What a difference a year makes

For me, this summer has been much better. There have been a lot of bad news all around me, including finding that my grandmother has breast cancer. But health-wise, night and day from my summer last year. I have been so much less depressed (in fact, only slightly at all this year).... My kids just got back from the summer and I wasn't at all miserable! I missed them, yes but I really enjoyed myself. I got some really great quality time with Goofball. We got a lot of great one on one time and I feel really good about things with him. He is amazing.

I also spent a lot of time with my dog. I know, it might sound crazy but he is super cute and we got a lot of time to just hang. He really seemed to enjoy the one on one time. Goofball and I even took him to the beach this summer. He had a blast!! Of course the interior of my car didn't enjoy it! But after a good vacuum, I think I got all the sand out!

And lastly, work has been crazy busy BUT in a good way! I have felt for a long time that I had lost my "spark" for work. Actually I have felt pretty stupid, like I couldn't remember policies or procedures. I didn't feel like I could complete tasks by the deadlines or without many mistakes, etc. But finally, FINALLY I feel like I am getting my brain back. It feels good!

Anyway, I am very happy with my life right now and I can honestly say that I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

No apologies

I am tired of apologizing for my lack of blogging, even if I am sorry and missing it, I will not apologize. Life happens.

So what has been happening? Kids stuff. Lots of work and I have been sick again. and just a few other things I am not ready to talk about or even wrap my brain around.... Ack!

Kids stuff.... My daughter has been talking to people all over the country. I can only HOPE they are truly people her age but I don't know and I can't be for sure so we (her father and I) have had to take some measures to protect her. He has her cell phone account so he has been monitoring her use and OH BOY does she use it! She ran up quite the bill recently. He has blocked several phone numbers of guys we know she is talking to. I deleted a game she plays which is where she has been "meeting" these guys and set some parental controls so I can view her activity and control the hours in which she uses the computer. I doubt she will have as much interest now that I deleted that.

In some ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been "meeting" people online for about 7 yrs now but I am a grown-up, she is a child. While I still have to be careful and use common sense online, I do and I understand. She just doesn't have that common sense yet. She is a smart kid but in the name of being "cool" or having a "boyfriend".... she just won't think.

Soooo that is my child problems.

Work is work. I am burned out and need a new one. I have interviewed for a new position at my company but no news yet. Soooo..... just keeping my eyes open for new opportunities.

Sick? Yeah I think it is stress, lack of sleep and maybe a sinus infection. But the way I feel is a lot like I felt this past summer with the seizures. I really hope it is something easy. I don't want to have a ton of medical bills again. Ack!

That is my life right now.

Still around and kickin'

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.

Howdy peeps!

Things are slowly getting back to normal in my neck of the woods. I have time to sit and think. Hurray!

The house is near done. Waiting on my custom shower door and my mirror. I have started moving all my stuff in. I should say I am nearly done moving stuff in. Thankfully Friday is my day off so I plan to work on it a lot. Also my mom and I are going to find some lights.... I have a plan in mind for what I am looking for so crossing fingers I find it! Then once I get it all set up, I will definitely take pics for y'all to see.

Tomorrow I will have posted a book review. My first! I was approached to review this book and I am really excited about it. I'm not going to say much about it.... but hope that you will come back tomorrow to check it out!

Sooo that is right now an update from Single Mom....

The Summer of Unfortunate Events

This summer was like one unfortunate event after another but mostly just all health related. I am not planning to name all the bad.

Really, spending a little more time and better quality of time with Goofball was probably the ONLY thing that went as planned but even that was a little off this summer at times.... I doubt he would deny it. This was mostly me. I was much grumpier than usual.

It was suppose to be the summer that I take care of myself and get some things done that I wanted to do, many projects not done. I feel like I pretty much slept the summer away. I was soo sick from about Mid-June until .... well really just this past week. I finally feel human again.

It was such a long, hard battle to get here. I thought I was losing my mind and to be honest I thought about just giving up.... No, no not on life but just on being plugged into life/reality. I thought about letting the ex have the kids, me turning into a bum and just checking out of reality...maybe even getting a few more cats and a couple more dogs and maybe a snake. A crazy lady should have at least one snake.

But somewhere in my mind a voice was screaming, "NO, you aren't like that. This is not you. You aren't going to give up."

I am glad I didn't because this was all temporary caused by medication. I am finally going back to work on Monday, the kids are back and start school on Monday as well. Also, I didn't mess up with Goofball so that is good. I would be lost without him at this point. I am crazy for that boy.

Now let's just hope I can get back to work and not have screwed up too badly there.

And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So if your doc wants to start you on something that you don't know much about, research it, research it, research it and ask a lot of questions. I wish I would have questioned more, spoke up more but I have NEVER had that kind of reaction to a med before.

Anywho, wish me luck!! I am nervous and excited.

That didn't take long.....

We are already having fights, whining and drama, and I am losing it. I just hate fighting of any kind. I really hate when I get upset.... when I get upset, it makes me more upset THAT I am upset. Yeah, see I am that crazy.

I am ready for life to get back to normal: school, work and house, so that maybe we won't get on each other's nervous quite so much. But I still don't fell quite normal yet.

Also I forgot how expensive the kids are! We have cooked at home about half the time but I haven't had a chance to get to the store. Plus I have had a house full of workers so it has been easier to sneak out during the time they are here. I tried to cook with them here and we just get in each other's way... I bought most of the school supplies but I had to go get a few more things.... even on sale they are expensive. Ack!

Anyway, we are doing well. Getting back in the groove... sort of.... but it is just good to have them all home!

Good news, bad news

Okay so the bad news first.... I didn't get the new position but that is okay because really it is good news, in a way. I got really great feedback and was told that I interviewed great so really what more can I do. Nothing. Just try for another one later. When it is right, it will be right. I would love to just advance within my current department and/or develop my current position into more. Sooo in the end, I feel good.... so is this really bad news??

Anyway, the good news, the remodel is going to start next week!!!!! Hurray!!!! Of course I could turn this into bad news because ack, 2-3 mths of construction in my house. The kids will be back in a few weeks so we won't really even be half way through it. So in the end, is this good news? Yes! because soon I will have a brand new bedroom, bathroom, kitchen floor, roof and the boys' room will be done much nicer.

In other news, I am crazy for a guy. A very special guy. I call him Goofball. I can't wait to see him again soon.

Update and stuff

Hello. Thanks for the well wishes. I am feeling much better and we have a solution for now. We are going to take me off the Cymbalta (wean me off, not cold turkey, YIKES). We believe that I am having some of the more serious side effects. And while I know Wikipedia isn't always viewed as a credible source, I find this article very accurate in knowing many of the symptoms I have been having....

Anyway, I started taking 30 mg today and will continue this for a week and then no more.

Still no word on the job. Still not sure when the remodel will start. Not sure when I get my babies back. I have no idea on much, do I?

So that is that. Hopefully I will have some good blog entries posted soon. I have tons of notes and half things written, just haven't felt up to posting.

So what's going on?

I am glad you asked. There seems to be a lot going on in my life right now.

The house remodel is a go-go! The contractor is working on getting the permits so we can start. I doubt it will be done before the kiddos get back but hopefully a large part of it is.

Then on Wednesday I interviewed for a new position at work. It just kind of happened! I wasn't even looking for a new one yet. At my company they are all about career development and encourage movement to new positions sooooo typically you don't stay in a position more than 18 mths - 2 yrs.... After 2 yrs, you should be looking and posting for a new position.

Anyway, I feel good about the interview. I did the best I could and that is all I can do. I know if I were to get the job, I would do a great job but if I don't, cool. I will just keep looking.... at least now I will. Because I realized I am ready to move on or up or over.... I want something different.


Well and really I guess that is it. I thought it was more. The more is really just unanswered questions and thoughts in my mind, I guess. There is a lot of projects/events and things going on at work too. I have an event on Monday, Tuesday and then the following Monday.... and I think on Thursday as well, the 17th?

Sooooo anyway, that's me. Just living the best I can. Enjoying time with Goofball. Enjoying time with my pup. Enjoying my quiet time and trying to rest a lot before the kiddos get back in about 5 weeks.... Wow!

Just my life....

I feel like all I do is complain but really I am just processing, talking it out and/or telling the story of me. This is just my life. I hate to complain because I really do have a good life. I have great kids, a house, an awesome puppy and just on and on.... but my life is just a bit crazy and it wears on me.

I don't know if it is just being a single parent or if it is just the way I have run my life. I think not having a partner does contribute to some of my issues and some is just .... well just life.

I don't sleep well because of the kids and the puppy. Though they are all actually good, it is just the circumstance of having the two. The puppy sleeps pretty well at night and doesn't need to go out, but if one of the kids wakes up, then he thinks it is time to get up. Given my children's sleeping habits, there is almost always someone awake. K is a night owl so she typically goes to sleep after me. I don't really mind so much as long as she is quiet, doesn't bother me and wakes for me in the mornings. H is a morning bird. Getting up before most birds that is. He goes to bed early too. Again, as long as he is quiet. L is somewhere in between the two. I think because of his age, he still sleeps a lot. I think as he gets older, he will be a night owl too. It seems to be his thing. But with him, he stills wakes most nights because he has nightmares, hears a noise or whatever.

With this, there is almost always someone awake and even though the two older ones try to be quiet and not disturb me, but L is still too young and needs me at night sometimes. Therefore, I spend time settling him, settling the puppy and really no matter how quiet the other two are, my house is small and any noise wakes the puppy. Plus the only bathroom is connected to my bedroom, meaning if anyone goes to the bathroom at night, it wakes me and Cowboy.

Hopefully and most likely, once the house remodel is done (if it happens), it will make my nights sooooo much better.

With that said, my doctor seems concerned that I don't sleep well but like I told her yesterday, it is just my life right now. I realize I need to sleep more but at the moment life is what it is. I can complain about it or I can just deal and get sleep when I can.

It means that currently I walk around like a zombie and my house isn't as clean as I would like, I'm not as active as I would like and I just don't think I am as much fun!

But more than that, I feel like I am always running kids around, my life during the week feels so unorganized and my life just feels that way.

I haven't really cooked a dinner in so long, at least one that took any time or more than a few ingredients to make. It has to be simple or it is pizza or burgers delivered or drive-thru. It sucks and when my doctor asked about my appetite and interest in food, I was less than enthusiastic about it. Food just has lost much of its appeal. It is a shame because I think food should be something enjoyed, not just a need. I mean what a shame! Why waste calories on something that you don't want to eat or doesn't taste good to you? Life is too short to not enjoy it and there are too many good things to eat. With that said, balance, moderation for things that are just really bad for you and there are very healthy foods that are amazing to eat!

Soo anyway, my life is what it is and I wouldn't change much of it.... I just want some peace and rest in it. I want to get back to cooking for my kids. I want to feel organized and healthy.

Anyway, I am on a new med now. Was on Zoloft, now trying Cymbalta. This is to help with the aches and pains I feel daily. I think if I can get some of this pain under control some of the other will be a lot more bearable.

I love my kids. I love my dog. I love my life..... Also I really appreciate one special person in it. He makes me smile even when I don't feel like it. He makes me happy and feel important, even when the rest of my life doesn't. I just want to say thank you to him.... and he knows who he is.

And that is just my life. :)

Home sweet home

I am back from my work trip. Did you miss me!??!

It was a successful trip! We had a big recruiting event and it was good. It was great. We had just few hiccups that were super easy to fix. Nothing major and nothing that was in our power. Interviewers and departments wanted to change rooms, interviewers and add interviews. So it was fine. Easy peezy and I was not nearly as tired or drained as I normally am after these. I got to talk with many of the candidates which is both good and bad. I actually get to liking them and then it is a bit heartbreaking (for lack of a better word), when they do not get picked up. We have just a few openings and we had a ton of great, great candidates this time.

Tuesday will suck because of it. Tuesday is our selection meeting. Then I have to send out the decline letters.

But, I did get to see some of our success stories from past events. See this was my first trip to our headquarters and so I haven't gotten to meet many of the people I helped get hired. It was awesome to meet them and they were just like "Wow, you remember me" (meaning their name).

In fact, one candidate had come to a visit that I was able to attend last year in New Orleans. I remembered him but sadly he wasn't selected. When he was on campus in the Fall, the campus team asked me about him because they saw he came to the other event. The concern is "Why wasn't he picked up?" I said that it was just bad timing and he was a great candidate that we would be crazy not to look at him further. He got an offer after that! I was soooo happy for him! I have no idea why. It is like I know him but I just have this sense about some people and I thought he would be good employee for us. Anyway I got to talk to him and he was just so surprised that I remembered him so I was telling them how I see their names over and over, that once they come, I just have to put the name to the face...then I see their names over and over because I am in HR.

Sooooo anyway, good event. I love my job. Can you tell??? I love working with the college kids and I love doing these events. No matter how tired they make me normally.

Then the kids did well. They stayed with my parents. The puppy stayed with them too. My mom just kept saying what a good puppy he is. So smart and obedient. He walks well on a leash, etc. Is it bad that I missed him a teeny, tiny bit more than the kids? Don't get me wrong I missed them like crazy but..... well....

And just for Margaret, I am going to add some video of him soon. Just not ready with it yet. Maybe for Wordless Wednesday.

That's it from here. I had hoped to write while gone but I didn't have a lot of internet time. I do plan to write something almost everyday still. So fingers crossed, I will keep it up now that things are back to normal.

Now off to get caught up on blogs!

Taking a break but....

Not from blogging, just from all the things keeping me from blogging for the last several days.

K has been a part of a play at school. I was really happy that she was part of it.... running crew which if you don't know means that she helped back stage and when there were scene changes, she was part of that.

Last night was the last performance and I helped out back stage too. It was a blast! The kids were fun and it was great to be around the other parents because I almost never get to do stuff like that. I always have the other kids to take care of so if I want to do something for one, I have to have the other two in tow. It makes it near impossible to do anything this way because in this case, it was K who had something going on so it was the boys left out. Well I tried to go help with set building and they were WILD so I had to leave. They were actually jumping off the stage, crawling around in the seats, running all over. They have no will power to stop and punishment does not work.

But, I did get to help a little and that was good for me. I hope that K stays with Drama and next time tries out for a part in the play because she would be sooo good. She had most every one's lines memorizes and had the acting of each down pretty well too.

So I am also getting ready for a big event at work. We travel this week to California for it. I am excited because this will be my first trip to our California office but this is not my first event like this so I am not worried in the least about this event. I am just excited about the trip!

This will be the first time I leave Cowboy. I am sure he will be perfectly fine but I know I will miss him terribly. In a week's time, he will probably grow so much! He is still a great dog. Soooo smart, I am just amazed. Very, very soon he will be going to puppy classes and then we will be on the road to advanced obedience classes. I really want him to do everything and anything. I am just so glad I waited to get a dog and I am really glad that I got him.... I took my time and did research and talked to breeders, rescue groups and others. When all was said and done, I got the best dog for us.

Anywho, I am hoping to blog while on my trip. I am taking both my work laptop and personal one. I just don't' know how busy we will be and if we will have to work late or not.

Sooo anyway that is me for now.... and the kiddos have found me so I have to stop hiding!

Happy Easter and....

I am feeling a bit better than last night. Last night was crazy. I don't know what happened. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Sad. Sleepy from the meds..... etc, etc, etc.....

Today, at this moment, I do feel better. I hope that as the day wears on me, I just roll with it, which is more my style than the other but sometimes a girl has got to cry. It is almost like girl law or something.

Soooooo today is about purging my house which symbolises purging myself.

The kids are doing well. They are just enjoying being home with me. Even H saw some things this time that have him a bit upset and thinking that his dad is inappropriate and that he puts his relationship first before their feelings. Asshole!!! He is soooo going to alienate those kids and I hate it for them all. Even him because he may not realize it now but some day he might. I can only hope that it isn't too late.

So we are enjoying the outside right now and playing with our puppy..... and wishing you all a HAPPY EASTER or if you don't celebrate it, just another great Sunday!

It is SATURDAY!!!!

Do you know what that means?

My kids come home today!!!! Whoooohooooo.

I am very excited that they will be here in just a few hours at most. But the one really nice thing about this time is I had the girlfriend to give me a report! I didn't ask for it, mind you. She just did it. I was sooooo excited to see that email because it gave me a different view on the situation up there. So if K comes back saying she didn't get a lot of time with her dad, I know that she probably got a lot but maybe it just wasn't enough for my poor daddy deprived child.

We'll see.

ALSO, today we are having our family March bday celebration. That includes me being that my bday was March 2. I love this day because I share the month with two very special people to me. My grandmother (mom's mom) and my cousin. I do also share it with one other person, she really isn't bad but I can only take her in small doses. But I do like her.

My Army brother is in town too!!!! with his new girlfriend who I can't wait to meet. They just arrived at my folks' house so I need to get a few chores done and then head over there before the crowd gets there.

HAPPY EASTER (weekend) to all!!!!!!

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

Not sure what to lead off with here.... I miss the kids, I know at least one is missing home a lot! She text messages or calls me DAILY!!!!! Last night was "Help me, I can't take this. I want to come home." It is like a cry for help that I can't answer. On one hand I don't feel bad at all!!!! But the other.... well damn my baby is sad and I want to fix it. Truth be told I want to fix everyone.

Also, I'm on a new med to help me sleep and BOY does it make me sleep..... well actually not so much sleep as it makes me SLEEPY!!! ALL DAY!!! and dizzy too. Ack! So now I am on two meds and still not feeling "fixed".... My electric shock therapy is my next step. Okay maybe not.....

The puppy is doing GREAT! Okay so he is a baby and is a spoiled, rotten brat!!!! But he is smart. Knows most of the basic commands, except the one about not biting me! Overall a good boy and so much fun.

Good stuff at work. I love my job though this week I have been off because of the meds. But, I just had my yearly review and it was GREAT! I got a nice little raise. Got my contractor service bridged for my benefits. It doesn't change my service date but just for how much vacation I get, sick leave and gets me a year closer to retirement! I guess that's about it from me......

There is probably more but my brain has stopped working. I guess the two meds have met and it is time for sleeping. :)


Because Margaret asked!!!! Here are some puppy pics.

"Do something for yourself this week"

So with the kids gone, everyone keeps telling me to do something for myself this week, to get out and enjoy myself. And yes, I do agree with that thinking but I don't think everyone has the same idea of what would be fun for me.

Several people have told me to go out a lot. But I am more of the at home type. I am an introvert. I get energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people makes me tired and anxious. Though I don't mind some.

I do plan to enjoy myself but I don't plan to go out much, if at all. Though I did enjoy a really nice evening with Goofball last night. Even after all this time, I get really excited to see him each time. It was truly a nice evening.

Anyway, the kids seem to be doing okay, though K has text messaged several times each day and called me a few times too. Today the first text said, "Help me." It was nothing..... she said she just missed me. *sigh* It will be nice to get those babies home with me.

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger lately and for that, well I am sorry.

If I used to visit your blog and I haven't or I haven't commented recently. I am very sorry! I am not ignoring you, I'm just.... blah.

If you have sent me an email asking about linking to me, I am not ignoring you, I am just blah.

If you miss me writing more often, I am not dead and haven't quit blogging, I am just blah!

Basically I am going back to the doc this Friday to discuss my meds. I think an increase is in order. Not to mention I am way busy with the new puppy. He is totally AWESOME!!!!! He is way smart. Knows tons of stuff already and went to the Vet today for the first time (with me anyway). He weighs nearly 16 lbs. Big boy at just 10 wks old.

Then there are the kiddos. I have been busy with them. They are leaving on Saturday to visit their dad. While I know I will miss them, I am ready. I need a break!

Also I haven't mentioned but I have been talking with my ex' girlfriend. I have to admit, I really like her. We do have a lot in common and she seems really nice. I figured she is sticking around (may even be the future step-mom), I should get to know her a bit. Might sound a bit crazy but who said there were rules in divorce?? We agreed that we could set our own rules on what works for us.

I have also started chatting with my ex-Sister-in-law (ex-SIL). I always loved her, probably much more than I loved my ex. I was more upset about "losing" her in the divorce than I was him. I knew he and I were over but she and I were pretty close. I miss her so much.

And really other than just having a Bday, still seeing Goofball and looking at doing some remodeling on my house.... There is not much else going on. Just busy, busy, busy and sleepy. :)

Again, bloggy friends, I am hoping to reconnect with you all soon.

Thanks....

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I was not doing okay. I was depressed. I have suffered for so long with it (off and on) that I know when.... Really need to go on meds..... Also I know when I just must have a therapist and thankfully I have been talking with a great one! Which reminds me... I need to make my next appt.

But, anyway, I got a good night's sleep and it feels better today.

I think my problem was this. I was depressed and when I get like that, I withdraw. So I think in some ways that is what I was doing with the kids or feeling.

Plus someone said to me that my kids were with my ex in a more "normal" family life situation. He has his girlfriend and they live together. So they have kind of a whole family thing going on out there and maybe I am just jealous.

Other things that people have told me are that I haven't had my "hatred" spell with my ex. I agree with that to a point but then our marriage was over long before it actually ended so I really think I had gone through all that long before. And, while I do have bad feelings towards him, I think that at this point, it is normal feelings.

Sooooo anyway, I am feeling so much better today. So, so, so much better!

Back to life, back to reality

With the holidays behind us and the new year ahead, we are getting back in the swing of things. The kids didn't have school today but do tomorrow. I worked for half the day today. It was nice to ease back into things.

Now we are all just kicked back, chatting and watching some tv together.

I am looking forward to this year. We have plans. We are actually going to take a vacation. This will be the first time I will be taking the kids on vacation alone! Well I guess that isn't completely true. When we lived in Fargo I did drive home with the three kids alone but it shouldn't really count because we stayed with my parents.

So our vacation is to go back to Pensacola where K and H were born and where I lived for nearly 4 years while in the Navy. I can't wait! I need to start planning it out. I'm so excited.

We are also planning to get all the grandkids together. Between my brothers and I, we have 9 children. We have had 8 of them together but my youngest bro has a new baby. The plan is for us all to travel either to Colorado where my youngest bro lives or meeting somewhere between here and there.

Also hoping to make some changes to the summer schedule for the kiddos. K and L both have summer bdays and they want to spend it with me this year. So not sure yet how that will play out.

Some other things are a new car, some new living room furniture and maybe a new dog.

So that is it in a really quick update on things with us!

Oohh by the way....

First of all this is my third post today after much silence. That is what therapy does to me. Ha, ha.

Anyway I never gave a cell phone update. She never found it. In fact, someone was using it so it was stolen. I had called the company to start the insurance claim process...they told me someone was using it.

So needless to say, they stopped service to that SIM card, and shipped us a new one.

Also, I had to put another $800 into my car last week (thanks mom and dad for the loan).... and this week I had to take it back in to get the same problem fixed. Crossing fingers.

That is that.