Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Good or bad mom?? I am not sure

This weekend I went to the zoo with my kids, my aunt and her two grandchildren. It was a great day! Cool but not cold, just warm enough and not tooo sunny either. Just perfect.

The kids range in age from 14 to 2 yrs old. They all enjoyed it!!

So to back up a step or two, my daughter has never been very maternal, even for a child her age (now 14). I am not expecting her to be like all "Ooohhh babies!" and know what to do. However, I remember babysitting at age 11 and really knowing what to do most of the times... I mean as moms (and dads) we don't always know what is wrong for our kids.

Anyway, you know what I mean, some people just have a natural maternal/nurturing instinct.

Back to the day at the zoo. K was trying to keep up with her little cousin S. S is a typical 2 year old, busy and as a lot of new things to see and do. Now K, she likes little kids but like I said, no maternal instinct, very clumsy and looks to me like what the heck do I do? It was cute.

I mentioned to my Aunt my observation. She agreed but then said everyone used to say she would be a great mom and then she wasn't (or didn't feel like she was.... My cousin was a bit of a troublemaker. I love him but.... he got in some trouble. He is a great man now).

I said, I understand because I feel the same about me.... Not sure I am a good mom. I don't feel like I am. I get a lot of negative feedback. I have an ongoing self-esteem issue left by their dad. Many people comment how many boys are so loud or have to be kept very busy or they get bored, etc. I second guess myself all the time. I don't feel like I do enough or it isn't good enough and I am not as involved or they aren't.

I want someone, just one person, to reassure me. Someone that knows me, knows my kids, knows deep down, maybe, they are good kids. I mean really they aren't bad. There are some things I could do better but I am on my own against 3 so I pick my battles and it seems to work okay for us, and really isn't that what matters.... I just wish I could be so confident in my life and choices as I am writing this.


Charlene said...

Okay, first of all - You are a great mom! Don't ever beat yourself up over that again....Seriously!

Secondly, I think its normal for boys to be loud! Hell, my boys are loud too. And if I say it's normal, it's normal....boys like to rough house and keep busy and they are loud, it's all part of being a boy...Trust me, I have four of them.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know its hard, but don't worry so much about it.

Got it?

You know I love ya friend!!

m (the misanthrope) said...

Raising kids is difficult enough when you have a partner, and being a single parent must be even tougher. From what I have read are doing a difficult job and you are doing it incredibly well!

Now, self-esteem-wise, I also struggle with that sort of thing. But from reading your writing, I can tell that you are smart, funny, and a deeply caring and empathetic person! I wish you - and folks like you - lived nearer to me. We could all bolster each other :-)

As far as the "no maternal instincts" - heehee! That was (and still is) me. I loved animals but had no idea what to do with kids. When I was a teenager, other girls were falling all over each other to babysit...while I got a pet parakeet, joined the 4-H and took part in an egg-hatching project :-)

In my case, I never did develop any maternal instincts, and that's why I didn't have kids. I didn't feel that I would be a good parent, and I am happier with a house full of animals. However, everyone is different and people change a lot as they grow into adulthood!

My mom never put any pressure on me to "give" her grandchildren. She let me choose my own path, and she adores her "grandcats" and "grandbirds". I think that's key...we all have to find our own way as far as having kids is concerned. (Sorry for the longwinded comment but once again, you wrote a thought-provoking post!)

m (the misanthrope) said...

Oops, P.S. You asked about the next FunMonday host. I'm not sure if one has been assigned yet. There's a comment from Sayre on MommyWizdom's FM post, saying that she can do it if nobody else has already volunteered - but I'm not sure if that's definite yet.