Almost the day....

December 9. This was my wedding anniversary. Is wedding the right word? Ha, we didn't exactly have a ceremony. Justice of the Peace and only one witness that I sort of knew (his supervisor at the time) Not a picture, not a gown, no flowers, no family.... Oh well, at the time it was enough....

It is coming up and I am wondering how I will react on that day. Will I be a little down? Will I be happy? What?

Starting in around 1998, is when I feel like my troubles started. What happened? I don' t know. I just didn't think this was who I wanted to be with anymore. But each year after, our anniversary would come around and I would say, "Why am I wasting another year being unhappy?" I would be a bit depressed starting November and it would last through January, probably into February.

Why did I stay so long then? Scared mostly. I didn't want to be alone with the children because I just thought it would be too hard. Money too. I have never had a decent job that I felt could support me and the children. Okay wait that isn't completely true. I was in the Navy during this first period of "doubt".... I was in from 1992 - 2000, so really I had 2 yrs when the doubt was strong about staying to leaving and then I would have probably stayed in the Navy. Or maybe not and life would have taken a different path. (No regrets)

I guess in Fall 2004, I just realized I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. My unhappiness outweighed the fear of the unknown. I started getting scared but in a different way. I had to figure out how to get out of this situation as easily as possible for my anxiety issues.

I started seeing a counselor and he and I talked. Baby Steps (reminds me of "What about Bob?"). I would just focus on one thing at a time until I was divorced. I did it!

I talked to my now-ex and told him I couldn't stay in Fargo. I had to move back to Houston. So I did that. Then I got a job. I got a place to live. I got the kids enrolled in school. He moved here. Things got confusing for a while but soon we filed and well the rest is history....

So as I reflect this year, as the date of my anniversary approaches.... I just feel okay. Better than I have in years. Will it continue? Maybe. We shall see. :)