Every Summer....

So every summer, I am faced with one major decision: What am I going to do without the kids?

It seems like a simple thing. It really does. Everyone offers great ideas. But some of the things I just am not willing to do alone: dinner, movie. And the open ended one is, "Well just do something for yourself."

What does that mean? I mean I guess I know WHAT it means but I don't know how to do it.

Most of the year, I have the kids. I get to go out some, mostly with Goofball, sometimes with other friends. But when possible, I try to do something with the kiddos. But I am limited to a certain radius from home. I can go so distance from home, but not overnight and I try to stay in places that I can get a phone call.

So since most of the year I have them, when I don't, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I still have to think about the doggie but he is pretty good. Just no overnights unless I can get someone to come look after him or see if there is room at the Inn (read: Vet)

What am I doing with my time?

I went to dinner with an very good friend who I have known since elementary school. That was fun!

I had a phone chat with a long-lost (and now found) friend from my early Navy days! For whatever reason, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, have found each other again. She is talking about coming to visit me too!

Then I am hoping to go visit my cousin this week, might see my school friend again. We have a family party on Saturday and in there some time I want to clean the house some more. (One project at a time)

I volunteered to help at some community thing for work but haven't heard an update on things as of yet.

Where is Goofball?

He is out of town for an undefined amount of time. I miss him but he does need this break. I'll be here when he is ready.

My big thing this year is to stay healthy! Last summer was chaos. I don't even want to think about it. Not even going to link to last year's stuff. I have already taken positive steps to get there. I started Weight Watchers (at work) back in March. I have lost 13 lbs to date. Slow and steady wins the race.

So those are my summer plans, does it sound like I am doing something for myself? I hope so! because I feel like I am. :)

Explaining my absence

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.