What a difference a year makes

For me, this summer has been much better. There have been a lot of bad news all around me, including finding that my grandmother has breast cancer. But health-wise, night and day from my summer last year. I have been so much less depressed (in fact, only slightly at all this year).... My kids just got back from the summer and I wasn't at all miserable! I missed them, yes but I really enjoyed myself. I got some really great quality time with Goofball. We got a lot of great one on one time and I feel really good about things with him. He is amazing.

I also spent a lot of time with my dog. I know, it might sound crazy but he is super cute and we got a lot of time to just hang. He really seemed to enjoy the one on one time. Goofball and I even took him to the beach this summer. He had a blast!! Of course the interior of my car didn't enjoy it! But after a good vacuum, I think I got all the sand out!

And lastly, work has been crazy busy BUT in a good way! I have felt for a long time that I had lost my "spark" for work. Actually I have felt pretty stupid, like I couldn't remember policies or procedures. I didn't feel like I could complete tasks by the deadlines or without many mistakes, etc. But finally, FINALLY I feel like I am getting my brain back. It feels good!

Anyway, I am very happy with my life right now and I can honestly say that I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

Every Summer....

So every summer, I am faced with one major decision: What am I going to do without the kids?

It seems like a simple thing. It really does. Everyone offers great ideas. But some of the things I just am not willing to do alone: dinner, movie. And the open ended one is, "Well just do something for yourself."

What does that mean? I mean I guess I know WHAT it means but I don't know how to do it.

Most of the year, I have the kids. I get to go out some, mostly with Goofball, sometimes with other friends. But when possible, I try to do something with the kiddos. But I am limited to a certain radius from home. I can go so distance from home, but not overnight and I try to stay in places that I can get a phone call.

So since most of the year I have them, when I don't, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I still have to think about the doggie but he is pretty good. Just no overnights unless I can get someone to come look after him or see if there is room at the Inn (read: Vet)

What am I doing with my time?

I went to dinner with an very good friend who I have known since elementary school. That was fun!

I had a phone chat with a long-lost (and now found) friend from my early Navy days! For whatever reason, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, have found each other again. She is talking about coming to visit me too!

Then I am hoping to go visit my cousin this week, might see my school friend again. We have a family party on Saturday and in there some time I want to clean the house some more. (One project at a time)

I volunteered to help at some community thing for work but haven't heard an update on things as of yet.

Where is Goofball?

He is out of town for an undefined amount of time. I miss him but he does need this break. I'll be here when he is ready.

My big thing this year is to stay healthy! Last summer was chaos. I don't even want to think about it. Not even going to link to last year's stuff. I have already taken positive steps to get there. I started Weight Watchers (at work) back in March. I have lost 13 lbs to date. Slow and steady wins the race.

So those are my summer plans, does it sound like I am doing something for myself? I hope so! because I feel like I am. :)

Summer's coming!

Oh and I might have gotten a new camera too. :)

The Summer of Unfortunate Events

This summer was like one unfortunate event after another but mostly just all health related. I am not planning to name all the bad.

Really, spending a little more time and better quality of time with Goofball was probably the ONLY thing that went as planned but even that was a little off this summer at times.... I doubt he would deny it. This was mostly me. I was much grumpier than usual.

It was suppose to be the summer that I take care of myself and get some things done that I wanted to do, many projects not done. I feel like I pretty much slept the summer away. I was soo sick from about Mid-June until .... well really just this past week. I finally feel human again.

It was such a long, hard battle to get here. I thought I was losing my mind and to be honest I thought about just giving up.... No, no not on life but just on being plugged into life/reality. I thought about letting the ex have the kids, me turning into a bum and just checking out of reality...maybe even getting a few more cats and a couple more dogs and maybe a snake. A crazy lady should have at least one snake.

But somewhere in my mind a voice was screaming, "NO, you aren't like that. This is not you. You aren't going to give up."

I am glad I didn't because this was all temporary caused by medication. I am finally going back to work on Monday, the kids are back and start school on Monday as well. Also, I didn't mess up with Goofball so that is good. I would be lost without him at this point. I am crazy for that boy.

Now let's just hope I can get back to work and not have screwed up too badly there.

And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So if your doc wants to start you on something that you don't know much about, research it, research it, research it and ask a lot of questions. I wish I would have questioned more, spoke up more but I have NEVER had that kind of reaction to a med before.

Anywho, wish me luck!! I am nervous and excited.

I miss my babies!!!!!

and tonight reality hit me hard in the heart. I just want them back, safe with me. I feel stupid, betrayed and lied to. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am back in that very controlling relationship where I can't do anything to help my children.

With the remodel starting this week, I can't bring them home yet. With construction people going to be coming in and out during the day, they can't be home alone. School starts at the end of August..... but even then, the remodel will still be going on. There is no good time right now.

I am just so sad. So miserable and feeling so stuck. I miss them. I hate hearing their sad voices and the tone of their voices is changed. I keep asking them "Are you okay?" They typically say yes but tonight a lot of the stuff came pouring out (separately). I told them they would be home soon and I missed and loved them.

It really just breaks the heart and turns on the mommy bear instinct. I want to tear someone up for the way they are treated. This is why I wanted a divorce but also why I stayed so long. I felt like I could "control" more of the behavior and support them more if I was in the same house. Now I am just at a loss. They are just too far for me to help them.

OMG.... I am going to cry. I am going to scream. I am going to throw things.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

She freakin' rocks!!!!

The kids went to stay with dad and the soon-to-be stepmom.... who to make this shorter will be referred to as either SM or stepmom because she almost is and it is shorter.

Anyway so I get an email this morning from her. She gives me an update on how the kids are doing and what they have all been up to. She took L to the library and got him a ton of books. He loves books but needs practice with his reading. So they are working on a reading log. Love her! Then she found out about a teen program at the library. Last night was creative writing and she took K up there. She said that she was proud of K for going because it was a big step to go somewhere new. K loves writing and I am sure she loved it! On Saturday there is a teen girls thing for a few hours of watching movies, girl talk and eating junk food. How fun!!!

Then she was going to take the kids swimming. She said the kids like the new house and haven't fought as much as they did in the apartment.

Anyway, I am so glad that I reached out to her to form this friendship as strange as it may be to some. It is really a good thing and she is awesome. It is also making it a little easier to be away from the kids this summer. I know what they are doing and I know that she is keeping them busy, and truly cares for them.

..... and they are gone......

I have been pretty quiet the last several days because I have been trying to get the kiddos ready to go with their dad for the summer. Well today was the day!

I have a mix of feelings over it. Happy to sad to lost to scared and everywhere in between.

One thing that has me a little scared is how things are changing. See their dad and his girlfriend .... they are getting married this summer. We just told the kids today. K is pretty upset but I know she likes her. But K says she doesn't want a stepmom.

I like her myself and told her I couldn't have picked a better stepmom for my kids. She really is great. We have been talking for weeks and I have been giving her more of an idea of who my kids are. I don't think their dad really knows them anymore.... at least not like I do.

Not to mention they are a very cute couple and much, MUCH better suited to each other than he and I ever were so I am so thrilled for them (mostly her).

I guess we will see how they do after another long stay with them. Last summer they came back a bit of a mess so I hope they do better this year. The only thing I DON'T want to happen is for L to lose his first tooth with them. Silly I know but I am with him almost all year and I want to be there for his milestones..... I feel like I have earned and it is what I signed up for! The ex chose to move rather than be here for the day to day stuff. I'll deal of course but still....

Soooo my plan is just to chill out a lot. Have some quiet and downtime. I also want to spend some quality time with Goofball.... I am crazy about that man.

Enjoy your summer all!

Wishing the time away....

I hate when I do this. I guess in someways it is a human thing to do. Like we sometimes might say, "I can't wait until Christmas" or "I can't wait until my kids walk, talk, go to school.... " whatever.


But, time just flies. I had babies and then blinked and have teens. My baby is going to be in 1st grade next year and will not be going to day care anymore. And really life is short, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow so I do really try to enjoy today and most days I would say I do. I get to have special conversations, hugs and kisses. Snuggles on a Sunday morning, or in the evening when they had a bad day (or I did). I was just being stalked by a "ninja".... A rather cute ninja. I played a game of Yahtzee with my oldest son earlier and my daughter and I have been able to form a great relationship that I never had with my own mother.


However, I can't help but "wish" for the summer to be here, for them to be with their dad. I really need a break. This just wears on me. I get so tired between my breaks. If you have been a long time reader, you know he sees them only a few times a year, then the long summer visit.

And, I know I am not the only one that has my child(ren) alone most, or all the time. It is tough on this parent but also rewarding because we get the most time and memories with the kiddos. We know we are doing what is best for our child(ren). I love mine very much.

I know that once they are gone, I will miss them very much and be lost without them. I will not know what to do with myself in the evenings because I am so used to having the children to take care of. But, that's okay. I do need to recharge and I will have the puppy and cats to take care of still.

I just hate that I am wishing the time away... but again, I think it is normal. I think anyone would forgive me this one wish because they know that I do truly love my children and that I do try to do my best for them..... even if somedays I fall short.

Just about 3 weeks or so to go..... and then it is mom's time....

Stuff about the ex, kids and the summer

I just need to talk this out a bit as it has been bothering me a lot.

So since the kids have come back from their dad's, they have been telling me various stories about their summer. Most of it doesn't bother me or sound out of the ordinary. But there are little things that have me a bit .... I don't know...... bothered.....

One story that is bothering me is that one day K was really grumpy and ignoring her dad (she was upset with him and his girlfriend). So the ex told the boys that they could kick her..... so I guess she was hiding in the closest and the boys were kicking her. Hmm, WTF!?

All of them are talking about being overweight, which yeah true for at least one of them, BUT L is only 5.... and not overweight! Why should he have to hear that? And, I would never, ever, never tell my kids they were fat. I have just talked about better choices, getting exercise. He had them weigh in every week. Not completely a negative but you can't tell me that is positive either.

Then I guess the girlfriend slept over most nights. It is a one-bedroom apartment and the boys slept in the ex's room with him and the girlfriend.... They were on air mattresses. Now it doesn't bother me so much that he had his girlfriend around the kids, but what does bother me about it is that he hadn't dated her long before the kids came, maybe just a couple of weeks. She went to his parents' with them all too.... for two weeks. I don't know, just something about the situation bothers me. I am hoping it is just some jealously because that I can get over, but I can't help but feel it is just a bad situation. Read on....

When the kids were there for spring break, he introduced him to his last girlfriend and while they were with him, he asked her to marry him. They liked her kids and her nephew, who K still talks to. Well three weeks after the kids left, they split up and he moved back to his apartment. That was mid-April..... Then the next time they go to visit him, he has a new girlfriend? I don't know. Maybe I am just jealous.

I have introduced them to Goofball, but not for months and months after we started dating. I don't want to just bring random people around them. But, I guess what works for me and what I am comfortable with isn't what is comfortable for the ex. It just bothers me that he doesn't see them often and then when he does have them, he can't just put his girlfriends off for just a short time. Okay 2 months is a long time but still.... Did he have to see her everyday? Did she have to go with them to the grandparents'? Did she have to do everything with them? Did she really have to sleep over? Have dinner every night? Again, I am probably just jealous but something is still just nagging me about it....

There are other things like yelling at L for having an accident. Making them eat over towels. Threating to spank them if the apartment was even the least bit messy. They said if even one toy was out when he got home, he would go nuts (I completely believe it as he was like that here). Most of the summer, they were alone a lot because I guess the girlfriend had trouble controlling them and she was asked to babysit them. Also once he was stuck in traffic and decided to drive off the road, up a hill (like by an overpass) and around the traffic. What the.....? How is that safe? And, leaving them alone at the pool! when L can just barely swim! Telling K to lie about her age while she is watching the boys at the pool so the ex knew it was wrong to leave them like that, yet he still did it!

And, while none of these things alone really bother me (okay the safety ones do bother me), it is all of them that just grate my nerves.

I know I am not perfect. I know I have trouble controlling them sometimes but I really try to protect them, be a good mom. Everything I do in life, I am thinking about them. I mess up... but I don't know.... I just don't know.

I guess I am just jealous. Why? Not sure.... but that is the only conclusion I can come up with why these things are bothering me.

End of Summer.... sort of.

Okay so by the calendar, its not really the end of summer but it is for me.

My kids come back on SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And while I really can't wait, it also means that the already limited time that I have to see Goofball is now cut back again. While my kids have been gone these two months, he and I have enjoyed a lot more time together because I could fit my schedule to his. Now we will have to try to match schedules again.... which is really what we were used to and I will admit, I feel a bit spoiled by the time together. He just left and don't tell him.... okay I know he reads this.... but I cried when he left.... why? Because I'm a girl! Sometimes we do that.

I have really enjoyed this summer. My time alone, time with Goofball and just doing whatever I wanted to do. I was having serious financial issues before the summer. Now I am back on track. Very good in fact.

Well now I am going to start decorating the house for the kids return. Wow, do I remember how to be a mom?? I have to cook dinner and fed people other than just myself (and the cats)... so I am going to hang streamers and blow up a ton of balloons so that when they get home, they will know I missed them and that I am very glad they are back! I will get something special for dinner and maybe even get/make a special dessert.

So that's the end of my summer.....

Well they are leaving....

.... So begins the two months without kiddos. On one hand I am soooo looking forward to the break and on the other, well, I will miss them like crazy. I have been teary all day about it too.

All packed up and ready to go.

We meet the dad at 11:00 am tomorrow half way between here and there.

I am soooo ready for this and I'm soooo not ready.

What am I going to do with myself?

I'm sure I'll think of something!