The one in which I whine a lot or one sick puppy

Soooo I just got back from the doctor. 3rd urinary tract infection in like 2 mths. Ack! But if that isn't bad enough.... sinus infection. Awesome!

This is miserable. Fever. Aches. Pain. Whine, whine, whine.

My brother is coming tomorrow for lunch. He will be going to Iraq again soon and I want to see him so I have to feel better or at least well enough to see him tomorrow.

But despite all that.... I am pretty thankful for well everything.... My kids. Goofball. My family. My house. My job.... etc....

So even if things seem miserable and you feel like crap! There is a lot to be thankful for.

Too much time on my hands or....

I have been watching a lot of television but I just lovey this commercial.

Oh and yes, I am still on medical leave from work. We can't figure it out and by we, I mean the doctors. I had some more blood drawn today. Getting a 24hr EEG on Thursday/Friday. Gotta see my counselor again. Need to get a MRI and also need to contact a new doc about pain management. Also need to fit in another trip to both my primary care and the neurologist.... all before the 25th.... or there about....

Feeling like a whiny baby!

and hating it! But I can't help it right now. I feel like crap! and I just want to lay down.

I have noticed my mood lately is either a big cry baby or I am pissed as hell. I am like mood swinging queen right now. I hate it! I hate it! I double hate it! (or maybe that is triple)

I feel like I am seriously fighting with myself. I keep thinking I should write about it (maybe a short story), call it the turmoil of a brain, or something cheesy like that. Maybe about how I can "hear" myself, the self I feel I am, in there somewhere but just barely because I have crazy me and angry me and wrapped up in herself me all fighting. And just so many other things that don't make sense.

I told my dad last night something like, "Well if you could hear what is going on in my head, you would know I am crazy." and I really believe that I am losing my mind.

And everyone keeps giving me well meant advise but what I need is for myself to get stronger and quiet the rest of the emotions and feelings in my head. Not so that I don't feel but so that I feel like me again. I know it will take some time, some rest and a lot of sorting it out as well as a lot of support, or at least as much as I can get.... Some people seem to be supporting me from as far away as possible. Some people just seem hell bent on keeping me down. And I am sure there are many more who are the same place as me.... "What can I do to help?" the answer..... I don't know.

If you got this far and still want to be my friend, woohoo! I will make you cookies or maybe a homemade ice cream sandwich. Or at least I will really appreciate it.... Thanks.

Update and stuff

Hello. Thanks for the well wishes. I am feeling much better and we have a solution for now. We are going to take me off the Cymbalta (wean me off, not cold turkey, YIKES). We believe that I am having some of the more serious side effects. And while I know Wikipedia isn't always viewed as a credible source, I find this article very accurate in knowing many of the symptoms I have been having....

Anyway, I started taking 30 mg today and will continue this for a week and then no more.

Still no word on the job. Still not sure when the remodel will start. Not sure when I get my babies back. I have no idea on much, do I?

So that is that. Hopefully I will have some good blog entries posted soon. I have tons of notes and half things written, just haven't felt up to posting.

Health issues....

So for several weeks or so, I have been having some weird symptoms. But then on Thursday I started having seizures or ticks, I guess. I am not sure. The docs are calling them seizures or seizure-like. Thursday I was taken by ambulance to the ER but most of that was not just the seizure activity, I was so scared I had an anxiety attack with it.

Then on Friday I had these episodes almost continuously from 8:30 am until 1:00 pm. They were me out but I wasn't as scared about it. Not that I am not worried but at least not scared.

Soooo no answers but a lot of tests so far. I have a few more appointments this coming week so hopefully I will get an answer soon.

Where do they all go?

So I have noticed lately that all my plastic food storage containers have gone missing, and really not all of them, just the lid or just the container. I either have one or the other but in very few cases do I have both!

What’s up with that?

It is a mystery for sure, like where the missing socks are, or what happened to the dinosaurs, or what’s that thing in the night sky?

I know not too long ago I had almost every single one. I know this because my oldest niece went through my cabinet and matched everything! There were a few that didn’t have a mate but most all of them did. Now just the opposite is true.

This is not good because I have to make some really big changes in my life; most specifically in what I and the kids eat. I know it and have known it for a long time…. And really it takes a lot of organization for me to do this and stick to it. Hence the need for the storage containers (as well as baggies and well a whole list of things)

I want to and have to start taking my lunch to work (like I did today). I need to cut up veggies and fruit to make them more readily available and need to be able to pack these items easily. I also need to get something to carry drinks with me. I guess I could just buy bottled water but (and this is not a bad thing exactly) the kids just plow through the water bottles so sometimes we run out long before I can go buy more. The rule will be that bottles only when taking drinks out of the house. Water in the house can come from filtered water into a cup! (Yes I need to explain in that much detail to them!)

Why the sudden need to eat better? I have always been a bit of a slacker here. Trying to save myself some frustration, time and energy; however, I am going to the doctor next week and I know I will need to make these changes in order to fix what is wrong. I have not felt right for a while, and I’m pretty sure it is food and weight related (like totally duh! Right?) It is also probably stress, lifestyle and depression/anxiety related. I am just hoping that this is it; that this is all that is wrong…. These are easier fixes!

So I am taking small steps now to get to the goal I want (happy and healthy and feeling good). So far I have almost completely eliminated sodas which are my biggest problem and I have almost completely cut those out. I had one today but I haven’t had one in ….. well just less than a week but it was several days in a row without and then before that slip it was several days in a row…. The one I had today I only took a few sips before I realized, I just don’t like this anymore! That is huge!

Anyway, this is not a resolution because of the New Year. It is just a realization that my health is in jeopardy right now and I do not want my ex to get the kids!

So now, I just need to make a shopping trip to get more storage containers! Oh and a few other things but organization is going to be huge in getting this to work and stick.

Monday and MRI and what I miss

Well I haven't mentioned but the last month has been very painful. I don't know what the heck I did, something goofy I'm sure... but I pinched a nerve, pulled a muscle or something in my back and neck, mostly neck. It hurts. I'm usually pretty good with pain but this is the no-relief kind.

So I went to the doc after the first two weeks because I just couldn't take it anymore. X-ray, shot of pain meds, shot of steriods and then a prescriptions for pain med and muscle relaxer. No lifting, now how realistic is that? I have kids. But fine. I went home and slept. Woke, not bad. A little hang over feeling.

Later that night, PAIN! The meds didn't work. For another week I lived with it. Not well mind you because on Saturday, Dec 2, we went to a b-day party for my cousin's daugther and it was nice but I got a migraine and had a date with goofball later that night. Had my kids all set to go to family's houses for sleepovers. I tried everything to feel better. He gets here and while the migraine part wasn't so bad, I was not doing well. We just chilled at the house and I really hope he didn't mind that I was not quite myself.

Anywho, fast forward to Dec 7th, I got to work and I just fell apart at my desk. The pain was so bad, I had tears running down my face. Not crying, just tears. It hurt. Talked to my supervisor and went straight back to the doc. Shot for pain, shot of steriods, two new meds for pain and muscle relaxers but scheduled for MRI on Monday, tomorrow Dec 11th to be exact.

Now here is what I miss. I miss having someone to go with me and tell me it is going to be okay. Someone maybe hold my hand until it is time, give me a hug and wait with me for the results all along telling me it is nothing. And, yeah I can tell myself all this because I'm sure this is just something goofy I did lifting stuff, being a mom and being that I have had some trouble since being rear-ended back in Feb 2003, I'm sure that's it..... But, it is different having a husband or at least a boyfriend with you to do these things. With that said, the goofball has been really sweet to ask how I'm doing. We aren't a couple, just friends but I keep thinking what the heck is he thinking of me? I'm just a big whiner, right? I freakin' feel like it! I hate feeling like this!!!

So I want a hero. I want someone to lean on. Even if I can be strong on my own, I am a girl afterall.... we all want a hero.