Sunday, May 23, 2010

Lots of questions...

Will I be okay?
Will my child(ren) be okay?
Will he (or she) and I be able to get along (for the child)?
How will I date?

When you first start out separating or getting a divorce, these are some of the questions you have.

I will tell you in the best of situations all of those things are hard and can't be answered easily. Let's break them down one at a time.

Will I be okay?
The short answer is yes, you will. Not every day is easy. Not every night is full of sleep. But every morning the sun comes up and some how you put one foot in front of the other. You go through your day, you feed the kids and you hug them. You do the things you have to do and then the day ends and you face another night.... But at some point you stop doing it because you have to do it everyday, but because you are actually happy to do it and happy again and you smile and laugh and you notice the sun coming up and the birds and the flowers. The nights are the hardest for a while but even those will become easier and you will sleep through the night again.

Will my child be okay?
Yes. They will take cues from you. Are you laying in bed crying? Being withdrawn? Or are you getting out of the house, making the most of a sunny day? Or laughing and snuggling with them? It is okay to be sad sometimes because it does teach them how to deal with it and it shows that you are human. And when you survive all this, it will show them how strong you are and how far you have come. But the bottom line is they will take their cues from you on how to act and to a point how to feel. But remember they do have feelings too and as long as you validate those, they will be okay. They want to be heard and understood. Do not tell them their feelings are wrong, just listen and let them know they are important.

Will he (or she) and I be able to get along?
Yes but it won't be easy and you have to put your hurt aside for it to work. I didn't always WANT to get along with my ex but I had to make it work for my children. I had to for them. But it takes work and it takes wanting to do it. Not every step is easy. I mean there is a reason you aren't with this person anymore. But if you want what is best for your children, you will have to put yourself aside. If you don't, you won't get along. But there is another step in this process, they will probably meet someone else and that someone else will probably have a relationship with your child. That is hard. But again, I had to think about my children and I had to put my feelings aside. In my situation, I reached out to her. I thought it was best if I got to know her. I didn't want to at first. I really wanted to hate her but at the end of the day, I realized it was best for my kids and they are much happier.

One piece of advice, don't talk bad about your ex in front of your kids ever. Don't talk bad about their new someone in front of your kids ever. This will only hurt your kid(s).

How will I date?
This is harder to answer. If you want it, you will. But you have to think of your child now. It changes the type of people you will date. You have to ask yourself, "I like this person, but is he/she good enough to be around my child?" You shouldn't bring dates around your child either, not until you have been dating a while and not until you know that this is not some random person, but someone who will be around a while. That is my number one advice. Number two advice is have high standards and low expectations. Meaning have high standards for the type of person you date, but have no expectations about how this will go. Expectations led to disappointment. If you don't expect anything, you are never disappointed and always surprised. :)

I have to say my experience with dating after my divorce has been interesting. Not great, not bad and the boyfriend I gained from it has been amazing. I followed my own advice and it is amazing.

I have gotten a lot of emails and some comments that make me want to keep writing. I can't promise anything but I just can't seem to let this blog go. It seems to be helping people and that is my plan with all of this.


Bridgette said...

thank you so much for this post. I was logging on today with the plan to ask you a few of these questions. I personaly have not YET taken the sep to leave but because these topics are racing through my head...i know in the end what is best, to hear it from someone on the other side gives me boat loads of reasurance!! thank you!!

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hunnimiu said...

you are very strong mom. i very like ur post make me feel like I'm not alone thanks for gimme power for struggle :)

love4moms said...

We love your posts! Enjoy reading them to share with others!

Baby Pickel said...

You are a blessing of a mom!
We love to read your stories.

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Alicia said...

I am just recently separated (about a week) and can't even imagine a life on my own. I have three children who are all small and no savings. I was a stay at home mom juggling school and the kid while my husband built his career. Now he is leaving me. I don't even know where to start. I just founf your blog but know that it will bring me much needed encouragement and strength.

Lynn said...

This is such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing because sometimes it's hard to share things that are so personal because quite frankly the issues are tough to face. I chose to be strong during/after my divorce for my son probably more than for myself. In the end we are both the better. I haven't gotten back into dating yet, but at least the idea of marriage no longer makes me cringe. Wishing you all the best.

skymum @Pursuit of Happiness said...

As a newly single mum, I just wanted to say 'thanks'! Personally I think the thing I am struggling with (at the moment) is the stigma I have attached to single-mumdom. It is very comforting and reassuring to read your messages, and I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog through a google-search! Thanks again, and I look forward to reading more in the future!

Anonymous said...

Do u have a blog button? I'm a little new to blogging but would love to keep up w u (inspiration) :)

Anonymous said...

Don't know if you still write/monitor this blog, but I wanted to say, Good for you! We all need to constantly reevaluate our relationships and how they affect us and our children. My daughter is my focus, but I also need to think about what is best for my emotional and mental health.

I would love your opinion of my blog! Find me at Thanks!

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Being a single mother and fight every day for the rights makes me some time tired but when I see my son all the worries disappears.. Your post is a great inspiration for others.. grants for single moms

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