Monday, June 29, 2009

Explaining my absence

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.


margaret said...

Hello my friend! I am glad to see you writing again. I am so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. Grief is a strange thing; it affects us in ways we never could have predicted.

About the blog, you are absolutely right: your friends, near and far, will be here for you and will be thrilled to read anything you choose to write. But if you need to be quiet for a while, that is OK too. Good to hear from you, you are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

you can

Stephanie, Mama Dramatist said...

OH so glad you are back!!!