I just watched this movie. If you have never heard of it, it came out in 1995 and has Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine and Randy Quaid as the main characters. Its about three divorced dad's and shows a weekend with their kids, and basically the ups and downs of divorce.
Now I have seen this movie before, many, many times. I really like it! But, I haven't watched it in more than a year maybe two years. It is very different watching it now since this is my life now.
Well sort of. I didn't realize how upset, angry and well bitter I am that he lives in Dallas. He can't see the kids often. In fact, the next time he sees them is in 2 weeks and he hasn't seen them in at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why he is okay with this. I mean I would go insane if I couldn't see my kids. I enjoy getting a break from them, but I would just miss them too much if I knew I wasn't going to see them for 4-5 weeks at a time.
I feel so guilty because I feel like I have really failed my kids by not making this work.... but ya know it wasn't me. I didn't fail. We tried much longer than we should have and maybe it would have been easier on them if we would have called it quits years ago. I usually live by the motto "No Regrets" so I won't really wish to go back in time and I will just do as I normally do and make the best of it.
But how do I answer my children's questions. Why? Why aren't you still with Daddy? Why isn't Daddy here? When will we see him? Why doesn't he call us? Why isn't he calling us back? It just breaks my heart and takes all my will power and strength not to tell them the truth. I just try to answer the best I can, give a little reassuring smile, a hug.... and then distract them with a game or send them out to play.
Ya know at the end of the day, I know that I am here. I am doing what is in their best interest. Reassuring them that I will be here for them. Giving them a stable life, or the best I can. He has made his choices and now he must live with it.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Meet and Greet
Sooo yesterday I final meet up with a guy I have been talking to for just about 2 mths. It went well. We meet for ice cream (milkshakes) and just sat outside chatting and watching the world go by.
It was nice after two strikes to get a nice guy that was fun to talk with and laugh with. He was exactly who I was expecting to meet which was REALLY nice, again after two strikes.
He is just really laid back and fun. No pressure. No expectations. This is all so refreshing because I don't need these things right now. I want to ... I don't know if its dating or what but anyway.... to date someone that is just fun, easy to talk to and we have a few things in common with. He fits in that perfect.
We are talking about meeting up again. I do hope we do because it was so nice and after the year I have had.... well it was just that's it... nice!
It was nice after two strikes to get a nice guy that was fun to talk with and laugh with. He was exactly who I was expecting to meet which was REALLY nice, again after two strikes.
He is just really laid back and fun. No pressure. No expectations. This is all so refreshing because I don't need these things right now. I want to ... I don't know if its dating or what but anyway.... to date someone that is just fun, easy to talk to and we have a few things in common with. He fits in that perfect.
We are talking about meeting up again. I do hope we do because it was so nice and after the year I have had.... well it was just that's it... nice!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Depression
The following blog was inspired by an email to a friend. Some of the wording comes straight from the email.
Depression, it’s a funny thing. Okay not like ha, ha funny but strange.
Today for example, I'm in a good mood... sort of. I can feel the bit of depression just below the surface. Basically I could burst in to tears at any moment and for no reason. I freakin' hate this feeling!!!! Why can't I just be normal?? Or maybe this is normal...
And, really what is normal. Maybe I am normal. Maybe everyone feels this way, okay not everyone but a lot more people than will admit it. It’s not something people seem to talk a lot about and when they do it seems to be a shameful thing. Sure there are new ad campaigns out about “Depression hurts” (oh and let me tell you it sure the heck does) to promote awareness. But, ya know it just isn’t a normal conversation topic.
Like people will say things like “I think I’m coming down with something.” Or “I’m getting a cold.” Or even “Wow, I have the worst cold.” Why can’t we say things like this about depression? People also seem more quick to go to the doctor for a cold or flu but very hesitate and again almost ashamed to go for depression.
Yes I used to be one of those. But, ya know, its okay to admit you are depressed because if you don’t, how can you get help, nobody knows to help you and you can’t even help yourself out of it. Why is it such a bad thing to say we are depressed? Is it “Girl Interpreted” like to say you are depressed, as in you will be put in a hospital for it? Is this where the shame comes from? Because we, as a society, haven’t truly gotten passed that and don’t really know how to deal with it so rather than deal with the actual problem; ignore it, lock it up or call it bad.
Thinking Andrea Yates. My heart just breaks for them. Her, her family and those poor babies. She was very sick and if we were more aware of depression (in all forms) would this have been preventable? Maybe not but at least something….
Anyway, I could probably write about depression for pages and pages because it is something I know all too well and something I am passionate about . Maybe someday I will even write a Bestselling book all about depression….. Hey I can dream right?
Depression, it’s a funny thing. Okay not like ha, ha funny but strange.
Today for example, I'm in a good mood... sort of. I can feel the bit of depression just below the surface. Basically I could burst in to tears at any moment and for no reason. I freakin' hate this feeling!!!! Why can't I just be normal?? Or maybe this is normal...
And, really what is normal. Maybe I am normal. Maybe everyone feels this way, okay not everyone but a lot more people than will admit it. It’s not something people seem to talk a lot about and when they do it seems to be a shameful thing. Sure there are new ad campaigns out about “Depression hurts” (oh and let me tell you it sure the heck does) to promote awareness. But, ya know it just isn’t a normal conversation topic.
Like people will say things like “I think I’m coming down with something.” Or “I’m getting a cold.” Or even “Wow, I have the worst cold.” Why can’t we say things like this about depression? People also seem more quick to go to the doctor for a cold or flu but very hesitate and again almost ashamed to go for depression.
Yes I used to be one of those. But, ya know, its okay to admit you are depressed because if you don’t, how can you get help, nobody knows to help you and you can’t even help yourself out of it. Why is it such a bad thing to say we are depressed? Is it “Girl Interpreted” like to say you are depressed, as in you will be put in a hospital for it? Is this where the shame comes from? Because we, as a society, haven’t truly gotten passed that and don’t really know how to deal with it so rather than deal with the actual problem; ignore it, lock it up or call it bad.
Thinking Andrea Yates. My heart just breaks for them. Her, her family and those poor babies. She was very sick and if we were more aware of depression (in all forms) would this have been preventable? Maybe not but at least something….
Anyway, I could probably write about depression for pages and pages because it is something I know all too well and something I am passionate about . Maybe someday I will even write a Bestselling book all about depression….. Hey I can dream right?
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Cooking
I need to cook more. What is wrong with me lately!? I haven't really cooked much in a long time or so it feels.
I used to cook just about every night with the occassional out to eat. Now it seems like we pick up or having something delivered more often than not. Or, I do something super easy like sandwiches, frozen pizza or something like this. Not really a meal and it takes no time at all.
Is it school? But, I have been in school for almost 4 yrs now and I was cooking during this time. But, then I think, I was staying at home (not work) for just over 2 years of that time so maybe that's it.
Is it my lack of motivation? I actually love to cook and my children are super picky, just like dad. It is frustrating and makes cooking no fun! Yep this could be part of it too.
Is it being single? Maybe this too because there isn't someone here (besides my children) that I'm cooking for... someone special. Ya know?
I think I'm going to set a goal for myself that I will start cooking more. I will set myself up to succeed. How? I will pre-cook items, like meats/chicken so that I can just heat and eat with some sides, like a salad and veggies. Then set myself up some easy, healthy desserts too so it seems more special. I think I will also teach the kids (the older two) how to cook. I know I was cooking around their age.
I really want to do this. I really need to do this. So it shall be....
I used to cook just about every night with the occassional out to eat. Now it seems like we pick up or having something delivered more often than not. Or, I do something super easy like sandwiches, frozen pizza or something like this. Not really a meal and it takes no time at all.
Is it school? But, I have been in school for almost 4 yrs now and I was cooking during this time. But, then I think, I was staying at home (not work) for just over 2 years of that time so maybe that's it.
Is it my lack of motivation? I actually love to cook and my children are super picky, just like dad. It is frustrating and makes cooking no fun! Yep this could be part of it too.
Is it being single? Maybe this too because there isn't someone here (besides my children) that I'm cooking for... someone special. Ya know?
I think I'm going to set a goal for myself that I will start cooking more. I will set myself up to succeed. How? I will pre-cook items, like meats/chicken so that I can just heat and eat with some sides, like a salad and veggies. Then set myself up some easy, healthy desserts too so it seems more special. I think I will also teach the kids (the older two) how to cook. I know I was cooking around their age.
I really want to do this. I really need to do this. So it shall be....
Friday, August 11, 2006
Dating
Do I really want to do the whole dating thing?
While leaving work the other day, I was watching this guy who was walking out in front of me. He had a very unique, and I’ll just say it, strange walk that’s why it caught my eye. Kind of “George Jefferson” like…. (from the Jefferson’s TV Show)….
But something else happened in that moment, besides thinking “Who walks like that!?”….I realized something…. If I start dating more and then find a boyfriend, I have to learn all these things about him. The way he walks, what makes him laugh, his mannerisms, what are his pet peeves…. And on and on and on.
While this is par for the course in meeting people and dating, I just want to get to that comfortable, familiar place. I know, I know part of the fun is getting to know someone new and learning all these things out about them and they you. I guess it is more I want to be in that part of the relationship where it is still new but at the point where it is comfortable also, maybe 2-3, maybe even 4 months into it.
So I guess what I’m saying is I want my cake and eat it too.
While leaving work the other day, I was watching this guy who was walking out in front of me. He had a very unique, and I’ll just say it, strange walk that’s why it caught my eye. Kind of “George Jefferson” like…. (from the Jefferson’s TV Show)….
But something else happened in that moment, besides thinking “Who walks like that!?”….I realized something…. If I start dating more and then find a boyfriend, I have to learn all these things about him. The way he walks, what makes him laugh, his mannerisms, what are his pet peeves…. And on and on and on.
While this is par for the course in meeting people and dating, I just want to get to that comfortable, familiar place. I know, I know part of the fun is getting to know someone new and learning all these things out about them and they you. I guess it is more I want to be in that part of the relationship where it is still new but at the point where it is comfortable also, maybe 2-3, maybe even 4 months into it.
So I guess what I’m saying is I want my cake and eat it too.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
5 More.....
.... classes that is!!!! I am about to finish a class and on Tuesday I will start a new one..... Meaning as of Tuesday I will only have 4 more!!!! (okay sort of).
I AM SOOOOOO READY TO BE DONE!!!!! But I'm just so proud of myself because of all the times I wanted to quit and didn't. Because of overcoming many obstacules (sp?) to finish and even more because I have a fairly good GPA.... currently 3.72 (hoping for a tiny bit higher before its all said and done).
For anyone that knows me well, I am the first to say that I did horrible in HS. Its no secret. It was a really struggle for me to get the Cs, Ds and Fs that I did get....with some Bs and even rarer was an A.
But, here am I only a few classes away from being a college graduate! Something I have wanted for sooo long and needed AND even more importantly have exceeded my own expectations for myself.
Now I just have to decide what to do about my Master's. I'm thinking I should do a ground school (go to a campus) to do this because maybe it will be taken more seriously than getting one online..... but I will say this.... I learn far better online than I ever have in a classroom. I'm too much of an introvert and get too distracted to learn well in a class environment.
My hope is that online colleges will become more accepted and more common so that I can continue with it because at the end of the day..... I know that I have truly learned a lot!!!!! More than I ever could in a class.
I AM SOOOOOO READY TO BE DONE!!!!! But I'm just so proud of myself because of all the times I wanted to quit and didn't. Because of overcoming many obstacules (sp?) to finish and even more because I have a fairly good GPA.... currently 3.72 (hoping for a tiny bit higher before its all said and done).
For anyone that knows me well, I am the first to say that I did horrible in HS. Its no secret. It was a really struggle for me to get the Cs, Ds and Fs that I did get....with some Bs and even rarer was an A.
But, here am I only a few classes away from being a college graduate! Something I have wanted for sooo long and needed AND even more importantly have exceeded my own expectations for myself.
Now I just have to decide what to do about my Master's. I'm thinking I should do a ground school (go to a campus) to do this because maybe it will be taken more seriously than getting one online..... but I will say this.... I learn far better online than I ever have in a classroom. I'm too much of an introvert and get too distracted to learn well in a class environment.
My hope is that online colleges will become more accepted and more common so that I can continue with it because at the end of the day..... I know that I have truly learned a lot!!!!! More than I ever could in a class.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Tuesday
Well here it is Tuesday, Aug 8 2006. I can't believe how fast the year is flying by.
Soo much has happened this year already and so much more is to come!
I didn't have much to blog about but felt the need to write. I have been a bit of a wreck this past week or so. Depression hit me hard, out of no where or so it felt. It was nice not to be depressed for a while and now that it is over... I'm glad its over. I hate when I feel that way.
Many little (or big) stressors right now. The big one being money (Money isn't everything, but its a main focus when you don't have enough!). I was doing fairly well for a while. But, bam, car trouble. I mentioned that my car needs work.... well a new engine to be exact. How much is that you might be wondering? Well only.... $4000.... oh plus the rental car of roughly $300 for the week..... Sigh, just when I thought I might be able to afford to get away for a weekend or maybe even two. Ah well such is life.
No dating updates. No divorces updates. No kid updates. No school updates. No work updates.
So I am just going to sit here and daydream about winning the Lotto. Hey, someone is going to win, why not me?
Soo much has happened this year already and so much more is to come!
I didn't have much to blog about but felt the need to write. I have been a bit of a wreck this past week or so. Depression hit me hard, out of no where or so it felt. It was nice not to be depressed for a while and now that it is over... I'm glad its over. I hate when I feel that way.
Many little (or big) stressors right now. The big one being money (Money isn't everything, but its a main focus when you don't have enough!). I was doing fairly well for a while. But, bam, car trouble. I mentioned that my car needs work.... well a new engine to be exact. How much is that you might be wondering? Well only.... $4000.... oh plus the rental car of roughly $300 for the week..... Sigh, just when I thought I might be able to afford to get away for a weekend or maybe even two. Ah well such is life.
No dating updates. No divorces updates. No kid updates. No school updates. No work updates.
So I am just going to sit here and daydream about winning the Lotto. Hey, someone is going to win, why not me?
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Long time, no blog
Hello there. So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure you are thinking, Yeah duh!
Well I have been feeling the walls closing in on me again and I have fallen in a pit of depression. I haven't felt this way for a while and I was enjoying it.... but as it does, life caught up.
So the good is work is going great! I love my job! I'm so happy to have this job.
The kids are doing great. Starting school very soon. We are completely ready and K is going to start taking Strattra again so I'm crossing my fingers that the year is easier for all of us because of it.
Now the bad.... Car is in the shop... AGAIN! Needs a new motor, it had no oil pressure... I have no idea yet how much this is going to cost. The shop has to give me a price on Monday. It is undriveable so I have a rental car. Can I afford all of this??? NO!!!
Nor can I afford for the Geek Squad to come out and fix my computer but they will be here on Tuesday. I have no choice. My computer is messing up a lot and my school is online..... so the choice is spend an arm and a leg to get it fixed so I don't miss class. My GPA is high and I want to keep it that way....
Then the divorce is all messed up. I can't even talk about it... but I have been saying I am divorced because, well we haven't lived together in a year and he doesn't even live in this city. NOW it won't be officially official for who knows how long!!! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just want it to be over!!!
Dating. No updates. Still just chatting with one guy that I would love to meet. He seems really interesting and someone I have really enjoyed getting to know. Not sure where its going, if anywhere, but I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. All I want is someone to talk with and enjoy some laughs with, be it email or on the phone or in person....
I have talked with a few other people but nobody else that I am interested in. They seem like great guys but.... not for me... I just wish them luck in finding what they are looking for.
As for other things... my weight keeps going up and down and then up again.... currently going down. I just want it to be.... well something I can be happy with. I'm going to start doing the South Beach Diet again. Walk away the Pounds for exercise and I got a new video... bellydancing! It looks like fun and I have tried a few moves, but I'm sure I look something like a Hippo trying to dance. LOL!
So that's it. Just trying to snap out of my funk and just keep reaching for the stars!!!
Well I have been feeling the walls closing in on me again and I have fallen in a pit of depression. I haven't felt this way for a while and I was enjoying it.... but as it does, life caught up.
So the good is work is going great! I love my job! I'm so happy to have this job.
The kids are doing great. Starting school very soon. We are completely ready and K is going to start taking Strattra again so I'm crossing my fingers that the year is easier for all of us because of it.
Now the bad.... Car is in the shop... AGAIN! Needs a new motor, it had no oil pressure... I have no idea yet how much this is going to cost. The shop has to give me a price on Monday. It is undriveable so I have a rental car. Can I afford all of this??? NO!!!
Nor can I afford for the Geek Squad to come out and fix my computer but they will be here on Tuesday. I have no choice. My computer is messing up a lot and my school is online..... so the choice is spend an arm and a leg to get it fixed so I don't miss class. My GPA is high and I want to keep it that way....
Then the divorce is all messed up. I can't even talk about it... but I have been saying I am divorced because, well we haven't lived together in a year and he doesn't even live in this city. NOW it won't be officially official for who knows how long!!! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just want it to be over!!!
Dating. No updates. Still just chatting with one guy that I would love to meet. He seems really interesting and someone I have really enjoyed getting to know. Not sure where its going, if anywhere, but I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. All I want is someone to talk with and enjoy some laughs with, be it email or on the phone or in person....
I have talked with a few other people but nobody else that I am interested in. They seem like great guys but.... not for me... I just wish them luck in finding what they are looking for.
As for other things... my weight keeps going up and down and then up again.... currently going down. I just want it to be.... well something I can be happy with. I'm going to start doing the South Beach Diet again. Walk away the Pounds for exercise and I got a new video... bellydancing! It looks like fun and I have tried a few moves, but I'm sure I look something like a Hippo trying to dance. LOL!
So that's it. Just trying to snap out of my funk and just keep reaching for the stars!!!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
New Postage Stamps
I know this really doesn't have anything to do with being single or being a mom BUT I'm soooo getting these new stamps.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060719/ap_en_ot/super_stamps
It goes with the whole TxGambit thing and also there is a whole story about 76 boxes of comic boxes that I used to live with.
Sooo I'm hitting the post office to pick these up tomorrow.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060719/ap_en_ot/super_stamps
It goes with the whole TxGambit thing and also there is a whole story about 76 boxes of comic boxes that I used to live with.
Sooo I'm hitting the post office to pick these up tomorrow.
Why TxGambit?
My screenname.... The TX might be easy to figure out. Texas. But what's a Gambit?
It was the name of our first cat.... or I guess we had another cat for about a week before it went nuts and we had to give it up. So I guess our second cat was Gambit. Its also an X-men character if you were wondering.
So anyway, that's my screenname. TxGambit. Most everything else I would use has been taken but I like this one so I keep using it!
It was the name of our first cat.... or I guess we had another cat for about a week before it went nuts and we had to give it up. So I guess our second cat was Gambit. Its also an X-men character if you were wondering.
So anyway, that's my screenname. TxGambit. Most everything else I would use has been taken but I like this one so I keep using it!
Life is funny....
..... said with lots of sarcasm. Sometimes it works the way we want, sometimes it doesn't.
Nuff said.
Nuff said.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Miscellaneous
Things I like:
Play-Doh
Dollhouses
New crayons/coloring books
Slinky
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles
Hot Wheels or Matchbox cars
LEGOS!!!
Puppies
Things I dislike:
Bugs!
Spiders
Ants
Fleas
Did I mention bugs?
Snakes
Burnt popcorn smell! Yuck!
Rude people
Bad Drivers
Places I have lived:
Texas
Florida
Virginia
Back to Texas!
North Dakota
Back to Texas!
Mottos:
“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
“You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl.”
“Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it’s all in how you look at them.”
“No regrets!”
“Don’t write down anything you don’t want someone to read/know.”
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”
All my jobs:
Babysitting
Packing school supplies
Burger King
United States Navy: Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Air Warfare Specialist
Lockheed Martin: HR Assistant
Mobile Health Testing, Inc.: Quality Control Specialist
St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital: Capital Campaign Assistant
Degussa/Master Builder’s: Business Administrator
Chevron: HR Assistant
Best job:
Being mom
Worst job:
Being mom
Yes that is possible!!!!
Weird/interesting medical type stuff:
Birthmark had laser surgery in 1992 to remove part of it.
Cut my finger almost completely off when I was 4. You can almost not tell.
Burned the back of my hand….. LOOOOOOONG STORY!
Fell off the handlebars of a friend’s bike when I was a kid.
Got shot in the hand with a nail gun in 2003. It didn’t hurt as bad as you would think it would.
Well I hope you had fun learning some quick facts about me. I enjoyed writing it.
Play-Doh
Dollhouses
New crayons/coloring books
Slinky
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles
Hot Wheels or Matchbox cars
LEGOS!!!
Puppies
Things I dislike:
Bugs!
Spiders
Ants
Fleas
Did I mention bugs?
Snakes
Burnt popcorn smell! Yuck!
Rude people
Bad Drivers
Places I have lived:
Texas
Florida
Virginia
Back to Texas!
North Dakota
Back to Texas!
Mottos:
“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
“You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl.”
“Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it’s all in how you look at them.”
“No regrets!”
“Don’t write down anything you don’t want someone to read/know.”
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”
All my jobs:
Babysitting
Packing school supplies
Burger King
United States Navy: Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Air Warfare Specialist
Lockheed Martin: HR Assistant
Mobile Health Testing, Inc.: Quality Control Specialist
St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital: Capital Campaign Assistant
Degussa/Master Builder’s: Business Administrator
Chevron: HR Assistant
Best job:
Being mom
Worst job:
Being mom
Yes that is possible!!!!
Weird/interesting medical type stuff:
Birthmark had laser surgery in 1992 to remove part of it.
Cut my finger almost completely off when I was 4. You can almost not tell.
Burned the back of my hand….. LOOOOOOONG STORY!
Fell off the handlebars of a friend’s bike when I was a kid.
Got shot in the hand with a nail gun in 2003. It didn’t hurt as bad as you would think it would.
Well I hope you had fun learning some quick facts about me. I enjoyed writing it.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The Visit
Ex-h visited this weekend. Sometimes its weird for me to call him the ex. But at the same time, I realized I don't have those types of feelings for him anymore. What I mean is... I do love him.... but it is the "we have three kids and 12 years together" type of feelings. Make sense?
Anyway, it was a fun weekend and a nice visit. I hope that we can continue to get along and be friends of sorts because I think it is important for the children. It might seem weird to some but he and I have always been better at the friends part of our relationship not so much the typical married stuff.
He is asking if he can come again this next weekend, and honestly, I want a weekend just me and the kiddos. I told him I would think about it.
Besides!!! The dog show is this next weekend and he isn't an animal person. I want to go and enjoy myself!!!! Ha, ha.....
Anyway, it was a fun weekend and a nice visit. I hope that we can continue to get along and be friends of sorts because I think it is important for the children. It might seem weird to some but he and I have always been better at the friends part of our relationship not so much the typical married stuff.
He is asking if he can come again this next weekend, and honestly, I want a weekend just me and the kiddos. I told him I would think about it.
Besides!!! The dog show is this next weekend and he isn't an animal person. I want to go and enjoy myself!!!! Ha, ha.....
Friday, July 14, 2006
Short one this time - Don't you just hate....
Don't you just hate going to the restroom and when you go to wash your hands, someone has gotten the sink all wet!
Yep me too.
See told you it was short.... after my massive one from earlier!
Yep me too.
See told you it was short.... after my massive one from earlier!
Me.....
I have been thinking about my self esteem a lot lately. I feel that for the most part I am a confident person. But, for some reason I have a poor image of myself when I think of how other people see me. I have been reflecting a lot on why this might be. Bear with me while I ramble on trying to find the right words to express myself. This after all is why I have a blog, so that I may ramble on to try and express my feelings and sort through my life.
Anyway, here goes…. Keep in mind you have been warned that this could have no point other than my own self discovery and it will probably be really long!
Now I have been told that I do seem confident and sure of myself by many people. But, I don’t see it. See here is the thing for anyone reading that doesn’t know me or doesn’t know this about me. I suffer from anxiety attacks. What is that, you might ask? It isn’t like stage fright or nervousness, though I do call it that sometimes and it’s not really being shy, which again I call it that sometimes too. But, it is truly an attack that I cannot control. I know what things will set one off, at least for the most, and so I try to stay in my “comfort zone”. But things as simple as calling for a pizza or filling the car up with gas could set one off. And, I really just don’t understand that.
Meeting new people is the big thing that will just set me in to a huge attack. In 2003, I went to Chicago to meet friends of mine for a girl’s only weekend. Now keep in mind I had not met these people prior to this weekend. I belong to an online group of moms. So the first person I meet, I told her of this problem but told her to bear with me because it would go away shortly. After talking with her, I relaxed and felt the attack go. It wasn’t a bad one which surprised me because 1. I don’t fly often nor have I really flown much by myself. 2. I was going to a city I had never been to 3. I was meeting new people.
And recently with dating, I have now met two people from online dating services, so almost like a blind date. Both times I have had a mild attack… actually the first was really bad but I had talked with him about it prior to meeting and he was really cool about it and then very soothing when we meet. He didn’t try to hug me (second guy did, freaked me out!) or push me to talk right away. He was really patient. Second guy, like I said, hugged me right away and was like “you don’t talk much”. Umm, no.
Why am I writing this now? Because I’m going to met someone else new very soon. I don’t want to mess up the casual tone of our …. Umm… online chatting, I guess? by having an anxiety attack when we do finally meet. I also don’t feel comfortable yet to tell him (so just hoping he will read the blog and find out)…. which really is silly because he has been really easy to talk to and honestly I do feel comfortable talking with him. We do seem to have things to talk about and just seem to get along but that’s ONLINE! What about in person? I just don’t know and therefore I just hope I don’t have an anxiety attack the first time we meet because it could set the tone for potential future meetings…. If we were to choose to meet up again. I just don’t know and I don’t want to ruin anything a potential friendship or more. (not ready to define this at all yet or predict the future. Just enjoy it for what it is.)
So let me describe a typical attack. I start to feel like this “fight or flight” type of reaction. My heart starts to beat faster and faster, I get shaky, panicked a bit, like I just have to get the heck out of this situation (whatever it is). If I’m at a store and one happens, everything gets very tunnel vision like…. Like I can only see directly in front of me and everything around me is blurry. Sometimes my voice shakes or I can’t really talk, I can’t raise my voice to the point where people can hear me (Like whispering but I can’t make it get louder) or I might have the opposite problem, where my voice is just really loud and shaky. My breathing gets hard like someone is sitting on me. I might get cold or I might get too hot. Now not all of these happen each time, these are just the really bad ones. Usually I’m just a bit shaky.
I wish I could control this. I wish it was just that simple that I could think about it and it would stop. I have taken meds for it in the past but just don’t feel comfortable with that long term. My strategy is this:
- Stay in my comfort zone most of the time. (Routine is very good) My comfort zone is the Houston Area. Living in Fargo about killed me! (Oh and yes I was in the Navy but I didn’t really have this problem, or at least not like this…).
- But at times, force myself to do new things! Like meeting people. I rarely let these attacks stop me completely. I do try to push through it because I know the reward is on the other side. I had a great time in Chicago so much so I did it the next year too, but this time to Baltimore.
- I know my limits. I try to shop when I know there won’t be too much of a crowd and if I just can’t go into the new store today, I will try tomorrow.
Back to the point of self-esteem. I think this really influences it because it makes me worry that people will leave me or think that I’m strange for this and that why can’t I just control it? I can’t except with meds and I don’t feel comfortable with that long term but I have BTDT and I know it is an option if I were to get really bad. I have never been out of my mind with it. It’s just me shaking and nervous-like until I can get myself to relax. I can have normal thoughts and if my voice is okay, I can have a normal conversation. Unless you can tell that I’m shaking, most people probably won’t know. However, I might seem rushed or anxious though which might come off as rude or I might seem almost snobby because I’m just trying to hold myself together.
I hate this about me and if I had one wish right now…. Well I probably would waste it on getting a super model body but, if I had two wishes this would be my second wish… To not have anxiety attacks anymore!
Anyway, here goes…. Keep in mind you have been warned that this could have no point other than my own self discovery and it will probably be really long!
Now I have been told that I do seem confident and sure of myself by many people. But, I don’t see it. See here is the thing for anyone reading that doesn’t know me or doesn’t know this about me. I suffer from anxiety attacks. What is that, you might ask? It isn’t like stage fright or nervousness, though I do call it that sometimes and it’s not really being shy, which again I call it that sometimes too. But, it is truly an attack that I cannot control. I know what things will set one off, at least for the most, and so I try to stay in my “comfort zone”. But things as simple as calling for a pizza or filling the car up with gas could set one off. And, I really just don’t understand that.
Meeting new people is the big thing that will just set me in to a huge attack. In 2003, I went to Chicago to meet friends of mine for a girl’s only weekend. Now keep in mind I had not met these people prior to this weekend. I belong to an online group of moms. So the first person I meet, I told her of this problem but told her to bear with me because it would go away shortly. After talking with her, I relaxed and felt the attack go. It wasn’t a bad one which surprised me because 1. I don’t fly often nor have I really flown much by myself. 2. I was going to a city I had never been to 3. I was meeting new people.
And recently with dating, I have now met two people from online dating services, so almost like a blind date. Both times I have had a mild attack… actually the first was really bad but I had talked with him about it prior to meeting and he was really cool about it and then very soothing when we meet. He didn’t try to hug me (second guy did, freaked me out!) or push me to talk right away. He was really patient. Second guy, like I said, hugged me right away and was like “you don’t talk much”. Umm, no.
Why am I writing this now? Because I’m going to met someone else new very soon. I don’t want to mess up the casual tone of our …. Umm… online chatting, I guess? by having an anxiety attack when we do finally meet. I also don’t feel comfortable yet to tell him (so just hoping he will read the blog and find out)…. which really is silly because he has been really easy to talk to and honestly I do feel comfortable talking with him. We do seem to have things to talk about and just seem to get along but that’s ONLINE! What about in person? I just don’t know and therefore I just hope I don’t have an anxiety attack the first time we meet because it could set the tone for potential future meetings…. If we were to choose to meet up again. I just don’t know and I don’t want to ruin anything a potential friendship or more. (not ready to define this at all yet or predict the future. Just enjoy it for what it is.)
So let me describe a typical attack. I start to feel like this “fight or flight” type of reaction. My heart starts to beat faster and faster, I get shaky, panicked a bit, like I just have to get the heck out of this situation (whatever it is). If I’m at a store and one happens, everything gets very tunnel vision like…. Like I can only see directly in front of me and everything around me is blurry. Sometimes my voice shakes or I can’t really talk, I can’t raise my voice to the point where people can hear me (Like whispering but I can’t make it get louder) or I might have the opposite problem, where my voice is just really loud and shaky. My breathing gets hard like someone is sitting on me. I might get cold or I might get too hot. Now not all of these happen each time, these are just the really bad ones. Usually I’m just a bit shaky.
I wish I could control this. I wish it was just that simple that I could think about it and it would stop. I have taken meds for it in the past but just don’t feel comfortable with that long term. My strategy is this:
- Stay in my comfort zone most of the time. (Routine is very good) My comfort zone is the Houston Area. Living in Fargo about killed me! (Oh and yes I was in the Navy but I didn’t really have this problem, or at least not like this…).
- But at times, force myself to do new things! Like meeting people. I rarely let these attacks stop me completely. I do try to push through it because I know the reward is on the other side. I had a great time in Chicago so much so I did it the next year too, but this time to Baltimore.
- I know my limits. I try to shop when I know there won’t be too much of a crowd and if I just can’t go into the new store today, I will try tomorrow.
Back to the point of self-esteem. I think this really influences it because it makes me worry that people will leave me or think that I’m strange for this and that why can’t I just control it? I can’t except with meds and I don’t feel comfortable with that long term but I have BTDT and I know it is an option if I were to get really bad. I have never been out of my mind with it. It’s just me shaking and nervous-like until I can get myself to relax. I can have normal thoughts and if my voice is okay, I can have a normal conversation. Unless you can tell that I’m shaking, most people probably won’t know. However, I might seem rushed or anxious though which might come off as rude or I might seem almost snobby because I’m just trying to hold myself together.
I hate this about me and if I had one wish right now…. Well I probably would waste it on getting a super model body but, if I had two wishes this would be my second wish… To not have anxiety attacks anymore!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Writing my Obituary
That probably sounds a bit morbid but stick with me to see what I mean…
Today I read a very nice obituary. Someone at work lost her mother recently. I was asked to order flowers for the service. I was given a copy of the obituary as a reference for the service information.
She sounded like such a wonderful and interesting person. One line from the obituary said, “Now don’t you wish you would have met her?” and I was thinking yes, yes I do wish I would have met her. And, that is the point of “writing my obituary.”
I actually have thought about this quite a bit lately because I feel like the last several years I have not been living my life but letting life direct how I live. I don’t have a true hobby or many friends that I just hang out with or a list of fun things that I do with my kids. I neglect to call my own grandmothers and never call my brothers first. I don’t talk much to my aunts, especially those I’m close too. My friends probably think I’m the worst because I can never just hang out and rarely call them. And basically if I can't do it online (like email) I don't.
I want all those things. I want to have BBQs at my house with several close friends and their children running around or babies being passed around and admired. I want to have a weekly game night with the kids, special picnics at the park or whatever else that they will remember when they are my age.
I want to do something spectacular that years from now people will remember me. I have big dreams and big ideas. These alone could put me on the map to being remembered and would lead to a great obituary!
There are so many things on my list; from writing a book to getting back in shape to traveling to opening my own business to just enjoying the little things to making get memories with my children to scrap booking all my pictures.
So what is stopping me? School, work, kids, house stuff, money, my own lack of motivation and my lack of time management skills which I used to say I was good at but for some reason nothing works anymore!
There is a song that Tim McGraw performs called “Live like you were dying”. This is kind what I’m talking about. The story of the song is a guy finds out he has cancer and is having a conversation with someone who asks what he did when he found out…. The guy says “I went skydiving; I went rocky mountain climbing…..” And on and on a list of things he did.
Live each day like it was your last, make it full, make it memorable. Stop and smell the roses and share that with someone you love (No this is not a line from the song but my own thoughts).
I want to set a goal for myself, right now, that I will start writing my obituary… live like I was dying…. leave a legacy. So that one day someone will read about me, my actual obituary, and say “I wish I would have met her.”
Today I read a very nice obituary. Someone at work lost her mother recently. I was asked to order flowers for the service. I was given a copy of the obituary as a reference for the service information.
She sounded like such a wonderful and interesting person. One line from the obituary said, “Now don’t you wish you would have met her?” and I was thinking yes, yes I do wish I would have met her. And, that is the point of “writing my obituary.”
I actually have thought about this quite a bit lately because I feel like the last several years I have not been living my life but letting life direct how I live. I don’t have a true hobby or many friends that I just hang out with or a list of fun things that I do with my kids. I neglect to call my own grandmothers and never call my brothers first. I don’t talk much to my aunts, especially those I’m close too. My friends probably think I’m the worst because I can never just hang out and rarely call them. And basically if I can't do it online (like email) I don't.
I want all those things. I want to have BBQs at my house with several close friends and their children running around or babies being passed around and admired. I want to have a weekly game night with the kids, special picnics at the park or whatever else that they will remember when they are my age.
I want to do something spectacular that years from now people will remember me. I have big dreams and big ideas. These alone could put me on the map to being remembered and would lead to a great obituary!
There are so many things on my list; from writing a book to getting back in shape to traveling to opening my own business to just enjoying the little things to making get memories with my children to scrap booking all my pictures.
So what is stopping me? School, work, kids, house stuff, money, my own lack of motivation and my lack of time management skills which I used to say I was good at but for some reason nothing works anymore!
There is a song that Tim McGraw performs called “Live like you were dying”. This is kind what I’m talking about. The story of the song is a guy finds out he has cancer and is having a conversation with someone who asks what he did when he found out…. The guy says “I went skydiving; I went rocky mountain climbing…..” And on and on a list of things he did.
Live each day like it was your last, make it full, make it memorable. Stop and smell the roses and share that with someone you love (No this is not a line from the song but my own thoughts).
I want to set a goal for myself, right now, that I will start writing my obituary… live like I was dying…. leave a legacy. So that one day someone will read about me, my actual obituary, and say “I wish I would have met her.”
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Divorce Sucks
With the divorce, comes new hope but if some of us can't get past the hurt, then what?
So K is doing really bad with this. She has done and said everything I would expect and then some. I feel so bad because I never went through this like she is now. My parents never got a divorce and are still together today.....
She has said I cannot date, get remarried and has threatened to be rude, mean and hurt anyone I date, etc. There has been more but that's the bulk of it.
So fast forward to this morning. She was asleep on the couch. I was on the computer which is in the same room.... She starts talking and crying in her sleep. She was crying for her daddy. Then I woke her and she was just crying so hard saying she had a bad dream.
This freakin' sucks!!!! I don't want her to hurt so badly.
Divorce sucks.....
So K is doing really bad with this. She has done and said everything I would expect and then some. I feel so bad because I never went through this like she is now. My parents never got a divorce and are still together today.....
She has said I cannot date, get remarried and has threatened to be rude, mean and hurt anyone I date, etc. There has been more but that's the bulk of it.
So fast forward to this morning. She was asleep on the couch. I was on the computer which is in the same room.... She starts talking and crying in her sleep. She was crying for her daddy. Then I woke her and she was just crying so hard saying she had a bad dream.
This freakin' sucks!!!! I don't want her to hurt so badly.
Divorce sucks.....
Saturday, July 08, 2006
School
I don't think I have talked much about school yet, if at all. I have been attending University of Phoenix online since November 2002. I will finish February 2007.
It has been an adventure that isn't quite over yet. I have taken so many classes from Algebra to History to Ethics to .... well here is the list of what I have taken so far....
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING I
CONTEMPORARY ISSUES IN AMERICAN BUSINESS
COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR CAREER GROWTH
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING II
WRITTEN COMMUNICATION
ESSENTIALS OF COLLEGE WRITING
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS I
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS II (5 WEEK COURSE)
CRITICAL THINKING
MANAGEMENT: THEORY,PRACTICE, APPLICATION
ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR
CRITICAL THINKING: STRATEGIES IN DECISION MAKING
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION I
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION II
COMPUTERS AND INFORMATION PROCESSING
EMPLOYMENT LAW
ECONOMICS FOR BUSINESS I
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS I
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS II
MARKETING
PUBLIC RELATIONS
ETHICS IN MANAGEMENT
ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND ETHICS
THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE SINCE 1945
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IN THE WORKPLACE
GLOBAL BUSINESS STRATEGIES
QUALITY MANAGEMENT AND PRODUCTIVITY
E-BUSINESS
INTERDISCIPLINARY CAPSTONE COURSE
Its a long list! I just have a few more and then I'm finished. Currently I am in a history class and having a really hard time with it. I love history normally but for reason I can't get in to it this time around. At least there are only a few more days and on Tuesday... I will be in a whole new class! I just have to finish my portion of the team assignment, participate in the class discussions for the next 3 days and write my weekly summary. Done.
That's the beauty of these online classes. They are each only 5 weeks long so by the time I have had it, its over.
I am so ready to move on with my life and not be in school. I feel like I'm missing so much of life right now! And, I'm just counting down the days until I have that degree in hand and I'm free. What will I do with my time? Maybe I'll get around to writing my book.... but that's a whole different topic and not to be discussed today. ;)
It has been an adventure that isn't quite over yet. I have taken so many classes from Algebra to History to Ethics to .... well here is the list of what I have taken so far....
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING I
CONTEMPORARY ISSUES IN AMERICAN BUSINESS
COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR CAREER GROWTH
SKILLS FOR LIFELONG LEARNING II
WRITTEN COMMUNICATION
ESSENTIALS OF COLLEGE WRITING
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS I
COLLEGE MATHEMATICS II (5 WEEK COURSE)
CRITICAL THINKING
MANAGEMENT: THEORY,PRACTICE, APPLICATION
ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR
CRITICAL THINKING: STRATEGIES IN DECISION MAKING
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION I
RESEARCH AND EVALUATION II
COMPUTERS AND INFORMATION PROCESSING
EMPLOYMENT LAW
ECONOMICS FOR BUSINESS I
HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS I
FINANCIAL ANALYSIS FOR MANAGERS II
MARKETING
PUBLIC RELATIONS
ETHICS IN MANAGEMENT
ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AND ETHICS
THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE SINCE 1945
CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY IN THE WORKPLACE
GLOBAL BUSINESS STRATEGIES
QUALITY MANAGEMENT AND PRODUCTIVITY
E-BUSINESS
INTERDISCIPLINARY CAPSTONE COURSE
Its a long list! I just have a few more and then I'm finished. Currently I am in a history class and having a really hard time with it. I love history normally but for reason I can't get in to it this time around. At least there are only a few more days and on Tuesday... I will be in a whole new class! I just have to finish my portion of the team assignment, participate in the class discussions for the next 3 days and write my weekly summary. Done.
That's the beauty of these online classes. They are each only 5 weeks long so by the time I have had it, its over.
I am so ready to move on with my life and not be in school. I feel like I'm missing so much of life right now! And, I'm just counting down the days until I have that degree in hand and I'm free. What will I do with my time? Maybe I'll get around to writing my book.... but that's a whole different topic and not to be discussed today. ;)
Friday, July 07, 2006
Kids are home!
They were gone two days shy of 2 weeks but it seems like much longer and yet, no time at all. They all seem bigger, older and wiser some how. I missed them so much and was so happy to see them.
Ya know, its time like this that I am so thankfu for them. I am glad that I am with them and they are with me. I also think of people that have children yet do not love them, abuse them and/or just in general neglect them. It is so sad to me that someone could not want their children.... some people have children and just abandon them.
I missed my children and just wasn't myself without them. I just can't imagine not having them with me all the time... or at least most of the time.
Ya know, its time like this that I am so thankfu for them. I am glad that I am with them and they are with me. I also think of people that have children yet do not love them, abuse them and/or just in general neglect them. It is so sad to me that someone could not want their children.... some people have children and just abandon them.
I missed my children and just wasn't myself without them. I just can't imagine not having them with me all the time... or at least most of the time.
Friends with kids
Last night I went over to my friends' house. They have a new baby. This is what gave me the idea for this blog!
Many of my friends have had kids before I met them. But, its the ones you know before kids that I want to talk about. It is different this way.
So backup a little, I met them almost 6 years ago. We all worked for the same company. The cutest couple ever and you could just tell how much they loved each other. Of course they got married,. Then just a few months ago had their first baby. I always thought they would be good parents. But, ya know, it is never how you picture it. They are so cute!!! Of course the baby is just adorable but to watch them, these people that I knew prior to, now with this cute little baby. Wow. It is just amazing. They aren't just good parents, they are great and this little boy is going to be a great kid and person because of them.
Then I have another friend. I have known her since 5th! I credit her with teaching me all the "bad" words. Ha! Anyway, she now has two little boys. I always knew she would have kids and its so neat to hear her talk about them. One has special needs and she has just taken it in stride. I mean, what can you do but just keep on move'on. I admire her strength.
Then there is my ex-boyfriend from HS. He is now married with kids. Its so hard to think of this person that used to sneak out of the house to meet me, now raising two children and actually <> being a grownup! His son is disabled. And, again, this is one family that I just admire because I just can't imagine how they do it. Its just amazing to me the strength and dedication it must take.
And, the last is a friend that I had from the Navy. We were actually pregnant with our first together. We both had girls and we learned to be moms together. I know I learned from her and I hope that she learned some things from me. That was a neat friendship and I still value her today, though the distance between us makes it hard sometimes. I do still think of her as my best friend. She now has four children and the youngest has special needs.
So that's it. I'm just amazed by all my friends. Their strength and caring and love for their children! I hope to learn more about my friends, especially the new parents, as I watch them grow with their children.
Hug your babies!
Many of my friends have had kids before I met them. But, its the ones you know before kids that I want to talk about. It is different this way.
So backup a little, I met them almost 6 years ago. We all worked for the same company. The cutest couple ever and you could just tell how much they loved each other. Of course they got married,
Then I have another friend. I have known her since 5th! I credit her with teaching me all the "bad" words. Ha! Anyway, she now has two little boys. I always knew she would have kids and its so neat to hear her talk about them. One has special needs and she has just taken it in stride. I mean, what can you do but just keep on move'on. I admire her strength.
Then there is my ex-boyfriend from HS. He is now married with kids. Its so hard to think of this person that used to sneak out of the house to meet me, now raising two children and actually <> being a grownup! His son is disabled. And, again, this is one family that I just admire because I just can't imagine how they do it. Its just amazing to me the strength and dedication it must take.
And, the last is a friend that I had from the Navy. We were actually pregnant with our first together. We both had girls and we learned to be moms together. I know I learned from her and I hope that she learned some things from me. That was a neat friendship and I still value her today, though the distance between us makes it hard sometimes. I do still think of her as my best friend. She now has four children and the youngest has special needs.
So that's it. I'm just amazed by all my friends. Their strength and caring and love for their children! I hope to learn more about my friends, especially the new parents, as I watch them grow with their children.
Hug your babies!
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