Change is good!

I changed my blog template (just another random one.... need to custom that more). I have changed my tag line to better fit me but I am keeping the name.

Final decision!

Wow I can't believe how long it has been since I really, really posted much other than my random "Should I keep or dump the blog" thoughts.

The past year has been both very sad and very good at the same time. Funny how things change and how life just kinda passes by.

Nothing really big has happened in my life though. My kids are still the same, though growing more and more independent and into grown ups everyday. Even the little one has changed so much in the past year. He is so funny and is learning so much! My daughter is nearly driving age which I just can't even imagine at this point but it is coming faster and faster. My other son is so smart and so funny but so misunderstood by his peers and even some adults. He is very special and very unique.

I guess that was a little backwards in posting about them but it was how it came to me.

Goofball and I are good. He is so amazing. Such a great person, treats me so well and I just can't imagine that this was missing from my life for.... well ever until June 2006.... and it just seems like it is better everyday. We don't live together but we get together often and just hang out. My kids think he is great and they are starting to try more foods because of him. I can't take credit at all!

My pup is not really a pup anymore. He is over 2 yrs old and is so smart which is awesome and frustrating at the same time. He has learned our morning routine and knows the days we are going to school/work meaning he will be in his kennel all day. He gets so sad on those mornings. He isn't allowed in my room on work day mornings because he hides under the bed.

I still struggle with daily things (as you read in my below post) but time doesn't stop so I just deal and move on.

For those going through a divorce now, new to the single mom thing, just give yourself a break. Do what you can, know and understand you can't control everything and try to be civil for the kids. It has made a world of difference in my life. I still have road bump moments but overall, life is good.

What's in a name? .... Everything!

The name of my blog is Single Mom Finding Herself. I started writing this about 3 yrs ago (actually in May it will be 3 yrs). I had tried two times before to start a blog but I couldn't find my niche, the thing that would make me want to write and make me stand out a bit.

At the time I was starting a journey of going from being a couple with children to being two separate people with children. He was moving 200+ miles away and I was going to school, looking for permanent work and trying hard to raise three children.... Oh and trying to date.... but first that would take sorting through what I had become and looking deep for the person I really was.

My marriage had nearly killed me. My soul was sold to that man in 1999 when I decided to not go through with the divorce then. That haunted me year after year. Until August 2004, when an old boyfriend came back into my life, only via emails and IM, but I was able to put some closure of hurt that I still carried from that relationship and break up. It made me strong and I knew what I had to do. It took months but I finally got my husband (now ex) to agree to let me come home and look for a job. I knew I wasn't going back and so did he. He likes to remember it differently and that is okay. We all have our own views on life... this is mine. I knew that by coming back here, I was going to get a divorce. Though I did try a few times that last year.... it was really over.

This is why I started my blog and Single Mom Finding Herself fit then and still fits now. It really describes me and to be honest I have thought a lot about starting a new blog to give myself a little anonymity. Many people know about this blog now, even though I haven't been as active lately, my name is still out there. There are things I want to write about that I would rather people that know me, not read. Why? I don't know. Everyone can have a few secrets, right?

Recently I was talking with M is for Misanthrope, as part of our conversation, she said how my name really holds true because I am still on a road of discovery. Okay, maybe not her exact words but ya know.... I think we are all doing that, everyday. We change and rediscovery something about our self everyday.

So my blog is here to stay. I do not have another blog. I do not plan to start another and the only way I would is if I took my name with me.... I will just follow my dad's long given advice of "Don't write anything you don't want someone to read."

Besides, if I don't keep up the blog, my book won't make as much sense!

Of Christmases Past…. And gift giving…

So this would be our 3rd Christmas since we started dating. First year too soon for gifts, but we did give cards. Perfect. Second year bowling bag for him, wireless router for me. Stories behind these? Yes. Practical gifts? Yes probably.

Now we are staring down the barrel of another holiday/gift giving season and what do you give someone who really needs very little, that you don’t live with but have known for going on 3 yr?? Oh and are super crazy about!

I know I’m clueless too.

He and I recently discussed this. He brought it up saying he was going to write about it and it was funny because I have been thinking about writing about this very topic.

We talked briefly about gift giving and our exes. Mine was not very good at this but not because I had high standards. I love kitchen items but honestly folks they make shredded cheese for people just like me (read: LAZY!)…. What do I want with an electric cheese grater? No not a food processor because that would make too much sense…. A gadget that you have to hold a button on each side of, push at the same time and then a blade moves up and down while you hold the cheese with your other hand. Awesome.

My list has almost always been the same basic list….. Candles, bath stuff (go to Bath and Body works and buy just about anything, I’m happy), pajamas and books (I read just about anything!)….. That’s it! I always told him the same things each year because he had “themed” gift giving. “Oh look a workout video…. Oh and another one…. Oh and workout clothes…. Wait, hmmm what are you saying? Oh I get it.” Then the Christmas everything was apple stuff for the kitchen. Yes I liked apples and thought they were cute in the kitchen, and yes I bought a few items but that was all I wanted…. If I was at the store and said, “Oh that is cute.” I didn’t mean “oh that is cute please buy me every piece possible.”

But I digress.

You will notice though that jewelry is not on my list. I am not a super big jewelry girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love jewelry and I think it is fun to get it but at the same time, it kinda makes me panic and I have a hard time breathing if I receive it. Why? Baggage. My ex went through a spell when he gave me a lot of jewelry. It was in 1998 which I identify as the turning point in my marriage. The point when I knew this was not the person I was going to grow old with. He bought me a $3,000 ring. Why? I don’t know… I called it the guilt ring. At first I wore it because I really did want my marriage to work but at some point I took it off, put it back in the box and gave it back. He didn’t take it so in a box it sat most of the time. Sometimes I would take it out and look it. Usually I would shake my head and put it back.

I’m a simply gal. A simple ring, a simple necklace, earrings, bracelet… these are the things I like but simple or even unique is the key. I don’t even know what the difference is in jewelry from this store or that. I hear all the commercials for this big chain or that one but truly have no idea the quality difference or even if there is one. And what do I need with fancy jewelry anyway? I go no where fancy and have no clothing to match it!

Sadly I typically by jewelry at Claire’s, Icing, Charming Charlie’s or even Target. Places like this.

Does this make it hard to buy me gifts? Gosh I hope not! I am really not picky and would be happy with anything that I thought the giver had put thought into, especially if it is something like a wireless router. That was probably one of the coolest gifts I have been given…. Why?? Because it was very thoughtful and given for a great reason. I use it everyday! What could be better?!

As to what I might want this year….. hell I don’t know!? I need almost nothing. Like I said I am simple and practical. I have been on my own too long, I just buy the things I want and need. Like I told the kids I want something to put my make up in but then I said but I’ll probably buy that. Then I want a new bird feeder but this time I want to actually hang it or attach it to the tree or fence some how. But I will probably end up doing that too. Or a wind chime for outside my new window or a new teddy bear…. My kids keep stealing all mine! Or a new spatula…. Yes seriously!

But this doesn’t solve my problem…. What do I give this amazing man?! :)

In reply to my Navy "regrets"

I posted a meme and one of the questions was "3 things I regret"..... The Exception questioned why I left and why I wish I hadn't. Rather than just post my reply in the comments. I figured I would tell the story here.

1992 I joined the Navy for many, many reasons. Basically I needed a huge change in my life and it was sort of like running away from home but not really. And, not really from home but from my current life because it just wasn't going where I wanted it to. So not really running away in the hopes of getting away from problems.... just running away in the sense of change.

Love it from the word go. Boot camp was actually kinda fun! Yes, fun! I loved the physical challenge of it. I loved the discipline of it. Did not like parts but overall, it was a great experience. Ask me my favorite part and I'll tell you it was the week of Fire and Damage Control. That is the week we went in the gas chamber.....

First duty station was a helicopter training squadron. Over the 3 1/2 yrs I was there, I did just about everything. I quickly became the expert in most of the Admin things. I worked in Student Control inputting student grades, keeping track of flight times and making sure that the pilot-to-be didn't miss a step in training. I also did the new student orientation and helped organizing the winging ceremony! It rocked! I then worked in our Admin office which basically ran the whole squadron. There we took care of the staff and instructors. I did Legal when I worked there too. Oh and supplies and I went from an E-1 - E-4 by the time I left. I earned my Air warfare Specialist wings too! I couldn't fly but it meant I knew about all aspects of aviation. I got to ride in a helicopter which was the best thing EVER!!!!!

This is also when I meet my husband and had our first two kids. So that first 4 years just flew by!

We then went to Norfolk, VA. I worked for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic.... or SACLANT or the bigger name of NATO. This was a huge assignment, I thought. I ranked up again within just a few months of being here.

Let me explain that really quick. You have to be in your current rank for X amount of time and between each the time gets longer (as you move up). Then when you are ready, you have to complete a certain amount of course work and training, then you take a test. Your evaluation, test score and points for certain awards gave you a score. If you scored higher than the cut-off, you were then ranked up.

I had a great experience here too. But, it was also during this 4 years that I knew that I wanted a divorce. I know the exact moment I knew we would get a divorce. December 1998. He rejected me yet another time to watch TV.... I had shaved (if ya know what I mean).... Came to him in a sexy outfit and he told me to move so he could watch his show. He said he would come upstairs after he was done with his show. Well he didn't get any that night or any for the next year at least. I started talking to a lawyer but in the state of VA you have to be separated for a year before you can file. During that time we did go to counseling but were both seeing other people too.

So time, some how, we stayed together. I don't know why. I guess I just decided that this is who I was just going to be with unhappy or not. So we stayed together. But, we just had spells when one or the other of us wanted out. We never quite recovered.

Well he was never very plugged in to the kids. Especially H who some how became the scapegoat of everything that was going wrong. H was the reason I was fat. H was the reason my body had changed...... And, while yeah, in a way its true. I DO NOT blame my child for that nor take out my frustrations out on him for it.... My ex did. He said it ALL the time! He also compared the kids a lot. I also couldn't trust him to feed them well. He just let them snack but never would feed them meals (he has come a long way with this). He never really engaged them in activities and things.... I just felt like it was all me!

So when the time came to decide if I would take orders to a new duty station and reenlist again or get out..... I called to see what was available. I could go to a ship or overseas without my kids. I thought about it and decided that it was in their best interest to get out and move back home. I wanted them to have a more stable life (which after 7 years I feel they finally have).

So basically I got out because I didn't want to leave my kids and I wanted to make sure that I was around them. But also I don't like moving every 3-4 yrs and being in limbo while you wait to pick orders or are assigned orders....

I wish that my ex would have been more plugged in to our family or at least just the kids. Then I would have stayed in.... or at least I might have.

And, another thing I left out, my ex was in but he was medically discharged so that made my decision easier. He was going to be in so I just figured I would get out.

I really miss that life. The structure of it sometimes though. It was like a big family. And, when the USS Cole was bombed in 2000. I cried because that was one of the ships they asked for me to go on. I would have been on it when it was bombed. I felt like I should have been there with my shipmates...... And, the 9/11, I wanted to go back in. And now with the war in Iraq..... granted I would just be on a ship or something but I should be in.

Oh well that is my story.....