loaded the car and then drove from Fargo to Omaha to pick up my dad for the drive home. I really wasn't sure what the plan was. I told the ex I was just going on vacation but I did say I would look for a job. If I found one I was staying and if I didn't, I would go back to Fargo. At the time I wasn't sure would I file or would I try to make it work. I just knew I needed to do something big. I needed to find myself and make myself happy for a change.

I got married young to someone I really didn't know. I had a baby pretty quickly after and then another.... I was lost somewhere in the shuffle of figuring out how to be a mom and a wife.

I hit rock bottom once we moved to Fargo. I was isolated from my family and my comfort zone. At least I had my "girls." This is a group of ladies I meet online. If they were not out there in cyper space for, I would have lost it completely in Fargo. I loved Fargo itself but this is when a bad marriage got worse.

I started to see a therapist and he helped me to get control. Helped me take baby steps, get me back.

He would be so proud. I just know he would be.

And, ya know I am proud too.

By the way, the kids are loving being back in school. Okay maybe not loving it but they aren't bored all day. L is in Kindergarten and is adjusting to not having a nap. H is in 6th and had a little tough few days but by Friday was in the groove. K was really upset at first too. None of her friends were in any of her classes but I think she is feeling better now.