September 9

September 9 is always a special day for me. I talked about it here last year too. It was a point in my life that changed the rest of it.

To back up, in May 1992, I was out of high school and had just spent the last year in community college and working full-time at Burger King. I wanted to move out on my own but couldn't afford it, wanted to get out of my life so to speak. I felt like I was at a cross roads. I didn't feel like I could go forward, I definitely couldn't go back. I needed to do something big, life changing and then the recruiter called. I think they have ESP or something.

So I signed on up and my date was picked..... I don't remember my original date because that summer my dad's only sister had a liver transplant and I asked to push my date back so that I could be with my family a little bit longer.

Fine. September 9, 1992 it was.

It was a life changing decision. It was a life changing experience.

And, if you know me, making decisions is not easy for me and especially not something this huge!

I'm glad I did it. Sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten out. It was a good decision at the time for me and my kids. My life wouldn't be what it is now, had I stayed in. Rather than play the "What if" game, I just enjoy what I have.

Busy, busy, busy

I have been sooo busy doing..... I don't know. Just back to school stuff. Work. Working on my parents presentation and hanging out with Goofball.

And, too busy to even blog that today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being final. Wow what a great year! This time last year I felt like I was really coming back to life so to speak. I was so tense and so nervous and had little self-esteem. But I was brave and I was strong.

In the Summer of 2005, I packed up my kiddos and loaded the car and then drove from Fargo to Omaha to pick up my dad for the drive home. I really wasn't sure what the plan was. I told the ex I was just going on vacation but I did say I would look for a job. If I found one I was staying and if I didn't, I would go back to Fargo. At the time I wasn't sure would I file or would I try to make it work. I just knew I needed to do something big. I needed to find myself and make myself happy for a change.

I got married young to someone I really didn't know. I had a baby pretty quickly after and then another.... I was lost somewhere in the shuffle of figuring out how to be a mom and a wife.

I hit rock bottom once we moved to Fargo. I was isolated from my family and my comfort zone. At least I had my "girls." This is a group of ladies I meet online. If they were not out there in cyper space for, I would have lost it completely in Fargo. I loved Fargo itself but this is when a bad marriage got worse.

I started to see a therapist and he helped me to get control. Helped me take baby steps, get me back.

He would be so proud. I just know he would be.

And, ya know I am proud too.

By the way, the kids are loving being back in school. Okay maybe not loving it but they aren't bored all day. L is in Kindergarten and is adjusting to not having a nap. H is in 6th and had a little tough few days but by Friday was in the groove. K was really upset at first too. None of her friends were in any of her classes but I think she is feeling better now.

No more sexual frustrations....

At least for tonight.

So Goofball and I were able to get together tonight. It was sort of an anniversary. One year ago on this date, we got to meet for the first time. Call it our "Meet-n-Greet-iversary" (Ha, ha, actually thought of that over dinner but missed the opportunity to say it then!)......

Last year was my Friday off so we met over milkshakes after chatting online for almost 2 months. It was a really nice meet and greet. He seemed nice and well the rest is history as they say.

We went to dinner, ice cream (of course!) and sex. Niiicee. The last was a surprise thing we hadn't planned on. But, oh so good and oh so needed.

So anyway, it was a great night and the sexual frustration is lessened. Thanks, Goofball.

One Year Blogiversary!

One year ago my life sucked hard. I was at the end of my rope or so I thought. One day I looked down and realized I could just about touch ground, so I let go. I let go of my hurt, my anger, my feelings of failure. The hate that I had for my ex for hurting me and the kids. The hurt I had brought myself for the wrongs I did in the marriage. I was unemployed, alone. We had just officially filed for divorce too. Like I said, the end of my rope, but I let go of that rope. Took some risks and my feet touched the ground. Then I just started off on a new path. I shouted "Do Over!" and started my journey.

I never liked to climb rope anyway and much prefer to be on my feet for the journey ahead.

Once I let go, I found a job, found some new friends (one really special one) and really found myself. I have used this blog to document that journey and have grown a lot. It is my own personal dumping ground and place of sharing, sorting and growing. I see other blogs that are used for more entertainment purposes or to share with family and friends their life's. And while mine is not the best written nor the most visited, it suits me well. It is me! What you see is what you get kinda place.

I'm still amazed at the changes in my life this past year. Its just amazing. There are still things to do, places to go and people to see. While I'm not still in that "take risks" place like I was, I'm still very confident and comfortable with who I am now. A year ago, I was lost. My ex really stole my identity or maybe I just gave it up for him because that is what I thought he wanted but not really. See I think he lost himself in our marriage too. I think that is why I had to leave him in 2005. I knew we were both lost, together. He liked climbing rope and I liked walking. Our journey together had to come to an end. As sad as I was to realize that, I was happy too.

And while I'm not still searching for myself, I still have this journey to enjoy. I still have kids to raise, Goofball to get to know better and friends to stay connected too. I still need a place to dump my brain.

Life from here looks good and I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for me! Oh and just so you know, I'm not so naive to think that everything is always wonderful and happy, but GAWD! I really feel free like never before.... and that can just make anything look pretty darn good.

December 9th, 1993

This was my wedding anniversary. The day I thought I was going to marry this great guy, have our baby and live happy forever. Now it is December 9, 2006 and I am divorced, have three children and living very happy. It is amazing how life changes.

Let's rewind time for a bit, I want to reflect on my marriage.... It might get long, it was nearly 13 yrs.

We were both in the Navy stationed at NAS Whiting Field in Milton, FL.... that is near Pensacola, FL on the border of Alabama.

It started when I first saw him in August 1993. He came to my office to deliver a student's record. Not to me but when I saw him, I had this weird feeling. I turned to my friend and said, "Do you know him?" She said, "Not really." I said, "Can you find out about him?" She said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "I'm going to marry him.".... We both laughed. But, what is funnier is that I really knew I was going to.

We met officially Sept 23, 1993 and a very whirlwind relationship I was about 10-11 weeks pregnant when we married on Dec 9th. That was a great weekend. It was a Thursday and on Friday was my command's Christmas party. It was at a hotel on Pensacola Beach. My command and his got together for different wedding gifts, mine was a night in the hotel. At this point we weren't able to live together. Our house (base housing) wouldn't be ready until Monday.

Then came Christmas. My parents had already bought me a plane ticket home so I went home and he went to his folks'. When we got back, we decided we would not spend another Christmas apart.

This feeling of love was short lived but his change of heart in mid-January. He said that we rushed and we should divorce and date to get to know each other better. To this I simply said, "I married you once and if I divorce you it will be once." Basically I am not going to do the back and forth thing. No way! I respect myself too much.

This "off" period lasted for a few months but then I don't know what happened but maybe it was the baby coming. He finally seemed like he wanted to be married to me. We bought all the baby stuff, put it together, washed and folded the clothes and we were all set. One day we were walking down the hallway and he paused by the baby's room. He said, "I'm going to be a dad."

We had the baby and things were great! She was the perfect baby. We were a nice little family.

Then we got pregnant again, and had our first boy! Shortly after this, we moved to Norfolk, VA. It was our first change of duty stations.

The first year was great. But, things went down hill not too long after. Ex-h was put out of the Navy for medical reasons. He had to have hernia surgery in FL, not once but twice. It had caused a lot of nerve damage.

He started going to school 5 nights a week, and working 5 -6 days a week. We never saw him. But, I also think he was very depressed and upset about having to get out of the Navy. Military Service was his dream and what he wanted to do. Now what would he do?

This was the start of our trouble. We really started to grow apart and towards others, friends and just in general it really hurt our marriage.

In 1998, I announced that I wanted a divorce. We went to counseling, it didn't stick. We were just so different now. But, some how we stuck it out, and late 1999 we were back to almost normal (you never completely recover, I still hadn't from the first troubles). We talked about having another baby.

In 2000, I got out of the Navy and we moved to Houston, TX. Where I'm from of course!

No baby. No baby. No baby. But all along I thought we were doing great and working for the same thing.

I started going to a new doctor. We were going through my medical history and she asked a simple question about birthcontrol and I started boo-whoing! She knew there was an issue here. I explained and she gave me some meds to help. I went home and told him about it, he didn't hear me. Because a week before I was suppose to start taking the pills, he said he didn't want a baby anymore. WTF? So the meds were to help regulate my cycle too so I told him, "I am going to take these and if you don't want a baby, wear protection." He didn't and we got pregnant again.

I was so happy!! So happy! Nov 4, 2001 is when I found out! I couldn't believe it. When I told him, he said "I hate you." then packed a bag and left. For a few months it went like this and finally, I guess the shock wore off. We bought a house and were doing great.... but we never fully recovered from this "fight" or trouble either. We had a beautiful baby boy.

Then in Dec 2002, he had enough again, moved out. So here I was a single mom for three. Wow! The house was clean, everyone was feed and I was working and going to school at this time. I was actually happy!!!

But, what did I do.... let him move in because bottom-line, I was scared of being alone, of the financial burden it really was. He moved back in and we had determined that his job was more the source of his problems. So the job search started. My eye started twitching because all the jobs were out of state.

In May 2003, I quit working to stay at home to try and save money and my marriage.... but I also knew the end of living in Houston was coming to a close....

In May/June 2003, Fargo, ND called him and we moved. Had to sell our house, our first house. I was so sad. I had painted each child's room with love and patience, with each of them in mind while doing it. I started to hate him. I had stopped saying "I love you" months before. In fact, maybe about the time he moved back in. I resented him a lot.

We lived in Fargo for 2 yrs. I wasn't happy. I had to take meds for depression. I tried but I never loved him again.

In the Summer of 2005, I left with my babies and moved back home.

The last year was hard. Having to find a job, change jobs again and again, being out of work for 5 weeks. Going to school. Etc, etc.

And, here is it Dec 9, 2006..... and I think I have final found myself again. I am so happy with my life. You have read about it! Getting up, waking the kids and hopping in the car to the Beach, the zoo, the park. They love it.

Ahhh, it feels good.