Overwhelmed

I feel like blogging but couldn't decide on the topic so I figure I could vent a bit. I do complain some but I really, really try not to. I mean my life overall is great. I have friends a lot worse off and of course friends that have a great life, one that other people can only dream of.

But today, I need to vent and whine and complain and get out some of my guilt. I have been neglecting everything. I don't feel like my head is on straight. I feel like I get distracted easily and can't seem to finish much. I haven't given my children my full attention. I'm messing up a bit at work. My house is always a mess. My finances are getting better but still a mess. I feel like I'm floundering and don't even know what or how to fix it.

I knew being a single mom would be hard and I really thought no bigs I have been pretty much a single mom even being married, doing 90-95% of everything for years and years.... but oh no, no, no, no, no, no.... Nothing could have prepared me for having to take care of all the needs for all three kids and work and the house and going to school. There are school activities and they want to do sports and scouts and damn it I just don't have time!!!! Just a few more classes to go and hopefully I will have much, much more time. Maybe I can focus more..... but what if I can't? What if it isn't better? What if this is my life?

The ex suggested today that I let the older son go live with him. What did I say to that? Not just no but hell no! Not that he wouldn't take care of him and whatever. But I am not separating my children from each other or (selfishly) from me. They might not mind but I just feel it is important for them to be together. Maybe it was that I was close to my brothers growing up... I don't know.

Then today I meet with that guy.... Let's call him Goofball from now on, okay? Good. So Goofball and I meet today at the zoo. One of my most favorite places to go! I love, love, love the zoo. It looks like they are doing a ton of work and I can't wait to see how it turns out. But while we were out today, we talked about us. The talk about what we want. I mostly let him talk. I had a stressful morning and then just got really mellow. He and I agreed we aren't looking for serious and just want to keep this casual. Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! I mean don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I do like him but I just don't have a lot of time for more and maybe sometime next year I will have time for a more serious relationship and if it is with him great and if not, fine too. Either way I enjoy his company now, he makes me laugh and I love to talk to him. so I'm here for the ride however long that is......

I'm so overwhelmed, so very lost and confused. I have been really fighting with my depression again and I just want to cry!!!! Scream!!! Yell!!!! I wish I were able to run..... I miss running so much but I can't risk hurting my foot again. Maybe I will buy a bike for myself. That would at least take the impact off of my foot and still give me that physical release I need so badly.

Anyway, for now, I'm trying to take it one day at a time and if necessary one minute at a time.

Busted!

So the guy I have been talking to (I should give him a cool nickname!) read my blog. I had told him about it and sent him the link, I don’t know actually when, a while ago… a month or more, maybe? Anyway, so he final read it. LOL! I’m busted…. Just kidding. I don’t really mind at all or else I wouldn’t have sent him the link. I also have a rule about not writing stuff that I don’t want people to read.

This is actually kind of funny to me because a few of things I have written, I have wanted him to read because I have been to chicken to bring them up or some of it I thought he might get a kick out of getting to know me, kind of. I’m soooo passive aggressive or just passive or just aggressive, I can never remember which. But basically I would rather someone find out indirectly about things…. I’m getting a little bit better at speaking my mind but some things; I’m just not ready yet.

This is one of them. Now in my “Meet and Greet Part 3” blog entry, I don’t know if I got my true point across. So this entry is just in case he reads it again AND so I can maybe sort out my thoughts more before he and I discuss (we agreed to discuss this in person).

Anywho, to start, what we have talked about it is neither of us are looking for a serious relationship. Oh so true for me! But, then my point in my original blog was, what is serious? I have no idea! Given my past (ha, ha) 3 mths is serious…. But this doesn’t feel like that and I am definitely in a different place in my life, definitely older and wiser, and a place where serious just doesn’t work for me. So far this has been casual and a friendship. It’s exactly what I want and need.

Now with that said, I want to just discuss with him that we are both on the same page with this. And what does he think serious is…. Just because I’m curious what he thinks. I still don’t really know what I think serious is…. What is it?

Then I had listed the things I want in a relationship. This could apply to any relationship; my parents, kids, friends, future boyfriend(s), co-workers even (okay maybe not affection for this last one)….. But, really you have to have many of those qualities in a relationship and I haven’t always been great about making sure I surround myself with “good” people.

In my other entry, I also said things like, “I don’t want to scare him off” “I don’t want to be clingy, needy”…. I mean it! I know me and me can be this way…. But strangely, I don’t feel that now. Like I don’t feel needy or clingy, I am just enjoying getting to know him as a friend, period. Have I mentioned he cracks me up? No? well he does!

At some point I will be ready for something more. I know what I want in a relationship and I know the type of person I would like it to be with. I feel I know me better too. I don’t know how long it will take me to get to a “ready for a serious relationship” place but I think it will depend on the person I am with at the time. One thing is for sure, I will want to take my time with any guy/dating/relationships from now on because the one with the ex was extremely rushed and I want a friend if I were to ever marry again.

Keeping my mouth shut - part 2

I guess I’m not the only one frustrated by the ex. K threw a fit the same day I wrote part of this series. As I said in part 1, L is 4. He cries for his daddy when he gets his feelings hurt. Well I guess K had enough! She went off on him. Yelling all the things I have wanted to say but can’t!

“Daddy doesn’t love us!” “He doesn’t call; he doesn’t want to see us!” “He moved away and doesn’t want us!”

Of course I stopped her but I didn’t yell. I stayed as calm as I could. I told her to calm down and go to her room until she could be calm. She did. I comforted L and then went to talk to her.

She was much better later. But, I was really surprised that I was pretty calm, it was a really strange feeling.

As a side-note, the ex just called me. We haven’t really talked on the phone in a few weeks so that was weird for him to call. He was just checking in with me. Umm, whatever.

Keeping my mouth shut

With the ex living in another city and only seeing the kids once a month, I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Its the whole, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" thing.

So since the people I am around the most (my kids) can't hear me vent, whine and complain about their dad.... plus they all think he is great.... well who am I to squash that. I want to be the bigger person in this.....

In that stream of thought, I'm going to vent, whine and complain, and basically say everything here that I would LOOOOOVE to say.

The ex is now in a relationship. After lying to me about wanting to get back together, I find out that for at least a month or more, we was seeing this girl and they moved right to "I love you" very quickly. Well good for him. But, I think part of the reason he can't seem to make time for his kids, is because he likes being with her. Fine. He is the one missing out. Here is what bothers me..... He called last night and told the kids he will be buying them all these new games. Why? I don't know but I would guess it is guilt. I really want to say something about it but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

Then he has also told me that he wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend and her kids. I told him our kids are not quite ready for that. Did he listen? No, he told the kids that he wants them to meet her. Well I had to pick up the pieces of that and he is completely stupid for not realizing they are not ready! He may be ready to move on but they are still trying to figure out what happened. Again, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I already said everything that needs to be said. And, if he wants to spend his ONE weekend alone with the kids, with her as well.... well I don't know, just seems pretty selfish to me. Ya know?

Then L being 4 and me being here, well when he gets his feelings hurt, he will cry for daddy. And, ya know, when he does it about kills me. I would love to say, "Yeah you want daddy, but where is he? Not here because he doesn't want to be with us. He couldn't handle being a dad full-time so once a month is all he can do." I will not say that to my child but damn, I would love to. I just comfort him as much as he will let me and then we move along.

The point is I'm here. I haven't left the kids to flounder around and while I might be seeing someone it if casual and even if it were more, I wouldn't go pushing him on my kids. They are not ready for that at all!

I just cannot, will never understand being a part-time parent. He isn't here for doctor's appts, for sick kids, for the ups and downs, for looking over homework or taking them to the park. He isn't here to nag them to clean up their messes or to tell them good-night. I am here. I will always be here for them. If it means putting some of my plans on hold and not being able to go out and meet new people or get in a serious relationship, that is fine. They will be grown and gone before I'm too old to get out and meet people. K is 12... just a few years and she will be off doing her own thing with friends. H is almost 11, same deal. L is the only one I will have longer.... but still when he is 16-18-ish I will only be 41. That is quite young still.

And who knows what will happen this next year or two? I don't. But, I'm committed to doing whatever it takes for these kids and if that means having to bite my tongue quite often so that I don't hurt them.... well I can do it. I'm their mom.

Meet and Greet part 3

We got to meet up again, 3rd time. We talk often and I don't know what to say. He just cracks me up and well, I really like him. This is the exact thing I am looking for... again, casual, laid back and just great!

Now I have to say, I'm not looking for anything serious after getting out of a near 13 year marriage but then I'm not going to turn one down either..... but what is a serious relationship? I have been wanting to discuss this with him but I really don't want to define things and end up frightening him away. I don't know if I really want to define anything either.... but at the same time, I would like to know what he is thinking. So anyway, when trying to define to myself what I would think "serious" is.... well I couldn't.

This is what I want in a relationship:
honesty
trust
affection
respect
good conversation
lots of laughs
a connection
communication
and I want to know where I stand with the other person.... where do I rank, for lack of a better way to say that. (Not necessarily in that order.)

But, those are the things I am looking for. Some of these things come from the begining (conversation and laughs) and some come with time (trust, connection, affection). Some come with work... like communication.

So I have been talking to him now for almost 3 mths. We have meet up 3 times and do talk in some form just about everyday. I'm not ready to.... I don't know. I just don't want to scare him off by being too needy, clingy but I also think at some point soon we need to discuss this friendship/relationship so that we are both on board with what it is.

For now, I love the friendship it is and I hope it will continue because it is just the thing I want and right when I need it. Stay tuned for Part 4....

The Long Goodbye

This song, by Brooks & Dunn, really reminds me of my marriage and its death.... Good, good song! I had forgotten about it but I'm sitting here doing some schoolwork and listening to the songs on my computer. This just came on......


The Long Goodbye - Brooks & Dunn

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
It sure is hard to do
I know they say if you don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
Those words don't pull me through
Cause I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin' through the millclimbin' up a hill

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
But I know without a doubt
We turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we could still try
How long must we keep running on a carousel
Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard
I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Long goodbye
Long goodbye...

The Stapler

In 1996 I went to work for an Army Coloniel at NATO/SACLANT in Norfolk, VA. This was really my first experience with working with/for the Army and also the first time I worked as an Executive Assistant.

His name was Coloniel William Hussey. We were both new to the command and learned a long the way how things worked and we got to the point where we were reading each other's minds. I would water his office plants when he was out. I knew when he needed help getting a pesky person out of his office, knew which calls to send in to his office and which to say he was busy, even if he wasn't.

He was also the type that made you feel like you were just this special person, a great person that could take on the world. His wife was amazing. They were just this great couple. I have a recipe of hers but I haven't made it, not once.

So one day he came to me and asked if I could find him a good stapler. The one he had would bind up and just didn't work well. Of course I would! He could have asked me to do just about anything and I would have done it for him.... No matter how minimal or petty it seemed to others, I would have done it. I spent a lot of time downstairs in the supply room "test driving" stapler until I found the perfect one. I proudly handed it over to him. And, in perfect Coloniel Hussey fashion, I was overly praised for such a trivial task. I loved him!

July 14, 1998 changed everything. Every night before I left I would tell him good-bye. No matter what (unless he was on a trip or something). Well July 13th, I had a bad headache and he was in a meeting so I just left..... the first time ever! I always would go to wherever he was and told him good-bye, meeting or not. This day was different.

Well the next morning, he was late. I ended up walking down the hall and around 9:00 am, the big boss (Captian Lewis) came to us and told us that Coloniel Hussey had died. Massive Heart Attack.

The next week was a blur. His funeral was amazing, just like he was.

Well as part of my job, I had to help pack up and inventory his office. This was done with another Army Coloniel who I knew very well. We talked and talked for a couple of hours while we packed my beloved boss' office. When I got to the office supplies and the stapler, I turned to the Coloniel and asked, "May I have this?".... He didn't even blink or question me, he just said Yes.

To this day, I have that very stapler. I use it often and it doesn't bind up. Just staples perfectly!

Coloniel Hussey, wherever you are, I think of you often. You were the most amazing man and I really looked up to you as a father figure and role model. You are deeply missed and I do hope that you check on me from time to time. In fact, I know you do and I hope you are proud. Maybe one day we will meet again. I'll bring you a biscuit.

"We come from strong pioneering women"

This is something my aunt told me not too long ago and I run it through my head from time to time.

Basically our family has always been run by women. I recently learned that both my great-great grandmother (dad's mom's side) and my great-grandmother (dad's dad's side) were divorced, single moms back when that was frowned upon. They worked very hard and raised great children and later grandchildren (and at some point my generation was born from this). My great-grandmother (dad's mom's mom) was a very strong woman. She definitely was in charge of what everyone in the family did. I could see that even at a young age. She wasn't a mean or angry or scary person, just very strong. Then my grandmother kind of took over this role and I can see my Aunt is now going to start playing that part. Who knows if I will be the one to pick that up at some point too but we shall see.

So yesterday I text messaged the ex, in a reply to him asking if I was okay: "This has just about killed me. But that that does not kill us makes us stronger. And babe, I am damn strong." (No reply from him.... oh well.... )

And, it was in that moment that I realized.... I do come from strong women and I am one of them! I felt like this huge weight lifted off of me and I just smiled.

Monday Night Rambles

Well after a long weekend you would think I would be nice and rested for the week ahead. Not so much. This was probably one of the worst weekends in my life. No kidding.

The divorce was final on Friday and I was so up from it, happy, glad it was over but crashed quickly. I stayed in a depression like no other all weekend. I hope that I kept some sense of humor about it, as much as possible anyway, but damn, I'm tired. I haven't slept more than a few hours at best all weekend. I haven't eaten but small bites each day... If you took everything I ate this weekend, it would still not amount to a full meal.

Mostly I think this was due to the factor I'm very nice or just really, really stupid. I let the ex stay here because he came in for court and to spend some time with the kids. It was just really stressful. I think the reality of the divorce being final would have been a bit hard but I think it was doubled if not tripled by him being here. Plus it reminds me of why we were going through the divorce in the first place.

And, what of the kids? Well, they are wild and hyper and I have no energy to deal with them so here I sit blogging away just to pass the time and hopefully the quiet tapping of the keyboard and the peacefulness I feel while writing will help me to relax enough to sleep peacefully for the first time several days.

Well the kids are now a lot more peaceful. In their beds and my eyes are starting to get really heavy.

So I will just leave you with this quote from the Lion King which the kids and I say almost every night.

"Good night."
"Sleep Tight"
"Dream of bed bugs tonight!"

Nice ride

Well I have been up since about 3-ish this morning. What was I doing at 3 in the moring? Having anxiety attacks. Really bad ones. I haven't had them this bad in a long, long time. I talked about them in another blog entry here.... did I call it "Me"? I think so.

Anyway I think these were brought on by all the stress and the divorce finally being over.... and well reality setting in. Now don't get me wrong, this is soo the right decision to make, but it still kind of sucks. There were no true deal breakers in our marriage that would make me hate him or divorce him, but then there wasn't anything to hold on to either. So there is that stupid, nagging voice asking me if this truly was the right thing, could we make it work? I know the answer to that..... No.

I have heard other people talk about feeling kind of this way too, so I know its normal but damn, until you go through it, you just don't get it. Of course for a normal person, maybe they wouldn't have anxiety attacks or maybe they do, again this isn't something people talk about.

Wow, one is starting now. What is happening is my whole body starts shaking and getting really tense. Its hard to breath and I feel very cold, very cold. Also I feel very sick to my stomach. But, anyway.....

The nice ride part. Well I decided I would go for a ride but being that it was still the "witching hour" as I call it. The time of morning when it is still really too early to just drive around randomly when you are a single woman.... or really anyone. I hopped on the computer and did a little web searching to pass the time and then "that guy" got on so we chatted via IM. I told him my plans, he gave some suggestions and we talked a bit until it was past the witching hour. I popped in a new CD with a bunch of my current fave songs and I was off. I drove to the Gulf and just felt the anxiety wash away.... at for a bit. Of course its back but oh well it was a nice ride anyway....

Just what I needed, a trip to my birth place, Galveston, TX. Love it though I know what I see when I go is different than the way others see it....Maybe a Rose colored glasses type of situation. Its home and I always feel good going there. Just going to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.....

Meet and Greet Part 2

I meet up with that guy again. I hate to keep saying that guy but hey for privacy sake, that's his name as well as in keeping with my other entries with no names in them.

Anyway, we meet for lunch yesterday. It was really nice again. I get a little nervous in new situations like this, but after a few minutes was pretty comfortable joking around and chatting.

So nothing earth shattering but definitely what I needed and definitely just what I'm looking for right now. This will sound a lot like my last entry about him but this is just great. I don't want the pressure of a relationship or defining of things, no rushing into ... anything. Just fun, casual, talking and hanging out. If it doesn't go past that, fine with me and if it does fine with me. I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Funny thing is that he mentioned something about not talking as in running out of things to talk about. I can't imagine that happening at least not in the near future. New stuff happens everyday. Plus if he would just smile, I would be happy with that. I like when he smiles.

And, so we left it with "We should do this again." So stay tuned for Part 3.

September 9, 1992

This is a very important day to me. It was the day that really changed my life forever. It was the day I left home and arrived in Orlando, FL for Boot Camp. Yes folks that's my Navy anniversary date and while I'm not still in the Navy, it still means a lot to me.

As the date comes and goes each year, I break my belief of "No Regrets." No, no that's not entirely true. I don't really regret my decision to get out, exactly. I had good reasons at the time and I know I made the right decision for my family at the time. Now almost 14 years later, I miss that life. And, even more so with our country still at war after several years.

I joined the Navy in search of a few things. First, I wanted to see the World, I wanted to grow up and mature because I was very immature and very sheltered in a way. Secondly, I wanted a job that I could be proud of. Oh don't get me wrong, I actually am very proud of my job at Burger King but it was a 'high school/early college" job and not one that I wanted to stay at long term. Then third, my ex-boyfriend.... first serious boyfriend who I have talked about in this blog and who I still talk to today..... he was leaving for college and I just really couldn't imagine leaving here without him (it was a kind of friends with benefits type of break-up....)

So what did I get? I lived in Milton, Fl working at Helicopter Training Squadron Eight which was probably the best place a person like me could have gone given some of the stories I heard of hazing and what not. Plus I got to be around helicopters and even went in them. Wow! Good times. I left there as a Yeoman Third Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist. But, I never really reached my goal of seeing the world. Oh well.....

Next place I went was Norfolk, VA to work for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic..... or NATO but just the headquarters here in the U.S. Here I worked for one of the best men to walk this earth. I really admired this guy. On July 14, 1998, he passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Kissed his wife good-bye as he was leaving, started to walk out the door and then dropped dead to the floor. It changed my Navy experience from then on. I still miss him. I have his stapler.... Long story that I will save for another blog entry. I left the Navy as Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist.

And, here I am after almost 6 years still wondering. Well I know partial what would have happened. I would have either gone to the USS Cole and would have been on it when it was hit in Yemen(did I spell that right?).... or I would have gone to Korea for one year without my family and then who knows.

So as September 9, 2006 draws near, I can't help but reflect and wonder and well mostly just smile.

Today was the day

So today was it: Court Date for the divorce. It will be official to the State of Texas Sept 15, 2006..... Almost exactly 13 years since we meet (Sept 23, 1993) So anyway. That's that.

Kind of a weird feeling really. Both good and bad. Good because I'm finally making me happy and well its about damn time I think of me first!!! Bad because..... well this is someone I don't really hate (oh I have some anger but not hate) and someone I have known for a really long time. There are only a few people outside of my family that I have known longer. But then its been a long time coming and we past the deadline for this a few years back.

So my motto has always been, "No regrets!" and this is definitely not a regret. not in the least!!!!

I am soooo freakin' happy today. I feel like dancing. Is that weird? Nay!!!!